 about the seven secret thoughts a man feels when he's truly into you. We're gonna dive into this in a moment. Now, in full transparency, I actually got this title from one of my contemporaries, Stefan Speaks, actually several years ago, and I've shot this video several times in different versions. I have new things to add today, but I thought this was really kind of appropriate given what today is in the scheme of things. And I thought we dive into what men think, what you're probably wondering what men think when they actually like you. Now, before we dive into this, I think it's really important to stress that if you're in midlife, and I say midlife is after baby making years and before retirement, we have to address the fact that it is a very challenging dating marketplace. I'm gonna repeat that, it's a very challenging dating marketplace. And what I mean to say is that, we have different concerns than our contemporaries that are, well, not contemporaries, but then those of us that are in our 20s or 30s, for those of us in our 40s, 50s, and 60s, and even 70s, there are a lot more moving parts to a relationship that a 20 or 30-year-old can't relate to. First off, in many cases, many of us are raising children or have raised children. That's a factor that makes it difficult to actually blend lives with another human being. Add to that the emotional effects of what happens for those of us in midlife, because the vast majority of people that are over 45 and single are most likely divorced. And divorced is the unraveling of the tapestry of a life we had with another human being. And because of that, there are some dramatic emotional effects or experiences, I should say, that affects a person's psyche. Add to that our goals, our dreams, the way we live our life. There are a lot more moving parts. So meeting someone in midlife is rather challenging. And if you've experienced that, I just want you to know you're not alone, okay? Most everybody, and myself included, I've experienced this, I am experiencing it. I'm not here to say that there's some easy answer. You can't watch a video and then magically something's going to magically appear. Magically something's gonna magically appear. Now to some extent there are people that have manifested and I do believe that our mindset plays an important role in how we attract someone in our life. Most importantly, how much we genuinely love ourselves plays a huge role in who we tracked in our lives. You see, the sad reality is that many men and women are suffering on the inside from I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not likable. That's right. And because of this, this ties into these secret thoughts that a man might have. And most likely you're probably thinking much of the same thoughts as well as men in these cases. You have your own thoughts in the early stage and I'll get to those seven in a second. I wanna address something though, is that there is a lot of advice and rhetoric out there, particularly on TikTok and Instagram where the advice towards women is very much centers around dark psychology. For example, playing hard to get. I think these are designed to trigger men or women in a way that is more emotionally destructive than actually a healthy way to approach a relationship. See, many of you know, I advocate that most everyone is suffering as I said before from the wound of I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not likable. And these are directly attributed to childhood wounds and adult traumas. Now, let me just be clear about something relating to a childhood wound. The childhood wound doesn't have to be true trauma, true acts of violence or abuse. Childhood wounds can be something as simple as you were picked on at school, which happened to me. Having a mother and father that's good people but they didn't know how to address a screaming child. These are all the little micro traumas that we might have experienced or wounds that affect us as adults. And then God forbid we have adult experiences that don't work out too well. Many of us are on one, two, three, four, five relationships by the time we get to midlife. We had our starter marriage for some people. We had a starter relationship before the starter marriage. We had a relationship right after our marriage ended. Some people had a second marriage and then some people lived with someone like I recently did and it still didn't work out. So these experiences have a tendency to dramatically affect someone, particularly men. Men who have given their hearts to a woman and the relationship didn't work out, she ended the relationship. That can dramatically affect a man's wellbeing. But Jonathan, men are supposed to be confident. They're supposed to know what they're doing. Jonathan, men are supposed to know everything. That's the, I will not settle for a less than a man who is confident and knows himself. You know, you're wishing for a fantasy. The average, by the way, you know, I was just looking up, 93% of Americans have less than a net worth less than a million dollars. Okay, now I'm putting net worth in here is that could you imagine 97% of Americans are predominantly in a survival mode, you know, to fantasize about this chivalrous, you know, Darcy from Pride and Prejudice that is so confident in everything. And that's just a fantasy many of you have because the reality is as most humans, as I said earlier are suffering in some way, shape, or form. And so what we're gonna talk about today is that the game playing advice isn't going to work. Chasing a man isn't going to work and chasing is simply making more effort than the man is making. That's all. You can make commensurate effort, you can make commensurate effort, okay? He makes effort, you make effort. You make effort, he makes effort. You make effort, he makes effort. He makes effort, you make, that's commensurate effort. But if he's making no effort and you're just trying to pull him into the relationship that's not gonna work either. In fact, we're gonna talk about how that might backfire on you in a moment. Now what I'm about to share with you, if you're familiar with my chart on grower and builders, there's three types of people actively dating. This is not a fact, it's merely an opinion. I call them users, spenders, and growers. Users are those people that have short-term gain, short-term desires. Spenders want companionship, connection, and