 Leaver Brothers Company, makers of swan, the soap that gives you a wonderful new kind of suds presents Swan with my friend Irma Starring Mary Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane Friendship, friendship, just a perfect friendship When other friendships have been forgot Theirs will still be hot My friend I studied French, Spanish and Latin I always thought Latin was the most difficult thing to understand Then I met my friend Irma I don't get me wrong Because me, Jane Stacey, I love that girl It's only that she... Well, for instance, the other night I was reading the evening paper and I said Irma, honey, imagine a man 84 years old just became a father for the first time And Irma said 84 years? Gee, what a long honeymoon I'll take Latin every time Right now Irma's staring at the calendar Her watch has stopped so she's probably trying to figure out what time it is Irma, what's on your mind? Oh Jane, honey, I just checked the calendar And do you know today is one year since we started rooming together? A year already? Gee, I can't believe it Let's see Oh, of course, the first of December We'd both agree to share this room Mrs. O'Reilly said the rent would be $25 for the two of us And you asked her to please make it $30 Because you didn't know what half of $25 was Well, in those days I was much younger Didn't know as much as I do today Yeah, yeah, honey Yeah, you've come a long way Oh, thank you But Jane, we just can't ignore an anniversary We should have some kind of a celebration I know I'll buy you a present Oh, no, honey, it's not necessary I appreciate the thought, but you don't Hello Hello, Jane Oh, Richard Jane, would you mind doing me a favor? I'm away from the office And I'm going to need some petty cash for this evening So I've asked Peggy, you know, from the accounting department Yeah To drop $100 off at your apartment on our way home Is that all right? Oh, sure, sure, I'll be glad to keep it for you Oh, thank you very much I'll be by to pick up the $100 later Bye Bye, Richard Anything wrong, Jane? No, dear, it was Richard He's coming by later Let's see now, what were we talking about? Our anniversary Gee, Jane, remember the fun we had When we first moved in together? I'll never forget it, Irma We couldn't decide who would sleep in the bed by the window So you tossed a nickel It flew out of the window It was picked up by a fellow who was walking past He brought it up to find out how big a reward we'd give Yes, wasn't that a romantic way to meet my boyfriend, Al? Well, to me, it just goes to prove That if you don't hold on to your money You can get into all kinds of trouble Come in Hello, Jane Hiya, chicken Hello, Al, honey We were just talking about you Ain't got no time for no chit-chat Working on the hottest deal of my life Oh, Al, not another deal What happened to that wonderful process you had For removing the name from hotel towels? Didn't work Removed too much of the towel In fact, was left with nothing but the name But can't miss with my new deal What is it, Al? Have an invisible ink for printing the answers in school books Can only be read with special glasses But Al, won't the teachers find out? The glasses will only be made in junior sizes Wonderful Gee, Jane, does it any wonder Al's my everything? Don't worry, you won't always be that poor Please, Jane, don't insult Al on our anniversary Anniversary? Chicken, is there something about us I should know? Oh, not me and you, Al, it's Jane and I We've been rooming together one year today Well, let's call it for a celebration Why don't you girls make me a dinner? No, no, we want this day to be different You eat out But Jane, Al is right, we should celebrate I know, I'll bake a cake Irma, please, please, no Not that you're a bad cook But when most people bake a cake No one can jump up and down or the cake will fall When you bake a cake, we all have to jump up and down To get it loose from the stove Well, I have a new recipe And I'm going down to the grocers and get some flour I'd like to make an upside down cake But I don't know how to spell happy anniversary backwards Well, I'll just spell it the way you always do And you can't miss All right, Al I won't say goodbye because I'll be right back I'll just say off-wheater-sane That's German for Gussuthite Great kid, ain't she, Jane? Oh, I think so Of course, so many people wonder how I can keep living with a girl Who thinks President Hoover invented the vacuum cleaner And the DDT is a doctor of dentistry and tea And that sea biscuit was fish bait But then again, I've