 CHAPTER XIV. PART V. At a kit of gloves and napkin. Ladies always wear gloves to formal dinners and take them off at table. Entirely off. It is hideous to leave them on the arm merely turning back the hands. Both gloves and fan are supposed to be laid across the lap, and one is supposed to lay the napkin folded once in half across the lap, too, on top of the gloves and fan, and all three are supposed to stay in place on a slippery satin skirt with a little lap that more often than not slents downward. It is all very well for etiquette to say they stay there, but every woman knows they don't, and this is quite a nice question. If you obey etiquette and lay the napkin on top of the fan and gloves loosely across your satin-covered knees, it will depend merely on the heaviness and position of the fan's handle, whether the avalanche starts right, left, or forward onto the floor. There is just one way to keep these four articles, including the lap as one, from disintegrating, which is to put the napkin cornerwise across your knees and tuck the two side corners under like a lap-robe with the gloves and fan tied in place as it were. This ought not to be put in a book of etiquette, which should say you must do nothing of the kind, but it is either do that or have the gentleman next to you groping under the table at the end of the meal, and it is impossible to imagine that etiquette should wish to conserve the picture of gentleman on all fours as the concluding ceremonial at dinners. The Turning of the Table The turning of the table is accomplished by the hostess, who merely turns from the gentleman on her left probably, with whom she has been talking through the soup and the fish-course, to the one on her right. As she turns, the lady to whom the right gentleman has been talking turns to the gentleman farther on, and in a moment everyone at table is talking to a new neighbor. Sometimes a single couple who have become very much engrossed refuse to change partners, and the whole table is blocked, leaving one lady and one gentleman on either side of the block, staring alone at their plates. At this point the hostess has to come to the rescue by attracting the blocking lady's attention and saying, Sallie, you cannot talk to Professor Bugge any longer. Mr. Smith has been trying his best to attract your attention. Sallie, being in this way brought awake, is obliged to pay attention to Mr. Smith, and Professor Bugge, little as he may feel inclined, must turn his attention to the other side. To persist in carrying on their own conversation at the expense of others would be inexcusably rude, not only to their hostess, but to everyone present. At a dinner not long ago, Mr. Kindheart, sitting next to Mrs. Wellborn, and left to himself because of the aciduity of the lady's father-partner, slit his own name card across and in front of her bringing her attention to the fact that it was his turn. Enemies must bury hatchets. One inexorable rule of etiquette is that you must talk to your next-door neighbor at dinner table. You must. That is all there is about it. Even if you are placed next to someone with whom you have had a bitter quarrel, consideration for your hostess, who would be distressed if she knew you had been put in a disagreeable place, and further consideration for the rest of the table, which is otherwise blocked, that you give no outward sign of your repugnance, and that you make a pretense, at least for a little while, of talking together. At dinner once, Mrs. Toplofty, finding herself next to a man she quite openly despised, said to him with apparent placidity, I shall not talk to you because I don't care to, but for the sake of my hostess I shall say my multiplication tables. Twice one are two, twice two are four. And she continued on through the tables, making him alternate them with her, as soon as she politely could she turned again to another companion. Manners at Table It used to be an offence, and it is still considered impolite to refuse dishes at the table, because your refusal implies that you do not like what is offered to you. If this is true you should be doubly careful to take at least a little on your plate and make a pretense of eating some of it since to refuse, course after course, cannot fail to distress your hostess. If you are on a diet and accepted the invitation with that stipulation, you are not eating as excusable. But even then, to sit with an empty plate in front of you throughout a meal makes you a seemingly reproachful table companion for those of good appetite sitting next to you. Attacking a Complicated Dish When a dinner has been prepared by a chef who prides himself on being a decorative artist, the guest of honour and whoever else may be the first to be served have quite a problem to know which part its structure is to be eaten and which part is scenic effect. The main portion is generally clear enough. The uncertainty is whether the flowers are eaten vegetables and whether the things that look like ducks are potatoes or trimming. If there are six or more, the chances are they are edible and that one or two of a kind are embellishments only. Rings around food are nearly always to be eaten. Platforms under food seldom if ever are. Anything that looks like pastry to be eaten and anything divided into separate units should be taken on to your plate complete. You should not try to cut a section from anything that has already been divided into portions in the kitchen. Aspects and desserts are, it must be said, occasionally Chinese puzzles, but if you do help yourself to part of the decoration no great harm is done. Dishes are never passed from hand to hand at dinner, not even at the smallest and most informal one. Sometimes people pass salted nuts to dinner or an extra sweet from a dish nearby, but not circling the table. Leaving the table. At the end of dinner, when the last dish of chocolates has been passed and the hostess sees that no one is any longer eating, she looks across the table and catching the eye of one of the ladies slowly stands up. The one who happens to be observing also stands up and in a moment everyone is standing. The gentlemen offer their arms to their partners and conduct them back to the library or wherever they are to sit during the rest of the evening. Each gentleman then slightly bows, takes leave of his partner, and adjourns with the other gentleman to the smoking-room, where after-dinner coffee, liqueurs, cigars, and cigarettes are passed, and they all sit where they like and with whom they like and talk. It is perfectly correct for a gentleman to talk to any other who happens to be sitting near him whether he knows him or not. The host on occasions, but it is rarely necessary, starts conversation if most of the guests are inclined to keep silent by drawing this one or that into discussion of a general topic that everyone is likely to take part in. At the end of twenty minutes or so he must take the opportunity of the first lull in the conversation to suggest that they join the ladies in the drawing-room. In a house where there is no smoking- room, the gentleman do not conduct the ladies to the drawing-room, but stay where they are, the ladies leaving alone, and have their coffee, cigars, sitting around the table. In the drawing-room, meanwhile, the ladies are having coffee, cigarettes, and liqueurs passed to them. There is not a modern New York City hostess, scarcely even an old-fashioned one, who does not have cigarettes passed after dinner. At a dinner of ten or twelve, the five or six ladies are apt to sit in one group, or possibly two sit by themselves, and three of four together, but at a very large dinner they inevitably fall into groups of four ladies. In any case, the hostess must see that no one is left to sit alone. If one of her guests is a stranger to the others, the hostess draws a chair near one of the groups, and offering it to her single guest sits beside her. After a while, when this particular guest has at least joined the outskirts of the conversation of the group, the hostess leaves her and joins another group where perhaps she sits beside someone else who has been nevertheless sits for a time with each of the different groups in order to spend at least part of the evening with all of her guests. When the gentlemen return to the drawing room. When the gentlemen return to the drawing room, if there is a particular lady that one of them wants to talk to, he naturally goes directly to where she is and sits down beside her. If, however, she is securely wedged in between two other ladies, he must ask her to join him The opposing Mr. Jones, for instance, wants to talk to Mrs. Bobo Gilding who is sitting between Mrs. Stranger and Mrs. Stifley. Mr. Jones saunters up to Mrs. Gilding. He must not look too eager or seem too directly to prefer her to the two who are flanking her position, so he says rather casually will you come and talk to me. Whereupon she leaves her sandwich position and goes over to another part of the room and sits down where there is a vacant seat beside her. Usually, however, the ladies on the ends, being accessible, are more apt to be joined by the first gentleman entering than is the one in the centre whom it is impossible to reach. At a kit has always decreed that gentlemen should not continue to talk together after leaving the smoking room as it is not courteous to those of the ladies who are necessarily left without partners. At informal dinners and even at many formal ones, bridge tables are set up in an adjoining room where there are few who do not play bridge spend a half hour or less in conversation and then go home unless there is some special diversion. Music or other entertainment after dinner. Very large dinners of fifty or over are almost invariably followed by some sort of entertainment. Either the dinner is given before a ball or a music cowl or amateur theatricals or professionals are brought in to dance or sing. In this day when conversation is not so much a lost as a willfully abandoned art, people in numbers cannot be left to spend an evening on nothing but conversation. Grouped together by the hundred and with bridge tables absent, the modern fashionables in America and in England too are as helpless as children at a party without something for them to do, listen to, or look at. Very big dinners. A dinner of sixty for instance is always served at separate tables. A center one of twenty people and four corner tables of ten each. Or if less a center table of twelve and four smaller tables of eight. A dinner of thirty six or less is seated at a single table. But whether there are eighteen, eighty, or one or two hundred the setting of each individual table and the service is precisely the same. Each one is sent with a centerpiece candles, compoteurs and evenly spaced plates with the addition of a number by which to identify it or else each table is decorated with different colored flowers pink, yellow, orchid white. Whatever the manner of identification the number or the color is written in the corner of the lady's name cards that go in the envelopes handed to each gentleman arriving at the door pink, yellow, orchid, white, or center table. In arranging for the service of dinner the butler details three footmen usually to each table of ten and six footmen to the center table of twenty. There are several houses palaces really in New York that have dining rooms big enough to seat a hundred or more easily but sixty is a very big dinner and even thirty does not go well without an entertainment following it. Otherwise the details are the same in every particular as well as in table setting the hostess receives at the door guests stand until dinner is announced the host leads the way with the guest of honor the hostess goes to table last the host and hostess always sit at the big center table and the others at that table are invariably the oldest present no one resents being grouped according to age but many do resent a segregation of ultra-fashionables you must never put all the prominent ones at one table unless you want forever to lose the acquaintance of those at every other. After dinner the gentlemen go to the smoking room and the ladies sit in the ballroom where if there is to be a theatrical performance the stage is probably arranged the gentlemen return the guests take their places and the performance begins after the performance the leave-taking is the same as at all dinners or parties taking leave that the guest of honor must be first to take leave was in former times so fixed a rule that everyone