sex. They just aren't really capable of commitment. And then the grower and builders, okay? Grower and builders seek long-term commitment. They have their act together, their emotional grown-up. They have good relationship skills. Today I'm gonna talk about the seven secrets a man feels. The man is a grower builder, okay? Now even the other men might feel this, but the problem is, it doesn't matter. They're not gonna commit to you anyway. I wanna share with you that guy who's genuinely a grower and builder. Let me just say this, ladies. Many of you have a broken man picker. Now in the show notes and in the comments, I'm listing how you can schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. My area of expertise is teaching discernment, how to choose better, how to choose a grower and a builder versus that guy who's, the reason why he's called a spender is he'll spend time with you, but he won't commit to you and a user just uses you. I'm here to teach you how to identify those grower and builders, check out the link below to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. All right, today we're gonna talk about those seven secret thoughts a man feels when he's truly into you. Number one, he's thinking, does she like me? I know, you know, I can go out on a first date and I'm wondering after the date, does she like me? I like her, does she like me? Even she might say it to my face, I like you. And yet I'm still wondering and I'm not alone in this wondering. This is a common experience for many men when we like someone is we wanna know that we're being like back. And remember, whether it's a first date, a third date, a 10th date or a few months, the reality is when you're getting to know someone, to some degree, I'm gonna use the phrase it's cat and mouse, but I merely mean it's kind of like this ping pong game, you know, make effort, don't make effort, make effort, don't make effort, they make effort, you make effort, you make effort, they make effort. You know, there's this ping pong going on and the cat and mouse is just you're jostling to try to get to know one another. And that's a very natural thing. There's nothing unnatural about the dance. Maybe a dance would be a better analogy because dancing is, you know, each person has their own style of dancing, each person has their own style of leading or being led. And sometimes we can step on each other's feet. So scratch the whole cat and mouse and let's call it a dance. And someone might be doing tango, why the other person might be doing, you know, two step or something like that. Okay. And that's why we're just, we have to spend time dating to get to know one another. And in that dating process, we're kind of wondering does she like me or can she, does she love me? Now sometimes we might thinking, well, she loves me before I love her. Ooh, I better keep some distance. Okay. If we think you love us before we love you, that's when guys emotionally create some distance because there's an energetic mismatch. Did you hear what I just say? There's an energetic mismatch. If you care for him more than he's ready to care for you or is even capable of caring for you, this is why men pull back a little bit. I don't think we consciously, we do anything to wanna hurt someone, but because this dance is so, by the way, at midlife, this dance is awkward. It's very rare that two people are synchronous in their dancing at midlife. And so we're jostling a little bit. And a lot of good couples, they're closely aligned with one another. Those that are completely misaligned. And oh my God, I see this in my practice all the time. So many of you women are holding out for relationships with someone who has mismatched with you. But ultimately, if we wanna get into the psyche of men, number one, does she like me? And we'll take it even step forward. Does she love me? We think this, we're feeling this, we're wondering this. Number two, is she thinking of me? Now, the reason why I put this one down is there's so much expectation that men must always initiate communication and initiate effort. And sometimes we just want you to initiate effort. Is she thinking of me? And it'd be so nice at the moment we're saying, I wonder if she's thinking of me that we actually get a text message from you. Simply saying, T-O-Y, toy, thinking of you, thinking of you. You know, with the minute two people meet and they like each other, as I said before, there's this jostling effect going on because there hasn't been enough trust built. I've often said in my videos, it takes about a hundred hours of face-to-face time to build trust. But Jonathan, I'm in a long distance relationship. We can't build trust because all we have is text messaging one another. And we spend hours upon hours upon hours upon hours upon hours texting each other. I feel like I know him, he's my soulmate. He's the one I'm supposed to go the distance with. How long has this been going on? Oh, a year? How many times have you physically met him? Zero? You've built zero trust. The first layer of trust takes about a hundred hours of face-to-face time. That's a fair amount of time to build just that first layer of trust. But Jonathan, we video chat with each other all the time. We face time with each other. It doesn't count. It doesn't count until you experience life with another human being. And so when two people meet and there's a few hours apart or a few days apart, we're wondering, and again, the grower and builder men do not choose long distance relationships. Let me be clear about this. Okay, there's always the exception to the rule. However, and ladies clearly understand this, grower builder men choose relationships with women whom they can actually build a life with. Hence the word builder, grower builder. Spenders will do long distance relationship. Users will do long distance relation because they can use five women at the same time. Don't be naive, but Jonathan, don't be naive. And a grower builder will only pursue a long distance dynamic if the pieces are in place to take it from long distance to short distance in a very quick period of time. Doesn't necessarily mean it's gonna work out, okay? But that's the way a grower builder operates. Number three, okay. It's interesting today being Valentine's Day. This is called, is she going to like this? Is she going to like this? Or worse, is she gonna judge me for this? You see, these are