 We invite you to enjoy life, life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Psyhard, and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Carol Nash, with Alan Reed as Beswale. Luigi Vasco left Italy to start his new life in America. He promised his mother that he would write and tell her about his adventures. So now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes to Mama Vasco in Italy. Dear Mamma Mia, tomorrow is going to be one of the biggest days of my life. I'm going to march into my first big parade since I'm in America. I remember when I'm a first to come here, you know how I'm like a parade, Mama Mia. Well, I'm a silly little one, but the five or six are people. So I'm going to get behind the man with the big, best drummer that they go boom, boom, boom, and I'm a marcher. Oh, it was a wonderful. Everybody is calling me brother. People are throwing money at me. And when it's all over, I'm going to find out that I'm a member of the Salvation Army. A few months later, I'm going to see another parade. About the 10 men, they're not going to fire. They're just marching up and then back in front of a store. So I'm a marcher too. If they also call me brother, but nobody is a trombie pennies. And I'm a find out I'm what they call a picket. A few weeks later, I'm seeing a street, another parade. This is a much longer. So again, I'm getting a back in a march. Nobody is a call me brother. Nobody is a trombie pennies. Nobody is even a talk to me. Then all the people let me cut their handkerchief. So I'm going to take out my handkerchief. Then they start to cry. So I'm going to cry too. Soon I'm going to cry louder than anybody else. Everybody is attending to me and they say, it must be poor Charlie's brother. But anyway, tomorrow is going to be a really big parade for 4th of July. And I'm going to make a no mistake when I'm a marcher there. Because of my whole night of school and classes, they're going to march you with me. Well, it's a time for me to go to school now, Mamma Mia. And my teacher and my spoiling is going to tell us about the parade. Oh, what a big day is it going to be. America, I love you. You like a papa to me, from ocean to ocean. Quiet, all right. Let's come to attention. I'll call the roll. Mr. Basco. Here. Mr. Howard. Here. Mr. Olson. Here. Mr. Schultz. Here. Present in attendance and at your service. Mr. Schultz. Oh, I'm so sorry. For a minute I thought I was a gas station attendant. Insane, your fellow mobiles. Mr. Schultz, can I please have some quiet? Sorry, all we got is mobile gas. Mr. Schultz, what am I going to do with you? Oh, have I got a suggestion. Mr. Schultz, please. It's no use begging me, Spaulding. I'm already married. I didn't mean that. Well, let's get on with our history lesson. Uh-huh, so you think I'm cute? I'm not admitted, Ms. Spaulding. I do not. And I doubt you've lost that. You have not. We will now discuss our history lesson. Now, everyone knows that Washington crossed the Schultz in a boat. I mean, Washington crossed the Potomac in a Schultz. You are scraping my barnacle. We will now get on with our history lesson. Class, if any one of you knows the answer, raise your hand. Now, who can tell me five causes of the Revolutionary War? I am no, Ms. Spaulding. Don't ask any further. I have got the whole answer. What a showoff. Will somebody please call up Washington and have him throw Olsen across the Potomac? Mr. Olsen, I know you know all the answers, but I want to see if anyone else knows. Oh, come now, class. Five causes of the Revolutionary War. Anybody? Well, how about four causes? All right. Three. Two. Ms. Spaulding, the war is over. What do you want to do? Start up again? Please. Mr. Basko, do you know the answer? No. Mr. Harwich? I'm sorry. I don't carry a grudge. Let me follow nobody knows. That's my turn to give the answer. There he goes. One good apple spoils the whole rotten barrel. Ignore him, Mr. Olsen. Go on. Yeah. Five causes of the Revolutionary War. One, heavy taxes on the colonies. Two, not enough representation in government. Three, foreign soldiers on American soil. Four, unfair legislation. And five, British capture of American ships. Him or no wonder I hate English moustache. That was very good, Mr. Olsen. Mr. Basko, why is it you couldn't answer any of the questions? Well, I'm a spoiling to tell the truth. I was thinking of the bigger parade tomorrow, and how happy I'm going to be too much. Yes, I'm glad you reminded me. Class, I want you to remember this carefully. Now, we're all meeting tomorrow at 12 o'clock on the corner of Michigan and 16th, right by the armory where we'll join the parade. Oh, I can hardly wait until tomorrow. Is it going to be a wonderful parade? Yeah, and I know a place on the way, a fellow that's the most delicious hot dogs in the world. And we're going to stop and buy for him, huh? What for we have to buy hot dogs? My wife, Esther, she'll