 A man over 40 shows his care or demonstrates his care about you when he does this or he'll do this. Now, before we get into this, can we address the elephant in the room? The elephant in the room is human pair bonding is a mess. It's an absolute mess, especially if you're over 40. It's a whole, folks, I wanna identify that a lot of advice out in the YouTube universe is geared to that 20 and 30-year-old, predominantly those that are in their baby-making years for women. And so it's so much different for those of us in our 40s, 50s, 60s, and even 70s. Because most likely, roughly 75% of people in the dating marketplace who are over 45 years old are divorced, and divorce comes with it so many unique nuances that it cannot be deciphered in the same vein of someone in their 20s and 30s. When they're primary, and not that every man experiences or every woman experiences, but ultimately, when people in their 20s and 30s meet up, oftentimes they are going to start a family. They're gonna start a family. So their family is their shared passion, if you will. Their shared passion. And so it's so much different for those of us in our 40s, 50s, and 60s, and even 70s, because most of us have children and many people don't know how to integrate families together, and more importantly, they don't know how to navigate the meeting process, let alone integration of each other's lives. And let's just be real, online dating isn't a natural way to connect with people. Even though it happens to be the number one place most people are meeting today is through some sort of online connection, whether it's a dating site or a dating app, or it might be through some social media connection. For the most part, I would venture to say well over 50% of all new relationships happen with an online connection. And yet it is so unnatural for us because I'm gonna say, I was about to use the word deceptive nature of it, but the actual poor effort people put into this medium, most people put in such poor effort into this medium and that what happens when they meet this person in real life, they're oftentimes disappointed, whether it's the woman disappointed in the man or the man disappointed in the woman. Because in many cases we create a false narrative or in some cases artificial intimacy has been built with this person before you ever actually meet them. Now let's just say two people are lucky enough to connect with one another. Well, we still have dysfunction in the dating marketplace because the vast majority of humans have poor relationship skills. They have poor relationship skills. They have poor communication skills. They have attachment issues. And if you're not familiar with the work of love attachment style, I highly recommend checking out the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. By the way, all the books I recommend today will be linked below in the show notes under Jonathan recommend books. And that's just love attachment. Let's get into something known as the Amago. If you haven't read the work of Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt getting the love you want, the Amago and for those that aren't familiar with it, it's spelled I-M-A-G-O, I-M-A-G-O. This is where oftentimes we choose partners similar to one or both of our early caretakers in our lives because in my interpretation, we are trying to heal some level of a childhood wound or trauma. And by the way, when I say childhood wound and trauma, I don't mean it doesn't necessarily mean physical abuse, verbal abuse, it could be something benign. And yet it affects us as children. So what happens is we have a dating marketplace of humans right after about age 40, they go through some level of what's typically known as a midlife crisis. This is what I call when the blueprint of the reality you thought was going to be, or excuse me, the blueprint you thought your life was going to be collides with your reality. I think there was a movie with Leonardo DiCaprio what's that, Kate Winslet. I think Reputation Road, God, what was it? You know, where he was having his midlife crisis and she was having her midlife crisis. God, what's the name of Perpetual? Something Road, okay? Can someone write it in the chat box? I just don't remember the movie, but it's a great illustration of what happens. And these were a married couple and the dysfunction they went through because in many ways they didn't identify who they were before they ever entered into a relationship. Now, in a moment, I'll get to how a man demonstrates he cares, but I think this is a really important conversation to have is that if a person hasn't gotten some sense of their identity, some sense of who they are and they enter into a relationship with someone where their identity is a false identity created from their childhood or a confused identity. And by the way, this gets triggered in midlife because remember when I said that blueprint of where you thought your life was gonna be like collides with your reality, that directly affects your identity and more important the capacity that you can love yourself. In fact, I wrote a book about it called what the heck is self-love anyway? A journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. There's a link below to get a copy of my book. Why I'm bringing this up. And by the way, self-love isn't manicures, pedicures and working out at the gym. Okay, self-love and by the way, that's part of it. Self-love is your self-worth, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, your self-reliance. It's all wrapped up in the concept of self-love. So what happens is divorce is a unique pivotal point in most everyone's life because on some level it's the death of a dream. But more importantly, it's the unraveling of the tapestry of a life you had. And in many cases, it leaves most humans rather confused. So what makes the over 40 man or woman different than those in their 20s and 30s is most likely there's a higher probability you've gone through some divorce or some significant relationship, some significant. By the way, I think the movie now was Revolution Road. I think it just popped up on my screen. So we have to be aware that our capacity, our emotional maturity directly affects our capacity to do what I'm about to share with you in a moment, okay? Because a man over 40 cares about you. First and foremost, when he, I think men show they care about you when they treat you with respect. They treat you with respect. Now what I mean by treat you with respect, I'm gonna boil this down to one thing, okay? Now there's more than one thing, but I think this is probably one of the most important factors in how a man treats you with respect. And that is his penis doesn't rule him. His penis doesn't rule him. In fact, I wanna share with you a quote I wrote, it's coming out on my Instagram soon. It says, a man shows respect for a woman in the early stage of the dating by not letting the little head do the driving. A man who can temper his sexual urges before trust is built, and I'll talk about that in a second, is a man who treats a woman with respect. What I mean to say is, sexual urges are a good thing. I don't want to discount our capacity to be physically intimate with someone, but at the same time, are they physically intimate because they just wanna ejaculate inside of you or ejaculate in your mouth? Or is it that there's some level of trust being built between the two of you? This is why I'm such an advocate for spending a significant amount of time building trust with one another before you embark on the chemical bandwagon of chemistry. It's interesting because a man might show he cares about you through the expression of his feelings, okay? Now, this is really critically important, so you have to stay tuned for the next couple of minutes of what I'm about to share because sharing their feelings can be a bit confusing. So I want to identify this in a most important way because this is the most confusing part, particularly for men versus women, okay? So there's another meme I created, and I'm gonna read it to you, but it says, beware of the man who doesn't talk about his feelings. Now, a man can share his past from an emotional perspective. He can share his struggles he has in his professional life. He can regularly say, I love you, but it's usually after you say it to him. He regularly says I love you. And he can even ask you to move in with him, but that doesn't mean he deeply cares for you. So here's the answer to this, you know, the title. The best way any man can show he cares is when he constantly opens up emotionally, sharing his feelings about you and what it feels like to be with you. Let me repeat that he shares his feelings about you, but more importantly, he shares what it's like to be with you. If a man demonstrates true care when he expresses, he expresses his feelings about you and towards you. You see, the man who has walls up, the man who's less likely to show he care, or excuse me, the man who is stoic and doesn't express his emotions towards you. See, let me pause for a moment. A man shows he cares when he wants to develop a genuine friendship with you. You see, developing a genuine friendship with you and when you are friends with each other, you demonstrate care for one another, but you also express your feelings about each other. You express your feelings about and what it's like to be with this person, particularly in the area of expressing appreciation for who you are, not what you do for them, but also what you mean to them. The expressing of appreciation and gratitude is a huge sign of someone demonstrating they care about you. Now, I recognize in the book, The Five Love Languages. In the book, The Five Love Languages, not familiar with it, the Five Love Languages are words of affirmation. By the way, if you're a Leo, it's words of adoration, just a little FYI, we like to be adored. Words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service and gifts. What I have a problem with this, as much as I am an advocate for this book and there's a link below to get a copy of this book, I think some men in particular show they care through their actions, like whether it's getting your gas tank filled up or making sure you have oil in your car or maybe even driving you to a doctor's appointment. I recognize that that is a way a person can show they care. But ultimately, we have to break this old cycle, this old cycle. In fact, I was watching a YouTube video earlier and a woman was stating to women out there, a man's job isn't to open up his feelings towards you, his job is strictly being the provider protector. Now, I think this narrative is for men who are incapable of opening up their feelings. They want to control you and they're usually incapable of being a genuine friend with you because they have deep wounds in their lives. This is just my speculation here. And the woman who seek this narrative of the man being the provider protector, it's because they don't wanna support themselves. They don't wanna support themselves. So there's a lot of rhetoric out there and why I'm arguing against this rhetoric while it sounds great, the man's a provider protector, we have to face the real deep reality is that we have to support ourselves whether we like it or not, there are absolutely no guarantees. Many women who have gone through this divorce period of time that I shared earlier often finds find themselves in situations where they're struggling even to take care of themselves financially. And so this narrative, the man or provider protectors, does that really work out? Does that really work out? What really demonstrates real care in a relationship is when someone builds a genuine friendship with you, a genuine friendship with you, and more importantly, they open up their feelings about how, about, listen, we have to be careful about when a man says, oh my God, it feels so wonderful to be with you because he's only focused on the pleasure that you give him. See, it's not, and that's certainly an important, and this happens in the early stage of dating. I mean, how many of you have experienced the guy on a first date? Oh my God, you're so amazing. I could see myself getting married to you. You know, we should travel together, yadda yadda yadda. That's because we're amped up on the chemicals of oxytocin, dopamine, testosterone, serotonin, just to name a few. We're experiencing luster limerates. But that's how you make him feel. I'm talking about how he expresses his feelings about you as a person. Does he express his feelings about you as a person, as a human being? What qualities and attributes about you does he admire? See, there are so many men incapable of opening up their heart in that capacity. But ultimately, isn't this what we want to experience? Isn't a romantic relationships are no rarely about survival anymore? It's about bonding at a deeper emotional level. If you're not familiar with the book, Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters, I highly recommend checking this out. Highly recommend reading this, okay? I think the understanding of our emotional world is the key to relationship success going forward, along with integrating into each other's lives, meeting each other's needs, being there for you, building trust. Do you know what trust is? Trust is, does this person have my best interest at heart? That's trust. When you know this other person has their best is interested at heart. You know, sadly, we live in a self-centric world, particularly in the early stage of dating. It is riddled with, I want to get my needs met. It's rarely about the other person. I mean, and by the way, ladies, you are no picnic in this realm either. I'm gonna say to you, you equally can be as avoidant, as dismissive, as entitled, this isn't, I'm not here to, I'm gonna say that I think both genders, when I was talking about this issue, both genders, well, by the way, I know there are more than, you know, the male film all from a political perspective. But I'm saying for the most part, to my audience, men and women are rather dysfunctional. So what's the antidote to all this? And what's the antidote? Because I know it can feel rather depressing thinking that there are no options out there. Let me just say this. There are a lot of good men out there that are ready to open their heart to someone. In many cases, they just don't know how. All they need is a little bit of training, believe it or not. It's interesting, my clients, and by the way, do you see this link right here to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you? I have curated a program where each module my clients go through actually use this in their dating process with the men. They show all the work we've done together and it's amazing how the men are so receptive because many men just need a little bit of coaxing. They don't know how to connect with their heart. Ladies, after going through a divorce myself, I didn't know this 15 years ago. It took me a lot of painstaking work to get to where I'm at today. But I'm gonna tell you, it was a woman who opened my heart up. It was women who opened my heart up to understand you because when you actually begin to lead by example expressing emotions, and if he can't follow your lead, if he's incapable of going there with you, then most likely he might care about you at a surface level. But that doesn't mean he's ready to go all in with you. And just like even the man who asks you to live with him, that isn't a demonstration of all in. There's something more to all in and that is the capacity to express their feelings, not how they feel being with you, but how they feel about you, the qualities they admire about you. That is a true demonstration of care. