 Tomorrow I'm turning 21. Last year, near this time, I made a video called I'm Turning 20 and I'm Scared. And I'm pleased to let you know that not only am I turning 21, but I am terrified. Let's talk about this last year. I guess this is part where I can get a little bit more, you know, real with you guys just, you know, a little bit of reflection on last year, I guess. Last year, when it was my birthday, my mom was still going through chemo treatments for cancer. And during that time, man, like if you guys have ever had somebody very close to you go through something that scary or lost a loved one, like it gives you, it changes your perspective and gives you real world perspective and forces you to deal with the questions that maybe would be in the back of your head. But if you never go through it, those doubts and those questions never really come to the forefront. Like, why has God allowing us this? Why is, why does suffering happen? Why can there really be meaning in this trial? That really, that like, I feel like that sped up my growth, my relationship with God because it was getting to the point where it was either going to break or I was just going to come back to him. And I knew there was no, no chance I was going to leave God and no, no, like even the questions, even the doubts, but later, later in that, in that year, my mom was, was cancer free. So that was really like an amazing thing. This year I published a book and this is not, I tried to like, I, this is not like an achievement like, oh, this is what I did. This is what I did. I want to talk about some of the stuff behind it. So let me just jump into it. I guess I've been on this kind of journey of how do, how do I put it? Grace and shame and understanding how Christians, my, mainly myself, still deal with shame even after your Christian. So I could put it this way, guilt and there's crossover. But guilt is feeling bad for, you know, things we do. Shame is really feeling bad for who we are. And for my whole life, I've been in this, this really battle with doing more of earning God's love of earning other people's approval of, of, of trying to do enough to give myself the license to feel forgiven, to feel love, to feel, to feel happy. And when I look at the gospel and I think sometimes as conservative Christians, and I want to talk a little bit more about this in another video, but sometimes we can get, we can forget a little bit about the full, the fuller perspective of the gospel. So often I explained it like when I would explain the gospel, I'd say it's, it's, we've all done wrong. We've, you know, Romans 323, we've all fallen short of the glory of God. And then, but Jesus came to this earth fully God and fully man died and the cross saved us of our sin. He took that punishment that we deserved, but we often forget about the beginning. God created us in his image. We are created in his image. We have intrinsic worth. And for me, and I think other maybe people that grew up in the conservative Christian kind of sector or whatever you want to call it, but we can get in this mindset so much even once we're saved of you're bad, you're, you're, you can't do anything. And it crosses over into where it's not even just about like our moral standing, like, yes, we have sin, but it comes into like kind of a personhood, who we, who we are. We're worthless. We don't, we, we can't, you know, all these things that, that really sometimes they eat me up inside like, and, and so in, in trying to figure out how, how to find peace, how to find rest. I've been on this and I think 20, you know, 2020 or whatever. I'm still going to continue this journey, but, but I know, see, this is, this is the thing here. I can say to you guys all this stuff, like, hey, once Jesus is, you know, once you've received Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, once you have repented for your sin and trusted in Christ, that shame that you once had, right? Once wiped away your new creation in Christ. I can say that to you, but in my own heart, I'm still wrestling with that. I'm still wrestling with being able to say, look, you can rest in Christ, Christ in His grace. You can rest and you don't have to work for it. You don't have to be sad just because you feel like you haven't gotten to where you need to get to. Like, it's really, and if you've, I guess I want to put it some like this a little bit. Like, are you okay with you? And you know, before we were saved by Jesus, we're rebelling against Him and we really shouldn't be okay with us, right? Like, we're sinning against God, right? We needed that transformation. Once we come to Christ, obviously we're still being transformed, right? But that doesn't mean that in the moment we can't just be thankful to God and who He's made us to be. We don't always need to be sad or beating ourselves up because we're not at this next level of sanctification. Do you know what I mean? We can be okay with us in the moment and still be moving in the path of sanctification. Like, that doesn't mean we're not sorrowful over when we sin. That doesn't mean we, we don't like continue to strive towards, you know, being