 I think black men's gripe is that we are taught as men in general as black men in particular that we need to compete for everything in life, particularly women. There's a dude out there who's taller, more handsome, has more money, more charismatic the whole night. I have to position myself in a way where I can attract the caliber of woman that I want. Adversely, women, particularly black women, grow up in situations where they're taught maybe overtly or covertly that men have no value. Because I see no inherent value in manhood, I see no reason to have to compete. So he should want me just because. And I think that's what leads to certain women having such bad attitudes, having such bad hygiene, having such bad even like weight control. Because deep down, black men aren't worth competing for. Black men are birthright. They are as good as how good they make us feel. He should love me however I come. And he should believe when I say that I will magically be the best woman that he's ever had once he shows me dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Black boy, tell me how you really feel. Because I just want to build with you. Black girl, tell me how you really feel. I want to keep it real with you. I want to live better, eat better. I want to love better, sleep better. Yeah, I want to feel so aligned. I mean, I want to like have this conversation without placing blame. I want to be neutral. And also without being so like individualistic. Because obviously we know everyone's different. I live in Atlanta. Preface that. So I do understand how that could be a little bit of a factor. But I think that in my own experience, men my age don't have that internal drive to being commit relationships, honestly. And I think factor that in with like social media. Factor that in with external pressures, with them trying to get themselves together, this and that. It's dating is trash. You can't just blanket statement that. There are other things that go into that. But my experience hasn't been all that great. I'm not going to lie. And I feel like I'm a pretty good dater. I feel like I have a good time, you know? And I feel like I asked the right questions. And dating to get to these committed relationship stage is indeed trash. So what's your experience been so far? I was talking to you a little bit about it. I found that a lot of men, I'm in my later 20s. What they say and what they do tends to be different. So where they'll approach and we'll go through the talking phase. What comes out of their mouth is I want to be in a committed relationship. And, you know, I want to take things to the next level, this and that. But when they're actually face to face with the reality of it, it's like they run. And I don't know if that's, you know, trauma from past relationships or just the really wanting that talking phase, because honestly, the talking phase is pretty chill. You know, there's really not much pressure, but yeah, it's a complete lack of, I guess, self-awareness of, OK, this person might be ready for something more. I'm not really willing to give that, but I'm also not really willing to say that that's not what I want for fear of that other party leaving or whatever. So, yeah, I don't know. And I feel like another thing is like, I don't think our generation is all that good of stating what their expectations are from the beginning. Like if you just wanted to be sex or you just wanted to be something casual or this and that, then just say that. And I think it also is different based on the caliber of person that you're dealing with, and this is men or women. I think that when men see a quality woman or when a woman sees a quality man that they feel as though, oh, this person is serious, like this person is somebody that I don't want to play with this and that, when faced with the commitment conversation, it could be kind of like a fear on the inside. Like I know that I can't perform and I know or I know that I can't live up to this person's expectations or I'm just not ready for a committed relationship. So I run, I ghost and ghosting is another whole another conversation or I do something to sabotage the situation. And so then you end up just having two confused people that went through, you know, whatever for however many months and it's just like, OK, on to the next. So what's your what's your theory so far? Like as far as like what's what's your game plan to to identify and get what it is that you want. So maybe start there. What is it that you actually want? And then how would you map out the path to getting there? Yeah, I can't say that I'm ready to be a wife like this person today, ready to be a wife. But I can say and I don't know if this is from just being tired of the talking phase or being tired of the singleness, which has a little bit of ego involved in it as well. But I can say that I am ready to be in a committed relationship. I'm ready to share my day to day life with somebody how to get there. I don't know, because obviously what I'm doing isn't working. So I can't say that I can't sit here and be super confident. Like, oh, yeah, I'm amazing at everything that I'm doing is right because you have to take some form of like self-accountability that obviously there's something in your process that's not working. I don't know. Like I've analyzed and I'm like, am I just not choosing the right men? Am I not choosing the right age bracket? Because that's another thing too. I'm not really I don't really attract older men. Like I don't attract men 35 plus. I don't know. I just don't. I don't know if it's because I look young or whatever. But but I am very wise. So it's surprising that I don't or maybe I do attract them, but they just they're just older. Yeah, like, I don't know. Maybe that's what it is. Um, but men my ages are I don't just don't know. They're I don't just don't know if I don't