 Y cwmdd i arddai amgylchedd y link ar gyfer y cyfnodau dyma i ymgylchedd. ac rwy'n rwy'n dweud y dyfodol i'r ddysguiaeth yn gyntaf am y ffordd wedi gwneud hynny'n cael hynny'n gwneud y podddai'n gweithio'r hynny. Ieg yw ar ddim i fynd bobl gwnaeth yn cymryd mewn cyfloddihaf cyllid youtube'n hyn ap ystod y gwnaeth am rwy'r popeth hwn. I hoffi'n gallu ei wneud dyna ar gyfer, yw'r cwem. Horifodd, mae'r gwaith! Yna! And today's guests, we've got the beautiful Helen Wood. How are we? I'm alright, thanks. First of all, thanks for coming on. Thank you. Oh, you're a busy girl. I am but making time for you, James. I know it's standard, isn't it, procedure now? So how's life? It's alright. It's good. New book coming out. Yeah. Mansworld? Yeah. It's a mansworld? Well no, it's called Just a Mansworld, but it sounds very man bashing but it's not. Mae'n ddiwedd a'r hyfforddiad i'r pobl y gallu bach. Rhaid i gael o'r odd. Rhaid i gael o'r odd, mae'n gweithio mae'n gweithio yn ystod, neu mae'n gweithio o'r odd yma. Rhaid i'r odd yna. Rhaid i'r odd! Rhaid i'r odd! Rhaid i'r gwneud. Rwyf yn gweithio am y gwaith. Rwyf yn gweithio am y gweithio yma, ac yn y gallu gwybwys i'r gweithio yn y gweithio. Bultwn gyro, sut rydw i'r llifau arall yn cyfnodd? Well, yna'r ffordd ymlaen o'r fforddau cathol i'w cythloedd yn ymdyn nhw, bydd yna bod yna'r ffordd ymlaeniant, gallwn y gallwn y rhaid i'r rhaid i'r ddeuach. Mae'r rhai yn ymdyn nhw'n ffordd... Mae'r rhaid i'r ffordd yn oed arlaethol, ond mae'n meddwl o rhaid i ddeu 다. Mae'n meddwl i'r rhaid i ddeu� mewn. Mae'n meddwl i'r meddwl i'r rhaid i'r meddwl. that I didn't really have a childhood neither of us did, like me or my brothers, it was just a house that we kind of lived in and listened to just nonstop shit and arguing and fighting. Yeah, Maen nhw'n fawr, ond mae'n defnyddio'n rhan o brydau sydd, ac mae gennym fod bwysig, yn ystyried. Felly hyn yn y fawr hon yn y dywed ymlaen. Gael yÙlo ar siŵr, mae'n imbob i chi'n bwysig. Felly mae gennym wad bwysig, ac mae'n gwneud i chi'n ddweud. Y gallwn yn y cyd-drawerfio a'ch gyrfa. Am wyf i chi'n fynd i chi'n gwybod, maen nhw'n ddweud. Mae'n ei gobeithio'n gwneud. Mae'n bryd yn ychydig fel rhai fawr i chi ddweud. o'r gwaith i ddweud o'r ddweud i'r ddaf yn ysgrifennu ac yn gallu, wandering o'r ddaf yn mynd i'w ddweud i'w ddweud i'w ddechrau. Ond ond, ond mae oedd yn gallu. Ond oedd ddweud i'w ddweud i'w ddweud i'w ddweud i'w ddweud i'w ddweud? Mae, mae. Ar eich bod yn dechrau. Rwy'n adeg. O'r 15 oed i'r ddweud i'w dechrau, ond, eich bod yn ei ffostigau, I'm still friends with the social worker that put me in care and she came to tell me that it was a vicar and I think she was head of English, the leader and I was like, you can get to fork like I'm not going in like that was my worst nightmare and then when I went in there with the when I moved in, they were just like the nicest, most amazing people. So, yeah, I actually had a great time there for all the wrong reasons. I completely like abused the trust and stuff like that, but they were lovely people. There were probably the first two adults that I'd ever met in my life that actually spoke to me. They didn't speak at me and that was really strange. That was kind of weird for me to get my head around at first. You know that these two grown ups were so nice. Did you have a lot of trust issues then for people when they were being nice? Did you think they wanted something or do you think why are they being nice? Did you question it a lot? Yeah, I'm still like that now. That's something that I'm still working on even at this age is when people are very, very nice to me, I always think this is a bit weird. Like, have they got a hidden agenda? Like, why should I trust them? I have got trust issues. I've still got trust issues. I've still got the same trust issues that I had from being a child. I don't know if that'll ever change because I'm a lot older now and I still don't really trust anybody. I won't. Fuck off! Fucking 36, that cheeky bastard! I said to him, for those watching, I said, how would you think I am? And he said 36, so I almost left. I was only kidding, I'm a joker, fuck sake. So obviously, but again, the trust issues and stuff can also be a reflection of yourself. They can also mean that everything is a sign, so when you're feeling some sort of way, it can be because that's the way you are as well. So maybe you've done a lot of wrong deeds to think. I have, yeah. That's where the insecurities come, the trust issues and all the bullshit of the day. Cos I'm the same, I'm the same boat as well. I didn't say that I've done... The only thing that I've ever done wrong, well, not I've done lots of things wrong, but when it comes to people trusting me, I'd like to think people could trust me. Strangers couldn't trust me years ago because of what I used to do. I used to sleep with people, husbands for a living. So I understand that, but my friends, I know that I'm a good friend. Obviously, I'm not trying to say that I'm white than white. I'm absolutely not. But I've got trust issues because obviously I know that a lot of men go out and do whatever they do behind the wives' backs and stuff like that. And... Not all men. Not all men. I had this argument on Twitter last night, some toaster changed my words. I said most men are wankers and some guy put, You cannot tar all men with the same brush. I just said you just swapped my fucking word most for all. I