 This week's episode is sponsored by Change. Change is an online mentoring program that teaches people with no experience how to create a real profitable online business and e-commerce. I have been working with Ryan at Change for a few years now and attended many events and got to meet the amazing community of like-minded people. These guys are the best of the best. The support these guys offer is personal, no bots or employees. There's no experience needed but like anything in life it takes time as it's a real business with real results. For more information go check out Ryan on Instagram at RyanGiB and he will guide you through the steps to help build a successful business. You can now follow me on all my social media platforms to find out who my latest guest will be and don't forget to click the subscribe button and the notifications bell so you are notified for when my next podcast goes live. I'm Boon Moron and today's guest we've got footballer David Goodwillie. How are you? I'm good James. Thanks for having me man. First and foremost thanks for coming on the show. It's a very sensitive subject and I've got to be honest no many people would touch these things. I wouldn't have went near it if it was in a court of law and you were found guilty but it was a civil case you're found guilty court of law there was no evidence would it couldn't go to court is that correct? That's correct I think there was insufficient evidence. I think the kind of reason we got the the threshold wasn't meant to go to a criminal court you know and that's just one of those things it's not to me you know it's up to the crown and I know the accuser she feels bad like rightly so about that you know but like I'm the same as her like you know I don't feel like I've had justice you know I feel like I feel like we've both been kind of putting our almost like in limbo because we're never going to get the justice that we both seek you know like I say this is a very sensitive subject I'm not a judge I'm not a jury I'm just an interviewer I feel as if everybody deserves a chance to tell their story to a degree like I say as if you were charged on a criminal court I wouldn't have had you on because it's not I mean but before we get into everything I'll just go back to the start of my guests get a bit understanding about you where you grew up how it all began yeah well I was a young boy from Stirling and kind of I don't know if you know a place called the rap lock that's where I was brought up a family you know like normal upbringing like mum and dad and still they get out of this date this is probably part of one of the reasons I'm here as well you kind of like get my mum's always on to me saying you need to speak up you know like it's been 12 years you've had all this thrown at you and I think she's getting me a right old job that I needed to delete because you almost bury your head in the sand with something else because how do you fight something like that you know people think I'm I'm this monster I'm this beast a rapist you know it's something you're you're afraid to fight but you want to fight but you don't feel you've got the courage of strength to date but I think I've been pushed around too much now and I've just kind of got to the point in life now I've got a family you know like I've probably shied away from it for too long protecting them thinking I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and I'll take care of my family but now I'm even allowed to take care of my family you know but we like it's cool eh I was a good lad if you speak to my school teachers maybe they'll say different but like I think I was just more interested football, football, football daft you know all my teachers used to say to me look you might not make it it's like one in a billion make it in football and things like that and I wish I listened now you know I wish I wish I had good education and I could walk into a decent job you know but I'll need to start for the bottom of my way up I'm looking forward to the new challenge and you started with the D-80 you have team yeah as a kid I think I was maybe I was quite a late bloomer we'd done United you know like I played youth boysclub football up until I was about probably about 14 you know and that's quite late normally you're in pro youth 12 or 12 and that you know I was training I trained with Rangers Hearts Rangers I felt uncomfortable you know the Glasgow boys and I had a strange second name so they had a field day with that and when you're that young you feel like you're getting picked on and I felt like that went to Hearts and at that time Hearts were only sending man mountains like if you weren't a six-foot two or 12 year old they wouldn't want you so I was quite a small kid and then opportunity came for Dundee United and I kind of got a trial game and I must have been about 14 I done my own a trial game and then the head scout was saying look we want you can we sign you and I said to my dad at the time what do you think and he just said go for it you know well she got to lose and then have a look back that was me where's did you make your debut I was 16 I probably thrown into it a bit too soon but I was training the first team in that 16 so I think it was Gordon Chisholm at the time he was a manager and yeah I remember he actually said to me on a Thursday like don't get me all right playing in front of a 60,000 eyebrows and I was like cheeky wee guy I went ah no bother you know easy I didn't know he was actually being serious you know so I was saying to the boys I am playing on Saturday and that he actually threw me on as a sub for the last 20 minutes I even got hammered though how was that experience that was amazing you know like because I had friends still at school like my best pals are still doing like fifth year at school and things like that and I was going back at the weekend to see them and things like and they were at school all week and I was at Ibrox playing against like the mighty rangers you know that was it and I was thinking this is mad you know so after because you were Scotland's next best finger apparently because you were scoring goals all the time you made a you got a Scotland cap as well but see how many goals did you score your first season as a young kid yeah done United oh I don't know like you know maybe I couldn't even I couldn't even remember but remember back then you would be scoring maybe three and four a game in that so as a kid in a season you'd be looking at 50 60 goals a season eh so seeing when you made your debut how many games did you have that season was that the end of the season eh that was nearer the end of the no I don't actually think it was because I actually played another game eh for I did play a few games that year I couldn't tell you how many but eh I ended up being lucky enough to actually get a game against Hibbs I always remember it and I scored a goal and things that I was 16 and then I became the youngest ever goal scorer in SPL so that was a good one to have and then eh it stayed like that for a good few years until like the boy Fraser 5 he beat it he was at Aberdeen so what you were thinking then young boy coming for a shit area youngers play to score Scottish football life going good there did you still feel pressure on yourself I don't think you feel any pressure at that age eh you just think you know you're you're playing in front of 50,000 fans eh at iBrocks you're on 90 quid a week you know you're probably thinking hope I've got enough money to pay for the training away up on Sunday night you know like one of the ones you don't feel pressure once you've got if you've got less you feel nothing you know because it's you just think it can only get better so I didn't feel a lot of pressure as young boy until probably I was turning about 18 you know and then that's when you need to develop and get better get out of your bad habits new managers come in they don't think like things about you and then that's when you kind of screw them up because you were never short of controversial as well you know get done for like salt and shit and the papers listen boys have boys there's always going to be young but people will always jump on they do they jump on it's all together aggressive and things like that and I'm not even like that you know like when I was 18 I got that assault I think I was 19 had another assault and then when I was 20, 20 or 21 there was another assault eh I mean they've all been well publicized you know and it's like I could sit here and say I'm the victim but I had a choice you know in these these cases like these scenarios and things when you're on night suit you know you get if you play football people know who you are they'll pick on you and then sometimes they're picking you too much and sometimes they'll get physical with you if you react I mean if you come off better than them you're always going to be the bad man there you know did they ever tell you grab you bit of fucking ears and say listen get your shit they get a young boy and because seeing that kind of mentality drinking causing trouble it's no good for the reputation it's no good