 the halls of ivy starring mr and mrs ronald colman this is ronald colman and i think i'm inviting you to join us again on the campus of ivy collie ivy collies that is in the town of ivy usa you know many a man takes his wife a box of candy or a bunch of flowers on occasion but the occasion is usually a birthday or anniversary it's a rare husband indeed who takes his wife a bunch of violets simply because it's spring and their flowers for sale on the street corners and he happens to be fond of her but that's how it is with dr william tot hunter hall president of ivy as he enters his own front door at number one faculty role vicky vicky where are you your chicken has come home to roast with your face down here you'd like a small hen peck thank you darling and if i may take this occasion to make cynics of the comic strip artists the wearier novelists and domestic relations clinics and i i would like to state that i william t hall being of sound mind even after many years of marriage to hear by depose and declare that i still love you very much implementing this declaration with this bunch of violets they do not quite match your eyes my dear but we must be patient with nature this is her busy season would you put all that in writing if i get you about twelve sheets of paper a lot about it and that's a lot of time to that when i was playing safe i thought they might be the shrinking time it's just a birthday i mean did you bring me about it to celebrate some occasion yes what did i forget who don't try to stop my love the only occasion i'm celebrating is our marriage but it isn't our wedding anniversary i know that but uh... it can't i celebrate it whenever i want to just because i view the massive well did you have a good day how did your conference mr wellman go darling one does not have conferences with mr wellman conferring with clarence's equivalent to discussing balanced diets with a hungry tiger you can't win uh... has anyone called a man named hollins be called wants to know when you are going to return his trombone don't worry about it you had the wrong number you're not holding the elbow of your great suit and should you re-weave it so i said please do oh toddy i'm afraid i don't take very good care of you moth holes in your suit it's shame for really my dear dear woman in the first place that suit is at least seven years old and should only be worn to riots dog fights and balloon ascension secondly i don't expect you to spend your waking hours secondly i don't expect you to spend your waking hours hiding in closets with the cap pistol frightening off the marauding lepidoptera thirdly you'll take excellent care of me then you don't think our marriage is a failure anxious dear anxious no i do not signed ampiatris now then i who else called oh uh professor gardener and dr otis but that is dr otis called for both of them she said they'd like to come and see you on a rather serious matter oh i thought about four o'clock could be safe it's almost four now i wonder what's troubling them yeah let's see now otis is anthropology and uh what is gardener paleontology oh yeah study of geologic periods based mostly on fossils and i wonder if they ever studied mr wellman mr wellman is a unique specimen a modern fossil he can take more time louisa i imagine that's professor gardener dr otis you know them of course don't you think they're very nice that two of my favorite ah good afternoon dr otis the professor gardener nice to see you i think you met my wife we apologize for breaking in on you like this dr hall no no no anyway my husband has a clause in his contract which says the president should be available at all times to the more interesting and attractive members of the faculty do i understand that something serious is troubling you yes dr hall we've got something on our conscience we'd like to unload and take whatever consequences we deserve well this sounds as though it needs more privacy than you have with me present so i'll go get my cap pistol and fighting some moth oh no no please don't go mrs hall the students value your help and advice so much i don't see why the faculty can't benefit from it too yes please say well thank you well now that we have a quorum which of you is the spokesman for the delegation um uh you tell him dear uh oh dear uh yes mrs hall and we're married oh yes we we've been married two weeks before that's a pleasure congratulations thank you thank you but but dr hall it's against the rules we have violated the regulations we're living in what you might call academic sin then we realize we're being unfair and unethical and it played on our minds and so we decided to come and tell you i appreciate that and while matrimony as such is approved by most civilized people in your case i'm afraid our esteemed board of governors will consider the serious breach of regulations will somebody please tell me what's going on here who's the board of governors that tell people they can't get married tell him to go boil a buffalo victoria my love you're right his indignation is quite natural and i share it but as with most regulations governing the operation of this college however idiotic they may seem at first glance the rule against intro faculty marriages has a realistic basis yes you see mrs hall it's not that they're against marriage but they oppose more than one member of a family being on the faculty at the same time so getting married and keeping it a secret for two weeks is a pretty serious infraction well well i think you came to the right place this is the sort of thing my husband loves to find solutions to he knows more answers than there are questions oh i'm sure you will understand my wife's belief in my omnipotence many a man has become a success merely by trying to live up to his reputation however hollow it might be well your reputation may not be for omnipotence doctor hall but it certainly isn't a hollow as emerson i think said an institution is the length and shadow of one man and you cast a pretty respectable shadow doctor oh although i realized that flattery will get us nowhere in this situation well we're in a bad spot and we we thought you ought to know and i look maybe i'm not very bright but why was such a silly rule is this ever passed it's a matter of economic status my love each faculty salary is adjusted with surgical precision to the rank of the individual thus it is impossible for an instructor to make more than an assistant professor or