 I'm gonna be totally honest with you. There was a substantial part of my adult life that I definitely did not want kids and was very vocal about that. I see a couple children. I see a strong legacy of foundation. How about you being... I think the, you know, the kissing is sensitive for me. I think it's scary for me. It's like a new thing for me. And when I look at you, I'm like, yes, dad, you know? And I've never looked at someone before like that. What's up, lovers and friends? As many of you know, your girl is 35 years old and it wasn't until I was actually 34 years old that I knew for certain that I wanted to have kids. Now prior to that, in my adult years, I was telling everybody who would listen that I would not be having children. I was telling my parents do not be expecting no grandkids coming from this direction. Every romantic partner, I was letting them know that I wasn't sure this was going to be in the cards for me or not and that's a place of expectation on me. And yet here I am sitting before you, six months pregnant and so hella excited for my daughter to get here in three months, which sounds crazy to say, but it's the truth. It's the truth. It's the truth. So how did I get here? That's what I want to explore today. Why is it that I was so certain in my 20s and for much of my early 30s that children was not a good option for me? And how did things turn around? So I'm going to explore my three big reasons for not wanting kids. And reason number one, I didn't want to have kids because I didn't think I needed kids. Reason number two, I didn't want to have kids because I did not want to be bonded forever with a wrong romantic partner, pregnancy gas. And reason number three is I did not want to have kids because I was afraid of losing my sexual and overall my individual identity. So we're going to explore all of these various concepts. But before we get into that, let's talk about creation as a whole. Some of you are not ready to start creating a life right now, but you may have a really incredible idea that you have been sitting on and you are ready to birth into this world. And if you are, I want you to consider Squarespace who is the sponsor of this video because they can power your next big idea. This video is sponsored by Squarespace. With Squarespace, you get to control and customize your content to fit your brand this 2020. From websites to online stores, Squarespace provides easy to use templates to build your presence online today. Squarespace is what we use for Shand's personal site and the game of desire. Go to squarespace.com slash shambudi to start playing around for free and get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. So let's dive on into this concept. Okay, so the number one reason that I didn't think that I should have kids is because I didn't need them. There wasn't a void or a space in my life in which I anticipated a child would be able to successfully fulfill for me. And that's because a lot of our relationships in life are sort of based on this need and receive dynamic, this transactional cycle that goes on. This YouTube channel is 100% a need and receive dynamic that I give something and then in return I receive something from you that I desperately know that I needed. Now, if you weren't here and you weren't showing up, this wouldn't fulfill my need and thus this wouldn't be a positive venture for me. It wouldn't be a positive use of my time and I would grow resentful of making YouTube. And a lot of our relationships, you know, obviously a lot of work relationships but even intimate relationships are based on this need received dynamic that the only way that we find it fruitful is if it's filling the void that we know that we intended for it to fill. Now I can't fathom and couldn't fathom what in my life is missing that a child could plug in and fill for me and that made me feel unworthy to be a parent. Like, well, you must not understand how magical and important and fulfilling being a parent is and so you shouldn't be one. But through research, I actually realized that in many ways, not needing a kid, but instead wanting, wanting to share your life, wanting to share your body. I mean, I don't want to do that, but it's a sacrifice. It has to be made, but wanting to give someone else an opportunity through all that you have to enjoy this planet to the best of their capabilities that that's something really special and worthy as well too. And what really affirmed that for me is this book that I read called The Art of Loving. Motherly love is perhaps the most difficult form of love to be achieved and all the more deceptive because of the ease with which a mother can love her small infant. But the child must grow. It must eventually become a completely separate human being. The very essence of motherly love is to care for the child's growth and that means to want the child's separation from herself. The real achievement of motherly love lies not in the mother's love for the small child, but in her love for the growing adult. Some people have kids because they have an unfulfilled goal that they want to achieve. Some people have kids because they've got a shop that they need to populate and they need workers and they need the kids to man the farm. Some people have kids because they are missing love in their life and they want something to call their own and something small that is going to love and need them in the way that they want to be loved and needed. If that didn't hit for you, you might have come from a different family dynamic or observed different family dynamics than I did. It's a really beautiful concept to think about that way. To want to have a kid, to want to have an adult. To want to give life so that that person can take that life and do whatever it is that they desire with it. And that their desires are not contingent on your expectations. Another part of the book that really I think is special. Motherly love at its height makes the child feel it is good to have been born. It instills in the child the love for life and not just the wish to remain alive. Most mothers are capable of giving milk, but only a minority of giving honey too. In order to be able to give honey, a mother must not only be a good mother, but a happy person. For any of you who have been following my journey, I've been on this YouTube consistently since around 2015 or so. So five years, how would you have felt honestly if you found out I was pregnant five years ago? I didn't know what to do with myself and I felt lost. And I'd go into these meetings and be like, hey what's up? Like giving my energy and like being or pretending to be the person I wanted to be, but on the inside I felt purposeless. I felt directionless. I felt like a loser. Or four years ago. I kind of feel like I'm playing this game of soccer and I have all this stuff on my back and I've carried everything with me. I'm in this game and I'm committed to this game and like it's all on the line. And then I walk over that ball and I get there and I kick it and it moves and I stand there and I watch hoping it'll keep rolling and then it stops. And then I have to pick up all my stuff, walk over to the ball and kick it again and then I kick it and it rolls and it stops. And knowing this, the lesson I've kind of learned in all that is I have to really stop expecting the ball to keep rolling. I genuinely believe that I got to a space of milk and honey. Of having enough to survive and having more to give, having joy to give. Probably in the past two years. 