for the club did they ever try and pull you aside to do it for a back up there was there was quite a lot you know there was boys there yeah like when I was a young boy growing up I had like Derek McInnes was the captain of the club at this time and then as it progressed you had like Lee Wolke remember big Lee Wolke he was captain everybody respected I everybody respected him he was a great guy I cleaned his boots you know and he used to sort me out at Christmas my Christmas bonus eh I got in really well with him and you know I think it was maybe my first or second assault I went in and I said to him there was a rugby player he's stuck there he didn't see me last night and I've I've reacted and I've punched him back but he's fallen and he's been knocked out do you think I should say to Craig Levine Craig Levine at the time Craig Levine's the scariest manager you ever meet in your life he had hands like shovels so he started laughing at me thinking I had no bother with you man eh he was like no no bother hard man away you go I wouldn't say nothing so that day I thought he told me no he said nothing I'm all right I'll just go home went home and I placed that right at the door that day and then it all went went tits up you know and eh I was in the paper and that and I wish I'd said to Levine because eh he might have been a bit more lighter with me you know but eh he did punish me after that aye what sort of punish me I don't know if I can go in yeah because he's eh he's actually spoke about it eh like he spoke about it I'm sure on the radio or something but he never named names well that was the name that you named but he never named eh he looked me in a room for five days with no windows and go look the door and says that's what's going to be like in prison me man and he was right you know he was right I should have listened but I see just they say that now when you're 34 you know you're a husband a father you know where is did you go to Blackburn I was 22 so through how many years did you play with United because you get loaned out as well as I did I was a few teams I was loaned out at Dundee United as a 17 year old kid you know you go and bulk up and things like that eh I went to Rafe Rovers believe it or not I went to Rafe Rovers with John McGlynn as the manager so when it all kicked off you know I'd known I'd known John since I was a young boy you know so he was like a father figure at me and he said he'd look after me and that you know so I trusted John and eh but I loved my time at Rafe the first time I was there you seen real men fighting you know for a win bonus but it meant something because we'd been playing 15 more days and thinking it doesn't mean a lot you know you think it does but it doesn't mean as much with these boys are playing part-time football got jobs they're working leaving their work going straight to training and that that was real many you know Marv and Andrews not with any team big boys he's still solid I think he can still play I used to say Marv how can you kick the ball eh how can you heed the ball further than you can kick the ball and he's like I don't know man he's just solid isn't he because I play charity football Max is with him still and he's riffless you guys have never played football who paid money to play in the match and he's going through it almost if it's an old phone I used to avoid him in training you know like in small-sided games and that I would be where's he gonna play I'll go the other side that you know because he is solid eh coming right through you did you know how good you would have been at that age did you have the confidence nah I think you know I probably wasn't even that good a player back then you know I was more of a poacher and you would score goals and you still had you still still headlights because you scored the goals but see if you looked at your overall overall play back then you know still had a lot to learn so how many goals did you score for the United your last season now well before I left eh I think I may have been 20 or something 20 odd but which is good for the Scots especially for the United struggling in that you know I had a good season when we we won the Scottish Cup and I think that's where the kind of we've got a publicity and team status sniffing you know what was it like winning the Scottish Cup that was great I but even then like a day like that you take it for granted your young boy I think I was 20 21 like you just think that's what's going to happen all the time it's known to get older you realise oh shit there's a cherish that more you know because a lot of big names then come on if you were you know close to signing with Rangers or was that paper talk I don't know how many of you talk about that eh but like I like before this instant happened you know I was going there in January it was going and all the plug got pulled because of this I had a had a rate charge on my head nobody was going to sign me then you know so that that was a dream for mine gone all because that night you know so see when you United when did you sign Blackburn then was that after the charge yeah the charges got dropped in July and then it was like maybe two weeks later I was away so this is what happened when you're still playing when you're United yeah this is all going on you're obviously trying to focus your thinking if I can screw the nut and try and focus on football and just like forget about what's happening outside world and you know things will be better one day that was that I so you're reunited back on controversy when did you make your Scotland debut eh I think I was it done United we had a friendly at my brain against some team and I remember it was like a friendly most of the big boys will pull it you know but see you're you're on the fringes you want your you want you want to call it you know so I remember thinking like oh like big players are pulling out like maybe you'll get pulled in and I did I got pulled in I think we've played a friendly up in Petardre and Aberdeen I got on as a sub for a bit that's right if you're alliance about half an hour I played done all right and I thought this is decent now and that you get a wee taste for it you know and that makes you want more you scored against Spain I got a penalty against Spain I my pals and never forget like never let me forget it was only a penalty you know that's what they say I said I know but would you have scored that penalty against Spain they go probably I probably would have I but what was that hand doing eh no that was over in Spain I think it was in Alicante or something what age were you I would have been young again sir I've been 22 23 maybe so you're no no older than 23 your whole career kind of still ahead of you you're kind of breaking through Scotland debut it's going against Spain so what age did it all happen then the night it looked probably everybody's what I watched for this night this is a night that we've got to be careful because there's victims this last is a victim you're saying you could pretend to be a victim so it's just to be your side yet and I've had hundreds of messages I'm talking hundreds of messages for people football players and a lot of people to get you on to tell your story and we'll mention their names because listen we're going to get backlash because we know how sensitive it is but talk us through before that night started what happened we were with that day well that day we were playing up my protein and it was just a normal winters new years I mean we don't celebrate new year really because we're always playing through the kind of festive period I think it was like the first of January we played Aberdeen and we were getting beat one or something or maybe two one I've scored in the last minute and we've drew two each or one each I can't even remember the score and then on the bus like you know boys are like oh what are you doing tonight things like that I wasn't actually planning on going there you know like there was no plans going there me and David Robertson we're good friends we lived in a house together in Diggs and he was like well if you you know then I can come through and say me I'm going out with a few my mates and I was like I'll let you know on that you know and I didn't think I'll go because I had planned to meet my big cousin Gareth his name was and so I just went along with my own plan like I was going to meet him and we went to a bar in Stirling that night and it was kind of new year and there was nobody there it was dead my phone goes and Robo's like what are you up to you know and I was like oh no much we're just getting to the first bar he says you've you've been drinking yet I was like no I was just a bit of a drink he says jump in the car come through and see us it's better here and that was it man I went I've ended up I went you know who knows what could have happened so in the night club what happened how did you meet how did you start talking how did it all start well we went to the first bar and I actually met Denise before I even go to the first bar you know I was driving up the kind of high street bath gate and she says doesn't remember