 What is it, Irma? Uh, I think I'll have my wisdom tooth taken out. Why? Has it been bothering you? No, but it doesn't seem to be doing me any good. That's what you can expect when you listen to my friend Irma. Friendship, friendship, just perfect friendship When other friendships have been forgot, theirs will still be hard. Lever Brothers Company, makers of swan, the soap with the exclusive supercream Glenn presents... ...with my friend Irma. Starring Murray Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane. Need a vacation. Me, Jane Stacey, I feel that I need two. You know why? Not only have I worked hard for the past year, but I've been doing something that no one else would dare to do. I've been living with Irma Peterson. Believe me, after a year of living with Irma Peterson, you'd be happy to spend your vacation in the Siberian salt mine. And don't get me wrong, because I love Irma. It's just that the things that that girl does is enough to drive you out of your mind. For instance, for the past few days, Irma and I have been discussing our vacation plans, and what is she doing? She is standing in the middle of the room exercising vigorously with a pair of dumbbells. Irma, why did you suddenly decide to lose weight? Well, when you travel, you should travel light. Honey, he didn't mean it that way. How about helping me look through these travel folders so we can find a place before our vacation is over? All right, Jane. See, this looks like a nice place for our vacation. Where? Here, at this modernistic hotel. Let me see, honey. Oh, honey, that's the great pyramid in Egypt. It's over 2,000 years old. Then the rate should be reasonable. Oh, sweetie, you don't understand. It's a monument. Find something else, huh? All right, let me see. Oh, I like this place. Let's look. Irma, that's the leaning tower of Pisa. How'd you get that way, Jane? I don't know. Your boyfriend Al probably thought it was a pinball machine and killed it. Come on, sweetie, we have to look through the folder. All right. See, this sounds nice. Really? Let me read it. A vacation paradise. A place where Mother Nature has outdone herself to make this wonderland a riot of spectacular color. Yes, even this cannot compare with the food at McGivney's Seafood Palace in the heart of Rockaway. Oh, no. Irma, this is the front cover of a menu. Well, here's one. A plan your vacation in the land of the sick warriors. Irma, that's Sequoia's. It's a memory that will live forever as you spend two weeks deep in it. Here are the alligators. It's Allegheny's, which is the home of the irritable Indian. That's Iroquois. Honey, you know, you must drive your boss, Mr. Clyde, insane the way you read. Oh, Mr. Clyde doesn't mind much. Zach, I know he likes me. You know, once he heard in the paper that a girl named Irma Peterson committed suicide, he went right out and got drunk. He was so upset he ordered champagne for the whole staff. Yeah. Yeah, I remember, then he found out you were alive, so he stayed drunk. Honey, this isn't finding a place for us to go on our vacation. Ah, Jane, maybe we oughtn't to go away at all. Why not? Oh, miss my Al. Ah, so what? Oh, I'm liable to lose him. You know, there are three girls for every two men. What about it? Oh, where will I find an apartment for five people? Jane, hello, Irma. Hello, Richard. Hello. Oh, Jane, have you and Irma decided where you're going on your vacation? Not yet, Richard. Oh, good. I have a wonderful plan. You know, businesses are sort of quiet this time of the year, so I thought if Al could make it, he and I could join you. Oh, Richard, that's wonderful. Well, uh, I don't know about Al. I don't think he'll go unless he can pay his own way. Well, fine. What if he pays his own way? It can't go. Well, now don't worry about it, Irma. Al will be bunking with me and it won't cost him anything. Oh, Richard, you know you're a darling. I could hug you for that. I'll take you up on that when we go for our first canoe ride. Well, as long as you haven't picked a place, there's the Hotel Del Mar overlooking the Blue Pacific. Or if you don't want to go that far, there's the Moose Head Lodge up in Maine. The Moose Head Lodge? Mm-hmm. Oh, Richard, that's very exclusive. Gee, I know they'll take you, but I'm afraid Irma and I won't have a chance. Oh, I know they're a little snooty, but I'm sure that if you write them an impressive letter, you'll have