 Chapter 12 of the Tenant of Wildfield Hall. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Marie Mayness. The Tenant of Wildfield Hall by Anne Bronte. Chapter 12. In little more than twenty minutes, the journey was accomplished. I paused at the gate to wipe my streaming forehead and recover my breath and some degree of composure. Already, the rapid walking had somewhat mitigated my excitement, and with a firm and steady tread, I paced the garden walk. In passing the inhabited wing of the building, I caught a sight of Mrs. Graham through the open window, slowly pacing up and down her lonely room. She seemed agitated and even dismayed at my arrival, as if she thought I too was coming to accuse her. I had entered her presence, intending to condone with her upon the wickedness of the world and help her to abuse the vicar and his vile informants. But now I felt positively ashamed to mention the subject and determined not to refer to it, unless she led the way. I come at an unseasonable hour, said I, assuming a trough on this I did not feel, in order to reassure her. But I won't stay many minutes. She smiled upon me, faintly it is true, but most kindly. I had almost said thankfully, as her apprehensions were removed. How dismal you are, Helen. Why have you no fire? I said, looking round on the gloomy apartment. It is summer yet, she replied. But we always have a fire in the evenings if we can bear it, and you especially require one in this whole house and dreary room. You should have come a little sooner, and I would have had one lighted for you, but it is not worthwhile now. You won't stay many minutes, you say, and Arthur has gone to bed. But I have a fancy for a fire, nevertheless. Will you order one, if I ring? Why, Gilbert, you don't look cold, said she, smilingly regarding my face, which no doubt seemed warm enough. No, replied I, but I want to see you comfortable before I go. Me, comfortable, replied she, with a bitter laugh, as if there was something amusingly absurd in the idea. It suits me better as it is, she added, in a tone of mournful resignation, but determined to have my own way I pulled the bell. There now, Helen, I said, as the approaching steps of Rachel were heard in answer to the summons. There was nothing for it but to turn round and desire the maid to light the fire. I owe Rachel a grudge to this day for the look she cast upon me ere she departed on her mission. The sour, suspicious, inquisitorial look that plainly demanded, what are you here for, I wonder. Her mistress did not fail to notice it, and a shade of uneasiness darkened her brow. You must not say long, Gilbert, said she, when the door was closed upon us. I'm not going to, said I, somewhat testily, though without a grain of anger in my heart against anyone but the meddling old woman. But Helen, I said something to say to you before I go. What is it? No, not now. I don't know yet precisely what it is or how to say it, replied I, with more truth than wisdom. And then, fearing less she should turn me out of the house, I began talking about indifferent matters in order to gain time. Meanwhile, Rachel came in to candle the fire, which was soon affected by thrusting a red hot poker between the bars of the grate where the fuel was already disposed for ignition. She honored me with another of her hard, inhospitable looks and departing, but little moved thereby I went on talking. And setting a chair for Mrs. Graham on one side of the hearth and one for me on the other, I ventured to sit down, though half suspecting she would rather see me go. In a little while we both relapsed into silence and continued for several minutes, gazing abstractly into the fire. She intent upon her own sad thoughts and I reflecting how delightful it would be to be seated thus beside her with no other presence to restrain or intercourse, not even that of Arthur, or mutual friend, without whom we had never met before. If only I could venture to speak my mind and disburden my full heart of the feelings that had so long oppressed it in which it now struggled to retain, with an effort that it seemed impossible to continue much longer. And revolving the pros and cons for opening my heart to her there and then and imploring a return of affection, the permission to regard her, henceforth, as my own, and the right and the power to defend her from the gloominess of malicious tongues. On the one hand I felt a newborn confidence in my powers of persuasion, a strong conviction that my own fervor of spirit would grant me eloquence, that my very determination, the absolute necessity for succeeding, that I felt must win me what I sought. While on the other I feared to lose the ground I had already gained with so much toil and skill and destroy all future hopes by one rash effort, when time and patience might have won success. It was like setting my life upon the cast of a die, and yet I was ready to resolve upon the attempt. At any rate I would entreat the explanation she had half promised to give me before. I would demand the reason of this hateful barrier, this mysterious impediment to my happiness, and as I trusted to her own. But while I considered in what manner I could best frame my request, my companion, wakened from her reverie with a scarcely audible sigh, and looking towards the window, where the blood-red harvest moon just rising over one of the grim, fantastic evergreens, shining in upon us said, Gilbert, it is getting late. I see, said I, you want me to go, I suppose? I think you ought, if my kind neighbors get to know of this visit, as no doubt they will, they will not turn it much to my advantage. It was with what the vicar would doubtless have called a savage sort of smile that she said this. Let them turn it as they will, said I. What are their thoughts to you or me, so long as we are satisfied with ourselves and each other? Let them go to the deuce with their vile constructions and their lying inventions. This outburst brought a flush of color to her face. You have heard, then, what they say to me? I have heard some detestable falsehoods, but none but fools would credit them for a moment, Helen, so don't let them trouble you. I did not think Mr. Millward are full, and he believes it all. But however little you may value the opinions of those about you, however little you may esteem them as individuals, it is not pleasant to be looked upon as a liar and a hypocrite. To be thought to practice what you abhor and to encourage the vices you would discount on us, to find your good intentions frustrated and your hands crippled by your supposed unworthiness and to bring disgrace on the principles you profess. True, and if I, by my thoughtlessness and selfish disregard to appearances, haven't all assisted to expose you to these evils, let me entreat you not only to pardon me, but to enable me to make reparation, authorize me to clear your name from every imputation, give me the right to identify your honor with my own and to defend your reputation as more precious than my life. Are you hero enough to unite yourself to one whom you know to be suspected and despised by all around you and identify your interests and your honor with hers? Think, it is a serious thing. I should be proud to do it, Helen, most happy, delighted beyond expression, and if that be all the obstacle to our union, it is demolished, and you must, you shall be mine. And starting from my seat in a frenzy of ardor, I seized her hand and would have pressed it to my lips, but she has suddenly caught it away, exclaiming in the bitterness of intense affliction, No, no, it is not all. What is it then you promise I should know some time, and you shall know some time, but not now, my head aches terribly, she said, pressing her hand to her forehead, and I must have some repose, and surely I have had misery enough today," she added, almost wildly. But it could not harm you to tell it, I persisted. It would ease your mind, and I should then know how to comfort you. She shook her head despondingly. If you knew all, you too would blame me, perhaps even more than I deserved, though I have cruelly wronged you. She added in a low murmur, as if she mused aloud. You, Helen, impossible! Yes, not willingly, for I did not know the strength and depth of your attachment. I thought, at least I endeavored to think, your regard for me was as cold and fraternal as you professed it to be, or as yours, or as mine, ought to have been of such a light and selfish, superficial nature that there indeed you wronged me. I know I did, and sometimes I suspected it then, but I thought upon the whole, there could be no great harm in leaving your fancies and your hopes to dream themselves to nothing, or flutter away to some more fitting object, while your friendly sympathies remained with me. But if I had known the depth of your regard, the generous, disinterested affection you seem to feel, seem, Helen, that you do feel then, I would have acted differently. How? You cannot have given me less encouragement, or treated me with greater severity than you did, and if you think you have wronged me by giving me your friendship, and occasionally admitting me to the enjoyment of your company and conversation, when all hopes of closer intimacy were vain, as indeed you always gave me to understand, if you think you have wronged me by this, you are mistaken, for such favors in themselves alone, are not only delightful to my heart, but purifying, exalting, ennobling to my soul, and I would rather have your friendship than the love of any other woman in the world. Little comforted by this, she clasped her hands upon her knee, and glanced upward, seemed in silent anguish to implore divine assistance. Then, turning to me, she calmly said, Tomorrow, if you meet me on the moor about midday, I will tell you all you seek to know, and perhaps you will then see the necessity of discontinuing your intimacy. If indeed you do not willingly resign me as one no longer worthy of regard, I can safely answer no to that. You cannot have such grave confessions to make. You must be trying my faith, Helen. No, no, no, she honestly repeated. I wish it were so. Thank heaven, she added. I have no great crime to confess, but I have more than you want to hear, perhaps can readily excuse, and more than I can tell you now, so let me entreat you to leave me. I will, but answer me this one question first. Do you love me? I will not answer it. Then I will conclude you do, and so good night. She turned from me to hide the emotion she could not quite control, but I took her hand and fervently kissed it. Gilbert do leave me, she cried, in a tone of such thrilling anguish that I felt it would be cruel to disobey. But I gave one look back before I closed the door, and saw her leaning forward on the table, with her hands pressed against her eyes, sobbing convulsively. Yet I was through in silence. I felt that to obtrude my consolations on her then, but only served to aggravate her sufferings. To tell you all the questionings and conjectures, the fears and hopes and wild emotions that jostled and chased each other through my mind as I descended the hill would almost fill a volume in itself. But before I was halfway down, a sentiment of strong sympathy for her I had left behind me had displaced all other feelings and seemed imperitently to draw me back. I began to think, why am I hurrying so fast in this direction? Can I find comfort or consolation? Peace? Certainty? Contentment? All or anything that I want at home? And can I leave all perturbation, sorrow and anxiety behind me? And I turned around to look at the old hall. There was little besides the chimneys visible above my contracted horizon. I walked back to get a better view of it. When it rose inside, I stood still a moment to look, and then continued moving towards the gloomy object of attraction. Something called me nearer, nearer still, and why not pray? Might I not find more benefit in the contemplation of that venerable pile with the full moon in the cloudless heaven shining so calmly above it with that warm, yellow lustre peculiar to an August night and the mistress of my soul within, then