this either but this is before we even go to the first bar I pull over to two kind of women walking up the hill I didn't know where the bar was and I just says do you know where this bar is they tell me where they're going they say we've gone there as well we'll see you there I fought nothing of it drove up turn left part of the bar you know and I've really had much conversation with her even in that bar you know Robbo was where more than me he knew her from school how did you end up back to the house and how's house was that it was Robbo's mate's flat and I think the plan was to go back we I think it was a girl called Rachel and Denise we were going to go back there you know for a party you know but it was one of those things you're you're on a night and you've been kissing and things like that so you're kind of thinking it might lead to something it might know you know and it obviously led to more than what what you thought was going to be how much do you remember it at night see everybody will think that oh you must remember it but you were drunk you weren't talking to yourself you know but I remember I've written like quite clearly that there was no kind of like nobody was like sleeping or that that's what everybody thinks you know that was not the case we were all talking all laughing and joking just like normal drunk people would be doing you know was she spiked or anything was she seeing see I've read these stories as well about her being spiked you know I've never touched a drug in my life so I don't know where she's getting that from I would I would never even think about doing that you know it doesn't know why we would even need to do that you know she was buying the drinks herself you know was it any reports that anything come back to the system was clear I've read some of the medical records and it says it was free traces of drugs in our blood and then I've read other medical records it says there was no traces of blood eh drugs in the blood so I couldn't quite put my finger on that you know because she says she woke up nobody was there she couldn't find her clothes what time did you leave I must have left about half past three in the morning three in the morning I couldn't tell you an exact date but I wanted to leave together I really did I wanted to leave the guy we'd get a taxi I dropped her off but she didn't want to leave and when did you find out though the rape shout was getting mentioned it was the next day uh David Robertson's pal obviously went back to his flat and there was police everywhere you know and then it was obviously quite clear he went and said what's going on here I think I was a young last year so he'd last night and he knew obviously who was there that night which means uh David Robertson so what happens after that we don't do anything we don't know what today uh Robo phones me we're like should we get a lawyer or things like you know because we're obviously panicking for our lives you know we're thinking what like what the actual fuck going on you know because we just think this this isn't a seat this isn't real surely no and uh so we didn't have to do anything they contacted us you know the police for questioning and what happens there then were you a lawyer to go yourself with a lawyer you get questioned what had happened and things like that you just talk them through it and they say right we've gathered everything and we'll go and do a thorough investigation and we'll get back to you and what happens then well they take your DNA and things like that so my DNA was found with Denise and on the scene are you had semen inside her yeah Robo that Roboson didn't there was no there was no DNA for Robo he admitted being where as well yeah so that was later on so once they get the DNA for me I can get charged with rape which happened so I was in charge to it and Robo's obviously rightly so confused thinking what's going on you know and a lot of people say uh like why did Robo say that you know like why did Robo like Robo he didn't need to say anything that was him he was away like he could just go right off into the sunset maybe even though he was there you know but he just came out and he says nah I can't do that you know we need to go and tell the truth and that's what he done so he went to the police himself off his own back told them the truth the story and then uh I think he had to go to like a court or something to do it and and they took all these evidence and what he had said he's tested me and then they came to their decision so she for it was just you and her back at the house well that's what she says aye so Robo the other boy wasn't even like you say he didn't even need to be there yeah he didn't even need to be there like you know he was uh there was no evidence and being there so if I don't know if his lawyer says look you don't have to do this you know but the type of man Robo is he wouldn't have done that anyway what about medical reports was likely forced into any bruising any scratches no bruising no scratches there was no physical violence that's what a lot of people don't understand you know it wasn't like a like we never stalked Denise and thought look she's getting dragged down to a bush and doing what you want you know because I know that there's all types of rapes I know that like you know there's there's a lot of physical abuse out there that doesn't need to be violent you know but this case wasn't violent this is free people drunk having consensual sex and and what was happening in front of me was like normal like she was talking laughing joking joining in you know so for her to say she kind of remember that it's it's hard for me to live with because I'm thinking if I could only show you the way you were acting we had no idea that you were going to wake up in the morning and not remember this you know how long did it take after your statement for you to get charged uh it would have been probably a bit a month I think yeah they get the DNA test back and all that and as soon as we've got that I've got enough evidence on you when did you with how did you feel as soon as you found out you were getting charged with rape oh gutted you know like actually I remember obviously had been hiding this inside and they told my mum and dad nothing you know and and I got the phone call saying it's coming on the news and so I've drove home to my mum and dads right before the six o'clock news and it was it was the headline you know and I had to try and tell them before it comes out and uh obviously I'm in tears and things that I'm telling them like this is this isn't true like and there's the same look you just need to fight it son where were you where they've done the United sir they took us in in the morning chatted away and like they kind of came to the point like obviously this is a really serious issue like you could lose your jobs and all that uh they decided to back us until the outcome had come yet you know so how long did it take before the chads get dropped that went on from probably January till July so it was a good six and months how are you when you were charged were you hiding or are you still in the streets just no giving a fuck that's what people think but no no I was probably in a dark room for a long time after that you know even like my football obviously took a hit as well like people won't even remember but I couldn't kick my own arse you know for for a couple of months after that I owe a lot to Peter Huston because he just stopped by me he says you'll get through this you know you'll get through it like what you feel right now is isn't it forever so his confidence in me gave confidence in myself to like start playing well again you know are you still playing for the first team I was still on the first team in that eye what was the fans then off like the my own fans my own fans what fans you're playing against or the fans I was playing against you know they had a field day you know like we know she said no like singing at the foul game you know like even going to like part of kid and things like that's how you can hear and you're trying kid on you it's no bothering you but it's hurting you sitting you up inside you know it's still happened to me this day though like nobody sees that either so even when I was at Clyde you know I got you a way ground it's all about me it's not like that's sitting half the players a play way even the team I'm playing against saying I don't know you can take that you know but I'd have a choice listen it's the worst label you can be labeled the way as a fucking sex case let's be honest a sex offender you know like a rapist I don't want to be that I don't want to be known as that you know that's why I want to fight and clear my name just as much as she wants to fight and get justice you know because I want justice as well how long does it take for the charge to get dropped charges got dropped in July so it's pretty instant you know you get a phone call from a lawyer and you're thinking but obviously he's a young boy you're like I don't know if I was that really their lawyer you know it's like so much weight taking off you it feels but then on