 Chapter 38 of the Life of St. Teresa. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Ann Boulet. The Life of St. Teresa by Teresa of Jesus. Translated by the Reverend John Dalton. Chapter 38. The Saint mentioned some great favors which our Lord was pleased to show her, in acquainting her with certain secrets of heaven, and by giving her visions and revelations, etc. Being so very ill one night that I thought I might excuse myself from prayer, I took my rosary to employ myself vocally, not taking any pains to recollect my understanding, though as to my exterior I was sufficiently recollected, being in an oratory. When our Lord wishes, all our endeavors serve but to little purpose, for after I had been praying a little in this way, there suddenly came upon me a rapture of the Spirit, with so great impestuousity that there was no power in me to resist it. I seemed to be placed in heaven, and the first persons whom I saw there were my father and mother, and I also saw some other things so very wonderful, and in so very short a time, as long only as one would say Ave Maria, but I was amazed, thinking it was too great a favor for me. With regard to the time being so very short, I may perhaps be deceived, for it may have been longer, but it seemed to me at least to be very short. I was afraid of an illusion, but yet to me it seemed none. I knew not what to do, for I was quite ashamed to go with the account to my confessor, not through humility as I thought, but because I fancied he would make a jest of it and say, what a Saint Paul or a Saint Jerome this woman has become to see such heavenly things, and because these glorious saints had such visions as these, it made me so much more fearful of myself so that I did nothing but weep bitterly, because I thought there was no probability that such favors should be shown to me. However, I went to my confessor, notwithstanding all my repugnance, for though it was painful for me to mention these things, yet I never dared to conceal anything from him on account of the great fear I had of being deceived and deluded. When he saw me in such great affliction, he comforted me very kindly and told me many consoling things to free me from the trouble I was in. It has happened to me several times since that our Lord has shown me still greater secrets. There is no means, however, of the soul being able to see more than our Lord is pleased to represent to her, nor is it possible, and hence I never saw more than our Lord was pleased to show me at each time. But this was so very much that the least part of it was sufficient to make me quite amazed and to improve my soul very much and help her to undervalue and despise all the things of this life. I wish I knew how to explain the least part of that which I saw represented, but when I am thinking how to do it, I find it impossible. For though the light which we see here and that which is represented there be all light, yet there is so great a difference that there is no comparison. For the brightness of the sun itself is very obscure when compared with that brightness. In a word, the imagination of man, however subtle it may be, cannot paint or describe this kind of light, nor any other of those things which our Lord gave me to understand. And this was such excessive delight as cannot be expressed. For all the senses enjoy such a superior degree of sweetness that cannot be comprehended, and therefore I think it best to say no more about it. I was once for more than an hour in this state when our Lord showed me wonderful things and appearing not to be far from me. He said, See, daughter, what they lose who are against me, do not fail to tell them of it. But, oh my Lord, what good will my telling them do, since their own evil actions have blinded them? If thy majesty did not give them light, some there are to whom thou hast given it, and they have profited much by the knowledge of thy greatnesses. But, oh my Lord, they see them given to such a wretched and wicked creature that I wonder I find anyone to believe me. Blessed be thy name and thy mercy, for I at least have seen an evident amendment in my own soul from these things. How glad I should have been afterwards if I might still have remained in that state and not come back here to live again for the contempt in which I held the whole world was very great and it seemed to be no better than dung to me, and now I see how meanly we are employed who are detained here. While I remained in the house of this lady, Luisa de la Serda, whom I have already mentioned, it once happened to me when I was ill with a violent pain in my heart that looking on me with great compassion she one day commanded certain jewels of hers to be brought forth, which were of great value, and one in particular of diamonds, which she prized at a great price. She thought that the sight of them would delight and revive me, but I smiled at her within myself and was grieved to see what mean things men esteem when I consider what our Lord has laid up for us, and I thought how impossible a thing it would be for me to put any value on such toys as these, though I should endeavor to do so, unless our Lord should first take away the memory of other things. This kind of favor gives the soul so great a dominion that I know not whether it can be possibly understood by any other person but such as possess it, because it is a proper and natural disengagement of the soul from all created objects, and this comes without any labor on her part. God does everything, for His Majesty shows us these truths, and this in such a manner that they remain so imprinted on the soul as to make us clearly see that it was not possible for us to acquire them, especially in so short a time, by any exertions of our own. I also came to have very little fear of death, of which formerly I had great dread, but now it seems a very easy thing for such as apply themselves to the service of God, for in a moment the soul sees herself freed up out of this prison and placed in repose. The way by which God carries the soul up in these raptures to show her such wonderful things seems to bear a very close resemblance with the passage of the soul out of the body at the hour of death, since in a moment she beholds herself possessed of all this good. I omit here the consideration of those pains felt when the soul is born out of the body, for we should make little account of this, and they who love God and good earnest, and have bid adieu to all the pleasures of this life, are wont to die with more sweetness and resignation. It also seems to me that these favors did me much good towards making me know my true country, and being convinced that we are only pilgrims here below. It is very necessary to consider what passes there above, and to know where we are to live forever, for when one goes to live for good in all in a country, it is a great help towards enduring all the troubles of the journey, to know that it is the land where we shall enjoy very great repose. It also enables us to consider heavenly things, and to endeavor that our conversation may be in heaven. This is done with ease. It is likewise a great gain, because merely looking up to heaven recollects the soul, for as our Lord is pleased to show her some glimpse of that which is there, she is thereby induced to pause and meditate upon it. And sometimes it happens that they who I know are living there are only the companions I choose to comfort myself with, these being the persons who seem truly alive, and those others who live here on earth appear to be so very dead, that this world affords no company at all to me, especially when I have those great impulses. All seems to me but a dream, and what I see with my eyes looks like a jest, but that which I have already seen with the eyes of my soul is the very thing she desires, and because she sees herself to be yet far off from it, this is death to her. In a word the favor is exceedingly great which our Lord grants to that soul to whom he gives such visions as these, for they help her much in all things, and especially in burying a heavy cross, because nothing satisfies her now, but everything disgusts her, and if our Lord did not permit one to forget it sometimes, though yet we remember it again afterwards, I know not how one could live. May he be blessed and praised forever. I beseech his majesty by the blood his son shed for me, that since he has vouchsafe I should understand some part of these great benefits, and in some measure to begin enjoying them also. It may not happen to me as it did to Lucifer, who lost all by his own fault. Do not permit this, oh my Lord, I beseech thee by what thou art, for it is no small fear which I have sometimes, though at other times and even very generally. The mercy of God gives me security, that since he has been pleased to deliver me from so many sins, he will not forsake me now, so as to let me be lost. This I beg of your reverence, that you will always pray for me, but in my opinion, the favors which I have already mentioned were not so great as that which I will now relate, for many reasons, particularly for the great courage and strength which have remained in my soul on that account, although if each of the other favors be considered in itself, it is so great that nothing else can be compared with it. One day after Mass, it being the vigil of Pentecost, I went to a very retired place where I often used to pray and I began to read in a certain book written by a Carthusian on this festival and I found there those signs by which they who are beginners or proficient or perfect may understand whether the Holy Spirit is with them or no. Reading what was said there of these three states, it seemed to me that God, through his goodness, was in this manner present with me as far as I could understand. And while I was praising him for this blessing, I called to mind that when I had read the same thing formerly, I stood much in need of my present state and thus I came to know how much I was indebted to our Lord for the great favor he had bestowed upon me. I began also to consider the place I had deserved in hell for my sins and I gave great praises to God because I found my soul as I thought so extremely changed that I could hardly know her. Being fixed in this consideration, there