Christ-like. But it means like in the moment, I don't have to beat myself up because I'm not perfect because I don't create perfect content because I haven't accomplished the goals that I want to accomplish that I, that, you know, maybe my book didn't sell as much as I wanted it to or had expectations for like, that's not what it's about. You can rest. And that, that's really, that's at the heart really of where I'm at is having so many, you know, I watched the video from, you know, last year and just talking about so many things I want to accomplish. Well, this year I did accomplish some of those things. And what I'm learning really is that, that for me at my heart right now, like, that doesn't, that's not fulfilling, satisfying, like, right? Like, what I'm learning is that I'm, that those things, and I've said it before, obvious, like I, I've made videos about this, but for me to learn this stuff, like truly in my heart to, to be transformed and understand it and internalize this stuff, it takes time. But that stuff doesn't, that stuff doesn't fulfill me. That stuff doesn't, doesn't make God love me anymore. So I guess what I'm saying is if you are in a space, I don't want to make this video too long, but if you're in a space where you know you've repented for your sin, you've trusted in Christ and you're, you're still in bondage to shame, you're not okay with you and you don't see yourself as worthwhile or you don't see yourself as, as how God sees you, as created in his image, as his child, as, it's not like God, like, like God cared about you so much that he died for you, right? Like he, it's not like he was like looking down on you and being like, those guys are absolutely terrible. And because I hate them so much, I'm going to die for their sins. No, like obviously God hates sin and he hates those who continue. And the Bible talks about hates those who continue to rebel against him and willful sin, but those that he is bringing to his side, he loves and he died for you and he says it was worth it. And, and you can continue to, and I can continue to continue to strive for whatever it is, is our dream. And we can continue to try to find things that will fulfill us. But at the, but ultimately, and some of those things can be good. Like I, I'm like passionate about daily disciple ministry. I'm passionate about sharing the gospel with people. I'm passionate about helping people learn more about God and have a relationship with him and living this life out authentically in like passion towards God. Like I'm passionate about that. And I think that's a good thing. But what I want is to pursue that stuff out of love and grace for others and love for God and not in bondage to shame that tells me I'll never measure up to gaining or getting God's love. Like I'll never be something or I'll never be someone or always be worthless. And I think a lot of us deal with that. Maybe we have this good goal that's, that's kind of being distorted in some way or, or, or twisted because we have this need to either earn others' loves and acceptance or God's love and acceptance. And so we're plagued by this, this shame and this, this feeling of, of just bondage and heaviness because we have this need we can't just let go and let God's grace do what grace does. Grace sets us free. Grace heals us from our shame. God's grace. So if you are dealing with that, if you, if that something you were struggling with, you know, you're not alone, you're not alone. And, and as much as people on the internet or whatever people may seem like they have this figured out, and maybe you think, Oh, sometimes I seem that way. Like I haven't figured out. It's not true. And I'm figuring this stuff out. Like we can love God full, like we can love God as much like we can love God. We can trust him. We can repent and continue to follow him each day. And obviously we're going to fall off and obviously we're going to make mistakes and, and, and that's all part of the journey, right? But that doesn't mean that we're not. We have so many things in our lives often that baggage or just stuff that we're, we're carrying around, right? And God wants us to be free from that. But maybe in your life, you haven't realized, you haven't pinpointed what are those things that I need to let go of or I need to let God's grace come and heal that. But I'd encourage you to just kind of look in your life and just begin this, this healing journey, really, because it is, it is healing. It is God's grace is that which brings healing to our souls. And, and I know a lot of people try to, you know, split up Christianity and, and, and maybe like a mental health and all that kind of thing. But at the end of the day, God cares about our souls. He cares about our hearts. And there's a lot of heavy stuff that will encounter. And I know I have, and I know I'm constantly, not constantly, but I'm often fighting against this and I'm battling through it. And I just want to encourage you, if you're in that battle of whatever it is, whether it's like, whatever, continue to fight, it is worth it. And in God's with you. Thanks for watching guys. Love you guys. See you later.