 Remember a Hallmark card when you carry enough to send the very best. Hallmark will bring you Hollywood's greatest stars in outstanding stories chosen by one of the world's best known authors. They distinguish novelists, Mr. James Hilton. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is James Hilton. Tonight on our Hallmark Playhouse, we present a dramatization which, in its happy way, signalizes the approach of summer. For the baseball season has already opened and a good story about baseball can be as enjoyable as the game itself. Fortunately, we have such a story and one written by an American of genius who not only writes but draws. He is James Thurber, well known in the pages of national magazines and deservedly admired by all who can see the funny side of things. Mr. Thurber's humor is so unlike anyone else's that one just has to use a special adjective to describe it. So let's call it Thurberish. I think you'll agree that our story tonight is thoroughly Thurberish. Indeed, it has a Thurberish title. You could look it up. And it's appropriate too that we should have as our star that very fine actor, William Frawley. And now, Frank Goss, have you a word about Hallmark? Hallmark is the name to remember when you want to remember your friends. For birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, holidays, there is a quality about Hallmark cards that whispers good taste. And you'll send them with pride for that identifying Hallmark on the back adds meaning. It says, you cared enough to send the very best. Hallmark Playhouse presenting James Thurber's You Could Look It Up, starring William Frawley. And is now Grandpa Doc? Why, Jamie boy, when your grandpa Doc was trainer for a big league team, baseball was baseball. Things really happened in ball games then. Like the time Pearl DeMondville. Pearl DeMondville? A girl on a baseball team? Pearl was a midget. A midget? On a ball team? You heard me. A midget. Gee, Grandpa, that must have been a long time ago. Now, don't go trying to pin me down to dates, Jamie, and I'll tell you how it happened. Is this a true story, Grandpa? True. Well, you could look it up in the record. Every blessed word. It was toward the tag end of September, the year after we was world's champs. And I was chief trainer and Squawks McGrew was manager. Squawks? Yeah, they called him Squawks because when things was going bad, he lost his voice and squealed like a little girl when you stepped on her doll or something. We was in a terrible slump. From leading the league by seven or eight games, we went flapping down to a half a game ahead of St. Louis. And Squawks McGrew was yelling at everybody. He wouldn't listen to nobody, and none of the players would listen to him. Well, what about the midget, Pearl? Well, now I'm coming to Pearl, don't rush me. We was on our way to St. Louis and stopped off in Columbus, Ohio to play an exhibition game. Columbus playing the world champs? That's right, and I couldn't stand watching them slaughter us. So I sneaked back to the hotel. I made the coffee shop okay, opened the door, got inside, and there was Squawks McGrew. So I sit down beside him, and there we are, like a couple of stiffs waiting for the coroner. Well, maybe this is the end, McGrew, the end of the losing streak. I'll never smile again, Doc. Never so long as I live. Like a horse laughing into a tin can. Come, sonny. Come, sonny, me, Junior. Hey, wait here. Get this kid out of here. I seen that ball game today, McGrew. You know, you ain't got no ball. Oh, and I'll leave Mr. McGrew alone. He don't need no harm. Bein' a kid. Don't call me kid, Junior. It'll be enough. Come on. He don't need no harm by that. He calls everyone, Junior, because it always turns out that he's a year older than them. Now, come on, come on. Wait a minute, wait a minute. How old are you, sonny? How old are you, Junior? Fifty-three. I'm fifty-four, Junior. A midget. Boy, I don't believe it. He got you, Junior. A midget with a cane, a straw hat and a cigar. Now I've seen everything. Make this flat for that waiter. Leave me go, McGrew. Leave him alone. Wait. I'll bring him a sassaparilla. With a drop of poison in it. You tell him, needle. You got the eye. Look here, you. Who are you? I'm the guy just seen ball dressed up in beans. I ask you who you are. What's your name? Are you gonna tell me your name or am I gonna... My name is that. Where are you from? I'm away to the station. Are they going, doc? By ambulance? Encourage him, McGrew. Cut it out. You're playing St. Louis Max, ain't you? Yeah, five games. Well, I see, McGrew. And I'm giving it to you free. Put your outfields freshest and let the beast... How about the fishes, Pearly? Hear that doc. He'd teach him cricket. I'm getting out of here, McGrew. Your