came a great impestuousity upon me without my knowing the occasion of it. It seemed as if my soul were endeavoring to get out of my body for now she could not possibly contain herself, nor could she find herself capable of remaining any longer in the expectation of so great a good. This was so wonderful an impulse that I could not tell what to do with myself, and it was very different in my opinion from those which I have had at other times. It seemed as if my soul from those which I have had at other times, nor did I know what was the matter with my soul, nor would I admit she was so much altered. I leaned myself on one side not being able to sit upright for I found my natural strength began to fail me. When in this state I saw a dove above my head, very different from the doves of this world, for it had not the like feathers, but the wings seemed to be composed of certain little shells which started a wonderful splendor. The dove was much larger than an ordinary one, and I thought I heard a noise which it made with its wings, for it was hovering over me about the space of an ave Maria. My soul was then in such a state that, losing herself in an ecstasy, she also lost sight of the dove. By entertaining so sweet a guest, my soul became quiet, though so wonderful a favor might well have disturbed and affrighted her. But as she already began to enjoy, my soul soon vanished, and with joy began the quiet. She remained in a rapture. The glory of this rapture was extremely great. I remained during the greater part of Witsentide so stunned and transported that I knew not what to do with myself, nor how to contain within me so great a grace in favor. I neither heard nor saw, so to speak, on account of my great interior joy. From that day my soul has found a very great improvement in the blind love of God and stronger virtues than she did before. May our Lord be praised and blessed forever. Amen. Another time I saw the same dove above the head of a Dominican father. Only I thought that both the beams and the brightness of the wings extended themselves much further. I was then given to understand that he was to win souls to God. Another time I saw our blessed lady putting a very white garment into the same order of whom I have often spoken. She told me that for the service he had done her in helping to erect this house, she gave him that mantle as a sign that his soul should be preserved for the future impurity and that he should not fall into mortal sin. I am confident it proved so for he died within a few years after and his life and death were attended with such penance and sanctity that there can remain no doubt as far as we are able to judge. A friar who was present at his death assured me that before he expired he told him how St. Thomas had been with him. He died with great joy and with a desire to be free from this banishment. Since then he has sometimes appeared to me in very great glory and told me many things. He was so given to prayer that when before he died he wished to omit it on account of his great weakness he was not able to do so and he raptures. He wrote to me a little before he died asking me what means he had best employ because as soon as he used to finish Mass he fell into raptures which would last long without his being able to help himself. God at last gave him a reward for the great service he had done for him during his whole life. Of the Rector of the Society of Jesus whom I have mentioned before I have seen some things concerning the great favors our Lord bestowed upon him and I will not mention them here for fear of being too long. A severe affliction happened to him once by being unjustly persecuted at which he was greatly afflicted. As I was hearing Mass one day I saw Christ on the cross when the priest elevated the host. He spoke certain words to me which I was commanded to tell him for his comfort and others to put him on his guard against something that was to happen and to represent to him how much our Lord had endured his sake and that he should prepare himself to suffer. These words gave him great strength and courage and all happened to him just as our Lord had foretold. I have seen wonderful things relating to the religious of a certain order and of the whole order together. I have sometimes seen them in heaven with white banners in their hands and many other things as I have said very admirable. Accordingly for this order I have a great veneration of communication with them and I see that their life is conformable to what our Lord gave me to understand regarding them. Being one night in prayer our Lord began to utter some words to me by which he brought to my remembrance how wicked my life had been. These words gave me both pain and confusion for though they were not spoken with any severity yet they caused within me such tender feelings of sorrow and grief as quite to dissolve me. We find more help towards the knowledge of ourselves by only one of these words than we should be able to acquire in many days by considering our own misery. For it so engraves the truth in the soul that we cannot possibly deny it. He represented to me these inclinations of mine which I had formerly entertained with so much vanity and he told me that I was to set great value upon the desires I had that he would abide in me. Desires which formerly I had directed to such evil objects. Other times he bade me remember how formerly I had considered it as a point of honor to go against his honor and at other times that I should remember how much I owed him since when I was committing the greatest offenses against him he used to do me favors. If I have any faults which are not few our Lord then makes me understand them so well that I am as it were ready to annihilate myself and because I have many faults this happens very often. It happened that my confessor reprehended me and when I thought to find consolation and prayer it was there I found real blame. But to return to what I was saying when our Lord began to bring my wicked life to my remembrance which cost me so much tears and when I considered that I had then done no good as I thought I began to think within myself whether he might not wish to bestow some new favor upon me because whenever I have received any particular favor from our Lord it has generally been after I had annihilated myself in this way. And our Lord acts thus with me that I may see them more clearly how far I am from deserving these favors. A short time after my soul was so absorbed that it seemed to be almost out of my body at least it could not be perceived that I lived in it. Then I saw the most sacred humanity of our Lord in more excess of glory than ever I had seen it before. This was represented to me by a certain admirable and clear notice of his being placed in the bosom of his father and yet I know not how to explain it for it seemed to me that without seeing I saw myself present before the divinity. I remain so amazed in such a manner that I think some days past before I return to myself but I always thought that I had the majesty of the Son of God present to me though not like the farmer. This I understood very well but the sight remained so engraven on my imagination that I cannot free myself from it though it was represented in so short a time for some time. It is however both a comfort and a great benefit to my soul. I have seen this vision three other times and this in my opinion is the most sublime vision which our Lord ever granted me the favor to see and it brings with it the greatest benefits. It seems that the soul is greatly purified by it and it takes all strength away from our sensuality. It is a vehement flame which seems to burn up and even perfectly to consume all the desires of this life. For though glory be to God for it I had before no inclinations to vain objects it was here declared to me in a very distinct manner that all was vanity and in particular how vain were all the titles and grandeurs of this world. It also gives us great information how to raise up our desires to the pure truth. A reverence for God remains so imprinted on the soul in such a way that I know not how to describe it. It is very different from whatever we can't acquire in this world. It also produces a strange amazement in the soul to consider how she or how any creature can presume so far as to dare offend such an exceeding great majesty. I sometimes have mentioned the effects of these visions and that a soul receives sometimes more sometimes less profit from them but from this vision the profit was wonderfully great. After I used to communicate and when I remember the incomparable majesty which I had seen and which I saw was the very same that is in the Holy Sacrament and sometimes our Lord is pleased to let me see him in the sacred host. The very hair of my head stood quite on end and thought I was wholly annihilated. Oh my Lord, if thou dost not hide thy greatness who dare presume to approach so often as we do so filthy and miserable a creature to so great a majesty. Blessed be thou, O Lord, may the angels in all creatures praise thee who dost so measure things according to our weakness in order that, enjoying such wonderful favors, thy immense power may not terrify us being so weak and miserable. It might happen to us as it once did to a laboring man and this fact I know to be correct who found a treasure which being greater than his mind caused him to fall into sadness when he saw himself possessed of the treasure hence by little and little he came to die through mere care and affliction not knowing what to do with his treasure. Whereas if he had not found it altogether but someone had given it to him by degrees and had thus supported him he would have lived more contently than when he was poor and it would not have cost him his life. Oh riches of the poor how admirably do you know how to sustain souls. How careful are you without letting them see too much at once to show them great treasures by little and little. When I see so great a majesty concealed in so small a thing as the sacred host and so it is, I am admiration at such great wisdom and I know not how our lord gives me courage and strength to approach him. Did not he who hath bestowed and still be so such great favors upon me fortify me also herein and