 Well, hello and welcome to understand men now. I'm Jonathan Astley of Jonathan Astley comm and I'm so excited to be doing this live Stream for you today our topic the five things that wildly turn a quality guy on Five things that wildly turn a quality guy on and number three is very critical. So pay attention to number three All right really quickly if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button Hit the bell so you can be notified of new content and if any time during this Broadcast I say something that resonates with you. Do me a favor and please hit that like button not for my Purposes, but this actually gets shared more on the YouTube algorithm. Alright, so for those who know me I when I do my live streams, I do the content first and I open it up for Q&A So for those that are gonna ask a question simply write the word question and then post it in the comment Write the word question and post the question. I do try to scroll back up to look back But just know I'm gonna do content first. All right those I'm hoping that the Q&A is working if someone would write a comment. So I know that it's working. I'd really appreciate it All right, so let's talk about those five things that drive a guy wild so Really quickly though. I want to share something with you I was actually watching a TikTok video from someone that was using my content in other words they actually I mean they gave me credit for it But there was something I shared that they use that I want to draw attention to today And what I said in this one podcast I did that was subsequently used on this TikTok video was that women tend to bond with a man through physical connection women tend to bond to a man through physical connection and what that means is both physical touch and actual Sexual intercourse in fact what happens during sex or intimate connection is a hormone known as Oxytocin is released in the body and this is a bonding chemical that bonds you to another human being So I really quickly if the audio is working well Please let me know since I'm trying a new live stream format So just let me know that the audio is working well and everything is working well just every please let me know that Okay, so let's go back to bonding so women bond through physical touch physical connection and the release of oxytocin Now interesting enough men don't bond through sex men have been bred that we can spread our seed Amongst many people and not feel attached when we're actually in the process of intercourse now I'm not suggesting we don't get attached, but we don't get as attached to the same degree as women do So that's why I want to talk about how men get attached to women And one of the primary ways we attach to a woman is through Experiences it's through experience. It's through social activities. It's through hobbies. It's through mutual interest It is through the doing of things together that we actually bond with a woman For the most part now, this isn't by the way everything I say there's exception to the rule and these are just Generalizations, but for the most part, that's how most men bond it is through the doing things together This is why I want to share a perception or a Experience a lot of women are going through right now, especially because of COVID is you've spent hours upon hours upon hours Upon hours upon hours upon hours upon hours upon hours talking on the phone Talking on the phone talking to text FaceTiming a guy Now here's one of the things so for a woman. She actually can bond through all that communication But for a man, it's different Because we don't remember one phone call to the next let me repeat that we don't remember one phone call to the next So we could have ten weeks of phone calls every single day And that's equivalent of one phone call because nobody really remembers. Oh my god I had such a great phone call on March 13th at 4 p.m. With her. I mean like I had to mark it on my calendar. I Invite you to even look at yourself and ask yourself Do you remember every single phone call and the way you felt about that phone call? Probably not. I mean again, there's exceptions to the rule But I want you to think about this many of you are engaging in Relationships and connections with men where you're incessantly talking on the phone And I want you know, he's not really bonding with you through this way how we bond is Through experience. It is the doing of things together. This is why many of you that are doing long distance Relationships or see each other very infrequently just understand that a man isn't really bonding with you in this way So what does it take for a quality guy to bond? What turns on a quality guy versus a non-quality guy? So let's differentiate quality To me quality and by the way I don't even like the term quality if we use the term high value high quality all this stuff I just want to differentiate between people who are grown up Emotionally grown up and people who are not emotionally grown up. I'm repeat that people who are emotionally grown up versus people who are not emotionally grown up and Sadly and I was talking to a therapist over the weekend We both agree that the vast majority of the population Has very weak skills Emotional skills to actually be in an interpersonal relationship. Now what makes someone quality is emotional maturity coupled with Physical maturity in other words they can pay their bills on time. They have a good steady income They can support themselves. They don't have a lot of baggage in their past. These are the things that really Set someone up to be a good catch in relationship and sadly Men and women are like are suffering on the inside. In fact, the number one emotional health issue facing almost everyone is I'm not good enough I'm not lovable. I'm not likable By the way, I'm just gonna put on my glasses to see Okay, so it looks like the quality is good great glad. Thank you. So going back to Emotional maturity. This is where most couples struggle. So what I'm about to lean into today really stems on understanding emotional maturity and what by having these these qualities if you will having these Experiences when I'm about to share these five things not six five things I think it will help set the stage and by doing this you lead by example, okay And just recognizing if a guy can't meet you where you're