 The Great Nuts and Great Nuts Flakes Program coming to you from the Naval Air Station with the island of Washington and starring Jack Benny, with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris, Dick Hames, Rochester, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, America is up against the serious paper shortage right now, and we're all asked to do all we can to help. So don't throw out a single paper bag or one old newspaper, a wrapping paper. Find out what the system for paper collection is in your neighborhood and get in there and pitch. The only way you can help is to buy as many foods as possible in larger packages instead of smaller ones, or it takes less paper per pound to pack in the larger sizes. The next time you buy tempting, toasty brown grape nut flakes, ask for the big 12 ounce economy size package. The 12 ounce carton of grape nuts actually uses a third less cardboard than the same amount of food packed in smaller boxes, and you save up to 14 cents on every dollar spent when you buy grape nut flakes regularly in the larger packages instead of the smaller ones. So remember folks, ask for delicious, morally rich grape nut flakes in the big 12 ounce economy size package. Ladies and gentlemen, we're broadcasting from the Naval Air Station on Whitby Island, and now before introducing our star, let me tell you some facts about the naval background of his heroic family. Oh, Don, they don't care about that. But then they might, so go ahead and tell them. In 1789, there was Phineas J. Bennett. Yes, sir. Good old Phineas. In 1812, there was Amadiah J. Bennett. Good old Abbey. He was the only man to ride a torpedo side-sat. Poor fellow, he never should have dug his furs into it. Continue, Don. In 1836, there was Bob Faroy J. Bennett. Good old Fonty. In 1861, there was Cornelius J. Bennett. Good old Cornie. And in the year 1872, another member of this great family was born, and here he is, Jack Bennett. Thank you, thank you. Hello again. This is Jack Bennett talking, and, Don, where do you come off saying that I was born in 1872? I'm not that old, you know. But, Jack, you told me yourself. Tell these boys. Don, I told you to tell them that I was steeped in Navy tradition. Seat, not suit. My goodness. Oh, I'm sorry, Jack, but I was carried away with the important men in your family. Oh, yes. Finney, Abbey, Fonty, and Cornie. What men? Well, they're all dead now, aren't they, Jack? All except Cornie. He's writing for Fred Allen. Imagine... Now, imagine my great-grandfather writing for Allen. Now, wait a minute, Jack. I hear a lot of friends for granted. I don't think he's so old. You don't, eh? Well, Don, all I know is, I read one of Allen's scripts, and the most modern words in it were thee, thou, and ye. If thou knowest what I mean. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. How are you, fellas? Hello, everybody. Hi, Mary. You're just bubbling over. What are you... I mean, what are you, uh... What are you so happy about? Well, Jack, when I was a little girl, I read the story of Robinson Crusoe. Robinson Crusoe? Yes. When I dreamed of being passed away on some deserted little far from civilization. At last, here I am on Whidbey Island. Yes, it is a romantic little place. I'll say it is. You know, last night I was sitting in the moonlight with a bomb of deer, and out of a clear sky, I turned to him and said, you know, being on this island makes me wish I was Dorothy Lamour. Really? Yeah. And he turned to me and said, sister, you're not working any harder than I am. Well, how do you like that? Hey, Mary, these fellas up here are hard to please, aren't they? Oh, no. Only, uh, one out of a hundred is like that. How do you know? I was out with the other 99. Oh, then you must have gotten around. Have you been to the Green Gate? Huh? Have you been? 99 times. Mary, you're making this whole thing up. We've only been up here since the... Come in. Hello, Mr. Denny. I'm Ruby Waggon. There, we're living from silk and from Vancouver. Oh, for heaven's sake. Are you still following Mary around? Yeah, who is it? Mary! Ruby! Oh, Mary, I'm surprised to see you're still around here. I thought you'd surely gone home to Vancouver by this time. Not that I'm not glad to see you, but my... Girl! We're in our radio program all the time. Girlie! I'm surprised to see so much that I hardly know what you're doing. Kiddie! Kiddie! I bet you both know. Girlie! Take care, Mary. Heaven's sake, girls. Knock it off! Please! Now, Ruby, you promised that you'd forget all about Hollywood and go back to Vancouver. Last Sunday, you butted in and started imitating Katherine Hepburn. Katherine Hepburn? Yes. The Calla Lily's our room again. Rally day. Oh, you haven't seen beautiful Calla Lily's when you see my Calla Lily. Ruby. Come stroll with