the thoughts and feelings. Is she gonna like this? In other words, let me give an example. He's picked a restaurant, okay? He's picked a restaurant. He doesn't know if you're gonna like it, okay? But what fascinates me worse is if we're judged for it. Did you hear about the woman on TikTok that posted a video of a man that took her out on a first date to a cheesecake factory and she refused to get out of the car saying this is too cheap for who I am? She refused to get out of the car because she thought the cheesecake factory was too cheap for her. She said, I'm a queen. I deserve better. I deserve a Michelin five-star restaurant. Did you have even Michelin five-star? I've been to Michelin one and two-star, okay? You know what? So we're wondering, are you gonna like the choice I made as a restaurant or the gift I gave? But am I gonna be judged for it? See, we're actually second on guessing ourselves these days because there are some really, and by the way, everything I'm sharing goes in reverse. This isn't singular to men and how men thoughts about women. Women have equally secret thoughts about men, but you know what saddens me today? That the attitudes of so many entitled people have genuinely affected someone like myself who's a grower and a builder. You know, we're almost anticipating to some degree because there's just so much entitlement and so little gratitude. You know what, please forgive me, but she should be fucking grateful that a man was gonna take her out to dinner and treat. You know what? This expectation has created a lot of doubt within men. This is why there's a whole movement of men going their own way. Saying, I'm done with women's behavior. And by the way, ladies, you have every right to be critical of men as well. Men are no picnic either. I'm here to equally bash both genders, okay? But I'm here to say, I'm here to say that this is the kind of stuff that goes inside our heads. Number four, can I be vulnerable without scaring her away? You know, sometimes I'm scared you know, sometimes we have fears, we have insecurities. And we've been taught that if we share a fear of insecurity, it demonstrates weakness and you'll run away. And I'm here to say is the whole real value of being in relationship is to have a partner where you can share a part of your vulnerabilities. And we've been so conditioned to believe that if we do it, you'll run away. And it's one of the reasons why men commit suicide at a greater level. Why they die earlier than women because we oftentimes don't have the outlet to share with our partner because we have this built in fear that you might run away if we're vulnerable. Number five, if I make a mistake, will you hold it against me? You know, it's interesting, they interviewed the woman who on the cheesecake factory and she openly admits she was acting very selfishly. And from what I understand, she forgave the guy but not that he did anything that was a mistake in my book. But we often wonder if we make a mistake, are you gonna hold it against us? We men have been so conditioned. You ladies can be like elephants. You can remember something from five months ago that we did. And it's like, you know, like when we make a mistake now, it's like, oh, shit, is this gonna come back to bite me? Especially when we've been sincere in an apology. We'll sometimes wonder if we make a mistake where you hold it against me. Number six, number six, did I please her in bed? Okay, men as well as women want our partner satisfied. This is a secret thought we have. We feel, we're wondering, did I actually please her in bed? And certainly this is a very common experience for many men that we think and we don't necessarily want to state it out loud, but this is something we do secretly think is did I please her in bed? And lastly, and I chose this as the last one to illustrate a point. If you're talking to another man, we sometimes get jealous. If you're talking to an ex, we sometimes get jealous. You're talking to any man, sometimes we get jealous. We men are territorial. Women are territorial too, but we men can be territorial. This could be a secret thought even for us grower builder men, even if we feel totally secure with you and very confident, it does trigger a little bit of our warrior inside us. And for some men, they might feel intimidated, especially if you're talking to a man with greater means or a better, more attractiveness. These are some of the simple little thoughts that go inside a guy's head. When we truly like someone, when we don't like someone, we don't give a crap. Quite frankly, we don't care about most of this stuff. Actually, insecure men will care about this stuff. Users might care about it. Spenders might care about it. But when a grower builder isn't into you, you don't have to worry about it. He's not pursuing you. When a grower builder is into you, these are just some of the things that might be going on inside his head and the feelings he might be experiencing. And so that's the seven thoughts a man has when he's truly into you. Hey, I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on this post to comment below. I do my best to read all the comments within the first 24 hours. As always, if you find out in this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell as well so you can be notified of new videos. Also, if you wanna connect with me, there's a link below. Schedule a discovery call with me. Join my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Find me on Instagram, get my dating vows, get my book. All the books I recommend are listed below as well. All right, in a moment, we're gonna be taking questions. If you have a question, write the word question, then post the question thereafter. Or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there with the Obey shirt. Actually, he's wearing an Obey shirt in that one too. It's my son who passed away over five and a half years ago in his honor. We donate to causes like the Hoffman process and Insight Institute, just to name a few. And also give scholarships on coaching as well. Also, if you wanna join the hot seat, there's a link right there to join the hot seat as well. All right, in honor of Valentine's Day, I'm wearing a red shirt first and foremost and I have a big announcement to make. This afternoon, I had lunch with Marie. Those of you who've been following my channel know that I was in a significant