the other side you need to think about Denise like Denise will be thinking she's been like doing you know but to me I felt like the truth has come out but it's there's two sides to the coin you know so insufficient evidence the the threshold for the evidence did they meet for court like crown criminal court and what's going through your mind when the charge gets dropped back home your life again that's it like so you're thinking right I need to try and get back on my life learn from that like learn from that you know like never put yourself in a situation that again you know and uh and I've learned from it you know like people will think you've never learned your lesson because no being to jail not you know things like that but that's not how it works you know I don't I you can't just go to jail because people want you to go to jail and like sure or more so rehabilitation you know that was one of Nicola Sturgeon's big ones you know like rehabilitation he's never he's never had to do that but in a civil matter you don't get that you know you don't get rehabilitation it's like you get sued right you owe this person money you know that that's it's just money in the courts so if we were going to get real just so we go we go to criminal court how was the press press of the field day with me they always have you know like their headlines shamed football rapists you know they don't care and the press of the first person to come out and say someone should have been there for that boy you know like uh they should have spoke to someone and once you found hanging for a tree you know they don't care so the charts got dropped how long did it take to sign for blackburn was it two million three million signing on yeah i think they think he signed for about 2.8 million or something it was but i think it was like two million up front and that way add-ons and i mean the time i had at blackburn they probably wouldn't have had the add-ons let's be honest uh it was fairly quite quick you know but when i went down to blackburn i didn't actually want to go to blackburn you know like no disrespect to them you know i was always wanting to go to rangers at the time you know and people i think i'm a big rangers fan and that i'm actually know even a big supporter of a football you know i just like playing the sport i mean i always say my wife and that like if i was to pick a team i'd pick still on albin you know that'd be my team because i'm from there and when i'm younger i'd take my son to still albin games you know if he wants i kind of take my daughter she's no interested in she says i don't want to play football but did you have options i did i mean i had contact with rangers at the time when i was going down to blackburn you know and it's a funny story because we get down to blackburn to do the medical and uh blackburn postpone the medical till a day later i freak out and say i don't want to be here and my lawyers have to take me back up to glasgow because i'm saying i'm going to go to rangers you can't change my mind and then it turns out there was a big argument with rangers and the chairman at dindian eighty at the time he was saying i'm not selling you rangers so if you don't go blackburn you're no going anywhere simple as that you know so it was one of their ones and i felt like in my life in my career there's always been people saying like or trying to like kind of control you you know like like try and get what they want to happen you know so i ended up going to blackburn and i regretted to this day you know so how did no one you see a Celtic fan or something no i think money steven thompson they i think they had a big argument with rangers i don't know through the years they didn't like each other i don't know like you know it's that's i'm too small a fish to know what's going on behind closed doors with these champions and that you know but he just didn't like rangers and didn't want me to go there you know it was in the same league and things like that didn't they like to see like the big two teams taking their good players and things like that but at the time i was saying i want to go there he was just saying no chance you'll be staying here then you know and i just signed a new contract with him so i was maybe i think i signed a two or three year deal so i was thinking if i don't go now you know this chance might never come again what should we do on it united uh there'll be a couple of grand a week you know good money good money i but for a young 22 year old what about when you're signing for blackburn do you get signing your own fees or something i don't want to talk about that you know it was good money it was life changing for me you know we were in the premier league for like one year you know and it was good money then even when you get relegated you know you get your wages slashing things that everybody's got different kind of percentage drops in their contract that'll be all different you know there was big dogs they're like you had like Pederson you know Paul Robinson ago and that they had all been good deals you know David Dunne how many games did you play first year in the premiership i think i've probably got any double figures you know a lot of them would have been subs i like appearances you know but see like you know the sub-appearances that down there like it's it's mental the money that they've got done there because like as you come on as a sub you get two and a half grand so other boys used to see me on the on the bench like go get warmed up ten minutes ago you get yourself two and a half grand i'd be there like running a bit like i'll whip it up and then i'll do that i and then you get on for the last ten minutes and tell you it was good how sort of how are you playing against Dunne was anybody stood on he's a player man city were coming coming alive at that point you know like they had david silva and all that they'd signed nazi he'd balotelli there you had diguero like you had some players there you know ruining that must have still been playing gerard ruining that gerard was playing who else is the big dogs i mean i just always remember playing i actually started the game against man city ewood park and i got played as a right winger i've never played there in my life the big center mid at that time but but yeah i had two of them he was on believe i bought that never lost the ball you know and you couldn't get the ball for me it was that big and strong so blackburn how long did you last there i was there for three years but there was loan spells in that like can i go out and loan you know i wasn't he what as soon as i went to blackburn i was homesick hated it you know i hated it i was i was in a flat on my own like you think you finish training at like one o'clock i mean you got no hobbies so you know you're thinking you got nobody you know so i got my mates not doing a few times like to kind of live with me and try and let me settle but it never really worked you know how much did that affect your playing career being charged before that anyway did you see it mentally scarred for the rest of your life you know like i'll never forget this like see when i'm driving for more than half an hour all days replay it you know and think what could i have done differently or what what what like is she lying is she telling the truth are we all telling the truth i don't know you know it's like i've got so many questions myself you know so you get loaned out blackburn again how many teams were you playing with then and if it were were you drinking much probably was but i wouldn't they drink before training or anything like that you know i wasn't even like if i go training anymore i wouldn't sit in the house and drink you know i wasn't one of those guys but probably binging like you know like at the weekends and that you get a day off the next day maybe overdo it you know like just no concentrating on what you should be the most important thing you know like being an athlete and looking after yourself like i wish i had to to cone i wish i was more professional and that's me 34 and i'm probably the most professional i've ever been now and i had Paul Mercer known and he was snotting gear before european games i was not like that you know and it's sad but to see i know you went through all that you went through it also i can understand the the darkness the dark clouds still living with it listen the charges get dropped yeah but you're still living with it you're still living with the same same thoughts what would have happened if i was charged no so what's the point in what's the point in having the crown of the civil can just do the exact same thing to you so what is the difference between court a lot and a civil court court laws government civil courts private is that correct well it's not private because you can get legal aid on that still through it so but it's it's more like it's easier to get something to civil court than it is to get the crown because the the evidence doesn't need to be as strong it's probabilities you know like oh she's probably too drunk you know but we're playing with probabilities and that's playing my