used to sit on and on no matter how late it became waiting for her whose duty it was to go more often than not the guest of honor was an absent-minded old lady or celebrity who very likely was vaguely saying to herself oh my are these people never going home until by and by it dawned upon her that the obligation was her own but today although it is still the obligation to sit on the host's right to make the move to go it is not considered ill-mannered if the hour is growing late for another lady to rise first in fact unless the guest of honor is one really meaning a stranger or an elderly lady of distinction there is no actual precedence in being the first to go if the hour is very early when the first lady rises the hostess who always rises too very likely says the guest answers we don't want to in the least but to cast be at the office so early or I'm sorry but I must thank you so much for asking us usually however each one merely says good night thank you so much the hostess answers I'm so glad you could come and then she presses a bell not one that any guest can hear for the servants to be in the dressing-rooms and hall when one guest leaves they all leave except those at the bridge-tables they all say good night to whomever they were talking with and shake hands and then going up to their hostess they shake hands and say thank you for asking us or thank you so much thank you so much good night is the usual expression and the hostess answers it was so nice to see you again but most usually of all she says merely good night and suggests friendliness by the tone in which she says it an accent slightly more on the good perhaps than on the night in the dressing-room or in the hall the maid is waiting to help the ladies on with their wraps and the butler is at the door when Mr. and Mrs. Jones are ready to leave he goes out on the front steps and calls Mr. Jones's car the Jones's chauffeur answers here the butler says either to Mr. or Mrs. Jones your car is at the door and they go out the bridge people leave as they finish their games sometimes as a table at a time or most likely two together husbands and wives are never if it can be avoided put at the same table young people in saying good night say good night it has been too wonderful or good night and thank you so much and the hostess smiles and says so glad you could come or just good night the little dinner the little dinner is thought by most people to be the very pleasantest social function there is it is always informal of course an intimate conversation is possible since strangers are seldom or at least very carefully included for younger people or others who do not find great satisfaction in conversation the dinner of eight and two tables the bridge afterwards has no rival in popularity the formal dinner is liked by most people now and then and for those who don't especially like it it is at least salutary as a spine stiffening exercise but for night after night season after season the little dinner is to social activity what the roast course is to the meal the service of a little dinner is the same as that of a big one as has been said proper service and properly run houses is never relaxed whether dinner is for eighteen or for two alone the table appointments are equally fine and beautiful though possibly not quite so rare really priceless old glass in china can't be replaced because duplicates do not exist and to use it three times a day would be to court destruction replicas however are scarcely less beautiful and can be replaced if chipped the silver is identical the food is equally well prepared though a course or two is eliminated the service is precisely the same the clothes that fashion will people where every evening they are home alone are, if not the same at least as beautiful of their kind young gilding's lounge suit is quite as handsome as his dinner clothes and he tubs and shaves and changes his linen when he puts it on his wife wears a tea gown which is classified as a negligee rather an irony since it is apt to be more elaborate and gorgeous to say nothing of dignified than half the garments that masquerade these days as evening dresses they wear these informal clothes only if very intimate friends are coming to dinner alone alone may include as many as eight but never includes a stranger otherwise at informal dinners the host wears a dinner coat and the host is a simple evening dress or perhaps an elaborate one that has been seen by everyone and which goes on at little dinners for the sake of getting the hair out of it she never however receives formally standing though she rises when a guest comes into the room shakes hands and sits down again when dinner is announced gentlemen do not offer their arms to the ladies the hostess and the other ladies go into the dining room together not in a procession but just as they happen to come if one of them is much older than the others the younger ones wait for her to go ahead of them or one who is much younger goes last the men stroll in the rear the hostess on reaching the dining room goes to her own place where she stands and tells everyone where he or she is to sit Mary will you sit next to Jim and Lucy on his other side Kate over there, Bobo next to me etc. carving on the table carving is sometimes seen at home dinner tables a certain type of man always likes to carve and such a one does but in 49 houses out of 50 in New York at least the carving is done by the cook in the kitchen a roast while it is still in the roasting pan and close to the range at that so that nothing can possibly get cooled off in the carving after which the pieces are carefully put together again and transferred to an intensely hot platter this method has two advantages over table carving quicker service and hotter food unless a change takes place in the present fashion none except cooks will know anything about carving which was once considered an art necessary to every gentleman the boast of the high born southerner that he could carve a canvas back holding it on his fork will be as unknown as the driving of a foreign hand old fashion butlers sometimes carve in the pantry but in the most modern service all carving is done by the cook cold meats are in the English service put whole on the sideboard and guests cut off whatever they choose themselves in America cold meat is more often sliced and laid on a platter garnished with finely chopped meat jelly and watercress or parsley the stag or bachelor dinner a man's dinner is sometimes called a stag or a bachelor dinner and as its name implies is a dinner given by a man for men only a man's dinner is usually given to celebrate an occasion of welcome or farewell a bachelor dinner is the one given by the groom just before his wedding other dinners are more apt to be given by one man or a group of men in honor of a noted citizen who has returned from a long absence or who is about to embark on an expedition or a foreign mission or a young man may give a dinner in honor of a friend's 21st birthday or an older man may give a dinner merely because he has a quantity of gain which he has shot and wants to share with his special friends nearly always a man's dinner is given at the host's club or his bachelor quarters or in a private room in a hotel but if a man chooses to give a stag dinner in his own house his wife or his mother should not appear for a wife to come downstairs and receive the guests for him cannot be too strongly condemned as out of place such a maneuver on her part instead of impressing his guests with her own grace and beauty only to make them think what a poor worm her husband must be allowing himself to be hen-pecked and for a mother to appear at a son's dinner is, if anything, worse an essential piece of advice to every woman is no matter how much you may want to say how do you do to your husbands or your son's friends don't For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Clareka Etiqueted Society in Business in Politics and at Home by Emily Post Chapter 15 Dinner Giving with Limited Equipment The Service Problem People who live all year in the country are not troubled with formal dinner giving because, accepting on great estates, formality in the country do not go together For the one or two formal dinners which the average city-dweller feels obliged to give every season nothing is easier than to hire professionals it is also economical since nothing is wasted in experiment a cook equal to the gilding chef can be had to come in and cook your dinner at about the price of two char-women skilled butlers or waitresses are to be had in all cities of any size at comparatively reasonable fees the real problem is in giving the innumerable casual and informal dinners for which professionals are not only expensive but inappropriate the problem of limited equipment would not present great difficulty if the tendency of the age were toward a slower pace but the opposite is the case no one wants to be kept waiting a second at table and the world of fashion is growing more impatient and critical instead of less the service of a dinner can however be much simplified and shortened by choosing dishes that do not require accessories dishes that have accompanying condiments nothing so delays the service of a dinner as dishes that must immediately be followed by necessary accessories if there is no one to help the butler or waitress no dish must be included on the menu unless you are only one or two at table or unless your guests are neither critical nor modern that is not complete in itself for instance, fish has nearly always an accompanying dish broiled fish or fish monnier has ice-cold cucumbers sliced as thin as Saratoga chips with a very highly seasoned French dressing or a mixture of cucumbers and tomatoes boiled fish always has mousseline hollandaise, mushroom or egg sauce and round scooped boiled potatoes sprinkled with parsley fried fish must always be accompanied by tartar sauce and pieces of lemon and a boiled fish even if covered with sauce when served is usually followed by additional sauce many meats have condiments roast beef is never served at a dinner party it is a family dish and generally has Yorkshire pudding or roast potatoes on the platter with the roast itself and is followed by pickles or spiced fruit turkey likewise with its chestnut stuffing and accompanying cranberry sauce is not a company dish though excellent for an informal dinner saddle of mutton is a typical company dish all mutton has current jelly lamb has mint sauce or mint jelly partridge or guinea hen must have two sauce boats presented on one tray brown breadcrumbs in one and cream sauce in the other apple sauce goes with barnyard duck the best accompaniment to wild duck is the precisely timed 18 minutes in a quick oven and celery salad which goes with all game need not be especially hurried salad is always the accompaniment of tame game aspects cold meat dishes of all sorts and is itself accompanied by crackers and cheese or cheese souffle or cheese straws special menus of unaccompanied dishes one person can wait on 8 people if dishes are chosen which need no supplements the fewer the dishes to be passed the fewer the hands needed to pass them and yet many housekeepers thoughtlessly order dishes within the list above and then wonder why the dinner is so hopelessly slow when their waitress is usually so good the following suggestions are merely offered in illustration each housekeeper can easily devise further for herself it is not necessary to pass anything whatever with melon or grapefruit or a masadoina fruit or a canapé oysters on the other hand have to be followed by tabasco and buttered brown bread soup needs nothing with it if you do not choose split pea which needs croutons or petite marmite which needs grated cheese fish dishes which are made with sauce in the dish such as sauvon blanc lobster newberg crab ravigote juice especially if in a ring filled with plenty of sauce do not need anything more tartar sauce for fried fish can be put in baskets made of hollowed out lemon rind a basket for each person and used as a garnishing around the dish filet mignon or fillet of beef both of them surrounded by little clumps of vegetables share with chicken casserole and being the lifesavers of the hostess who has one waitress in her dining room another dish but more appropriate to lunch than to dinner is a french chops banked against mashed potatoes or puree of chestnuts and surrounded by string beans or peas none of these dishes requires any following dish whatever not even a