 Some sunny, beautiful Lewis and May. People don't usually clap for that part of me. One time a lady in the back she was like, Awww. Lisa's not. I always lived here. I lived away for a few years and I kept in touch with people back home. These are some things that people from Lewis and May say on the phone. Yeah, we found this new place we really love at. No bed bugs. I'll say, well, guess we missed the balloon festival again. I'll say, yeah, I remember that place. Yeah, I think it's a weed store now. I reached a personal milestone recently, a small one, but it was real. I just bought my second ever can of shaving cream. 31 years old. So obviously they don't make the stuff that I've been using since high school anymore. So I had to buy something new and it smells exactly like Axe Body Spray. That's not the weird part. The weird part is how much my girlfriend loves it. Because apparently she's a 13-year-old knock-drop princess. Which, once you get into it, actually explains the clove cigarettes and all the little bottles of blackberry vodka that I find around the house. At least some emo kids in the crowd. Other than this. Yeah. I'm kidding about that, by the way. She's not 13. My girlfriend is a corona. Like me, despite my face. And we actually just moved in together fairly recently. Thank you, yes. This is a small milestone, right? Yeah, we moved in together, which is really when I realized that this girl is just a total keeper. Wait. No, that's not it. Hoarder. So if anybody's looking for about five identical casserole dishes, 13 years of Vogue magazine, or two completely useless children. Yeah, apparently we're not selling. Just got a dog for my kid, actually. So we can learn some responsibility from watching me take care of it. Just a second here. Whenever I lose a sock, I always keep the survivor. Just in case I have a mishap at sea. And we need one from that on. That's a peg leg joke. Glad you guys were into it. That's a risky one. I also had a moment of redemption recently, another tiny milestone in my life. I was doing some adult stuff, some grown-up stuff, with a power tool. And my father held the flashlight for me. Who's the pathetic incompetent man? You see that? Because what I need you to do is I need you to shine the light on what I'm working on, not on my hands while I do it. What are you even pointing at? What are you, daydreaming? I didn't get to say any of those things. I did a spectacular job. I did, however, get to enjoy a silent passing of the torch. No. Because British people, they call flashlights torches. They take this. Alright, that's okay. We'll keep moving. There's something that's been on my mind recently. Let's think about it. Who is it who does the embroidery on the patches for motorcycle gangs? Is it one of the gang members? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. One of the brothers? The brother. Yeah, one of those. Does every motorcycle gang just keep one wimpy guy with really nimble fingers? Like nah, Leroy don't ride it. But the man can chain the stitch of bloody skull that he wouldn't believe. It's immaculate. Are they just waiting in line at cap sawn with everybody else, like with the Little League coaches? Like yeah, I'm here to pick up an order for old janky. No, it's not. It should be two dozen flaming penis crucifixes. Next week? Next week is good. Could gain the sweet coach. Watch out for that when you're leaving. While I have a few minutes up here, I would like to take this opportunity to take the moral high ground real quick. We as Americans, I think, really need to take some time to reflect. We need to look at ourselves, honestly, and think, who are the people who are holding down? Who are the people who are holding back? Who are the people who give the most and get the least? It should be obvious that I am talking about magicians. What twisted is our social order? That your average magician gets less respect than your average bartender. We all like drinks. I get it. But the man is a damn wizard. A bartender can help you drown your sorrows. That's true. Magicians don't drown. A bartender can mix up a magical potion that will make your wife very horny. Yes, good trick. Appreciate that. A magician, on the other hand, can make your mistress disappear. A bartender can make your money disappear. That is another good trick. That is a good one. They're good at it. Gotta give them that. All Morlock over here needs is two fingers and a child's ear, and he can literally create money. Out of thin air. 50 cent piece. Well, I'm not saying I have any problem with bartenders. I don't. In fact, I'm going to try my own magic trick in a few minutes here. I'm going to go over there. I'm going to try to order a drink after telling