2017 was a really big turning year for me. 2018 was and probably still is the best year of my life. 2019 was just a joyful extension of that. 2020, you know, it's been like this for all of us who knows how to describe it, but getting to that space of honey is something pretty new for me. And so in many ways, putting off having a child for as long as I did, which of course comes with risk because I am an older mom, was the best decision for me because now I'm in a place where I think I can truly look into a kid's eyes and say it is good to be alive. And now go out there and live life for yourself. Here's all the tools, here's all the knowledge. And when you are ready, take this and become an adult who has honey, who has life to give, who has a lust for life in their eyes because I have that now. And I know what that feels like. And that's a reason why I'm deciding to have a kid. Reason number two that I was afraid of having a kid because I didn't want to be bonded to the wrong romantic partner. What actually is very interesting about Jared and I's parent relationship together is we came into this union together, both not really wanting kids. So it was never like a consistent value of ours. And so a lot of relationships had to be built on some primary consistent foundational values because it would be a hell of a mistake to get into marriage and then realize midway through we had different ideals around sharing a family together. But both of us actually came into this relationship not sure if we wanted kids at all. I was probably more on the not interested side and Jared was like, take it or leave it. Because people are like, oh, you're married. So when the kid coming and so that kind of constant of questioning of when is the kid coming and I was still on the question of if I even wanted kids at all. So in many ways, I didn't know if he was going to be a great parent. I didn't select him based on his parenting skills or based on my ideals of what he'd like as a parent. I chose him for other reasons. But through this experience, we've actually learned that a lot of the other values that we aligned on truly do make us good co-parents. And I think that's why I've been able to get over my fear of being bonded to the wrong person. Because even if our relationship title changes, the through line of it all is that I fuck with this guy's values. I fuck with how he sees life and I like him. I like him as a person and I've liked him at every stage of our relationship when we were just friends and I just observed him on social media. When we were fuck buddies, when we were in a committed relationship, when we were engaged, when we're married. I have liked and I've loved this person every step of the way. And I've enjoyed seeing the changes and evolution in them and I've enjoyed benefiting from those changes and that evolution. And so again, that fear of being bonded to the wrong person doesn't really exist. And I don't have to feel like we have to be together the way that we are right now in order for me to firmly still stand on that decision and still feel good about the choice to create a life with this person. And I don't think I've really ever experienced that before. Definitely been in love before. I've definitely liked people before. But to be in a space where I have enjoyed and benefited from every stage of the relationship and liked and love someone so thoroughly just gives me a confidence that no matter what, I'm going to be happy and look back on this video and say you were six months pregnant with an incredible person's kid and together you will hopefully make an incredible human being. The third reason that I knew for sure I didn't want to have kids is I didn't want to give up my sexiness. Didn't want to give up my sexual identity or my individual identity for that. You might remember this video that I made about Beyonce years ago. And I felt encouraged to watch not just Beyonce but so many women specifically in media who take on the role of motherhood and don't allow that to be the end of their erotic story and have their place as an individual. I think it's problematic sometimes when I see mothers who exchange their profile photos on social media for that of their kids like you can't lose your identity and while there's an extension of you and a beautiful extension of you it is not a replacement for who you are and it certainly is not an excuse to abandon your erotic self which needs to thrive. And look I got tons of flack from that but I actually stand by a lot of what I said to this day and I want to explain why separating my sexiness separating my sexiness and my motherliness doesn't sound appealing for me and let's talk about it. But first let's talk about Squarespace. I know building a website can be daunting but Squarespace makes it so easy. Even for me who doesn't know how to code I find Squarespace very user friendly. I mean if you're a fan of this channel you probably heard us brag about Squarespace because we literally use that for every website we build. But let me tell you some things that you may not know about. Blogging tools. Squarespace has powerful blogging tools to help tell your story. I mean look look you can schedule your post and have your content work for you not the other way around. Social media integrations. So anything that you post on your Twitter, on your Facebook, on your Instagram whatever you use can be posted onto your website. And you can make social links so that they can go from your website straight to go and follow you. Subscriptions. Easily sells prescriptions to products or services on a weekly or monthly basis to generate reoccurring revenue and build customer loyalty. Look if you're still listening to this voice all I'm saying in short is go check it out build a website for free have fun and when you're ready to launch go to squarespace.com slash shambudy to get 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. So this thing happens when you become a mom where the more aware of and enjoy of your sexual self the less you are perceived of being aware of and skilled at being a