life's you know like because uh she probably was too drunk or or she probably wasn't too drunk like how can you just probably choose what path somebody's gonna go after this you know i don't think it was right but do you agree your career kind of stalled then oh i like it well after the civil case i went i chucked it put my mouth you know i never got sacked there'll be people saying you know i never got sacked i spoke to Derek Adams as soon as i got told what way it went you know and and i just i can't be here i need to take my wife i need to go away and i think we went up to the lake district that day you know just took a bag and says like this is gonna go mental so let's go a drive we drove up to lake district and we're basically looking at nature and that you know and a dark place trying to get your mind off it with the dog well how did you know this how does the civil case work so you're through it all you're kind of getting on with your creates kind of stalling but how long did it take for the civil case to come back around did you know this was happening so after all everybody's been heard it takes a good two three months i think it was like maybe finishing november or something we didn't hear back till what would you say january that's when i got a phone call in the morning before it gets released for my lawyer how long did it take with how did it how did it even start how does a civil case even start for something like this because if the criminal charges everything's dropped there's not enough evidence how does the civil case work and why did it take so long well i think there's a there is a time limit of of like kind of civil case you see if you go past the time and there's nothing you can do but i think what denise done which was which clever on her side that she used the media you know she was speaking about it if like she was saying she was being ignored and things like that she also got a pay payment from like some sort of abuse to women charity or something i couldn't quite tell you what the name it was they obviously believe in her and uh that's not a day with me but she was using the media to show that she was being ignored so the legal aid board would then have to listen and then we had to make a like a an example you know and then that's how once she gets legal aid that means we go to court but i didn't get legal aid you know robbo got legal aid denise got legal aid i had to pay all the way through it who were you playing for then i was uh when i when i heard she got legal aid i when the civil case was coming around when it was coming around i was at plummouth but when i found out she was getting legal aid it was i was done in 80 don loan back from blackburn so soon as she gets legal aid that means the case can go what happens if she doesn't get legal aid there would have been no case they should have had to pay for a lawyer privately you know but as soon as she gets legal aid that means i need to get a lawyer and things like that then that then it's like three or four years you know before your case or maybe two years before the case gets heard it did go on for ages you know and so you know the civil case is coming around it might take two years three years four years how was your football career then doing hell after that you know right that was it you're you don't you know concentrating on football then eh like you're constantly paranoid you know like thinking what's going on like what's happening now on the phone to your lawyer changing lawyers you didn't know how to trust you know you're thinking is this lawyer with me or is he just using me you know and it's one of the things you're you know i'm still young at this point you know i'm still 24 25 and you're thinking i need i need somebody to trust and it was hard how long you're just going for eh i went on for a couple of years before we went to the court and how did the press do another field day i field day every time eh it'd be me eh but that's the thing like a day still print even though it was a case you know and how does it work that civil case and no they wouldn't print it i don't think much up until the case but there would have been the odd few like hanging in there eh but when it's actual at court like i mean they're in it it's in the paper every day what's been said that day and all that you know maybe scrutinising and they'll point it to whether they want it to go what's up to them so seem you get called is it like a courtroom oh it's like a couple of court eyes so do you get called for a do you need to give evidence again yeah you need to give evidence so everybody who was involved witnesses and things like that we all got them stand that's it and you get questioned by her lawyer my own lawyer and things like that and do you need to go yeah you need to go i you've been summoned and what happens if you don't go i'm not sure if it's a civil case i could just not court of law is it you can't you can't go to the jail can you that's a good question i i don't know i'm not sure what would have happened there eh i'm not quite clear yeah but you kind of get the jail how does it genuinely don't know i don't know either even to this day and i've been through it you know i would you feel pressure to go aye there was lots of pressure on me you know like i'm thinking like we're going to go here like we're going to get the truth and that just like denise is thinking that as well you know we're all up for it and it's just went another way for me you know and what happened when you had to give evidence was it the same stuff you were saying the first time aye the same stuff like what you've said to the police and things you know nothing changes it's just the same thing it's a cop was there was a cop was there getting the evidence as well eh i'm not sure maybe one like police woman or something or a policeman was there but no there wasn't a lot of police of that involved in it what about background reports we are sale the girl robertson there's any stuff how does it i feel like maybe they ask for background checks on us and things that we ask for background checks on on denise as well aye and how long did it last when you were in court eh i think it was for about a couple of weeks it was a long long couple of weeks and who who makes the verdict is it judges is it it's a it's one judge one one judge just go with that and his hands you know like he he gets that he listens to everyone roots over it and he comes to his decision he gives his opinion on it so his opinion was that she was probably too drunk that's his opinion so it's a court of opinions i don't i don't really know but that's the things my solicitor was saying that's just the judge's opinion you know like and i think we appeal it and then there's like three other civil judges that say you know we'll stand by like what lord armstrong said but this was the first of its kind of the second time it was the second time it had ever been done aye and how's it no done all the time i don't know i don't know like that's what i'm saying so i don't want to use football as an excuse but i think if we were bob the boulder they wouldn't have entertained it they wouldn't have like they're making an example of us and rightly so because sometimes football do act out we do do some stupid things you know but we're only human we all make mistakes it's just that when we make mistakes it's well highlighted the stories i've heard with some football players is unbelievable the stuff that's been covered up for years that's it man that you what i'm involved in you know that's probably not even the worst you know like things that are out there like the stories that people can tell you so what happens then when you get the verdict he says you are still playing with plumber how do when do you find out you don't even get the verdict that day you don't you need to go away and then that's it like you're sitting on that you're sitting there thinking my life's either going to be over or it's going to be starting again you know so that went on for about two months and what happens when you get is that a guilty verdict it is aye so your lawyer phones and he says aye he's written against us you know i always remember it in the morning burst out crying obviously you know tell my wife and then that's when i says look can't go to training today we need to we need to go and speak to the manager and see what he says and to fit the Derek Adams like gotten really well with him at the time and he was saying you need to do what you need to do you need to look after your family and what happens then after that we jump in the car we go and get a bag grab the dog and we'll just drive up north and we wanted to be with our families but we thought the press and that'll be at the door and things like so we went to Lake District and had a few days there and just kind of went walks in the woods and that you know and up the hills and try to clear the mind try to think straight so what happens then was she compensation 100 grand it was each 100 grand between the two years see i was 100 grand between the two years but that's something i want to clear up as well actually