 Day Iblis Swiss. Day Iblis Swiss, I'm a member of the Staling Buffalo First Nations here in Port Patel. My Indian name is Sakhan Kanoni, based on a dream my mother had a month, one month before she went to Spirit World. She had a dream and she called me home from over there to have a naming ceremony and a giveaway. I got my Indian name. That was a long time ago. One month later she left us. It was meant to be before she left, but that name was when the father took place. So I still carry it. I still carry that name probably because it came from my mother's dream. How did our people live before treaties? I think for me what little I know about our cultural background is there were no ban. They had their own areas and they lived from place to place like that and they lived off the land. And leadership was something that they had that was I think the old people had a very strong spiritual connection directly connected to the spirit which is kind of stretched now. But back then I think they were much closer and I think that's where they got their direction from because they had the original astronomers I guess that watched the movement of the Star Spirit direction down here just like the schedule of Kalman of events. So I think that's how that's kind of how I visualize based on what little I heard, which is meaningful. It's a light. How were the leaders picked? I think in leadership there were spiritual leaders that were that led through guidance and support and I think they had a they had a system of that kept them together that were selected from I think it was like a pie and there were different departments I guess for lack of a better word that everybody had a responsibility to keep balance in amongst the tribe. But I think the leaders were selected by the people as a whole so that before election time, before election, they would go to whomever they saw that had a good leadership qualities, they would fill the pipe and they would go to offer to that person. And if he accepted then he was acknowledged as a leader by the tribe like that and he was not he was he served the people there was no self-serving in it except to help the people. So that's kind of how I understand that they function. And then the election thing came in and now now what? That's as far as I'll come at that. What kind of qualities did a leader have to have? Courage, wisdom, fortitude, spiritual connection, balance, humility. I think that's what the people saw looked collectively at towards a leadership. I guess a lot of them had it but I think some of them that were a little bit more directed by the creator to the leadership role because I think the creator was never out of the picture. I think that's where the direction came from. Through the dreams of the vision, through the the wise ones, the medicine people that were acknowledging someone to lead them. We think of leaders such as sitting bull from the Lakota and crazy horse. Those were guys that were strongly very strongly spiritual and they had along with that the good leadership qualities that I just mentioned that. So there was a balance there and that's how they led the people and other other leaders like that too. So I think those are good leadership and I think today people don't necessarily have to be an elected leader to be a leader. I think the power of example works well to anybody that is spiritually mostly balanced. So when we have a sweat we touch down with a waterpill onto the rocks before the first round and we ask for blessings for us and they're too clear away our stuff that we can have something to share with others. And I think that's how leaders come in different variations other than those elected leaders or there's other people that are good role models I guess today. The good leadership qualities they have but they're not except they're not like yeah they don't fly around travel around. Do you see traditional governance in communities today? There may be some but it's hard for me to see personally I I think there's a starting to show itself again like it used to one time I think it was uh I think it was spiritually balanced at one time and there may be yet you know but there's other contemporary issues and struggles I think that kind of are necessary to deal with today. So the spiritual part I think the thing about reservations, reservation system and residential school has kind of made a great area there that beautiful. I'm trying to work their way out of now to to put it back the way it used to be. So hopefully that will come in time maybe it'll be so valuable. What were the changes that occurred with treaty signing that you've seen or heard about what kind of changes happened? Well I'm from the Canadian Sioux people and we've never officially signed a treaty with the government so uh technically we're considered treaty and in another sense we're not included in treaty some treaty or other so there's a little a little confusion there for me but I think the treaty made a made some change that kind of brought restrictions that was kind of almost like a one-sided deal so that we were limited like our our our freedom was limited to reservation system and all the rules that came with it such as permission to go to another reservation permission to make a business deal with someone else to sell a load of wood to buy or to do any trading like that was very limited and restricted at one time. And then I think it'll be interesting to explore the underlying reasons why those rules were in place towards native people like that. I've never heard a whole lot share but there may be some assumptions but it'd be nice to clear it up and people say this is why those rules were in place this is why you couldn't trade a horse or visit your friends on the other reservation these are why those rules were put into place so it'd be interesting to hear see. How did people's lives change? Oh man you know I work in a I work in a I contact with Corrections Service Canada and our institutions have a lot of Aboriginal people like lots and young people and we have other areas in life such as poverty and people who are suffering from a lack of education and I think there's something that displaced the spirit way back then that distorted our whole picture today so we set the way we are and just a while ago we talked about politics and spirituality to get a balance to help our leadership in our communities