in returning to my home where all comparatively was light and life and cheerfulness and therefore in a missile to me in my present frame of mind and the more so that its inmates all were more or less imbued with that detestable belief, the very thought of which made my blood boil in my veins and how could I endure to hear it openly declared or cautiously insinuated, which was worse? I had had trouble enough already with some babbling friend that would keep whispering in my ear, it may be true, till I had shouted aloud, it is false, I defy you to make me suppose it. I could see the red firelight dimly gleaming from her parlor window. I went up to the garden wall and stood leaning over it with my eyes fixed upon the lattice wondering what she was doing, thinking, or suffering now and wishing I could speak to her but one word or even catch one glimpse of her before I went. I had not looked and wished and wondered long before I bolted over the barrier unable to resist the temptation of taking one glance to the window just to see if she were more composed than when we parted and if I found her still in deep distress perhaps I might venture attempt a word of comfort to utter one of the many things I should have said before instead of aggravating her sufferings by my stupid impetuality. I looked, her chair was vacant, so was the room but at that moment someone opened the outer door and a voice, her voice, said, come out, I want to see the moon and breathe the evening air they will do me good if anything will. Here then were she and Rachel coming to take a walk in the garden I wished myself safe back over the wall I stood however in the shadow of the tall holly bush which standing between the window and the porch at present screamed me from observation but did not prevent me from seeing two figures come forth into the moonlight Mrs. Graham followed by another not Rachel, but a young man slender and rather tall oh heavens how my temples throbbed intense anxiety darkened my sight but I thought yes and the voice confirmed it it was Mr. Lawrence you should not let it worry you so much Helen said he I will be more cautious in the future and in time I did not hear the rest of the sentence for he walked close beside her it spoke so gently that I could not catch the words my heart was splitting with hatred but I listened intently for her reply I heard it plainly enough but I must leave this place Frederick she said I never can be happy here nor anywhere else indeed she added with a mirthless laugh but I cannot rest here but where could you find a better place? replied he so secluded so near me if you think anything of that yes interrupted she it is all I could wish if they could only have left me alone but wherever you go Helen there will be the same sources of annoyance I cannot consent to lose you I must go with you or come to you and there are meddling fools elsewhere as well as here all this conversing they had sauntered slowly past me down the walk and I heard no more in their discourse but I saw him put his arm around her waist while she lovingly rested her hand on his shoulder and then a tremulous darkness obscured my sight my heart sickened and my head burned like fire I half rushed half staggered from the spot where horror had kept me rooted and leaped or tumbled over the wall I hardly know which but I know that afterwards like a passionate child I dashed myself on the ground and lay there in a proxmo of anger and despair how long I cannot undertake to say but it must have been a considerable time for when having partially relieved myself by a torment of tears and looked up at the moon shining so calmly and carelessly on as little influenced by my misery as I was by its peaceful radiance and earnestly prayed for death or forgetfulness I had risen and journeyed homewards little regarding the way but carried instinctively by my feet to the door I found it bolted against me and everyone in bed except my mother who hastened to answer my impatient knocking and received me with a shower of questions and rebukes oh Gilbert how could you do so where have you been do come in and take your supper I've got it all ready that you don't deserve it for keeping me in such a fright after the strange manner you left the house this evening Mr. Millward was quiet plus the boy how ill he looks oh gracious what is the matter nothing nothing give me a candle but you won't take some supper no I want to go to bed said I taking a candle and lighting it at the one she held in her hand oh Gilbert how you tremble exclaimed my anxious parents how white you look do tell me what it is has anything happened it is nothing cried I ready to stamp the fixation because the candle would not light then suppressing my irritation I added I've been walking too fast that's all good night and marched off to bed regardless of the walking too fast where have you been below my mother followed me to the very door of my room with her questionings and advice concerning my health and my conduct but I implored her to let me alone till morning and she was through and at length I had the satisfaction to hear her close her own door there was no sleep for me however that night as I thought and instead of attempting to solicit it I implored myself in rapidly passing the chamber having first removed my boots my mother should hear me but the boards creaked and she was watchful I had not walked above a quarter of an hour before she was at the door again Gilbert why are you not in bed you said you wanted to go confounded I'm going said I but why are you so long about it you must have something on your mind for heaven's sakes let me alone and get to bed yourself can't be that Mrs. Graham that stresses you so no no I tell you it's nothing I wish the goodness it may it murmured she with a sigh as she returned to her own apartment while I threw myself on the bed feeling most undutifully disaffected towards her for having deprived me of what seemed the only shadow of a consolation that remained and chained me to that wretched couch of thorns never did I endure so long so miserable a night as that and yet it was not wholly sleepless towards morning my distracting thoughts began to lose all pretensions to coherency and shape themselves into confused and feverish dreams and at length there followed an interval of unconscious slumber but then the dawn of bitter recollection that succeeded the waking to find life a blank and worse than a blank torment and misery not a mere barren wilderness but full of thorns and briars to find myself deceived duped hopeless my affections trampled upon my angel not an angel and my friend a friend incarnate it was worse than if I had not slept at all it was a dull gloomy morning the weather had changed like my prospects and the rain was pattering against the window I rose nevertheless and went out not to look after the farm though that would serve as my excuse but to cool my brain and regain if possible a sufficient degree of composure to meet the family at the morning meal without exciting and convenient remarks if I got a wedding that in conjunction with a pretended overexertion before breakfast might excuse my sudden loss of appetite and if it cold ensued the severer the better it would help to account for the sullen moods and moping melancholy likely to cloud my brow for long enough End of Chapter 12 of the Tenet of Wildfell Hall by Ann Bronte Recording by Marie Von Magnus www.thebrontesole.wetpaint.com This is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Michelle Crandall The Tenet of Wildfell Hall by Ann Bronte Chapter 13 My dear Gilbert I wish you would try to be a little more amiable said my mother one morning after some display of unjustifiable ill-humour on my part You say there is nothing to matter with you and nothing has happened to grieve you and yet I never saw anyone so altered as you within these last few days you haven't a good word for anybody friends and strangers equals and inferiors it's all the same I do wish you try to check it check what? why your strange temper you don't know how it spoils you I'm sure a finer disposition than yours by nature could not be if you'd let it have fair play no excuse that way while she thus remonstrated I took up a book and laying it open on the table before me pretended to be deeply absorbed in its perusal for I was equally unable to justify myself and unwilling to acknowledge my errors and I wished to have nothing to say on the matter but my excellent parent went on lecturing and then came to coaxing and began to stroke my hair and I was getting to feel quite a good boy but my mischievous brother whom revived my corruption by suddenly calling out don't touch him mother, he'll bite he's a very tiger in human form I've given him up for my part fairly disowned him cast him off root and branch it's as much as my life is worth to come within six yards of him the other day he nearly fractured my skull for singing a pretty inoffensive love song on purpose to amuse him oh Gilbert how could you exclaimed my mother yes, but when I assured you it was no trouble and went on with the next verse thinking you might like it better you clutched me by the shoulder and dashed me away right against the wall there with such force that I thought I had bitten my tongue into and expected to see the place plastered with my brains and when I put my hand to my head and found my skull not broken I thought it was a miracle and no mistake but poor fellow added he with a sentimental sigh it's broken, that's the truth of it and his heads will you be silent now? cried I starting up and eyeing the fellow so fiercely that my mother thinking I meant to inflict some grievous bodily injury laid her hand on my arm and besought me to let him alone and he walked leisurely out with his hands in his pockets singing provokingly shall I because of women's fair etc I'm not going to defile my fingers with him said I and answer to the maternal intercession I wouldn't touch him with the tongs I now recollected that I had business with Robert Wilson concerning the purchase of a certain field adjoining my farm a business I had been putting off from day to day for I had no interest in anything now and besides I was misanthropically inclined and moreover had a particular objection to meeting Jane Wilson or her mother for though I had too good reason now to credit their reports concerning Mrs. Graham I did not like them a bit the better for it or Eliza Millward either and the thought of meeting them was the more repugnant to me that I could not now defy their seeming calamities and triumph in my own convictions as before but today I determined to make an effort to return to my duty though I found no pleasure in it it would be less irksome than idleness at all events it would be more profitable if life promised no enjoyment within my vocation at least it offered no allurements out of it and henceforth I would put my shoulder to the wheel and toil away like any poor dredge of a cart-horse that was fairly broken into its labour and I'd plod through life not wholly useless if not agreeable and uncomplaining if not contented with my lot thus resolving with a kind of sullen resignation if such a term may be allowed I wended my way to Rycote Farm scarcely expecting to find its owner within at this time of day hoping to learn in what part of the premises he was most likely to be found absent he was but expected home in a few minutes and I was desired to step into the parlor and wait Mrs. Wilson was busy in the kitchen but the room was not empty and I scarcely checked an involuntary recoil as I entered it for there sat Miss Wilson chattering with Eliza Millward however I determined to be cool and civil Eliza seemed to have made the same resolution on her part I had not met since the evening of the tea-party but there was no visible emotion either of pleasure or pain no attempt at pathos no display of injured pride she was cool and tempera civil and demeanor there was even an ease and cheerfulness about her air and manner that I made no pretension to but there was a depth of malice in her too expressive eye that