at It's okay to move on to next one of my favorite four-letter words is next right after one of my favorite other four-letter words is Don't let that shit Let that shit go. Have you seen my coffee mug? Let that shit go. By the way, I know it's happy hour But I'm drinking coffee today I'm actually getting together with Conner's friends later this evening for those who know me. That's my son Connor. He's the one who passed away I'm actually getting together with his oldest dearest friends One of his friends was so generous and he has a tattoo of Connor on his arm I mean, I just I need to connect with these kids. So I'm very grateful that I'm meeting up with them tonight Okay, so let's get into these six things. So the first thing is is Your actions match your values your actions match your values now why I said values instead of your words because Our words should be a reflection of our values What are our core values and when I think of values? I think of our standards and our boundaries our standards and our boundaries specifically in the area of romantic Relationships and so when a woman's standards when she's expressing her standards and she lives by her standards That's highly attractive to a quality guy It's highly attractive to a quality guy now a lot of you women might probably be thinking to yourself Well, a lot of guys don't appreciate a woman with standard or boundaries Yes, men who are deeply wounded human beings who are deeply wounded who are trapped in their egoic self Struggle even connecting with another human being beyond that physical touch beyond that physical Connectiveness this is where the disconnect is if you think about it ladies We men can give our bodies freely, but it takes us a lot more to give our emotional side to someone But so it's what's so fascinating think about this the minute you've given your body to a guy You've bonded to him, but he may not have bonded to you yet. So why is this so important for you to know? It's because ladies. There's an old expression Men are the gas women men are the gas and women are the brakes Okay, I'll do gas like this and women are the brakes What that means is you're actually supposed to set the pace of the relationship In fact women are the emotional leaders of the relationship not men Men are terrible emotional leaders of the relationship by the way Why is the number one search term for women? Why are men commitment phobic? Why do men ghost? Why do men disappear? Why are men emotionally unavailable if men are supposed to be the leaders of the relationship? And yet the number one search term is all centered around why they can't be in a relationship There's a correlation to this is because ladies you are the leaders of the relationship Take a look at my mom and dad married 66 years If you asked one or my both of my siblings who was in charge of the relationship They would both tell you my mom. She was in charge of the relationship Not my father now. I'm saying that a little tongue-in-cheek They had a nice mutual exchange and balance going on between them But for the most part my mother was more of the emotional leader of the relationship So knowing your standards knowing your boundaries is so hugely important And then your actions matching your values those standards their boundaries is this sinking in is this resonating with you Please let me know by hitting that like button All right number two and by the way if you follow my work you might hear a repetitiveness because this is such critically important stuff that it needs to be said over and over and over again and number two is You take personal responsibility for your choices. You have victor consciousness and not victim consciousness. Okay, I Got to tell you ladies as a man out in the dating realm. I'm a man out in the dating realm I can tell you that a Significant number of women are residing in victim consciousness in other words They don't take ownership for the endings in their relationship and they blame Men for their lot in life. I can tell you literally 50 60% of women who are single over 45 years old actively this is my perception by the way are actively in a state of bitterness jadedness and Victim consciousness around men Fact it's so funny because I asked women, you know, what type of personal development work Did they do in their life and one woman said I've done this and I've done this and I've done this I mean she rattled off all these different workshops So I thought great and I asked her about what happened in her last relationship And she literally Everything was about throwing him under the bus and she always kept saying but I've done this to heal But she really didn't because you could tell through her tonality and her language that she was blaming him for everything She was blaming him for everything so ladies I want you to understand that Victor consciousness is saying hey look the relationship ended I take ownership for my part that I didn't do well He really just didn't you know follow up with this or he didn't do that or blah blah blah But not making it accusatory the minute you complain that they're a cheater that they're a liar that there are Narcissists that they're this and you're so focused on that you are still stuck And by the way men do this as well They throw their ex spouse under the bus all the time they take little or no ownership So everything I'm sharing here is a two-lane street is for both men and women alike Okay number three and this is critical This is knowing how what I call fighting fair fighting fair Listen one of the biggest complaints of the from men And this is true of women as well one of the biggest complaints is Relationships is when there is friction each person wants to be right and because they want to be right. There's friction a Really healthy emotional person something that turns on a quality guy is a woman who can listen to I'm gonna use me as the example Right now listen to my point of view Except my point of view of being true for me I'll listen to her point of view except her point of view as being right for her And then the idea is to come to some sort of relative agreement between what the disagreement is I'm not a big fan of let's agree to disagree because it's it's still stuck in our it's Still being wanting to be stuck in your right. I'm here. Look you have a choice Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy and I'm here to encourage people to be more happy? Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please. Let me know by hitting that like button Alright and number four This has to do with empathy now ladies Most women have a deep well of empathy and empathy isn't just you can feel my feelings Empathy is you care about my feelings now here's where a lot of women get stuck They're they're in contrast with their own feelings and The guy's feeling so some women become very entitled with their feelings. They don't care about the man's feelings Some women act like doormats and all they do is care about a man's feelings What's highly attractive is when two people two people get together and they actually Genuinely care about each other's feelings. They actually want to know how each other is feeling This this is actually the makings of a beautiful deep juicy delicious Relationship and I should add healthy relationship. Here's the thing a lot of people are out in relationship right now Many of your friends are in relationship, but they're an unhappy miserable relationship So just because someone's in a relationship doesn't make it a good relationship and what I'm outlying here What's very attractive to quality guys and women is showing up this way showing up your actions matching your values Having victor consciousness learning how to fight fair learning empathy But from the perspective of not just my own feelings, but for someone else's feelings and where as well and the fifth is Transparency now what I mean by transparency if it's material to the relationship you open your mouth Let me repeat that if it's material to the relationship you open your mouth So those who know me know that I'm a dating a relationship coach for women Nearly one third of my two-thirds of my practice is women single and looking for love and they need help learning how to vet for Emotionally maleable man. That's one of my strongest areas of expertise as well as helping you get really crystal clear on how to identify That right guy for you. Okay the other third of my business is women who are in relationship And there's some friction going on they want some help learning how to talk to the guy But what so fascinates me as ladies so many of you are just afraid to speak your truth to a guy because you're afraid He's gonna disappear Those who know me know I wrote a book what the heck is self-love anyway What the heck is self-love anyway why I'm talking about this book is the chapter one it says speak your truth Do it with kindness and later on the book it says if it's sincere and from the heart You cannot say the wrong thing to the right person ladies It's time to be transparent with your feelings by the way if you need a link check out the link below to Jonathan recommends books or my book self-love the book comm because Most of you are actually not Transparent you're bottling up your feelings and what's happening is a lot of stuff gets swept under the rug and when it gets Swept under the rug and too much then it blows up in a lot of friction and what do you guys do? They don't want to deal with conflict It is better to address issues early than stacking it up or shoving it under the rug if you will So ladies I want to encourage you to begin to open your mouths and speak up be transparent in the relationship And if you need help with communication skills then buy this book what the heck excuse me What the heck is self-love anyway nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg It should have been called Compassionate communication, but what this does is it helps you to communicate better with your guy All of the books I recommend is in Jonathan recommend books if you want to schedule a discovery call with me There's a free there's a link to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with the coaches right for you So why is this all this is so critically important? Why does this turn on a guy? Because let's face it. It's not about Here's the thing. I Was listening to another dating coaches YouTube channel and they make a claim that within one year or less they can guarantee you a husband this woman This female coach guarantees you a husband in one year because they say that people who are married live longer Now Is that really true are people who are married live longer or is it? Happily married people live longer or is it happy people live longer? I'm here to say it's not about being made it It's about being happy and the most important relationship you have is with yourself With yourself with yourself. This is why I wrote my book. What the heck is self-love anyway? This is why everything I've just outlined right now for you is all centered around Improving from the inside out because whether you get into a relationship with someone else or not The most important relationship you have is with yourself. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please. Let me know Alright, I think it's time for Q&A write the word question and then post the question and let's scroll up I want to say hi to bridge to leaf to hazel to Stephanie The key point of that is to the right person correct Stephanie Lillian leaf bridge. Okay Stacey, let's see if there's any questions here Kimberly writes I need this so bad just had 11 minute old relationship We had a small argument and he used verbal abuse and I broke it off. Well, that's I'm sorry to hear that Kimberly Melissa says including our shared values here. Let's see what she writes Including our shared hobbies of biking and other outdoor activities. Do you think he's not likely to bond with me? We've been dating about five months Well, I'm just gonna say we bond through Experiences so the more experiences we have with the person the more bonded we become it's natural to become bonded to someone We have experiences now from a romantic perspective. There's a lot more to this and I have to sneeze Excuse me So it's also our physical connection with another human being it's is are they friendly are they warm? Are they flirty? Are they touchy? Are they? Appreciative there's a lot more to it, but I'm gonna say what men remember most is the experiences I still to this day can remember a hike I went with the woman up at the Hollywood side I can remember the one time we