and I think if we can backtrack a little bit and and review those those things when when all that took place and so that reservation system took away a lot of stuff like that so I think it kind of it kind of took the window out of our sales I guess as a people to try to keep that balance in place and I believe some people say well it's just like turning a light switch just pull the switch and everything will be different but it's not like that there's a whole process spiritual process of change and social social changes that social dynamics that took place that kind of rolled backwards a little bit and I think what we're trying to do is roll them back over this way again that's I think that's the process that's starting to show itself and I think it's so good that we have a lot more native people educating themselves and sharing that awareness with other parts of society so that we all can understand and I think that if the treaties were signed like that long ago maybe it wouldn't be like this but on the other hand as a result of the treaties being signed and put into a society the way they were maybe there's some character building to be gained from that by all of us I guess in particular Aboriginal people to rediscover our true natural selves how things used to be before pre-contact and along the way up to today I think there's a good review process in place that can make a brighter picture I hope anyway. How did the role of women change? I think overall there's so many women that are victimized you know you read the paper you do the studies and you contact with women's rights groups and it's so sad to see the the the things that are working against the ladies and on the other hand there's there's so much women's women's wellness movement to counteract that and I think about you know they say that in a cultural sense that the guy that leads the ceremonies are not the actual true leaders they're kind of like serving the ladies and the true power comes from the ladies because this my friend one time told me about how he went to see a doctoring and this guy used to take these he had a necklace with that four empty rifle cartridges laced in there and when he went to doctor people he would take those cartridges and he would swallow them and his doctoring he would shoot them out onto the patient to help the patient and this one time he said he was watching the ceremony where this old timer was doing the doctoring like that and he had three of those cartridges he managed to eject them out onto the patient to doctor they were sitting on the floor and the fourth one he had lots of trouble trying to bring it out he had lots of difficulty and the old cocoon was sitting behind him and while he was struggling to bring the fourth one out she was taking off her old black and white running shoe this friend was telling me and as he was struggling she just went him right on the back like that and the fourth one just came off and he was telling me the real power is with the old lady that she was supporting him even though she didn't look like she was actively involved and i think like that about all of the ceremonies we're just on our way to sunday at ceremony right now and i think like that about the ladies you know because when we remember our old brandies and the old people that that encouraged us they were not loud like the the male leadership the male leadership to all the announcing and the loud noises but i think the true power came from the ladies because in a in a culture that i come from and in many other cultures as well the the sacred pipe was brought from the spirit world by a lady and when we go to sunday after the young girl being groomed right now where we're going and the very first ceremony of the of the sundances our leader is going to walk out of the harbor and he's going to pray and around the bush this young girl who represents white buffalo cappleman he's going to come with the pipe she's going to bring it to the people and she's going to stand there for the duration of the four days and when the sundance is over she's going to take the pipe and walk on the circle oh she's going to leave the pipe and walk around the circle and go back from where she came from four days later so she come dressed in white and she leaves dressed in red because now she's had human contact and she's our grandmother white buffalo cappleman you know and it's so emotional when she leave people just cry openly loud because it was four days of the sundance we experience rejuvenation we experience identity who we who we are and to be proud of that in a humble way what was given to us by the creator and the lady is a big big big part of that so it's unfortunate that the lady suffer as much as they do in our society today that has changed so much you know but at the same time there are ladies who are making a change a difference again and that's really hopeful to see I have a granddaughter that just finished high school about a month ago here and she wants to send us she'll be going to sundance so there's two things there's education there's a cultural perspective coming together you know and there's a statue of the praying hands like that you ever see statue of the praying hands I believe that they hold something in there like that you know just like the bringing together of the pipeline I think the ladies that should be quite of a thing I never forget my granny and my mother they were so instrumental in all of our lives in our family so that's that's the changes that I've seen both kind of hurtful changes and recovery changes and remembering before like long ago when things were pretty fellow long ago people how did the people make a livelihood before the trees as in how did they live off the land as well before diabetes yeah diabetes by itself has made such a big dent in our society there's so many people epidemic that suffer from from the changes and I think about going to a residential school and the different foods that we were introduced to and forced to eat like that you know and I think before that when I was a kid I remember having a there were we had no access to Moosemeat or or elk back then but there were a lot of deer a lot of fish a lot of rabbits and a lot of berries and my mother when we were very poor could make a excellent meal out of vegetables vegetables too we had my mom couldn't whip up a really good healthy meal from next to