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. If it is, I'd like to hear your thoughts, post a comment below. I do my best to read all the comments in the first 24 hours. As always, if you liked this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos as well. And also if you wanna connect with me, schedule a discovery call with me and in the show notes, you can join my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Check out all the books I recommend. Follow me on Instagram as well, okay? All right, those who know my live format, if you're on live right now, if you have a question for me, there's a little chat box down there, write the word question and then post the question there after. Or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat pose to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's him right there with his brother, Colin. He's my son who passed away over five years ago in his honor. We donate to things like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute and scholarships to private coaching as well. All right, so hit that little dollar sign. If you're listening to the replay, there's a super thanks button up there somewhere. All right, Billy Holt is in the house. Question, if a man expresses his feelings by his actions, but I misread his actions, what do I do? You know, that's a great question. And why I think this is a good question because I think coming back to the five love languages, I think many men show they care through their, through their acts of service, okay? And I think women do this too. My mom showed she cared through her cooking. My mom also had a difficult time expressing her feelings. And in fact, she had oftentimes chaotic feelings. I will tell you this, that wounded me as a child because while I can appreciate, you know, she showed, she cared. I think ultimately we humans need to hear the words. So what happens is when you say I misread his actions, you see when a person can't express the qualities they appreciate about you and not the sexual qualities, okay? Let's go, I mean, again, our base instincts, our base needs, you know, I think men can maybe go down that road, but that capacity to really open up their feelings towards you, I think will cause you to misread the actions because we believe that's care and it is care. There is certainly care whether he puts up your television, whether he installs your electrical box for your electrical vehicle, something like that. Certainly men who are handymen, that's how they show it. But ultimately, I want you to think about it. The real depth of a relationship is through our capacity to be genuine friends with one another and also add to that the capacity to express feelings. By the way, I'm not saying this as an absolute, many of you can have a happy relationship without expressing feelings for one another. That's certainly possible, but ultimately when a man can genuinely demonstrate his feelings about you as a person, that shows he cares, okay? Hey, I wanna give props to Beach Lover for her $20 super sticker. By the way, our goal today is $50, so we need another $30 to get to our goal today. So thank you so much, Beach Lover. Janet says, this is true, Jonathan. When I listen to younger men who present themselves as relationship coaches, their advice screams that they're in baby making phase of their life. Yeah, you see folks, while I respect many of my contemporaries out there, whether they're people that just got engaged who are in their 30s and they're probably gonna start a family soon, or they got married in their 30s and they currently have children. It's a whole different ballgame for those of us in midlife, you know? I'm gonna share with you, I'm not happy that I'm back out in the dating marketplace. I'm rather upset, I'll be candid with you. I get it, and I'm as just as equally disappointed with the amount of effort human beings put into connecting with one another. This is why I've started a singles mixer so people can meet more organically because I get the frustration of the dating apps and yet people put pathetic effort into it. And it's no wonder it's marginalized human beings, especially the swiping. I think swiping is marginalized human beings. So I get the frustration and granted, and just to take a step further, ladies, you might be frustrated with dysfunctional men. I'm frustrated with the dysfunction of women as well, although I'm dysfunctional, so I guess I'm meeting my mirrors out there. What I mean to say by dysfunction, there's a significant percentage of the population that hasn't gone back to heal childhood wounds and adult traumas. And again, I'm not talking about childhood wounds as something abusive. I mean, granted, if they had serious abuse, that needs real genuine treatment and healing. I'm talking garden variety wounds and how this affects the negative patterns or limiting beliefs in one's life. And what I mean is contributes to the negative patterns and limiting beliefs. If you haven't read the book, The Hoffman Process, The Hoffman Process, this is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and adult traumas. Why I'm advocating for books. You know, ultimately, I'm gonna tell you something, folks. I was watching Esther Perrell. If you're not familiar with Esther Perrell, she wrote the book Mating Incaptivity. Mating Incaptivity. And she did talk about the fact that relationships are a container for healing. I would say my most recent relationship that ended, and again, it wasn't my choice to end, although I'm grateful because I recognize our misalignment now was probably one of the most pivotal points in my life for my emotional growth. Because through the contrast of what was missing in the relationship made me absolutely crystal clear of what's critically important going forward in any new relationship. Our relationships are containers for growth within each individual. It is an absolute container for growth. There's no doubt about it. At the same time, if a person enters into the relationship with little or no desire to be introspective or grow as a person and they've been deeply wounded, they will affect the other person as well. But I mean, I'm going off on a tangent here. So let's go back to questions. Again, beach, hey, oh, by the way, it's Revolutionary Road. I guess that is the answer. Thank you, everyone. I just couldn't remember. Rachel just gave us a $5 superstar. I guess that's a, is that a pound or it's not a euro. So thank you so much. Now we're only $25 away from our goal. All right, let's keep going. Teresa B says, I loved watching your videos. A lot of resignation with me in my relationship as a widow dating divorced men with a lot of hurt in their past. Your advice is helpful. Have a wonderful day. Thank you so much. You know, yeah, a divorce is a traumatic experience. That's when I talk about adult wounds, divorce is one of the primary wounds most men and women go through. And it can devastate us emotionally from the perspective of, you know what? Divorce is the death, is a death of sorts. And why I'm feeling emotional right now because I'm thinking about my son who passed away. Death, whether in any form can make us fearful of opening our hearts to another human being. I will tell you after losing my son, I spent years with ice around my heart because as you parents know out there, unconditional love for children tends to be one sided. It's like we give them, I mean, they might give us the coups and the kindness, I don't know if our children give us kindness, but they give us the opportunity to be better people for ourselves. It's one sided. And so when a relationship ends, it oftentimes affects us our ability to open up to another human being because an ending fucking hurts. It hurts to go through the ending. By the way, it can be as little, you could date someone for three months and it ended and it's still hurt. You could date someone for a year and it ends and it hurts. You could date someone for eight years and it hurts. You could be married to someone and it ends and it hurts. And that hurt generates fear and that fear makes it so difficult for someone to open up in the future. So whether it's a man or a woman, healing that hurt, healing that wound that happened, I have a scar on my hand. I don't know if you can see that right here. I burnt myself on a kitchen, on a frying pan, okay? At first that swelled, boiled up and what's the word? I can't think of the word where it's not swelled up, but anyway, I had to put medication on it. I had to let it breathe, I put a band-aid on it and eventually, I can put my finger on it and I couldn't do that at first, but there's still a scar. And in many cases, our scars, these wounds are covering us up to actually open up to another human being, whether it's a man or a woman. And so this totally relates to this topic. See, a lot of men are unable to open up their emotional feelings for you because they've been hurt in the past and they're fearful of doing it again and I can speak from personal experience. You know, I went all in in my last relationship. I opened myself up more than I ever have before in my life and it hurts that it ends. So I understand from an empathetic perspective what many of you go through, what it feels like to go through that hurt. Okay, I'm gone on a tangent. Thank you so much, Teresa, I appreciate that. Billy Holt is back into the house. Jonathan, you have told me what is going on, but you didn't. Okay, let's come back to Billy Holt's question. If a man expresses his feelings by his actions but I must read it, what do I do? Well, I apologize, I did not answer your question. You're absolutely right, what do you do? You ask for clarity, ask for clarity. See, this is where, okay folks, if you're not familiar with the book, two books. I Hear You by Michael Sorensen, the surprisingly simple skills behind extraordinary relationships and Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. What do you do? You have to gain clarity. You have to ask questions to get clarity. And the clarity is how do you feel about me? And if he express it, how he feels about you from his perspective in the sense of not about you, about what it feels like with you, he's still avoiding the real questions. How do you feel about me? Do you respect me? Do you cherish me? Do you appreciate me? Are you in, what are the qualities? By the way, here's the question. Someone write this down, this is critically important. What qualities about me do you admire and respect? What qualities about me do you admire and respect? I think this should be a topic of conversation many oftentimes when you're interacting with each other. I think there needs to be a separate day in your relationship where you actually spend time expressing appreciation for one another and the qualities we admire. So anyways, Billy, you were correct. I didn't answer your question, but I hope I did now. Thank you. Hey, someone from my Facebook group. By the way, there's a private group called Midlife Love Mastery. There's a link below to join my private group. This is where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis. One of our members writes, what if one of your parents was emotionally unavailable? Does a person look for a similar opposite personality to help them heal the dynamic established in childhood? Okay, does a person look for a similar opposite personality to help them heal? Okay, the answer is yes, but it's done on a subconscious level. It is not done on a cognitive level, on a conscious level. On a subconscious level, we are all seeking what feels familiar to us and because it's a door opener to healing. We actually choose