it is not possible to dissemble the matter any longer or cease to proclaim aloud such great wonders. What sediments then ought so miserable a creature and so laden with abominations as I am and who have spent my life with such little fear of God. What sediments ought she to have when she sees herself approach to a lord of such great majesty because he is pleased that my soul should behold him. How shall this mouth of mine which has uttered so many words against this same lord presume to touch that most glorious body so full of purity and sanctity. The love which that countenance of such great beauty tenderness and affability discovers to us does more afflict and wound the soul for not having served him than do that fear and terror which are inspired by the majesty she beholds in him. But what should be my feelings after having seen on two occasions of that of which I will now speak. I am really about to say on my lord and my glory that I have in some way done thee a little service by the great afflictions which my soul has experienced in herself. Alas, I hardly know what to say for I am now writing though I scarcely am able to speak because I find myself troubled and almost out of myself when I bring these things to my remembrance. If this thought came from myself I might seem to have some reason for what I say that I had done something for thee, oh my god but since I cannot have so much if thou do not impart it to me there is nothing which I can attribute to myself. I am therefore thy debtor, oh lord, and thou art the party offended. Going one day to receive the blessed sacrament I saw two devils with the eyes of my soul more clearly than if I had seen them with the eyes of my body. They had a most horrible appearance and seemed with their horns to encompass the neck of the poor priest. I also saw our lord with that majesty of which I have already spoken placed in the sinful hands of the priest in the host which he was about to give to me for I understood that soul to be a state of mortal sin. What a sight it must have been to behold thy beauty, oh lord, in the midst of such horrible figures. These devils were so confounded and terrified by thy presence that they would willingly have gone from thence if they could have obtained thy leave. This sight gave me such great affliction that I was scarce able to communicate and I was in great fear thinking that if it had been a vision from god his majesty would not at such a time have allowed me to see it. But it was permitted that I might understand what power the words of consecration have since god would not be kept away, however wicked the priest might be who pronounce them. Our lord himself told me to pray for him and that he allowed me to behold this vision that I might see his wonderful goodness in not forbearing to put himself into the hands even of his enemy and this for the good both of me and of all men. I understood then very clearly how priests are bound to be much more virtuous than other men and how terrible a crime it is to receive the most blessed sacrament unworthily and how absolutely the devil has possession of a soul in mortal sin. This vision did me a great deal of good and gave me a very deep knowledge of what I owe to god. May he be blessed forever and ever. On another occasion there happened to me something else which pleased me extremely. I was in a certain place where a person died who had lived very badly for many years but for the last two years had been sick and in some things seemed to be reformed. This man died without confession but still I did not think he would be condemned. While, however, his friends were preparing the body for burial, I saw several devils take the corpse and they seemed to be sporting with it and practicing many cruelties upon it which struck me with great terror for they tore it with certain sharp hooks and tossed it from one to another. When afterwards I saw him taken to be buried with the usual pomp and ceremonies, I considered the goodness of god in not permitting the soul even of that man to be defamed but in so permitting it to be concealed that he was his enemy. During all the time of the office for the dead I did not see any devil but when afterwards they put the body into such a multitude of them within that I was utterly amazed to behold them and I had need of great courage to conceal my emotions. I considered how those devils would treat that soul when they exercised such tyranny over the poor body. Would to god that this dreadful spectacle which I saw could have been seen also by those who are in mortal sin, for I think it would be a powerful motive to induce them to amend their lives. All this obliges me to know what I owe to god and from what he has delivered me. I had great fears till I mentioned these things to my confessor, thinking the vision might perhaps be an illusion of the devil to defame that soul though the man was not considered to be a very good Christian. However the truth is that whether it were an illusion or no I am always frightened when I remember it. And now since I have begun to speak of visions which relate to the dead I will also mention some things concerning souls which our lord has been pleased that I should see. But I will speak only of a few for the sake of brevity and because it is not necessary in the way of receiving any benefit. News was brought to me of the death of one who had been provincial here but when he died he was the provincial of another province. I had transacted a great deal of business with him and had also been indebted to him for some good offices which he had done me. He was a virtuous person. When I heard that he was dead I was greatly troubled there at because I was afraid for his salvation in as much as he had been superior for twenty years. A responsibility I dread much because it is very dangerous to have the care of souls. I went therefore in great trouble to an oratory to pray for his soul. I gave him all that good which I had ever done in my whole life which was little enough and I prayed to the Lord that his merits might supply for what that soul wanted in order to deliver her from purgatory. While I was begging this favor from our Lord in the best manner I could he seemed to rise up from some deep part of the earth on my right side and so I saw him ascend to heaven with very great joy. He was very old before he died but now he seemed to be about the age of thirty or rather somewhat less and his face shone very brightly. This vision passed away very speedily but yet I was so much comforted by it that his death gave me now no more grief though many others were troubled about him for he was much beloved. The comfort my soul experienced was so great that I had no care about anything else and I could not possibly doubt but that the vision was true that is, no delusion. This happened but fifteen days after his death but still I was not negligent in procuring prayers to be offered up to God and in praying for him myself except that I could not do so willingly had I not seen this vision. For when our Lord shows me a soul in this state and I afterwards wished to recommend it to His Majesty I cannot help thinking that it is as if I gave an alms to a rich man but I learned afterwards for the man died at a great distance that the death which our Lord granted him was so edifying that all were astonished at the self-knowledge, contrition and humility with which he departed. A nun died in our house about a day and a half before this occurred whereof I am going to speak she had been a great servant of God and while we were reciting for her soul the office of the dead in the choir where I stood by and assisted in reciting the verse I thought in the middle of the lesson that her soul rose from the same side as the other did and so went to heaven. This was no imaginary vision like the last but like others which I have mentioned before yet these are no less certain than those others which are seen. Another nun between 18 and 20 years of age died in the same house. She had always been infirm and a great servant of God and very diligent in the choir. I thought for certain that she would not have gone to purgatory on account of the long sickness she had endured but rather that there would have been supernumerary merits but while we were reciting the office about four hours after she died I perceived that her soul rose out of the same place and went to heaven. Being one day in a church of the society of Jesus oppressed with those great afflictions and troubles of which I have spoken sometimes and which I still have both in soul and body. I found myself in such a condition that I thought I was not able so much as to entertain one good thought. That night a father of the society had died in the same house and Mass was then being offered for the repose of his soul. While I was recommending him to God as well as I was able I fell into a very great rapture and I saw him ascending into heaven in great glory, our Lord himself accompanying him by a particular favor. Another friar of our order a very good man was very dangerously ill and I being then at Mass fell into recollection and saw him departing out of this world immediately to heaven without entering purgatory at all and he died as I was told afterwards at the very hour that I saw him. I wondered that he had escaped purgatory but was given to understand that as he was a religious and had carefully observed the vows of his profession the bulls of indulgence granted in favor of the order had availed him towards his exemption from purgatory. This I suppose was signified to me as implying that more is required to make a religious than merely wearing the habit. I will relate no more of these things because as I have said there is no necessity for it though our Lord has done me the favor to show me very many but among all the souls which I have seen I do not understand that anyone escaped going to purgatory but only this last father and that holy man Peter of Alcantara and another holy man of the order of Saint Dominic Marnias. Our Lord has also been pleased to let me see the several degrees of glory to which they have been raised. The place is being represented to me where in they are. There is a great difference between some and others. End of Chapter 38 Chapter 