plainly told me I was not forgiven for though she no longer hoped to win me for her evil and evidently delighted to recur spite on me on the other hand Miss Wilson was as affable and courteous as heart could wish and though I was in no very conversable humor myself the two ladies between them managed to keep up a pretty continuous fire of small talk but Eliza took advantage of the first convenient pause to ask if I had lately seen Mrs. Graham in a tone of merely casual inquiry but with a side-long glance intended to be playfully mischievous really brimful and running over with malice not lately I replied in a careless tone but sternly repelling her odious glances with my eyes for I was vexed to feel the color mounting to my forehead despite my strenuous efforts to appear unmoved what are you beginning to tire already I thought so noble a creature would have power to attach you for a year at least I would rather not speak of her now ah then you are convinced at last of your mistake you have at length discovered that your divinity is not quite the immaculate I desired you not to speak of her, Miss Eliza oh I beg your pardon I perceive Cupid's arrows have been too sharp for you the wounds being more than skin deep are not yet healed and bleed afresh at every mention of the loved one's name say rather, interposed Miss Wilson that Mr. Markham feels that name is unworthy to be mentioned in the presence of right-minded females I wonder Eliza you should think of referring to that unfortunate person you might know the mention of her would be anything but agreeable to anyone here present how could this be borne I rose and was about to clap my hat upon my head and burst away in wrathful indignation from the house but recollecting, just in time to save my dignity the folly of such a proceeding and how it would only give my fair tormentors a merry laugh at my expense for the sake of one I acknowledged in my own heart to be unworthy of the slightest sacrifice though the ghost of my former reverence and love so hung about me still that I could not bear to hear her name dispersed by others I merely walked to the window and having spent a few seconds invengibly biting my lips and sternly repressing the passionate heavings of my chest I observed to Miss Wilson that I could see nothing of her brother and added that as my time was precious it would perhaps be better to call again tomorrow at some time when I should be sure to find him at home oh no, said she, if you wait a minute he will be sure to come for he has business at L that was our market town and will require a little refreshment before he goes I submitted accordingly with the best grace I could and happily I had not long to wait Mr. Wilson soon arrived and indisposed for business as I was at that moment and little as I cared for the field or its owner I forced my attention to the matter in hand with very creditable determination and quickly concluded the bargain perhaps more to the thrifty farmer's satisfaction than he cared to acknowledge then leaving him to the discussion of his substantial refreshment I gladly quitted the house and went to look after my reapers leaving them busy at work on the side of a valley I ascended the hill intending to visit a cornfield in the more elevated regions and see when it would be ripe for the sickle but I did not visit it that day for as I approached I beheld at no great distance Mrs. Graham and her son coming down in the opposite direction they saw me and Arthur already was running to meet me but I immediately turned back and walked steadily homeward for I had fully determined never to encounter his mother again and regardless of the shrill voice in my ear calling upon me to wait a moment I pursued the even tenor of my way and he soon relinquished the pursuit as hopeless or was called away by his mother at all events when I looked back five minutes after not a trace of either was to be seen this incident agitated and disturbed me most unaccountably unless you would account for it by saying that Cupid's arrows not only had been too sharp for me but they were barbed and deeply rooted and I had not yet been able to wrench them from my heart however that be I was rendered doubly miserable for the remainder of the day End of Chapter 13 Recorded by Michelle Crandall Fremont, California November 2007 www.subtlerevealings.net Chapter 14 A Lieutenant of Windfield Hall This is a LibriBox recording All LibriBox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriBox.org Recording by Anus Fiesimand, Portugal The Lieutenant of Wildfield Hall by Anne Bronte Chapter 14 Next morning I was thought me I too at Buzzness at El so I mounted my horse and set forth on the expedition soon after breakfast it was a dull, drizzly day but that was no matter it was all the more suitable to my frame of mind it was likely to be a lonely journey for it was no market day and the road I traversed was little frequented at any other time but that suited me all the better too As I trod it along, however chewing the cud of bitter fences I heard another horse at no great distance behind me but I never conjectured who the rider might be or trouble my head about him till, on slackening my pace to ascend gentle, eclivity or rather, suffering my horse to slack any space into a lazy walk for, wrapped in my own reflections I was letting it jog on as leisurely as it though proper I lost ground and my fellow traveler overtook me he accosted me by name for it was no stranger it was Mr. Lawrence instantaneously, the fingers of my whip hand chingled and grabbed their charred with convulsive energy but I restrained the impulse and entering a solution with a knot attempting to push on beside me and begin to talk about weather and crops I gave the briefest possible answers to his queries and observations and fell back he fell back too and asked if my horse was lame I replied with a look at which he pleasantly smiled I was as much astonished and exasperated at this singular opportunity and imperturbable insurance on his part I had thought circumstances of our last meeting would have left such an impression on his mind as to render him cold and instant ever after instead of that he appeared not only to have forgotten all former fancies but to be impenetrable to all present civilities formally, the slightest hint or mere fancied coolness in tone or glance had suffice to repulse him now, positive rudeness could not drive him away had he heard my disappointment and was he come to witness the result and triumph in my despair I grasped my whip with more determined energy than before but still forebored to raise it and rule down in silence waiting for some more tangible cause of offense before I opened the floodgates of my soul and poured out the damned up fury that was foaming and swelling within Markham said he in his usual quiet tone why do we quarrel with your friends because you have been disappointed in one quarter you have found your hopes fitted but how am I to blame for it I warned you beforehand you know but you would not he said no more for impaled by some fiend at my elbow I had seized my whip by the small end and swift and sudden as a flash of lightning brought the other down upon his head it was not without feeling a savage satisfaction that I beheld the instant deadly paler that overspread his face and few red drops that trickled down his forehead while he reeled the moment in the saddle and then fell backward to the ground the pony surprised to be so strange or relieved of its burden started and capped and kicked a little and then made us use of its freedom to go and crop the grass of the edge bank while its master lay still in silence as a corpse as I kill him an icy hand seemed to grasp my heart and check its possessions as I went over him gazing with restless intensity upon the ghastly upturned figure but no he moved his eyelids and uttered a slight groan I breathed it again he was only stunned by the fall it served him right it would teach him better manners in future should I help him to his horse no for any other combination of offenses I would this were too unpardonable he might mutton himself if you like in a while already he was beginning to steer and look about him and there it was for him quietly browsing on the roadside so with the matter as a creation I left fellow to his fate and clapping spurs to my own horse gallop of the way excited by a combination of feeling it would not be easy to analyze and perhaps if I did so the result would not be very credible to my disposition for I am not sure that the species of exultation in what I had done was not one principle concomitant shortly however the effervescence began to abate not many minutes elapsed before I had turned and gone back to look after the fate of my victim it was no general simples no kind lengthings that led me to this nor even fear of what might be the consequences for myself if I finished my assault upon squire by leaving him thus neglected and exposed to further injury it was simply the voice of conscience and I took recredits myself for attending to promptly to its dictates and judging the merit of the deed by the sacrifice I caused I was not far wrong Mr. Lawrence and his pony had both altered their positions in some degree the pony had wandered 8 or 10 yards away and he had managed somehow to remove himself from the middle of the road I found him seated in a recumbent position on the bank looking very white and sickly still and holding his cambrick handkerchief now more red than white to his head it must have been a powerful blow but half the credit or the blame of it if you please must be attributed to the whip which was garnished with a massive horses head of plated metal the crest being soft nude rain afforded a young gentleman a rather inhospitable couch his clothes were considerably bemmered and his head was roving in the mud on the other side of the road but his thought seems chiefly bent up on his pony on which he was wistfully gazing half in excess anxiety and half in hopeless abandonment to his fate I dismounted however and having fastened my own animal this tree first picked up his head intending to clap it on his head but either he considered his head unfit for a head or the head in its present conditions unfit for his head for shrinking away the one he took the other from my hand and scornfully cast it aside it's good enough for you I muttered my next good office was to catch his pony and bring it to him soon accomplished for this was quite enough in the main and only one instant floored to the trifle till I got hold of the brittle but then I must see him in the saddle here you fellow scoundrel dog, give me your hand and I'll help you to mount no, he turned from me in disgust I attempted to take him by the arm he shrunk away as if there had been contamination in my touch if you won't, well you may sit there till doomsday for all I care but I suppose you don't want to look all the blood in your body I'll just condescend to burn that up for you let me alone if you please hmm with all my heart you may go to the devil if you choose and say I sent you but before I abandoned him to his fate I flung his pony's bridle over a stack in the edge as his own was now saturated with blood he took it and cast it back to me with a boring instant contempt with all the strength he could master it wanted but just to fill the measures of his offenses with execrations not loud but deep I left him to live or die as he could well satisfied that I had done my duty in attempting to save him but forgetting how I had earned in bringing him into such a condition and how and suddenly my after services had been offered and suddenly prepared to meet the consequences if it should choose to say I had attempted to murder him which I thought not unlikely as it seemed probable he was actuated by such spiteful motives and so perseveringly refusing my assistance having remounted my horse I just looked back to see how he was getting on before I ran out of the way he had risen from the ground and grasping his spoon his mane was attempting to resume his seat in saddle but scarcely had he