no trouble at all. I'd write it myself, but I have a million things to do down at the office. All right, Richard, I'll do my best. Come in. Hello, Jane. Rich? Hiya, chicken. Well, girls, got the ideal spot pick for your vacation. Been going there for years. Hotel McAdam. Hotel McAdam? Certainly. Beautiful place and very exclusive. Matter of fact, they're so fussy about who they let in, they got a sign in the lobby which says, all guests with a criminal record must show documentary proof that they have served their time and will not fight extradition if wanted in other states. Oh, Al. We're only kidding, chicken, but we really found a nice vacation spot. Now, Richard has already found a place for us to go to. Yes, it's on the coast of Maine overlooking the Blue Pacific. And Al, you're going too. Oh, nothing doing. You know I can't afford to. But I want you to be my guest. That's what I say, I can't afford to pass up your offer. Well, if it's all agreed, I'll run along. Oh, and don't forget to write that letter, Jane. I'll see you later. Bye. It's too Richard. We can all look forward to a swell vacation. A few kids will excuse me. I'll go in the bedroom, get some of my summer things ready for the cleaners. Chicken, it burns me up. What do you mean, honey? The way you let Richard do everything. Is there any reason why I can't pick the place? I got good taste. But don't look at me that way, chicken. I know I got one black shoe on and one brown one. Can't be helped. The landlord was coming up for the rent. I had a dress and a hurry. Oh, Al, I'm not criticizing you. It was just that Richard wants us to go to a lodge in Maine. Yeah, I know his taste. Must be one of those swanky joints where you have to take a shower before they let you in the pool. That's no place for a vacation. You don't feel at home. You go there for a good time and someone comes up and asks if you care to join in a round of croquettes. You don't feel like eating them chicken meatball. You're so naive. Croquette isn't a chicken meatball. It's French for knitting. Yeah, and what kind of food did they serve? Little sandwiches, cut in triangles. If you take more than 10 or 12, they give you a dirty look. It's not that I want you to, but why take chances to spend the good money for a snooty place? If you want the best advice on where to go for a vacation, you get it from one guy. Who else? Who else but... Hello, Joe. Got a problem. Want to get away from people. What do you suggest? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Sing-Sing or Alcatraz. You prefer Sing-Sing? They show better movies on Friday nights? No, Joe, want something less confining? Want a legitimate vacation spot? What you got? I'll ask her. Irma, how about Death Valley? Oh, I read about that. Isn't that where all the elephants go to die? Please, Joe. Joe, how do you get a trip to a snazzy place free? Yeah, hold it. Don't want to discuss it on this party line. I'll call you right back from payphone. Goodbye, noble friend. Chicken will be right back. Want to talk to Joe from the pay station downstairs? All right, Chloe. Chloe? Uh, I just want to know... I mean, I just want you to know... I gotta go where you are. We'll be back with a place to go. Well, Chloe... Have you seen my stationery? Uh, I want to get that letter off before... Oh. It's only me, Professor Kropatkin. Hello, Janie and Irma, my two little telescopes. One far-sighted, the other with a collapsible head. Excuse me, a little joke I picked up from an astronomer. Why, professor? Girls, have you got an extra comb, please? I'm in the middle of curling Mrs. O'Reilly's hair. Oh, sure, here you are. Janie, would you mind coming downstairs to Mrs. O'Reilly's room? I don't know whether I should make the curls large or small. Well, why don't you ask her, after all, it's her hair. This I know, but she's out shopping. Janie, tell me, did you and Irma decide where you are going on your vacation? Oh, yes, we're going to the Moose Head Lodge up in Maine. How about you, Professor? Are you planning on taking a vacation? Well, I was planning on it, Janie, but things didn't work out. I was going to sublet my room to a friend of mine from Pennsylvania, who's also taking a vacation. But when he came out to look at my room, he decided to have a better vacation if he stayed on the job. What kind of a job does he have? He's a coal miner. Tell me, Irma, what is Al