an assistant professor to make more than an associate professor or an associate professor more than a full professor and so on and president them follow me yes i i'm following you but i'm running like mad to keep up hypothetically um let us say that the two faculty members get married meet mr and mrs hypothesis as a result of this marriage the family unit represented by this couple might have an income superior to that of let us say the dean of men with a professionally inferior status and a financially superior one resentments arise protocolized bleeding and according to the board of governors ivy college tutors and crumbles into ruin maybe i'm being just hopeful dr hall but you sound as though you don't agree oh i i believe in laws and regulations but they are subject to reconsideration and i've made frequent attempts to remove the one under discussion mrs gardener tells me that it's one of mr wellman's favorite rules come on now you've been married over two weeks you can call her lucy thank you mrs hall you see if the room is enforced against us john can't very well stay at home while i go on teaching even though he loves cooking and can throw on a button as well as the next time well i don't think mr wellman would like that either i'm afraid you're right and if you stayed home dr rotis i'd be giving up years of work in my field and a book that needs finishing i don't want to find a job at another school because well it may be just a foolish whim i but i just don't want to be separated from john or from ivy oh and ivy doesn't want to be separated from either of you we'd like to try to keep it a secret for a while longer but i don't think we'd succeed in our present mood we just want to tell the whole world about it and when you're in that mood marriage like murder will out from all the symptoms i would say we're witnessing the onset of an acute form of successful marriage as old practitioners we have a duty to perform most emphatically then will you take on our case dr hall well we'd appreciate it very much having deceived you for a couple of weeks we don't come into court with very clean hands but we have great faith in the judge well i'll do my best to act off the record in the case of wellman versus cupid oh thank you very kind of you dr hall however i must warn you that never has that young miscreant with a bow and arrow had a more flint-hearted target but don't give up hope as shakespeare almost said this bird of love by wellman's ripening breath may prove a beauty's flower when next we meet the halls of ire we find dr hall and his wife victoria at breakfast the next morning another piece of toast party um i um marmalade on your eggs or just cream and sugar uh yes thank you thank you won't you try one of these boiled curriculums they matriculated in deep fat and served with chopped umbrella handles no thank you dear i um i don't i don't believe i chopped what they're all out of peanut brittle and i'm relatively fine oh i'm sorry vicki take me gently by the hand and lead me back to the conversational crossroads where we lost each other oh well it's all right darling it's nice to know you're here physically even if mentally you're having breakfast somewhere else i admit to being absent without leave but it wasn't for breakfast i was thinking of professor and mrs gardener and what is ivy's own Beatrice yeah fairfax going to do about them i have sent for mr wellman oh it's very saucy are you a mere president of a college tending for a chairman of the board of governors why is it it's like a used car dealer sending for general motors it's a well darling mr wellman is not too coin of phrase unsendable for after all he's only the chairman of the board of governors and by one definition a governor is a mechanical attachment for controlling speed uh thus mr wellman is a device for retarding the advancement of whatever he may be mechanically attached to uh therefore seems to be attached to the doorbell right now i received a message that you wish to see me i'm not in the habit of being summoned you know we'll all be summoned one of these days good morning will you have a cup of coffee no thank you good morning and i shall be ready mrs hall when i'm summoned i mean well that's a whole oh i hope i should be ready too that's indeed well anyway it must be something very urgent for you to send for me for uh that is otherwise why would you mr wellman i wanted to consult you on a rather delicate matter that's different quite to be of help after all i am a man of considerable experience and anytime i can i mean anything that requires delicate handling is something a week what have you gotten yourself in through now i am only indirectly involved mr wellman and perhaps you are also me involved nonsense it's just got it it was perfectly innocent i mean there's no basis for for scandal just because a man after all it was raining talking about oh it is mr wellman remember them certainly don't you think i know the members of our own faculty fine young people credit to ivy wish we had more like them well in a year or two you might get your wish thinking about it here that they're married mr wellman why yes of course i'd like to hear about such things nothing like marriage to bring people together i always tell them they seem to be very happy but uh you don't mr wellman of course i'm not happy well they they can't do this it's against the law the regulations of this college it it's distinctly stinking members of a faculty family cannot be gainfully employed but duck all lights will demand this marriage be annulled or something i think the or something is to be preferred to an element mr wellman our bylaws are well established but matrimony is a much older institution however mr and mrs gardener are valuable members of the faculty don't you think that in view of the circumstances the ruling of the board should be set aside impossible it's the policy of our cornerstone but i mean the cornerstone of the very foundations of our language formulated dr hall in order to accommodate a couple of newlyweds is simply no no no don't you understand what it means to these two people they should have thought of that before they know why why why to defy this ruling is flying in the teeth of providence and i know i'd be before you know it some faculty family might have a combined income of more than well maybe more than the member of the board for example considering the present state of teachers salaries mr