this joke. Let's see if I can get served. No. What I am saying is that I think that we are wasting a valuable resource. And we're wasting them on what? On Las Vegas and birthday parties? Come on, people. Let's think about this. The opportunity's here, right? What about economics, right? Who's better at dealing with inflation than a party entertainer? Animal balloons. You take these gas prices, you twist me up a monkey, Merlin. I'm all right, that's a work. What about conflict? What's going on over there in Europe? Don't you think Anne Frank would have been a little more comfortable when she could have saw herself in half? Oddly, there's not a lot that a magician can do about tip shows. But there is something that you can do when you come to a tip show. And that's don't leave right at the end. Don't leave as soon as we finish. We are going to pass around a tip jar at the end. We appreciate your generosity. Which brings me to my next trick. Coming up to the stage next. All the way from Portland, Oregon is the talented Marla Massey. Thanks everybody. An action comedian came here all the way from Portland, Oregon. Why privilege? You know, there's not that city. I like the fact that there are food carts that stay open all fucking night. So after ingesting copious amounts of edibles, I could just walk up to the poke place and be like, uh, the slamming, it's a salmon bowl. Salmon, salmon please, thank you, thank you very much. There's some avocados on it, bitch. How's everybody doing? Are you guys from Cleveland, Ohio? Now the people say to me, he's from Akron, which is 30 minutes outside of Cleveland. And secondly, are you asking me this because we're both from the same area? Or is it because we're both black? And no cap, I actually do know the bronchins. And he went to a Catholic high school too. His school came to my school, totally wiped the floor with our school's basketball team. And everybody at my school was like, oh my god. Gonna become the next number 23. He's not going to get a deal with Nike. He's definitely not going to join the Cleveland Cavaliers. So, yeah, that shit had happened. Who's the multi-millionaire now? Him, not me. I'm flying across the country from one Portland to the next. And doing shows in dilapidated speakeasies. That was not a happy move. It was so not happy. Next husband. And we're in divorce court, right? I'm following paperwork, crossed my T's, dotting my I's. And this man had the audacity to look at me and say, I'm so fucking glad this shit's over. You were like a splinter to me. You got underneath my skin and you're painful to do it. I'm so fucking glad this is over. And I was like, oh, I'm a splinter. Okay, well, you are a sovereign young bloke. And before I could finish, this man turned to the judge who was like, oh, a sovereign young bloke. She's saying that because I've aged like a fine wine. And I'm like, no, man. I'm saying that because you leave a dry chalky taste in my mouth and you're white. Go fuck yourself. I'm in spot four in 67, man. Like, what the fuck? Three years. And together for six, and I've known him for 15 years. That's an incredibly long time to know somebody. And, you know, you see the red flags, but, you know, I'm a Virgo, I'm a hard-headed. I thought I could change him. He hated that I did stand-up comedy. And then there was one time he tricked me into doing meth. But, no, the biggest red flag in our entire marriage was that we met on my space. And Tom is sitting there smiling like that. He's like, that's not how you're supposed to smile. Like, he would give me headaches, and I would just take it all the time. Like, for no reason to argue with me over what he liked to call my reckless and impulsive spending habits. What does that mean? Anybody? Okay, raise your hand in here if you're gainfully employed. You have a job. You have a job? You can spend your money however you want. You can spend your money however you want. Cool. So if I want to spend $692.17 a pet smart, I can, right? The cat with the only black pussy will pay attention to you for three straight months. I should probably let you guys know I have a little black cat at home. He's my schmooftie pie. I love him to death. I named him T'Challa, because he looks like a little black panther, and I'm in a marble household. Fuck DC, all right? My husband did not like that name. He goes, T'Challa. I don't like that name. I wanted to name him Baby Cakes. I'm like, first of all, your name is Joe. Shut up. He didn't like Shadow, didn't like Midnight, definitely didn't like little black ass niggas, so we thought about the name. Man, there's enough of you in this room. Why are you guys weird? Why do you do the dumb shit that you do? Okay, listen. I had to leave the house. I