relationship for about 14 months. We lived together nine of those 14 months. The relationship ended six months ago. And so I haven't physically seen her in quite some time and she happened to be in my neighborhood because she had to visit the dentist that's doing some work with her for her. And we decided to meet for lunch. And I wanna share with you a lot of, I wanna share with you the emotional as well as logistic things that happened in this experience. First and foremost, I will tell you, I had a little bit of anxiety before meeting her. And when I say the word anxiety, I mean a tiny little bit of anxiety because for those of you know, the ending of the relationship wasn't my choice. And like any ending of a relationship, you go through some level of grief. And while, if we look at the stages like denial, I would say when she first expressed a desire to move out, I was a little bit in denial because I would say I wasn't completely surprised or shocked. It's just, I think there was a bit of hope that this wouldn't happen. And quite frankly, when she decided she wanted to move on or move out, there was a death of a dream that happened. So I was in a tiny little denial. To the extent I went to anger, I'd be lying if I didn't say I got angry. I didn't get angry at her, but I was angry for a variety of different reasons and in all fairness to her, she did not mislead me one bit. She recognized that where she's at in her life and her life trajectory is different than my life trajectory. And I think we had to be together for a while to notice that. Now this is the challenging piece because we chose along, because we met from a long distance dynamic, we chose to move in together rather quickly. I think if we were in a regular garden variety relationship, it might have lasted only six months and we would have noticed the misalignment. I think it was in the six months of living together that we got a chance to notice the misalignment. See, it takes time. That's why long distance can feel like a bubble relationship in many cases. So I don't regret it, but I was angry because, yeah, I mean, it was a death of a dream. I kind of felt like this was the one. And so I felt a little bit of anger. I didn't do bargaining. I didn't do bargaining. Bargaining is trying to convince someone to stay. I don't believe in that. I don't believe, I think when one person wants out, if it's, if one person doesn't want in, it's not good for each person. I recently shared in a video, it's like going on vacation and having adjoining rooms when someone decides to go in the other room and shut the door, accepting that, closing the door on your own and walking out of the room because there's no need to be knocking on the door, convincing someone to be with you. That's bargaining. Did I feel a little bit of depression? I felt a little bit of depression. I was a little sad, but not so much that I was eating bonbons and acting overtly sad, but I just felt a little bit sad. Did I feel guilt or shame? No real guilt or shame. I'm very proud of the way it ended and most importantly, I came to a place of acceptance. Okay, why am I sharing all this with you? Because while I felt a little apprehension seeing her, it was like almost, it was so amazing. The minute I saw her, I gave her a big gigantic hug. We met up for lunch and we just kind of left, kind of almost left off where we were before the relationship ended. What I mean to say is we have a friendly attitude towards one another. Neither one of us wants to get back together. And so we had a very pleasant, lovely lunch. She got, I coincidentally, Valentine's Day, she was sweet enough to get me a gift. Isn't that sweet? And she gave me a card. She gave me a card and I wanna share it with you. By the way, the Godiva, I thought that was very sweet of her and the card reads the following. And I'm sharing this with you because this relates to closure, what I wanna share with you. She said, Jonathan, when I think about people, I'm glad to have in my life, the people I'm glad to have in my life, I always think of you. You made a difference to me. She underscored that. You've made a difference to me over and over again and I'm so grateful. And today, I hope you know it. Thank you for being part of my journey with love and respect, Marie. You know, I think we genuinely care for one another, not in the romantic sense that is must be in commitment. I think we have genuine care. I know she cares about me, I care about her. Why I'm sharing this with you is sometimes relationships don't work out and that's okay too. That's absolutely okay because I recognize that she, I was part of her journey, she was part of my journey. You know, my journey, you know, it's interesting. For her journey, it's more about the outer world. In fact, in two months, she's gonna be going on a two month round the world, or not round the world, but basically going through Europe both on singles with paradise. Okay, by the way, check out the website. Someone write that in the chat box, singleswithparadise.com. I think the owner's name is Ed, okay? And then she's going on a cruise. And I really appreciate that. For me, the journey of life is more the inner world. That's where my jam is and that's not her jam. And as much as I appreciate travel, that's not my jam. We were in two different places in our lives and that's okay. But what I'm grateful for to some extent is this closure because I feel like now everything is clean. That when we said goodbye, it was awkward. It was awkward. I think I shared in a previous video, I took her to the airport, just it felt awkward. Now we can say goodbye to each other, not goodbye. I don't feel like it's a goodbye. We don't necessarily get on the phone and talk regularly, although we talked, we said hi during the holidays. We occasionally send each other a message through Instagram, whatever she sees a meme that she thinks will help my business, she sends it to me. And I'm sharing all this with you because I feel like things are clean now. It's such a wonderful feeling to feel like something is clean. It's clean with my ex-wife. It's clean with my other significant relationship and now it's clean with Marie. And I think when we come at the dating process clean, healed in a state of self-love. By the way, I wrote a book about it. What the heck is self-love anyway? A journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. And