put his foot in stirrup when a sickness or dizziness seemed to overpower him he leaned forward a moment with his head through on the animal's back and then made one more effort which proving ineffectual he sank back on bank where I left him reposing his head on the wozzy turf and to all appearance as calmly reclining as if he had been taking his rest on his sofa at home I already have helped him in spite of myself to have bound up to the wound he was unable to stanch and insisted upon getting him on his horse and seeing him safe home but besides my bitter indignation against himself there was question what said to his servants and what to my own family either I should have to acknowledge the deed which should set me down as a madman to acknowledge the motive too and that seemed impossible or I must get up a lie which seemed equally out of question especially as Mr. Lawrence would probably reveal the whole truth and thereby bring me to tenfold his grace unless I were willing enough presuming on the absence of wintice to persist in my own version of the case and made him out of still greater scoundrel than he was no, he had only received the cut above the temple and perhaps a few bruises from the fall or the oofs of his own pony that could not kill him if he lay there after they and if he could not help himself surely someone would be coming by it would be impossible that the whole day should pass and no one traverse to Robert ourselves as for what he might choose to say hereafter I would take my chances about it if he told lies I would contradict him if he told the truth I would bear it as best as I could I was not obliged to enter into explanations further than I thought proper perhaps he might choose to be silent on subjects for fear arising inquiries as to the cause of the quarrel and drawing the public attention to his connection with Mrs. Graham which, whether for a sake or his own, he seemed so very desirous to conceal thus reasoning I trotted away to the town where I duly transacted my business and performed various little commissions for my mother and Rose with very laudable exactitude considering the different circumstances of the case in returning home I was troubled with sound remiss giving about unfortunate Lawrence the question what if I should find him lying still on the damped earth fairly dying of cold and exhaustion or already stark and chill thrust itself most pleasantly upon my mind and the appalling possibility pictured itself with painful vividness to my imagination as I approached the spot where I had left him but no, thank heaven both men and horse were gone and nothing was left to witness against me but two objects unpleasant enough in themselves to be sure and presently in a very ugly not to say murderous appearance in one place the head saturated with rain and coated with mud and broken above the brim by that villainous wipe handle in another to crimson handkerchief soaking in a deeply tinctured pool of water for much rain had fallen in the entrance bad news flies fast it was early four o'clock when I got home but my mother gravely costed me with oh Gilbert such an accident Rose has been shopping in the village and she's heard that Mr. Lawrence went from his horse and brought home dying this shocked me a trifle as you may suppose but I was comforted to hear that he had frightfully factored his skull and broken a leg for assured of the falsehood of this I trusted the rest of the story was equally exaggerated and when I heard my mother and sisters so feelingly deploring his condition I had considerable difficulty in preventing myself from telling them the real extent of the injuries as far as I knew them you must go and see him tomorrow said my mother or today suggested Rose there's plenty of time and you can have pony as your horse is tired won't you Gilbert as soon as you've had something to eat no no how can I tell that this isn't all a false report it's highly in oh I'm sure it isn't Fort Village is all alive about it and I saw two people that had seen others that had seen the man that found him that sounds far fetched but it isn't so when you think of it well but Loris is a good rider it is not likely he would fall from his horse at all and if he did it is highly improbable he would break his bones in that way it must be a gross exaggeration at least no but horse kicked him or something what quiet little pony how do you know it was that he seldom rides any other at any rate said my mother you will call tomorrow whether it be true or false exaggerate or otherwise we shall like to know how he is Fergus may go why not you he has more time I'm busy just now oh but Gilbert how can you be so composed about it he won't mind business for an hour or two in the case of this sword when your friend is at the point of death he is not I tell you for anything you know he may be you can tell till you have seen him at all events he must have met with some terrible accident and you ought to see him you'll take it very unkind if you don't confounded I can't he may have not been on good terms of late oh my dear boy surely we are not so unforgiving as to carry your little differences to such a length as little differences indeed I muttered well but only remembered the occasion think how well well don't bother me now I'll see about it I replied and my thing about it was to send Fergus next morning with my mother's compliments to make the requisites inquiries for of course my going was quite a question or sending a message either he brought back intelligence that young squire was laid up and complicated evils of a broken head and certain contusions occasioned by a fall of which he was not troubling himself to relate to the particularies and subsequent misconduct of this horse and a severe cold the consequence of lying on the wet ground in the rain but there were no broken bones and no immediate prospects of this solution it was evident then that for Mrs. Graham's sake it was not his intentions to discriminate me end of chapter 14 chapter 15 at the tenant of Wildfell Hall this is a LibriBox recording all LibriBox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriBox.org recording by Anna Suisse-Mond Portugal with Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte chapter 15 that day was raining like its predecessor but towards evening it began to clear up a little and the next morning was fair and promising I was out on a hill with rivers a light wind swept over the corn an old nature left and sunshine the lark was rejoicing among the silverly floating clouds the late rain has so sweetly freshened and clear the air and washed sky and left such burning gems on branch and blade that not even farmers could have have the heart to blame it but no rain of sunshine could reach my heart no breeze could freshen it nothing could fill the void my faith and hope and joy in Ellen Graham had left or drive away the keen regrets and bitter dregs of lingering love that still oppressed it while I stood it for the arms abstractedly gazing on the unleading swell of the corn not yet stirred by the rippers I gently pulled my skirt and a small voice no longer welcome to my ears arose me with startling words Mr. Markham, Mama want you want me Arthur? yes why do you look so queer? said he, eff laughing eff frightened at the unexpected aspect of my faith in settling turning towards him and why have you kept so long away come, won't you come? I'm busy just now I reply, scarcely knowing what to answer he looked up and saw this bewilderment but before I could speak again the lady herself was at my side Gilbert I must speak with you said she, in a tone of suppressed silence I looked at her pale cheek and glittering eyes but answered nothing only for a moment pleaded she, just step aside into this other field she glanced at the rippers, some of whom were directing looks of important curiosity towards her I won't keep you a minute I accompanied it through the gap Arthur darling, run and gather those blue bells said she pointing to some that were gleaming at some distance under the edge along which we walked the child exited as if unwilling to quit my sight go, love repeated she more urgently and in a tone which, though not unkind, demented propositions and obtained it well, Mrs. Graham said I, calming and coldly for, though I saw she was miserable and pitied her, I felt glad to have it in my power to torment her she fixed her eyes up on me with the look that pierced me through the heart and yet it made me smile I don't ask the reasons of this change Gilbert said she with bitter calmness I know it too well but, though I could see myself suspected and condemned by everyone else and buried with calmness I cannot endure it from you why did you not come to hear my explanation on the day I appointed to give it because I happened in the intering to learn all you would have told me and the trifle more I imagine impossible for I would have told you all I cried she, passionately but I won't now for I see you are not worthy of it and her pale lips quivered with agitation why not, may I ask she repelled my mocking smile to the glance of scornful indignation because you never understood me or you would not soon have listened to my traducers my confidence would be misplaced in you you are not a man I thought you go, I don't care what you think she turned away and I went for I thought that would torment her as much as anything and I believe I was right for looking back a moment after I saw her turn half round as if hoping or expecting to find me still beside her and then she stood still and cast one look behind it was a look less expressive of anger than a bit of anguish and despair but I immediately assumed an expect of indifference carelessly around me and I suppose she went on for after lingering her while to see if she would come back or call I ventured one more glance and saw her a good way off moving rapidly up the field with little Arthur running by our side and apparently talking as he went but she kept her face averted from him as if to hide some uncontrollable emotion and I returned to my business but I soon began to regret my precipitancy in leaving her so soon it was evident she loved me probably she was tired of Mr. Lawrence and wished to exchange him for me and if I had loved and reverenced her less to begin with the preferences might have gratified and amused me but now the contrast between her outward seemings and their inward mind as I suppose between my former and my present opinion of her was so arrawing so distressing my feelings that it swallowed up every lighter consideration but still I was curious to know what sort of an explanation you would have given me or would give now if I press her for it how much she would confess and how she would endeavor to excuse herself I longed to know what to despise and what to admire in her how much to pity and how much to hate and what was more I would know I would tear once more and fairly satisfy myself in what light to regard her before we parted lost me she was forever of course but still I could not bear to think that we had parted for the last time with so much unkindness and misery on both sides that last look of hers had sunk into my heart I could not forget it but what a fool I was had she not deceived me, injured me blighted my happiness for life well and pity her however was my concluding resolve but not today today and tonight she may think upon her scenes and be as miserable as she will tomorrow I will see her once again and know something more about her the interview may be serviceable to her or it may not at any rate it will give a breath of excitement to the life she has doomed to stagnation and may calm it certainly some agitation thoughts I will go on tomorrow not till towards evening after the business of the day was concluded that is between 6 and 7 and the western ring sun was gleaming redly on the old hall and flaming in the lattice windows as I reached it imparting to the place a chieftain knows not its own I did not delay topend feelings with which I approached shrine of my form of divinity that spot teeming with a thousand