because people think i went bankrupt notepad like so i didn't need to pay Denise that that's just a made up story you know and i think i've read it in the paper as well that's fake fake news so i got told to sell my house by my lawyer and when they sold my house so i think it was like 170 grand i got out of my house so 70 grand meant to the lawyers 100 grand went into the court so the court sees the 100 grand if she won so what i always took lead to believe is when she won her lawyers need paid like the rollo and things like that that was her absence name i'm sure and uh so her lawyers will say well we'll take that for a legal aid that pays a chunk yet go choose Dave and i've ever got a lawyer saying oh i want this i want this x amount or that so i went bankrupt because i got a letter through the door maybe about a month or two after it saying i was due the tax man 42 grand and i'd just been fighting all my money i just went to this case and i've had 42 grand to pay the tax man it turns out i don't know he's i phoned up the tax man what's this about and it was like an agent sphere something years ago i'm leaving the frame of mind to even fight that you know so any that we had a court date to go to a wee court an hour or something about this tax bill and i says i have no go 42 grand to pay this and the guy says we just need make you go bankrupt and that was in the paper as well like so they make up these stories that david and roberts and david goodbye went bankrupt so they need to pay the nice that's false because like i say to be making the charges were trapped and then got the civil case it's been any contact with that girl is how she's feeling how she's dealt with because it must have been a lot for her to dealing with with the newspapers and that night and and if it is true like you can only say it for your side but if everything is true imagine how her heed is do you know i mean i don't know a girl and listen you've got to have every side in every angle covered and i'm more than happy to have her on if she ever wanted to say because it's not just understand that but if there's a river any contact with her how she's dealing with how she's feeling or never any contact you know i would sit down and speak to her just like this if she wanted to speak to you know and speak about that night if she wanted to speak about that night i don't know if she had a wall you know i think denise has got her own issues and like that you say like her background check that we've seen it we've seen how hard they're not bringing she had you know and like i think it's probably a wee point where i want to get my point across like that morning when she's woken up on her own you know like she's got her brother and i think her brother must have made her feel terrified you know like there's things that i know that i wouldn't even cross my mind even to say you know so i'm thinking there's a reason she said she can't remember and i don't think it's because it's us it's not because he has so after the civil case you get a guilty is every team then not touch you after that that's it no so after i get a guilty in the civil case i've chucked it i'm the one to play you know what age are you i'm probably about 27 27 i would have been just 27 because i'd have just been maybe 26 actually we just got married and that eh i got ruined with my wife's wedding that time eh with that as well nightmare so the january comes in chucked it and i think it's probably gets to about April one of my mates just says to me like we've not got enough players for our team a team called doing castle you know i wasn't playing i wasn't keeping fit on that nothing like that eh probably just in a dark state of depression sitting in a room with the curtains closed every day and eh i went i'll play i'll just play for a laugh thinking maybe he's gonna find it and then i was in the front page of the sun for playing with this team chain football rapist back in the game as usual the same old headline you know fred at many times i could tell you what they're gonna say before it's even it eh and then that's when i don't know of you know peter mcdonald piezo i don't know he was eh he was a clad in term like it like caretaking manager at the time i think clad he just sat there manager or it was fergie i think he just left ferguson eh and he just said look you knew me you knew me as a boy you know me for years he says do you want to come and see if you can get a game with us and i says i like you know eh but i had to go and sit in front of a panel so it was a panel like a like a chairman a director a like somebody they trust or something from clad they asked me questions asked me how i feel about it you know and they come to the decision that i will give you a chance you know that people think i just walked back into football you know i never got any i never got paid at that you know i played for free till the end of the season i think there was like six or seven games left in the season i just played for free to get a chance to get back in you know what about your missies on that when you're getting you get gouty the civil court for rape what about your missies were there any chances of walking away or family members and friends turning their back or did everybody other people just on cross my mind you know like i used to say to my wife at the time you know you're not stuck here you can you can leave any anytime you know and but she's always just strong women she's stood by me you know what about kids my kids as well i've got my daughter at four my son eight weeks so i don't think they know too much about it but this is why i'm speaking today as well you know because they they're going to grow up they're going to hear it they're going to people are going to talk to me about it and uh like i'll speak to them about it you know that's it because you're what i tell your side of story and rightly so this isn't anything goes podcast i will shy away from the end of you and listen i'll get back last for this and that's all right because i'm used to it but i feel as everybody that deserves a fair chance to tell their side you've got a daughter now as well yeah a lot of people you're trying to make people see that you're a good guy and maybe there's question marks to be raised but if your daughter came in and says that to you daddy i've been with too many of rapes yeah it's your first instinct i've had this conversation with quite a lot of people i'd be the exact same i would that take the riff you know i'd say where are they let's let's get this sorted you know you've got to believe that you know you've got it but in the case that i'm in i know what happened you know and denise has never said she's been raped you know denise has always said that she just can't remember she just wants to know what's happened we told told her what had happened but that that means it's rape you know so after all that because this is why you're here as well you've been in the papers the last few weeks you'll be signing for teams contracts getting ripped up the next day who did you sign for first was it rafrovers i saw i was at cladden rafrovers bought me from clad and then that's when it all kind of kicked off i think there was a main sponsor there val mcdonald i mean she just kind of ripped me apart you know but when i went to rafrovers i was told that you'll be fine and things like that there's people didn't agree with it but they'll come running things like that so where i was at clad i was happy there i was captain i helped with the disability classes and things like that and i was enjoying it i was working as well had a job and uh what were you doing i was a electric electricians mate you know and and that's what i'm doing to this day i still i went back to my job you know people think that uh go and get a normal job i've got i've got a job you know but like the cost of living you know you want to you want more for your family or your wife your kids so i want another job you know i'm much from that if i can use football to do that and great so orid so rafrovers you signed for him how long did it take for your contract to get ripped i think i signed on the monday night they had a game on a tuesday night against queen of the south and i went in and there was no talk of being sat then i got treatment because i had a hamstring problem and physio just said to me like we're going to leave it to the weekend so you're 100 that's fine you're the physio i'll take your word we were off the wednesday and there must have been a lot of chat on the wednesday because i went in on the first day and the manager pulls me in and he just says you're not going to be able to play here and this is monday i signed monday night within like there must have been about 30 minutes left in the window you know and i had concerns i didn't i wasn't sure if i wanted to go there you know but i was reassured did you have other teams to go to uh i don't want to name teams you know i don't want to like did you have other teams i did have other teams i had a couple of things uh i probably had a different option you know that i wanted to go and clites didn't away