chocolates. I'm so stoked to have some chocolates. I'm gonna take one while during this video. And I'm grateful for that. So folks, thank you for allowing me to share that with you. I hope this share gave you some value and recognizing that if you want to attract a juicy, delicious, healthy and happy relationship, things must be clean. All right, who wants to join the hot seat? And you can ask me questions about what happened as well. I'm more than happy to share. All right, I saw some questions here. Kara, I met a man who's a great candidate for romantic, but I have zero chemistry with him. If there's no sexual attraction, the beginning is the relationship doomed or would that develop? I've observed that roughly about two thirds of relationships have significant chemistry on date one. And then about one third of relationships, usually the woman doesn't develop chemistry until about the third, fourth or fifth date. I've just observed this. So I would say if this is all based on one date, give a guy three chances. I mean, so long as he doesn't have a beer gut the size of Texas and he's missing front teeth and he looks like Quasimodo. I feel sorry for illustrating that. But if he's a decent enough looking man and you guys have an energetic connection with one another, absolutely give it a chance. If you have no energetic connection and there's nothing really compatible for the two of you, then I would say then it's probably not a fit for you. But that's my rough thoughts on that one car, okay? Thank you for that question. I really appreciate it. By the way, thank you all for the Valentine's Day messages. I believe it. All right, appreciate it. Rachel has said, Jonathan, the collective thinking and entitlement mindset has really tainted the environment for people who are honest and genuine. Yeah, it's true for both sides of the fence. So I get that. All right, let's keep going here. Okay, I'm just searching. All right, Kar was the last question. Oh, Bootsy Keegan. How do you feel about ex-husband, ex-wife getting back together, marrying again? No, it's interesting. Please forgive me, I'm eating some of that chocolate. I recently connected with a woman from high school. It's just kind of like a high school reunion kind of thing. I wish she was telling me that she's married to her first husband twice. Still didn't work out. Do I think, look at, didn't Elizabeth Taylor get remarried to Richard Burton twice? If you don't resolve the problems that cause the ending of the relationship, all the magic fairy dust, but Jonathan, we just love each other. We should just make it work. Magic fairy dust doesn't solve relationship challenges. Maybe going to, you know, doing therapy on a regular basis might be something worth considering, but rarely do they work out a second time. That's just my observation, but there's always the exception to the rule, okay? Kimberly, hi, J.A. If I've been seeing a guy who wants to wait till his daughter graduates high school in a year since her mother died and she's struggling, okay, I lost my husband, you know what? Then let him know that he doesn't get your vagina until his daughter graduates high school. I recognize the importance of being a father and taking care of your child. But what he's looking for is he wants wife benefits at girlfriend prices most likely, okay? Now, I recognize you lost your husband, so you also want some sort of emotional connection. Remember, I've said I've observed many people are known as spenders, spenders right here, spenders, okay? They want companionship, they want connection, they want sex, but he's not capable of commitment. So you might be rolling the dice with somebody. And keep in mind, the mother of his child just died, you know? You might end up being the transition girlfriend for him because he's already established his exit clause, I need distance from you, I can't get close to you. I can't get close to you is what he's saying. So you're gambling your emotional well-being on someone who has clearly said, there's walls up. Now, because it's like, well, this is his daughter and that means he's a good father and he must be such a wonderful man to want to take care of his daughter, but you're overlooking your needs and glorifying his altruism, if you will. It's not altruistic to take care of your children, but to some degree, we see it as some sort of virtue and recognize that he's basically saying, look, I'm gonna have walls up with you. That's a gamble. If you're gonna take that gamble, just recognize that whatever time, by the way, I guarantee you a year roll-roll around. Oh, well, she's in college. Oh, well, then she needs to be out on her own. By the way, folks, many of you got to realize just because a child goes to college, you're still responsible for them until they hit 25 or 30. You know, it's a fantasy to call yourself an empty nester. You're only an empty nester until they're physically out of the house for good. So it's not just one year you're gonna have to wait. She's going to college and believe me, daughters can be very manipulative to their fathers. So just recognize that that going in, okay? I hope that helped, Kimberly. Thanks for that question. I appreciate it. By the way, anyone wanna join the hot seat? And again, you can ask me any question. Julie, is it a good sign if a guy cooks a dish and makes a drink for you, or is it just being nice? Yes. It's being nice. And yes, it's a good sign. I think, you know, when I like a woman, I like to cook for them. I'm not a great cook. I miss the days I could call my mom and say, mom, how do you make this dish? Boom, she passed away. But yeah, it's a good sign that a man wants to cook for you and make a drink for you. But this is also being nice. Is this indicative of I wanna be committed to you for the rest of your life? No. But users are only in it for the short run. And they might do a lot of things. Like, you know, if this is early in the process, okay, you have to look at it this way. It depends on how many times he's had sex with you. If he has had sex with you a lot of times and he does these things, that's a good sign. If he's had sex with you once and he's a user, he might wanna take advantage of you for a little bit of time, but be careful because he might be using multiple people at the same time. Folks, I'm a big advocate for relationships. Remember I said 100 hours of face-to-face time earlier? I'm an