had to go to the post office. I had to go to the post office to pick up a package, and as I am halfway down the stairs, I'm like, oh shit, I forgot my little mail inform. I go upstairs. I am opening up my own bedroom door, and my now ex-husband is just... Oh, shit, what are you doing? Get ready for a nap. Aggressive dick jerking. What? Granted, I was doing that shit when I was married, too, but now I don't feel that restricted to doing things that white people like to do. Here's enough activities you find. What's that white-ass word? Like that shit. There's a bear shit in the woods? Probably. I don't want to lie. You want to come? No, Jan. No, that's all I had to say about that. Caucasian men on that app, and you look closer, and it's your actual brother. Aggressive man on his profile said he was 6'4". He told me that he thought I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen on this app. That was a lie. That is a fucking straight-up lie. You telling me that there's bitches out there that look like Rihanna and you're telling me, I'm the fuck out of here. I needed my ego stroke, so I went to his profile. And, you know, after reading his stats, I decided to read what was actually in his profile, and that was a mess. It was a mess. Because in big bold letters, and I don't even know how you can put bold letters in your Tinder profile, it said, I love chocolate women and had six candy bar emojis. Brown shades looking like the cover of a Drake album. Thanks for your kind, very sweet words. But if you want some chocolate, please take yourself to CVS or Walgreens and get yourself a Snickers, because you're not you when you're hungry. 25% of maps. Thanks, everybody. Let's keep it rolling. Coming up next to the stage is Sarah Karen. I'll be honest with you. How's everybody doing? It occurred to me the other day. We were going into our junior year of COVID, you guys. Yep, one more here and we're going to graduate. Software year was rough. Some of us dropped out. Mostly the seniors. You know what junior year means? It's safe to have sex again. Yeah, I did some fun stuff during COVID. I got a divorce too, Marla. Yeah, that was cool. It's all right. It's all right. I mean, I had a beautiful 20-year marriage. We have a lovely friendship. We have a great kid. And I have to say all of that because it's in the settlement agreement. And my divorce attorney is here. She will tell you that's true. She's laughing. No, she really is here. Yeah, a more difficult transition for me, though, has actually been that my gynecologist retired. Oh, my God! I too! Oh, shit! Oh, wait! The doctor in is that the two men who've been looking at my vagina for the last 20 years have both moved on to greater action. Gynecologists do when they retire. They have a happy and lovely relationship. I think they have finger pain. It's hard to break the habit. Maybe cave exploration. That's gross. Who said that? Just think of things. So yeah, major transition. So divorce. I knew gynecologists this year, which is, it's all right. But my therapist also was like, hey, I don't think there's any more I can do for you. Really? What does that say about me fundamentally as a person? This is it? This is all we've got. All right, well, I'll work with it, but it really isn't helping with my abandonment issues, Andrea. I have to admit that. We'll move on. It's fine. So this year I'm dating. I'm trying it out. It's okay. I don't understand it, though. It's different now because 20 years ago, the last person I dated actually had a pager. He wasn't a doctor, a drug dealer, or a pimp. He just was special. Yeah, so it's different now. Technology is odd. Marla was talking about Tinder. I haven't tried that. I did try to set up a dating profile on Facebook, though. Facebook is very useful. I wasn't really sure how to describe myself, though. I feel like your ex is actually the right person. I feel great. They'll just lay it all out there, and then you don't have to... Yeah, yeah. I think if I were to design my own dating profile, it would be my physical attributes that I find quirky. So for instance, I'm six feet tall, which in itself is odd for a woman, but also I have a really tiny head. Yeah, and little feet. So I feel like you add inappropriate footwear and alcohol and you have a recipe for disaster. It's like if someone gave a draft too much booze. You should get some wrinkly pollen. You should know that before you date, right? You should know that about me before you date. I feel like it's an important thing to know. I do have an actual recipe for disaster. It's a dash of I don't care and two cups of nobody died. It's called I don't give a shit. And you can follow me on Pinterest for more recipe ideas. That's