going to do while you're away? Oh, Al will be with Richard, and they're both going to be at the same camp with Jan and me. That's nice. Well, girls, I'll see you before you go. I'll get to my room now and write a letter to the district attorney. He wants to be notified of every crime committed. Every crime? Yes, Mrs. O'Reilly is cooking dinner for me. Hello, Al, and goodbye. I'm just on my way out. Goodbye, Professor. Well, girls, we're all set. Joe found an ideal spot for our vacation. Now, just forget it, Al. I wouldn't go to any place that Joe suggested. Richard has started the wheel turning so we can get into the Moose Head Lodge. Well, if you'll excuse me, I want to go out and buy some impressive stationery so I can write a letter to them for reservation. I'll see you later, kids. Chicken will not let that dame push me around. My mind is made up. What do you mean, Al? Don't you want to go with us? Well, of course I do, chicken. But since Richard is footing my bill, I want to make sure we get in. But Jane's going to write a letter. Do not have confidence in Jane. Need more sophistication. Chicken, you and I will write that letter. Oh, Al, do you think we're doing the right thing? Sure, chicken. Jane and Richard will thank us forever. Oh, Al, I like the way you make up your mind to do things at a moment's notice. You're so repulsive. Chicken, that's impulsive. Oh, what's the difference, Al? I like you either way. That, ladies. The music for the first dance of a lovely evening and the violins are whispering a beauty hint to you. Only swan has that super-cream blend. That's important. Swan soap does give you something no other soap can offer. Swan differs from other soap. You know it does because you can feel the difference just by running your fingers close to it. You can feel the difference just by running your fingers over a cake of swan. You can feel that extra smoothness, the direct result of swan super-cream blend, then feel that wonderful super-creamed lather. Feel that rich, billowy swan lather. A special lather that no other soap can give you because no other soap has swan super-creamed blend. This swan lather cleanses so gently, so thoroughly and then rinses away so completely that it leaves your skin looking softer, smoother, younger. Yes, you'll find out that the swan lather is a young lather. You'll see new beauty in your skin. So please don't forget. Only swan has that super-cream blend. A letter to the Moosehead Lodge asking for reservations for the four of us. You know, my conscience bothers me. I described Al and Irma as the perfect lady and gentleman. Now I know what's going to happen. Someone will say to Al, would you care to indulge in a little park cheesy? Al will say. Park cheesy? By all means. Would you mind putting it on a cracker phone? As soon as we get to the Moosehead Lodge, someone will say to Irma, would you care for a night cat? And Irma will say, no thanks, I'd like to see bald-headed. I'm glad the two of them are not here as I write this letter. I'm taking no chances on Al and Irma coming up the work. So little Jane Stacey, personally, dropping this letter in the mailbox, special delivery. Good. Don't want to around making wisecracks while I'm dictating this letter, but Moosehead Lodge. Got your notebook, chicken? Yes, Al. When you type it, keep a copy. So we'll have a copy of what we said. All right, Al. Now, shall I say gentlemen or dear sir? Chicken, we want to impress this lodge that we're swank people, so use swank terms. Write, um, your highness. My dear, your highness. Good. We wish to make a reservation at your lodge for the coming semester for four people, or as you might say, a group of quadruped. We wish to assure you that we are very high class. You got that, chicken? Al, how do you spell your highness? Chicken, got to write fast. My mind is clicking. These creative thoughts come and go. Oh, I'm sorry, Al. Just say we desire reservations for four people. Well, how will they know we're high class? Uh-huh. I'm coming to that. New paragraph. I don't know how to spell paragraph. Chicken, you don't write. You just zip it in a little. Oh, all right, Al. Okay, take this. Do not think that we are just common people. We have been to many swank places. We have been to England during the cricket shooting season. Sojourned at Capistrano for a few swans. And shot peasants in the other glades. I'll put that we only