want to say keep up with because that puts a notion that I'm better than a man that might be 27 years old. But maybe I just have to give men my age grace that they're just not ready. And maybe I'm just not playing in the right bracket. Maybe because I sit here and I don't like the self-analyzation on a platform. I'm not a big fan of that. I'm not going to see you and tell you what I bring to the table. Like I don't like any of that stuff. But I will say that I look at the quality of my friendships. I look at the quality of my family. I look at the quality of the relationship I have maybe with co-workers. There's people on a day-to-day basis and I don't think anyone would say that it's toxic. I don't think anyone would say that I'm not a good person. I don't think anyone would say that I'm not a value add in their life. So I do have the confidence in saying I do believe I would be a good partner. I say that with complete confidence. There's just something in the process that's not working. And I think if I were like a 70s or a 60s baby, I don't think it would be this difficult. I think it might just be the millennial generation. Because we were talking yesterday how like the 80s babies. I feel like they went through a lot of stuff, but the dating scene wasn't really all that confusing. Millennials, the dating thing is obviously confusing. We're kind of on the edge of we knew what it was like before social media and we knew what it's like with it. And then Gen Z is like we were talking about, they just don't care. They're just like whatever. So I think that millennials specifically have a very peculiar dating situation. So there's a lot of different factors, location, age. I don't know, what are your thoughts? I see. So let's do this. You ask me questions based on, you know, this whole dating thing. And I'll give you my honest opinion on what's going on. And hopefully, you know, there's a young lady, maybe also in Atlanta, who's having the same issue who can, you know what I'm saying? Identify and have some value out of the conversation. I guess my first question for you would be, do you think dating is trash in your personal experience? I think we are suffering from analysis paralysis. Yeah. I think we have way too many options, not just options of ways to meet people, like online dating, social media, shit like that. But also the illusion of way too many options of people. Men and women. Yeah, men and women. And then also way too many options of like lifestyles too. And I think that's why it's so hard for men and women to decide what it is that they actually want. And if you're kind of wishy-washy about what it is that you actually want, your results tend to be kind of wishy-washy as well. Interesting. Sometimes I feel like why get into a relation? Like the the we know that being single is something that's pretty much manageable. People obviously have their individual situations. But being single is manageable because all you of course, if you don't have children or responsibilities and things like that, because all you really have to manage is yourself. Like I can come home, I can set the environment. No one is stepping on my toes, if that makes sense. The thought of bringing in another person, I feel like can be scary for us because it's challenging, you know? And the lifestyle thing that you mentioned, what like what type of life do we really want to be living that is going to dictate a successful long term relationship? Like if we go with that, it's like, OK, can he if he provides you this lavish lifestyle and that's the only metric or merit that you are basing this off of. Is that sustainable? Does that make sense? I think I think what's complicated is that I really hope I'm wrong. But I don't think modern people want the same things that our parents or their their parents wanted. You know what I mean? So like long term relationships, even our ideas of them are different. I agree. And that's why I think we're going to have to kind of renegotiate what that means for us. Because honestly, I think people are going to even if people still get married, they're going to get married on average later in life. They're going to have less kids, marriages might not last as long. Because again, it goes back to we think there's so much more out there, not just like other people, but also other experiences and like locking yourself down to marriage. And I know we talk about some couples who are like travel bays and shit like that. But like it for the vast majority of people, that's not going to be their outcomes. What do you think? What experience is your lifestyle? Do you think that women our age are idealizing in a relationship? Travel, travel. Something you can do when you're single, travel, travel is a big one. I think the power couple dynamic is a big one. OK, where they're both bosses and they're both working a bunch of working a lot. I think it could work in a less traditional setup. But if you're thinking about kids and things like that, there is going to have to be one of the two parents who prioritizes rearing the children while the other one is a breadwinner. But I don't think people think all this stuff through. I think they just like how, you know, shit looks. I agree. I agree. OK. What do you think of the soft girl life? So what is it like the soft girl life movement? Yes, for black women specifically. I don't I don't believe it. And I think a lot of dudes don't believe it, kind of like I was telling you yesterday, like. I think we are focusing more on the aesthetic of things, just how shit looks than what it actually means. So what soft girl life actually is supposed to mean is women embracing their femininity, women embracing their, you know, their softness, right? In a world that in a lot of ways forces them to be hard. But when a lot of women I've seen, you know, talk about soft girl