right. Yes. Yeah, so dating is weird. The dick pick thing I don't get. Are we in favor? Because if a woman my age gets a dick pick, the only thing we're thinking about is how if you're going to send me a picture of sausage, it has better be next to a mimosa. Because a 45-year-old white woman just wants to go to brunch. Nothing to do with that. Keep it away from us. Gross. You should also know if you date me that have you guys heard of RBF before? Yeah. I don't have that. I like to call resting retail face. I don't know where the light bulbs are, but Arsha, I will help you find them. Ask someone who does work here. Thank you. Does anybody else have that? I feel like it's just like one of those things where you're just super friendly and outgoing and people are like, why not? Sounds good. Yeah, I've got my set list on my hand. Now you know. So I am an adult with an adult child. He'll be 18. Yeah, I know. Weird, right? But all of my friends are having babies. I know, ropes. Ropes. Yeah, babies. Too old for that. This uterus is all dried up. You should know that too. I only had a baby and they named her Barbara. Right? No, I don't get me wrong. I have no problem with the name Barbara. It's a lovely name if you're 70 years old. No, am I not wrong? You don't name a baby Barbara. Baby Barbara? Barbara works in human resources. Yeah. She drives a Suburban. And all three of her kids play soccer. Her is not a baby name. Barbara's married to Gary. Bro and Kay and Stockholm. And a dad bod at the age of five. Barbara though, because she's born in Bruce from I.T. He seems super boring, but he has a porn stash and a boat. So Barbara's punching up. I spend too much time on Facebook these days. I did find something recently that I found very useful there though. Did you know that Facebook tells you when it's time to delete a friend? No. It's called birthday reminders. You get a list of people you don't really know. You can make a decision. You can choose to wish them a happy birthday. Or you can kick a bitch out. With all those people on your Facebook friends, that's too many people. If you don't care that it's Barbara's birthday, bye Barbara. Right? So I've also discovered something about myself. Much like Victor's girlfriend, it turns out that I am a hoarder. I know this because I was sorting my bras the other day. 64 bras sometimes. Between the everyday bras, which just are normal, and sports bras for the gym and then the fancy bras that nobody sees because duty was stupid. 64 bras. And I imagine what that episode of Hoarders was going to look like. Right? They're going to interview my neighbors. They're going to be out like cat carcasses. They're going to be wrapped up in the straps. Little mice making hammocks out of the cups. My neighbors will be interviewed and they'll be like she was always so perky. We had no idea anything was wrong. Even her more support. So I'm not being honest with you. I have gone on a couple of dates. It's hard not to, because you get a little lonely and you sort your bras. So I went out with a guy and we had just ordered our dinner and he looked at me and he said you don't seem like the kind of woman who would order a cheeseburger. You know who I look like? The kind of girl who says she's going to the bathroom and then doesn't come back. Day drinking. And yoga. Oh, that's fine. You would think so. But the only position I really mastered was the one night stand. And we're both like namaste. Just praying it's not a child's pose. I have become Facebook friends three years in a row. The month of September. Our next comic is coming from either Worcester or Boston. He wasn't too prepared about that. His name is Zach Valencia. What's up guys? How you doing? That's awesome up here in Auburn. I've never been to Auburn made. I've been to this place. Do love doing comedy in a fucking cave. Pretty nice. They got the caveman paintings. No, look, I know that I looked like if Matt Damon and Jeffrey Dahmer had a kid. A little bit about myself. I drive for DoorDash sometimes. I drive for DoorDash. Anyone else drive for it? No, I'm the only poor and skillist one. I do these at open mics sometimes. A lot of dashers at open mics. Skillist people. I drive for DoorDash. I like to think of it as being like a legal drug dealer, right? We both drive around all day to deliver stuff to people. Drug dealers do some of the drugs they deal. I eat some of the food I deliver. I usually DoorDash at night. I'm a nighttime guy, but there are really two parts of the night for a DoorDash driver. You got dinner time, then later on you got drug addict time. It gets a little sketchy. Dinner time is easy. Best case scenario, big house, big tip. Worst case scenario, you forget scary Karen salad. Don't fuck with Karen when she's making dinner. Drug addict time's a little different. 