delightful recollations and glorious dreams all darkened now by one disastrous truth Rachel admitted me into the parlor and went to call her mistress for she was not there but there was her desk left open on the little round table beside the hideback chair with a book laid up on it her limited but choice collection of books was almost as familiar to me as my own but this volume had not seen before I took it up it was Sir Humphrey Davies last days of a philosopher and unfortunately it was written Frederick Lawrence I closed the book but kept it in my hand and stood facing the door with my back to the fireplace call me a wanting arrival for I did not doubt she would come and soon I heard a step in the hall my heart was beginning to throw but I checked with an internal rebuke and maintained my composure outwardly at least she entered calm, pale, collected to what am I in depth for this favor Mr. Markham said she with such a vir but quite dignity as almost disconcerted me but I answered with a smile and impudently enough well I come to hear your explanation I told you I would not give it said she I said you were unworthy of my confidence very well replied I move into the door stay a moment said she this is last time I shall see you don't go just yet I remained awaiting her further recommends tell me resumed she on what grounds you believe these things against me who told you and what they say I paused the moment she met my eye as if her bosom had been still with conscience innocence she was resolved to know the words and determined to dare it too I can crush that bold spirit thought I but while I secretly exalted in my power I felt disposed to daily with my victim like a cat showing her the book that I still held in my hand and pointing to the name on the fly leaf but fixing my eye upon her face I asked do you know that gentleman of course I do replied she and the sudden flushed suffused her features whether of shame or anger I could not tell it rather resembled later what next sir how long is it since you saw him who gave it the right to cataphyse me on this or any other subject oh no one it's quite your opinion whether to answer or not and now let me ask have you heard what has lately befallen this friend of yours because if you have not I will not be insulted Mr. Markham cried she almost infuriated at my manner so you had better leave the house at once if you came only for that I did not come to insult you I came to hear your explanation and I tell you I won't give it retorted she basing the room in a state of long excitement with her hands clasped tightly together breathing short and flashing fires of indignation from her eyes I will not condescend to explain myself to one that can make a gesture of such horrible suspicions and be so easily led to incertain them I do not make a gesture of them Mrs. Graham return I drooling at once my tone of taunting sarcasm I hardly wish I could find them adjusting matter and as to being easily led to suspect not only knows what a blind and quite lustful I have ever heard it been for to veritely shutting my eyes and stopping my ears against everything that threatened to shake my confidence in you till proof itself confounded my infatuation what proof sir well I'll tell you you remember that evening when I was here last I do even then you drop some hints that might have opened the eyes of your man but there no such effect upon me I went on trusting and believing hoping against hope and adoring where I could not comprehend it so happened however that after I left you I turned back drawn by pure depth of sympathy and ardor of affection not daring to intrude my presence openly upon you but unable to resist the temptation of catching one glimpse through the window just to see how you were for I left you apparently in great affliction and I partially blamed my own one to be forbearance and discretion as a cause of it if I did wrong love alone was my incentive and punishment was very enough for it was just as I reached that tree that you come all into the garden with your friend not choosing to show myself under the circumstances I stood still in the shadow to allow both best by and how much of our conversation did you hear I heard quite enough Helen and it was well for me that I did hear it for nothing less could have cured my infatuation I always said and thought that I would never believe a word against you unless I heard you from your own lips all the hints and affirmations of others I treated as malignant business slanders your own self-actuation I believed to be overstrained and all that seemed uncountable in your position that you could account for if you chose Mrs. Grant had discontinued her walk she lent against one end of the chimney piece opposite that near which I was standing with her chin resting on her close hands her eyes no longer burning with anger but gleaming with restless excitement sometimes glancing at me while I spoke then coursing the opposite wall or fixed upon the carpet you should have come to me after all said she and hear what I had to say in my own justification it was ungenerous and wronged to withdraw yourself so secretly and suddenly immediately after such hardened protestations of attachment without ever signing a reason for the change you should have told me all no matter how bitterly it would have been better than this silence to what end should I have done so you could not have enlightened me further in a project which alone concerned me nor could you have made me discredit the evidence of my senses I desired our intimacy to be discontinued at once as you yourself had acknowledged you would probably be the case if I knew all but I did not wish to upgrade you though, as you also acknowledged you have deeply wronged me yes, you have done me in an injury you can never repair on any other either you have plighted freshness and promise of youth and of a wilderness I might live a hundred years but I could never recover from the effects of this withering blow I never forget it hereafter you smiled Mrs. Graham said I, suddenly stopping short checked in my passionate declamation my unnoticable feelings to behold her actually smiling at the picture of the ruin she had wrought did I? replied she, looking seriously up at it if I did, it was not of pleasure at thoughts of the harm I had done you heaven knows I have had torment enough for the bare possibility of that it was for joy to find that you had some death of soul and feeling after all and to hope that I have not been utterly mistaken in your worth but smiles and tears are so alike with me they are neither of them confined to any particular feelings I often cry and I am happy and smile when I am sad you looked at me again and seemed to expect a reply but I continued silence would you be very glad, resumed she to find that you were mistaken in our conclusions how can you ask it, Ellen I don't say I can clear myself altogether said she, speaking low and fast while her heart beat visually and there pulls them heavy with excitement but would you be glad to discover I was better than you think me anything that could in the least agree tend to restore my former opinion of you to excuse the regard I still feel for you and the alleviated pangs of unnatural regret that accompany it would be only too gladly too eagerly received her cheeks burned and her whole frame trembled now with excessive excitation she did not speak but flew to her desk and snatching then swat seemed the thick album or manuscript volume easily tore away a few leaves from the end and thrust to rest into my hand saying you needn't read it all but take it home with you when hurried from the room but when I had left the house and was proceeding down the walk she opened the window and called me back it was only to say bring it back when you have read it and don't read the words of what it tells you to any living being I trust your honor before I could answer she had closed her basement and turned away I saw her cast herself back in the old oak chair and cover her face with her hands her feelings have been wrought to a pitch that the brander did necessary to seek relief in tears painting an eagerness and struggling to suppress my hopes I hurried home and rushed upstairs to my room having first provided myself with a candle though it was to cast a twilight yet then shut and bolted the door with no interruption and sitting down before the table opened out my prize and delivered myself up to its bruise first hastily turning over the leaves and snatching a sentence here and there and then setting myself steadily to read it through I have it now before me I thought you could not of course bruise it with half the interest that I did I know you would not be satisfied with an abbreviation of its contents of all, save perhaps a few passages here and there of merely temporary interest to the writer or such as would serve to encumber the story rather than elucidate it it begins somewhat abrupt does, but will reserve its commencements for another chapter End of Chapter 15 Chapter 16 of the Tenet of Wildfell Hall This is a Librebox recording All Librebox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit Librebox.org Recording by Ana Sofia Simão de Portugal The Tenet of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte, Chapter 16 June 1st, 1821 We have just returned standingly that is, returned some days ago and I am not yet settled and feel as if I never should be We left town sooner than was intended in a consequence of my uncle's position I wonder what would have been resolved if we had stayed full time I am quite ashamed of my new sprung this taste of country life all my former occupations seemed so tedious and dull my former amusement so incipient and unprofitable I cannot enjoy my music because there is no one to hear it I cannot enjoy my walks because there is no one to meet I cannot enjoy my walks of last few weeks that I cannot attend to them my drawing suits me best for I can draw and think at the same time and if my productions can now be seen by anyone but myself and those who do not care about him they possibly may be hereafter but then there is one face I am always trying to paint or to sketch and always without success and that vexes me as for the honor of that face in my mind and indeed I never try I wonder whether he ever thinks of me and I wonder whether I shall ever see him again and then might follow a train of other wonderments questions for time and fate to answer concluding with supposing all the rest be answered and affirmative I wonder whether I shall ever repent it as my mother would tell me I should if she knew what I was thinking about how distinctly I remember a conversation that evening before a departure for town when we were sitting together up to fire my uncle having gone to bed with a slight attack of the crowd Helen said she after a thoughtful silence do you ever think about marriage is and often and do you ever contemplate the possibility of being married yourself or engaged before its season is over sometimes but I don't think it all likely that I ever shall why so? because I imagine there must be only very very few men in the world that I should like to marry and of those few it is sent to one I may never be acquainted with one or if I should it is 20 to 1 he may not happen to be single or to take a fancy to me that is no argument at all it may be very true and I hope it's true that there are very few men whom you choose to marry of yourself it is not indeed to be suppose that you would wish to marry anyone till you were asked a good affection should never be one unthought but when they are sought when the citadel of the heart is fairly besieged it is up to surrender sooner than the owner is aware of and often against her parent judgment and in opposition to older preconceived ideas of what she should have loved unless she be extremely careful and discreet now I want to warn you Helen of these things and we exerted to be watchful and circumspect from the very commencement of your career and not to suffer your heart to be stolen from you by the first foolish or unprincipled