didn't say that. Loads of nice guys, but there's horrible girls. I'm not saying that all women are innocent. Some women are awful and they're just as snakey as a lot of men and things like that. So I'm not kind of... Yeah, again, but I believe the better person you become, the better person you attract. The more you change, then your mindset starts changing also. And no matter what in life, there's good or bad everywhere. No matter who you are, no matter what age. I've noticed that. As I've got older, I used to attract a lot of toxic people. As much as I had the same best friend, I did used to attract a lot of shitty men and shitty people in general. And as I've got older, I have noticed that I very, very quickly cut off from like a bad... Hate the like phrase bad energy and stuff, but it is a thing. There is such a thing as a bad energy. And when you... As soon as I pick up on that, I'm very like cutthroat with it. As much as people think I'm rude with it. If I see something bad or see just a tiny bit of something that I think that's not right. Nine times out of ten, I'm right. And they do turn out to be a person that I wouldn't really want to be around. But that's your gut feeling and your gut's connected to your brain. That's why it's your second brain. So you get that gut feeling. That's why when people don't use their intuition and gut feeling, they know majority of people know the answer straight away, but they ride with it because they think what if instead of going with your feeling and you'll get your energy vampires. If you've got good energy, you'll go with those fuckers who come up and talk to you. And as soon as they bastards leave, you're fucking drained because they've just stole your energy. I get it. It's true. Am I Steven? I feel it was Steven. So obviously the foster kind of stuff. How did you end up in foster if you had... I just had a really term or relationship with my dad. I didn't have a good relationship with my mum. But my dad's really found it very difficult that I was the dumb ass of the family. I wasn't academic whatsoever. I wasn't necessarily a very pretty child. And he used to really kind of make me feel very small in that way. Like any way he could make me feel small, he did. And then it started getting physical. Like I'd end up hitting him back. As I got older, I started fighting back and hitting him back and things like that. And I started running away. And I think he just got pissed off with the embarrassment of, you know, he had this image to maintain. And yet he had this delinquent, as he used to call me all the time. Like a child that would run away all the time in this tear away. So eventually it was just easier for him to say that you're going into care. And when social services did come to tell me that they'd signed me off into care, like they told me thinking that I'd be upset. They were like, you know, we have got some news for you blah, blah, blah. And I was buzzing. I was like, I wouldn't have been going home anyway. If you'd have sent me back there, I'd have just fucked off again. Was there a lot of violence towards you from your dad? Yeah, my dad kind of saw me. I've got to point out that although I'm not a believer in the whole, you know, I think you should always break a circle. I don't understand adults who don't break a circle when they have kids. It doesn't make any sense to me. Being a mother, I've never understood that. But my dad came from a really, really abusive childhood where his sisters were treated like absolute princesses. They had everything that they wanted. And my dad and his brothers were really, really badly physically and mentally abused by both sets of parents. And I genuinely believe that I was the scapegoat for my dad and his release in this anger that he continued to feel as he got older. And then I didn't turn out clever and things like that, which he hated. He despised the fact that I couldn't do things academically. And yeah, everything was just always my fault. Like if me and my brothers were fighting like normal siblings, it was me that got leathered. They never did. Or my mum and dad, my mum and dad I argue. And I remember once I was in, I had like a high bed. And him and my mum were arguing. I was asleep and he came in my bedroom and just literally grabbed my head from off the bed and dragged me off the bed by my skull while I was still asleep because he was arguing with my mum. And it was like I was the easy target. Do you ever look at the fact that your dad actually seen himself and you because of everything he went through? Absolutely. That's what I'm saying. I think it was his way of dealing with it. It's mother image as well. It can be conditioning. It can be in your DNA. It can pass down from generation to generation. A lot of people not understand it, but to forgive also is a way to heal and move on. Because the majority of people I speak to, they've got a lot of heart and pain. And I always say that you forgive that person because if you don't, they've got to fuck that. That's not what they're holding on to that anxiety. I don't say it's strange. My friends of years that have kind of, they know what I've been through and stuff. I think it's very natural for a friend. I can only speak for my group of friends, but I feel more hurt when someone hurts my friend more than what they feel. And they feel that for me. So when I say anything about my dad, which is very, very rare. I don't even