never in my life met anyone with a bigger heart With a greater warmth and an honesty of character than Irma has I agree with you, 100% Why do you think I want to make her my wife? That's because she's got a job Come in It's only me, Professor Kropotkin Hello, Janey, and Al Hello, Professor, come on in Thank you Hi, Professor Janey, I hope you don't mind my stopping by for a minute You see, the steam in my room is terrible Steam? I didn't know you had steam in your room Well, I haven't had it very long But Mrs. O'Reilly just came up for the rent And she found I couldn't pay her so she started blowing off And I refused to stay in the steam room Oh, Professor Now listen, Janey, in the steam room you get the massage And Mrs. O'Reilly rubs me the wrong way Where is my darling little Irma? Well, she went out to some flour That reminds me, if Irma's going to make a cake I'm going to go to the drugstore and get something to go with it Ice cream? No, bicarbonate I'll see you later Ah, that Jane's a great little kidder, huh? And by the way, Professor, the girls are celebrating the anniversary It was just a year ago today when they moved in here And what a ray of sunshine those girls have been When they first moved in, I was sick in bed And then Irma came up She rubbed my head, held my hand And sang little songs to me You know, to this day I can't enjoy music unless it's off key Oh, hello, Chicken, back already? Oh, Al, look what I found on the street A lady's handbag Chicken, anybody see you pick it up? Al, I don't like the way you said that I told you, I found it I wouldn't think of keeping it That would be dishonest Chicken, you're in the clear It's only dishonest when you find something before it's lost Oh, Al We must find out who lost it so we can return it A good idea Let's open up the handbag and find out who is beyond Okay, empty the stuff there on the table, Chicken All right, Al My, my, look at all the stuff a woman carries in her handbag You know, it's the first 5 and 10 cent store I've ever seen with leather walls This lady's handbag belongs to a man What? Well, his name is right here on the watch Ben Russ, probably short for Benjamin Russell No, Chicken, let's keep looking My, my, look what she's got here Hair nets, hair pins, hair dye, hair ribbons, hair shampoo Well, you know one thing, she can't be a bald-headed woman Now let's see, cigarette case, lipstick Uh-oh, this dame's a dangerous woman Why, Al? She's got a driver's license And here's her name, Mrs. R. L. McLean Gee, Al, look at all the money in this wallet Yeah, and here's her address, Artmore Towers, West End Avenue Classy neighborhood, probably wouldn't even miss the dough Al, I'm surprised at you, would you think of keeping this money? Only for a charitable purpose Chicken, did you ever hear of Robin Hood, the guy who took from the rich and gave to the poor? Yes You think Robin Hood was a bad guy? No You know anybody richer than Mrs. McLean? No You know anybody poorer than me? No What do I have to do? Learn how to shoot a bow and arrow? No, no, we must return it honestly as the best policy Uh, don't you agree, Professor? Well, I can only talk from experience Once I knew a poor street cleaner who found a wallet with $50,000 He took it home and for three nights he couldn't sleep His conscience was keeping him awake Finally, he couldn't stand it any longer So he took the wallet back to the rich man who gave him a reward And he went home and slept like a baby What'd he give him? Sleeping pills Is that the moral of the story? No, no Then he overslapped and lost his job You see, Irma? It doesn't make any difference, Al We must return the money Glad you came through, Chicken Was only testing your character Wouldn't touch the money myself However, if this Mrs. McLean is so rich I'm quite sure there'll be a reward involved So we have to handle it on a business-like basis We've got to make her think we're rich, too Then she'll be ashamed to offer us a small reward Sounds plausible What are you doing, Al? Well, her number's on the card, I'm calling her Oh, hello, Mrs. McLean, please Here, Chicken, you talk to her When I put on a high-class voice, they get wise too quick But, Al, I don't know what to say Well, say something ritzy You were out walking your Pomeranian Because your butler was in the bath You happened to glance in the gutter And there was her purse You got it? Got it Hello? Mrs. McLean? Well, my Pomeranian went for a walk Because I happened to glance in the gutter When my butler was taking a bath in your purse Hold it, Chicken