nothing as well as probably other people eh but there were hard times along the way as well there was there was a kind of wedges of cracking our culture apart away there were outside influences that we were already trying to contend with and struggling to contend with and eventually they broke like for the wheels came off for my family in particular anyway that I'm aware of as well as others eventually there was found fragmentation that fragmentation and people left and people started to pass away and people started to suffer from malnutrition and coping with them you know I think people that are in recovery some people in recovery will substitute junk food or sugar for alcohol or smokes or cigarettes or food because we suffer from obesity and a lot of you know things like that that we try to cope with deep-seated issues and without realizing it we turn to food sometimes for comfort food eh smells good tastes good looks good must be good so let's have some and pretty soon we're addicted and hope into it and pretty soon we're getting overweight and the next thing you know we have health health issues eh which is which is I think spiritually affecting us as well I don't think it's just the deep emotional turmoil or or trauma that we experience but the coping things that we try to use as well to keep ourselves afloat also kind of how do you say that compounded that the problem added on to the to the to the underlying problems of of survival I guess what kind of foods did they pick from the land eh I remember we used to go when I was living in Montana we used to go pick wild turnips we used to drive around a little hills and a little spade and say stop here and I knew how to pick them back then and there was different kind of berries there was dried meat there was dried fish smoked fish like that there was a lot of wild meat and very little and all of a sudden we discovered just like in that movie dances with wolves on that the guy tasted sugar how his face went we were all looking like that all of a sudden and we didn't see what was coming behind don't now look at us today and we really pay for it had we known then had we had influence had we had some kind of support to say this could cause you problems but who was going to tell us that you know until we learned the hard way so I think now the thing is to advocate for a healthy lifestyle I think we have healthcare professionals from Aboriginal communities that are trying to help us to get things back on track and some of which we can't undo but we can prevent the other ones coming behind from like yeah you know so in my travels I try to tell people that I how I got became diabetic when I changed my lifestyle and let the addiction to alcoholism go I started picking out Big Macs and lots lots of sugar and lots of Coca Cola and Pepsi Cola and two packs of cigarettes a day for a while there and I was 260 something pounds and I could barely breathe tie my shoe laces and I didn't realize I in the back of my mind there was a little yellow flag going but I thought nah and what happened to me and then I was sun dancing one year and I I stayed tied to the tree for a couple of days and I thought I was dying out there it was maybe a hundred and six hundred eight degrees I thought was the heat but it was something else inside because I was craving and this guy came and checked on me and he said how are you doing and I said I need a drink I need to drink his sun dance and no food no water and he said you're you pray then he left and he was coming in the house and I see that little styrofoam cup oh good he's bringing me something to drink he brought a little tiny little bit of choke cherry juice just enough to cover that styrofoam cup the bottom and he gave me none and I took him and I just threw it back more and more like that and he said no you pray you pray so I made it through the sun dance and when when it was over those guys told me when you go back to Canada you should go check there may be other problems and reluctantly I went kind of half thinking you know like there's there is a problem and I went for tests and it was like a death sentence when they told me it said you're diabetic I had dreams about I death traditional traditional power dancer I had dreams about from my knees down I had artificial wounds with my outfit on it it was terrifying at the beginning because I couldn't understand how to cope with it yet and it was almost like the end of the world for me and other people have spoken to as well have told me when they found out discovered that told that they were diabetes that it was game over but you know what we have in place today helps us to to cope with those problems like that and a lot of it has stems from improper nutrition for me I was coping with something else and I was using not the best thing to cope rather than doing a better food selection and eating the right foods I was adding to the problem without realizing it until too little too late so I think all the information sessions that we have and we have I've seen pamphlets and stuff on on good food selections in different different health departments to give information out there that's very helpful in in helping us to make a selection but the thing about it looks good it smells good it tastes good so let's have some of this hard thing to break from because it's another addiction I think and it's a coping mechanism because there may be deep there's some issues within that are still on on dealt with and we need to find another way to cope with them rather than to and I think that's probably one of the reason why people relapse and go back running over using you know who said it is a relapse so as a leader you would have to deal with those kinds of issues from your own people what kind of traditional teachings would help a leader I think I think the sweatlog is starting to make a comeback there are great areas yet because we have underlying issues again that need to clear the way if we can take our time and do it thoroughly and carefully and honestly then it'll come stronger their creator will push a little bit more goodness but if we push too fast and grab something that we may not be ready for a for and for us yet then it kind of jumbled it up it take a little bit longer and we may have to go back and reload and start over again but I think because we're desperate for goodness in life we grasp at whatever