really call him dad. I call him by his first name. That's when I talk about him, which is probably like every few years. They speak really angrily about him. Whereas I don't feel that. Like he jogged past me last year on the reservoir. I was walking the dog and he jogged past me. I've not seen him for five or six years. And when I went to my grandma's funeral a few years ago, he was there and his new wife came over to me and was like, your dad really misses you. And I said, with all due respect, like you have no idea who I am and you've no idea like what's happened. Like just leave it at that. And she was like, but he wants to talk to you. I said, well, you know, it's the big boy can come and fucking talk to me. Like just leave it. But I don't want him to talk to me. Like I don't feel any anger there, but I don't want any relationship there whatsoever. I've always just seen it as, I don't even regard myself as ever having parents because for me, like being a parent, like I'd like to think my son looks at me and thinks if he's upset, if he was scared, if he needed something, anything, his first protocol would be to go to me. I never ever felt like that about my parents. So I've never really, I've always thought of myself as a one-man band. I've never, and that was from being like a teenager. Like I was paying bills and going shopping and stuff while I was still in my uniform because I had my own place that gave me a council house while I was still at school. So I've never really seen myself as having parents. See if you reached out to your dad, do you think you would speak to him or would you just try and cut it all straight away? There's just nothing there. It's not even a... I don't mean this in a nasty way to all due, but like it's not even a question worth asking. I wouldn't... It doesn't bother me not speaking to him whatsoever. I don't think you're put on the earth, like yeah, they put you on the earth and whatever. But it's not the be all and end all if you don't have to. I am not one of these people who is like, life's too short, shall you make amends? I'm more like, life's too short, fuck off. If people are stealing your energy, if people aren't making you feel weaker, down, then cut them off no matter if it's your mum, your dad, your best friends, because life is too short and you must live it to your best possibilities and a lot of people will always go back, which is difficult. No, I think it's the worst thing you can do. Like for me, my son could never do any wrong. I'm so proud of him, like for everything that he's done, even if he wasn't academically bright. Like he's my child, he's everything. And now as an adult, I kind of look at how my parents were and I think, how the fuck did you mess up so bad? Like why were you such, you know, crap people around kids and why did you not set this example and why did you not, I don't know why, just, I think it's so important to let a kid know that they're protected and that they have someone there that you know for them to turn to. And that's why I just think, what's the point in, what would be the point in ever talking to them ever again? Well, I talked to my mum. My mum was on the receiving end of a shit marriage. She wasn't an angel, it wasn't like all my dad's fault. But they made the absolute stupid mistake of, oh we're Catholics so we can't divorce. They needed the priest didn't approve of them getting divorced, which just fucks me right off. I can't stand anything to do with religion. It pisses me off how people can, how corrupt that is, that they basically said this is how I see it. So a priest doesn't approve of our divorce so we're going to put our fucking kids through hell until they leave home or until one of them runs away. I can't really go into detail about that, obviously my brothers and stuff, but we've all been messed up in our own way and that's due to our parents. I'm probably the one that's come out better because I feel like I'm a lot more confident and I've bounced back from it whereas my brothers haven't done that. They've really suffered socially. A doctor? Yeah. Which is difficult and I think a lot of people grow up in broken homes. They tend to go down the drug route because it numbs the pain. Sorry, I've just worded that wrong. I didn't hear that. No, no. I'm just in general. People broke homes and obviously when you came out all that, what ease did you feel pregnant? I actually got pregnant in the vicar's house. Wasn't the vicar was it? Don't say that. No, he was lovely. No, I was 16 when I got pregnant. But I feel like everything happens for a reason. I'm a firm believer in that. I genuinely believe that had I not had my son, I don't know where. I don't even think I'd be a saty, you know? I genuinely don't. I think I was so messed up mentally. I was so angry at the world. I hated everyone and I don't know. I think I would have been seriously messed up. I could have been seriously fucked up had I not had my child. Obviously, things took a turn for the worst after I had him and stuff like a few years later. But I wasn't mentally messed up. When I was a child being a teenager at a really vulnerable age, that's when I was the most fucked. I was so damaged as a kid. I wasn't a kid. I didn't feel like a child. Do you think that's why you still act like a child then to bring back your memories? It is. It actually is. That's why I'm so immature because when I was at school I was such a pain in