went to this one restaurant We had this funny waiter that that amused us those are the things I remember and I associate with a person So we men tend to bond more with the experiences and women tend a bond immediately when there's intimacy or sex And then you're bonded So I'm just pointing out some of the differences between men. I hope that helped Melissa Okay, let's see who else All right, if you have a question post the word question and then write your question in the chat box so I Can answer you? Are you boyfriend and girlfriend yet? I don't know who is asking that I don't think that has to do with me Okay, Shannon writes question from Mount Shasta California never been married men 50 plus years old are generally so clueless about turning into females. It's hopeless Okay, I wonder if that's not really is it hopeless. Excuse me. Let me read this one more time Never been married men 50 plus years old are generally so clueless about turning into females It is hopeless. I don't really understand the question Shannon, but I will say look it I have a dear friend who was 45 got married and had his first children at age 47 I Know men who are in 50s that got married for the first time in their life in their mid 50s I know men in their 60s that got married for the first time in their life I know women who got married the first time in their life in their 40s 50s 60s or even 70s Okay, and by the way, let's think about this just because someone's been married before What makes them any better to be in relationship just because they were in a relationship once made a commitment By the way, they might be less likely to make a commitment in the future people who have been married before actually Reject commitment more so than people have never been married. What's most important is getting inside a person's heart That's what matters most. Are you guys really compatible with one another? Do you share the same values? Do you have blendable lifestyles? Are they emotionally mature and do you have chemistry? Let me repeat that and I'll say it very slowly First off, do you share the same values? Do you have lifestyles that can blend? Are you with an emotional grown-up and lastly? Do you have chemistry? That is the makings of relationship success That's the first layer of foundation needed for a relationship success where most people struggle They find people that don't share their same values They find people that don't have lifestyles that blendable lives with them. They have people that are emotionally immature stunted, okay, and that we've so been conditioned that chemistry equals Relationship success that is the furthest thing from the truth chemistry doesn't lead to relationship success It's just the icing on the cake But we are so fucking conditioned that we need chemistry for everything to work or it's you know That's how I know I'm in love with someone when we have all this great I feel so connected to them. We have so much great chemistry and we're so connected with one another But their actions don't match their words their lifestyles aren't blendable and they they are don't share your values Ladies stop making choices based on chemistry and start being more intentional about the process This is sinking in is it resonating? Please let me know post a comment or a question below. All right Let's go through this All right, bridge rights What type of baggage does a man have in his fifties if he's never been married or with kids? So I want to differentiate this. So what kind of bag? So here's the thing about baggage We have Childhood wounds and traumas and we have adult traumas. That's baggage our wounds and our traumas So in childhood it might been abandonment from one of your parents It might have been physical abuse from a parent It might have been a verbal abuse from a parent. It might be Neglect from a parent. These are all the things that can happen in childhood Then an adulthood it could be a traumatic life event. It could be a divorce that could be horrifically traumatic to an individual it could be job loss like what I suffered it could be You know physical ailments all of these adult traumas affects our behavior So it's not a reflection of whether or not somebody's been married or not It's really a let's get to the root of what's going on It's more of a reflection of what's causing the wounding and have they healed from the wounding Let me repeat that what's causing the what caused or cause Causing the wounding and are they healing or healed from it? That's more important than whether or not they've ever been married Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know. Hope bridge that answers your question Okay Amy writes dating a year and seven months have spent every weekend together I love him and felt he cared so I asked to be his girlfriend and he told me he didn't see me in his future Should I pass? Wow seven months together a year and seven months together you spend every weekend together You expressed care use now. I think you waited way too long to be officially boyfriend and girlfriend ladies Right around the time the penis gets to go inside the vagina That's the time to have the conversation about boyfriend and girlfriend status and monogamy and exclusivity That's right around the time the penis gets to go inside the vagina Now, I don't know if it took a year and a half for that to happen I'm gonna assume it happened within the first 10 days That's the time to have the conversation about are you monogamous exclusive? Are you boyfriend and girlfriend? That's the time to have it when someone says I don't see I didn't see he told me he didn't see me in his future ladies That's a fucking bullshit That's bullshit Someone if someone is that much of an asshole to spend time with you knowing that a woman can be attached to a man And it by the way every fucking guy knows this. This is such bullshit if any guy says otherwise We know you get attached to us Okay, unless he's lived under a rock 40 plus years of his life. That's fucking bullshit So for him to say that kick him to the fucking curb that is really asshole behavior. Tell him to go fuck off That's bullshit. Now. I know you care about him and that's not easy But what he said is as cruel as cruel can be that is almost as cruel as saying you're well I won't even go there. Okay That's