person that convinced the possession of it you know my dear you are only just 18 there is plenty of time before you and neither your uncle nor I are in any hurry to get you off our hands and I may venture to say there will be no lack of suitors for you can most a good family but it will be fortune and expectations and I may as well tell you likewise for if I don't others will that you have a fair share of beauty besides and I hope you may never have cost regret it I hope not and but I should defer it because my dear beauty is that quality which next to money is generally the most attractive to the worst kinds of men and therefore it is likely to intel a great deal of trouble on the possessor have you been trouble in that way and? no Ellen said she with a proto gravity but I know many that have and some, though carelessness have been dreaded victims of deceit and some, though weakness have fallen into snares and temptations terrible to relate well I shall be neither careless nor weak remember Peter Ellen don't post but watch keep a guard over your eyes and ears as inlets of your heart and over your lips as the outlet lest they betray you in a moment of unweariness receive coldly and dispassionately every attention Julia shouldn't and don't consider the worst of the aspirant and let your affections be consequent upon probation alone first study then approve then love let your eyes be blind to all external affections your ears deaf to old fascination the flattery and light scurse these are nothing and worse than nothing snares and wiles of the tempter to lure the thoughtfulness to their own destruction principle is for thing after all for next to that good sense respectability and moderate wealth if you should marry the handsomest and most accomplished and superficially agreeable man in the world a little known misery that would help you with after all you should find him to be a worst old reprobate or an impractical fool but what are all the fools and reprobates to do and if everybody follow their advice the world soon come to an end never fear my dear the male fools and reprobates will never want for partners while there are so many of the other sex to match them but do you follow my advice and this is no subject for justing Ellen I'm sorry but see you treat Mary in that light way believe me matrimony is a serious thing and she spoke it so seriously that one minute fancied she had no nature or cost but I asked no more important questions and merely answered I know it is and I know there is truth and sense in what you say but you do not fear me for I not only should think it wrong to marry a man that was fishing in Caesar in principle but I should never be tempted to do it for I could not like him if you were ever so handsome and ever so charming in other respects I should hate him despise him, pity him anything but love him my affection is not only ought to be founded on deprivation but they will be and must be still for without approving I cannot love and is needless to say I ought to be able to respect and honor the man I marry as well as love him for I cannot love him without to set your mind at rest I hope it may be so answered she I know it is so persisted I we have not been tried yet Alan we can but hope set you in your call cautious way I was vexed at her incredulity but I am not sure her doubts were entirely without sagacity I fear I have found it much easier to remember her advice than to profit by it indeed, I have sometimes been led to question some of her doctrines on those subjects her counsels may be good as far as they go in the main points at least but there are some things she has overlooked in her calculations I wonder if she was ever in love I commenced my career or my first campaign as my uncle calls it kindly with bright hopes and fancies chiefly raised by this conversation and full of confidence in my own discretion at first I was delighted with novelty and excitement of her London life but soon I began to worry with sminkled turbulence and constraint and sight for the freshness and freedom of home my new acquaintances both male and female disappointed my expectations and vexed and depressed me by churns I for I soon grew tired of studying their peculiarities and laughing at their foibles particularly as I was obliged to keep myself from my aunt would not hear them and they, delayed especially appeared so provocatively mindless and heartless and artificial just lent me to score me better but perhaps it was because I knew them less perhaps because they flatter me but they are not falling in love with any of them and if their attentions pleased me one moment they provoked me next because they put me out of humor with myself by revealing my vanity and making me feel I was becoming like some of the ladies I so heartily despised there was one elderly gentleman that annoyed me very much a rich old friend of my uncles who I believe thought I could not do better than marry him but besides being old he was ugly and disagreeable and wicked I'm sure though my aunts called me for saying so but she was loud he was no saint and there was other less hateful but still more tiresome because she favored him and was always thrusting him up on me and sounding his praises in my ears Mr. Borheim by name Borheim, as I prefer spelling it for a child of Bor he was I shudder still at remembrance of his voice drone, drone, drone in my ear while he sat beside me browsing away by half hour together and beguilling himself with notion that he was improving my mind with all information or impressing his dogmas up on me and reforming my errors of judgement or perhaps that he was talking down to my level and amusing me with entertaining discourse yet he was a decent man enough in the man I dare say and if he had kept his distance I never would have hated him as it was it was almost impossible to help it for he not only bothered me with the inflation of his own present but he kept me from the enjoyment of society one night however, at a ball he had been more than usually tormenting and my patience was quite exhausted it appeared as if all evening was fated to be insupportable I had just heard one dance with an empty headed coxcomb and then Mr. Borheim had come up on me and seemed determined to cling to me for the rest of the night he never danced himself and there he said poking his head in my face impressing all beholders with the idea that he was a confirmed a knowledge lover my aunt looking complacently on all the time and wishing him godspeed in vain I attempted to drive him away by giving a loose to my exasperated feelings even to positive rudeness nothing could convince him that his present was disagreeable sudden silence was taking for wrapped attention and gave him greater room to talk sharp answers to receive the smart sales of girlish vivacity that only required an indulgence for a bup and flat contradictions were by those odd-toed flames calling force new strains of argument to support these dogmas and bringing down upper me endless floods of reasoning trouble held me with conviction but there was one present who seemed to have a very appreciation of my frame of mind a gentleman stood by who had been watching our conference for some time evidently much amused by companions for more so sportinessity my manifest annoyance and laughing to himself as the asperity and uncompromising spirit of my replies at length, however, he withdrew and went to the labious house apparently for the purpose of asking an introduction to me for shortly after they both came up and she introduced him as Mr. Huntingdon the son of late friends of my uncles he asked me to dance I gladly consented, of course and he was my companion during the remainder of my stay which was not long for my aunt as usually insisted upon an early departure I was sorry to go for I had found my new acquaintances a very lively and entertaining companion there was a certain graceful ease and freedom about all he said and did that gave a sense of repose and expansion to the mind of his constraint and formality as I have been doomed to suffer there might be, it is true a little too much carelessness boldness in his matter and address but I was in so good a humor and so grateful for my late deliverance for Mr. Barham that it did not hanker me well, Ellen, how do you like Mr. Barham now? said my aunt as we took our seats in the carriage and drove away worse than ever I replied she looked displeased but said no more on that subject who was the gentleman you danced with last resumed she after a pause there was so fishes in helping you with your show he was not a fishes at all and he never tended to help me till he saw Mr. Barham coming to do so and then he stepped laughingly forward and said come, I'll preserve you from that inflection who was he, I ask said she with frigid gravity it was Mr. Huntington the son of uncle's old friend I have heard your uncle speak of young Mr. Huntington I've heard him say is a fine lad at young Huntington but a bit wild shy fancy so I have heavy beware what does a bit wildish mean I inquired it means that it is the principal and prone to every vice there is common to use but I've heard uncle say he was a sad wild fellow himself when he was young she suddenly shook her head he was just in then I suppose sad I and he was speaking at random at least I cannot believe there is any arm in those laughing blue eyes false reasoning Ellen said she with the sights well we ought to be charitable we ought to be charitable, you know and besides I don't think it is false I am an excellent physiognomist and I always judge the people's characters by their looks not by whether they are handsome or ugly but by the general cast of the continents for instance I should know by your continents that you were not of a cheerful, sanguine disposition and I should know by Mr. Wilmot that he was a worthless old reprobate and by Mr. Barhems that he was not an agreeable companion and by Mr. Huntington that he was neither a fool nor a knave though possibly neither a sage nor a saint but that is no matter to me as I am not likely to meet him again unless as an occasional partner in the ballroom it was not so however for I met him again next morning he came to call up on my uncle apologizing for not having done so before by saying he was only later returned from the continent and had not heard till the previous night of my uncle's arrival in town and after that I often met him sometimes in public sometimes at home for he was very assidious in paying his respects to his old friend who did not however consider himself greatly obliged by the attention I wonder what to do still I mean by coming so often he would say hey he wants none of my company or I is that certain I wish you'd tell him so then set my hands why, what for if I don't want him somebody does may have winking at me besides he is a pretty tiny fortune peg you know not to the catchers will not but then Helen won't hear a bad patch for somehow this old chap don't go down with girls with all their money and their experience to boot I'll bet anything should rather have this young fellow without a penny than Wilmot with his house full of gold wouldn't you now yes, uncle but that's not saying much for Mr. Huntington for I'd rather be an old man and a pauper than Mrs. Wilmot and Mrs. Huntington what would rather be than Mrs. Huntington hey I'll tell you when I've considered matter ah, it needs consideration then but come now would rather be an old man let alone the pauper I can tell till I'm asked and I'll have the room immediately to escape further examination but five minutes after in looking for my window I beheld Mr. Bohem coming up to the door I waited nearly half an hour in comfortable suspense expecting every minute to be calls and vaguely longing to hear him go then foot steps were heard downstairs my aunt entered the room with the solemn contents and closed the door behind her here is Mr. Bohem Alan said she he wishes to see you oh, aunt can't you tell him I'm indisposed I'm sure I am to see him that's my dear this is no trifling matter he's come on a very important errand