the wrong partners over and over again as an opportunity to heal. I think some of the most, the terrible things that happen in our lives is the two by four to open up to loving on ourselves. It's the two by four. That's why I wrote this book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? I believe the more pain we experience, it's more of the wake up call to work on ourselves. I think the more pain someone experiences, it's a bigger wake up call. Your spirit needs a fucking smack upside the head. I know this sucks. I know many of you don't deserve the kind of emotional or physical abuse you've experienced in life. And yet at the same time, I'm sorry you've gone through that experience. And at the same time, I believe it's the greatest. I say, I'd like to say the word gift, but many of you will get offended by that because it doesn't feel like a gift. But it's amazing how many people have crawled their way out of the pit of pain and despair that they were thrust into because they took charge of their life and says, I want to heal from this. I don't wanna be a victim of this anymore in my life. I don't wanna be a victim of this anymore in my life. Okay, thank you so much for that question. I appreciate it. Rachel's in the house. Having been told all my life that I'm at the bottom ladder when it comes to my needs being met. How do I find ways to get my needs across without coming across as selfish or dismissive? You have just opened a gigantic treasure chest in that question. And what I mean to say is coming back to this book in particular, non-violent communication. I highly recommend reading this book. Watch the videos of Marshall Rosenberg on YouTube. There is no way I can synthesize an answer for you in one minute. It's impossible. Now, coming back to the book, Emotional Intimacy, excuse me. First, you have to identify your, oh, by the way, I'm sorry, the wrong book, wrong book, wrong book. The language of emotions. First, you have to, what you're feeling and your feelings are trying to tell you. You see, it's not selfish. It's not selfish to get to know who you are as a person. There is nothing selfish about that. And so first, remember I said earlier, we weren't taught these things. So, introspective work and doing personal development self-help spiritual work. Oh, and by the way, I don't want to discount therapy and healing. If I don't talk about that in the same breath, I want to say somatic therapy, the various forms of therapy are part of the process. But first, we have to learn to identify our own feelings. Ladies, what I'm about to say, you're not going to like, but many of you have a capacity to vomit your emotions. But it's, and to your girlfriends and whatnot, but you're not really, in many cases, most humans don't know how to articulate their emotions to another human being in a way that you can be seen, heard, and understood, particularly with men, because men tend to be more logical than they are emotional, generally speaking. This is why learning to express your needs, see, nonviolent communication is all about learning how to express your needs in a way that is not combative. It's actually compassionate. So that's my invitation for you, Rachel, and I really appreciate your question. Thank you so much. Wow, we have a full crowd today. We got a lot going on here. Riley, right, Rhea. Question, how do I go slow with a guy? I want to build emotional connection first before intimacy. I'm generally a slow person, like to build familiarity and trust. Okay, one of the best ways to do that is through social activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, okay? Those are, okay. So I was listening to Alice in Armstrong. If you're not familiar with her work, she wrote a book called Queen's Code. She does a lot of work helping women understand men. Her husband passed away some years ago. She was in her fifties. And she's in a new relationship with somebody. And she said, I heard this on one of her podcasts. She says, I had to experience him in a variety of different circumstances. I have to experience him in a variety of different circumstances. So what that means circumstances is social activities, like being out in the world, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, visualizing him being in a car with each other, driving, see how they're driving skills hard, traveling together. How do they handle the unfamiliarity of a new town or a new city, how it's experienced a person through different circumstances is what she talked about, okay? But Jonathan, many of you have commented on the voice I use, but Jonathan, all we do is text message each other. Our entire relationship is through text messages. Okay, I know that voice grades on some of you, but you're arguing for your limitations when you argue that, again, if you're in a relationship where your entire relationship is built through the smartphone, you can't build an emotional connection with someone. You build what's known as artificial intimacy. Someone write that down. By the way, type into YouTube, after you finish this video, go to YouTube, type in artificial intimacy with Esther Perrell. Again, Esther Perrell, artificial intimacy with Esther Perrell. Watch, I think it was a TED Talk. It might not be a TED Talk now that I think of, it was like a presentation, like a TED Talk. It's a brilliant conversation. It'll take about an hour to watch to understand how we have curated false relationships through our devices, predominantly. So the best way to build trust and familiarity, social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends and traveling together. Those are the best types of circumstances, okay? All right. Hey, Shantel just gave us a $20 super sticker. Thank you for the love. Okay, our goal now, we're at $45. Our goal tonight is, today is a hundred. So we appreciate the love. We are gonna stay on for a while today, I think. When is the right time to tell someone that you love them? Okay, great question. I want everyone, I want someone to write this down. I'll repeat myself, okay? I'm gonna share with you what I love you means to me, Jonathan Asley, and you have to decipher this for yourself, okay? So it means I'm here, you matter, we are important, I've got your back, I'm not going anywhere, and I only want you. Now, I'm talking in the context of a partnership-oriented relationship, okay? I love you can mean a variety of different things. This is singular to the way I view it from a partnership-oriented exploration of a relationship. So I'm here, that means I'm present. I'm not thinking about the future, I'm not thinking about the past, I am present to this relationship, I'm not hung up on a past relationship, I'm not looking for somebody for the next best thing, I'm not swiping on dating apps while I'm in relationship with you, I'm here, I'm present to you, you matter. Well, that's putting your feelings on equal par with my own feelings. Your feelings matter to me, your feelings matter to me. I'm here, you matter. Number three, we are important, that means our relationship is a separate entity, there is a you, there's a me, and then there's a collective we, and I treat this relationship as something I cherish, covet, respect. I treat this relationship, because we're both two sovereign human beings, but I treat it with, what's the word I'm looking for? As something critically important in my life. Okay, so I'm gonna repeat again, I'm here, you matter, we're important, I've got your back. Look at, if you need a ride to the doctor's office because you have a colonoscopy, I'm there for you. You have a 4 a.m. flight that you have to catch on a plane or go to the airport, I'm gonna drive there for you, I'm gonna pick you up. You have a tragedy happening in your life, I'm gonna be there for you. I've got your back. You need to pick up the dry cleaning, I'm gonna be there for you, I've got your back. And by the way, everything I'm sharing is mutual, it's not one-sided, it's not one-sided. I'm here, you matter, we're important, I've got your back, I'm not going anywhere, that means I am fully committed to this relationship, I am fully committed to this relationship, I am all in, I'm all in, I'm here, you matter, we are important, I've got your back, I'm not going anywhere, and I only want you, this basically means please forgive what I'm about to say, but you're the only person I wanna fuck. I'm sorry, I said that a little bit tongue in cheek, what I mean to say is you're the person I wanna make love to, you're the one that I wanna be physically intimate with you, you're the one that turns me on, you're the one that excites me, I'm here, you matter, we are important, I've got your back, I'm not going anywhere, and I only want you. When you can feel all of those and they can feel the same way, that's when I think two people should say I love you to each other, coming back to your question. And it really fucking sucks when you feel that way and the other person doesn't. Let me repeat that, it fucking sucks when you feel that way and the other person doesn't. You know, they might love you, but are they in love with you? They might care, let me reframe that, they might have genuine care for you, which we associate with love, but are they really in love with you? I view the words in love as that all in, you're all in, it's like the wedding vows, through sickness and then health, I'm all in. Okay, by the way, how does everyone feel about what I shared? If you agree I love you means what I just described say, Jonathan, I agree with you, I'd like to hear that, okay? Billy wants to identify, thank you so much, I knew it, but thank you for the answer, you're very welcome. Billy also, what qualities about me do you admire and respect, that's exactly what I said earlier, beach lover says, what qualities about me do you respect and admire? By the way, why that's important because that triggers a man's virtue. If he's not into you, most men have a virtue button, not all, I mean, well, let me reframe that, a lot of that virtue button is masked through a lot of pain and wounding, but a guy who's genuinely, the guy who genuinely respects you, if he doesn't care about you, I mean, if he isn't, my son who's pictured right there calling, I mean, I out him for a moment, I hope he doesn't mind. He was in a relationship with a woman for five months and he really cared about her and I can't share some of the particulars, but three months in he goes, dad, I'm just not feeling it, I'm just not feeling it with her. And by the way, she's attractive, she had a great job, she had sweet, I mean, she was just, I mean, I thought she was adorable, I was really happy for him, but he said, dad, three months in, I'm just not feeling it. I said, give it a chance, you know? And two or three months later, he ended the relationship because our feelings about another human being are such, like love is an intangible, it's an intangible. Honestly, I think it's really rare where two people truly fall in love with each other. I think it's rare, one person can fall in love with you, but the other person doesn't feel the same way or it's vice versa. And I felt sad for him because he really tried. It wasn't like he was disingenuous in any way, but love is an intangible feeling. Oftentimes we confuse our childhood wounds and our amago or our attachment style is love. That's the other piece of this puzzle, oh my God. Do you realize we as human beings are so radically dysfunctional that we confuse love attachment or the amago, in other words, healing with our parents as love. This is really why folks, I'm here to say, you know, many of my contemporaries that have this fantasy approach to relationships, many of them are already happily in relationship. I don't wanna say they're the exception because there are plenty of exceptions out there. But for those of us in midlife, this is really critically important stuff to understand. At the end of the day, the most important relationship you'll ever have is the relationship with yourself. With yourself, that's the most important relationship you'll ever have. When you have an awesome relationship with yourself, it doesn't matter if you meet the man who cares about you or not. Think Betty White, okay? Kathy says right about that, I had a huge wake up call with my marriage. Yeah, most people do. Okay, why not, why not now? Question, I've been seeing a man for almost three months now, he told me he loves me, but he feels very unexpected connection with me. And yet he is afraid to jump into a relationship due to past traumas. Well, you don't have a question there, but this is a, what, read that. Everybody read this right now, that is a common tale. He says he loves you. What he really means is he cares about you and he feels a connection with you and he's associating with that love. And at the same time, he has a counter force. He has this care for you and he has such fear based on his past traumas that it's difficult to actually fall in love with you because the fear is pulling him in the other direction. This is true for men and women alike. The reason why that we're in a dysfunctional dating marketplace is because there is so much pain out there amongst human beings, so much pain. If you have a question, post it later and then I'll try to respond, okay? As Jane says to her, why not? It takes time to heal. I'd give yourself a personal timeline, like six months. And if he does not want to get closer, second thing, create events to make him want to protect and love you. You know, I agree with that, but he's got to heal on his, you know, it's possible to heal in relationship, but he has to make effort to heal because the more acts of protection and