vegetable fried chicken with corn fritters on the platter is almost as good as the two beef dishes since the one green vegetable which should go with it can be served leisurely because fried chicken is not quickly eaten and a ring with salad in the center does not require accompanying crackers as immediately as plain lettuce steak and broiled chicken are fairly practical since neither needs gravy condiment or sauce especially if you have a divided vegetable dish so that two vegetables can be passed at the same time if a hostess chooses not necessarily the dishes above but others which approximately take their places she need to have no fear of a slow dinner if her one butler or waitress is at all competent the possibilities of the plain cook in giving informal or little dinners you need never worry because you cannot set the dishes of a professional dinner party cook before your friends or even strangers so long as the food that you are offering is good of its kind it is by no means necessary that your cook should be able to make the clear soup that is one of the tests of the perfect cooked and practically never produced by any other nor is it necessary that she be able to construct commestibial mosaics and sculptures the essential thing is to prevent her from attempting anything she can't do well if she can make certain dishes that are pretty well as good to taste so much the better but remember the more pretentious a dish is the more it challenges criticism if your cook can make neither clear nor cream soup but can make a delicious clam chowder better far to have a clam chowder on no account let her attempt clear green turtle which has about as good a chance to be perfect as a supreme of bone capon in other words, none whatsoever and the same way throughout dinner whichever dishes your own particular norah or selma or marie can do best those are the ones you must have for your dinners another thing it is not important to have variety because you gave the Normans chicken casserole the last time they dined with you is no reason why you should not give it to them again if that is the speciality of the house as the French say a late and greatly loved hostess who Sunday luncheons at a huge country house just outside of Washington were for years one of the outstanding features of Washington's smartest society had the same lunch exactly week after week year after year those who went to her house knew just as well what the dishes would be if they were not situated at her few enormous informal dinners in town her cook was allowed to be magnificently architectural but if you dined with her alone the chances were 10 to 1 that the Sunday chicken and pancakes would appear before you do not experiment for strangers typical dinner party dishes are invariably the temptation no less than the downfall of ambitious ignorance never let an inexperienced cook attempt a new dish for company no matter how attractive her description of it may sound try it out yourself or when you are having family or most intimate friends who will understand if it turns out all wrong that it is a trial dish in fact it is a very good idea to share the testing of it with someone who can help you in suggestions if they are needed for its improvement or supposing you have a cook who is rather poor on all dinner dishes but makes delicious bread and cake and vegetables and oyster stew and cream chicken or even hash you can make a speciality of asking people to supper suppers are necessarily informal but there is no objection in that formal parties play a very small role anyway compared to informal ones there are no end of people and the smartest ones at that who entertain only in the most informal possible way Mrs. Oldname gives at most two formal dinners a year her typical dinners and suppers are for eight proper dishing the dishing is quite as important as the cooking a smear or thumb mark on the edge of a dish is like a spot on the front of a dress water must not be allowed to collect at the bottom of a dish that is why a folded napkin is always put under boiled fish and sometimes under asparagus and dishes must be hot they cannot be too hot meat juice that has started to crust eating far better to have food too hot to eat and let people take their time eating it than that others should suffer the disgust of cold victuals sending in cold food is one of the worst faults next to not knowing how to cook that a cook can have professional or home dining room service just as it is better to hire a professional dinner party cook than to run the risk of attempting a formal dinner with your own Nora or Selma and make sure she is adequate in the same way it is better to have a professional waitress as captain over your own or a professional butler over your own inexperienced one than to have your meal served in spasms and long pauses but if your waitress assisted by the chamber maid perfectly waits on six you will find that they can very nicely manage ten even with accompanied dishes blunders in service if an inexperienced servant blunders you should pretend if you can not to know it never attract anyone's attention to anything by apologizing or explaining unless the accident happens to a guest under ordinary circumstances least said soon as mended is the best policy if a servant blunders it makes the situation much worse to take her to task the cause being usually that she is nervous or ignorant speak if it is necessary to direct her very gently and as kindly as possible your object being to restore confidence not to increase the disorder beckon her to you and tell her as you might tell a child you were teaching give mrs smith a tablespoon not a teaspoon or you have forgotten the fork on that dish never let her feel that you think her stupid but encourage her as much as possible and when she does anything especially well tell her so encouragement of praise nearly all people are quick to censure but rather cherry of praise admonish of course where you must but censure only with justice and don't forget that whether of high estate or humble we all of us like praise sometimes when a guest tells you your dinner is the best he has ever eaten remember that the cook cooked it and tell her it was praised or if the dining room service was silent and quick and perfect tell those who served it how well it was done if you are entertaining all the time you need not commend your household after every dinner you give but if any a special willingness attentiveness or tact is shown don't forget that a little praise is not only mrs justice but is beyond the purse of no one End of Chapter 15 for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org reading by Robin Cotter April 2007 etiquette in society in business in politics and at home by Emily Post Chapter 16 luncheons breakfasts and suppers the invitations although the engraved card is occasionally used for an elaborate luncheon especially for one given in honor of a noted person formal invitations to lunch in very fashionable houses are nearly always written in the first person and rarely sent out more than a week in advance for instance dear mrs kind heart or martha will you lunch with me on Monday the 10th half after one o'clock hoping so much to see you sincerely or affectionately Jane Toplofty if the above lunch were given in honor of somebody mrs eminent for instance the phrase to meet mrs eminent would have been added immediately after the word o'clock at a very large luncheon for which the engraved card might be used to meet mrs eminent would be written across the top of the card of the invitation informal invitations are telephoned nearly always invitation to a stand-up luncheon or breakfast it is breakfast if the hour is twelve or half after and lunch if at one or one thirty is either telephoned or written on an ordinary visiting card Saturday October 2nd luncheon at one o'clock mrs and mrs gilding golden hall if RSVP is added in the lower corner the invitation should be answered otherwise the hostess is obliged to guess how many to provide for or if the hostess prefers a personal note is always courteous dear mrs neighbor we are having a stand-up luncheon on Saturday October 2nd at one o'clock and hope that you and your husband and any guests who may be staying very sincerely yours Alice Toplofty gilding golden hall September 27th a personal note always exacts a reply which may however be telephoned unless the invitation was worded in the formal third person a written answer is more polite if the hostess is somewhat of a stranger to you the formal luncheon of today luncheon being a daylight function is never so formidable as a dinner even though it may be every bit as formal and differ from the latter in minor details only luncheons are generally given by and for ladies but it is not unusual especially in summer places or in town on Saturday or Sunday to include an equal number of gentlemen but no matter how large or formal a luncheon may be there is rarely a chauffeur on the sidewalk or an awning the hostess, instead of receiving at the door sits usually in the center of the room in some place that has an unobstructed approach from the door each guest coming into the room is preceded by the butler to within a short speaking distance of the hostess where he announces the new arrival's name and then stands aside where there is a waitress instead of a butler guests greet the hostess unannounced or if standing takes a step forward shakes hands says I'm so glad to see you or I'm delighted to see you or how do you do she then waits for a second or two to see if the guest who has just come in speaks to anyone if not she makes the necessary introduction when the butler or waitress has counted heads and knows the guests have arrived he or she enters the room bows to the hostess and says luncheon is served if there is a guest of honor the hostess leads the way to the dining room walking beside her otherwise the guests go in twos or threes or even singly just as they happen to come except that the very young make way for their elders and gentlemen stroll in with those they happen to be talking to or if alone fill in the rear even never offer their arms to ladies in going into a luncheon unless there should be an elderly guest of honor who might be taken in by the host as at a dinner but the others follow informally the table candles have no place on a lunch or breakfast table and are used only where a dining room is unfortunately without daylight also a plain to mask tablecloth which must always be put on top of a black table felt it's correct for dinner but not for luncheon the traditional lunch table is bear which does not mean actually bear at all but that it has a centerpiece either round or rectangular or square with placemats to match made in literally unrestricted varieties of linen needlework and lace the centerpiece is anywhere from thirty inches to a yard and a half square on a square on table and from half a yard to a yard wide by length in proportion to the length of a rectangular table the placemats are round or square or rectangular to match and are put at the places or if the table is a refractory one instead of centerpiece and doilies the table is set with a runner not reaching to the edge at the side but falling over both ends or there may be a tablecloth made to fit the table to within an inch or two of its edge occasionally there is a real cloth that hangs over like a dinnercloth but it always has lace or open work and is made of fine linen so that the table shows through the decorations of the table are practically the same as for dinner flowers or a silver ornament or eperign in the center and flower dishes or compotiers or patents filled with ornamental fruit or candy at the corners if the table is very large and rather bare without candles four vases or silver bowls of flowers or ornamental figures are added if the center ornament is of porcelain four porcelain figures to match have at least a logical reason for their presence or a bisque garden set of vases and balustrades with small flowers and vines put in the vases to look as though they were growing follows out from the decoration most people however like a sparsely ornamented table the places are set as for dinner with a place plate three forks, two knives and a small spoon the lunge napkin, which should match the table linen is much smaller than the dinner napkin and is not folded quite the same it is folded like a handkerchief in only four folds four thicknesses the monogrammed or embroidered corner pointing down toward the edge of the