advocate for relationships, look like the following. You spend two, three, four days, nights, a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in your personal and your professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married. Okay, I've heard that narrative. But Jonathan, he's got a busy life, but Jonathan, you guys give me all these butts. All those butts are why it isn't gonna work out. That's all. By the way, I've heard from many of you you love and wait for when I say, but Jonathan, because I'm addressing the arguments you give me. You ladies will argue for your limitations. Stop arguing for your limitations is all I'm trying to say. Flowers and roses says, flowers, roses says, why does a man from a dating site want me to commit to him before we meet? You know, I said earlier, men are territorial. That's one of the reasons why, you know, if we like, if we perceive that we like someone, we don't like the idea that someone else might have a chance at them. This is the dynamic that didn't used to exist, but only in the last 20 years. So yeah, men can get, that could be a behavior of neediness. It's, you know what? It's also wishful thinking on his part. You know, he's got to slow down. Certainly, I mean, I wouldn't say that that's certainly a red flag. I wouldn't put that as a deal breaker. Red flags simply mean ask more questions. You could simply ask them. I'm kind of curious. You haven't even met me. Why do you want to commit to me? Are you willing to give me $100,000 cash? If you want to commit to me, are you willing to make a car payment for me next month? Because that's, and I'm being tongue in cheek here, but that just kind of breaks it down in a humorous way. Well, you don't really want to commit to me because you're not going to lend me money. Isn't it fascinating how we will be committed and have physical intimacy with someone, but yet we won't give them money when they need it. But that's an old mother conversation. Jane Spitfire says, Marie still cares for you. Yes, she does. I think she's very sweet. I care for her. Also, you know what she gave me is a bag of pistachios. And I'm like, you brought that on the airplane? She goes, yeah, I bought it thinking of you. I feel a little bad. I didn't get her anything. But you know what? I didn't, you know, I think it's a sweet gesture, but it wasn't like open the door to get back together. Let me just be clear about that. All right. Let's see. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Kimberly's back says, continue wants to wait till she graduates to be serious since she struggles and he's in her life. Yeah, I said as I earlier, you know what? Don't give him your benefits of your vagina until he's ready to commit to you. Folks, you have a choice. You can roll the dice, okay? But Jonathan, we have so much. By the way, this is an excuse. Let me tell you something. If I was in that same position and you were the one, I wouldn't give you that bullshit advice or bullshit. I would not say that. That's just bullshit, okay? I recognize that it might have some deep truth in it, but he certainly doesn't think you're the one. He might think you're the one for right now. I'm not saying that as an absolute, but there's a high probability that that's how he views you, okay? Jonathan, did you get Maria a gift? What do you think it means men? Well, first off, we're not in a relationship, so I didn't feel an obligation to get Valentine's gift and quite frankly, no, I didn't get her a gift. It wasn't like she's not my girlfriend, you know? That's why I didn't get her a gift. I do think that Marie, like Leaf says is a class act, you know, and again, I even said I feel bad I didn't give you a gift. She goes, absolutely don't feel bad. This was just an impromptu thing because you know what she said to me? You were really good to me. She said that, you were really good to me. And I equally, I was actually, I actually, I teared up while I was sharing with her because there's something about her personality that I absolutely love. I'm gonna keep it private between her and I, but I shared some of the things that I admire most about her. I think we do genuinely admire and respect. She even said the words with love and respect. I think she respects me, I respect her. We just weren't a fit for the long-term and that's okay too. Thanks Leafs, I appreciate that. Diane wants to know how long does it take a grower and builder to take to commit? Okay, great question. Genuine grower and builders, if they are truly in love with their partner, I would say that you shouldn't, those men want monogamy and exclusivity fairly quickly, usually within three to six weeks, but no later than three months. Usually they want monogamy and exclusivity. As far as it being a bit more serious, I believe a man knows within 90 days if there's potential and certainly by one year with somebody, they know with a fair amount of certainty whether or not they want to be in it with the long-term with you, okay? I think you have to go through a full, you gotta go through summer, fall, winter and spring with someone to really know that they are probably one. And by the way, a grower and builder has their act together. They have everything clean, okay? You just have to remember just some, man might appear to be a grower builder, but if he doesn't have his act together, that's gonna delay his capacity, just like the man who is raising a child. I don't wanna say he doesn't have his act together, but I think he's just using that as an excuse to get all the benefits of sex by keeping distance from her. That's just my supposition on this part. All right, Maria's in the house. By the way, come on, someone joined the hot seat. Be brave. Did you happen to buy Maria Veldenskij? By the way, thank you for sharing. Yet, no, I did not. I guess I'm getting an older comments here. Leafs does want to acknowledge that was a beautiful personal share. Thank you so much, Leafs. I appreciate that. Kimberly says, thank you for the advice. I appreciate that. Hey, one of our Facebook group members has said happy Valentine's Day. If you wanna have direct access to me on a regular basis, check out the link below to my group called Midlife Love Mastery. We have a Facebook group. We do a once a month webinar. You can ask me questions directly. Check out the group called Midlife Love Mastery below. Do you have to be his girlfriend to send a