 Item Number – SCP-504 Object Class – Safe Special Containment Procedures – All seeds, plants, fruit, crossbreeds, and other products of SCP-504 are to be classified as SCP-504. SCP-504 seeds need no special containment, other than to prevent misuse by unauthorized personnel. Known SCP-504 plants and their fruit should be kept in soundproof rooms. Guards and researchers assigned to maturing or growing SCP-504 are to be equipped with radio-enabled masks, which insulate non-transmitted sound, and are to be instructed to avoid attempts at humor. Description – SCP-504 is a species of tomato, physically and genetically identical to that of the typical commercially grown tomato. It was recovered in f***ing Kentucky, after a woman reported to the police that her farmer husband had been murdered by his lunch. The Foundation is currently working to identify and destroy loose strains of SCP-504 in the surrounding commercial farming areas. When a poor attempted humor is made verbally within human hearing range of SCP-504's tomatoes, they instantly accelerate to a speed of at least 100 miles per hour, approximately 160 kilometers an hour, and 45 meters a second, in the direction of the sound source. Only matured tomatoes, separated from their vines in less than 10% rotted or chemically compromised, exhibit this effect once each. Tomatoes do not have to be physically intact, though ingested tomatoes are usually insulated enough from sound to prevent their effects before neutralization by stomach acid. SCP-504 tomatoes seem to reach speeds relative to the inciting attempted humor. Relevant variables seem to include corniness, humor to length ratio, and use of puns. Language appears irrelevant. Note – whoever snuck SCP-504 into the cafeteria kitchen is getting terminated. Those tomato slices are like fucking shurikens, Dr. Blast. Log of tests with SCP-504 Item – One mature SCP-504 tomato Subject – D-504-1 Spoken – Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool opotamus? Result – No change in velocity Item – One mature SCP-504 tomato Subject – D-504-1 Spoken – What's an archaeologist, someone whose career is in ruins? Result – Tomato clocked at 124 miles per hour. Subjects suffered a broken nose. Notes – It appears that SCP-504 has a certain taste in jokes. This might indicate sapience. I hope not. Dr. Blast Item – One mature SCP-504 tomato Subject – D-504-2 Spoken – Three tomatoes are walking down the street. A papa tomato, a mama tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Papa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smushes him, and says, Catch up. Result – Tomato clocked at 264 miles per hour. Subject rendered unconscious. Item – One mature SCP-504 tomato Subject – D-504-3 Spoken – So, I was going to bed, and my brother told me, Good night, don't let the bedbugs stick their proboscis in your skin and suck your blood. Good luck on a healthy dermis. Result – Two second pause before activity. Tomato clocked at… Sound barrier broken. Subject killed. Item – Three mature SCP-504 tomatoes Each from a different crossbreed. Subject – D-504-4 Spoken – If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, Cause you'll get a fake cavity. Result – All three tomatoes clocked at exactly 145 miles per hour. Subject injured. Two teeth dislodged. Item – One mature SCP-504 tomato Split into quarters. Subject – D-504-5 Spoken – I tried to walk into target, but I missed. Result – All four pieces clocked at 212 miles per hour. Subject severely injured. Right eye destroyed by piece of tomato. Item – One mature SCP-504 tomato Subject – CD player playing harmful if swallowed. 2003 – Dane Cook Result – Tomato clocked 167 miles per hour. CD player destroyed. Notes – It works with recordings. Damn it! Didn't even have to deal with class Ds in the first place. Dr. Blast. Item – Three mature SCP-504 tomatoes One for each test subject. Subject – After the introduction to the following news item, bomb blows hole in Lenin statue. The three following jokes were made. Test subject one. Ooh, that's gonna leave a marks. Result – Tomato number one twitched, but did not displace from its original location. Test subject two. BBC is just stalling the good news. Result – Tomato clocked at 152 miles per hour. Chipped tooth and hairline jaw fracture. Test subject three. That blows. Result – Tomato clocked at Subject is hospitalized with a massive skull fracture. Notes – I thought we'd just established that recordings work in place of live subjects. I know how much you guys hate the class Ds, especially D504-12. Poor guy might not even recover before termination rolls around, but I'm making it clear that whoever oversaw this round of testing is getting a serious reprimand. The same goes for whoever leaked its video logs to the staff. Dr. Blast. Item – One mature SCP-504 tomato Subject – Television playing the SNL Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton skit. Result – Tomato reacted as if confused. Slow motion video shows three separate bursts of speeds in excess of 200 miles per hour, two incidences of motion at normal throwing speeds, and one unprecedented instance of backward motion, all in the one trajectory. Dr. King hypothesizes that the tomato was unsure whether or not to take it seriously. Item – One mature SCP-504 tomato Subject – A portable computer playing a pre-recorded engineering joke. Transcript – 2009 is going to be a complex year. We already know the real part. We still have to find the imaginary part. Result – Supersonic blast detected. Computer was completely vaporized by the tomato's kinetic energy. Sensor readings indicate an approximate speed of 3,500 kilometers an hour, or 2,174 miles per hour. Item – One mature SCP-504 tomato Subject – A portable computer playing a partial audio recording of the Monty Python's sketch. The funniest joke in the world. Transcript – When is Das Nunstruck Gitun Slahtermeyer? Ja, Bayerhun Das Ode Dei Flipperwald Gersput. Result – Tomato explodes. Debris clocked at 137 miles per hour. Computer heavily coated by debris. Keyboard ruined by exposure to liquid matter. All other components proved functional after cleanup. Item – One mature SCP-504 tomato Subject – A portable computer playing the text of SCP-904 Result – Data expunged. Lesson complete. If you missed the previous orientation, go watch SCP-503, the luckiest man in the world, right now. Or for the complete course, watch this playlist.