sometimes we grasp at whatever comes first and we hang on to it we put a death grip on it because we've suffered for so long and that's all we've ever known and it's a first light of hope come like this it may be a little bit real yet we describe it and we hang on like a drowning person and it may not be quite in place yet so we have to go really slow and that's a hard thing to do because we've struggled we suffered people suffered for a long time and they went out and where's the doorway you know so I think that's on those are some of the things that maybe leadership could learn a little bit more about themselves and lead us out like that because when I worked in the treatment center one of the chiefs came to treatment to try to break trail for his people because they were reluctant to to look at themselves look at the addiction and he was trying so he role model for them he came to treatment and then they started to come there were a number of people leaders that came in like that which was a really good thing you know so I think our our I don't know how to motivate or to suggest to leadership that they're our leaders and we come to them to help us you know like that not so much to tell us because it's nice to know something and tell other people what to do but we also have to try to our our moxons have to be moving as their mouth moves I think sometimes so it makes a difference that what teachings will help leaders today in a in a community that I'm from we I think I'm guessing we have roughly 1200 members of our band and out of those 1200 maybe 10 can speak our language fluently if that so out of all those people the language has been lost and I think the language is in harmony with nature it's a connectedness from our spirit to our surroundings our environment in everyday life and I think if we can recover our language I think it would make a difference for me I couldn't speak my language for a long long time I'm not 100 flu that it but I know enough to understand and when I hear it it makes a spirit move the spirit the sense of identity becomes it starts to move again and then start to be to know to realize who I am and to be proud of that person it's not you know not bragging proud but just to be humbly aware of my relationship to the creator through the language like that so there's a connector there I think I just like that tobacco is connected like that I think the language and the and the culture ceremonies like that if we knew those it would kind of help to to turn things back in place that's what that's what I believe in it and I hope for it really because in my own personal life it's made a big big difference that I'm so happy with the things that are there are things to deal with you know but at least if I didn't know what I know about the culture the language like that the ceremonies then I think life would be still kind of gloomy for me so I'm assuming it's like that for all of us if we could kind of get ourselves going like that and I think sometimes I wonder if there's uh if there's differences amongst say our people if they have little personal you know little sharp edges there those those need to be kind of rounded also they're not so sharp so that you can start to get along a little bit more and the work to get on the same page and it used to be like that long ago when the old people I was in a community where uh the elder and the native worker were having we were having a talking circle and there was another elder that had been sober for a long long time and he was talking about uh you know we have a nice shiny office here he said and we sit here and some of our people that are struggling with an addiction will come close to this building and they'll turn and they'll walk right by they'll go past they won't come in for whatever their reasons as to we know that when we were drinking we had not very strong self-esteem and he said they'll come again and long ago we used to go visiting we never locked our doors we would go house to house and we would have tea and vatic and we would socialize we don't do that no more I might as well say it he said you and you and he pointed at the elder and the native worker you guys know that too like you guys sit in your office and say well they can come here they're afraid we should be going out the way we used to and visit them we don't have that no more what's the reason for that so that was quite an interesting lesson he was honest about what he felt you know and he didn't do it in a threatening way he was supportive like that so coming from a community member and I think a large part if our community members had more of a say and I think that that that lack of uh and it's starting to grow but however those people who are still a little bit timid or afraid to speak out there's a history to that that may not have to do with the presenting issue right now it may be coming from some place in their past where they've had struggles you know with courage spiritual courage like that and I think that's why if we could speak the language because I've been to hearings where the elder and the offenders speak the same language and they help the rest of the circle to understand the elder interprets where the people you know the other people like that so I'm pretty fine with this language thing I'm I want to learn more you know and other ceremonies as well the role of the women it's like uh more time more time that that's a very high interest for me because it involves sacredness and life uh and the ceremony like that the high honor of the ladies like that I don't know that we understand enough of that to have to to make it because people get embarrassed or uncomfortable when the issue comes up but when you really look at it closely there's so special I was in another hearing where a lady from another culture was sitting in a in a sharing circle like that and we were discussing the the moon time thing the sacredness of moon time and after break she said you know what for me where I grew up there was nothing but shame involved in moon time it was considered a bad thing and I thought that's unfortunate like there's another there's another perspective on something very special you know to life so I don't know if I'm going off track or not here so what I hear you saying is these ceremonies are important for leaders even for today the language the traditions and ceremonies yeah because you