bullshit Listen look it if I listen if I could be there for every one of you I if I could be there for you on your first date. Here's how I'd show up I'm your big brother. You're going on a first date with a guy. He shows up the door now I happen to be holding a shotgun chichi Okay, and I look at him and I say what are your intentions with my sister? Because if you fuck her over this gun is going to be pointed at your nose, okay? So you better be more conscious and aware This is the bullshit behavior that I'm tired of both men and women alike approaching the dating process without any Understanding or care about someone else's feelings. That's why I said Empathy isn't just I can feel your feelings empathy as I care about your feelings And if some guy is saying that kind of bullshit a year and a half in there I don't see you in my future look it The first three months six months of dating. It's a roll of the dice Okay, we don't know where it's gonna go But spending a year and a half with someone and then to say that I kick him to the fucking curb Who agrees with me post a comment below? All right, let's see what else we've got Bear with me Okay Shannon writes can you explain why a wounded man is blocked from relating well? Why does a wound make it so that they can't relate communicate etc? Shannon well, this is like this is psychology 101. So I want you to think about Let's take the movie officer and a gentleman if those who don't remember I'll just give you a quick tutorial on the movie. It starts off with a young Richard gear He I mean when I say young he was 12 or 13 years old his mother abandoned him his father had to take care of him He had he was living in Southeast Asia. He was being picked on by kids. He was traumatized in his childhood So fast-forward he meets Deborah winger at the officer club now Here's a guy who wants connection. He wants sex But he is incapable of opening up intimately to another woman why he was wounded in his childhood That caused him to retreat inside Okay, and he doesn't trust love So if you want to know why people don't can't open up or why they're blocked because they don't trust love and by the way This isn't just men Shannon. This is women too. I can tell you women equally are blocked at love Remember I said earlier that 50 60% of women as they get into middle life become bitter jaded and wounded now This is anecdotal the percentage on my part, but from my observation I see this So why is because it takes a tremendous amount of work to heal childhood wounds and traumas? This is why I'm such a big proponent of reading the Hoffman process the Hoffman process Here I want to show everyone this book This is a deep dive in your childhood wounds and traumas so you can release these traumas So you can prepare to be more open and receptive to love This is why I also recommend reading these two books Getting the love you want by Harvelle Hendricks and attached by Amir Levine So you can understand this tea tells you why you keep choosing either your mother and father over and over again in Relationship and this is why you get attached to the wrong person Read these two books of the five six seven books I talk about these are critically important so you can be in relationship. Is this sinking in is this resonating? I hope it is. All right Everybody is telling Amy to run. Yes, okay Let's see what cake Kiki writes. What is going on with a man who has been half Been half in for two years a year living together won't make decent time for me But says he's interested just bought a thirty thousand dollar car for my birthday. I don't get it. I Don't understand what you mean by half in so what it seems to me is what you're experiencing Most likely is the two of you don't communicate at an intimate level. You don't communicate at an emotional level This is why I recommend reading these two books in particular one is here I'm gonna move this eight dates by dr. John and Julie Gottman eight dates by dr. John and Julie Gottman and Read the book how to be an adult in relationship. By the way, there's a link to Jonathan recommend books in the description ladies If you're in with a relationship for a couple years and you don't feel like they're in it's because the two of you Aren't talking to one another. Do you know most couples who have been married for seven years or longer? Barely have intimate conversations anymore. They bear it's mostly who picked up the kids from school Did you pay the bill on time? We've got the plumber coming to do this Did you know that the cable was out need to be fixed that most couples don't actually spend time at an intimate level? Expressing their feelings. This is why I highly recommend reading this book So you can learn how to talk to the voices in your head the untethered soul by Michael singer. Oh My god, this is my Bible for emotional health I'm a big proponent of daily personal development self-help and spiritual work So what happens is when you short remember what I said is sexy what is sexy is emotional maturity? That's what turns someone on someone who's emotionally mature wants to be with another person is emotionally mature and most the questions I get from most of you is you're settling for unhealthy Relationships hoping that magic fairy dust will just change everything because of Jonathan if all I did was just lean back Into my famine and energy. He's just gonna gravitate towards me because feminine energy and leaning back is how all you need to do That's a fucking crock of shit. You know what people need to do they need to learn how to be an adult That's what people need to do. Look it. Let me give you this diagram Look at this read that parent adult child Most humans who are dating today are children That means the other person has to go into the parent role if two people aren't an adult It's not gonna work and the bullshit advice you're getting reverse psychology advice like the book the rules This is all bullshit reverse psychology that temporarily gets you a Relationship going and then it crashes and burns because people haven't established their emotional maturity They haven't stepped into healing their childhood wounds and traumas. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know hit that like button. By the way, how's the audio quality? I hope it's good All right Let's see what else. Oh, by the way, you're welcome to buy a super sticker in a super chat that way. I can find it easier Stephanie says exactly he's a vampire. Thank you All right, don't forget if you have a question write the word question then post your question All right Someone says good call Jonathan. Thank you. All right. Here we go do you Jonathan SB writes do you recommend moving in with someone you aren't thinking of getting engaged or married to right now? So I think there are some people that move in together to combine resources and I'm not opposed to that I mean you can do that with a roommate too. You know, I mean the question is Do you want to build a lifelong partner in your life or do you want a temporary relationship? Most everybody is dating under what Esther Perrell calls stable ambiguity if you're not familiar with Esther Perrell read her book mating in captivity mating in captivity what she describes as something called stable Ambiguity and what that means is it's a relationship that's monogamous and exclusive The ambiguous part is where the fuck is this relationship going ladies? Do you know the biggest problem with dating today is nobody is Establishing what commitment means to them? What does commitment mean to you? What does commitment look like for you? Most of you I got to tell you women women. Excuse me. That was rude of me. I want to retract that ladies. I Can't tell you how many times I get the following math conversation with a woman Jonathan I'm in a relationship with the guy and I want more commitment. I'm like great. What does that look like for you? Well, Jonathan, I just want more commitment from him. I'm like great. What does that look like for you? But Jonathan, I just want more commitment from him. I'm like great. What does that look like for you? But Jonathan, I just want more commitment from him ladies Saying it louder Doesn't change that you're not answering the question now when I say something louder It's just simply to get your attention and it's my style I talk with a bravado like I'm talking to an auditorium with 5,000 people. That's the energy I'm coming from that's why I talk loud But saying the same thing over again loud doesn't mean you're resonating if you want to know what commitment looks like Then you better write it down and figure it out for yourself because I always go back to these ladies and say if you Can't explain it to me How the heck is he gonna know what commitment looks like for you ladies? This is the one keystone problem in all relationships today is there's a lack of commitment Because people don't know what commitment looks like at midlife because in our 20s and 30s. It's real simple It's like this you graduate college you go get a job you get a good job You meet a girl or guy you get married you buy a house you buy a house you start a family Everything is predicated on family. That's what commitment is the combination of but at midlife Nobody knows what it looks like because people don't know how to blend lives together Because you've got spouses to deal with you've got elderly parents to deal with you've got Job issues to deal with you've got a reptile dysfunction. You have menopause you have estrogen You have testosterone and all this biological chemicals that's gonna make it all Understandable, this is why I can't stand advice based on biology as if testosterone is just all you need to do is understand Estrogen and testosterone and that's just gonna make your relationships just magically all work out. That's such a fucking crock of shit Relationships are a complex stew. Look at all these books. I'm pulling up. I'm pulling up. I'm pulling up None of these are about biology It's all about it's about emotional psychology The reason why relationships are so fucked up is because humans are relatively fucked up and they're doing little or no work Healing their childhood wounds and traumas. This is men and women alike. Is this sinking in is this making sense? Okay, let's see if we have any other questions Bridge right. I think communicating over the phone is insignificant should it always be face-to-face. All right, so It's not it's first off the phone is fine. It's phone is fine for text messaging. Hey, I'm running late text messaging I'm doing this. Hey, let's catch up and talk to each other for a few minutes But you're not building you can't build a relationship over the phone and if you do it's a very weak relationship It's a very weak relationship So real relationships are built through experiences. Is this sinking in is this resonating? I hope it is Okay Mmm. All right Stephanie writes there are many men out there that are poor communicators sadly Stephanie that is true by the way for every man Is a weak communicator? There's a woman who's a weak communicator. So let me just tell you all this Okay Here I'm just gonna pull up this sheet. Okay, Stephanie for everybody look at this on top. It says women It's a it's a spreadsheet women and men and all I did was put ages. Okay, just a bunch of different ages 22 57 43, this is women 62 51 man blah blah blah blah blah same thing Okay, why did I do this? Because human beings are riddled with issues. It is not just men It's not men who are poor communicators women are just as poor at communicating Why do I know that one of the biggest one of the things that women hire me for is Their inability to communicate with the guy they're in relationship with they're afraid to speak up Being in fear of communication is just as bad as being a bad communicator Okay, so let I'm Stephanie I'm just here to say that men and women like suffer from poor communication skills and by the way I've talked to women who are done personal development self-help and spiritual work and they're still equally poor at it This takes a lot of work. This is something I do day in day out day in day out It's taken me a decade to actually become a good communicator of my feelings and what I mean by a communicator I'm talking about it at an emotional level. Is this sinking in? Please let me know hit that like button All right Great conversation advice tonight. Thanks. Yes experience. Let's see what Gigi says. Yes experiences and memories shared together build relationships. Yes, that's how relationships are built And so by lead ladies What's most important listen? The most important relationship