brain's going. All right. I'm coming. Good. And Pearly's coming along with me. Oh, no. See what those fugitives from the old man's home look like? Out of the bandages and braces. Look, tell him that, Pearly. Don't forget. You can't do that to the boys. They're touchy already. Come on, Pearly. I'll lift you down. Oh, look, McGrew, don't do it. Pearly will start a mutiny. I know what I'm doing, doc. Oh, why didn't I take up embalming like my mother wanted me to? Sir, that's what's wrong with em, doc. You've been practicing embalming the players. Shut him up, McGrew, or I'm committing mayhem. Now, wait a minute. Pearl's the answer we've been looking for, doc. The team's in a slump over confidence. They've turned into a gang of primadonnas. They won't listen to anyone, not even to me, the manager. Little Pearl's going to get through their thick hides with his insults. You watch, Pearl. Imagine telling off the world's champs. Take five for taking Cincinnati, Indianapolis, and St. Leonard. You take Pearl over and meet the team. I'll check the tickets. You want to get me indicted for murder? Do what I tell you, doc. Come on, Junior. The boys... I got a strange feeling the boys ain't going to like you or your jokes. Like me? If one of them waterheads ever sat on a... Pearl, honey, don't say I didn't warn you. Little doc, we've got a crowd following us. Hello, boys. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. I had the idea of bringing a parade with you, doc. Who's your little friend, doc? A whitey-cott? This is... An old pant for McGrews. A buddy's. Yeah, yeah. A pal of McGrews. Pearl. McGrew wants you to treat Pearl nice like. A cot? Shake hands with Pearl. This is whitey-cott, one of the league's greatest catchers. Sorry. Okay, Pearl, shake. Don't try shaking hands with me, Junior. Because if you do, don't choke fingers of yours. Ray Cook, what is this? A gag? Gag, no. Cut it out, Klinger. Look, I've taken just about enough from you, Klinger. That's enough, Cot. You too, Klinger. If I was you, Cot, I'd retire. One more word out of you, Klinger, and I'm going to pin you. And you and who are the boys out here in the station? Brasslers. That's what I got for a ball club. And not good wrestlers at that. Now, now, the police. Stop them. McGrew, you're the manager. Why should I? Let them murder each other. Break it up. Come on, break it up. He started that midget stuff. I already told you, McGrew. You better apologize and send Pearl back to Columbus. Pearl's coming with us to St. Louis. Oh, no, no, no, you can't. You heard me. Pearl's coming to St. Louis. He's our new mascot. Ah, to me? I'm not masquerading for no bunch of feeble minor directs. They'll kill him, McGrew. They'll push him on a train window. Come on, Pearl. I'll lift you down. No. You're rushing for kidney. St. Louis and help me knock the overconfidence out of this ball club. Ah, he's never... Then we'll return to present the second act of You Could Look It Up, starring William Frawley. Tell you about how my wife and I just settled an argument. There's a new baby next door to us, and I said, here, I've never seen two prouder people than those young parents. Let's send a card congratulating them. But my wife said, the grandparents are always the proudest of all. They are the ones we should send the card. So what did we do? Sent cards to both the parents and the grandparents. And why don't you do that? Next time a new baby arrives in your circle of friends. You'll find a hallmark card that says just what you want to say, the way you want to say it, even for twins. Or if you are about to become a proud parent yourself, you'll find in the wonderful selection of hallmark baby cards just the card you want to announce the new arrival to your friends. Just the card you want for every other occasion associated with babies, too. Cards to send with gifts to new babies. Thank you, cards for baby gifts. Invitations to baby showers. You can see them all at the friendly store where you buy hallmark cards. And the hallmark you see on the back. That tells your friends you cared enough to send the very best. Now we present the second act of James Thurber's U-Cract. Of James Thurber's U-Cract. Of James Thurber's U-Cract. Of James Thurber's U-Cract. Of James Thurber's U-Cract. Of James Thurber's U-Cract. Starting William Crawley with Jerry Austin at Pearl DuMondville. Morrill is champion ball club in a terrible losing streak. Beaten by a bunch of bush leaguers and heading for a shellacan from St. Louis. With a cigar smoke and wise crack and midget named Pearl DuMondville in our hair. Grandpa, did Pearl get the overconfidence of the team? Not so you'd notice it. St. Louis knocked us off too straight like tin soldiers. The third game it's raining cats and dogs. And at