39 of the life of Saint Teresa This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Ann Boulet The Life of Saint Teresa by Teresa of Jesus translated by the Reverend John Dalton Chapter 39 The Saint gives an account of other miraculous graces and sublime visions with which she was favored by our Lord. I was once very important with our Lord that he would be pleased to restore sight to a certain person whom I was under great obligations who had become almost quite blind and I was afraid our Lord would not hear my prayer on account of my sins. He then appeared to me as he had done at other times and began to show me the wound in his left hand and with his right hand he drew out the great nail which had been fastened in it and I thought that some of the very flesh came out with the nail by which it was evident how great was the pain it caused him. The sight of it pierced my heart with grief. He told me that since he had endured that for my sake I should not doubt that he would more willingly grant this request of mine and so he promised me that I should ask him nothing that he would not do for he knew already that I would beg nothing of him but what should be for his glory and that he would grant me this favor which I now begged for. He made me also consider that even when I did not serve him I had not desired anything of him which he had not granted even better than I knew how to ask and therefore how much more would he do it now when he knew I loved him and that I must not doubt his word. I think eight days had not passed before our Lord restored sight to this person I informed my confessor of this immediately when it happened. Another time there was a person sick of a very painful infirmity but as I do not know what the disease was I cannot give the particulars. It was very insupportable and he had been troubled with it for two months and had been tormented in such a way as to be almost torn in pieces. My confessor who was the rector I have mentioned went to see him and as he took great compassion on him he told me I must by all means go and see him for he was a relation of mine. I went and took so much pity on him that I began to beg his health of our Lord in a very earnest and important manner. In this I saw clearly the favor our Lord was pleased to grant me for immediately the very next day he was quite free from his pain. I was once in very great trouble because I knew a certain person to whom I was much indebted was resolved to do a thing which was greatly against the honor of God as well as his own and yet he was resolutely bent upon it. My affliction was great because I knew not which way to find any remedy to make him leave it and it seemed to me that there was none. I therefore beg very earnestly of God to apply one but without seeing myself able to alleviate my pain. I then went to a little hermitage, somewhat retired, where there was a picture of Christ at the pillar and I besought him to do me that favor. While I was praying I heard a most sweet voice speaking to me as if in the act of whistling. At this I became greatly terrified though I had a strong desire to hear what it said to me but I could not for it passed suddenly away. But when once my fear was removed which was soon I remained in such great quiet and joy and such great interior delight that I was amazed to see how only hearing a voice and that with my corporal ears and without any word was able to produce so powerful an operation in my soul. I perceived thereby that what I had asked should be done and accordingly all my solicitude was removed as much as if I had seen it actually performed as it was afterwards. I related the whole matter to my confessors both of whom were then very virtuous and learned men. I knew also a certain person who had resolved to serve God very seriously and had practiced mental prayer for some time and therein his majesty had shown him many favors and yet he omitted this kind of prayer upon certain occasions which fell in his way and he did not avoid those occasions, though they were very dangerous. This gave me very great affliction because the person was one whom I loved much and whom also I was bound to love. I think it was more than a month during which I did nothing else but beg of God that he would bring this soul back again to himself. At the end of this time being one day in prayer I saw a devil very near me with certain papers in his hands which he was tearing. He seemed to be very great passion. This gave me much comfort because thereby I knew that my request was granted and so it was as I learned afterwards for the individual had been to confession which he had made with great contrition and he returned to God so earnestly that I hope in his majesty he will always advance in his service may he be blessed by all men Amen. With regard to our Lord delivering souls from grievous sins at my humble supplication and often bringing others to greater perfection and freeing souls from purgatory and doing many other extraordinary things these favors of our Lord have been so numerous that I should weary both myself and my reader were I to mention them these have happened more frequently for the benefit of souls than of bodies. This is so well known that there are many witnesses thereof. At first I had many scruples about it but as I could not help believing that our Lord was pleased to do many things by my prayers, I omit here speaking of his goodness alone which is the principal reason. But there are now so many particulars and so well known by others that I have no difficulty in believing this. It gives me however great confusion because I find myself still more and more his debtor and in my opinion it increases my desire to serve him and it revives my love but that which astonishes me still more is that those things which our Lord finds to not be convenient I cannot beg of him though I might wish to do so except with such little strength, spirit and attention that though I would force myself it is impossible for me to do so in these as in those other things which his majesty intends to perform. Such I see I am able to beg often and with great importunity and though I am not particularly anxious about them, yet me thinks they come before me of themselves. The difference between the two ways of asking is so great that I am unable to explain it. Though I ask only for one favor and herein I urge myself to beg the favor from our Lord though I do not feel that fervor within me which I do in those other cases and yet these are closely connected with my welfare. Still it is as if a man were tongue tied who although he would speak yet cannot and if the people speak it is in such a way that he sees they do not understand him. But in the other case it is when a person speaks to another clearly and plainly and whom he finds very willing to hear him. Let us say also that one of these favors is begged as if we were engaged in vocal prayer and the other by a contemplation so sublime that our Lord represents himself in such a way that we understand that he understands us and that his majesty rejoices in doing us the favor which we beg of him. May he always be blessed who gives so much and to whom I give so little. For what oh Lord does he do who does not holy annihilate himself for thee and yet how much how much how much and a thousand times more might I say how much am I wanting in this respect. On this account I do not wish to live though I have other reasons also because I do not live according to my obligations towards thee how full of imperfections do I see myself. What luke warmness in thy service sometimes I really wish I had no sense that so I might not know how much evil there is about me may he apply the remedy who can do so. Being in the house of a certain lady of whom I have spoken before it was necessary to take great care and always to be considering the vanity of worldly things because I was much esteemed in praise there and there were many occasions into which I might have fallen if I had looked to myself. But I looked up to him who has assured me that he would always protect me as I am now speaking of having a true knowledge of things I remember the great troubles which those persons whom it has pleased God to endure with the knowledge of the truth must suffer when forced to treat others about these earthly things where so much is disguised as our Lord himself once told me many of the things which I mention here do not come from myself but have been told me by my heavenly master and because in all those things wherein I used to express myself positively in these words this I understand or our Lord told me I find very great scruple in either adding or diminishing a syllable thereof whenever I do not expressly remember every circumstance I am accustomed always to mention that as in my own name some things however come from myself though I do not remember anything of mine which is good in itself because there is no such quality in me except what our Lord has given me without any merit on my part I call it a thing said by me when it does not come to my knowledge by revelation but oh my God how comes it but even in spiritual matters we are resolved many times to understand things just according to our own opinion and to twist them from the true sense as we always do with regard to the things of this world and we think we must estimate our spiritual advancement according to the years we have had some practice in prayer it seems also that we wish to put a tax upon him who subject to no restraint bestows his gifts when he wills and who more to one and half a year than to another in many years these things I have so often seen verified in many persons that I wonder how we can have the least out of it but I firmly believe that a man who has any talent in discerning spirits and to whom our Lord has given true humility will not be subject to this error such a person judges of things by their effects and by the resolutions and love produced and our Lord gives him light whereby he may understand it and by that he also discerns the proficiency and improvement of souls and not by the number of years because one may have obtained more in six months than another in twenty years as I have said before our Lord gives his favors to whom he wills and frequently he gives