the ass. But it's because when I was at home when I was a kid so when I went to school I just dicked around because I wasn't clever so there was no point in learning I couldn't learn. I couldn't concentrate to save my life. But think that concentration as well becomes to all the anger and frustration and the fighting in a house that you couldn't concentrate on there because you're sitting so tense so the time you came to school you had to zone out because you were so fucking broken with trauma. I can't put it all down to that because I'm now I'd say I'm a lot more content now and I still can't sit in a classroom I would really love to go to uni but I couldn't sit in a classroom because I automatically want to disturb people I love distracting people I still love being the class cloud I like making people laugh I just like being an idiot I enjoy doing it. But the reason being we spoke about the ayahuasca stuff the first night I drank ayahuasca for anybody doesn't know ayahuasca it's a plant medicine you drink it they say it reconnects you with your soul when you face all your fears and demons the first night they tell you when you drink the ayahuasca ask the cup who you've become and I couldn't stop laughing I got took outside because I couldn't stop laughing but that was one of the first reasons because I was a class clown but for me it was always trying to make people laugh all I was doing was deflect in the way that was hurting and in pain so for me that was a mask always trying to annoy people up because I'm thinking I'm too stupid to do anything so the mask came on and I made everyone laugh but that is a sense of yeah you're hiding from some sort of pain I don't think I'm hiding because I'm totally in the know with what's going on in my head like when I'm at home oh god like my anxiety levels when I'm at home which people never ever see like if my son's not in or you know and I'm in the house on my own I don't mind my own company but after a bit when all my friends are really busy doing family stuff and obviously I don't have that lifestyle oh my god like really really like hits me and I do hit low points like really really low points where I really start to panic and I have to get out of the house because I do get frightened sometimes if some of the shit that goes through my head because I sometimes feel like I'm literally just on my own and that's it and when you go through your phone book I've only got like a few really really good mates and I'll ring them and if they're busy and stuff it kind of like dawns on me I'm like this is my life my life is now looking after my mum and I just work and that's it not that there's anything wrong in that a lot of people live like that but sometimes if you can't grip it spirals out of control and quite often it happens more as I'm getting older which isn't great and something that I need to address and sort out but going back to what you were saying about like the pissing around and you know being the class going and stuff like that massively I totally agree that that behaviour is because of what's really really deep like going on deep down is definitely is but I don't know it's just something that I have to work on myself and I am working on that myself I will be working on myself till the day we die it's constant improvement but as long as you can identify what's going on you can work on it because a lot of people are in denial a lot of people don't want to admit they've got problems or insecurities are fair every single person on this planet has but for me it's the strongest people to go with it's weird actually say all that what I've just said to you I wouldn't actually sit down and say it to any of my friends but I'm sat here saying this but when you actually speak to someone out the circle like I was telling one of my clients the other day she's going through loads of shit that I've been through like with a boyfriend and stuff like that and she really opened up to me and a mum said to me like you know she's not like she won't say any of this to me I said because you love her and like it's difficult to open up and I'm sure you'll agree as you get older and your friends are busy and stuff like when I'm feeling really shitty about life and I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom again or I feel so lonely I don't want to go and say that to my friends they're busy they've got shit going on like my best friends pregnant and one of my other friends is always busy my other friend has got a toddler and stuff like that so you kind of just start to think just deal with it yourself and I think that is a good thing and thank God I do have the ability to deal with it myself but some people don't have that ability and that's what's worrying You need to be careful though feeling as if you're like a burden falling in your friends with problems and issues but you've probably done it your whole life you've probably suppressed your feelings I just go outside as soon as I feel like that like my house is a prison I leave like I just go I'll go and take the dog out and I'll go and sit somewhere or I'll go on to a life coaching thing I follow a couple of life coaches and if I just hear something from a stranger like it's weird what it can do to it it can just snap you back quite quick and I am blessed in that way that I can quickly snap out of something as much as I can really start to feel very very shitty about things I can