Let me talk to her Mrs. McLean, did you lose your handbag? Oh, you did Well, will you please describe the reward? I mean the handbag Yeah, yeah Well, that's it Yeah, my fians found the handbag And we're prepared to surrender it Yeah, yeah, it's sitting right here Why don't you come down and bail it out? Oh, you're busy, but you'll send your secretary With the reward, good, good Yeah, we're at 8224 West 73rd Street Oh, it's only a block away, fine Yeah, we'll be waiting for your secretary Goodbye Wonder how big a reward a dame like that will come through it Chicken, when she comes, I'll handle it Hello? Irma, this is Jane Oh, hello, Jane, where are you? Well, I decided to pick up my cleaning, honey Listen, has anyone dropped by from Richard's office? No, why, anything I can do? No, no, I better come home and handle it myself Goodbye, honey Goodbye Gee, I forgot to tell her about the reward we're going to get You don't have to, she's got a rich boyfriend Oh, Al, you know, I feel so good That we're doing the right thing Yeah, Al, I want to be honest And I want you to be honest, too, then When we get married and have children, they'll be honest Fine thing to look forward to, a family of street cleaners Speaking of street cleaners I think I'll go up to that fifth floor gutter I live in Goodbye Pardon me, where does Jane Stacy live? Oh, my lady, is something wrong? Oh, no, no, not at all I'm from Mr. Rhineland's office I'm supposed to deliver an envelope here to him Oh, I see, the apartment is 3D Thank you Come in Hello, I'm... I know, you're the secretary with the money That's right I guess you know all about this envelope with $100 $100? It's not the amount, chicken, it's the thought behind it We'll take it, thank you, Miss Anne, here's the handbag Handbag? Well, nothing was said about a handbag Just take it, your employer knows all about it Well, if you say so, I'll take it back to the office with me Goodbye How do you like that? Can't trust help This Dame McLean sends her secretary Gives us the $100 And she don't even want to take the handbag back to her Oh, Al, $100 of my own Do you know what I'm going to do with this? What? I'm going to put it away for a little nest egg for us Ain't interested in birds Let's hatch it now, chicken And now Susie Swan sings to us Listen My advice says Susie You like this brand new kind of lather So be choosy Swan gives you beauty, lather, riches, cream Your skin stays soft as any dream And fresh as dew I swan, do you? Says Susie Yes, Susie Swan And what a bath you get with Swan's wonderful new kind of beauty lather Why, it makes every bath a real pleasure Sure, it's a pleasure the way Swan's new kind of beauty lather feels against your skin So soft, so gentle, soft as a cloud And it's a pleasure too the way white floating Swan cleanses your skin Gently, yet so thoroughly you step from the tub with your skin fairly glowing with cleanliness And you love the way Swan's new kind of beauty lather rinses away So completely your skin doesn't feel all over-soaked Instead it's left radiantly fresh And ladies, no other soap gives you this wonderful new kind of beauty lather Because no other soap has Swan's exclusive super-creamed blend So make your baths a real pleasure With Swan's wonderful new kind of beauty lather It's a funny thing, but when you're in a hurry to get home the distance always seems twice as long Maybe I'm being a little over-cautious, but I'd like to be home just so Richard's hundred dollars won't fall in the hands of Irma and Al by mistake Gee, a hundred dollars Wonder what Richard's gonna use it for Take me out Gee, as I walk along I get a warm glow just thinking about him What a wonderful guy It's too bad he has such a limited vocabulary Seems he just can't say Jane will you be mine But leave here is coming and so help me I'm gonna have a speech ready for January the first Think I'll rehearse it right now I'll say good evening honey And then I'll say sweetheart Will you marry me? Sorry lady I already got five kids try the other side of the street Excuse me I'm sorry Well after that I stopped talking out loud and hurried home I opened the door and called Irma Well they're gone Well I guess I'll just wait around until Richard's secretary arrives with a hundred dollars I think I'll deposit my hundred dollar reward Chicken I'm a little disappointed in you I didn't think you'd be so cruel Cruel? Yeah you know what they say your best friend is the dollar Is it right to take all those nice friends and lock them up like criminals? Yeah I never thought of it