Valentine's card or gift? Well, I think, by the way, when I was growing up, we used to give Valentine's Day candies to everybody in the class. I mean, I got lots of Valentine's messages from clients and from friends today. So yeah, I don't understand the question, but I think we can send love to anybody at any time. We can send love to anybody at any time. That's the way I view it, okay? New York City Nights Eagles, what is the biggest thing that stopped being divorced men to marry, in your opinion? So I think if you mean, what's the reason why divorced men won't remarry? I think divorce can be an incredibly traumatic emotional event in a person's life. And depending on how it went down, it could leave some deep scars. I think it can cause a lot of men and women to become bitter and jaded. I think a lot of people fear financial challenges. If there was a separation of assets, there might be a reluctancy to remarry. I think those are oftentimes, I think in many cases, men have felt that they weren't appreciated in their marriages. So that might be another reason. Men who were assholes who were directly the cause of the divorce usually find another woman that will replace that woman temporarily. Because if he were as an asshole then, he doesn't change automatically, that he'll get, he could easily get married to someone because he doesn't care about, he didn't care. I think it's the men who care oftentimes have the greatest fear. Bum, bum, bum, the men who care have the greatest fear. I think men who don't care might have fear, but they don't care. I think the men who care that have fear have greater reservation. I could be completely psychologically 180 degrees off. I'm just speculating here for a moment, but I think the guys who care oftentimes have the greatest fear. Guys who don't care, they have fear, but it's rooted in a, their fear is rooted in mistrust of the other opposite sex, in my opinion. I think that being alone too long could be another, could be another reason. You know, if they felt used in any way, I mean, there's a variety of different emotional feelings that could happen that could cause that, but thank you for that question. I really appreciate it. NYC Night's Eagles. You didn't want to open the door to get back together with me. Correct. I feel as though, folks, and I'm glad you asked this question. We were meant to go on a journey together, and we did, and I think we learned a lot about ourselves individually, and we grew, but we weren't meant to go the distance. Do I, you know, I think the little kid inside of me that is a hopeful romantic might want that, but it's not the adult in me, no, and I don't give in to the little kid. I think I recognize that the adult recognizes that there were some differences that are very valid, that, you know, I think, you know, I want to say we could have made it work, you know, but I think we both would have been settling, not settling for something bad. I don't mean it that way, but I think we each want something a little bit more. This is the challenge in midlife. You know, we, you know, do we hold out for what our hearts desire, or do we settle for a warm body? I don't think either one of us just wanted that type of relationship. I think she wants something more out of her life at this point in time, and I want something more out of it. Maybe five years from now we might reconnect, and who knows, we might get together in five years. I actually hope to meet someone sooner. By the way, did you guys see the picture I posted on my community page? So I'm gonna share something personal. So I did one of those psychic Tina's draw your soulmate photograph, here is the picture of her, okay? Can you see that? I'm trying to get, sorry, it's not crisp, okay? Now I want to be candid with you. It was an impulse buy, okay? It's just a total impulse buy. And I thought, oh, how appropriate for Valentine's Day I could do a post. I'll be candid with you. It wasn't like I saw her photographing went, whoa, you know, like angels were singing. I was attracted to her. I'm attracted to that photograph. I recognize it's probably some AI program that created it. But I do believe that someone special is just around the corner for many of us. I do believe that. I think when we are clean, and that's why one of the benefits of getting together with Marie was it created a bit of closure. It was kind of clean. We even said that we were kind of, you know, the ending happened so quickly that by engaging a little bit of connection today, it allowed for a much cleaner way that we're gonna view our relationship going forward. Do I consider my friend, you know, not my inner circle friend. I think she's, we are going to be friendly with each other and we are going to care about what happens to each other's lives and our children's lives. I care about her children. She cares about my son. So, but we don't have to be on the phone sharing our personal most intimate thoughts with each other. That's not necessary. So thank you for that question. Bootsy, back in the house, forgive me. If I'm wrong, I thought Taylor and Burton, he drank, Taylor and Burton, he drank alcohol. Why it did not work. Anyway, my ex stopped drinking 2001, 2003. Now, Susan Rose, that's why I divorced in 2019, eight years ago. Thank you for that update. I appreciate it. Did you hear Billy, Lean Hull? Did you hear J.A. Bubonic Plague was in Oregon? Did you hear the Bubonic Plague was in Oregon? No, I did not hear that. Hey, Google, is the Bubonic Plague in Oregon right now? First, I think it's the Bubonic Plague in Oregon. All right. All right, we just solved that one. That's 2015. Gloria says, Jonathan, Gloria Molina, why is that name familiar to me? Jonathan, I just want to let you know I really admire you. Thank you for your honesty. I appreciate that. Thank you so much. Let's keep going. Hey, Beach Lover, thank you for the $2 Super Sticker. Our goal is $50. That means we have $48 more to go. Send me some love today. This is Valentine's Day. We'd love to get some love today. All right, Melinda, what do you think it means when a guy doesn't buy you a Valentine's Day gift? Okay, I'm gonna be blunt, folks. I fucking hate Valentine's Day. I'm a romantic guy, by the way. I don't like the idea of the expectation of it. I just don't. I think for some men, it's necessary because they're very rarely ever romantic, but to someone who is a romantic