me in the garden. Ruby, please. My Calla Lily. Ruby, we heard about your Calla Lily's last week. They're a beautiful old thing. Yes. Now, go back to Vancouver and forget about Hollywood. You know, we've got real stars there like Ingrid Bergman, Barbara Sandwich, thought at Colbert. And Betty Dade? Yes, Betty Dade. Of course I love her, but even though I love her, I kill her. And I'm glad, glad, glad, glad to hear. And if I have the opportunity again, I'm really glad. Ruby. Of course I would. And I need glad to hear. Kiddo. Glad, glad to hear. Ruby, that's enough. Now, will you please go? No, of course I'll go. I'll be glad to go. Glad, glad, glad. And if you ask me to go again, I'll be glad to go again. Ruby. The silliest person I ever met. Mary, will you try to do something about her? Yes, Jack. I'll be glad, glad, glad. And if you ask me to do it again, I'll be glad again. Glad, glad, glad again. Glad again. Now, stop with that. It's all your fault she's following us around. Of all the girls in Vancouver, you had to go to school with her. I couldn't help it. She was a teacher. Well, no wonder she's so asshole happy. Now, let's see. What was I going to do? Oh, yes. Ladies and gentlemen, as I announced last week, we're finishing out this season with guest singers. And tonight, I'd like to present one of the stars of the new 20th century box picture, Poor Gilles and the Geese. Dick Haines, who will sing Long a Goal and Far Away. We're taking off our parade of guest singers. You're very welcome, Jack. By the way, Dick, there's something I'd like to ask you. Would you consider being a regular member of my program? Well, I don't know, Jack. It'll depend largely on the salary. Uh... The salary? Well, goodbye, Dick. It was nice knowing you. Mary, say out of it. Well, Dick, I don't know much about money matters, and I certainly wouldn't want to offend you by offering you too little. So what do you think would be a fair salary? Well, I don't know, Jack. What were you paying Dennis? Dennis? Uh, $35 a week. But then, you must remember, Dennis was with me five years. That's quite a long time, you know. Well, what did Dennis get the first year? The purple hikes. Mary, will you please be quiet? Dick and I are talking business. Well, uh, what do you say, Dick? Well, I don't know, Jack. $35 a week isn't quite the figure I had in mind. Oh, you mean, uh... you mean you'd want more than that? Well, yes. A little more. Well, I think we could talk about it. Uh, just what do you expect? $1,000? Yes! Uh, $1,000. Well, Jack, that isn't so high. It isn't, eh? You made his nose bleed. It did not. Well, Dick, it did not. It was nice of you to come up here to Seattle, and maybe some other time we'll be at... Excuse me. Come in. Yes. What is it? My name is John Crossman. I'm looking for my sweetheart. She followed your show here from Vancouver. Oh, you mean Ruby Wagner? She was here a few minutes ago. I've got to get her back. I've been in love with her ever since the day I met her. It was so romantic. Look, I wish you'd take her back before she's gone. I'll never forget how we met. I was standing on the street corner, and I whistled at a beautiful girl. And I got Ruby instead. Well, I'll help you get her back. And now my Ruby is gone. She wants to become a big success like our friend Mary Livingston. John. So she left me. We were so happy together. I know. She's gone. She's gone. You've got to make a comeback to me. You've got to please, please, please. I'll control you. I'm Mr. Benny, not Mr. Anthony. My goodness. I'm sorry if I broke down on you. Have you got a handkerchief, please? Yes, here. Thanks. My shoes are awful dusty. I guess, I meant I didn't give you my handkerchief to polish your shoes. Well, gee whiz, if I find Ruby, do you want me to look like a slob? That little handkerchief won't help, believe me. Imagine Ruby wanting to go to Hollywood to be an actress. She ain't got no talent and she ought to come home. You're absolutely right. She has no more chance of being Catherine Hepburn than you have of being another Jimmy Duranty. Jimmy Duranty? Yes. Listen to this. I'm mortified. I stay a mortified. They won't stop me staying there. John. Hey, but where's the lodging? We'll hit you over to Hepburn the spot when he says, answer yourself, Lodge. John. I'm mortified. I tell you, I just won't react with that and get out of here. What did you say, Junior? I said, get out of here. That's my boy who said that. Never mind, go. Queen Hepburn and Jimmy Duranty. I don't know why it is that everybody wants to be a movie actor. Ah, you're right, Jack. It's so ridiculous. I don't see why people can't be happy just being what they are. Yeah. That guy's as much like Duranty as you are like Boyer. Charles Boyer? Yes. Come with me to the camp. Oh, no, no, no. Come