table the upper corners then turned sharply under in a flat crease for about a quarter of its diagonal length then the two sides are rolled loosely under making a sort of pillow effect laid sideways with a straight top edge and a pointed lower edge and the monogram displayed in the center another feature of lunch and service which is always omitted at dinner is the bread and butter plate the bread and butter plate the butter plate has been entirely dispossessed by the bread and butter plate which is part of the lunch and service always as well as of breakfast and supper it is a very small plate about five and a half to six and a half inches in diameter and is put at the left side of each place just beyond the forks butter is sometimes put on the plate by the servant as in a restaurant usually it is passed hot breads are an important feature of every luncheon hot crescents, soda biscuits, bread biscuits dinner rolls or cornbread the latter baked in small pans like pie plates four inches in diameter very thin bread that is roasted in the oven until it is curled and light brown exactly like a large Saratoga chip is often made for those who don't eat butter and is also suitable for dinner because double baked bread toast and one or two of the above varieties are all put in an old fashioned silver cake basket or actual basket of wicker and passed as often as necessary butter is also passed or helped throughout the meal until the table is cleared for dessert bread and butter plates are always removed with the salt and pepper pots the service of luncheon the service is identical with that of dinner carving is done in the kitchen and no food set on the table except ornamental dishes of fruit candy and nuts the plate service is also the same as at dinner the places are never left plateless excepting after salad when the table is cleared and crumbed for dessert the dessert plates and finger bowls are arranged as for dinner flowers are usually put in the finger bowls a little spray of any sweet scented flour but corsage bouquets laid at the places with flower pins complete are in very bad taste the luncheon menu five courses at most not counting the passing of a dish of candy or after dinner coffee as a course or more usually four actual courses are thought sufficient in the smartest houses not even at the worldlies or the gildings will you ever see a longer menu then fruit or soup in cups two eggs three meat and vegetables four salad five dessert or one fruit two soup three meat and vegetables four salad five dessert or one fruit two soup three eggs four fowl or tame with salad five dessert an informal lunch menu is seldom more than four courses and would eliminate either number one or number two or number five the most popular fruit course is a macedon or a mixture of fresh orange grapefruit, malaga grapes banana and perhaps a peach or a little pineapple in fact any sort of fruit cut into very small pieces with sugar and maraschino for flavor or nothing but sugar served in special bowl shaped glasses that fit into long stemmed and much larger ones with a space for crushed ice between or it can just as well be put in champagne or any bowl shaped glasses after being kept as cold as possible in the ice box until sent to the table if the first course is grapefruit it is cut across in half the sections cut free and all dividing skin and seeds taken out with a sharp vegetable knife and sugar put in it and left standing for an hour or so a slice of melon is served plain soup at luncheon or at a wedding breakfast or a ball supper is never served in soup plates but in two handled cups and is eaten with a teaspoon or a bouillon spoon it is limited to a few varieties either chicken or clam broth with a spoon full of whipped cream on top or bouillon or green turtle or strained chicken or tomato broth or in summer cold bouillon or broth lunch party egg dishes must number a hundred varieties see any cookbook eggs that are substantial and rich such as eggs benedict or stuffed with pâté de foie gras and a mushroom sauce should then be balanced by a simple meat such as broiled chicken and salad combining meat and salad courses on the other hand should you have a light egg course like eggs surprise you could have meat and vegetables and a plain salad or an elaborate salad and no dessert or with fruit and soup omit eggs especially if there is to be an aspect with salad the menu of an informal luncheon if it does not leave out a course at least chooses simpler dishes a bouillon or broth or scrambled eggs on toast which is first been spread with a pâté or meat puree then chicken or a chop with vegetables a salad of plain lettuce with crackers and cheese and a pudding or pie or any other family dessert or broiled chicken chicken croquettes or an aspect is served with the salad in very hot weather while cold food is both appropriate and palatable no meal should ever be chosen at least one course of hot food many people dislike cold food and it disagrees with others but if you offer your guests soup or even tea or chocolate it would then do to have the rest of the meal cold luncheon beverages it is an American custom especially in communities where the five o'clock tea habit is neither so strong nor so universal as in New York for the lady of a house the tea set put before her at the table not only when alone but when having friends lunching informally with her and to pour tea, coffee or chocolate and there is certainly not the slightest reason why if she is used to these beverages and would feel their omission she should not pour out what she chooses in fact although tea is never served hot at formal New York luncheons iced tea is customary for the ladies in summer and chocolate not poured by the hostess but brought in from the pantry and put down at the right of each plate is by no means unusual at informal lunch parties iced tea at lunch in summer is poured at the table by a servant from a glass pitcher and is prepared like a cup with lemon and sugar and sometimes with cut up fresh fruit and a little squeezed fruit juice having a cold tea may be passed in glasses and lemon and sugar separately at an informal luncheon cold coffee instead of tea is passed around in a glass pitcher on a tray that also holds a bowl of powdered sugar and a pitcher of cold milk and another as of thick as possible cream the guests pour their coffee to suit themselves into tall glasses half full of broken ice and furnished with very long handled spoons if tea or coffee or chocolate are not served during the meal there is always a cup of some sort grape or orange juice in these days with sugar and mint leaves and ginger ale or carbonic water if dessert is a hot pudding or pastry the hotel service of dessert plates should be used the glass plate is particularly suitable for ice cream or any cold dessert but is apt to crack if intensely hot food is put on it details of etiquette at luncheons gentlemen leave their coats hats sticks in the hall ladies leave heavy outer wraps in the hall or dressing room but always go into the drawing room with their hats and gloves on they wear their fur neck pieces and carry their muffs in their hands if they choose or they leave them in the hall or dressing room but fashionable ladies never take off their hats even the hostess herself almost invariably wears a hat at a formal luncheon in her own house though there is no reason why she should not be hatless if she prefers or if she thinks she is prettier without guests however do not take off their hats at a lunch party or even in the country they take off their gloves at the table or sooner if they choose and either remove or turn up their veils the hostess does not wear gloves ever it is also very unsuitable for a hostess to wear a face veil in her own house unless there is something the matter with her face that must not be subjected to view a hostess in a veil does not give her guests their beauty but the contrary guests on the other hand may with perfect fitness keep their veils on throughout the meal merely fastening the lower edge up over their noses they must not allow a veil to hang loose and carry food under and behind it nor must they eat with gloves on a veil kept persistently over the face and gloves kept persistently over the hands means one thing uglyness behind so unless you have to don't the wearing of elaborate dresses at luncheons has gone entirely out of fashion and yet one does once in a while see an occasional lady rarely a New Yorker who outshines a bird of paradise and a jeweler's window but New York women of distinction wear rather simple clothes simple meaning untrimmed not inexpensive very conspicuous clothes are chosen either by the new rich to assure themselves of their own elegance which is utterly lacking or by the mutton's dressed lamb fashion to assure themselves of their own youth which alas is gone gentlemen at luncheon in town on a Sunday wear cutaway coats in other words what they wear to church on a Saturday they wear their business suits sack coat with either stiff or pleated bosom shirts and a starched collar they wear country clothes what the servants wear a butler wears his morning clothes cutaway coat, grey striped trousers high black waistcoat black tie a hired waiter wears a dress suit but never a butler in a smart house he does not put on his evening clothes until after six o'clock in a smart house the footmen wear their dress liveries and the maid's wear their best uniforms the guests leave the usual lunch hour is half past one by a quarter to three the last guest is invariably gone unless of course it is a bridge luncheon or for some other reason they are staying longer from half an hour to three quarters at the table and from twenty minutes to half an hour's conversation afterwards means that by half past two if lunch was prompt the guests begin leaving once in a while especially at a mixed lunch where perhaps talented people are persuaded to become entertainers the audience stays on for hours but such parties are so out of the usual that they have nothing to do with the ordinary procedure which is to leave about twenty minutes after the end of the meal the details for leaving are also the same as for dinners one lady rises and says goodbye and shakes hands and rings a bell if necessary for the servant to be in the hall to open the door when one guest gets up to go the others invariably follow they say goodbye and thank you so much or at a little luncheon intimate friends often stay on indefinitely but when lunching with an acquaintance one should never stay a moment longer than the other guests the guest who sits on and on unless earnestly pressed to do so is wanting intact and social sense if a hostess invites a stranger who might by any chance prove a barnacle she can provide for the contingency by instructing her butler or waitress to tell her when her car is at the door she then says I had to have the car announced because I have an appointment at the doctors do wait while I put on my things I shall be only a moment and I can take you wherever you want to go this expedient should not be used when a hostess has leisure to sit at home but on the other hand a guest should never create an awkward situation for her hostess by staying too long in the country where people live miles apart they naturally stay somewhat longer than in town or two or three intimate friends who perhaps especially in the country come to spend the day are not bound by rules of etiquette but by the rules of their own personal preference they take off their hats or not as they choose and they bring their sewing or knitting and sit all day or they go out and play games and in other ways behave as house guests rather than visitors at luncheon the only rule about such an informal gathering as this is that no one should ever go and spend the day and make herself at home unless she is in the house of a really very intimate friend or relative or unless she has been especially and specifically invited to do that very thing the stand up luncheon this is nothing more nor less than a buffet lunch it is popular because it is a very informal and jolly sort of party an indoor picnic really and never attempted except among people who know each other well the food is all put on the dining table and everyone helps himself there is always bouillon or oyster stew or clam chowder the most informal dishes are suitable for this sort of a meal as for a picnic there are two hot dishes and a salad and a dessert which may be but seldom is ice cream stand up luncheons are very