wellman it's not likely to happen in the foreseeable future i assure you as president of this college i am frequently embarrassed when i check our salary list the head of a department makes less money per annum than a second-rate prize fighter or a minor league shortstop yes sometimes seems that earning is a matter of getting the l out of learning ruling that is basically these people were familiar with the law and if they chose to ignore it i'm afraid they must take the consequence of what what time is it hope oh my goodness i've got a meeting of the finance committee in 10 minutes and they're in a very very smooth dr hall very very well as chairman of the board mr wellman i'm sure you contain the bad yeah he can do better than that he can make the whole thing unbearable wait a minute what did you mean i can make things unbearable was that a disparaging remark oh no just animal spirits mr wellman oh yeah i see animal spirits bears think i've been in solid and i'll have to think it over and well well goodbye mr hall looks like you and cupid have lost the first decision do you take the case on appeal well i should at least prepare a new brief legal battles are a little out of my province darling but but i'll do my best as an attorney as dr johnson said that the woman's preaching it is like a dog walking on his hind legs it is not done well but you are surprised to find it done at all john and i were wondering how our case is going well having failed in the initial direct attack on our chairman i am preparing an enveloping movement it's an elaborate maneuver in which you slip around the side find the chink in the armor lower your visor raise the halberd and let the old boy have it in the neck smite him hip and thyroid is his particular chink dr hall well after years of experience i have found that it is located between his flashing sword of economy and his brassy breastplate of pride in ivy and there is a sharp speeding directly toward that point cut the realm awaits your presence from the living roaring cairns i didn't expect such quick results what's his mood i'm not sure but you better get ready to talk turkey i'll match him drumsticks for drumsticks hang around maybe i can pick up enough flying feathers for a new duster good afternoon mr wellman dr hall i've been waiting here for a good 15 minutes i mean a bad 15 minutes and i have no time for any explanation oh i shan't ask you for any mr wellman but perhaps you can explain this all the memo you sent me adding five thousand dollars to the estimate of the faculty payroll for the next year ah yes yes of course well since professor gardener and dr rotis are married they cannot both be on our faculty next year regulations you know your regulations i believe mr wellman certainly has worked it out very carefully word for word of course the gardeners would both prefer to stay at ivy mr wellman but they're reluctantly considering employment elsewhere so i've made some preliminary investigations for teachers to take their play now go go that's fine you will agree i'm sure that upholding the principle of your own regulation should be well worth the extra five thousand dollars it will cost for immediate replacement you mean to say there and stand that are you trying to tell me that we have to pay an extra five thousand dollars well if that's how it is that's how it is all right pay the extra five thousand after all the principle of the thing is what comes you're absolutely right mr wellman thank you but uh it's too bad ivy has to lose the prestige of publishing the two books professor gardener and dr rotis are preparing books what books why didn't somebody tell me about this why am i so ignorant of these matters and it would have been nice to publish them under the imprimatur of the of the ivy university press ah well ivy's louse is some other colleges gain and i don't suppose it matters too much who publishes the work as long as it's a contribution to learning it most certainly does i also understand that bradford college is anxious to add gardener and otis to the basketball and track trophies they took from us last year never i won't allow it to hear me i i leaving ivy why why why can you give me one good reason dr hall right mr wellman you know the rule on faculty marriages dr hall yes mr wellman i shall expect you to support me at the next meeting of the board when i move that we strike this regulation from the book mr wellman let's not be too hasty now you spend a great deal of time and thought in formulating the rules and to discard it without you consideration would be you consideration my grandmother ruling is ridiculous after all a man can change his mind can he you know the old saying a foolish consistency is there something or other a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds oh i wouldn't say that about mr wellman i think it would be better to say that circumstances alter cases thank you mrs hawker however if you think it wise to repeal the regulation mr wellman you may count on my support why is dr hall lose two books i'd be publications just because of a silly viola call people go that far as keeps rolling along seems we've just destroyed one of the foundations of this college you know mr wellman is now completely convinced that if you hadn't been so stubborn that rule would have been repealed long ago i know i am the hidden catalyst in the chemistry of flamence wellman well there's one nice thing about being a catalyst they always have money i said catalysts my darling not catalyst catalyst was a cowboy as you think so i'll start rounding up the gardeners and tell them the good news do tell him bring them here i want them to know that it wasn't stupid to did it after all but you yes vicky with my administrative bow and arrow i shot sparrow wellman well it just goes to show doesn't it but everything turns out for the best if you know the right people oh my darling that's a very cynical attitude although i must say that some of my favorite characters for cynics as uh as duke gerald of tuscan is said to martin of portugal the meek shall inherit the earth but only when the bold pass on it is the strong and the determined to administer this world's affairs mostly for gold and glory but should by mere accident a trifle of good accrue to their stewardship they become histories darlings and are hailed as lovers of mankind this production of the halls of ivy was broadcast with an actual audience present in the studio