with me, my little pigeon, and I will buy you the most wonderful jewels in the world, a lustrous spring of grape nuts. What? Toasty brown grape nuts, sweet as a nut and malty rich. Forgive me if I sound too passionate. Don, this is going too far. Why are you heavy? Now, Don, cut it out. We've had enough imitation here. But grape nuts is not an imitation. It's a real thing. Don, I told you to stop it. You're not Charles Boyer. Although I bet the women wish you were. You really think so, Jack? Yeah, there'd be enough to go around. Imagine that tea, Boyer. Now, look, let's stop all this nonsense. We're here to entertain the boys unless someone can imitate and share it and cut it out. Hey, if it's a glamor you're looking for, Jack's and I'm loaded. Now that you've made that great big noisy entrance, let me tell you something. There's nothing glamorous about you. Oh, there ain't, huh? No. What are you talking about? I was over to the waves' barracks and they've got a great big picture of me up on the wall. Wait a minute. What were you doing in the waves' barracks? Putting up my pictures. That's what I thought. Hey, Phil, what is Alex like about the new baby? Oh, the baby? Oh, he's a cute little thing. And Alice says she resembles me so much. We're just like twins. Really? Yeah, Alice says that even when the kid prides, it sounds like that's what I like about the sound. Well, don't worry. She'll grow out of it. Yeah. And now that you're here, Phil, how about playing a band now? Okay, I'll tell you what, Jackson. I'm gonna play Alabama Bound. You know that from Eddie Cantor's new picture show business? Well, it's a swell time to do it, Phil, because tonight... Wait a minute. I'll take it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Bennett. It's Rochester. Well, I'm glad you called Rochester. Did you get everything packed? Everything, boss. And already kicked out of the hotel. Good. But you know, Mr. Bennett, you ought to consider the purchase of some new luggage. Well, what's wrong with the luggage I have? Well, I feel so silly walking through the lobby with two bird cages full of sauce. Oh, you do, huh? The birds don't like it. Now, don't be ridiculous. And another thing, boss, that old suitcase of yours broke open right in the middle of the lobby and man, what a mess. You mean my things fell out? Part of yours and part of mine. Well, that's embarrassing. Did you pick them up? I picked up yours, mine soaked right into the rug. Soaked into the rug? What are you laughing at? I know it's back and clear that it's going to have an awful... Don't care about that. Did you pick up everything that belongs to me? Everything but your touffé. My touffé? What happened to that? Some near-sized woman put a leash on it and let it away. What happened to the dog show? Well, if you're a flawless boss, I'm going to take it out of your salary. Oh, not this week, boss. You know, yesterday was the Kentucky Derby and I made a little wager. Oh, so you lost again, eh? When did your horse come in? In the pool of the evening. Well, you're not going to get any sympathy for me and Rock, I'll meet you at the station right after the broadcast. Goodbye. Goodbye, oh, say, boss. Now what? I just got a letter from home and we ought to be getting back there. Why? The canarelles are in bloom again. Rarely are. Those great big beautiful canarelles are in bloom again. Never mind that. Now, from Eddie Cantor's new picture and congratulations, Eddie, on your 35th year in Chopin. Hey, Jackson, do you mind if I leave right after the show? Why? Well, one of the aviators told me as soon as the program's over, he's going to take me to see a link trainer. Well, that sounds interesting. Yeah, I've always wanted to meet the guy that trains them, Lane. Well, a link trainer is not someone who trains animals. A link trainer is, um... is, uh... Don. Don, you tell him what a link trainer is. Okay. Well, you see, Phil, a link trainer is a mechanical device that's used to teach aviators fly and fly. Yes, yes. That's it. See, Don is smart, aren't you, Jack? Yeah. In fact, Phil, it's one of the greatest inventions since Orville and Wilbur Wright invented the airplane. Orville and Wilbur Wright? Yes, Phil, and now, since we're playing here at a natal air station, let's give the boys our version of the invention of the airplane. Take it down. In the year 193, two brothers, Orville and Wilbur, lived in obscurity, not knowing that some day they would become world-famous inventors. One day early in the afternoon, Orville was sitting at his workbench while Wilbur was standing by the window, staring out into space, thinking, thinking, thinking. Wilbur. Wilbur, what are you thinking about? I don't know, Orville, I'm just looking out the window watching them birds fly up to their