bake a wonderful strudel. It'll be enough for all of us. I think hot dogs. Oh, that's a good idea, Horowitz. I will bring some smorgasbord. That's fine. What's the matter with hot dogs? Hey, hey, Hannah, don't forget to me. I'm going to go to Pasquale Spaghetti Palace and have some pizza. Oh, it's going to be wonderful. Kill me, kill me. I like hot dogs. Class, that sounds wonderful. Yeah. Mr. Schultz, why do you insist on hot dogs? Because I was the fellow who was going to be selling them. Gee, my friend. Hey, I want you to do me a favor. You got to make me a lot of pizziola. I'm going to feed a big crowd. Luigi, my son. Oh, I could have kissed you. Pasquale, what the fuck? All I'm going to say is I want you to make me pizziola for a big crowd. That's all right. You take it to my daughter, Rosa. I'm a picnic. Oh, I know Pasquale. Not to me. It's for the parade. I'm going to tomorrow with my night to school, a crowd. How much money you want for five big orders of a pizza? Money, money, money. You think, Luigi, everything in life is money? Is it some things in life that money no can buy? Like what, Pasquale? Like love, marriage, good wife. Pasquale, I'm not going to marry your daughter, Rosa. Please, Luigi, you marry her now. I promise I'm never going to ask you again. No, Pasquale, she's too fat for me. Luigi, go to business, a man. When you marry a woman, you must look for value. Value? Sure. When you buy toothpaste, or when you buy the smaller size or the medium size. Oh, wait, there's no use of Pasquale. I'm not going to buy the giant economy size. Luigi, you're talking as stupid. Remember, good things, they always come in bigger packages. You mean a little of packages? Shut up, but today I'm pushing a bigger package. Luigi, you ain't a user to your head. Don't you know, bachelor life is very good, but it ain't for single fellas. You marry my Rosa, go on a nicer honeymoon, all expenses are paid, you bring her back to your new house, carry her across to the threshold. Carry Rosa across to the threshold? With what? With your wife. With what? Your arms, that's what. Pasquale, you know I couldn't ever carry Rosa across to the threshold? Then I buy you a bulldozer, you push her across. Pasquale, please, Rosa's a nice girl. Put the nut for me. Now, just to tell me, are you going to make me food for this parade tomorrow? No, no, no, I don't know. I'm going to have nothing to do with sitting down on my little pumpkin head. Oh, thank you, Pasquale. Luigi, this parade means a lot to you, don't it? Oh, yes, Pasquale. I'm going to be so proud to walk into my first bigger parade tomorrow. I'm going to feel like a real American. Luigi, I got away as a guarantee that to make you the biggest and the best American in that parade tomorrow. That's wonderful. How, Pasquale? When the parade is a pass to the reviewer standard, a ninth to the Michigan, you're going to explode at the biggest of firecrackers you ever saw. But Pasquale is not the legal to explode a fight cracker. You're crazy. What else are you going to explode? A sunshine of crackers? But Pasquale, I think I'm ahead of shooting off firecrackers against the law. Oh, Luigi, you're right. But that was before they invented the Fourth of July. After the Fourth of July, they made illegal the fireworks by passing a Fourth Amendment. This amendment is also called the Taff the Hartley Act. Now, that's a mean of what anybody can shoot off of firecrackers unless their name is a Taff or a Hartley. What's your name? Luigi Bosco. Oh, you lucky pups. Hey, Pasquale, how do you know so much about the law? Well, I'm always like to keep a missing form. Every chance I'm again, I'm going to read that Washington paper, the Congressional Racket. Now, Luigi, you leave everything to your good friend Pasquale. I'm going to buy you the biggest firecrackers in the town. Oh, Pasquale, you're so wonderful to me. Hey, you think I'm going to explode the firecrackers? They're going to take my name and put them in my picture in a paper so I can send it to Italy? Luigi, you don't have to send your picture to Italy. They're going to send you there. What? I'm a goodwill tour. Oh, Luigi, tomorrow's going to be a big day for you. Believe me, when you explode those firecrackers of people, they're going to be so touched. They're going to be carried away with emotion. Oh, Pasquale, I'm going to use to thank you for that. That's all right, Luigi. And if my thinking has arrived there, you're going to be carried away too. Now you go, go, go, go, go. I take care of everything. All right, Pasquale. I'm going to thank you for everything and goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye, my little banana nose. And remember, don't tell anybody how you're going to shoot off fireworks because then they do it too and it's not going to be no surprise. All right, Pasquale. I'm going to tell anybody. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. So his Fourth of July parade is the more important than my roads. Ha, ha, I'm going to fix him. Good. I'm not a mean man, but when somebody is a purpose, they go out of his way not to marry my daughter, I'm going to be the biggest oract in Chicago. Hello? Hello, police department. This is the Pasquale the Ract. I mean, no. Hello, hello, acts of fellow is a good friend of yours. I'm going to tip for you. My name, sorry, but I'm going to keep my identity under my head. Anyway, if you stand on a Michigan in the 90s, tomorrow at 12 o'clock, when the parades are passed by, you're going to see a fellow who's suddenly go crazy and shoot off a firecracker's not telling what else he's going to do. Ha, what a kind of fellow he is. But I'm not the same, but all I can tell you he's eat only pink salmon. He's a scene of the picture red the river five times and his favorite drink is a Moscow Mure. And now for the second act of Luigi Vasco's adventures in Chicago, we turn to page two of his letter to his mother in Italy. And so I'm here. In a few minutes, the Schultzers are going to meet me here and we're going to get it to my first foot of a July parade. Over there, Pasquale is going to hand me the firecrackers and I'm not going to shoot them off. Mama, me maybe my pictures are going to be in a Nuzarille. Can you imagine, one day you're going to walk into the movies in Italy and there's going to be a double feature, a Luigi Vasco and a Woody Woodpecker. Oh, here's going to be a big good day. Luigi, my fellow boob. Hello Schultzers. What's the matter, Luigi? You are talking so shaky. Well, Schultzers, I'm a little nervous. You know, it's my first parade. Oh, well, maybe you should have it a little schnifter or two. You think a schnifter would have made me look better? Would. You should see my hairings, how beautiful they look when they are pickled. You know, they lose all their nervousness, but only last week I pickled two of them. Today they were standing up in the barrel, daring me to come down and get them. Oh, smile, Luigi. I'm only trying to cheer you up. Thank you, Schultzers. I'm feeling better already. Schultzers, look, all of this food that a Pasquale has given me free for the parade. Stop. Stop and Pasquale gives anything away. It's got strings attached. Rosa's apron strings. Oh, no, Schultzers, no strings attached. Pasquale is a very good, the heart of the man. And I believe me, he's a plenty smarter, too. What? You are talking about the biggest stupid cops that ever lived. Do you know that last year he took out a one-year subscription to Esquire shoe polish? He thought inside he'd find pictures of beautiful girls. I'm not sure. So Pasquale is going to do lots of fevers for me today. Also, while I'm walking with a parade, he's a promise to take my picture with that new Polaroid camera. What? Polaroid. You know, it's one of those cameras where you press the button, and a picture comes out in one minute. Is it not the fastest? What's so fast? Last week I went to a picture, but so terrible, I come out in 10 seconds. Now, what other favors is Pasquale going to do it to you today? Well, Schultzers, he's a secret, but what are you going to find out later? All right. Well, come on, we go to the parade now. All right, Schultzers, come. Mama Mia, I'm, I'm feeling nervous again. Ah, stop with that nervous business. Be like me, Luigi. Come. Smile, Luigi. My rheumatism is killing me. Class, let's all stay together. We're going to join the parade in a moment, and we don't want anyone getting lost. This is such fun. Look, I brought the wiener schnitzels, and I brought the smorgasbord. Wait, you taste my strudel, and I'm going to get the pizza. Himmel, it sounds like the United Nations with heartburn. Well, don't worry. I brought something American, the bicarbonate of soda. Schultzers, Mr. Spaulding is a funnier than a you. Yeah, Miss Spaulding. Maybe you and me, we go on television together. We're going to have a program called Breakfast in Night School. Hey, look, look, all of the people are parade-in. Look, here comes all the factory contingents. Voices of the Alexander Smith Carpet Company. From the Carpet Company. Oh, how they must hate walking on cement. There's another one. Look, workers of the Swanson Chicken Company. Yeah, yeah, and look at that drum major. Instead of carrying a baton, he's waving a shittin'. Oh, class is falling. All right, class. The parade captain is motioning us. Mr. Baskow, Mr. Baskow. Yes, sir. You carry the flag. Me? Carry the flag? Oh, mama, me. Oh, yes. Yes. Mr. Baskow, where are you going? What is it? He's a surprise. I'm coming right back. Well, don't be too long, Luigi. All right. Pascuali, where's the stuff you brought? Hey, Luigi, here's the firecrackers, here's the matches, and you like them. All right, Pascuali. Hey, where are you going? I'm going to call a cop and make it sure he don't miss you. Well, thank