providing he does for you can create a false sense of intimacy because if his heart is blocked, it will end at some point. He's got to work on his stuff. Maybe therapy might be necessary. Okay, let's keep going. Jane Spitfire adds that create events like travel together, shower together, do pillow talk together, I'm not disagreeing with that, but I'm also going to say, if he can't get to the root healing, it's always there. That scar is there. It just hasn't, it's not, no, the scar isn't there. The wound is still there. It hasn't healed to where you can, you know, like my scar on my finger I talked about, okay? Paula says, I love your work, Jonathan. Ah, thank you, I appreciate that. Remember earlier I talked about artificial intimacy with Esther Perrell. Beach lover says, oh, Jonathan, the F word. Yeah, I get it. Diane Daniela says, currently in a reboot relationship we dated on and off from our 16 to 19. We didn't talk for 25 years. We're both in the traumatic relationships. We're both rebuilding together. Any suggestions? This is going to sound corny. Prayer, pray, pray for guidance, pray for, pray for your sovereignty. Pray for guidance, pray for your sovereignty because when you are entangled in a traumatic relationship, I call that trauma bonding. You're bonding with someone else's trauma. And it's possible you can heal together. It is absolutely possible with real work, doing therapy together, going to workshops together, learning the skills. By the way, do you know most couples spend more time in the entertainment of each other in relationship than actually working on building better skills together? You know, some people might like Lewis Howes, some people might not. Lewis Howes, okay? He's got a podcast called The Greatness Podcast. He talked about how in the early stages of the relationship he was in, he asked her if she'd be open to doing therapy while dating, while in the dating process. And she was absolutely up for it. Do you know, we spend more time entertaining each other or addicted to our devices or having sex with one another than actually building the skills to curate a healthy, happy, long-term relationship. So I'm on a rant there. When my Facebook members, I agree with you, Jonathan, what it means to me, but not what it means to everyone. Exactly, I love you. What it means to you might be different than what it means to someone else. By the way, that's another good question to ask. A man, what does I love you mean to you? That might uncover a lot of interesting answers, okay? Bullen balloon scuff. Question, how to handle the step from showing mutual loving care, as you just said, but then go to the step further to say I love you. People get scared. You know, there's a leap of faith that happens when we say the words I love you. First, and again, most humans confuse attachment style, a mago, IMAGO, or just genuine care for another as love. And by the way, those are important. I mean, those are all factors to consider. You know, I think what you're asking is probably the hardest question to answer because how many people said I love you on their wedding day and got divorced? See, I love you as momentary. The feeling of love is momentary. It's the seeds of trust. It's the roots of trust that you plant through a relationship, through social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, being on the same page, financially, speaking each other's love language. And physical and emotional intimacy is all of those are the roots to building the trust where you feel like this person matters so much to me that everything in their best interest is my best interest. How many human couples actually ever reach that state? I know it's a depressing number. I know it's a fucking depressing number, but the same time we all hope to be the exception, not the rule. And that's what makes us go by the way. A friend of mine once said to me, this was after my second most significant relationship of my life ended and I was in the pit of despair and I was a victim in all of this. And he said, Jonathan, love is a risk but it's still the best game in town. I mean, here's the bottom line is fall up, fall down, stand up, fall down, stand up, fall down seven times, stand up again, the eight time. You know what, as much as I'm still probably the residue of pain in my ending of my most recent significant relationship, I'm still hopeful. I'm a hopeful romantic. I'm not a hopeless romantic. I'm a hopeful romantic. I still wake up every day going, did my soulmate cross my path today in some way, shape, or form. I know it's kind of corny but that's genuine the honest of God's truth. I think, you know what, I always, and I do the actions throughout the day to put myself in environments so I can be seen and to see her. I'm not afraid because ultimately, and I invite everyone to say what I'm about to say because I say this to myself every day, I open my heart up wide and I am worthy of love. I am open and receptive to love. I am worthy for romantic love. I am open and receptive to romantic love. I am worthy of an all in relationship. I'm open and receptive to an all in relationship. I say this to myself every morning. And then I go about the day and see what happens whether it's swiping on a dating app, whether it's communicating or maybe it's scheduling time with family and friends, all those opportunities to be seen by a single eligible person. Let's keep going. Oh, so why not finally answer question exactly? Should I give him time or leave? I'm thinking of the word should I give him time? The real question is, should I hold out on this uncertainty? Should I hold out on this uncertainty? The bodies are buried from here to the moon of people that have been holding out on uncertainty. I would dive into a deeper conversation. I just fucking dive into that conversation, open up Pandora's box and be willing. By the way, most of you women, I'm sorry to say you have duct tape over your mouth. You have duct tape over your mouth. I know, I know many of you don't have a voice. I understand this. It sucks not having a voice, but the only way to really know, rip the duct tape off and have a conversation and read the books I talked about today because they'll give you the context to do it, to talk to a coach, hire me. I can curate the conversation for you. By the way, there's a link right here to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Kimberly, can someone please tell me how to flirt with men? Apparently I don't know how. And I'm going to be 66 a couple of months from now. Watch videos on flirting. Just go to YouTube, flirting over 40. Watch as many videos if you wanna learn, but you gotta make the effort. It's not like some, hey, just say this, you have to make the effort to learn how. Okay, Rachel had to chase my dad to have contact so learn to do that with men. How do I stop this? Rachel, I want you to think of a child. They see a beautiful flame on their kitchen stove. Beautiful flame. By the way, fire is actually very beautiful. Let's just touch it because it's beautiful. And you as a parent say, no, stop it. Okay, you've already been, you've already touched the flame. You already know that the flame exists. You already know this, that's 80% of it. Self-discipline is the last 20% being disciplined. You see the flame in front of you. You know it's there. You've already said it. I had to chase my dad to have contact with them. And so I learned this with men. You already know this about you. How do I stop this? Self-discipline. Folks, there is no easy other way. There is no other solution. Yes, you can get, you've already know the root of the problem. You can certainly heal and forgive yourself. That's absolutely an important function of this. But the end of the day, it's like you're walking towards a cliff. Do you choose to stop? Like at what point are we gonna take ownership of our lives and say, I see the cliff in front of me, okay? That's more tangible, but the fact is, as you already know this, Rachel, by the way, I'm saying this with a lot of love if you don't know this. I know my tone is very, my tone is a little bit rough, but I'm saying this with a lot of love. You already know that the flame hurts. Self-discipline is the only, by the way, there is a, by the way, someone put this in the chat box. Teal swan. If you're not familiar with teal swan, T-E-A-L-S-W-A-N, teal swan. Some of you might like her. Some of you might think she's a nut job. Some of you might think she's a cult leader. Some of you might think she's a horrible human being, but she did a video on self-discipline leads to happiness. Self-discipline leads to happiness or something to that effect. I thought it was a great explanation of self-discipline. I actually appreciated the video. Again, whether you like it or not, I think somebody you dislike, you can still find value in their words. Some of you dislike me, but you still watch because you find value in my words, okay? All right, so Rachel, I hope that helps. Teal swan, self-discipline leads to happiness. Tiffany is in the house. I attract really great guys, but sabotage and almost immediately, how do I get over this? Okay, we just talked about this. You're aware of it, that's 80% of it. Healing is part of the awareness, is to heal it, to recognize where it came from early on in your life, but ultimately self-discipline is how you stop it. And by the way, doing therapy together, doing workshops together, personal development workshops, couples workshops, these are all ways to improve your relationship with another, but Jonathan, the man doesn't wanna do it. I know you don't like my but Jonathan voice, okay? If he doesn't wanna do the work, then why do you wanna invest in him? Why do you wanna invest in him? Because some of us would rather have a crappy relationship than no relationship at all, but then examine that. Lainis says, I love the F word, thank you. Chantel is in the house. When is too soon to meeting friends and family? Should you wait until you're committed or is it fine when you're just dating? I think if you have a, if you are recycling men, you know, one after another, after another, after another, then I don't think it's a good idea to bring them around your family and friends. But if you don't have a habit of recycling men, then I'd say sooner the better. You know, look it, your family and friends know you and love you. They know you and love you. If you introduce someone that doesn't end up being, and by the way, they're good, by the way, to some degree, and by the way, this goes both ways, someone about to say, some degree they are, they actually can be beneficial in helping you catch the blind spot with this person, but they also, some family and friends can sabotage your relationships. This is where your relationship with your family and friends is a critically important component to the introduction to somebody to your family and friends. If they have a propensity to sabotage things for you, then you're setting yourself up, but then it's gonna be problematic anyway. I say the sooner, the better. When I call someone my girlfriend, when okay, when I agree to monogamy and exclusivity, when I agree to monogamy and exclusivity, that's the time I introduce some of the family and friends. Let me, oh, time out. When we both agree to monogamy and exclusivity, that's the time to introduce someone to people I love. Because if I mix, and I'm also clear about exploring a relationship. By the way, folks, we gotta stop the word dating. We have to reframe it. Are we exploring a relationship together? Thank you, Chantel. By the way, we'd like some love. Hit that little dollar sign to donate to the Connor Ashley Scholarship Fund. Beach says your rants are necessary. Thank you so much, I appreciate that. Ashley says, Ashley says in Africa, Jonathan, following your before the penis goes inside the vagina rule completely changed my dating. I'm loving the healthy relationship and wonderful man in self-love was a catalyst. Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay. By the way, folks, I haven't said it in a while. Before the penis goes inside the vagina. You both should read chapter one of the book, eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman. Chapter one. Okay, chapter one right there. Lean on me, trust and commitment before you guys fuck. Okay, I know that grossed you out before the penis goes inside the vagina. You both, you should at least, you should at a minimum have read this chapter, okay? In fact, you should read this chapter before you begin dating and have a conversation about what that chapter represents before you have physical intimacy with someone. Thank you so much for that. I'm happy to hear you're loving yourself. Question, I read about a test to see if a man loves and cares. You commit it, comment it out loud. You want apple or grapes and then see if he gets up and goes and gets it. What do you think? Again, that's showing he cares versus expressing care. There's a big difference because he also could just be a polite human being too. But by the way, showing they care, see to me love is all in. It's all in. Our society today, hookups, friends with benefits, situationships, casual relationships, they represent the predominant relationships today and each one of them has their value. I was speaking to a woman recently who her relationship ended about a year ago. It was a eight to 10 year relationship. And right now she's happy with friends with benefits. It's part of her healing process. This is honest to God. She's, you know, there's a man in her life that she's physically intimate with and he's in the same boat. He's also going through his own emotional traumas. And sometimes just having that is okay. It's not okay when you want partnership and they want friends with benefits. That's when it's not okay. When you want a significant relationship and they just want to hook up. If you want a boyfriend and he wants a situation ship, if you want marriage and he wants casual, that's when those aren't okay. It's absolutely okay to be in a casual relationship if you both agree to it, to a situation ship if you both agree to it, with the friends with benefits if you both agree to it and a hookup if you both agree to it. In my book, those are all okay. Betty has asked, have you done a new vision board? No, I haven't. I haven't yet. Good question. By the way, if you're not familiar with vision board, I would type into YouTube search bar how to create a vision board. It'll teach you all about that, okay? Okay. Oh, personal question. By the way, I'm open to any personal question you ask. So Gigi writes, in quest for your soulmate, are you searching beyond your typical desirable attractive attributes like you coach us not to be hung up on things like six foot tall? For the most part, I start with like from a dating perspective. I actually, I'm gonna share with you on my dating apps. I don't put any criteria of what I'm searching for. I don't, I mean, I do, I'm gonna say I do have a height preference, but it's a pretty wide range, okay? Body type, it's kind of a wide range, but I want someone, I'm gonna be candid. I want someone who's physically, relatively the same body type as me, okay? Or better. So I take my body type or slightly better, okay? Age, my age or younger, I'll be candid with you, my age or younger. I've been with women 10 years older than me. I've been with my last relationship with a year older, but I'm gonna be candid with you, my age or younger, but not when you're younger by no more than five or seven years is kind of the youngest I'm willing to consider, okay? By the way, they can be a year or two older, you know? But what I think I most look for is, at least in the dating apps, is are they radiating in their picture? Are they radiating in their picture? That's the first thing I look for. Do they have radiance? So let's just for fun, let's just for fun, open up Bumble, okay? And, okay, that first photo of her. She's radiating energy, but she also is wearing sunglasses and she's in a bathing suit. Her first photograph, okay? Sunglass in a bathing suit. Now I'm gonna look beyond that and she's actually radiating a lot of great energy from her pictures, okay? She's radiating a lot of great energy. Here's another one, okay? Now, she's attractive, but I feel like something there's, and I'm just telling with you the way I perceive this, you know, she's a nice attractive person. She's a nice attractive person, okay? The problem is her name is the same as my ex-girlfriend, so, okay, this woman, she's radiating great energy. We gotta give her props, okay? Now, this is her first photograph, a picture of a salad, only half of her body. I just, I don't have respect for mediocrity because that's a mediocre photograph. And so I'm also looking at the care that they instill in their, in the curation of who they are. I think of it like, I want you to think like an actor or an actress. They have a portfolio. They put photographs in their portfolio, variety of different shots. They're usually professionally altered, okay? But the director doesn't care because the reality is, I mean, unless you've grossly misrepresented yourself in your photographs, most people don't. I mean, actually now with apps, you can completely misrepresent yourself to another person, but they don't care that it's professionally touched up because they're gonna deal with that in makeup, okay? But my point is, is nobody goes in for an acting job with a mediocre representation of themselves. They put their best representation for themselves in their portfolio. And our dating apps are the same thing. And yet I don't think that's a really great representation for herself. She's got sunglass photos, not a great representation for herself. So it caused me to swipe the other way. Okay, she's got a cocktail in her hand. She's got spirit. She's got energy. That's okay, you know? But then again, a bunch of sunglass shots. So do you get my point? So coming back to your, I have a wide range within my wiggle room, but what's most important to me is radiance. Someone who is radiating their energy by the effort that they made and they put quality effort together. That's what matters most to me. Okay, let's keep going. Rachel says, I cannot tell you how much better I feel now. Your answer is what I've been doing more recently. So glad. And I know it's answered with love. Back at ya. Oh, thank you. I'm so happy. All right, let's keep going. By the way, how about some donations to the Connor-Asley Scholarship Fund? Facebook group member says, can you describe attributes of an emotionally unavailable personality? Do we can avoid progressing into a relationship? What if they appear as strong and quiet and stoic person? One of the best indicators of the future is someone's past. One of the best indicators of the future is someone's past. So finding out about their past relationships as much understanding you can about it gives you insight into how they handle themselves in the future. More importantly, asking these four questions. What positive things about yourself did you learn in this relationship? In each one of your relationship? How have you healed from each relationship? What was good and what are you most grateful for? Okay, why are those questions important? You have to become a detective because people can sidestep these answers. Well, I learned how not to date a cheater or a liar or a crazy woman. No, you didn't learn that. You just learn, you just experienced that, but you didn't learn it. How have you healed is a self-examination of why you made the choices that you did with those people. What was good and you're most grateful for gives you an idea if they're harboring any negative attitudes towards that relationship. Those are probably some of the best questions to be asking. And if you didn't get all that, rewind this video and rewatch it, okay? Sally says, who here agrees? Jonathan is like a big brother. You really need, love your advice. By the way, I didn't offer the hot seat today, but I'm gonna open it up. I forgot to do this. I'm gonna post the link right now. If anyone wants to talk to me live right now, I'm just on a roll, so we're just gonna keep going. It's posted in the link there. Sean Tell says, thank you, Jonathan. I'm thinking waiting until we are committed. Your confirmation is helpful. Great to hear. Beach lover is back in the house. Why do 70-year-old men overlook 60-year-old women who are financially independent who chase 35-year-old women? Men with means oftentimes do that. Men with means. Men who are poor. By the way, do you realize only 7% of the US population has a net worth over a million dollars, okay? So you're talking about those 7% of men, those 93% of other men. By the way, there are so many men who are in their 70s that would be happy with a 60-year-old woman. Men with means usually have bigger egos most of the time because they know they can buy it. That 70-year-old man with a 35-year-old woman is buying that woman's affections. Most likely, she might care for him, but at the end of the day, it's still a trans, most likely a transactional relationship. Sally, by the way, mentions, teal-swan self-discipline leads to happiness. That's exactly it. Write that down. Let's keep going. Christy says, I'm in a beautiful relationship in every way. Just wish we could make love more often. He's 69, I'm 63. He works and is tired a lot. It's great when we do, but am I being unreasonable? If you're having sex twice a week, I think that's anything. If you're having sex at least once a week, you should be trying to have sex twice a week, okay? If you're at least there, that's, you know, you're in the average of greater than most people out there. Let's just put it that way. Shanya says, that's not true. I support myself 100%, but would still love to meet a man authentically perfected and protective and provided. I was financially used by a man forever, spare me. Well, okay, you're more than welcome to go after what you want, okay? But if you don't get that, man, you're still providing and protecting for yourself, okay? So you are more than welcome to go after anything you want. I'm not gonna detract from that one bit. Jane says, I disagree with that statement. I got divorced a few times and I left them because every man cheated on me and wanted to open marriage. What does that say about me? I've just had a bad picker. Well, there is, you know, obviously you have to decide if you have a bad picker, but I'm ultimately, I believe that you can, what positive things did you learn about yourself? How do you heal? What you're most, by the way, what you can be most grateful for is that they opened you, by the way, if you've done the personal development, self-help and spiritual work to heal, that's something to be grateful for. If you did, I mean, if you didn't, then what's the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results? Okay, power of chi. Question, have you ever watched the viral video? Who the fuck did I marry? It's about a woman who married a pathological liar named Legion. God, I vaguely remember this, but I have a vague memory of watching. I don't know why I'm completely escaped right now to this, but I vaguely remember watching it. Yeah, unfortunately, there are bad people out there. There are bad people out there. Jane says, okay, did I learn positive things after my divorce? Yes, okay, so that's where I was going with that. Rachel says, I'd love to be on the hot seat another time. Saturdays are good, okay. I forgot to put it on earlier, but if anyone wants to join the hot seat, here's the list. Or here's how you do it. By the way, Sharon says that show was unbelievable. Here's the thing, if you watch one of those shows, I think you immediately need to watch something positive, like Jay Shetty and his wife, Gay and Catherine Hendricks, the Gottmans immediately follow it up with something positive, because those shows leave such a lasting negative impression that if you don't immediately follow it up with watching, I just mentioned Jay Shetty and his wife, Gay and Catherine Hendricks, the Gottmans, any couple, go immediately watch some videos on some couples who are demonstrating healthier relationships, because you do not want to be left with that lasting impression. Maybe that's why I've forgotten it, because I vaguely remember it, but I'm just escaped right now. Why did he suddenly ghost me? We have been seeing each other for about a month and a half and yesterday he's son. Yesterday, wait, why did she, this is a man, please forgive me. Oh, by the way, what a psychological trip. I'm so used to women, I didn't read it properly. Why did she suddenly ghost me? We have been seeing each other for a month and a half and yesterday, she suddenly ghost me. Now I feel like I did something wrong. Oh, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob. Thank you for posting this question. First off, if it's only been 24 hours, it's technically not ghosted, although I can see how it feels this way, but it triggers you. So Rob, let me tell you a story about my mother, my mother. My mother had a capacity to emotionally abandon us whenever she was mad at my father, my brother, my sister or myself, okay? Whenever she was mad at one of those people, she would emotionally abandon. As a little boy, seven years old, I thought, what did I do wrong? I didn't know what was going on. I just thought, what did I do wrong? And in that, I began anytime in relationship, the minute someone emotionally abandons me for literally a nanosecond and 24 hours is still technically a nanosecond, it triggers the wound of what did I do wrong? I can relate to this, Rob, on so many levels because I am there with you. I get it. Now, it's been a month and a half in relationship, so it's still relatively, you haven't built many of the deep roots of trust to support a fully formed relationship. Now, it could quite possibly be that something you said triggered her, unconscious on your part, could have triggered her that causes her to abandon. Most likely, Rob, you are with a woman who has an avoidant attachment style. By the way, read the book attached by Amir Levina, Rachel Heller. Also read this book. Well, read both of these books, Wired for Love by Dr. Stan Tattkin and Wired for Dating, how to understand the neurological attachment style that can help you find your ideal mate. Okay, so most likely you are known as an anxious attachment style and she's most likely an avoidant, okay? So first, and you gotta do a deep introspective dive into identifying your attachment style and the most important thing you must say to yourself. And I'm speaking from absolute personal experience here. I am okay. I am worthy. I am okay. I am worthy. I am okay. I am worthy. I am okay. I am worthy. Okay means is if she abandons the relationship, you're gonna be okay. You have to recognize that you will be okay. You've been on this planet for 40-plus years, I'm assuming, and you'll be on the planet for another 40-plus years. I'm give or take. I'm giving you an 80-year window, okay? You are going to be okay. Most important, you are worthy for love. If she has her own shit, that's on her, okay? Now, what I don't wanna recommend you do is immediately put yourself out on the dating apps. That is a temporary unhealthy fix. That's like grabbing, doing a snort of cocaine or drinking alcohol. That's just a temporary, because you have to get to the emotional route is what's going on before you go put yourself back out there because you'll repeat this pattern again and again and again. You will attract another woman who will do the exact same thing. So don't put yourself out there as a temporary fix. Identify the root of what's going on. Great question, Rob. I'm sure a lot of women are responding to you. Jane Spitfire wants you to know you did nothing wrong. She changed her mind or maybe she's ill. Something happened again. 