practical for hostesses who have medium sized houses or when an elastic number of guests are expected at the time of a ball game or other event that congregates a great many people for breakfast is usually a stand up luncheon it is a breakfast by courtesy of half an hour in time at twelve thirty it is breakfast at one o'clock it is lunch regular weekly stand up luncheons are given by hospitable people who have big places in the country and encourage their friends to drive over on some special day when they are at home Saturdays or Sundays generally and intimate friends drop in uninvited for on such occasions luncheon is made a little more comfortable by providing innumerable individual tables to which people can carry the plates, glasses or cups and sit down in comfort suppers supper is the most intimate meal there is and since none but family or closest friends are ever included invitations are invariably by word of mouth the atmosphere of a luncheon is often formal but informal luncheons and suppers differ in nothing except day and evening lights and clothes strangers are occasionally invited to informal luncheons but only intimate friends are bitten to supper the supper table the table is set as to places and napery exactly like the lunch table with the addition of candlesticks or candelabra as at dinner where supper differs from the usual lunch table is that in front of the hostess is a big silver tea tray with full silver service for tea or cocoa or chocolate or breakfast coffee most often chocolate or cocoa and either tea or coffee at the host's end of the table there is perhaps a chafing dish that is if the host fancies himself a cook a number of people whose establishments are not very large have very informal Sunday night suppers forage for themselves the table is left set a cold dish of something and salad are left in the ice box the ingredients for one or two chafing dish specialties are also left ready at supper time a member of the family and possibly an intimate friend or two carry the dishes to the table and make hot toast on a toaster this kind of supper is in fact as well as spirit an indoor picnic thought to be the greatest fun by the kind hearts but little appreciated by the gildings which brings it down with so many other social customs to a mere matter of personal taste End of Chapter 16 Recording by Jenalee etiquette in society in business in politics and at home by Emily Post Chapter 17 Balls and Dances, Part 1 A ball is the only social function in America to which such qualifying words as splendor and magnificence can with proper modesty of expression be applied even the most elaborate wedding is not quite a scene of splendor and magnificence no matter how luxurious the decorations or how costly the dress of the bride and bridesmaids because the majority of the wedding guests do not complete the picture a dinner may be lavish a dance may be beautiful but a ball alone is prodigal meaning of course a private ball of greatest importance on rare occasions a great ball is given in a private house but since few houses are big enough to provide dancing space for several hundred and sit down supper space for a greater number still besides smoking room, dressing room and sitting about space it would seem logical to describe a typical ball as taking place in the ballroom suite built for the purpose in nearly all hotels a hostess prepares to give a ball the hostess who is not giving the ball in her own house goes first of all to see the manager of the hotel or of whatever suitable assembly rooms there may be and finds out which evenings are available she then telephones probably from the manager's office and engages the two best orchestras for whichever evening both the orchestras and the ballroom are at her disposal of the two music is of more importance than rooms with perfect music the success of a ball is more than three quarters assured without it the most beautiful decorations and most delicious supper are as flat to play you cannot give a ball or a dance that is anything but a dull promenade if you have dull music to illustrate the importance that prominent hostesses attach to music a certain orchestra in New York today is forced to dash almost daily not alone from party to party but from city to city time and again its leader has conducted the music at a noon wedding in Philadelphia and a ball in Boston or a dancing tea in Providence and a ball that evening in New York because Boston, Providence, New York and Philadelphia hostesses all at the present moment clamor for this one special orchestra the men have a little more respite than the leader since it is his leading that everyone insists upon tomorrow another orchestra will probably make the daily tour of various city's ballrooms at all balls there must be two orchestras so that each time a man finishes playing the other begins at very dignified private balls dancers should not stand in the middle of the floor and clap as they do in a dance hall or cabaret if the music ends on the other hand the music should not end having secured the music and engaged the ballroom reception rooms dressing rooms and smoking room as well as the main restaurant after it is close to the public the hostess next makes out her list and orders without her invitations invitations the fundamental difference between a ball and a dance is that people of all ages are asked to a ball while only those of approximately one age are asked to a dance once in a while a ball is given to which the hostess invites every person on her visiting list Mr. and Mrs. Titherington Depoister give one every season which although a credit to their intentions is seldom a credit to their sense of beauty snobbish as it sounds and is a brilliant ball is necessarily a collection of brilliantly fashionable people and the hostess who gathers in all the oddly assorted frumps on the outskirts of society cannot expect to achieve a very distinguished result ball invitations properly include all of the personal friends of the hostess no matter what their age and all her better known social acquaintances meaning everyone she would be likely to invite to a formal dinner she does not usually invite a lady with whom she may work on a charitable committee even though she may know her well and like her the question as to whether an outsider may be invited is not a matter of a hostess's own inclination so much as a question whether the outsider would be agreeable to all the insiders who are coming if the coworker is in everything a lady and a fitting ornament to society the hostess might very possibly ask her if the ball is to be given for a debutante all the debutante whose mothers who are on the general visiting list are asked as well as all young dancing men in these same families in other words the children of all those whose names are on the general visiting list of a hostess are selected to receive invitations but the parents on who standing the daughters and sons are asked are rarely invited when a list is borrowed a lady who has a debutante daughter but who has not given any general parties for years or ever and whose daughter having been away at boarding school or abroad has therefore very few acquaintances of her own must necessarily in sending out invitations to a ball take the list of young girls and men from a friend or a member of her family this of course could only be done by a hostess whose position is unquestioned but having had no occasion to keep a young people's list she has not the least idea who the young people of the moment are and takes a short cut as above otherwise she would send invitations to children of ten and spinsters of forty trusting to their being of suitable age to take a family or intimate friends list is also important to the unaccustomed hostess because to leave out any of the younger set who belong in the groups which are included is not the way to make a party a success those who don't find their friends go home or stay in our board and the whole party sags in consequence so that if a hostess knows the parents personally of let us say eighty percent of young society she can quite properly include the twenty percent she does not know so that the hundred percent can come together in a small community it is rather cruel to leave out any of the young people whose friends are all invited in a very great city on the other hand and habitual hostess does not ask any to her house whom she does not know but she can of course be as generous as she chooses in allowing young people to have invitations for friends asking for an invitation to a ball it is always permissible to ask a hostess if you may bring a dancing man who is a stranger to her it is rather difficult to ask for an invitation for an extra girl and still more difficult to ask for older people because the hostess has no grounds on which she can refuse without being rude she can say there is no room since no dance is really limited at least of all a ball men who dance are always an asset and the more the better but a strange young girl hung around the neck of the hostess is about as welcome as a fog at a garden party if the girl is to be brought and looked after by the lady asking for the invitation who has herself been already invited that is another matter and the hostess cannot well eject or if the girl is the fiancee of the man whose mother asks for the invitation that is alright too since he will undoubtedly come with her and see that she is not left alone invitations for older people are never asked for unless they are rather distinguished strangers and unquestionably suitable invitations are never asked for persons whom the hostess already knows since she had cared to invite them she would have done so it is however not at all out of the way for an intimate friend to remind her of someone who in receiving no invitation has more than likely been overlooked if the omission was intentional nothing need be said if it was an oversight the hostess is very glad to repair her forgetfulness invitations for strangers an invitation that has been asked for a stranger is sent direct and without comment for instance when the great lakes of chicago came to new york for a few weeks mrs. norman asked both mr. worldly and mr. gilding to send them invitations one to a musical and the other to a ball the great lakes received these invitations without mrs. norman's card enclosed or any other word of explanation as it was taken for granted that mrs. norman would tell the great lakes that it was through her that the invitations were sent the great lake said thank you very much for asking us when they bid their hostess good night and they also left their cards immediately on the worldlies and gildings after the parties but it was also the duty of mrs. norman to thank both hostesses verbally for sending the invitations decorations so far as good taste is concerned the decorations for a ball cannot be too lavish or beautiful to be sure they should not be lavish if one's purse is limited but if one's purse is really limited one should not give a ball a small dance or a dancing tea would be more suitable ball decorations have on occasions been literally astounding but as a rule no elaboration is undertaken other than hanging greens and flowers over the edge of the gallery if there is a gallery banking palms and corners and putting up sheaves of flowers or trailing vines wherever most effective in any event the hostess consults her florist but if the decorations are to be very important an architect or an artist is put in charge with a florist under him the ball beautiful certain sounds perfumes, places always bring associated pictures to mind restaurant suppers, Paris distinguished looking audiences London the essence of charm in society Rome beguiling and informal joyousness so recklessness, Colorado Springs the afternoon visit Washington hectic and splendid gaiety New York beautiful balls, Boston there are three reasons probably more why the balls in Boston have what can be described only by the word quality the word elegance before it was misused out of existence expressed it even better first best society in Boston having kept walls intact granting admission only to those of birth and breeding has therefore preserved equality of unmistakable cultivation there are undoubtedly other cities especially in the south which have also kept their walls up and their traditions intact but Boston has been the wise virgin as well and has kept her lamp filled second Boston hostesses of position have never failed to demand of those who would