parent. You can see this all the time there's mom shaming and out that you have a kid you aren't supposed to do that anymore. Like we have this idea that once someone becomes a mother that they're no longer to be looked at as a sexual being that they are now a nurturing being and those two things cannot successfully coincide together. And I didn't want to fight that battle. I didn't want to lose that battle. Let me say that I did not want to lose that battle. And furthermore, I've worked really hard to get to the space that I'm at now where I can feel confident and good about my sexuality and my individuality despite all of the critiques and criticism. It has taken a lot of self love, a lot of knowledge, a lot of inspiration, a lot of pep talking and reading and researching to be able to sit here today despite all of the negativity and the slut shaming that I've gotten over the course of my career that I've gotten from within my family. I've gotten from past relationships. And so knowing now that I am at risk of losing that or that of being a thing that's going to be attacked so heavily once again as I enter into this new phase was really scary to me. But I realized and instead of looking at it like, oh my gosh, I've come so far. I don't want to have to keep fighting. It should be like, yay, I already know how to fight this fight. I've done this before. I've already put in the work. I've already developed the skills necessary to combat the next phase of my fight to be myself, to be my sexual self. And so I don't have to be afraid. I just have to double down. I have to double down in my sureness and be prepared for that battle. And I am. I genuinely believe that I probably am more ready for that than ever. Interestingly enough, even just being pregnant, I can feel the remnants of that battle happening. And it's not all external. It's not all coming from comments and people out there in the world and articles. It also comes from within as my body is changing. As sometimes, you know, I'm being sexual and I can feel the baby moving around in my body. Those things can be difficult to marry within yourself. Like, oh, should I stop or oh, this mean this or do I look different? Do I this and all these questions come above? And you have to really fight to say no. When you are sexy and you are happy and you are pleasure and you are full and you are selfful and you have enough of that to give to their partner. And there's this beautiful connection that happens as a result of that. You are better at everything else in life. That's what I've been telling all this whole time that having great sex and having great relationships and having a great romantic relationship will improve every area of your life. So how hypocritical of me to start questioning if it's going to improve my odds of being a good mother or not? Of course it will. It has to. It has to. Because if it doesn't, then I don't know who I am anymore. And that's a really scary sentence to say for somebody who loves who they are in this given moment. I actually think that even as a married woman, you start to fight this fight, right? Because everyone's like, oh, you're married now. You're not supposed to do this. You're not supposed to do that. And the defense I always have is like, my husband thinks is hot. My husband actually thinks it's really attractive that I am still indulgent in my sexual side or I am still indulging in my independent side. And I can only hope that my child will feel the exact same way. And maybe they can't put that into words, but they will receive the honey and be grateful for that. And maybe the back of their mind, they're going to know this honey comes from the total expression of myself, which includes my sexual self. Those are the three reasons that I did not want kids. And those are also the three realizations that I have made around those reasons. I've gotten me to a place where I feel really proud to tell you I am having a baby in three months. Once again, out there to the world, I'm having a baby in three months. And I'm so excited and ready and overjoyed to be doing so. And I am so excited and grateful that I didn't do it till now. If you are on the journey right now, trying to figure out whether or not you want to have kids or don't want to have kids. Please use this video and others as inspiration to have that conversation with yourself. It is a decision that only I could have come to nobody could pressure me into it. And I actually had to have some really firm conversations with friends like back the fuck up. I will let you know when it is I want to enter into this realm or if I ever want to. But the constant like is not helping and it's not actually pushing me. It's actually if anything repelling me. So being left my own devices, discovering myself, feeling full in myself, finding my honey at 34 years old is what made me feel like now is the time for me. There was a sacrifice and trade off in that, of course, because biologically the older you get, the harder your chances are of conceiving without intervention. And so I knew, especially as we started to try, that I may have made a sacrifice that was irreversible. That as a result of waiting so long, I may have had to pursue other options of child rearing. Adoption, IVF, or surrogacy, etc. But Jared, of course, had this beautiful line which I quote and love. There's ways to move around the limitation of the body. I mean, that's the good thing about being in an era that we live in with so much technology. We can put things off and still get what we want out of it. You may not be able to carry it, you may not be able to do those type of things, but it doesn't take away from the magic of having a kid. A lot of people can have a baby, but it's very hard to raise a kid. So that should be the focus, like how magical did you raise that kid? And knowing that we both felt that way made this a risk-free decision, a risk-free prolongment. And so if you're thinking of prolonging to really figure out, you know, firmly if this is for you, I would also ask yourself those important questions of, are you okay with alternate options? If you do wait and when you do decide, the chances of having a kid the way that you thought you would are no longer available to you. And the answer to me for that was hell yes. I was never going to look back and say, I wish I did this in my 20s for damn sure. I was never going to look back and even say, I wish I did this three years ago. It honestly was a window of months and I'm really, really happy that it is working out the way that it is. So in the comment section below, let's talk about it. Where are you on your childbearing journey? Where were you in your 20s? Where were you or are you now in your 30s and beyond? And what's the important question that you are toying with right now?