them to such as dispose themselves best to receive them there have now come to this house certain ladies who are very young but as our Lord has touched their hearts and given them a little light and love and this in a very short time wherein he is pleased to impart some pleasures to them they do not stay and pause nor is any difficulty able to stop them but they go on without even remembering their meals and they shut themselves up forever in a house without any revenue like a person who does not value his life for the love of him who they know loves them they abandon things nor have they any will of their own nor do they represent to themselves that sometimes they may perhaps feel unhappy through being so strictly enclosed but all of them together offer themselves and sacrifice to God how willingly do I allow them to get before me herein and how ought I to be confounded and ashamed in the presence of God to see that what his majesty did not accomplish in me during so many years since I began to use mental prayer and he began to bestow favors upon me he has accomplished in them within three months yea even with some of them in three days though he bestowed upon them less favors than he did upon me still his majesty rewards them well I am quite certain then that they are far from being sorry for what they have done for the love of our Lord for this purpose I wish we would remember how many years it is since we made our profession and have practiced prayer but not with the object of disturbing those and making them turn back who have advanced a great deal in a short time that so we may induce them to go our pace this would be to make them who fly like eagles through the favors which it has pleased God to show them to walk no faster than a strong hen rather must we fix our eyes on his divine majesty and if we find those persons humble whom we find to be so much in advance then we should let them have a free course for certainly our Lord who shows such great favors will never suffer them to fall headlong they put their trust in God and this benefit they reap from the truth which faith teaches them and shall we not then trust them must we wish to measure them by our measure according to the littleness and lowliness of our minds no not so for if we cannot acquire those strong affections and resolutions and these cannot be well understood without experience let us humble ourselves and not condemn them by seeming to look at their advancement we shall deprive ourselves of our own and lose the occasion our Lord gives us for our own greater humility and for better understanding how much we are still deficient in and also that we may see how much more those other souls are disengaged from all earthly things than we are and how much more closely they are united to God than we are since his majesty approaches so near to them I mean nothing more nor do I desire to be understood further than that I had much rather have such prayer for a short time and which is found to produce such great effects and these are known immediately for it is impossible that one should be content to forsake the whole world at once for the sole reason of pleasing God without being impelled by the great force of love than that which has continued for many years and never made an end of resolving more at the last than the first to do anything for the service of God unless it be some insignificant little things no bigger than a grain of salt which has neither weight nor bulk except what a bird might carry in his bill let us not look upon it as any notable effect or mortification when we make great account of doing some things for the love of our Lord which it is a pity we should value at such a rate however many such acts we may perform I am myself one of these persons and I continually forget the favors of God I say not but that his majesty will put some value on these little things for he is good but I do not wish to make any account of them nor so much as see that I do them since they are nothing but pardon me oh Lord and blame me not for I must console myself with something since I serve thee in nothing for if I really did serve thee great things I would make no account of these nothings happy are they who do these service by their noble actions if my envying them and desiring to do the like might be accepted by thee as for payment of what I owe I should not be very far behind in pleasing thee but oh my Lord I am good for nothing give me some value since thou lovest me so much there lately came a brief from Rome ordering that this ministry should be incapable of having revenue this circumstance completed everything and though it cost me some trouble to accomplish this object yet it gave me great consolation to see things thus settled reflecting upon the difficulties I had met with and praising our Lord for being pleased to have made use of me I began to look back upon what had happened and it is very true that in every one of those particulars wherein there might be any appearance that I had contributed I found many faults and imperfections and sometimes little courage and often times little faith up to this time when I see everything accomplished which our Lord told me should be done concerning this house I never did come to any fix believe that this would be the case though yet I could not doubt it in the least neither did I know how all this could be but often it seemed impossible on one side and yet could not be doubted on the other I mean one could not help believing that the undertaking would not be accomplished in a word I found that our Lord himself did all the good which was done and I all the evil and so I gave overthinking about it and would not call it to my remembrance lest I might stumble on my numerous faults blessed be he who when he pleaseth draws good from them all amen I say then that it is a dangerous thing to go measuring the years during which we have practiced prayer for though there may be humility yet there may also be a something else an opinion that we had deserved some favor for our pains I do not deny that these years have acquired some merit for us and so we shall be well paid for them but if any spiritual person shall think that for the many years in which he has practiced prayer he deserves these great favors I consider it certain he will never have them it is not enough that he has been protected by God from committing such sins as he fell into before he gave himself to prayer but now he must need to sue his majesty for his own money as the saying is this does not seem to me profound humility but yet it may be so but I think it rather a boldness since I who have such little humility never dare presume so far but as I never did God any service I beg no such favor from him whereas if I had done any I should have desired more than any other of our Lord that I might be rewarded for my pains I do not say but that a soul may go on increasing by this means and that God will make her amends if her prayer has been humble but we should not call to mind those years for whatever we are able to do is all mean and vile in comparison with the least drop of that blood which our Lord shed for us and if the more we serve the more we become his debtors how strange that we should begin penances since if we pay a far thing of an old debt he returns a thousand do-cots for it for the love of God let us leave these judgments which belong to him these comparisons are always bad even in things of this world and what will they be in that which God only knows his majesty gave a good example of this when he paid the last as much as the first in the parable of the gospel I have written these three leaves at different times during several days for I had and still have as I said so little leisure that I forgot what I was beginning to say about this vision and it is this being one day in prayer I saw in a great field where I was by myself people of different kind around me it seemed to me that every one of them had arms in their hands to injure me some had lances some swords some daggers and others very long tucks in a word I found I could not get out of this place in any direction without exposing myself to death especially as I was alone and had no one to take my part being in such great affliction of spirit that I knew not what to do I lifted up my eyes and saw Christ our Lord not in heaven but very high above me in the air and he stretched forth his hand to me and favored me in such a manner from that time that I neither feared all the other people nor were they to me any harm even if they wished this vision seemed at first to be without any fruit but it has since done me a great deal of good because I have come to understand what it meant for shortly after I found myself placed in a very similar engagement and I knew this vision was quite a figure and representation of the world for all that is in it seems to carry with it weapons to injure our poor soul as honors riches and pleasures etc it is clear that the soul gets caught in a net before she is aware at least all these things do their best to ensnare us nay friends kindred and what amazes me more even persons who are very virtuous afterwards I found myself so tied by them they thinking in the meantime no harm was done by them that I knew not how to defend myself or what to do oh my god if I could relate all the various kinds of troubles which I endured at this time even after I had suffered what I had mentioned before this would be sufficient to make one utterly abhor everything here below for it was I think the greatest persecution that ever I had to endure I sometimes found myself so straight on all sides that I only found a remedy in lifting up my eyes to heaven and calling upon God I remembered very well what I had seen in this vision and it did me a great deal of good towards making me not put confidence in anyone for no one is firm and stable but God in all these great afflictions which God sent me he always provided some person or other who might assist me in his name as he assured he would and as he showed me in this last vision without attaching myself to anything but wishing only to please him and this has been sufficient to support the poor little degree of virtue I had in desiring to serve him be thou blessed forever being