quickly like flip back but that's the past thinking about the past, maybe thinking about all your shit so that living in the past will bring fear and anxiety so if anybody's in a struggle now read a book called The Power of Now I don't think I live in the past I think because of what's gone in the past it's kind of it's still continuing and it's affecting what's happening now like my issue with men like obviously I'm 32 36 36 for some so obviously at this age I should be dating and I should be doing things like that I should go out for drinks with guys and whatever but I can't do it I just find it impossible to do because I just think oh so I'll go for a drink with you and then what happens then they're going to find out who I am or some guys don't know who I am a lot of guys don't know who I am and then they find out and whatever so I just think what's the fucking point that's already placed planted those seeds in your mind so that's shit you need to work on because but then I'm scared of being like this age like in my head I'm just like do you know what I'll have a relationship when I'm a lot older because at the moment I can't I can't deal with the fact that I might get with somebody and you know all people arguing relationships and stuff and some twat turning round in the relationship and saying like I will use to do this and the other because I would literally just be like fuck off as soon as I hear them words like I've been on dates and stuff not very many but like I went on one and like he got pissed we're having a really good time he brought up my past and he told me he was okay with it I was like I didn't ask if you were alright with it what the fuck has he got to do with you I'm not asking anything about his past none of my business and I just thought so you basically sat at your taking me at like you're not taking me at first value if I can't meet someone who can't take me at first value I'd rather die very very like alone because I can't deal with that stop being so fucking grim no I don't mean in a green way but I couldn't have someone toss that in my face but you know yourself if someone meets you they're going to need to take on all your shit you don't you know people arguing I'm sure you throw a lot of shit in people's face I would never throw off it's difficult so you're going to need to accept your past because you still don't accept it for other people to accept in a way I think it's wrong I don't have a problem with my past I don't have a problem with what I used to do or anything what I do have an issue with is that people because I'm known in the public eye and whatever it's like it's like you almost become public property for them you know they think that they have a right to you know I don't know yeah I'm okay with you and it's like that's not really that's bollers yeah you're not fucking riddled with mad diseases fucking hell I'm not a paedophile do you think though because people look at you obviously your past career do you think people try to feel as if you're an easy lady trying to shag you quicker massively really really shocked when like I'm actually really awkward around guys if I meet if I meet a really confident guy I'm okay because they kind of take oh thank you oh fuck's sake they kind of take first rain like kind of they take the rains on the whole situation and then it flows but I would never I don't know I am quite like my friends really take the piss out of how I am around guys like I'm really awkward so yeah it's a tough that is a tough one and they do think obviously that I'm an easy shag on whatever so I automatically as much as I'd like to go out and have a one night stand sometimes because you know it is normal for someone my age to go out and have sex but I don't really do that anymore but I can't do it because I think they're doing they think I'm doing this because I used to do that for a living so that's in my head so unless I meet like a really really chill guy which isn't very often I can't really go out and do that which I don't think there's anything wrong in going out you have my number she has my number Stephen didn't she starting to give me all her power many booty cars so have you ever had therapy many times I went for like six sessions it actually really did work so I was really really addicted to the zopiclon I was an insomniac I didn't sleep at all because I was with this twat and he just basically took over my life and I went seeing this lady and first two sessions fucking like 75 pounder session I just cried I didn't even speak I sat there on a coach and I did not say a word I just was a blubbering mess and that happened twice and then the third time I went back she did a few exercises with me and hand on heart I've never liked touch no I've had sleeping pills and whatever when I've come back from a bifer and stuff like that can't sleep but I was addicted I used to panic when I saw zopiclon running out I'd be like oh my god get me to the doctors and like trying to find sleeping pills from anywhere and I got off sleeping pills she completely like taught me how to deal with it and I started sleeping again and then we started doing loads of mental exercises that did really really work and one thing that she did tell me to do was she told me to write down five things that I wanted to accomplish it could be anything at all don't tell anyone what they are and I wrote five things down and like she told me to kiss it