that way What do you think I ought to do with the money? Well chicken if you really want to look at it honestly that hundred dollars isn't yours to keep It's yours to enjoy Its purpose is to reward you to make you happy Now does going out with me and having a good time make you happy? Yes And you figured it all out by yourself Oh yes Ed you know what we think together we're a great team Yeah sort of a Spengali and Trilby Huh? What I mean chicken is I lead the way and you back me up You understand? Oh sure you're the engine and I'm the caboose Chew chew chicken Get out that hundred bucks and let's go Oh Jane Oh hello Richard you're a little early your hundred dollars hasn't arrived yet That's funny I called the office and they said Peggy left with the money over an hour ago Oh well it could have been delivered while I was out but I don't see it any place And I know that Irma wouldn't take anything that wasn't hers Well Jane maybe I'd better go back to the office and check up Richard why are you staring like that? What are you thinking? Oh nothing Don't lie Richard you're thinking exactly the same thing I'm thinking Where do Irma and Al fit into this thing? Oh now please Jane I'm not making any accusations it's just that well While I'm generally nervous when they're around but when they're not I get panicky Oh Richard do you think Irma would take money that doesn't belong to her and spend it? Oh of course not Right come in How do you do? I'm Mrs. McLean secretary Yes? I've come for the handbag I beg your pardon? The handbag my employer described it over the phone for you She did? Of course Now may I have it? This may come as a shock but I don't know what you're talking about My dear young lady I'm here to claim the pocketbook you found and give you the reward Now where is it? Richard would you please tell her that I... Oh you don't have to tell me anything I know what's happened You had a change of heart after looking at the contents of the bag you decided to keep it Well it won't work lady and that goes for your accomplice too I beg your pardon And I'm going to sit right here until I get that handbag There she sits One eye on me and one eye on Richard I don't know how to describe the expression on her face but she could very easily be Peter Laurie with a wig What this is all about is just beyond me and to top it off I'm beginning to feel guilty Richard is shifting from one foot to the other and looking at me as though I'm a criminal I'm trying to look back at him as if I'm not Oh Irma wherever you are won't you and I'll please come back we're trapped by sitting bold Please come in Oh hello Peggy Oh hello Mr. Ryan Lander I've been trying to get in touch with you Why? Well I don't mean to be impudent but does this handbag belong to you? I should say it doesn't that's the handbag my employer set me for So you didn't know anything about it huh? Now just a minute madam I Pardon me am I intruding? Oh Professor Kropotkin Oh a professor huh? You people have a better set up here than murder incorporated Please Professor can't you help us clarify this thing You see this woman accuses us of stealing somebody's handbag And Richard's hundred dollars are missing and I Professor I don't like the expression on your face I feel a little sick Janey wait until you hear what I have to say you'll have a relapse Here lady take your handbag Now you're being sensible goodbye Professor if you know anything please tell us that So Janey it's simple one Irma found the handbag Two somebody brought her a hundred dollars Three she thought it was a reward Four she's outspending it without Mr. Ryan Lander I'm awfully sorry That wasn't your fault Peggy you go on back to the office I'll see you later Alright goodbye Really how could Irma make such a mistake Janey please don't be so shocked It's not such an impossible mistake Considering the fact that Irma has always believed The flat iron building is a place to take a laundry Yeah but Professor it's Richard's money No that's alright Jane it's just one of those things No no Richard the money was delivered here and it's my responsibility And besides when Irma finds out what she's done it'll just break her heart Richard we just gotta stop them before they spend it all Well where do we look for them Simple where would any normal person go I don't know Well all we got to do is to find out where any normal person will go And we'll go in the opposite direction Let me think a minute let's see there's the opera The art museum Carnegie Hall And of course Coney Island Come on let's go Run