you, Pascuali. Now I'm going to light the match. It's a new officer. I'm with the one. Oh, yeah? Let me have that. Okay, here it is. What's happening to the policeman? I tell you, you've got nothing to worry about. I'm going to get you the best lawyer to raise it. I'm going to have you out of jail in the 50 and the 20 years. Mr. Baskow, you told me it wasn't against the lot of furor for the firecrackers. All right, so I made a mistake. But believe me, the whole thing was purely intentional. Besides, who told you to hand the cop of the firecracker in his hand? You know, when he's a climber down from that lamppost, he was ready to kill you. Remember me as of the worst of day of my life. I wouldn't do anything to get out of this. Anything, Luigi. Well, Mr. Anything. Listen, Luigi, vision and time is almost up. In two minutes, you're going to be in front of the judge. If you marry my Rosa, I'm going to give you the best lawyer in town. We put up your bail. He's the habeas of your corpus. We dragged your case through court the five or six years. And by that time, you get your citizen papers in the cases of this semester. What do you say, my son? All right, the pump. I'm going to call it a bashful of bride. Rosa. Rosa. Rosa. Hello to Luigi. Luigi's about to offer you his hand. What do you say to that? Vasco, follow me. Don't worry, Luigi. I'm going to take care of everything. Hey, hey, hey. Court now in session. Judge Mitchell presiding. Your Honor, all these men here are charged with violation of the fireworks ordinance. Please, Your Honor, I'm going to try to be a good American. I'm in no noise against the law. Pay no attention to that, fellow judge. He's getting a good lawyer to defend him. Quiet. I'll have no comments in the court. Stop, stop. I've heard all about it. I came as quick as I could. It's not Luigi's fault. It's not Pasquale. He got Luigi all for shibbon. Every year at this time, I get a group of men who continue violating a very important safety ordinance. Almost every city in the United States has a Fourth of July spectacle where you may witness a fireworks display in a safe and sane way. Why you persist in endangering your life and the lives of your children and your property? I, I can't understand. But a judge, I'm always tried to be a good American. I'll give you a chance to prove it. Let's hear you sing the Star-Spangled Banner all the way through. Say, can you see my redon's early light at the so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight o'er the ramparts we watched was so gallantly streaming and the rockets' red glare bombs was bursting in air gave proof through the night that our flag was still there O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave. What's your name? Luigi Basco. Ah, don't be frightened. The case against you is dismissed. You're the only person I've ever heard sing the Star-Spangled Banner through from beginning to end. A judge, you can't let him go. I'm going to hire a lawyer. Who are you? He's Basco Mali, the fellow that gave Luigi the fireworks. That's not true. I've got nothing against you for that. In fact, I'd like to get some fireworks myself. You would? Certainly, but I don't know where to get them. You'd be a friend of mine if you told me. In that case, the judge, I'm happy to be of service to you. 321 and not the whole state of street. That's all I want to know. I thought you were the guilty party two days in jail. I want to go to my son. I'm not going to get to your lawyer. What? Have me as a corpus to your father. And so, Mamma Mia, after I'm going to get out of court, I'm going to join the parade, and I'm going to have the most wonderful time of my life. At the end of the parade was a big sign which shows an enlargement of declaration of independence, which was signed by great Americans. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal. Mamma Mia, isn't it a funny thing? These are great men who realized this almost 200 years ago, and some people still don't understand it. Well, good night to Mamma Mia. Like the little Fisker boy, as I say, he's a time to retire. He'll love his son, Luigi Vasco, little immigrant. The greatest basquale haunts Conrad Schultz. Mary Ship is misfolding at Jody Gilbert as Rosa. Music is under the direction of Lynn Murray. There'll be some new faces in that famous Monday night CBS spot while Lux Radio Theatre takes its annual summer vacation, and you'll know just how many lives we're awaiting you, and we identify the owners as John Davis, the off-ground queen of comedy, and Abe Burroughs with their new shows. CBS cordially invite you to hear the premiere of these two bright and funny programs tomorrow night, July 4th, when they'll be heard on most of these same CBS network stations. Bob Stephenson speaking. Now stay tuned for Earn Your Vacation which follows immediately over most of these same stations. This is CBS for Columbia Broadcasting System.