24 hours isn't enough to know for sure. But again, you are okay and you are worthy for love. And by the way, this is true for men and women alike, okay? Even though Sally says, and by the way, Jonathan Fan, I see you there. I'll grab you in a second. Maybe you're better off without her. She's going to play those games, try and speak to her, ask her about it. But if not, there's plenty more fish out in the sea. I apologize, I didn't include that. Yes, you must first work on yourself, but at the same time, invite a conversation to see what's coming up. And if then she goes to you, then you move on. All right. One of my fans is on right now. Hello. Hello. How you doing? Give me that radiant smile. There you go. That's it right there when you chuckled, okay. So what's your question, my dear? You know, you ask the question. What do you want to know? Okay, all right, we're going to do this in reverse order. Okay, are you currently in a relationship? Just say yes or no. Okay, when was the last time you were in a relationship? About six months ago. Okay, and when I say relationship, this is where the penis got to go inside the vagina kind of relationship, okay? So it ended six months ago. How long were you two together? About eight months. Eight months, how did you two meet? We met on plenty of fish. Okay, plenty of fish. You mean the bottom of the barrel? I'm just kidding. Yeah, I think I got real quick. Okay, you met on plenty of fish, you dated for eight months. How far apart do you two live from each other? Lived about an hour and a half apart. Hour and a half apart. How often did you see each other? You said it was an eight month relationship, correct? No. Yeah. Eight months. And it ended six months ago. How often did you see each other? We saw each other about every three weeks, but it was me driving to him. It was right when I first was listening to you, and yeah, then I'm like, yeah. Okay, I'm gonna keep going with my questions, but I have to pause on this. Ladies, men are rather lazy. Men are rather lazy, and women will oftentimes make the effort. And they'll give you a legitimate excuse why he can't come to you. And it's so legitimate, you're like, but I wanna be with this person until you'll make the effort. Let me just tell every woman watching, that's fucking bullshit, okay? It is bullshit that he didn't make effort towards you. So that is not a red, that's a gigantic red flag, red flag, signing flag, signing. Okay, okay. So, so you saw him every three and a half weeks. So during eight months, that's every, that's three times every two months. So three times eight, that you saw him physically roughly 24 times. Is that about right? Right, yeah. Rough, I'll give you a little more time. Okay, who ended the relationship? After listening to you, I ended the relationship, you did it, yes, you got me on the right track. Okay, now why did you end the relationship? Because I didn't see any future in it. I really wanna have a partner. And, yeah, he wasn't gonna do it. Okay, so how did you end the relationship? Well, I wanted to do like a conscious uncoupling thing. Okay. But no, he wasn't- Did you do it over the phone or a text message? No, no, no, no, I did it face to face. I wouldn't, not over the phone. Do you remember exactly what you said to him to end the relationship? I said, I really love you, but this isn't working for me. And I can't do this anymore. It's not working for me, and I really apologize. But I- I'm curious. And by the way, thank you for your vulnerability. I genuinely appreciate it. And I mean that sincerely, okay? What wasn't working for you? Can let's, all right, let's go through it. Let's go through this because this is gonna help everybody that's watching right now. What wasn't working? Can you articulate that to me? Sure. It was, I was working 12-hour days and then taking time off to go to him. And we'd have great time and I'd stay and I had to find a place for my dogs. I'd have to like get a sitter for the dogs. So it was financially draining for me. And we didn't like spend a whole lot of money or anything but it was just exhausting. I was exhausted. So- And he was having a little time and you know, for my house, that was great, but- I'm gonna be candid with you. You still haven't gotten to the root of the why. Like why did you say this wasn't working for me? Now, first off, really quickly, ladies or what, really quickly, Jonathan fan. I wanna acknowledge something. Okay, you made a financial investment in him and you made the physical effort to drive towards him. So what I'm already observing is an imbalance of effort, okay? Your effort was here and his effort was here. Now, I'll be candid with you. That space in between is often known as drama, okay? Women have a propensity to say, I'm doing all this for you and you're not doing this for me. And so they're in that space, it becomes very dramatic. I'm not saying that's what you did. I'm saying that traditionally happens. So let's come back to this. This is really important. You're helping people here. What wasn't working for you? The thing that wasn't working, I actually asked him, I said, so if you come to my house, then I don't have to rent a dog sitter. Okay, okay. He said he couldn't. And what reason did he give for, I apologize, what? He just basically told me no. Okay, so what reason did he give you for no? Something about his spending gas. He was kind of, he was, see, he was a good guy, but he was in a really unstable place in his life. He was retired, but he didn't have enough money and he was making sure that he could pay for his house and he was working at his dad's orchard doing a bunch of stuff. How old was he, by the way? He says 66. 66. I'm 60, so. Okay, thank you. I'm sorry, you're age again? Three. 63, okay, got it, got it, got it. Okay, thank you. Okay, so he didn't have the financial means to travel to you. And so you made the effort to travel to him, but there's something deeper that you're not saying here because what I'm, and I'm gonna speculate now, but because that, okay, it's more than just he didn't come to you. There's something else that wasn't working for you. Yeah, he wasn't, I don't feel like he really, I don't think we really had a future, really honestly. I didn't think that there was any possibility of anything ever going any farther. Okay, so it's fascinating to me though. And by the way, I appreciate your bravery. And by the way, you notice I'm not being my traditional dick that I am to women on my channel because I'll be, sometimes I just get irritated with stupidity, but I've got to own, that's my shit, that's my projection. And I'm stupid, you told me I was stupid and I listened to you. Okay, so my point is, is I recognize that I'm not as big a teddy bear as I should ought to be at times. Okay, with that said. You. What fascinates, pardon me. Just be you. Yeah, okay. So what fascinates me though is you were in love with him. Yeah, exactly. So I wonder if it was real genuine love. And I'm wondering if it was an unhealthy attachment to this person because I don't think a person, and I'm also gonna say I also wanna even go a step further and I'm saying your choice of this relationship was abandoning your own self love because it's, I think if you're accommodating him right from the beginning by traveling to him, you're abandoning yourself. And so each day, I mean, granted, you might've drove to him for the first date but he should've come to you the next one and you go to him and he comes to you. The minute you abandon your own standard, then I can't, I don't believe you were in a position to love him in a healthy way. I wonder if you loved him in an unhealthy way. Can you expand upon that? It's just, that's the way that I did things but I'm really working at making that different now. I'm changing the way I relate to people and I'm not gonna be in a relationship until I can relate to them in a healthy way and that's just the way that it's gonna be from here on out. Yeah. So, well, first off, bravo to you. I love hearing that. By the way, yeah, I want you to, woo-hoo! I am worthy. That is you. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here. So thank you. Oh, expand upon that. Just your, you know, your crazy rants and the Jonathan all the nonsense you do. It's just, yeah, thank you. You just made my day. I had someone that was mean to me the other day on my YouTube channel and I'm like, by the way, I have the thinnest skin on the planet by the way. Huh? Just ignore them. There's 30 others. No, no, no, no, but I'm also, I read because I am always participating. So in my work. So, all right, what are you doing now? I'm in Canada right now. I just got off of a seminar and... Okay, but I don't mean right this moment. What are you doing now to attract love in your life? Are you on the dating apps? Have you gone, you know, you haven't had, when was the last, so you haven't done anything? I'm not, I'm not going out. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna be with my family and I'm going to get better at being me and I'm going to just like live life, you know, to go to dog parks and grocery stores. And I have a couple of groups that I'm in and that's just, that's all I'm doing. You know, and here's the thing, the most important relationship I invite you to curate is the relationship with yourself. But folks, anyone who's over 60 watching this, okay? You know, I'm sorry to say it from a pessimistic point of view. It's just a realistic point of view. I mean, the odds aren't in our favor, okay? And I hope my work is much like the Hunger Games. May the odds forever be in your favor, okay? Because it's like the Hunger Games. Like there's one out of, what is it, 12 people? There's 11 people trying to kill you. There are 11 people trying to fuck with your emotional chi is what I mean by that. And putting the odds in your favor means building your own sovereignty. So you're the strongest warrior out there. You don't need to physically kill anyone, but you protect, and I don't want anyone to say protect, but you're so protected in your bubble of self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-reliance, self-determination, self-discipline. You are so encompassed in your sovereignty that it doesn't matter whether or not you're in a relationship or not. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Yes, it resonates. Okay. Well, sweetheart, from the bottom of my heart, if it's okay, I use that term of endearment. Can I reach into the camera and give you a big, gigantic Jonathan Bear hug? I got you, guy. Thank you so much for being on. Thanks. Wow, what a great share from our Jonathan fan. Folks, there's nothing easy about this thing called dating, mating, and relating. And we can put ourselves out there just much like she did. We can put ourselves out there, and it's good that we put ourselves out there. I think she stood up for herself at the end. Could she have done it a few months sooner? Probably. Sometimes we have to go through these experiences to really learn as much about ourselves. But at the end of the day, what she did was make a stand for her sovereignty. And that's my invitation for everybody here. My channel isn't about whether or not you meet the love of your life. It's not about understanding all the different ways men show they care and all these different things. My message to everybody is to love, find the relationship within themselves first because that matters most. And by the way, I've worked with women in their 60s and 70s who have found love. So it is absolutely possible, even though the odds are against us. It is absolutely possible. I invite you all to curate a life. Become the reality show people want to watch. Become the reality show people want to watch. Because within that, you curate a life that is so juicy, delicious, healthy, and happy that you become a magnetic attractor. You are not looking for a needle in the haystack. You have become the electromagnet that tracks that person into your life. And that's my invitation for all of you to dive into your sovereignty. Jane Spitfire, by the way, my favorite three words on the planet are you are right. I'm gonna tell you, when somebody says that, I always say, I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you, Jane. Can you write it down again? I'm gonna tell you, I have an ego. I do, I'm gonna own it. I'm not a perfect human being by any stretch of the means. By stretch, is that the right phraseology? But anyways, I appreciate that. Susan, thank you so much for the $20 Super Sticker. I appreciate the love. That is so sweet. Our goal is $30 more to reach our $100 goal tonight. One of our Facebook members says, Jonathan, you're amazing. Thank you so much. Hey, Rob is back in the house. Jonathan, fan, appreciate your vulnerability. I wanna come back to Rob. Are you willing to get on the hot seat right now? We would love to talk to you right now. Every woman would so appreciate it. I just put the link right there, Rob. Every woman on here would be so grateful if you jump on right now and have a conversation with me. They can learn through this experience. Jane Spiffpire says, Jonathan, you're