you're ever going to have is with yourself That's the most important relationship you're ever going to have is with yourself Getting into a romantic relationship with a man is simply a bonus or for those men watching being with a woman is a bonus because we get to get physical connection and Companionship and sex that's part of the the benefits of being in relationship But ultimately I'm here to encourage everyone to build us a healthy happy relationship with who with self-love a Journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work. I'm so grateful. My book by the way is coming out an audible on May 1st So it's just around the corner We're putting the finishing touches together and now we'll have an audible version as well All right leaf rights Yes, told X that that last week who tried to rekindle by tax for months known him for almost all my life Pre-cell phones. What the fuck said call as we are the lockdown but texts and emails only Not really sure if your question is what the fuck because a lot of people are afraid. Okay, so going back to the Officer and a gentleman Okay, Zach Mayo played by Richard gear for those who know the movie was a quintessentially Fearful avoidant. Okay, fearful avoidant. If you're not familiar with love attachment styles again Check out the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller Avoidant anxious secure fearful avoidant dismissive avoidant Zach Mayo fearful avoidant Okay, it isn't very common for most men as well as women to be afraid of love It's so counterintuitive because here's the thing every one of us is so thirsty for love We're so thirsty to be loved for who we are our little our little kid inside of us is dying to be loved Okay But most people don't know how to get there This is why I highly recommend reading these two books first off read the book by Barbara DeAngelis how to make love all the time how to make love all the time I love this book for teaching how to build real intimacy in a relationship And then if you want to build a real deep sense of self-love read This is the CD version but Mary Ann Williamson wrote a book called return to love By the way links below to all the books return to love is an essential book to be reading or listening to because When we can when we're healed on the inside we can be more receptive To a connection to another human being I got to tell you a lot of women who are still wounded jaded and bitter Great guys come into their life all the time, but they reject great guys because they're not ready for a relationship When a person is not ready for a relationship They actually reject good people women reject good men and men reject good women But that's because they're not ready to be in a relationship. Anyway, is this sinking in is this making sense? Please let me know all right Shannon writes is menopause a plus or minus to a guy I person My first reaction. It's a minus because I think they've lost their sex libido That's my impression of menopause is that someone loses their sexual libido and I'm at that age where most women are having menopause. So that's my perception of it. I'm not saying that's the truth I'm just saying that's my perception I think most men don't really think about it that much So it's not a plus or it's a minus our only thing is are we gonna have physical connection with you? I know do we get to have sex with you? That's what's most likely most important to guys Okay Gigi says that makes sense. Okay Jessica writes a man. I'm seeing he does not feel he is desired by me How can we move beyond this? We have had discussions this afternoon, but I'm still not sure how to move forward any ideas Okay, so I so I love this question. So first off saying sweetheart I'm a little confused when you say you're not desired by me. Can you elaborate on that? Can you elaborate and what is it that you need for you to feel more desired because I genuinely care about you? I have I have a lot of chemistry for you. I have a lot of attraction for you I care about you. So I want to make sure that you're happy. So a what is it that you're not getting? Please let me know and what can I do to to feel that if that's something that's doable Jessica? Does that help that simple basic communication 101 what I'm just describing is again Chapter one in my book speak your truth. Just do it kindly and I like to think that's how I did it. Jessica. I hope that helps Wrong memo did not change anything for myself. I don't get that men a pause. Okay Let's see bridge writes do men have women pause Well men go through their own birth version of well we go through midlife crisis. That's where most humans It's it's a it's a clash between the way we thought our life was going to be like collides with our reality Let me repeat that we while we think our life was supposed to be collides with our reality So yes men go through Allison Armstrong if you're not familiar with her book the Queen's Code She talks about men who go through the tunnel the tunnel This is midlife crisis and it could take decades. I know I was in the tunnel for 15 years 10 and 5 15 years. I was in the tunnel Going through my hero's journey. This didn't where I'm at today didn't happen overnight It took a lot of personal development self-help and spiritual work a lot of pain and suffering those who know me know that I didn't just lose my son Connor before that I mean I lost my mom just six months before that but before that a decade before that I lost my quarter million dollar Your job. I got a divorce. I was addicted. I was self-medicating with drugs and alcohol just to get through the day so it's not you know Menopause or whatever. I think we all go through a life change opportunity and We can either as my I love the movie Shawshank Redemption. We can get busy living or get busy dying Okay, and I chose to live there was a moment in my life back in 2009. I Went to bed wishing I didn't wake up. I mean I have two kids at the time I went to bed wishing I didn't wake up. That's how miserable my life was in 2009 and little by little For over a decade. I had to rebuild myself from the inside out Then it took another half a decade to get to the level where I'm at today Now I'm in a continually grow, but I'm gonna tell you for a good 10 11 12 13 years I wasn't ready to be in a relationship. That's why when