the end of the seventh, when we was trailing nine to three, the games calling a kind of rain. McGrew and me was in the dugout trying to keep dry and think of some other way we could make eleven. And Pearl, he was sitting there grinning and puffing away at his big cigar. I wish I was manager of a lady's sewing circle. You are, Junior. You are. I can't take no more, McGrew. Pearl ain't doing us no good. The team's never been this bad before. A world series slipping out of our hands. World series? These bumps can't even play. Yeah, because all the cards are in St. Louis. How long, Jack? What do you think you're going? To the lawyers again. Again, I never even knew he'd been to the lawyers once to get us to show you how much you don't know. With the team, you better... With the team, you better do something. Come on, Pearly. See you tomorrow, Doc. What you got there, McGrew? A portable radio. McGrew, not in the dugout. The boys are touching them. They're broadcasting on its grace to the whole country. Pearly thought the boys would like to hear it. A beautiful day for a ball game, folks. The stands are packed to see St. Louis making four straight games and head for the World Series. Turn it all. That guy has got to speak before the game starts. He's seen his play yesterday. Something's got to say from here. Just a second. What's happening? What are they laughing about? The crowd's a team. McGrew, you didn't... The kids carried a toy. They took him off the field, McGrew. Why'd he kind of kill him? The first guy that lays a hand on Pearly threw his baseball. Wait a minute. What is this? He's lighting up a big cigar. No, I'm wrong. It's not a kid. It's a midget. McGrew, you did this. Yes, it is a midget. Why'd he count the catchers walking up to him now? Oh, yes, you'd have seen that. Cobb pulled the Stokey out of the midget's mouth and stamped on it. How the whole visiting team is converging on the little fella. He's running. They're after him. He's heading for the visitor's dugout. But I've lost him. He's disappeared behind the wall. Just a minute. I'll switch you to Jack Collins down on the field with the microphone. Take it, Collins. This is Jack Collins. The midget has gotten away from Cobb. Billy Clinger's climbing up after him. The rest of the team is going over after McGrew. Now here's McGrew coming up out of the dugout with his trainer, Doc. And here's the midget. He jumped down from the wall. He's hiding between McGrew's legs now. Why'd he cut his reaching for him? Hey, you guys, McGrew says, leave Perley alone. That's not uniform on the field. He's gracing the whole team. Let me take him to the shower. They're going to run in our uniform. Who put him up for this? That uniform made something to us, making a mockery out of the uniform. It might surprise you. Pack a fumbling idiot, so no Perl ain't making no mockery of no uniform. Hold him on. Bill has been made a regular member of this so-called ball club. Now get out there and warm up with your new teammates, Perl. All right, we'll warm up. I don't believe it. I fixed it up at the front office by long-distance telephone. Perl! I can just see our owner saying to you exactly what we need, Mr. McGrew, a cigar-smoking midget. I'm telling you, Doc, our owner's okayed it. Mr. McGrew, just exactly what did you tell the owners on the telephone? Dear owners, I said. I want to sign up a new player, that no living pitcher in the whole league can strike out. And did you tell the people who own this ball club what size man this new player, Perl DeMondville, is? Never mind about that. Legally, Perl DeMondville is a member of this ball club. But, McGrew, even if it's legal, the game is only yours. Now look, you tell those clowns to get out there and play like they never played before. Four, so help me. I'm replacing anyone that doesn't with a three-foot midget. McGrew, open your eyes. They're walking another man. I don't believe it. Perl! You done it, McGrew. They're playing ball at last. Puttin' Perl in uniform, turn to trick. We're still trailing, ain't we, one to nothing? Perl! Walk to him! Step on the slump-sober. Turn on that radio and let's see what that wise guys got to say for us now. Some things come over the visitors and they're playing baseball. It's the first of the night. Score, St. Louis won. Visitor, there's nothing. With the bases loaded and Whitey Cot, their strongest hitter coming up. Looks like this ball game is going to be tied up or perhaps won in the next couple of minutes. See, even he said the slump-sober. All Cot's got to do is let that pitcher walk him and we tie him up just the second. Cot, hold it. McGrew, where you going? Some things happen. Cot's not going to the plate. But through the manager he's out on the field. Just a second. Perl! Perl, come