to ask your aunt in marriage of your uncles and me I hope my uncle and you told him it was not in your power to give it what right had he to ask anyone before me Alan what did my uncle say he said he would not interfere in the matter if you like to tap Mr. Bohem a bludgeon offer you no he said if you like to take him you might and if not you might please yourself he said right what did you say it is no matter what I said what will you say that is the question he is not waiting to ask you himself but consider well before you go and if you tend to refuse him give me your reasons I shall refuse him of course for I want to be civil and yet cited and when I've got rid of him I'll give you my reasons afterwards but stay Alan sit down a little and compose yourself Mr. Bohem is in no particular hurry for he has little doubt of your acceptance and I want to speak with you tell me my dear what are your objections to him do you deny that he is an upright honorable man no do you deny that he is sensible sober respectable no he may be all this but but Alan how many such men do you expect to meet within the world a pride, honorable, sensible sober, respectable is this such an everyday character that you should reject possessor of such noble qualities without a moment's excitation yes noble I may call them for think of full meaning of each and how many innestible virtues they include and I might add many more to the list and consider that all this is late at your feet it is in your power to secure this innestible blessing for life a worthy and excellent husband who loves you tenderly but not too fondly so as to blind him to your faults and will be your guide throughout life's pilgrimage and your partner in eternal bliss think how but I hate him and said I interrupting this unusual flow of eloquence hate him Alan it is a Christian spirit you hate him and he is so good a man I don't hate him as a man but as a husband as a man I love him so much that I wish him a better wife than I one as good as himself or better if you think that possible provide that you could like him but I never could and therefore but why not what objections do you find? firstly he is at least 40 years old considerably more I should think and I am about 18 secondly he is narrow minded and bigoted and extreme thirdly his taste and feelings are fully similar to mine fourthly his looks voice and manner are particularly pleasing to me and finally I have an aversion to his old person that I can never surmount then I order surmounted and pleased to compare him for a moment with Mr. Huntington and good looks apart which contribute nothing to the merit of the man or to the happiness of married life and which you have so often professed to hold in latex team tell me which is better man I have no doubt Mr. Huntington is a much better man than you think him but we are not talking about him now but about Mr. Bohem and I would rather grow live and die in single blessedness than be his wife it is but right that I should tell him so at once and put him out of suspense so let me go but don't give him a flat denial he has no idea of such thing and it would offend him greatly say you have no thoughts of matrimony at present but I have thoughts of it or that you desire further acquaintance but I don't desire further acquaintance quite to contrary and without waiting for further admonitions I left the room and went to seek Mr. Bohem who was walking up and down the drawing room humming snatches of tunes and live in the end of his cane my dear young lady said he bowing and smirking with great complacency I have your kind garden's permission I know sir said I wishing to shorten the scene as much as possible and I am greatly obliged for your preference but must back to decline the honor you wish to conform for I think we were not made for each other as you yourself would surely discover if the experiment were tried my end was right it was quite evident he had little doubt of my acceptance and no idea of a positive denial he was amazed astounded such an answer between credulous to be much offended and after a little humming and rowing he returned to the attack I know my dear that there exists a considerable disparity between us in ears, in temperament and perhaps some other things but let me assure you I shall not be severe to marked faults and foibles of a young and ardent nature such as yours and while I acknowledge them to myself and even rebuke them with all of father's care believe me no youthful lover could be more tenderly indulged towards the object of his affection than I to you and on the other hand let me hope that my more experienced ears and the grave of evils of reflection will be no disparagement in your eyes and I shall endeavor to make them all conducive to your happiness come now, what do you say? let us have no young ladies affection and caprices but speak out at once I will, but only to repeat what I said before that I am certain we were not made for each other you really think so? I do but you don't know me you wish for a further acquaintance a longer time to no, I don't I know you as well as I ever shall and better than you know me or you would never trim of a knife in yourself to answer incongruous so utterly unsuitable to you in every way but my dear young lady I don't look for perfection thank you Mr. Barhem but I want to express upon your goodness you may save your indulgence and consideration for some more worthy object that won't tax them so heavily but let me beg you to console your aunt that excellent lady I'm sure will I have consulted her and I know her wishes coincide with yours but in such important matters I take liberty of judging for myself and no persuasion can alter my inclinations or induce me to believe that such a step would be conducive to my happiness or yours and I wonder that a man of your experience and discretion should think of choosing such a wife ha well said he I have sometimes wondered that that myself I have sometimes said to myself now Barhem what is this you're after take care man look before you leave this is a sweet bewitching creature but remember the brightest attractions to plover too often prove the husband's greatest torments I assure you my choice has not been made without much reasoning and inflection the seeming imprudence of the match has cost me many an ancient thoughts by day and many sleepless hours by night but at length I satisfied myself that it was not in very deep imprudence I saw my sweet girl was not with other faults but of these three youths I trusted was not one but rather an earnest of virtues yet unblown a strong round of presumption of her little defects of temper and errors of judgment, opinion or manner were not irremediable but might easily be removed or mitigated by the patient's efforts of a watchful and judicious advisor and where I failed to enlighten and control I thought I may safely undertake to pardon for the sake of her many excellences therefore my dearest girl since I am satisfied why should you object? on my account at least but to tell the truth Mr. Borem it is on my own account I am principally object so let us drop the subject I would have said for it is worse than useless to pursue it any further but he pertinaciously interrupt me with but why so? I would love you and cherish you, protect you etc. etc. I shall not travel myself to put down all that past between us suffice it to say that I found him very troublesome and very hard to convince that I really meant what I said and really was so obstinate and blind to my own interests that there was no shadow of a chance that either he or my end would ever be able to overcome my objections indeed I am not sure that I succeeded after all though worried with this so pertinously returning to the same point and repeating the same arguments over and over again forcing me to reiterate the same replies I at length turn short and sharp up on him and my last words were I tell you plainly that it cannot be no consideration can induce me to marry against my inclinations I respect you at least I would respect you if you would behave like a sensible man but I cannot love you and never could and more you talked further repel me so pray don't say any more about it here happened he wished me a good morning and withdrew disconcerted and defended no doubt but surely it was not my fault end of chapter 16 the next day I accompanied my aunt and uncle to a dinner party at Mr. Wilmot's he had two ladies staying with him his niece, Annabella a fine dashing girl or rather young woman of some five in twenty too great a flirt to be married according to her own assertion but greatly admired by the gentlemen who universally pronounced her a straight woman a straight woman a straight woman who universally pronounced her a splendid woman and her gentle cousin Millicent Hargrave who had taken a violent fancy to me mistaking me for something vastly better than I was and I in return was very fond of her I should entirely exclude poor Millicent in my general animate versions against ladies of my acquaintance but it was not on her account or of her cousins that I had mentioned the party it was for the sake of another of Mr. Wilmot's guests to wit Mr. Huntington I have good reason to remember his presence there for this was the last time I saw him he did not sit near me at dinner for it was his fate to hand in a capacious old dowager and mine to be handed in by Mr. Groomsby a friend of his but a man I greatly disliked there was a sinister cast in his countenance and a mixture of looking ferocity and fulsome insincerity in his demeanor that I could not away with what a tiresome custom that is by the by one among the many sources of facetious annoyance of this ultra civilized life if the gentleman must lead the ladies into the dining room why can they not take those they like best I am not sure however that Mr. Huntington would have taken me if he had been at liberty to make his own selection it is quite possible he might have chosen Miss Wilmot for she seemed bent on engrossing his attention to herself and he seemed nothing loth to pay the homage she demanded I thought so at least when I saw how they talked and laughed and glanced across the table to the neglect and evident umbrage of their respective neighbors and afterwards as the gentleman joined us in the drawing room when she immediately upon his entrance loudly called upon him to be the arbiter of a dispute between herself and another lady and he answered the summons with alacrity and decided the question without a moment's hesitation in her favor though to my thinking she was obviously in the wrong and then stood chatting familiarly with her and a group of other ladies while I sat with Millicent Hargrave at the opposite end of the room looking over the latter's drawings and aiding her with my critical observations and advice at her particular desire but in spite of my efforts to remain composed my attention wandered from the drawings to the merry group and against my better judgment my wrath rose and doubtless my countenance lowered for Millicent, observing that I must be tired of her and her scratches begged I would join the company now and defer the examination of the remainder to another opportunity but while I was assuring her that I had no wish to join them and was not tired Mr. Huntington himself came up to the little round table at which we sat are these yours? said he carelessly taking up one of the drawings no they are Miss Hargrave's well let's have a look at them and regardless of Miss Hargrave's protestations that they were not worth looking at he drew a chair to my side and receiving the drawings one by one from my hand successfully scanned them over and threw them on the table but said not a word about them though he was talking all the time I don't know what Millicent Hargrave thought of such conduct but I found his conversation though as I afterwards discovered when I came to analyze it it was chiefly confined to quizzing the different members of the company present and I'll bet he made some clever remarks and some excessively draw ones I do not think the whole