addictive. Oh, I appreciate that. Billy Holt says, Rob, let's do it. Jump on. I just posted the link right there. Okay, it's gonna take a minute. I'll give you a few minutes to log on. Sharon says yes. Rachel says yes. Rob, you can do it. Jump on with me right now. Let me know you're gonna jump on. We really want you to be on. Sharon says, thank you for your advice. It's very helpful. Oh my God. Come on, Rob, please join us. I hope he's still on. We're holding out for you. I'm putting that link again. Armitus says, oops, sorry, wrong one. Do it, Rob. Armitus says, healthy, happy, juicy relationship. By the way, the reason why I say juicy relationship, juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship is because I love fruit, particularly watermelon. I love biting into watermelon and have the juices run down my face. And that's what I think of when I think of a relationship. It's so juicy and sweet that it rubs, you know, the juices fall down your face. So anyway, come on, Rob. Oh, maybe Rob is gone, folks. Oh, oh, he says, okay, he's gonna join us. Let me set up my mic. Okay, great. All right. I know why you like watermelon, exactly. By the way, okay, since Rob is gonna be on, as soon as he jumps on, folks, write questions for him. Let's get a conversation going, okay? Oh, this is gonna be fun. I love it when guys show up on the channel. We could go for a while here today. This is gonna be fun. Come on, Rob. Hurry up and set up your microphone. For those listening patiently, thank you. Thank you for hanging out this long. Power of cheese says, Rob, I understand you thinking that showing your vulnerability with them will help, but be careful, make them earn it because no one appreciates anything they didn't earn. Okay, I'm not a fan of earning, but I am a fan of, I think when someone has to earn it, there's an imbalance there. I'm just not a fan of the idea. Now, I recognize in the context that you really mean it, but I think you both should earn it with each other by basically both people making mutual effort. It isn't something you earn, it's something that you invite. Okay, I'm just going off on a tangent here. Come on, Rob, we're waiting for you. Billy Holt wants to know, Rob, what style of man game do you find most attractive? I don't know what a man game is, I'm kind of curious. Okay, Jerby says, fruit, there's nothing like perfectly ripe mango, juice dripping down the arm. Not a fan of, I like mangoes, but they're not my favorite, pineapple, watermelon. Okay, Rob is in the house. Can you tell us the backstory again? So she's my coworker and she came up to me about a month and a half ago and she initiated everything and we've been seeing each other since then and it's been pretty consistent. She spent the night a few times, we've had a lot of sex, just full disclosure. Earlier this week, she told me she was depressed. It was like on Tuesday night, I think. And so I drove over to her house to kind of hang out with her and help her feel better. And then she came over on Thursday, I have two jobs, she came in between my two jobs and then we had sex or whatever. And then yesterday I told her that I was taking a day off of work because my elbow was kind of sore and she said that, or she didn't respond to that text. I said, well, hey, I'm gonna be available later today when you get off work or tonight when I get off work, you can come over. And then she just didn't respond to that text. Okay, so is it okay if I ask you some questions? Yeah. Okay, and really quickly for everyone's watching just to give you a quick backstory, Rob posted in the chat box that he's been with someone for a month and a half and she just ghosted him yesterday and he wanted some perspective on all of this. Okay, so you both work together, is that correct? Yeah. Okay, and basically I'm gonna guess that there was sexual tension between the two of you. Is that a fair statement? Yeah, I would say so. Okay, and would you be fair to say that most the time the two of you've got together it's been sexual most of the time. Have you gone out on any physical dates? Have you gone out to dinner? Have you gone out to drinks? Have you done anything or has it been Netflix, chill and fuck? Yeah, I mean, it's basically been, like you said Netflix, chill and fuck. I mean, the first time we went out we did go out have a couple drinks but it was only for maybe an hour and then we just went back to my place and yeah, you're right. The way you describe it as mostly a sexual relationship I would say that that's fairly accurate. Though I mean she has, go ahead. Okay, so and by the way, I wanna give you your props. You are in the real hot seat here because we have mostly women watching this channel. So you might be judged, you might be criticized, you know, I want you to know that but I want you to own your sovereignty for a moment no matter how else anyone views you, okay? Okay. So let's just cut to the, cut real here for a moment. This was for lack of better word of friends with benefits relationship. I mean, with friends or hooking up maybe more so because I'm not even sure the two of you are really that good of friends. Is that true? I would, you're probably pretty accurate to describe it as a friends with benefits but I mean, she has confided in me in the past and you know, gotten really emotional with me and you know, told me just vulnerable things and stuff like that and you know, cried in front of me and stuff like that. So, you know, I would say we have had moments where we do connect on kind of a deeper level. But for the most part, it's been mainly sexual, I would say. Okay. By the way, folks, there is nothing wrong with this. Two consenting adults, you know, two consenting adults but had, did you guys really talk about what are you doing? I mean, okay, let me explain why. Yeah, yeah, we, you know, I actually, you know she went through a relationship with an ex that she described him as a narcissist and you know, she said he was abusive and stuff like this and in the context of us seeing each other she was still kind of going back and forth with him a little bit. And one day I mentioned that, you know, it's okay that you're going back and forth, you know I understand it's an emotionally difficult situation and we're more or less just friends with benefits. You know, this is more or less kind of a transactional relationship and she actually got really angry with me when I said that. You know, she, I'm making a note here. She told me she was going to block me and all this stuff. She got very, very, very upset, you know and I thought the relationship was over at that point because of how angry she was at me because I actually used an analogy to describe the relationship and she was very offended by the analogy. I described it as, you know, consuming food at a restaurant and I felt badly after I thought about it in retrospect but I was trying to make her feel better about her going back and forth, you know and telling her- Now let me be clear about something, Rob just so I have clarity. Was she having sex with you and she was also having sex with the ex? Well, it was kind of complicated because she told me- Well, no, no, that's a yes or no, by the way that's a yes or no answer. Well, she told me- She had sex with him while having sex with you. I think yes, but she would tell me that she didn't want to have sex with him and stuff like that, you know what I mean? And she was trying not to- So what you're saying is, it's possible that she was having sex but saying I didn't want to have sex with him but still did. Okay, so let's- She said she got off on denying him because of how he treated her. Okay. You know, she said- Well, that's a whole nother hornet's nest we can open up but let's now talk about you, my friend, okay? And you've got to be willing to handle some tough love here, friend. Yeah, I can handle it. Okay, so you went into this, you, from your perspective, this was a friends with benefits relationship. So let me ask you yes or no, do you want to be in a fully committed relationship with a woman in the future? A woman, any woman? Well, I mean, the woman you love, okay? Well, let's exclude her for a moment, okay? Do you want to be in a fully committed relationship with someone? Do you think, okay, do you think the best way to enter into a relationship is to start as friends with benefits or is it better to do something more clear about the intention and not just be about having sex? I think it's probably good to have a clear intention. Yeah. And now it sounds to me because by the way, I want to read to you what one of our, Billy Holt says, well, there you go, Rob, friends with benefits, that's why she ghosted you. So did she ghost you the minute you started to frame the relationship as friends with benefits? Was that the trigger that caused her to ghost you? No, that was actually kind of an interesting situation because like I said, she got really angry and she told me, we're done, you ruined the relationship. She told me all this stuff, I'm blocking you. Okay. I could go on and on and on. She was very, very upset. And I tried to console her. I was like, well, look, I didn't mean it like that, blah, blah, blah. I was trying to console her. And I assume the relationship was over at that point because of how angry she was. And then she texted me two days later and told me that I was giving up too easily. And I was like, I was like, what do you mean? I was like, you... Wait, wait, wait, let's hold off for a second. I want to giving up too easily. Let's give up. Yeah, she's like, wow, you give up too easily. No, no, no, no, I want to go back to the other thing. So can you understand why a woman might get upset if she thinks it's only just sex? Yeah. Okay. So in all fairness... And I also told her like, look, based on the way that I reacted to this situation with you getting all upset with me and me trying to console you, obviously I have more respect for you than just wanting to have sex with you, period. You know what I mean? So I do care about her as a person. And then earlier in this week, she told me she was depressed and I went over there and I hung out with her. I didn't even really want to go. I kind of just wanted to go to bed, but I said, you know what? I'm going to make a sacrifice and I'm going to go be with her because she needs somebody right now. So I do care about her. So she gets offended and then she comes back and said, you gave up too easily. Yeah. I'm going to speak now from, how old are you if you don't mind me asking? 36. 36, okay. Can you just for the moment imagine that I'm your big uncle, okay? Yeah. Yeah, I'm your father's brother, you know? And, or your mom's brother. And I'm going to be your uncle here for a moment, okay? And I'm saying this with genuine care in that sense that like, look nephew, if you want a fully committed relationship with someone, somebody that you can go and do social activities and hobbies and mutual interest and spend time with family and friends and travel together and have amazing emotional and sexual intimacy with a partner, then it's important to go in with the intention of, I want a fully committed relationship with somebody, okay? It's to have that mindset that you want to be in a fully committed relationship with someone first, okay? Number two, it means tempering my sexual urges as I build trust with this other person. And repeat that. Tempering my sexual urges while I build trust with this person. Now I suspect in this dynamic because the two of you work together, you had some level of friendship, okay? True? A little bit, I mean, like you said, there was sexual tension, but we weren't talking that much. You know, she told me, she told me she wanted to have sex with me the moment she saw me actually, but the- But your relationship, let me interrupt. Is your relationship was built on sex and it wasn't built on actually developing much more beyond Netflix, chill and fuck, okay? I mean, let's just be real. That's true. So her behavior is indicative. And by the way, she ghosted you 24 hours ago. That's not ghosting. Ghosting is disappearing for good, okay? She's not, you know, by the way, you're gonna see her at work anyway. What we really have to address is the conversation that you want to have with her the next time you interact with her. And that's what I wanna talk to you about. As my nephew, Rob, okay, I want you to stand in your power. I'll call it your masculine power, your male power and invite what do you want out of this relationship? That's my first question to you. What do you want out of this relationship? You know, I suppose I just enjoy the friends with benefits thing because to be honest with you, she's older than me, you know, she's 42 and she's divorced and she has four children, you know? And I'm single and I have no children and I've never been married. So from my point of view, it doesn't feel like I would even be, I don't know, I just doesn't seem like there's long-term potential because... Well, then, okay, so then, dude, dude, hear me out for a second. If there is not long-term potential, okay, look, I get it, if two consenting adults wanna have a friends with benefits relationship, then go about it. But you messaged me first and saying she ghosted me and I was afraid I did something wrong. So you went into most likely some level of shame, some level of embarrassment, some level of self-criticism. And because of that, we don't have enough time to address the emotional effects of what's going on with you. But now that I understand the picture greater is that you're engaged in a merely sexual relationship. And I can understand your rationale for saying, look, there are factors