on, Bill. Get up to the plate. He'll put you in a padded cell, McGrew. We're going to win this ball game, Doc. There's not a pitcher in the world who can throw three strikes to a three-foot man before he pitches four balls. Perl. Perl, now, listen to me, baby. All you have to do is just stand there. You got that? He's got to walk you. They won't let you. Here comes the St. Louis manager. Muller with the umpire. Tell him, ump! Off the plate in 30 seconds or I'll forfeit the game with the St. Louis manager. I told you, McGrew. I told you. Take a look at this contract, umpire. A contract for a midget? You really was to the lawyers. No, no. What's this midget player been doing all season? Growing up. Here's the book, Muller. Read me in print where it says there ain't no allowing a midget to play. Go ahead. Read me. In the next year they'll change the rules. Now play ball. You're a genius, McGrew. Cot! And the visitors dug out. After a big argument the umpire has ruled Perl to Monville can pinch hit for Whitey Cot. And the 35-inch tall player is up at bat waiting to be walked to force in the run that'll tie up the score. The St. Louis pitcher, Frazee, six feet three inches tall is studying the situation. He's crouching low, measuring the batter. And he up now on his tiptoes. He's going to his catcher. There goes the catcher back and right in front of me. Just staying right there like a little statue. Don't move now. He's been in after the ball. I'll see if my line will stretch out there. Here comes the St. Louis right fielder moving under him for the catch. He's in slump. After that, Jamie, when the team saw what McGrew made a fool out of through the whole world they felt sorry for him and busted out of their swell heads and played like demons. We hit Chicago for five straight games and it's a lot of dynamite to win the pennant. And then the World Series. This was so shook up they never hit their stride again. Their best pitcher, Frazee, the one who got Perl to bite on that slow ball he kept shooting everything too low. Took to misjudging everything that came their way. Why didn't you say this happened, Grant? Just like I told you. You could lug it up. I'd like to remind you of a joyous gift for children, the newest kind of greeting cards. Hallmark Little Women Dolls. Famous stars of MGM's new movie, Little Women, posed for these Hallmark dolls and autographed them. Think what a thrill for a child to receive a doll of Margaret O'Brien as Beth. Elizabeth Taylor as Amy. Janet Lee as Meg. June Ellison as Joe. Characters they've loved in the book, on the screen, now their very own dolls to play with day after day. Each doll is eight inches high, stands up by itself, and there's a charming verse that tells all about her. Their costumes of beautiful colors are just like the movie, and they have real feather plumes in their hats. You can nail them as easily as greeting cards, and they cost only twenty-five cents each. Or for only one dollar, you can get all four Little Women Dolls in a permanent portfolio, a truly glamorous present. Tomorrow at the Friendly Store where you'll find Hallmark greeting cards, look for Hallmark Little Women Dolls. Here's James Hilton. Thank you, Mr. Frawley, for a thoroughly, feverish performance. We've been very happy, and I think very lucky to have you here. It's been a pleasure, Mr. Hilton. And thanks to Jerry Austin, who played Pearl DeMond. Yes, indeed, a grand performance. You know, I always enjoy myself when I get mixed up with baseball. Its traditions are as truly American as, well, as your Hallmark cards. I think that's one of the nicest compliments we've ever had paid us. Thanks again, Mr. Frawley. And I hope you'll listen to us next week when we present Sir Arthur Pinero's great love story, The Enchanted Cottage, starring one of Hollywood's newest and brightest stars, Richard Widmark. And following that, Kenyon Nicholson's fine story of American carnival life, The Barker, starring that distinguished actor, Charles Bickford. Our Hallmark playhouse is every Thursday. Our director-producer is D. Engelbach. Our music is composed and conducted by Lynn Murray. And our script tonight was adapted by George Corey. Until next Thursday then, this is James Hilton saying, Good night. Look for Hallmark cards that are sold only in stores that have been carefully selected to give you expert and friendly service. Remember, Hallmark cards when you carry it up to send the very best. This is Frank Goss saying, Good night to you all, and inviting you next Thursday and every Thursday to tune in one half hour earlier and listen to the adventures of KC, crime photographer followed by the Hallmark Playhouse. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System. This is KMBC, Kansas City, Missouri.