necks. Say, Orville, I was just a wonder, why can't people do what the birds do? Now, hold on, Wilbur. Eggs ain't that expensive. Not yet. Oh, I don't mean that, Orville. I mean, why can't we fly like a bird? Fly like a bird? Wilbur, sometimes you get the dirtest ideas. Come in. Hello, boys. Well, well, if it ain't Kitty Hawk. You boys look busy. What are you inventing today? You wouldn't believe it, Kitty, but Wilbur here, talking about inventing a contraption, it'll make a man fly like a bird. Man fly like a bird up in the air? Why so? What you used to be in up there? Everything you wanted is down here. How do you know you ain't been up there? Anyway, Kitty, I'm going to stick with Wilbur. If he wants to invent a flying machine, I'm with him. That up, boy, Orville. Now, let's get busy. When we build this machine, we're going to call it the aerial plane. And I got a great idea. You know those horse-drawn Polly cars they got now? Yeah. Well, we'll invent a horse-drawn aerial plane. A horse-drawn aerial plane? How in the world are you going to keep a horse up in the air? Oh, Kitty, listen, we're going to have enough trouble trying to keep up the aerial plane. The horse is just going to have to look out for himself. Stand aside, Kitty. We're going to build this flying machine right here and now. Well, there it is. All finished. How'd you do it so fast? Used to work at Boeing. Let's see. All we've got to do now is... I'll take it, Wilbur. I'll take it. Hello? Hello, Orville. This is Alexander Graham Bell. Oh, hello, Alex. What's up? Plenty. You'll never guess what I did this morning. What? I invented the telephone. You did? Well, doggone, Alex, we're your best friends. Why didn't you call us sooner? I tried to, but there was a two-hour delay between Seattle and Whidbey Island. Well, we're busy. Can't talk to you now, Alex. Goodbye. Goodbye. You know, Wilbur, Alex Bell, just invented the telephone, but I don't think it'll ever work. Oh, come on, Orville. I'll stop the fooling around. Let's get on with this aerial plane. Let's get it outdoors. Okay. You lift up the tail. I'll carry the fuselage. Let's go. Easy there. Easy. Easy does it. Here we are. Okay. Now we're ready for the experiment. Here's the crank handle, Wilbur. I'll get in. You wind her up. Hey, wait a minute, Orville. You can't fly that thing. Why not? You ain't got no priority. Priority? What's that? That's not what you've got to get before they can take it away from you. No. Well, I'll get one later. Okay, Wilbur, take the crank handle and wind her up. Okay. You ready? Ready. She's all wound up. Okay. Let her go. She's only a bird in a gilded case of this. I knew we shouldn't have used the motor out of that old phonograph. Oh, it didn't hurt nothing, Orville. Just take the record out. Okay. There. Now, Wilbur, give that propeller a spin. See what happens. Okay. Contact. Contact. Orville, contact. Contact. Fire again, Wilbur. If it won't work now, we'll just invent the parachute. Let somebody else worry about this. Go ahead, contact. Contact. That's a read. Now, let's take her down and tell the world we invented the aerial plane. Okay. Take her down. Perfect landing. Right in somebody's backyard. That's right. Oh, here comes somebody. Let's get out of here. You landed right here, my fellow ladies. You saw my great big beautiful count. Of course I didn't. I'm glad, glad, glad to be here. I'm glad I did. If I land again, I'll do it again. I'll do it again. Play it again. Just a few words about Chris Crunchy Marley rate grape nuts. Say Mr. Wilson. Oh, it's you, Ruby. Yeah. Do you think I ought to go back to my boyfriend? Ah, Ruby, I'm really not qualified to give advice to the loved ones. And our friends about grape nuts. Well, you're always giving advice. I'm not. Why do you advise people to eat grape nuts? That's not advice to the loved ones. And now... It is. It isn't. And now, friend... You say eat a good breakfast to a better job. I know I do, but... Well, if my boyfriend ate a good breakfast, maybe he could do a better job if he's praising me to go back home. See? Well, Ruby, who would have believed it? You're right. I know I will be then. Well, I wouldn't say that. But friends, it is true. Eat a good breakfast. You'll do a better job. And if you include Marley rich grape nuts in your breakfast, you'll be doing yourself a big favor. But grape nuts provide all-around nourishment. Whole grain nourishment. One kind of nourishment nutrition experts say we need every day. Iron, niacin, vitamin B1 plus proteins. So give yourself a swell start for the day and make tempting sweet-as-a-nut grape nuts your featured breakfast day. Good night, folks. I met a friend. She said to me, try a grape nut-tweet meal and you'll be delighted with this brand-new treat. It's luscious and it's all good.