remain on their lists of obedience to the tenets of ceremonies and dignified behavior nor ceased themselves to cultivate something of the grand manner that should be the birthright of every thoroughbred lady and gentleman third Boston's older ladies and gentlemen always dance at balls and they neither rock around the floor nor take their dancing violently and the fact that older ladies of distinction dance with dignity has an inevitable effect upon younger ones so that at balls at least dancing has not degenerated into gymnastics or contortions the extreme reverse of a smart Boston ball is one no matter where which has a room full of people who deport themselves abominably who greet each other by waving their arms aloft who dance like apaches or jiggling music box figures and who scarcely suggest an assemblage of even decent let alone well bred people supper a sit down supper that served continuously for two or three hours is the most elaborate ball supper next in importance is the sit down supper at a set time third the buffet supper which is served at dances but not at balls at the most fashionable New York balls supper service begins at one and continues until three and people go when they feel like it the restaurant is closed to the public at one o'clock the entrance is then curtain or shut off from the rest of the hotel the tables are decorated with flowers and the supper service open for the ball guests guests sit where they please either making up a table or a man and his partner finding a place wherever there are two vacant chairs at a private ball guests do not pay for anything or sign supper checks or tip the waiter since the restaurant is for the time being the private dining room of the host and hostess at a sit down supper at a set hour the choice of menu is unlimited but suppers are never as elaborate now as they used to be years ago few balls were given without terrapin and the supper without champagne was unheard of in fact champagne was the heaviest item of expenditure always decorations might be very limited but champagne was as essential as music cotillion favors were also an important item which no longer exists and champagne has gone its way with nectar to the land of fable so that if you eliminate elaborate decorations ball giving is not half the expense it used to be for a sit down supper that is continuous when the service of supper continues for several hours it is necessary to select food that can be kept hot indefinitely without being spoiled birds or broiled chicken which should be eaten the moment they are cooked are therefore unsuitable dishes prepared in sauce keep best such as lobster newburg sweetbreads and mushrooms chicken a la king or creamed oysters pâtés are satisfactory as the shells can be heated in a moment and hot creamed chicken or oysters poured in of course all cold dishes and salads can stand in the pantry or on a buffet table all evening the menu for supper at a ball is entirely a matter of the hostess selection but whether it is served at one time or continuously the supper menu at an important ball includes one bouillon or green turtle clear in cups two lobster a la newburg or terrapin or oyster pâté or another hot dish of shellfish or fowl three a second choice hot dish of some sort squab chicken and peas if supper is served at a special hour or croquettes and peas if continuous four salad which includes every variety known with or without an aspect five individual ices fancy cakes six black coffee in little cups breakfast served at about four in the morning and consisting of scrambled eggs with sausages or bacon and breakfast coffee and rolls is an occasional custom at both dances and balls there is always an enormous glass bowl of punch or orangeade two or three bowls each containing a different iced drink in a room adjoining the ballroom and in very cold climates it is the thoughtful custom of some hostesses to have a cup of hot chocolate or bouillon offered each departing guest this is an especially welcome attention to those who have a long drive home a dance a dance is merely a ball on a smaller scale fewer people are asked to it and it has usually but not necessarily simpler decorations but the real difference is that invitations to balls always include older people as many if not more than younger ones whereas invitations to a dance for a debutante for instance include none but very young girls young men and the merest handful of the hostesses most intimate friends supper may equally be a simple buffet or an elaborate sit down one depending on the size and the type of house or a dance may equally well as a ball be given in the banquet or smaller ballroom of a hotel or in the assembly or ballroom of a club a formal dance differs from an informal one merely an elaboration and in whether the majority of those present are strangers to one another a really informal dance is one to which only those who know one another well are invited details of preparation for a ball or dance in a private house there is always an awning and a red carpet down the steps or up and a chauffeur to open the carriage doors and a policeman or detective to see that strangers do not walk uninvited into the house if there is a great crush there is a detective in the hall to investigate anyone who does not have himself announced to the hostess all the necessary appartenances such as awning red carpet coat hanging racks ballroom chairs as well as crockery glass napkins and food are supplied by hotels or caterers accepting in houses like the guildings where footmen's liveries are kept purposely the caterers men are never in footmen's liveries unless a house has a ballroom the room selected for dancing must have all the furniture moved out of it and if there are adjoining rooms and the dancing room is not especially big it adds considerably to the floor space to put no chairs around it those who dance seldom sit around a ballroom anyway and the more informal grouping of chairs in the hall or library is a better arrangement than the wainscot row or wallflower exposition grounds the floor it goes without saying must be smooth and waxed and no one should attempt to give a dance whose house is not big enough etiquette in the ballroom New York's invitations are usually for 10 o'clock but first guests do not appear before 10.30 and most people arrive at about 11 or after the hostess, however, must be ready to receive on the stroke of the hour specified in her invitations and the debutante or anyone the ball may be given for must also be with her it is not customary to put the debutante's name on the formal at-home invitation and it is even occasionally omitted on invitations that request the pleasure of blank so that the only way acquaintances can know the ball is being given for the daughter is by seeing her standing beside her mother Mr. and Mrs. Robert Gilding request the pleasure of name of guest is written here company on Tuesday the 27th of December at 10 o'clock at the Fitz Cherry Dancing RSVP 23 East Laurel Street the hostess never leaves her post wherever it is she is standing until she goes to supper if as at the Ritz in New York the ballroom opens on a foyer at the head of a stairway the hostess always receives at this place in a private house where guests go up in an elevator to the dressing rooms and then walk down to the ballroom floor the hostess receives either at the foot of the stairway or just outside the ballroom the hostess at a ball guests arriving are announced as at a dinner or afternoon tea and after shaking hands with the hostess they must pass on into the ballroom it is not etiquette to linger beside the hostess for more than a moment especially if later arrivals are being announced a stranger ought never to go to a ball alone as the hostess is powerless to look after any special guests her duty being to stand in one precise place and receive a stranger who is a particular friend of the hostess would be looked after by the host but a stranger who is invited through another guest should be looked after by that other a gentleman who has received an invitation through a friend is usually accompanied by the friend who presents him otherwise when the butler announces him to the hostess he bows and says Mr. Norman asked you if I might come and the hostess shakes hands and says how do you do I am very glad to see you if other young men or any young girls are standing near the hostess very likely introduces him otherwise if he knows no one he waits among the stags until his own particular sponsor appears after supper when she is no longer receiving the hostess is free to talk with her friends and give her attention to the room full of young people who are actually in her charge when her guests leave she does not go back to where she received but stands wherever she happens to be shakes hands and says good night there is one occasion when it is better not to bid one's hostess good night and that is if one finds her party and leaves again immediately in this one case it is more polite to slip away so as to attract least attention possible but late in the evening it is inexcusably ill mannered not to find her and say good night and thank you the duty of seeing that guests are looked after that shy youths are presented to partners that shy are girls are not left on the far wall flower outposts that the dow wagers are taken into supper and that the elderly gentlemen with the cigars in the smoking room falls to the host and his son or son-in-law or any other near male member of the family masquerade vouchers vouchers or tickets of admission like those sent with invitations to assembly or public balls should be enclosed in invitations to a masquerade it would be too easy otherwise for dishonest or other undesirable persons to gain admittance if vouchers are not sent with the invitations better yet, mailed afterwards to all those who have accepted it is necessary that the hostess receive her guests singly in a small private room and request each to unmask before her how to walk across a ballroom if you analyze the precepts laid down by etiquette you will find that for each there is a perfectly good reason years ago a lady never walked across a ballroom floor without the support of a gentleman's arm which was much walking alone across a very slippery surface in high-heeled slippers when the late Ward McAllister classified New York society as having 400 people who were at ease in a ballroom he indicated that the ballroom was the test of the best manners he also said at a dinner after his book was published and the country had already made New York's 400 a theme for cartoons and jests that among the 400 who were at ease not more than 10 could gracefully walk across a ballroom floor alone if his ghost is haunting the ballrooms of our time it is certain the number is still further reduced the athletic young woman of today strides across the ballroom floor as though she were on the golf course the happy-go-lucky one ambles shoulders stooped, arms swinging hips and head in advance of chest others trot, others shuffle others make a rush for it the young girl who could walk across a room with the consummate grace the Mrs. Oldname who as a girl of 18 was one of Mr. McAllister's 10 would have to be very assiduously sought for how does Mrs. Oldname walk? one might answer by describing how Pavloa dances her body is perfectly balanced she holds herself straight and yet in nothing suggests a ramrod she takes steps of medium length and like all people who move and dance well walks from the hip not the knee on no account does she swing her arms nor does she rest a hand on her hip nor when walking does she wave her hands about in gesticulation someone asked her if she had ever been taught to cross a ballroom floor as a matter of fact she had her grandmother who was a top lofty made all her grandchildren walk daily across a polished floor with sandbags on their heads and the old lady directed the drill herself no shuffling of feet and no stamping either no waggling of hips no swinging of arms and not a shoulder stooped furthermore they were taught to enter a room and to sit for an indefinite period in self-effacing silence while their elders were talking older gentlemen still give their arms to older ladies in all promenading at a dance since the customs of a lifetime are not broken by one short and modern generation those of today walk side by side often going down to supper when supper is at a set hour at public balls when there is a grand march ladies take gentlemen's arms end of balls and dances