once very unquiet and troubled so as not to be able to recollect myself and more over being engaged in a battle and conflict with my thoughts roping upon things not very perfect and not seeming to myself to be so perfectly untied from all things as I used to be when I saw myself so wicked I began to be afraid lest the favors which our Lord had shown me might be illusions and I remained in a very security while I was in this affliction our Lord began to speak to me and bade me not to be thus disquieted but as I found myself in my present state I should thereby understand how great a misery I should be in if once he should depart from me and that there was no security as long as we lived in this flesh of ours I was also given to understand how well our labor was employed in this conflict and war since these merits so great a reward our Lord likewise seemed to pity those who lived in the world adding that I must not think he had forgotten me that he would never leave me but yet that I must still do my part these words he spoke with great tenderness and affection and many other words also his majesty often addressed to me showing great favor and which I need not here relate these he often spoke with great love thou shalt be mine and I will be thine and the words which I am always accustomed to say and in my opinion I say them with sincerity are these what do I care oh Lord for myself but only for thee but these words and favors of his gave me excessive confusion when I remember what I am hence it seems as I think I have often said and sometimes say still to my confessor there is more need of courage for receiving these high favors than doing even the greatest afflictions when this happens I almost forget my good works and then I remember how wicked I am without any discourse of the understanding this also seems sometimes to be supernatural sometimes there came upon me such strong desires of receiving the most blessed sacrament that I knew not how to express them properly it happened one morning to reign so heavily that it did not seem fit for me to go out of doors when I was out I was so far transported with this desire that even though spears were set against my breast me thought I could have passed through them all and how much more through water as soon as I entered the church I was seized with a great rapture it seemed as if the heavens were opened and I saw there a throne which had been represented to me before as I have told your reverence and above that another throne upon which I understood in a way I cannot be almighty rested although I saw him not this throne seem to be supported by certain animals and I considered whether they might not be the evangelists but I neither saw how the throne was placed nor who was sitting upon it but only a very great multitude of angels were around it these appeared to be much more beautiful than those others I had formerly seen in heaven I have been thinking where they were cherubim or seraphim for they were very different from those in glory and they seem to be all on fire the glory which I felt in myself can neither be written nor described nor is anyone able to conceive it but only such as have been made partakers of it I understand that whatever can possibly be desired was there united and yet I saw nothing they told me though I know not who that what I could do there was to understand that I could understand nothing but that I might see the nothingness of all beings in comparison with that and it is true my soul was afterwards confounded to observe that she was able to rest at all on anything created and how much more to be affected by it for everything seemed to me no more than an anthill I communicated and remained during the whole of the mass though I knew not how it could be so the time seemed to me to be very short and I wondered when the clock struck to find that I had been in the rapture after this I was amazed to see how by approaching to this fire which seemed to come from above out of the true love of God the old man of defects and luke warmness and misery seems to be consumed for however much I desired and endeavored to procure it though I was willing to annihilate myself for the purpose yet it was not in my power to get the least spark thereof but only when his majesty is pleased to give it as I have read the Phoenix out of whose ashes when she is burnt another springs up just so does the soul become quite another creature with desires wholly different and with a courage so great that she seems not to be what she was before but begins to walk with a new kind of purity in the way of our Lord I was always beseeching his majesty that this might prove to be so in my case and that I might begin afresh to serve him he thus spoke to me thou hast made good comparison see that thou forget not to endeavor always to be improving thyself being once in the same doubt of which I have spoken above whether these visions came from God our Lord appeared to me and utter these words with severity oh ye sons of men how long will ye be dull of heart he wished me to examine myself well on this point whether I had wholly given up myself to him or no and that if I had given myself up and were his I should believe he would not suffer me to perish I was greatly afflicted when he uttered that exclamation but he turned to me with much tenderness and affection and told me that I must not afflict myself that he knew well I would not fail to apply myself entirely to his service and that he would also do what I desired he was then pleased to bestow the particular favor I was begging of him saying that I should consider the love really increasing in me for thereby I might perceive that the devil had no part in it and that I must not thank God would consent that the devil should have so much power over the souls of his servants as to be able to give me such a clearness of understanding together with such a repose of mind as I possessed he also made me understand that since so many persons had told me that these visions came from God I should do wrong if I did not believe them as I was once reciting the Crete of St. Athanasius Quicum Cui Volt I was given to understand the manner how there was only one God in three persons and this in so clear a way that I was both comforted and amazed exceedingly this did me a very great deal of good for increasing my knowledge concerning the greatness of God and his wonders and now when I think or speak of the most holy trinity it seems as if I knew something of the mystery and this gives me great pleasure on the feast of the assumption of the queen of angels our blessed lady our lord was pleased to do me this favor in a rapture to represent to me her assumption into heaven together with the joy and solemnity with which she was received and also the place she holds I cannot describe what kind of a vision this was the glory which my soul had to see that hers is so great was extreme and I felt great effects and improvement and desire to suffer still greater afflictions here it also increased my desire to serve our lady seeing that her merit was so great being one day in a college of the society of Jesus and the fathers of that house then receiving the most blessed sacrament I saw a very rich canopy over their heads and this too several times when other persons communicated I did not see it End of Chapter 39 Chapter 40 of The Life of St. Teresa This is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Anne Boulet The Life of St. Teresa by Teresa of Jesus translated by the Reverend John Dalton Chapter 40 The Saint continues the same discourse and relates some more of the great favors our Lord showed her she then finishes the account of her life Being once in prayer the delight which I felt was so great that knowing myself to be unworthy of such a favor I began to consider how much I deserved that place in hell which I had seen prepared for me and which as I said then I shall never forget By means of this consideration my soul began to be much more inflamed and there came a rapture on me but in such a manner that I know not how to explain it for I seem to be plunged in that majesty which at other times I only understood In this majesty I was allowed to comprehend a certain truth which is the accomplishment of all truth I know not how to relate it for I saw nothing but these words were said to me that I saw not anyone who spoke them but I knew well it was the same truth that which I do for thee is no small matter but it is one of those things for which thou o'est me much because all the evil which happens in the world proceeds from not clearly knowing the truths of scripture one tittle thereof shall not fail As regards myself I thought that I had always believed this and that all the faithful likewise believed it he then said to me again aw daughter how few truly love me if they did I would not conceal my secrets from them does thou know what it is to love me according to truth? it is to know that all is a lie which is not pleasing to me thou shalt see this clearly which now thou dost not understand by the prophet which thy soul shall obtain and so it has been done our lord be praised for from that time everything which is not referred to the service of God does seem to me to be so great a vanity and a lie that I am in no way able to express it as I understand it neither can I express the pity I feel to see men live in such great darkness respecting this truth by these words I was benefited in many ways of which I will here relate some for many others I cannot our lord spoke a particular word to me of the greatest favor I know not how this was for I saw nothing but I remained afterwards in a manner which I cannot explain with exceeding great fortitude and a firm resolution of accomplishing even the least article of the divine scripture with all my power and nothing it seems to me could present itself to me through which I would not pass for this purpose there also remained a truth of this divine truth which was here represented to me though without my knowing how or what and so deeply engraving in my heart that it tires me with a new kind of reverence for God because it impart such a knowledge of his majesty and power and this in such a manner as cannot be expressed I can only understand it is a wonderful