shoot them in season so they'll know we're legitimate people. Good thought, chicken. Continue. As for our friends, we have mingled only with the best. I personally am related to Count Alfons of Scandia. Of course, I'm only related to the Count by marriage, what you might call a blood count. But almost daily, Rob Sholders with such intimate friends as bankers and authors and... Oh, yes, President Hoover, statesman, scholar, and incidentally inventor of the vacuum cleaner. Yeah, you know everybody. Yes, chicken. Now let us continue. We all eat with knives and forks, especially when we eat on the European planet. And I am sure that you're alive. Since I sent that letter to Moosehead Lodge, and I expect an answer this morning, Irma, of course, is packed. Such packing you have never seen. At this moment, she is trying to pack a ukulele. What she informs me is waterproof. So being a normal person, I said, well, Irma, why would anyone want a waterproof ukulele? And Irma said, in case you get tired playing, you can paddle. You know, Irma, I should argue with you on that, but it's just too ridiculous. But now before I really blow my top, please tell me why are you putting ice cubes in your hat? Well, you know, when you're on a vacation under the moonlight summer breezes and you're with a man like Ella, I may want to keep a cool head. Oh, honey, forget about packing till we get that confirmation from the lodge, huh? Why don't you go see a movie? There are two new pictures playing right around the corner. On our merry way and dream girl. Well, I saw them with Al. Oh, you saw them. What are they about? I don't know. When Al and I go to the movies, we never look at the screen. Well, then why don't you go out and get your hair fixed? Well, I can't. I'm waiting for someone. Who, Irma? Oh, it isn't important. You know, you've been acting strangely all day, Irma, running to the mailbox every five minutes. You're expecting a letter? Oh, tiddly-dumb. That's a pretty good answer. Hiya, chicken. Any sign of the mailman yet? No, Al. Maybe we should have sent a special delivery like Jane did. Mixed chicken? What else is no Jane? Just a minute. Wait just a minute. Did the two of you by any chance write a letter to Moose Head Lodge? Uh, yeah. Say, tiddly-dumb, Al. I'd always stop there. Irma, let me handle this. Look at me, Al. There's nothing wrong, Jane. Well, then why are you and Irma looking at each other like that? Well, uh... You heard that expression, a person's face is their fortune. What about it? Chicken and I are doing a little bookkeeping. Irma Peterson answered me. Did you have the audacity to write a separate letter to Moose Head Lodge? Well, yes, Jane, but when you read it, you'll see that we will be admitted at once. Look, here's your carbon copy. Let me see that. Oh. Not only are we friends of President Hoover, but we have often been invited by the Vanderbilt to go yachting in their solarium and drink grouse. Oh, no. Subtle but effective, Jane. Continue. The family of my fiance, Irma Peterson, has spent a great deal of time abroad. And I can modestly say that my own family has done time in America. Chicken, I think Jane is getting a little pale. So what? You'll get a color back at Moose Head Lodge. Moose Head Lodge, both of you must be kidding. Believe me, after this letter, if we showed up there, they'd have our heads on the wall. And I haven't worked like a dog for 23 years to end up a hat rack. Hello, girls. Hello, Al. Hi, Mrs. O'Reilly. Hello, Mrs. O'Reilly. Jane, this letter just came for you. Thank you. Well, girls, I've got to get back to my room. The professor curled me transformation, and now it's drying on the windowsill. And I want to get it inside before a bird builds a nest in it. Jane, is that letter from Moose Head Lodge? Yes. Why didn't you open it? What's the use? Oh, go on, open it, Jane. All right. Dear Miss Stacy, we regret we cannot give you accommodations at this time as no reservations are available, sincerely Moose Head Lodge. Well, there goes our vacation in Maine. Do you know why? No, Jane, but go ahead. We're paying attention. Because you and Al took it upon yourself to write a ridiculous letter. What will Richard say? Well, we're sorry, Jane. Well, you're always sorry. You were sorry when you sewed suspenders on my brand new strapless evening gown. You were sorry when you tied firecrackers on my hair because I said I wanted