50 cent tip. Worst case scenario, I maybe try crack and move in with them. It's me, I don't trust. Not that. But the drunks they'll forget what's going on sometimes. They forget. You got to remind them. You got to go in Seoul. I point to the bag of my DoorDash, remember? I went to get, oh, let them know not to crack DoorDash. It's 2 a.m. you ordered medium fried from McDonald's. DoorDash. You got to go slow with the crack heads. They're like scared horses. You got to know them better. Make them feel safe. They look at you except. No, DoorDash is a weird job. I work a lot of weird jobs. I love weird jobs. For a while I was working part-time at the Amazon warehouse. But I had to quit. I had to. You know what it's like to do jobs that disappoint your parents. DoorDash and Amazon throwing up, trying stand-up coffee. We got what's called a silent household. Very good. When I was working at Amazon a lot of people would ask me, they'd say hey, if you see my package, can you grab it for me? Hey, just fucking wait. It's two day shipping. It's not that bad. Even if I did see your package what do you want me to do? Call you up when I get out of work? Hey, I know it's two in the morning but you want those wine glasses you ordered? They say it's wine time on it. Do you need those right now? Two in the morning? Is it wine time right now? Just fucking wait, man. Amazon was a weird job. It was brutal. They have one good thing though. It was this thing called VTO. Voluntary time off. If it was a slow day, there weren't many packages. They yell out VTO and a few people could go home. I loved it. I would shelf the 58-year-old widow or pen. VTOS. Fucking, I'm going home. They yell it out. I'm running over al-bowing people out in the conveyor belt. I wanted, it's mine. I was here first. And everybody else would look at me very calmly like, yeah, you got it, bud. It's a four-hour shift. It's really not that bad. Yeah, we're going to ride this one out. It's still walking away. See you later, Alcell. Let's hook my dick. I'm running out. I loved it, man. I'd always end it, too. I'd end the shift by taking a nice long shit on the wall. One of those shits you got to pull up the news app. Start reading old articles. It's going to be like, I'm milking this out, you know? But it was funny, written on the bathroom stall. I'm not even kidding. Written on the stall. It just said Brooks was here, so was Red. I'm glad. It's a suicide reference from the movie Shawshank. Let me put it this way. People at Amazon had suicide on their mind. Not surprising. Not surprising. But anytime I was taking one of those BTO shits, no one about to leave right after, I would just stare at it and whisper, not me, not today. I'm out of here. I got a poor work ethic, man. A really poor work ethic. I didn't get started back in high school football. I played football in high school. Anybody else? Football in high school? You did? What position, sir? Running back. Fuck, man. I wish I was running back. I played left bench. I wasn't very good at football. Let me put it this way. We had a kick with autism on our football team. Very nice kid. One time we were up by a lot of points, close to the end zone. They let him run the ball in for a touchdown. Also, the only time I got put in the game. It was a tough day. What's wrong with me? What are you hiding from me, mom? What did you not tell me? They put me on a fence of line, too. They were looking at me now. Back then, I was 5'2", 100 pounds. Are we trying to hurt the kid with autism? I thought we were trying to be nice to him. No, it was like a prearranged thing. We snapped the ball. The defender just stood up slowly and lightly touched me. I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me. This is all I get. Two years of practice. Of course, I look over and my mom's taking a picture on the sideline. I don't do that. Only picture I have from my school football. Just a guy softly touching my toes. What the fuck is going on in my life? It's weird, man. You can tell I haven't lived up to my dad's expectations if you haven't picked up on that yet. I know my dad has big expectations, like big ones. The biggest expectation my dad ever had for me is probably when he bought me a large athletic cup. I couldn't live up to that one. The year I told him I was playing football, he bought me an adult, large athletic cup for my birthday. I was in 7th grade. I opened it up. He's like, now you're ready to get in there, big man. Is that why you called me big man? If you shouldn't. I thought that was a dad thing. I was 4'9", in 7th grade. Not when my clothing was adult large. Never mind a cup. I couldn't tell him, did