part one chapter 17 of etiquette balls and dances part two this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Micah Lubyshak etiquette in society in business in politics and at home by Emily Post chapter 17 balls and dances part two distinction vanished with Catillion the glittering display of tinsel satin favors that used to be the featured and gayest decoration of every ballroom is gone the Catillion leader his hands full of seat checks and mirrors across between those of Lord Chesterfield and a traffic policeman is gone and much of the distinction that used to be characteristic of the ballroom is gone with the Catillion there is no question that a Catillion was prettier to look at than a mob scene of dancers crowding each other for every few inches of progress the reason why Catillions were conducive to good manners was that people were on exhibition where now they are unnoticed components of a general crowd when only a sixth at most of those in the room danced while others had nothing to do but watch them it was only natural that those on exhibition should dance as well as they possibly could and since they're walking across the room and asking others to dance by offering a favor was also watched grace of deportment and correct manners were not likely to deteriorate either the Catillion was detested and finally banned by the majority who wanted to dance ceaselessly throughout the evening but it was of particular advantage to the very young girl who did not know many men as well as to what might be called the helpless type each young girl if she had a partner had a place where she belonged and where she sat throughout the evening and since no couple could dance longer than the few moments allowed by the figure there was no chance of anyone being stuck so that the average girl had a better chance of being asked to dance than now when without programs and without Catilians there is nothing to relieve the permanency of a young man's attachment to an unknown young girl once he asks her to dance the ordeal by ballroom instead of being easier it would seem that time makes it increasingly difficult for any but distinct successes to survive the ordeal by ballroom years ago a debutante was supposed to flutter into society in the shadow of mama's protecting amplitude today she is packed off by herself and with nothing to relieve her dependence upon whoever may come near her to liken a charming young girl in the prettiest of rocks to a spider is not very courteous and yet the role of spider is what she is forced by the exigencies of ballroom etiquette to play she must catch a fly meaning a trousered companion so as not to be left in placarded disgrace and having caught him she must hang on to him until another takes his place there should be drastic revision of ballroom customs there is a desperate need of what in local dancing classes was called the dump where without rudeness a gentleman could leave a lady as soon as they had finished dancing there used to be a chaperon into whose care a young girl could be committed there used to be the dance card or program still in vogue at public balls that allotted a certain dance to a certain gentleman and lady equally there used to be the catillion which while cruel at least committed its acts of cruelty with merciful dispatch when the catillion began the girl who had no partner went home she had to now once she has acquired a companion he is planted beside her until another takes his place it is this fact and no other which is responsible for the dread that the average young girl feels facing the ordeal of a ballroom and for the discourteous unconcerned shown by dancing men who under other conditions would be friendly the situation of a young girl left cruelly alone draws its own picture but the reason for the callous and ill mannered behavior of the average dancing man may perhaps need a word of explanation for instance Jim smartlington when he was a senior at college came down to the top lofty's table on purpose to see mary smith very early before mary arrived he saw a miss blank a girl he had met at a dinner in providence standing at the entrance of the room following a casual impulse of friendliness he asked her to dance she danced badly no one cut in and they danced and danced sat down and danced again mary arrived jim walked miss blank near the stag line and introduced several men who bowed and slid out of sight with the dexterity of eels who recognized a hook from half past ten until supper at half past one jim was planted he was then forced to tell her he had a partner for supper and left her at the door of the dressing room there was no other place to leave her he felt like a brute and a cat even though he had waited nearly three hours before being able to speak to the girl he had come purposely to see there really is something to be said on the man's side especially on that one who has to get up early in the morning and who only intending to see one or two particular friends and then go home is forced because of an impulse of courtesy not only to spend an endless and exhausting evening but to be utterly unfit for his work next day one is equally sorry for the girl but in the example above her stupid handling of the situation not only spoiled one well-intentioned man's evening but completely finished herself so far as her future chances for success were concerned not alone her partner but every brother stag who stood in the doorway mentally placarded her keep off it is suicidal for a girl to make any man spend an entire evening with her if at the end of two dances there is no intimate friend she can signal to or an older lady she can insist on being left with she should go home and if the same thing happens several times she should not go to balls for the reasons given above there is little that a hostess or host can do unless a promise of release is held out and that in itself is a deplorable situation a humiliation that no young girl's name should be submitted to and yet there it is it is only necessary for a hostess to say I want to introduce you to a charming and she is already speaking to the air Boston hostesses solve the problem of a young girl's success in a ballroom in a way unknown in New York by having the ushers ushers each hostess chooses from among the best known young men in society who have perfect address and tact a number to act as ushers they are distinguished by white boutonniers like those worn by ushers at a wedding and they are deputy hosts it is their duty to see that wallflowers are not left decorating the seats of the ballroom and it is also their duty to relieve a partner who has too long been planted beside the same rosebud the ushers themselves have little chance to follow their own inclinations and unless the honor of being chosen by a prominent hostess has some measure of compensation the appointment since it may not be refused is a doubtful pleasure an usher has the right to introduce anyone to anyone without knowing either principal and without asking any ladies permission he may also ask a lady if he has a moment to himself to dance with him whether he has ever met her or not and he can also leave her promptly because any stag called upon by an usher must dance the usher in turn must release every stag he calls upon by substituting another and the second by third and so on in order to make a ball go meaning to keep everyone dancing the ushers on occasions to spend the entire evening in relief work at a ball where there are ushers a girl standing or sitting alone would at once be rescued by one of them and a rotation of partners presented to her if she is hopeless meaning neither pretty nor attractive nor a good dancer even the ushers are in time forced to relieve her partners and take her to a dowager friend of the hostess beside whom she will be obliged to sit until she can make her popularity otherware than at balls on the other hand on an occasion when none of her friends happen to be present the greatest bell of the year can spend an equally deadly evening the dance program the program or dance card of public balls and college class dances has undeniable advantages a girl can give as many dances as she chooses to whomever she chooses and a man can be sure of having not only many but uninterrupted dances with the one he most wants to be with provided she is willing while the dance card is unheard of at private balls in New York is hard to determine except that fashionable society does not care to take its pleasure on schedule the gilded youth likes to dance when the impulse moves him he also likes to be able to stay or leave when he pleases in New York there are often two or three dances given on the same evening and he likes to drift from one to the other just as he likes to drift from one partner to another or not dance at all if he does not want to a man who writes himself down for the tenth jazz must be eagerly appearing on the stroke of the first bar or if he does not engage his partners busily at the opening of the evening he cannot dance at all he may not want to but he hates not being able to so again we come back to the present situation and the problem of the average young girl whose right it is because of her youth and sweetness to be happy and young and not to be terrified, wretched and neglected the one and only solution seems to be for her to join a group the flock system of the wise fledglings if a number of young girls and young men come together better yet if they go everywhere together always sit in a flock always go to supper together they not only have a good time but they are sure to be popular with drifting odd men also if a man knows that having asked a girl to dance one of her group will inevitably cut in he is eager to dance with her or if he can take her to the others when they have danced long enough he is not only delighted to be with her for a while but to sit with her and the others off and on throughout that and every other evening because since there are always some of them together and he chooses certain groups of clever girls sit in precisely the same place in a ballroom to the right of the door or the left or in a corner one might almost say they form a little club they dance as much as they like but come back home between wiles they all go to supper together and whether individuals have partners or not is scarcely noticeable nor even known by themselves no young girl unless she is a marked favorite she must go to a ball alone if her special flock has not as yet been systematized she must go to a dinner before every dance so as to go and stay with a group if she is not asked to dinner her mother must give one for her or she must have at least one dependable bow or better two who will wait for her and look out for her maid goes with her a young girl who goes to a ball without a chaperone of course a private ball takes a maid with her who sits in the dressing room the entire evening not only is it thought proper to have a maid waiting but nothing can add more to the panic of a partnerless girl than to feel she has not even a means of escape by going home she can always call a taxi as long as her maid is with her and go otherwise she either has to stay in the ballroom or sit for Lorne among the visiting maids in the dressing room which makes a young girl a ballroom success much of the above is so pessimistic one might suppose that a ballroom is always a chamber of torture and the young girl taken as an example above a very drab and distorted caricature of what a real young girl should be and is but remember the young girl who is a bell of the ballroom needs no advice on how to manage a happy situation no thought spent on how to make a perfect time better the ballroom is the most wonderful stage setting there is for the girl who is a ballroom success and for this a special talents are needed just as they are for art or sport or any other accomplishment the great ballroom success first and foremost dances well almost always she is pretty beauty counts enormously at a ball the girl who is beautiful and dances well is of course the ideal ballroom bell but this for encouragement these qualities can in a measure at least be acquired all things being more or less equal the girl who dances best has the most partners let a daughter in venus or the heiress of my just stands badly and she might better stay at home to dance divinely is an immortal gift but to dance well can except in obstinate cases as the advertisements say be taught let us suppose therefore that she dances well but she has a