to see how I'd look with bangs. You're just always sorry. I saw anybody. Tell me me again, cravat. But, Janey, you're crying. Well, I've got something to cry about. Well, someone must have shown you a picture of my room. I'm only trying to cheer you up, Janey. Tell me what is wrong. Well, Irma and Al. Irma and Al, just tell me what we need, a doctor, a lawyer, or an undertaker. Now, wait a minute, Jane. I'll wait nothing. When Richard finds out what you've done, he will be ostracized. They can't do that. He's a citizen. Special delivery from Miss Stacy. Oh, thank you. Who's it from, Janey? It's another letter from Moosehead Lodge. They're probably suing us. Go on, go on, read it. What does it say, Janey? Well, it says, your second letter for reservations signed Al, Irma, Jane, and Richard Incorporated has so delighted our committee that we beg you to forgive us for turning down your previous request. We feel that any group with such a sense of humor will give Moosehead Lodge that congenial, amiable atmosphere we so desire. And please give our regards to that great inventor, President Hoover. Jane, your eyes are popping. Well, Irma, Al, they like the letter. They want us to come up. Oh, Al, how can I ever thank you? Oh, don't thank me, Jane. The chicken belongs to the credit. Well, Irma, how in the world did you ever work it? Oh, simple. Jane, you see, Richard had an idea in his head. You had an idea in your head. Al had an idea in his head. It was easy for me because I could think I had nothing in my head. And you know, that's a bit of an understatement coming from the head of my friend Irma. Irma placing all our cakes of swan's soap on the windowsill with the window wide open. So I said, honey, what's the idea? And Irma said, well, it's been cooped up in the closet all day and I think a swan should get a chance to fly around a little for exercise. Well, that's quite a flight of pants. Even for Irma. But when she's serious, she's the first to say swan's perfect for complexion care. So ladies, get the large size cake of swan. You'll love the way it breaks easily into two beautiful white cakes for your complexion. Then feel your cake of swan. Notice how extra smooth it is. Swan's lather too feels different. Richer, creamier, smoother. A direct result of swan's super-creamed blend. So get the generous, large-sized cake of swan and use it always for your complexion. I'm happy Irma and I are practically in tears. We're anxious to go, but we're going to miss all our friends. Aren't we, Irma? Yes, Jane. Very lucky girl to have so many wonderful friends. I'm so sad because you know what they say. Next to a dog a friend is a man's friend. I'm so sad because you know what they say. Next to a dog a friend is a man's best friend. Professor Kopakian and Mrs. Riley, we just came to say goodbye. Thank you, professor. And girl, you know, I haven't got much money, but I'd like to give you a little present to take with you. Oh, how nice. What is it, professor? Mrs. Riley. Oh, hush up, professor. Goodbye, girls. We're going to miss you. Oh, I hate to cry like this. The tears make my eyelash so clean wet. I have to put them on the radiator to dry. And that shrinks them. And all the time I thought you were wearing them as half mad. Come on, girls. The cab's waiting. Hi, everybody. Have a swell vacation. Oh, and that goes for me, too. Oh, if you get a postal card with my name on it and you don't know who it's from, just wait until I come back and I'll tell you. Bye. Bye, everybody. My friend Armour presented by Swan another fine product of Leverbrothers Company was produced by Ty Howard. Folks, this program is the last one for a short time while our cast, writers, and production personnel take a well-earned vacation. My friend Irma will return to the air again August 30th. And with star, Marie Wilson is Irma and Kathy Lewis is Jane. The part of Professor Kropotkin was played by Hans Connery. Frank Bingman speaking. Yes, there's a reason why Spry makes grand cakes. Spry has an amazing cake improver secret. Try the Spry one bowl away and be sure of lighter, finer, richer cakes every time. No other type of shortening has Spry's cake improver. For new cake-making success, try Spry's the pure, all-vegetable shortening. Remember, my friend Irma will return to the air on August 30th at the same time. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System. Thank you.