you think this was my size? Are you messing with me? But then he made me come with him to the store to return it the next day. Wow. Even maybe go up to the cashier, like I just stole a candy bar, and go on tell him what happened. A cup was too big, he's like, it's right too big. What the fuck is this, dad? Jesus. My dad's a weird guy. He's a weird guy. My mom and dad went to the gay pride parade together to show a local sport, like they're progressive people, right? The only problem I had with it was that I was from it on Facebook, and in the picture he was wearing a shirt that said I wish my son was gay. What a new information to me. He even tagged me in the post. I mean, dad saw the post on Facebook. He's like, yeah, isn't that nice picture? No, it's nice. It makes me a little curious though. He's like, good to hear that's what I wanted. Oh, whoa, hold on. They're curious about why you have the shirt. Did you get that today at the parade or just support someone? He's like, no, I've had the shirt for a while. That's what I'm confused. Not in the way he wants me to be, just generally. I don't know. I have no idea what it was. I guess I'm just going to be one of the few straight men that resent their father, not accepting my sexuality. I don't know, man. Whatever. I parked my car the other day. I was going to just leave my car running, hop in the store real quick, grab my thing, and go back out. It was like right in front. But when I got out, there was a homeless dude sitting there. He was a little desperate looking. He wasn't one of those harmless street decoration homeless guys. He had kind of just climbed in. It's almost like they're supposed to be there. Almost like they're, no, he was desperate looking. He had his hand on the wall. He looked like a kid before a dodgeball game. Had his hand on the wall, leaning forward. I got nervous. I thought he might take some of my shit. I walked the car. I walked the car. But right as I walked it, I looked to my left. There's a group of black dudes standing there. Just standing there. But they saw me walk the car and then look at them right after. They think I walked it because of them. And I'm like, whoa, hold on. I'm trying to, like, book at the home. It's coming down. It's fucking too late. So I got nervous. And I unlocked the car. But I went inside. I got back home. My car was gone. But the homeless guy and the group of dudes both still there. I didn't know what happened. I found out later when I got my car back in a group of high schoolers games. Saw my car running, took it for a joy. High schoolers do that, right? What's the moral of the story? I don't trust any of you motherfuckers. I'm double walking my car for everybody. If I see, like, an old grandma walking down the street who can barely walk. Like, she's got the cane. I'm double walking the car. I don't know what she's up to. I have no idea what she's up to, man. I lived near Fall River for a bit. People can fake a disability. Okay, I think that. You guys might not know that area. But all right, thank you guys for listening. No comedian for the evening. This is one of the river comics himself. The master. It's a hot crowd. It's a beautiful crowd. Look at you. It's up for you. That's the one I can see. I'm sorry. You're lucky. Why are you wearing your vest? Like, what? Did you gain some weight? It's okay. I did too. I did too. When we started the pandemic, I had like a 32 inch waist on my pants, right? And now I have a lie. It's okay. No, it's all right. Are you 42 yet? No. I wish I could say I wasn't 42 then. I'm 42. This is what you have to look forward to. I am you from the future, okay? This is it. This is what you're going to be divorced from. So... So get in. Tip show, right? No. That's disgusting. This is great. Thanks guys for coming down here to the set of every Edgar Allan Poe play. I love it down here. Except for the heartbeat under the floorboards. I don't know. Only a couple English majors on the room. Edgar Allan Poe, he wrote some fucked up shit. He did, man. Like Cask of Amontillado and some other ones. Tell, tell hard. That's the one I wrote. Okay, good like that. These jokes are hard to write. Not as hard as it is to fit in that fucking vest. I've actually... I've been working on... What do you say? Don't say 220. Ah, 245. 