I just love them Mary go round Let's go round again Alright chicken the night is still young Sure we haven't even started to spend my hundred dollars yet Well Richard Coney Island is an awful big place Where do we start Your guess is as good as mine Yeah well let's ask that man by the scales Pardon me mister Oh sorry we don't guess ladies' weights anymore Them long skirts is throwing us Well I don't want my weight guess I want to know if you've seen a blonde girl With a fellow with shifty eyes Yeah come to think of it I saw him get on a merry-go-round You did? Yeah I remember because most people look dizzy when they get off She looked that way when she got on Yeah well that's Irma alright come on Richard we're on the trail Richard I think we've picked up their trail I'll give you two to one that Irma just left the archery range How do you know Four people just walk by with arrows sticking in them Come on let's ask the man here right here at the refreshment stand Alright Pardon me sir But did a blonde girl and a fellow in a gray suit Stop here for refreshments Refreshments 10 bottles of root beer Six missionaries Three seven up Five hot dogs Three hamburgers And two taffy apples All that Yep Now let's see what did the girl have I never mind that's them Come on Richard Oh no Oh look there they are going into the crazy house Let's hurry These tricky mirrors are a scream Look how skinny I look And you look so fat and sloppy I beg your pardon Oh I'm sorry lady I thought it was looking glass Come on chicken let's try the echo chamber Oh it's so dark in here Watch this This is out Gee let me try it Gee I broke it Chicken I think your echo is being followed Irma Oh Irma thank goodness I found you Oh hello Jane happy anniversary Never mind that never mind that Before I explain everything Will you answer me one question How much money do you have left of that hundred dollars A hundred and two A hundred and two How come Well Al's got such a talent for counting out change Another evening I noticed Irma doing something very strange Even for Irma And I said uh pardon me for asking But why have you put a compass on top of those cakes of swan soap And Irma said Well winter is here Jane And you know how birds like to fly south And I don't want our swans to get lost Well Jane No matter what Irma says She wouldn't be without white floating swan soap for her baths And there's plenty of reason why a lot of women feel the same way Now you see swan gives you a brand new kind of beauty lather Yes a new kind of beauty lather that's soft and rich That you smooth onto your skin like whipped cream A new kind of lather that whisks away dirt Leaves your skin glowingly fresh and clean And swan's wonderful new kind of beauty lather Means a wonderful new after a bath feeling too Yes your skin is left soft and smooth Not all tight and over soaked Because swan rinses away so completely So how about trying swan's new kind of beauty lather yourself You'll like it for your baths Nothing turned out better than I expected Richard has his hundred dollars back And me I'm in bed And although the mattress isn't moving I'm still spinning from that trip to Coney Island Oh Jane you know after Al and I left the merry go round I went to the fortune tellers Oh you had your mind read Yes and then the man gave me my money back I don't know why Well Irma doesn't know why And Al doesn't know why But you and I know why don't we But we won't tell my friend Irma My friend Irma presented by swan Another fine product of Lever Brothers Company Was produced and directed by Sy Howard Tonight's script was written by Sy Howard and Park Levy Folks next Monday evening Tune in an hour earlier over most of these same stations For the Lux Radio Theater And then stay tuned to listen to Swan with my friend Irma Starring Mary Wilson as Irma And Kathy Lewis as Jane Hans Conreed was Professor Profotkin Mary Wilson can soon be seen In the Eagle Lion release Linda Be Good Ladies listen The shortage of fats and oils is still very serious And it's worldwide So please keep on saving Every single drop of used kitchen fat Your butcher will pay you for every pound Frank Bingman speaking It's news to sing about Sprye with cake improver Gives lighter, finer, richer tasting cakes Than any other type shortening For no other type shortening Has Sprye's marvelous cake improver So for lighter, more delicious cakes That stay fresh longer, try Sprye! Tune in again to my friend Irma Next Monday evening at this same time This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System