person, I don't think it should be relegated to one day. That's just how I feel. I don't appreciate the day. But Jonathan, you're a love coach. You should care about this. No, you know what? That's bullshit. A relationship doesn't fall on one day. Every day should feel like Valentine's Day. So, and then, but what I don't like about this is what does it mean when he doesn't buy you a gift? Okay, well, if you're expecting a gift, then that's not coming from a place of generosity. I didn't buy Maria gift today, okay? She was kind enough to give me a gift. I didn't buy her. And I guarantee you, if you called her right now, she wouldn't have judged me one bit for not doing that. And by the way, when we were in relationship last year on Valentine's Day, we didn't give each other gifts. We didn't, we had just come back from a two-week trip through the Panama Canal, which was our, collectively, our Valentine, but we didn't, like we, she wasn't big on that kind of stuff. And I'm grateful that I didn't feel the pressure of doing that kind of stuff because it should come from the heart, not from an expectation. By the way, if you agree with me, give me a thumbs up right now or post a comment like, amen, Jonathan. I'd be curious to know how you guys feel about that. You ladies, excuse me. All right, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, let's keep going. The men who really care have the greatest fear. This makes sense and explains why some men are jumping right back into relationships after divorce. Yeah, I think that's possibly a good reason. Oh, Jess says, this is interesting. Personally, I'm glad you didn't get anything for Valentine's Day, Jonathan. I would read too much into it if I were her. I don't think she, yeah, you know what? I think if I'd given her something, it might have been perceived as, I'm trying to get back together, which that wouldn't been the case. So, I'm grateful I didn't for that reason do it, but I wouldn't want her to, I wouldn't want her to miss, and by the way, I think it's just a sign of saying we're friends, not a romantic relationship. And again, yet, I do appreciate her thoughtfulness. She said she saw the card and that's what the impetus was for. Power of chi, Jonathan. Have you seen the Netflix show, Sex Life? If so, what do you think? No, I will go watch it tonight. I'm always looking for something to watch. Go logo. I hate Valentine's Day too. Donna says, I totally agree. Paul Tree says, I love Valentine's Day. Some people call it tomorrow is single awareness day, exactly. All right, let's keep going here. Billy Holt says, you're right, no gift, no money, no celebration of any kind, just nothing. Cupcake says, I agree with you, Jonathan. I'd rather get nothing than a thoughtless gift on Valentine's Day. By the way, okay, I was in a relationship with a woman, sweet gal, but nothing I could do. Okay, I'm gonna tell you something. Some people are difficult, okay? She's a beautiful, sweet, kind, loving human being, but I couldn't buy her the right gift to save my life. And if I didn't, I was judged for not knowing her too well. This is the kind of shit that we have to deal with. I think this is where love should just be, not should have to come with pretenses or expectations. I think that's the real problem a lot of people face in midlife as they come in with so many fucking unrealistic expectations that no wonder it's a clusterfuck out there. I'm not gonna curse too much, okay? I've been told I curse too much. Julie says, thank you for answering my question. I appreciate that. By the way, I'm usually good at buying flowers. Flowers are an easy thing. Actually, I used to, you know, it's funny when we went to Costco, I'd always walk by the roses and say, Marie, we need to get a two dozen roses because it was nice having two dozen roses and it was always my choice to do that. I think it wasn't, it's just something to brighten up the home, not necessarily, it was a we thing, not a her thing or a me thing. All right, let's keep going here. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Sunshine, oh, by the way, folks, I wanna give props here to Sunshine Labardi. I agree with you, in my opinion, every day is Valentine's Day because you're sharing your feelings with your loved one. Sunshine was sweet enough. She wrote me today, she has created a shirt out of my book and she'll be mailing it to me tomorrow. I wanna give her her props here. Right now, she's created a t-shirt out of my book and I will be sharing it with you all publicly as soon as I get it in the mail in the next couple of days. Everyone, I want you to give a big hug and a round of appreciation to Sunshine Labardi. I don't actually know her first name but with much appreciation, thank you for the love. That is a beautiful Valentine's Day gift. All right, folks, we just discussed the seven secret thoughts a man has when he's truly into you or feelings that he has that when he's into you. I hope you gain value out of this conversation. You can go rewind it to listen to those seven things. These things go on in his mind. Does she like or love me? Is she thinking of me? Is she going to like this or worse, is she gonna judge me for it? Can I be vulnerable with her without scaring her away? If I make a mistake, will she hold it against me? Did I please her in bed? And I'll get jealous if you're talking to another guy. What could I say? All right, folks, I hope you found value in this. If you did, post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. I do my best to read them all in the first 24 hours. If you liked this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell as well. And if you wanna schedule a discovery call with me, join my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Follow me on Instagram, get all the books I recommend. They're listed below in the show notes and in the first comment. I'm gonna sign up this video as I always do first off. Give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrett of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow. Give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Sarah and Cupcake and Leaves and Julie and Gloria and Sunshine Labardi and Sherry and Billy Holt and Lighthouse and Tammy and Donna and NC Night's Eagles and Amy for him and Diane and Julia and Boosty and Gina and Sabrina and Jan too. Everyone, big hugs wishing you a super duper, wonderful, fantastic.