would appear anything very particular if written here without the advantageous aids of look and tone and gesture in that ineffable but indefinite charm which cast a halo over all he did and would have made it a delight to look in his face and hear the music of his voice if he had been talking positive nonsense and which, moreover made me feel so bitter against my aunt when she put a stop to this enjoyment by coming composably forward under pretense of wishing to see the drawings that she cared and knew nothing about and while making believe to examine them addressing herself to Mr. Huntington with one of her coldest and most repellent aspects and beginning a series of the most commonplace and formidably formal questions and observations on purpose to rest his attention from me on purpose to vex me as I thought and having now looked through the portfolio I left them to their tete-a-tete and seated myself on a sofa quite apart from the company never thinking how strange such conduct would appear but merely to indulge, at first vexation of the moment and subsequently to enjoy my private thoughts but I was not left long alone for Mr. Wilmot, of all men least welcome took advantage of my isolated position to come and plant himself beside me I had flattered myself that I had so effectually repulsed his advances on all formal occasions that I had nothing more to apprehend than this unfortunate predilection but it seems I was mistaken so great was his confidence either in his wealth or his remaining powers of attraction and so firm his conviction of feminine weakness that he thought himself warranted to return the siege which he did with renovated ardour and kindled by the quantity of wine he had drunk a circumstance that rendered him infinitely the more disgusting but greatly as I aboard him at the moment I did not like to treat him with rudeness as I was now his guest and had just been enjoying his hospitality I was no hand at a polite but determined rejection nor would it have greatly availed me if I had for he was too course-minded to take any repulse that was not as plain and positive as his own effuntery the consequence was waxed more fulsomely tender and more repulsively worn and I was driven to the very verge of desperation and about to say I know not what when I felt my hand that hung over the arm of the sofa suddenly taken by another and gently but fervently pressed instinctively I guessed who it was and on looking up was less surprised than delighted to see Mr. Huntington smiling upon me it was like turning from some purgatorial fiend to an angel of light come to announce that the season of torment was passed Helen said he he frequently called me Helen and I never resented the freedom I want you to look at this picture Mr. Wilmot will excuse you a moment I'm sure I rose with alacrity he drew my arm within his and led me across the room a splendid painting of Van Dykes that I had noticed before but not sufficiently examined after a moment of silent contemplation I was beginning to comment on its beauties and peculiarities when playfully pressing the hand he still retained within his arm he interrupted me with ever mind the pictures it was not for that I brought you here it was to get you away from that scoundrelly old profligate yonder who was looking as if he would like to challenge me for the affront I am very obliged to you said I this is twice you have delivered me from such unpleasant companionship don't be too thankful he answered it is not all kindness to you it is partly from a feeling of spite to your tormentors that makes me delighted to do the old fellows a bad turn though I don't think I have any reason to dread them as rivals have I Helen you know I detest them both and me I have no reason to detest you but what are your sentiments towards me Helen speak how do you regard me and again he pressed my hand but I feared there was more of conscious power than tenderness in his demeanour and I felt he had no right to extort a confession of attachment from me when he had made no correspondent avowal himself and knew not what to answer at last I said how do you regard me sweet angel I adore you I Helen I want you a moment said the distinct low voice of my aunt close beside us and I left him muttering maledictions against his evil angel well aunt what is it what do you want said I I want you to join the company when you are fit to be seen return she severely regarding me but please to stay here little till that shocking colour is somewhat abated and your eyes have recovered something of their natural expression I should be ashamed for anyone to see you in your present state of course such a remark had no effect in reducing the shocking colour on the contrary I felt my face glow with redoubled fires kindled by a complication of emotions of which indignant swelling anger was the chief I offered no reply however but pushed aside the curtain and looked into the night or rather into the Lamplit Square was Mr. Huntington proposing to you Helen inquired my two watchful relative no what was he saying then I heard something very like it I don't know what he would have said if you hadn't interrupted him and would you have accepted him Helen if he had proposed of course not without consulting uncle in you ugh I'm glad my dear you have so much prudence left well now she added after a moment's pause love conspicuous enough for one evening the ladies are directing inquiring glances toward us at this moment I see I shall join them do you come too when you are sufficiently composed to appear as usual I am so now speak gently then and don't look so malicious said my calm but provoking aunt we shall return home shortly and then she added with solemn significance I have much to say to you so I went home prepared for a formidable lecture little was said by either party in the carriage during our short transit homewards but when I had entered my room and thrown myself into an easy chair to reflect on the events of the day my aunt followed me fiver and having dismissed Rachel who was carefully stowing away my ornaments closed the door and placing a chair beside me or rather at right angles with mine sat down with due deference I offered her my more commodious seat she declined it and thus opened the conference do you remember Helen our conversation the night but one before we left standingly yes aunt and you remember how I warned you against letting your heart be stolen from you by those unworthy of its possession and fixing your affections where our probation did not go before and where reason and judgment withheld their sanction yes but my reason pardon me and do you remember assuring me that there was no occasion for uneasiness on your account for you should never be tempted to marry a man who is deficient in sense or principle however handsome or charming in other respects he might be for you could not love him you should hate despise pity anything but love him were not those your words yes but and did you not say that your affection must be founded on our probation and that unless you could approve and honour and respect you could not love yes but I do approve and honour and respect how so my dear Huntington a good man he is a much better man than you think him that is nothing to the purpose is he a good man yes in some respects he has a good disposition is he a man of principle perhaps not exactly but it is only for want of thought if he had someone to advise him and remind him of what is right he would soon learn you think and you yourself would willingly undertake to be his teacher but my dear he is I believe full ten years older than you how is it that you're so beforehand in moral requirements thanks to you aunt I have been well brought up and had good examples always before me which he most likely has not and besides he is of sanguine temperament and a gay thoughtless temper and I am naturally inclined to reflection well now you have made him out to be deficient in both sense and principle by your own confession then my sense and my principle are at his service that sounds presumptuous Helen do you think you have enough for both and do you imagine your merry thoughtless profligate would allow himself to be guided by a young girl like you no I would not wish to guide him but I think I might have influence sufficient to save him from some errors and I should think my life well spent in the effort to preserve so noble a nature from destruction he always listens attentively now when I speak seriously to him and I often venture to reprove his random way of talking and sometimes he says that if he had me always by his side he should never do or say a wicked thing and that a little daily talk with me would make him quite a saint it may be partly jest and partly flattery but still do you think it may be truth if I do think there is any mixture of truth in it it is not from confidence in my own powers but in his natural goodness and you have no right to call him a profligate ant he is nothing of the kind who told you so my dear what was that story about his intrigue with a married lady lady who was it Miss Wilmot herself was telling you the other day it was false false I cried I don't believe a word of it you think then that he is a virtuous well conducted young man I know nothing positive respecting his character I only know that I have heard nothing definite against it nothing that could be proved at least until people can prove their slanderous accusations I will not believe them and I know this that if he has committed errors there are only such as are common to you and such as nobody thinks anything about for I see that everybody likes him and that all Mama's smile upon him and their daughters and Miss Wilmot herself are only too glad to attract his attention Helen the world may look upon such offenses as venial a few unprincipled mothers may be anxious to catch a young man of fortune without reference to his character and thoughtless girls may be glad to win the smiles of so handsome a gentleman without seeking to penetrate beyond the surface but you I trust were better informed than to see with their eyes and judge with their perverted judgment I did not think you would call these venial errors nor do I aren't but if I hate the sins I love the sinner and would do much for his salvation your suspicions to be mainly true which I do not and will not believe well my dear ask your uncle what sort of company he keeps and if he is not banded with a set of loose profligate young man whom he calls friends his jolly companions and whose chief delight is to wallow in vice and vie with each other who can run fastest and furthest down the headlong road to the place prepared for the devils and his angels then I will save him from them oh Helen Helen you little know the misery of uniting your fortunes to such a man I have such confidence in him and not withstanding all you say that I would willingly risk my happiness for the chance of securing his I will leave better men to those who only consider their own advantage if he has done a miss I shall consider my life well spent saving him from the consequences of his early errors and striving to recall him to the path of virtue God grant me success here the conversation ended for at this juncture my uncle's voice was heard from his chamber loudly calling upon my aunt to come to bed he was in a bad humour tonight for his gout was worse it had been gradually increasing upon him ever since we came to town my aunt took advantage of the circumstance next morning to persuade him to return to the country immediately without waiting for the close of the season his physician supported and enforced her arguments and contrary to her usual habits she so hurried the preparations for removal as much for my sake as my uncle's I think that in a very few days we departed and I saw no more of Mr. Huntington my aunt flatters herself I shall soon forget him perhaps she thinks I have forgotten him already for I never mention his name and she may continue to think so till we meet again if ever that should be I wonder if it will End of Chapter 17 Recording by Susie G