see we're all equal we have all of us have roles in life just like that pie I described a little bit earlier all the pie pieces of the pie are the same they're equal all the tobacco things that here are equal there they don't sit near they get out here who put you in here like that and they're all equal so in terms of leadership and when we talked about leadership long ago when people presented the pipe that didn't put that one elevate that one on a platform but if he accepted it he stayed equal to everybody and served everybody equally not to dominate manipulate or anything like that you know good leadership was very humble and honest so I think I think knowing those things will help to make it better we need more talking in circles like this or people socializing in order to bring it back down to grassroots level the way it used to be like that and I think there are bits and pieces from what I understand that are starting to be like that you know where people are starting to mix and mingle a little bit more yeah how do you say chief in dakota ithansha we charge to ithansha I'm not quite sure what ithansha means but it's a leadership figure it's a leadership figure yeah I'm not at least it's a leader did it change after treaty that term yeah I think it's still it's still it's still verbalized the same way but technically and spiritually it may have moved a little bit sideways because prior to election time it was clear it was clear it was spiritual and then after that there came a competition thing yet tried to happen and then what else followed power and everything else and amostiz in regards to maybe almighty dollar I don't know but it changed you know because I don't think our leadership was given a salary or anything back then I think they were helped everybody was helped somehow I don't think he had extra extra anything I don't think maybe he did because he used to say a ball of twine or box of shells or a suit of clothes if the young people could be taught this how do you think they should be taught I wonder sometimes if the if the caregivers and guardians could be taught as well so that when the child is taught wherever you be at a school or a sharing circle or whatever that when he when the student goes home the child goes home that the adults are there to compliment and add on to what he's learned in school because there's a I think there's a couple of generations that are still wounded and and I think the more that that we deal with our issues the stronger that relationship will grow these kind of roles they say but it kind of rolls back a little bit and ahead again you know to to mend the whole process of change I think that I think that we need adults because sometimes when adults are still struggling with different issues and the child is going to school to learn something he comes home and the support may not be there and because of ongoing struggles like that which is not saying people are bad on whether you're undeserving you just struggle to like you know that are still need to be challenged I guess how did the treaties do you think changed all of that with the Indian Act and how we changed the lives of people on reserves I think there was I think it like we said previously I think it really brought a limit to what people could do in terms of freedom like that's why I said we touched out the water onto the rocks that's what we're asking for that ability to for a free expression and not be so restricted into how we could live what we could say what we could do or not do and I think this thing about authority figures kind of snuck in there somehow because when we went to residential school like my mother I think was only allowed to go up to grade six in residential school there's a reason behind that as well that I've not heard expressed enough in different circles there was she was limited to grade six and she had to do something else people had to go into the workforce or be a farm work on a farm or something but they couldn't go beyond grade six and that has never been explained that I'm aware of why it was like that so there were the words that when we talk about limitations that there was a rule in place like that I believe that was not designed or even consulted with Aboriginal people as to why they could only go so far be educated so far and I wondered if the if the if this dropout rate or something is kind of like influenced by that experience somehow because the spirit is connected like this from one generation to the next and what it's like a mother who's expecting who's pregnant who's drinking alcohol or smoking drugs or feeding the baby good the baby benefits from the mother's experience and I think somehow the same happens from generation to generation in that we feel the ripple effects of what they experienced over there be it a good spiritual experience it was going good until there was a change in the whole thing that came with the with the signing of the treaties and that in itself was an experience because when people signed the treaties I don't know if it was explained clearly what was involved in that because you wonder if it's not one sided by people who are educated who have maybe a different agenda from the people that were believing and led to believe that it was going to be equal or even because after the treaties were signed came those restrictions to reservation and residential school and eventual incarceration and all those other things that were not discussed I don't think yeah consequences of our choices or like that which were very limited I think because if you're allowed to go to grade six grade school and that's it like where is that coming from why would it like that you know or if you can't go and visit your friends in the next community there those need to be unraveled I think address them how I so I don't know about this apology I think there's a lot of little loose ends sticking out all over like that I think and I'm not prejudiced or have anything against anybody it's just not clear with me it's right I know you know understand yeah it needs to be clarified some more I think if you could tell the young people who will be listening to this DVD if you could tell them how to use these traditions and leadership qualities and skills into the future what would you like to say to them I was I was looking at a little article and somebody shared with me a while back that there