certain degree of looks that she is fairly intelligent the next most important thing after dancing well is to be unafraid and to look as though she were having a good time conversational cleverness is of no account in a ballroom some of the greatest bells ever known have been a stupidest sheep but they have had happy dispositions and charming and unselfconscious manners there is one thing every girl who would really be popular should learn self-unconsciousness the best advice might be to follow somewhat the precepts of mental science and make herself believe that a good time exists in her own mind if she can become possessed with the idea that she is having a good time and look as though she were the psychological effect is astonishing cutting in when one of the stags standing in the doorway sees a girl dance past whom he wants to dance with forward lays his hand on the shoulder of her partner who relinquishes his place in favor of the newcomer and a third and turned as the same to him or the one who was first dancing with her may cut in on the partner who took her from him after she has danced once around the ballroom this seemingly far from polite maneuver is considered correct behavior in best society in Boston, New York, Philadelphia Buffalo, Pittsburgh Chicago, San Francisco and therefore most likely in all parts of America not in London nor on the continent at dances organized during the war in the canteens for soldiers and sailors on furlough the men refused to cut in because they thought it was rude and undoubtedly it is except that custom has made it acceptable if however it still seems rude to the young men of other town to cut in then they should not do so sitting out dances on the other hand if a girl is sitting in another room or on the stairs of the man alone a second one should not interrupt or ask her to dance if she is sitting in a group he can go up and ask her don't you want to dance some of this she then either smiles and says not just now I am very tired or if she likes him she may add come and sit with us to refuse to dance with one man and then immediately dance with another is an open front to the first one excusable only if he was intoxicated or otherwise actually offensive so that the front was both intentional and justifiable but under ordinary circumstances if she is dancing she must dance with everyone who asks her if she is not dancing she must not make exceptions an older lady can very properly refuse to dance and then perhaps dance briefly with her son or husband without hurting her guests proper pride but having refused to dance with one gentleman she must not change her mind and dance later with another a young girl who is dancing may not refuse to change partners when another cuts in this is the worst phase of the cutting in custom those who particularly want to dance together are often unable to take more than a dozen steps before being interrupted once in a while a girl will shake her head no to a stag who dars toward her but that is considered rude a few others have devised dancing with their eyes shut as a signal that they do not want to be cut in on but this is neither customary nor even a generally known practice it is always the privilege of the girl to stop dancing a man is supposed to dance on and on until she or the music stops asking for a dance when a gentleman is introduced to a lady he says may I have some of this do you care to dance a lady never asks a gentleman to dance or to go to supper with her though she may if she is older or if she is a young girl who is one of a flock she may say come and sit at our table this however would not imply that in sitting at their table he is supposed to sit next to her in asking a lady to go to supper a gentleman should say will you go to supper with me or may I take you to supper or may I have you a partner as she is put in an awkward position in having to admit that she has none a ball is not a dancing school since a girl may not without rudeness refuse to dance with a man who cuts in a man who does not know how to dance is inexcusably inconsiderate if he cuts in on a good dancer and compels a young girl to become instructress for his own pleasure with other disregard of hers if at home or elsewhere volunteers to teach him that is another matter but even so the ballroom is no place to practice unless he is very sure that his dancing is not so bad as to be an imposition on his teacher novelties and innovations formal occasions demand strict conventions at an important wedding at a dinner of ceremony at a ball it is not only bad form but shocking to deviate from standards of formality surprise is an element that must be avoided on all dignified occasions those therefore who think it would be original and pleasing to spring surprises on their guests at an otherwise conventional and formal entertainment should save their ideas for a children's party where surprises not only belong but are delightedly appreciated to be sure one might perhaps consider that scenic effects or unusual diversions such as one sees a costume ball or a period dinner belong under the head of surprise but in the first place such entertainments are not conventional and in the second details that are in accordance with the period or design of the ball or dinner are conventions after all on the other hand in the country especially nothing can be more fun or more appropriate than a barn dance or an impromptu play or a calico masquerade with properties and clothes made of any old thing and in a few hours even in a few minutes music need not be an orchestra but it must be good and the floor must be adequate and smooth the supper is of secondary importance as for manners even though they may be unrestrained they can be meticulously perfect for all that there is no more excuse for rude or careless or selfish behavior at a picnic than at a ball public balls a public ball is a ball given for benefit or charity a committee makes the arrangements and tickets are sold to the public either by being put on sale at hotels or at the house of the secretary of the committee a young girl of social position does not go to a public ball without a chaperone to go in the company of one or more gentlemen would be an unheard of breach of propriety subscription dances and balls are often of greater importance in a community than any number of its private balls in Boston and Philadelphia for instance a person's social standing is dependent upon whether or not she or he is invited to the assemblies the same was once true in New York when the patriarch and assembly balls were the dominating entertainments in Baltimore too a man's social standing is non-existent if he does not belong to the Monday Germans and in many other cities membership in the subscription dances or dancing classes or sewing circles distinctly draws the line between the inside some buddies and the outside nobodies subscription dances such as these are managed and all invitations are issued by patronesses who are always ladies of unquestioned social prominence usually these patronesses are elected for life or at least for a long period of years when for one reason or another a vacancy occurs a new member is elected by the others to fill her place no outsider may ever ask to become a member usually a number of names are suggested and voted on at a meeting and whoever wins the highest number of votes is elected the expenses of balls such as assemblies are borne by the patronesses collectively but other types of dances are paid for by subscribers who are invited to take tickets as will be explained how subscription dances are organized whether in city, town or village the organization is the same a small group of important ladies decide that it would be agreeable to have two or three balls or maybe only one a season this original group then suggests additional names until they have all agreed upon a list sufficient in size to form a nucleus these then are invited to join and all of them at another meeting decide on the final size of the list and whom it is to include the list may be a hundred or it may stay at the original group of half dozen or so let us for example say the complete list is fifty fifty ladies therefore the most prominent possible are the patronesses or managers or whatever they choose to call themselves they also elect a chairman a vice chairman, a secretary and a treasurer they then elect seven or eight others who are to constitute the managing committee the other thirty eight or forty are merely members who will pay their dues and have the right to a certain number of tickets for each of the balls these tickets, by the way are never actually sent by the members themselves who merely submit the names of the guests they have chosen to the committee on invitations this is the only practical way to avoid duplication otherwise let us say that Mrs. Oldname, Mrs. Worldly Mrs. Norman and Mrs. Gilding send their two tickets to the young smartling tins which would mean that the smartling tins would have to return three and those three invitations would start off on a second journey perhaps to be returned again on the other hand if each patroness sends in a list the top names which have not yet been entered in the invitation book are automatically selected and the committee notify her to whom her invitations went there is also another very important reason for the sending in of every name to the committee exclusiveness otherwise the balls would all too easily deteriorate into the character of public ones every name must be approved by the committee on invitations who always hold a special meeting for the purpose so that no matter how willing a certain careless member would be to include Mr. and Mrs. Unsuitable she is powerless to send them tickets if they are not approved of as a matter of fact since a serious objection would have to be sustained against one to warrant such an action on the part of the committee number of invitations issued with 50 members each might perhaps be allowed besides her own ticket two ladies invitations and four gentlemen's that would make 350 invitations available all together the founders can of course decide on whatever number they choose patronesses can also exchange tickets one who might want to ask a double number of guests to the first assembly can arrange with another to exchange her second assembly invitations for first ones also it often happens that the entire list sent in by a member has already been included and not wanting to use her tickets she gives them to another member who may have a debutante daughter and therefore be in need of extra ones bachelor balls like the Monday Germans of Baltimore are run by the gentlemen instead of the ladies otherwise they are the same as the assemblies other forms of subscription dances other forms are somewhat different in that instead of dividing the expenses between members who jointly issue invitations to few or many guests the committee of ten we will say invites either all the men who are supposed to be eligible or all the young girls to subscribe to a certain number of tickets for instance dances known usually as junior assemblies or the holiday dances are organized by a group of ladies the mothers usually of debutantes the members of the organization are elected just as the others are for life but they are after a few years when the daughters are too old to resign in favor of others whose daughters are beginning to be grown the debutantes of highest social position are invited to become members each one pays dues and has the privilege of asking two men to each dance mothers are not expected to go to these dances unless they are themselves patronesses sometimes young women go to these dances until they marry often they are for debutantes but most often they are for girls the year before they come out and for boys who are in college patronesses receive at a subscription dance where patronesses take the place of a hostess about four of these ladies are especially selected by the ball committee to receive they always stand in line and bow to each person who is announced but do not shake hands the guest arriving also bows to the hostesses collectively not four times a lady for instance is announced she takes a few steps toward the receiving line and makes a slight curtsy the ladies receiving make a curtsy in unison and the guest passes on a gentleman bows ceremoniously the way he was taught in dancing school and the ladies receiving and climb their heads End of Chapter 17 Balls and Dances Part 2 Recording by Michael Abishack