life, they're really talking about like sugar babying, the sugar baby lifestyle, the I was that girl, I want to be on the beach and Dubai on it. I've been suffering. I suffered for 19 years. It's time for me to shake my ass on a yacht. They're not talking about like being a nurturer, learning how to cook, learning skincare, learning how to take care of your head, you know, learning conflict resolution, learning how to be the soft to a man's heart. And that's why I think a lot of it falls flat on his face. And I think that's also why a lot of dudes don't don't believe it because that real softness takes practice. And you don't just like, you know, how some girls don't say, if I meet a strong man, I'll know how to rest in my femininity. A lot of women don't have practice doing that. So like the idea that it took this. Tick tock hashtag for you to now want to be a woman. It's like, man, you don't even know what the hell you're talking about. Yeah, I don't know. I think that the premise of it is is positive. But I think that that soft girl life. I think you have to conquer it in your singleness before you conquer it in a relationship. Because like you said, you can't expect just because you're in a relationship, now you start being this soft girl. And what exactly does soft girl mean? Is it a lifestyle or is it just the way that you live your life in peace every day? I guess it looks different for different people. I know it looks different for me than maybe what it might look like on TikTok. You know, you're going around, you're traveling and blah, blah, blah. But I can see how people might view it as maybe like a cop out. I can see how people might view it as. This takes responsibility of the woman. It takes away the responsibility of a woman having to do anything. You know, it's I am the table to point out. That's that's really that's really what it is. I don't know. Because at the core, I think black men's gripe. Is that we are taught as men in general as black men in particular that we need to compete for everything in life, particularly women. There's a dude out there who's taller, more handsome, has more money, more charismatic, the whole nine. I have to position myself in a way where I can attract the caliber of woman that I want. Adversely, women, particularly black women, grow up in situations where they're taught maybe overtly or covertly that men have no value. You don't need a man. A man is as good as how well he can sex you and how much money he can give you. But because I see no inherent value in manhood, I see no reason to have to compete. So he should want me just because. And I think that's what leads to you know, women, certain women having such bad attitudes, having such bad hygiene, having such bad, you know, even like weight control, because deep down it's like black men aren't worth competing for. Black men are our birthright and, you know, they are as good as how good they make us feel. You feel what I'm saying? So like he should love me at any size. He should love me however I come. And he should believe when I say that I will magically be the best woman that he's ever had once he shows me dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. That's real. But it's a value thing. Yeah. A part of me is like I don't want for my fellow black women to feel as valuable as the presence of masculinity in their life. Like I feel like that value to a point should be inherent. I feel like, well, let's let's talk about the weight thing, because I do think that that's an issue within our community. And I feel like I want to work on my health and wellness. I want to live a healthy lifestyle because I value and I love myself not so much because I want to be attractive to a man. I want to get chose. Yeah. You know. And so that's where it's kind of like it's not hypocritical. It's just a little bit of dissonance because on one side you're like black women might need to get a little bit competitive. But then on the other side, it's like, where do black women learn to rest and to take care of themselves and allow for the good the good things in life to be attracted to them, which in my opinion, is a big factor of femininity. I think that we're very good at or OK, let me rephrase. I think that as long as we work on ourselves and we do work on our femininity and we work on becoming the highest version of ourselves, I think that everything that you want and you desire will be attracted to you. Call it woo woo, whatever. But I do believe that and I think that a lot of women in other cultures get it. And I find that we're the only ones that harp so much on like pick me's and we harp so much on looking down on another woman just because like maybe they keep themselves up and they do like male attention. I don't think it's really all that bad to enjoy male attention or enjoy when a man compliments you or to flirt, you know, or to be in the presence of men. I don't think that's bad. But for some reason, black women with the only ones are like, well, you know, if you dress up or if you do this or that, then you are trying to be a pick me or you're trying to get male validation or this or that. And I don't know, I think that does stem from our lack of resting in our feminine and even knowing what that looks like. Now, why I say that I think the soft life is a is a positive movement, even if it could be taken as fake or whatever is because I would have loved to see my seen my mom live a soft life. And I think a lot of both black men and young black women would have loved to see their mothers live soft lives and why there has to be so much, I don't know, like I personally, when I get on social media, I don't see black men being like, oh, this black girl talking about a soft life, whatever, whatever, but I have talked to men, you know, in my life and they're like, that is so annoying or this or that. But it's