it you know they didn't want me to go now so where did you go after the contract to get back to clite i so raf they turn around and says well loan you back to clite it was like i just felt like something that made they wanted to just get out the door you know so i was like okay at least i've been there for years i'm like the i know the manager he's like he's danny allen he was like if i forget me we've gotten really well spoke about everything even about this you know he helped he's a religious man and he used to speak to me about all the time how to be positive and use use it this negative as a positive and be better in life and all that so i took all that on danny took me back in oak mums uh and then i think it was we had a game that night and it was like a some or a friendly or something against the rangers b team or something so after the game i got shivered and then the gaffer was like oh danny allen was that a phone you in the morning i went okay so the morning comes running the chairman phones me if you clied and he says look you you can't you can't be here either and i'm thinking what's going on here i've been here for like five years like how can i not be here uh north lannickshire council they're getting involved now and i was thinking oh no it turns out north lannickshire council is run by s and p which isn't helped me because nickle sturgeon's already been on the news slaughtering me you know like jumping on it and she was saying that i've sure no remorse i've no had to do rehabilitation you know like things like things that i'm never even going to get the opportunity to do or even anyway and anyway i'm an innocent man i i still say it to this day i'm walking about three like i'm not a sex offender register i'm not got any charges for this you know i don't even have a criminal record anymore all the assault charges i've had they're all gone you know so i've cleaned up my act you know and i've i've tried to be a bit of person but the head of north lannickshire council came down hard on cladence's if he comes to training on fursday night your your contract of our lease agreement will be torn up and it was a man called jordan london i don't know if you've read about him in the news like he's just a hypocrite you know he's got like five sexual assault charges or allegations on his name sending pictures to 14 year old boys like this is a guy that's in charge of north lannickshire council telling me i'm no fit to go to work where i'd been working for five years and i would love to know if the press went and spoke to people at the club and says what was he like because they would have they would have went and tried to get some dirt and i bet everybody says that he was well mannered he spoke to everybody and like i used to sit with a tea lady before games and chat away to her and ask how she was she's your old lady you know like i i used to go out my way to be nicer than the rest of the boys because i knew what i was carrying was like obviously a bit more pressure you know i had to be nice and had to like go out my way to help because i knew that this great thing people are going to be scared of me or skeptical and thinking oh i'm not sure about him so i used to make sure they felt comfortable in my presence what about me sure in football and say girls after the game wanted a photo you know how do you react and the things getting took out of context like i used to get pictures i'm sure there was pictures of me somewhere with even the cloud women team you know like like when i'm sure when they won games and all that like we would be like like we used to go and train and after them they'd get the pics before us like we would all go and but we never we never interacted we never like spoke or anything like you know they were kind of like a separate entity they were doing their thing and we were doing everything like but everyone was always like like i'm a capable well mannered like right oh like we're on now like it wasn't like it wasn't like i was a big involvement with the women's team around that but did you feel uncomfortable or the women's speciality the shit hanging on your head you know like see if there was like women's teams or that they're like i would feel uncomfortable because i would be i would be kind of like feeling something inside that like thinking are they scared of me you know like but are always trying to be well mannered so they feel comfortable around me you know like and it's nuts to think that absolutely nuts because you're like i'm even like like this is like i'm thinking they might think i'm aggressive and i'm not like even the case that we were involved in with the civil case there was no aggression there was no violence or like forcement you know and you're sitting there thinking i even date to this day i'm gonna walk with a dog and i meet like a lady or something or a an older lady and i'm thinking has she read about me in the news or is she like is she scared of me you know that goes through me i got a walk came in i said it's my wife and i you need to still think that so again over the last few weeks you've made headlines again you sent for a team in Australia it's come back in the surface even the daily record article is rapist blah blah blah so this is basically why you're here i yeah unbox was flooded and i thought yeah i'll give the guy a chance to say things from your side like i say if it was a court of law but a different ball game civil court you've appealed you've always kind of fought your corner well you've not really fought your corner you've kind of stood in the background you've kind of been tarnished with it and listen you've been charged in a civil court court so it is like i say it's a fucking dodgy one but what happens then with the australian sign with the australian team and then same thing again contract you're stripped up after a day what was the what was the kind of steps going through there again just repeating itself oh it's just the same i'm sure the excuse i got from the australian team is like yeah the women's world cup was coming up or something australia and i think their training ground was getting rented like rented by hati women's team or something and i think they got wind they were going to sign me and all that and like oh that's just a big f you to women's football or women in general you know i've not got any against women you know like i'd love my daughter to grow up and play football one day because i'd be there supporting her you need to hold me back you know so how is it then try to you never move on the bottom line there's no matter what you are seeing when you say the day you're still going to get the same backlash for any team you sign and how do you try and get on fate then i don't think i'll ever get over this like unless we go to criminal court and a lot of people think that or you shy away from that i'd take it if we could go to criminal court tomorrow i would go ends can you do that it's not to me it's up to the crown but like i would go tomorrow to clear my name and how does that overturn the civil one because the criminal court's bigger than the civil court well the criminal court is like the threshold the evidence has to be more concrete you know so it's just a it's a more serious thing isn't it you can get jail time that and you'd be happy to go to criminal court with all the evidence there 100 so what happens then we what's happening if it boner well right now i've not really got a team you know and i've had loads of phone calls with loads of managers and loads of people they're asking me if i would come and i'm just like no like there's no point even doing this dance because it happens all the time you know like okay i'm going to speak to the board know that and then i get the same old story you know there'll be someone there that's doesn't quite agree with it you know like thinks ah but what will the papers say you know because at the end of the day like social media papers they run the world don't they they do they guide what people's minds think but for podcasts it's kind of changing the game as well a fair voice we're not like i say i'm not here i'm not georgia duro i'm not here to press i'm only here for you to tell things for your side happy to have the girl denise on to tell things from her side happy to have the two you sitting across each other if that can ever happen to talk about i don't i genuinely don't know like i say i will get backlash for this because you have been charged in a civil court for me you've no been charged in a court of law which kind of well you don't get charged in a civil court yeah but you know what i mean you are you are how do you what so what is it then you've you've been sued you know you have been almost been served you know like uh civil courts are normally for like business deals that go wrong you know and nine times out of ten they all get settled but like i was on to me i was thinking what is this like i remember sent to the lawyer so what happens now that i go to jail and he's like no like this isn't a jail thing this is like and i'm sure his words was like this is this is just a money court you know