thing I had also a very great desire only to speak of things that were really true and which are above whatever is spoken of here in this world and so I began to find it painful to live in it this vision left me with great tenderness delight and humility and I had no suspicion whatever that it was of delusion I saw nothing but yet I understood the great benefit there is in not making an account of anything which does not bring us nearer to God I also understood how important it is for souls to walk in the truth in presence of the same truth for our Lord gave me to understand that he is the very truth itself all that I have mentioned here I sometimes understood by their being spoken to me and at other times without my being spoken to but yet these I understood more clearly than those others which were imparted to me by words I learned very high truth respecting this truth and better than many learning men could have taught me it seems to me that in no way could they have imprinted them on my mind nor so clearly have made me understand the vanity of this world this truth of which I speak is the truth in itself and is without beginning or end and all other truths depend upon this truth and all other loves on this love and all other greatness upon this greatness though what I say is said so dimly in comparison with that clearness with which our Lord was pleased to make me understand it and how does the power of his Majesty appear in giving so great a gain in so short a time and other such things as are imprinted on the soul oh greatness in majesty of my God what wonders does thou not do my mighty God consider who it is to whom thou show us such high favors does thou not remember how this soul has been a very abyss of lies and ocean of vanities all this was through my own fault for though thou dis give me an inclination which naturally aboard lying yet I was apt in many things to act in a deceitful way how can this be endured oh my God how can such goodness and love on thy part be shown to one who has so ill deserve them as I was once reciting the hours of the divine office with all the rest of the nuns my soul immediately began to be recollected and there seemed to be something like a clear looking glass without having anything either on the back or on the sides or above or below which was not all exceedingly clear in the very center of this Christ our Lord was represented to me just as I am accustomed to see him it seemed as if I saw him clearly in all the parts of my soul as in a looking glass and this glass was engraved all over though I know not how and our Lord himself was represented in such a very enamored way that I cannot express it I know this vision has been a great benefit to me every time I remember it especially after receiving the most blessed sacrament hereby I was given to understand that when a soul is in mortal sin it is like covering this glass with a great cloud and making it become very dark so that though our Lord be ever present with us thereby giving us our very being yet then he is not so represented or seen in us and that when any persons become heretics then the looking glass is as it were broken which is far worse than to be obscured but there is a great difference between my seeing this and relating it for it is difficult to make it understood but the vision has done much good and has filled me with great grief for those times wherein I myself obscured my soul so as not to be able to behold my Lord this vision seems very useful to persons of recollection to teach them a way of thinking of our Lord as if in the most interior part of their soul and this is a consideration which keeps the closest to them and is more beneficial than if he were considered as out of the soul according to what I have said elsewhere it is also contained in some books written on prayer by which we are to seek God the glorious saint Austin especially speaks of it for he tells us that neither in the streets nor in pleasures nor in public places where he sought God did he find him so well as in himself and this is evidently the best way and there is no need for us to go to heaven nor any further off than ourselves for this would only weary and distract the soul and not do as near so much good I wish to mention one circumstance here if anyone has such a thing and it happens in a great rapture when the time is past wherein the soul remains in union so that her faculties are wholly absorbed and this lasts as I have said but a short time the soul remains still recollected and is not able as to the exterior to return to herself but those two faculties the memory and the understanding remain in a kind of frenzy and quite foolish this I say happens sometimes especially in the beginnings I have been thinking whether it may not proceed from this that our natural weakness cannot bear such strength of spirit by which the imagination is much weakened I know this happens to some now in such cases I think it would be good to force themselves to leave off their prayers for that time and recover afterwards what they lose then so that all come not together for it might be an occasion of much harm I have experience of this and also how secure a thing it is to consider how much our health can bear in all things there will be need of experience and a master for when once the soul has come so far many things will occur which will require us to have someone to consult and if any such cannot be found when sought for our Lord will not be wanting to them since he would not be wanting to me though I am such a wicked creature for I believe there are few who do the experience of so many things and if there be not experience it is in vain to prescribe any remedy which will not rather serve to afflict and disquiet the soul but our Lord will take even this also for payment and therefore it will be the best to consult someone on the subject as I have mentioned before and also on all those things of which I am speaking now this I see is of great importance especially if there be women to consult with their confessor there are many more women than men to whom our Lord imparts these favors this I heard from that holy man Peter of Alcantara and I have seen it also myself that they profit more in this way than men do he gave excellent reasons for his opinion which need not be mentioned here all were in favor of women another time when I was in prayer there was suddenly represented to me with very great clearness though without my seeing anything formed how all things are seen in God and how he holds them all in himself I know not how to describe this but it remain deeply imprinted on my soul and it is one of the great favors which our Lord has shown me and one of those too which has put me to the greatest shame and confusion when I consider the sins I had committed against him I believe that if our Lord had been pleased to let me see this vision at some other time or if they could see it who offend him they would never act as they do I say it appeared to me so but in such a way that I cannot affirm I saw anything something however must have been seen by me since I am able to make this comparison but this was in so subtle and delicate a way that the understanding is not able to reach it or else that I have no experience in those visions which do not seem to be imaginary in some of these there may be something of the imaginary only as the powers of the soul are then in a rapture they are not able afterwards to describe how our Lord represents himself to them therein and how he is pleased that they should enjoy him let us suppose the divinity to be like some very bright diamond much larger than the whole universe or else like some looking glass after the manner that I spoke before of the soul in that other vision except that this isn't so sublime a manner that I cannot express it and that whatever we do is seen in this diamond for it is so great as to comprise all things within it and nothing is able to escape from its greatness it was a very amazing sight to see in so very short a time so many things all united together in this bright diamond but it was also a subject of extreme grief to me and it is so every time I remember it to see that monster so ugly and foul as my sins were should be represented with such great clearness of light the truth is that whenever I remember it I know not how to endure it and at that time I was so confounded and ashamed that it seemed I could not tell where to hide my head oh that someone could make this truth well understood by those who commit filthy sins that so they might remember those sins are not hidden and that God has reason to be very sensible of those wrongs since they are so truly committed in the presence of his majesty and that we behave ourselves with such great irreverence before him I saw also how justly hell is deserved by one mortal sin because we cannot understand what a most heinous thing it is to commit any such crime in the presence of so great a majesty and what a difference there is between what he is and what our sins are his mercy likewise appears hereby so much the more since notwithstanding we know all this he still bears with us it also made me consider that if such a vision as this can leave the soul so extremely astonished and confounded what will the day of judgment be when this majesty will show itself clearly to us and when we shall see the offenses we have committed oh my God what blindness is this which has seized me I have often been amazed when I reflect on what I have written and your reverence may wonder how I am able to live when I see these things and consider myself may he be eternally blessed who has gone with me so long being once in prayer in very great recollection with much sweetness and quiet I thought I was entirely surrounded with angels and was very near to God I began to beseech his majesty for the welfare of the church and I was given to understand the great good a certain order would do in the world in these latter times and the great courage with which the members thereof would uphold the faith being once in prayer near the most blessed sacrament a certain saint appeared to me whose order was in some decay he had a great book in his hand which he opened and made me read certain words in it which were very