people ask me Jonathan Why are you single? Look it I went through I went through major hell I had to go through this hell to get to where I'm at today And that hell includes losing a child and so when people say, you know, what's wrong with you? Well, I asked you lose a child and see how your fucking life is. Okay. I'm sorry I'm get a little angry, but when people, you know when they ask the the most Named question is what's wrong with you? Why are you single? There is nothing wrong with any human being who's single right now We're all on our journey. We can go at it. Whatever pace we want and whether you're you're just, uh, you know You're a accountant the lawyer is see, you know, I said CPA accountant If you're a nurse or whatever profession you are or you're a dating coach We're all human beings doing the best we can and that's where I'm at in my life And yes, I've suffered loss and many of you have suffered even worse loss than I have It just it's all part of our journey and there's no timeline and when to be in a romantic relationship What's most important is the relationship with yourself and that took me 15 years to get a really healthy Relationship with myself. I would say really closer to 10 or 11 years I was in the tunnel and the last few years. It's just been held because I lost Connor is all All right, um, I think we'll take one more question before we wrap up Leaf writes that's what I was thinking but his daughter 38 lives and works with him has a fit any time He has a relationship. I walked three and a half years ago. Then he emailed me at Christmas every night since All right, leave what I don't understand is okay, so I'm gonna pull out this book again How to be a grown-up in relationship? Here's my suggestion leave if the penis gets to go in the vagina on a regular basis then be reading these two books and Discussing them with actual Interests, okay Because ladies most of you are spending time either you're not the emotional grown-up or they're not the emotional grown-up Or you're both not an emotional grown-up nor do you know the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship the reason why I Recommend this book eight dates is to learn the mechanics of a healthy happy relationship if you don't look at it I want you to think of a watch it needs screws it needs hint It needs gears and all this stuff to work a relationship is no different So most of everybody is just winging it. They're just walking around winging it That's how they date without any fucking clue of how it works You better learn how a relationship works before you put yourself out there Is this sinking in is this resonating? Okay, I think I've gotten my point across I I've expressed it in my passionate loud sense I want to recap those five things that wildly turn on a quality guy before we wrap up today Really quickly your actions match your values meeting your standards and your boundaries You have victor consciousness in other words you take personal responsibility for your choices You know how to fight fair that's critically important That means you listen to the other person's point of view and accept their point of view is being true for them You have empathy and empathy isn't just I feel your feelings empathy as I genuinely care about your feelings in Relationship to my own feelings and last but not least transparency and ladies many of you are Stuffing your voice in relationship, and I'm here to encourage you to speak up Speak your truth out there. Is this resonating is this sinking in I hope it is All right, we covered a lot of ground today. I hope you found value in this Let's read I'm gonna take a few more questions so Susan writes after a second date a guy asked if he can maybe occasionally swing by my home if I'd ever like company I want to spend time with him. Is this a good thing? He asked Okay, so I'm a big proponent that dating doesn't always have to be Outside doing something. I think spending time in a person's home having really good rich Communication is just as equally as valuable as going out. Okay In other words, you're experiencing time together now what he could be saying is code for I like you But I'm just not that into you, but I'd like your company until somebody better comes along I don't know why that was my gut reaction when I read him say Can I occasionally swing by if you'd like company? Now he could have done that one of two ways He could have been fishing to see if you really like him or He could just be putting you in the friend zone. That's a little bit tricky. So why don't you ask him? Why don't you tell him if you like him and find out if he likes you and then ask him? I'd much prefer exploring a relationship with someone than just hanging out. How do you feel about that? I'm gonna repeat that I prefer exploring a relationship with someone than just hanging out How do you feel about that? How does I hope that helps Susan? All right Well, we covered a lot in the last 55 minutes Everyone I just we're gonna wrap up today. I think this is a good time to You know to let's go back here Good time a good segment to leave listen everyone I want to thank you so much for allowing me into your lives today to share my perspective on the five things that drive me wild Those high-quality guys. I hope you found value in this if you have do me a favor If you need some love and support check out the link to a free discovery call check out the link to my group Called midlife love mastery where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis for just a few dollars a day Are for less than a few dollars a day. I should say Let's see what else there's my books. What the heck a self-love anyway all this collection of books And I have a podcast called the what would love do podcast where we explore life love in the pursuit of inner peace This is where I do a longer expanded version of a lot of the content. I hear today or share today All right, I think this is a good place to wrap up everyone. I want to thank you so much for joining me today I'm truly grateful. I'm gonna sign off by first off giving myself a big gigantic job the bearhook of self love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone a pet teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives Thanks a bunch and wishing you a super duper wonderful day. Bye. Bye now