like you can't actually get jail time for this i never knew that you know i'm going into this my head spiraling and thinking like this could be it you know so you're married you've got two kids your kids are four and just one's on you're born how do you worry about them when they go to school and you know you know how kids work and everybody get internet is that a concern for you it's a concern for me i you know because like i don't want to think that about that either you know like just one night from hell you know like and it can it can just set up your whole life you know the way it's gonna go but i hope i've got a good release i'm gonna have a good relationship with my kids and i'll sit them down one day when they're old enough and i've got to explain what happened and i will just take it from there you know you ever saw a side though but all the time all the time i'll say that to my wife you know like like especially after the first minister gets involved you know you're thinking i'm one man and this is like an army against me like i cannot fight this like i've got nowhere to go i'm sitting on the couch my mum and dad come over and see me and i hear you feeling i just burst into tears you know and my wife ends up quitting her job and everything she doesn't even want to face it either it's like but we've still got balls to pay yeah we've still got to we've still got to live we've still got to provide for two kids but i suicide thoughts come out my head quite regularly i but i do speak to the uh mental health people and things like that have you got a counsellor or anything like that not a counsellor someone like i don't know if she wants me to mention her it's like i can i speak to the women from uh back uh is it back side uh liby she's been a lot of help you know she's doesn't take sides she's just there for people that need it how are you feeling right now uh positive you know like i'm thinking that this is a chance for me to say what i want to say and like i want to hope people can take for it and like for what happened to me like i always think like like my son could be involved in something this one day you know now we have too much to drink it's caught up in a bit of romance you know and it's like this romance goes wrong and then before you know it here in court how you how's it took you so long to kind of come forward and tell your story i've always wanted to speak but i've always been told not to speak so i don't know what's going to happen after this i've always wanted to speak for years and years i've been told by lawyers not to speak you know people are more clever than me right but it's not helped me nothing to this point has it and then even when i was at clade playing i thought if i come out and speak now like you know i've got a daughter now like kind of worry about like if i come out and speak now well is it going to ruin my like our wages like our our way of paying for our bills that clade so i've probably shied away thinking i better know i better know saying it in the new or you end up you know got a wage coming in that month you know why now i don't have anything like this you know like they've taken everyone that i love that you know like playing football and and see if i got a chance to play football for free i'd still take it because i just like playing the sport yeah how much is it plus in football is probably kind of it's probably damaged your life in a lot of ways with it but again it's probably kept you sane when you were going in the same thing that's kept me probably alive but that my family obviously my wife my mum and dad know that you know but how is it with them seeing their boy tarnished with that they're they're devastated you know my mum my mum's angry she's sad my dad's an old school kind of guy doesn't say a lot of words you know but you know he feels it he used to come with me every saturday to clade i think they're a lost man now in a saturday you know because there's no go to football you go to what about looking over your shoulders anybody ever try to attack you or just as everybody been alright you get the odd people you know like they come out and it's it's not my younger kind of kit but they're just looking for a reaction i'm old enough now to realize what's happening but in a younger age i probably would have reacted differently you know but now i'm older people are entitled to their opinions i get that what's the main things people you want people to take away from this interview i could happen to anyone see what what's happened to us it could happen to anyone like you know you get drunk you think everybody's in this and then next minute somebody's got amnesia or they've lost their memory you know like we we couldn't see that coming and how do you move forward for the future if you can i just try and be positive every day you know stay in this earth and put food on the table for my wee daughter my son my wife so just are you going to get back to football or is that it kind of done where it is the same kind of routine same kind of patterns because if you're planning to go to Australia take your kids kind of start a new life and then the contract swept up straight away i mean listen a lot of people say well they fucking deserve that right let me get that as well let me get that that's it but how do you do you get up in football do you keep trying how do we do you do i think see once you've been like a competitive player and like it's in you know you can just never give up like i'll never give up i don't think you know until i'm 40 i'll be like right i'm done now you know till my legs give up that's when i give up you know but my wife tells me to give up every day like get over football do something different but i'm doing something different that's like people need you know i am out there working you know but if i can get a chance to kick a ball about something that takes me away from what's happening in my life you know just for 90 minutes like it's worth it did many people turn their back no no anyone close to me football players and stuff nah never even on a pitch against like kind of opposite players and that if never ever said anything wrong to me about it you know i think in football in general well it might look like we hate each other but we've all got like respect for each other you know everybody's been through something if you could change it what would you change that night i would i would like you know denny's probably doesn't know this but like if we could go back in time we make it right i've i've had a magic one we'd we'd change it we'd we'd off we'd all wouldn't want to be there would we how far do you think you would have went with your career if that night ever happened it's hard to say but i do think if i had a clear mind i could have probably still been playing the primership if i could have had a clear mind but it wasn't it be so for anybody watching would you like to say that for the doubters and that people say you're guilty what would you say to them put your foot in my shoes you know try and put your cell in my position that night and think that you think this is like this is all right like we're laughing we're talking and things like that but then the next day somebody says i don't remember doing that and then you get branded wait like an aggressive violence against women when it's not the case like put your cell in my shoes and think how it feels to go about for 12 years knowing what happened and feeling like you're innocent but yet you're branded guilty what about if denny's is watching like i would just say denny's like if she ever wanted to speak about it you should just you should just speak to me you know like and if you want to know like but i do think with denny's like i think she's got a lot of issues herself and i don't want to go into them too much but like like if she wants justice like i will say this one thing if she does watch it like you've got to have justice for everybody you can't have pictures who you you have justice for and she'll know what i'm talking about but i don't want to say it on on this podcast because it's no mass there's no more place to say it david listening for coming on and then telling things for your side well done but would you like to finish up on anything no i'm so i'm happy you give me a chance to speak and hopefully people can take what they want for this and like so there's going to be negative there might be some positive you know but like i just want to get over my life just let everyone else and hopefully there's a something good at the end of this tunnel you know i mean would you think people's reaction will be even this goes out i don't know like there might there'll be some people that like it something but don't it's it's one of them you never really know till you do it like i say mate i'm not a judge or a jury i can't decide you're gout you know i'm not i'm just here to let people tell their story but for coming on today listen i wish you all the best for the future i hope everything works out hopefully you can settle finding the future but all you can do is just keep trying bro that's it thank you cheers