large and legible they were these in future times this order shall flourish and have many martyrs another time being at matins in the choir six or seven persons were represented to me who appeared to be of the same order with swords in their hands I thought that by this I was given to understand they were to defend the faith for being in prayer at another time I was wrapped in spirit and I seem to be in a very spacious field where many were fighting and they who belong to this order fought with great courage their faces were beautiful and very inflamed and they threw multitudes down upon the ground quite beaten and others they killed this battle seemed to be carried on against heretics I have seen this glorious saint many times he has told me some things and has given me thanks for the prayers I offered up for his order and he promised to recommend me to our lord I do not specify the different orders here less others might take offense at it though if our lord pleased to have them known he may mention them but every order or every member thereof shall endeavor that by this means our lord may make his order so happy that as the church is now in such great trouble they may be able to serve it happy are the lives which are spent in such a cause a certain person once desired me to pray to God that he might understand whether it would be for his glory if he accepted a bishop rick I did so and after I had received the holy communion our lord gave me this answer when he shall understand with all truth and clearness that true dominion consists in possessing nothing then he may accept it these words give us to understand that whoever is to be a bishop must be far from desiring or seeking such a dignity or at least he must not seek to procure it these favors and many others also have been and are still very often shown to this poor sinner which I think is not necessary to relate since by those which I have already mentioned the soul may be known and the spirit our lord has given me may be understood may he be blessed forever who has taken such great care of me he told me once to comfort me that I should not afflict myself and this he spoke with the most tender love for that in this life we could not possibly be always in the same state but that sometimes I should be fervent and sometimes not sometimes I should have trouble and temptations and at other times quietness and peace but that I must always trust in him and fear nothing I was one day thinking whether it was not an attachment to creatures to take pleasure in being with those persons to whom I mentioned the affairs of my soul and to love them and with others also who I find are such great servants of God that I comforted myself with them our lord said to me that if a sick man who is in danger of death thinks a physician has restored him to health it would not be a virtue to neglect to thank him and to love him and what should I have done had it not been for such as they that the conversation of the good never would be any harm but that my words must ever be well weighed and holy and therefore I should not omit treating with them for it would prove rather beneficial than hurtful these words comforted me much for sometimes as I seem to be too addicted to creatures I desire to give up entirely all converse with them our lord always gave me advice in everything so far as to tell me how I should act towards the weak and some others also he never forgets to take care of me but sometimes I am trouble to see how little I can do in his service and also to see that I am forced to spend more time than I would upon so weak and sinful a body as mine is I was once in prayer and when the time for retiring to rest had come I found myself in great pain and expected to have my usual fit of vomiting observing myself therefore so tied up while the soul on the other hand desired to have some time for herself to be greatly afflicted and to weep much and this has happened not only once but as I mentioned very often and it caused such an indignation against myself that I heartily abhor myself at the time though it is true I do not abhor myself as I ought nor yet am I wanting in what I see is necessary for me and God grant that I may not take more care of myself than I should for so I fear I do while I was in this affliction our Lord appeared to me and told me that I must go through these things and endure all for the love of him for my life was necessary yet and so me thinks I never see myself now in any great pain which I care about since I have resolved to serve this Lord in comforter of mine with all my power for though he has permitted me to suffer a little yet he has comforted me in such a manner that I do not consider myself to do much in desiring afflictions and thus seems no reason why I should live except only to suffer this is what I beg with most affection from God sometimes I say to him with my whole heart oh Lord either to die or to suffer I beg nothing else of thee for myself it comforts me to hear the clock strike for then I think I draw a little nearer to seeing my God since one hour more of my life is past at other times I find myself in such a way that I neither relish my life nor yet me thinks desire death but I remain with a kind of timidity and darkness in all things for as I have said I have often great troubles and since our Lord was pleased that these favors should be publicly known which his majesty has bestowed upon me as he himself some years ago told me they should be which greatly afflicted me for everyone understands them as he likes I comfort myself that it has not been my fault because I never spoke of any such thing except either to my confessors or those others who as I knew them had been informed thereof for of this I was very cautious even to extremity not so much out of humility as on account of the difficulty that I had to speak even to my confessors about these matters now glory be to God though there may be some who blame me much and with good intentions and others who are afraid to speak to me or even hear my confessions and others who say many things about me yet since I understand that our Lord has been pleased by this means to bring many souls to his service as I have seen very clearly and I remember how much he himself would endure for gaining one soul I am very little troubled about it I am not sure whether this may not be because his majesty has put me in this little corner where I am in such strict enclosure I hope there would be no more remembrance of me than if I had been dead but people's forgetfulness is not so great as I wished and since then I have been sometimes obliged to speak with persons but as I am not now where I can be seen it seems our Lord has been pleased to drive me to a port which I trust in his majesty will be a secure one and since I am now out of the world and in the company of a few and holy persons I look down upon things as if from a mountain and I care very little about what people say or think of me I should feel more if any one soul should have profited though ever so little in God's service by my means then I shall ever do at all that can be said of me for now since I have been here our Lord has been pleased that all my desires should terminate in this the salvation of souls he has given me a kind of sleep in this life which makes it seem to me what I see here is a dream nor am I able to say that I perceive in myself either much pleasure or trouble from the things of this world if sometimes I feel any pleasure it passes away with such speed that I am astonished and it leaves no other impression than a dream does it is quite true that although I should afterwards have a mind either to rejoice at any pleasure or to be sorry at any affliction it is not in my power to do so just as a sensible person would not be glad or sorry about what he had dreamed for now our Lord has been pleased to awaken me and free my soul from all that which before made me have such feelings because then I was not truly mortified nor dead to the things of this world may his majesty grant that I may become blind no more in this way my reverend father I do live now and I trust your reverence will beg of God that he will either take me to himself or give me means to serve him may his majesty grant that what I have written here may be of some advantage to your reverence I have not written this account without trouble on account of the little leisure I have had but happy will this trouble be if I have said anything to the purpose and if our Lord shall have received thereby only one act of praise I should then consider my labor fully repaid even though your reverence were to burn all I have written immediately I would not wish however this to happen till those three persons have seen it whom your reverence knows since they are and have been my confessors for if what I have written be bad it is proper they should lose the good opinion they have of me and if what I have said be good they are holy and learned men and I know they will perceive once it comes and they will praise him who has spoken by my mouth may his majesty always protect your reverence and make you so great saint that you may with your spirit and zeal enlighten this miserable creature who has such little humility and so much boldness in having presumed to write about such high subjects God grant that I may not have fallen into any error for my desire and intention were to do my best and to obey and also that our Lord might receive some praise through my means and this is what I have begged of him these many years but since I have had no good words of my own for this purpose I have presumed to put in order this irregular life of mine though without bestowing on it any more attention or time than was necessary for writing it thus mentioning those things which have happened to me I have spoken with all the truth and plainness I was able since our Lord is powerful may he be pleased for if he will he can that in all things I may be able to do his will and not allow this soul to be lost which his majesty has been pleased by so many ways and means and so often to deliver from hell and to draw so near to himself amen laos deo end of chapter 40 end of the life of saint Teresa by Teresa of Jesus translated by the reverend John Dalton