that probably don't make sense in being this relationship. And she's a consulting adult and we can both, but at the end of the day, our emotions are factors that can have deep consequences if we go in to merely a sexual relationship because there is emotional consequences that can happen for both of you. More so for a woman tend to be than a man because a man can ejaculate and not have the same attachment as when a woman is physically intimate. So what I'm inviting you to do is step into your sovereignty as a man and do the right thing and by ending the relationship because if this isn't a relationship that has the potential of going anywhere and I get it's easier to get, it's easier to get laid by someone than actually forming a relationship by making this stand, you are much closer to getting what you want. That's your uncle talking to you. That makes sense. So I guess a part of me was kind of getting attached to the situation, I suppose. But I don't know if that was just because I really enjoyed the sex or because I enjoyed the validation of being desired, I suppose. By the way, ladies who are watching this and guys who are watching, that was the most valid thing, or not valid, that was the most vulnerable thing you said. To be desired by another human being is incredibly, quite frankly, it's intoxicating. I mean, it's intoxicating to be desired by another human being. It's a human need that we all have of wanting to be desired by someone. So I appreciate your vulnerability right there. I'm also inviting you to step into, again, you're welcome to do what you want, okay? And I know you're working two jobs, so it's probably hard to go out there and physically date and go through all the bullshit of dating that we all have to deal with. And by the way, you're age demographic, I have a son who's 27. I don't envy the dating marketplace for your generation. I know you're a millennial, but- Yeah, it's bad. It's crazy out there for both men and women alike. It's a clusterfuck out there. By the way, just out of curiosity, why do you watch my, is this the first time watching my channel or are you a regular? It's the first time, it just randomly popped up in one of my, on the sidebar. So I just clicked it because it was live. And I figured, well, since it's live, I could probably get a little bit of support in the chat. So that's why- Okay, okay. Well, you got some sympathy, but I'm gonna be candid with you now that women have heard the story of this, they're not as sympathetic towards you, okay? You did do a little bait and switch, okay? But at the same time, you're a real human being who is experiencing a real circumstance. So let's talk about how you felt, the pain you felt experiencing the ghost right now. Talk to me about that emotional feeling. It honestly just hurts, you know, it feels like what you were saying earlier about being abandoned by your mom and stuff like that and then triggering the anxiety and stuff like that. I can relate to that a lot, you know, because my mom was like that, you know, she, my mom had a lot of problems and she wasn't really able to be emotionally available even for herself, but let alone for other people. You know, so I think that just triggered a deep wound, like kind of what you were describing, but you know, it's also triggers me in another way because this has been a consistent experience with me for the last several months. You know, I was kind of a loner for a long time. I didn't have friends or social life or anything, but then last year, women started approaching me at work, you know, and there was actually four, this is actually the fourth woman who came up to me and gave me her number. There's three other women before that, weirdly enough. So, but all three, all three time, or the three other women before her, I had kind of a similar experience with, we weren't having sex, Sierra was the first one I had sex with, but the other three women, it was kind of a similar experience of feeling emotionally abandoned, not feeling safe, I guess you would say, and then triggering these feelings of not feeling good enough, you know, like I feel like am I not playing the game correctly? Am I making strategic errors with these women that's causing me to not experience the results that I would like to experience, you know? So, it just triggers this thing inside of me that's like you're not good enough because if you were better or different, you would be treated better, you know? And like, I wanna jump in, Rob. So, first off, again, thank you for the vulnerability, thank you for expressing how you're feeling. I really wanna applaud you. And particularly the fact that this was something that happened from your childhood and how this is, you know, transitioned into your adult life. So, I'm gonna give you some advice right now. First off, just out of curiosity, do you watch any of the Red Pill videos out there or the Manasphere videos out there and the whole sexual market value videos and all that stuff? Okay, so I wanna- I go even further than that. I go all the way to the Black Pill. I don't know if you're aware of that. Okay, well, I don't have enough time to get into that right now because I wanna transition into a real learning lesson for you. Of almost all of that advice, which is geared towards men and it's trying to shame women at the same time is incredibly toxic, okay? Because what you're describing, by the way, they are, and they do work in a temporary capacity, okay? A lot of this advice works in a temporary capacity. Now, some of their advice that's critically important, clean up your act, clean up your act professionally, physically and emotionally. That is good advice to clean up your act professionally, physically and emotionally. But we're gonna address the emotional because that's the most critical component here and they don't do that in their advice. I want you to pick up a copy of this book called The Hoffman Process, okay? I want you to make a commitment to me right now that as soon as you get off the phone with, or this call with me, you're gonna buy this on Amazon, The Hoffman Process, okay? Now, this is deep shit. It's a workbook and you're gonna work on some deep shit that relates to your childhood. This is gonna be herculean work for you. It's probably, it'll be easier to give up than actually do the work. It's easier to give up. But I'm telling you as your big uncle here, The Hoffman Process, okay, on Amazon, you will get to the center of what your wounds and traumas, how it affects you as an adult, okay? It'll be mind-blowing and mind-boggling. It's not gonna be how to get a girl this way or some black pill narrative or, you know, manosphere narrative out there. This is going to be how to heal here, okay? Which will give you the confidence. By the way, you're already getting women attracted to you. You don't have any problems getting women. They're all coming to you. But they're coming to you from those wounded women are attracted to your woundedness. And you get what's known as dramatic relationships. You will end up in dramatic relationships. And I mean, what I mean is relationships filled with a tremendous amount of drama, okay? And you don't want that, okay? So I want you to do some healing. And with respects to this woman who has ghosted you, I want you to really sit and really think about how do you want to treat this person going forward? Do you want to continue with friends with benefits then be honest, okay? You're welcome to do that. I'm inviting you to step into your power and say, I don't want a friends with benefits relationship. I want a fully committed relationship where we do shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills in our both, in our life, physical and emotional intimacy that actually leads to something profound. That's the stand I invite you to make. And if you didn't memorize what I just said, go back, rewind this video at this very same mark and listen to it again. That's my invitation for you because this pattern, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. Is this helping by the way, Rob, are you taking this in? Yeah, it is helping. And describing the relationships that I've been experiencing as dramatic and chaotic, I think that's accurate. There was a woman that I was really, I liked her a lot last year. And it just, it didn't work out, but the communication was very poor. She was kind of harsh towards me at times. She didn't have sympathy towards me. When I tried to share something I was proud of, she would cut me off and tell me she wouldn't have sympathy for me. So I don't think it was a safe or healthy dynamic. I think you're right in what you're saying. Okay, so Rob, I'm gonna give you one last bit of advice. This is gonna sting a little bit, okay? Okay, but I want you to know that it's coming from a place of love. Okay, so I want you to clean up your place because I can see what it looks like behind you. Now, I recognize you went online not expecting to, but here's why I want you to clean up your place, okay? For a couple of different reasons, okay? First and foremost, when you walk into a room that's always clean, you will always feel better about yourself. I'm inviting you today to have an immaculate clean home, okay? No clothes hanging from the chair, none of your shit out. Okay, shit on the floor. I want you to clean your place, okay? Okay. Because cleaning your place is a metaphor for cleaning up the clutter inside of you, okay? And I say this with sincere love. I invite, and by the way, always keep your place clean, you know? I know you were caught off guard, so this is kind of a little bit, might feel like shaming, but I'm, listen, I'm in the same boat. There are times I just let shit go and that might have been the case, but I'm inviting you to do that going forward because what I'm really asking you to do is clean up all the facets of your life from beginning to where you are today because there is a, you still have 45 to 50 years and a minimum left in front of you. And there's nothing more amazing than having a great partner in your life to grow old with, to grow with, excuse me. And it starts by growing individually. So clean up your room, as Jordan Peterson would say, okay? You know who I'm talking about, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I know. I'm very familiar with that. Okay, he would say that because that's his first chapter in his book, I believe, or is one of the chapters in his book. And clean up your emotional life, be honest with her and yourself. And maybe through this work, you're going to find the relationship you seek. That's my hope for you. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Yeah. Okay, good. Hey, thank you for having the bravery to be on. The women were very appreciative of you. You got a lot of props through this conversation. So keeping you being in integrity with yourself and you might find the relationship you seek. Well, thanks for being on. Thank you for letting me come on and I appreciate you talking to me. Oh, you're very welcome. Keep watching. Thank you, Bob. All right, Rob, you take care. Bye now. Wow, what an amazing conversation. I had not expected that to happen. I think it took a lot of bravery for him to come on. I think I gave him a little bit of crap for his room, but it's just a metaphor. I hope everyone appreciates that. But most importantly, I want to give you an example of a man who is very genuine at recognizing that he certainly has a wound from his childhood that needs to be addressed. And I think hopefully the book will give him some of that. Again, all the books I recommend are listed below. I think also I invited him to be an integrity with her, be an integrity with himself, but more importantly, be an integrity with her. And be an integrity with anybody going forward because, and it sounds like he is, they're honest with each other. And in, by the way, I'm not surprised she goes to them because friends with benefits are not relationships based on commitment. They're based on sex. And relationships based on sex rarely ever go the distance. So get into the core of what caused you to choose this kind of relationship, to choose the fear and rewire it. And that's my invitation for him. Well, thanks again, Rob, for being on. We give you a thumbs up. All right, folks, you know what? I think this will be a great place to wrap up this video today. It has been a true honor to have you on if you've found, if there's anything you'd like to share, post a comment below. I'd like to hear all your thoughts. I do my best to read all the comments. Listen, if you're watching the replay, give that super thanks if you got value out of this, if you got that far. By the way, check out all the links to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. To follow me on Instagram to join me in my group called Midlife Love Mastery. The books I recommend, my dating vows are all listed below, okay? And please, if you found out in this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell as well. And I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrack of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or a pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love on our lives. I wanna thank Rob for being on live. I wanna thank the Jonathan fan for being on live. I wanna thank Sharon and Matilda and Catherine and Artie and Irina and Gloria and Rachel and Lighthouse and Beach Lover and everybody who donated today and Catherine and Rhonda or Kathy and Betty and Jane Spitfire and Billy Holt was in the house in power of Chee and Julia Ford and Jennifer, Elia, thanks everyone. Big hugs to you all. Have a wonderful fat weekend. Take care, bye now.