like, why? Why is that annoying to you all? Like, why wouldn't you want to be like, yes, sis, like, live your soft life this and that? Because it's not authentic. That's kind of what I was saying earlier. It's not authentic because most women, most women who are touting this and I low key I blame Nigerian women because the whole soft life came from Nigeria. Really? Interesting. So the whole soft life, you know what I'm saying? It came from Nigeria. I didn't know that. I could be, I will leave myself open to be wrong, but I was hearing, I was hearing soft this, soft that, soft boy, soft, that comes, that's part of Nigerian slang. Now Nigerian women are notorious for, you know, your handsomeness is what's in your hands. A handsome man has something in his hands. Right? Explain that more. It's more about your status in our culture. It's more about your perceived economic value in our culture. And, you know, if you can't, if it's not clear that you're up to the task to take care of me and from the female point of view, that means funding my lifestyle. It doesn't matter if you're a good dude, like it starts with can you, can you afford me? And that's one of my big critiques about our culture in Nigeria and our women. But I say all that to say a lot of what this soft life thing is now championing is stuff that the late Kevin Samuel was talking about, is stuff that the Manisphere has been talking about, is stuff that dudes have been talking about in their barbershop, but it was dismissed as misogynistic. It was dismissed as archaic. But now that it's repackaged under a TikTok and Instagram hashtag, it's like now you want to listen. So from the perspective of the dudes who've been saying this for 20 years or 10 years, who've been dealing with this in their real life, it's like, nah, it's a trend to you. You don't even understand what it is that men are actually saying is just now that it's popular, now that you're hearing a whole bunch of women say it, you're just on the soft life train, but you don't actually understand what it means because you'll see some women, for instance, that they are trying so hard to be to be soft. Like you can tell they're even like actively trying to make their voice less harsh. They're actively trying to be... Is that not what y'all have asked black women to do? Absolutely. But what we're asking is to make it sustainable. So that's where self-reflection comes in. That's where therapy comes in. That's where like reconciling the anger that is in a lot of our women, that's when that comes in because anything else it's hanging on by thread. And as soon as that dude do something, you don't like, you forget all the softness and you will go right back to being a no limit soldier. So dudes, we end up just kind of holding our breath like, this ain't you, this really ain't you. You feel what I'm saying? So we wanted a situation where women themselves were able to course correct, women themselves were able to be reflective and introspective and it didn't have to it didn't have to be inspired by a fucking TikTok hashtag. OK. That's that's all men are really saying. And that's why we're kind of hesitant to be like, OK, OK. OK, a few things I will say this last point about that. There's a difference between and I've used this analogy before. There's a difference between a dude that keeps his space clean his apartment clean, for instance, because he thinks better and that's how he likes his place to be. Versus a dude who keeps his apartment who cleans up his apartment. He knows a girl is coming over. OK, because at some point. There might not be no girls coming over. No, no, not. There might not be some girls coming over after he's got her. Whatever the case may be, he'll revert back. There's no need to perform anymore. I see. So that's not sustainable. So similarly, like, are you being soft as a means to an end? Or is that who you are? Mm hmm. Well, one thing I will say and I hate that we have to use social media as a metric, but I think that in a YouTube space, we don't know each other's lives. We don't know the individuals in people's lives. So that's social media is the only point of reference. I think that in especially in like TikTok space, Instagram space with this soft life thing. People who are creating this content I feel like for themselves, you know, which does, you know, promote your point of are y'all doing it authentically. What my fear is specifically in the mannosphere space. And this is no knock to the mannosphere because, you know, I observe and I keep it moving. But it's like. When is it's not when is enough enough because I think that the conversation is important. I think it's when are when. What type of woman is enough? Like, like at what point are like, OK, yes, black women are working on themselves because in the mannosphere space, they'll do reviews or do whatever and they'll do reviews on like the bottom of the barrel women. And it's just like that's might not be an accurate representation of how the average black woman is. And it scares me a little bit because it's going to continue to feed the negativity cycle. And I know we talked about this in the premise of, you know, this is entertainment, this or that. But like, no, like if a woman is trying, actively trying to talk softer to be a little bit more feminine to do this or that, I don't know if that's necessarily a bad thing. And maybe we do have to put things to the test. But I think that the I don't know, like, is will the facade per se, could it potentially lead to habitual actions? Does that make sense? And it's a lot of women come and they see this content and they're like, oh, yes, I want to live a soft life as well. And I guess we should probably define what a soft life is, but if they do see women, women that might be traveling, women that might not be on the hustle and the grind, women that might take