was a study done on Native American youth three groups of Native American youth in the terms of I think it was addictions and the group that did not so good were the group that were only in a contemporary world and the group that was a middle group was made of those that are only following the traditional way but the group that did the best were by cultural multicultural so that as much as we want to succeed and we educate ourselves I think we need to be grounded in our own traditional backgrounds one of my friends came with me to Sundance one time from the Kree people we were going to South Dakota for fasting and Sundance and he said before we leave on the way down we're going to stop I want to stop on my grandmother so we passed through his community and he went to visit his grandmother who gave him a lecture about grounded in our beliefs what creator gave us and she said you go with your two friends and you support him and you pray the way they pray over there but you'll never let go of what the creator give us our people as well so you have two now but I want a good lesson she shared with him you know and then he went to her for direction he just didn't bypass and said okay let's go he said I want I wish to see my grandmother on the way down so we stopped and she gave him the little talk she supported him she supported me by being biculture in her one way like that and she was very strong in her her beliefs you know then when we went to Sundance she came she came to support us and then when he finished his four-year here dad came and we they honored us we were dancing around his dad was in the middle dancing and shouting like he's doing that Sundance you're so proud of your son that is a neat experience I'll never forget those those are learning lessons in life no so I think you as much as we we want to advance to the contemporary world the other part of that is to stay grounded in our own world like that and I think it makes a more of a rounded person we have that much more to offer and to experience and to understand we're sensitive to the world in a wider scale I think you know because our natural identity is active in all of that so we can have the best of two worlds or how many worlds we wish to be involved and I think like that so it's I think that's a good thing for young people to learn to you know to and then who do we follow who is there to follow you know like who are our role models when I work for corrections and then sometimes when the young men leave they they say I don't know where to go to to find a sweat I don't know where to go for this I don't know who to follow like that so I believe it's like the other cross the board not just the guys that are incarcerated I think many there may be but hopefully there are people like I don't know a lot of people in terms of the cultural sense so there may be some good strong cultural people all over the place that I'm not aware of because my world is limited where I like that where but where I live I see some there's some good cultural support if needed I think and I me I go to the where my the cultural people like the the two people that look the Dakota guy because that's where my was given to us not to ignore and I go to all ceremonies but for my own growth I go to the Dakota people that give me lectures and kick my butt when they need to look at that we're just getting started there's so much there's so much to discuss like this you know and sometimes I wonder if you had a few people in that in that in a little circle like this yeah that they could more ideas could come out like this you know because we could feed off each other oh I remember something else too like that you know like that because in recovery we we asked people would you guys be interested if we had a video camera you know how rare the Dakota elders are David you're very rare you know what long ago go to university and the teacher after about 250 students in the room and I was so timid I just I was living in a halfway house yet and I was trying to sneak out of the room because I felt unworthy of being there and I didn't want to like any direction I tried to be in particular and all these people saw it in a bunch and I was walking and he would look and excuse me he said oh heck my university days are always really kick me out that's how I thought he called me over and he said I've been watching you for a while and there's something I'd like to share with you this is bracing myself for the worst he said you know when I was a younger guy I used to ride with bikers that's how I tried to make my statement in life and there was still incompleteness inside and I reviewed my life he said and I decided you know I'm going to go to school so I went back to school now I teach I make a much stronger statement and he said if you ever decide that you wanted to do something man you've got so much to offer here's a guy I don't even know I gotta go I gotta go and then that kind of followed me because I said what does he see like what is like doing what and the last time I went to black hills I was talking to my friend Charles pastores and there was a couple of our ladies sitting there and he was sitting on the couch and I was sitting here with a nightlifter and then he turned to me slowly and he said my friend why aren't you doing it I said doing what you know he said don't tell me you know what you're supposed to be doing and he told me in the code of day they know have something for you doing why are you not doing it and I started to cry and I said well I feel so mixed up inside yet because in my last episode of drunk I was I was trying to take another guy's life and I had a very hard time to overcome that I went to the Sundas tree number of times and I don't know if that's still a little shadow in my life you know I've been cleared that almost 30 years ago now and but still sometimes I'm wondering and I need to clear that up so that's why I try to keep in contact with those guys to help me encourage me rejuvenate me and tell me I'm okay and I sabotage some things sometimes you know but at the same time from the from the progress I made from the my last time I drank up to today just the end like this sitting like this the last time I sat like this was a police there and I had a number of cops on it easier I got that some place in my wallet to you so keep that because they say never forget where you came from