245, really? I told him not to wear the vest tonight. I'm going to be divorced. Alright, that's enough. Okay, that's enough. That's enough. Someone mentioned my hair. Oh yeah, Victor mentioned my hockey hair. I actually... I grew my... portion of the show. I have other jokes I actually wrote and I think they're terrible. I'll see if you guys love it. I did... I have really short hair like before the pandemic. I just blew it out. But I had a real jaw hub. So I had to get it cut a little bit. And I went to the bar the other day and I said, hey, can you trim this up and make me look a little more midlife crisis? A little less actual crisis? So this is what we've got. She said, we're going to vote for a Bradley Cooper star of the porn in the end. That's what we're going to get in the end. I'm like, in the end he kills himself. And she's like, I know. Actually during the pandemic I did consider the home porn. I also thought about baking my own bread. So... I committed suicide. We played Little League Baseball together. And I committed suicide recently. It's very sad. I know. But I wrote a joke about it. We played Little League Baseball together and then we lost touch. And I thought, well, Jesus Christ, if like through high school and college and into adulthood, I had just worked a little bit harder to be friends with them just like, you know, what, is it 5% more? Who knows what could have been changed. But guys, listen, I'm not going to kill myself to keep him from killing himself. My name is Victor Dumann. I've been making fun of myself. How about that? I'm 42 years old. I am. When I was... 29? When I was 29... Are you guys married? Not yet? So when you come back next week, sit in the back. I'm saying, come along if you want. I am 42. I did recently have to start working out again. When you're 42, you've got to start slow, guys. You've got to start real slow. So I was like, all right, what's the slowest, what's the easiest exercise? You can head, shoulders, knees and toes. As a 42-year-old, it's not worked out a little while. It's head, shoulders, knees, knees, knees, knees, build buckle penis. And that's why I can't go to Planet Fitness anymore. I do like to wear those little short shorts where the underwear is built in. Right? You see those? They're very comfortable when you're wearing them. Not so much with the people behind you. They were gray and now they're black. Five minutes on the treadmill. Thank you, guys. I could do just about anything, right? You're going to wear them? No, that's right. I did the suicide thing and you guys did that. That's all right. That's okay. Yeah, 42-years-old. Just so you know that the secret to marriage for those who are married here and for those who might want to be married someday, the secret to marriage is this, because I used to be married. This is the secret. Pay attention. Listen up. Turn your phones on. Start recording. Write this down. When your wife comes home and says, hey, we're going to go gluten-free, you don't say I'm going to fuck the neighbor for macaroni and cheese then. There's a lawyer in the room. She can talk to her. Now, we got divorced. We had it all right, man. We had a couple kids and we got divorced on Halloween, but we hadn't told the kids yet. That's not the best day to get divorced. We haven't told the kids yet. Because you're still going to take them trick-or-treating. You got one last chance to dress up like a family. You got one last chance to dress up like a family. I heard her say under her breath at one point, hey, check that candy for razors. Poison and alimony. Poison and alimony. I'm doing okay, though. That was a few years ago now. I'm fine. Actually, during the pandemic, I had some booty calls. Just saying. In honor of the pandemic, we got to rename the booty call. There's something better than the booty call. That seems... I don't know. It's been done. In honor of the pandemic, I got three options for you guys. The first one is Dub, hubba, hubba. Uber Mimi. It was a 4-dash. The password for that app is Hello Fresh. I did have a woman say to me, Hey, how many are primal urges? I was like, Do I look like a guy who has primal urges to you? I look more like an out-of-work builder bear. I looked more like every member of the band, Berenicka Ladies, rolled into one. She's like, no, pull my hair and spang me. I said the same time. I did it. I did it. You remember Wilson from Castaway? Tom Hansen. You know, as we get older, I mean, I need my agrar, right? You know, sorry, I didn't mean you. He's 29. He's a little overweight, but he doesn't need my agrar. If he can find it, because when he runs, it goes inside itself. That's actually me. Anyways. They found out Viagra causes melanoma. I don't know if you guys know this, but Viagra has been known to cause melanoma. I want to say it's the old people fucking outdoors in Florida. I don't know for sure. They do have women's Viagra now. They got the pink pill. Just like every other medication on the market comes with side effects. You know, vomiting, diarrhea, nausea, all the things you want during sex. Let's tell you what. If you're wet and it's last more than four hours, seek my attention.