the time to get up in the morning and pray and to and to meditate and to lollygag and do all the things that historically black women really have not been able to do. If they do look at this content, maybe something will click in their brains, like, oh, I want to live that life, too. And they start to live that life. Does that make sense? I understand what you're saying, but that's again, that's not the point. The point is like men are saying women are fixating on the aesthetic. OK. No, what did Bruce Lee say, like Kung Fu is not a martial arts is a way of life, right? A lot of women are fixating on the aesthetic. So they're fixating on the traveling. They're fixating on the yoga. They're fixating on the getting up and doing your nails and shit like that, as opposed to fixating on being in alignment with your natural energy. And that's what men are saying, because a common misconception is that, you know, the man is fear is or, you know, spaces like that are basically. Are setting a dangerous precedent for men's expectations of women when in a way, that's true. I think some of it is confirmation bias, but we also have to remember these men have mothers. These men have sisters. These men come in contact with black females on a daily basis, whether it's the cashier at the grocery store, whether it's the waitress at the restaurant, whatever the case may be. So like, why is it that a lot of these even these videos that we're seeing are so easily confirmed by so many men? I think it's because, number one, the gap between a good black woman and a shitty one, it doesn't seem as wide. Like women in general are a lot more accommodating, right? Like you hear women, for instance, say, just cause my two friends are hoes doesn't mean I'm a hoe. And that happens. You'll see women who for all intents and purposes, there's really no reason they should be friends other than like traveling and brunch and taking pictures and going to the club and shit like that. And men are saying the reason why we're talking about the bottom of the barrel is cause she's a lot closer to you as a good woman than the bottom of the barrel dude is to me as a good man. So we must address it holistically and unfortunately, as a man, it seems to be the case that I'm more likely to come in contact with a shitty black woman than a good one. Because even some of the good one masquerade as shitty ones whether it's resting bitch face to protect themselves or whatever the case may be. Or they're in a group of shitty ones. So again, it's hard to even tell y'all apart. And nobody considers that in the conversation that men are having. They just say, if you guys stop complaining for instance, things will magically fix themselves. And do the same, no, my mom's like that. I grew up with that. My sister's like, I grew up with that. So don't tell me it doesn't exist. Okay. I see, I see and I hear you. Okay. The critiques don't end. Like, it's always going to be something else. And it's like, I know, I see why talking about the success stories don't gain as much attention. It doesn't garner as much money. But it's like, okay, I can't, don't do soft life. Soft life could come off as fake. Don't smile all the time. You don't want to have a resting bitch face. You'll have a smile on your face all the time. Walk a certain way. Talk a certain way. And it's just like, it keeps going and going and going. And coming from somebody that's outside of that, I'm not on YouTube or anything. I have a regular nine of five. I'm not an entrepreneur. I'm nothing like that. It's just, it can get a little bit like, just a lot of information coming at you. Or it's like, okay, so who can I be? And even if I do present myself as one thing, will their critiques continue? And then you get into, okay, well, a white man ain't gonna be doing all this. A man outside of my race isn't gonna be doing all this. I'm saying this as a metaphor, right? What I'm about to say. But I can rest easier in the presence of maybe non-black man because the need to perform to be all of these things isn't necessarily there. Now, of course, there are those challenges of, is this non-black man challenging you? Are they dating you and pushing you to be the best version of yourself? Because one thing I will say, I do think that, and maybe I am just a little bit of an optimist, but I do believe that some men in the men's sphere really do wanna see black women thrive, you being one of them. So I can't, I'm not gonna sit here and say that your voice isn't very important, but interracial or like women going more towards non-black men, it could just be a little bit more easier. And I think that that is a mirror of what black men might feel as well dating non-black women. So it's, yeah, so non-black women. So it's just like, okay, should we start to evaluate and analyze the way that we're going about trying to fix the relationship between black men and black women? I think that's something that we definitely need to eventually talk about. Because at the end of the day, I'm not trying to be a hippie here, but like that love and that positivity, in my opinion, should be the number one goal, you know? And it could be that the men's sphere and the feminist space can be very unloving. It could be very, a lot of resentment, a lot of disdain, just that energy that's just mustering up, you know? And is it gonna be towards our own detriment? And is everybody at the end of the day just gonna be like, all right, we'll just date outside our race, everything is fine, la-dee-da-dee-da, but at the end of the day, I think a lot of black women don't want to date outside their race. They just don't. Black men, we can have a combo about that. But black women, I don't think, I think the majority of them do not. The, but it's just, I don't know. All right, I'm done with my rant. I think you're giving them the bad for the doubt, but.