and stuff which when I was doing it I was like fucking feel like such a freak doing this but I put it behind my bed and literally all five things came true within 18 months but I got certain things like physical things but it's what it did to my head was what I was more thankful for I started to find this ability to not be angry at him anymore I wasn't I started to actually feel sorry for him more than anything and I couldn't get that ability to say before then it was constant just feeling trapped and like there was no way out and I started kind of having a complete different outlook on what had happened so yeah I thought therapy did work to a certain degree but again that's for anybody watching, goal setting writing if you write it down it becomes clearer in your mind so no matter what your dreams are and ambitions anybody can achieve it and you can also rewire your brain into changing the way you think there's a thing called havening now I do a thing where they change the trauma for a positive thing touch points in your shoulder and stuff and it rewires it and reconnects the brain into a positive way of thinking I don't care who you are anybody can change the way you're thinking and it's difficult because we all think about the past we all think okay if you're getting told you're a fuck up you're not clever enough it's going to stick in your mind all the time and it's 10, 20 years, 30 years of trauma ain't going to change overnight, five years it's a long steady process and just because you're not academically clever to sit at a desk who the fuck says you should be sitting at a desk anyway no no no no no one tells me I should be sitting at a desk it's just just in general it's just something I'd like to do but I've done the other things that I've done like I've written a book never thought in a million years I'd write a book and the reviews that I've got from that were it's only on Kindle at the minute and for me to read the reviews that people have put is just absolutely mind blowing like I say it on my Instagram stories and stuff but I don't think I can kind of I'm a bit shit at kind of expressing emotion I suppose but I literally sit there and I read everything that people are saying I'm like it's just so nice to see these people are strangers yeah it doesn't matter what people think about me but for someone to take time out of the day you know or two days even whatever it's took for them to read the book for them to sit there and read what I have to say and then take time to put into the wrong words how they've found the book and they also nail how I wanted it to sound like they say it's a rollercoaster read they laughed, they pissed themselves laughing like or they cried it was a rollercoaster blah blah blah that's like a massive accomplishment because when I set out to do the book two other people had written it and it didn't sound oh and I just I didn't like it at all like they did a good job but it wasn't I'm a hard person to write about I suppose and I swear a lot and I'm rude and I'm crude and I wanted all that in there and they kind of took that out so when I kind of like when I did it myself I thought I can read these reviews and I can think a lot of them are all said I can hear Helen in this book I get it's like she's reading it to me and I'm like I've absolutely nailed that and that's the best feeling ever when it's coming from it's weird because the strangers and I feel more asked about what they're saying because obviously my friends are going to praise me anyway my friends have to praise me they've no choice but strangers don't have to praise you so for someone who doesn't know you from Adam to say that's a brilliant book you've done a really good job they tell you all the emotions that they felt and they're the emotions you wanted them to feel that's like of course I'll give myself a massive pat on the back yeah you've got to give yourself enough credit I don't think people when they do have great achievements you probably never thought you'd have wrote a book 20 years ago do you know what I mean you have so you've got to give yourself credit were you nervous you're very well you're very outspoken were you nervous releasing the book I was there's stuff in the book that I think a lot of people can relate to and when they read it they'll be like I've been through this and it's really I found it difficult to talk about and that's why I had to put it into my own words because actually sitting talking to a ghost writer about it just wasn't doing me any favours so actually writing it did more for me it was fairly before yourself a wee bit of fairly before yourself it's stuff that I only told my best friend a few years ago because it's stuff that I didn't ever want to think about ever again it's stuff that kids shouldn't go through and for me to write that and put that put pen to paper I now know and it's weird because I never addressed this until I did the book that because of certain things that that I've happened that's the reason why I behave a certain way and why I've done certain things it's called a man's world for a reason from a young age it's funny like I did an interview the other week and people automatically go for the prostitute thing they're like you're a prostitute you're not scared and you're not this and you're not that when you have completely succumbed to the idea of every man that you've ever met or family members that are male are abusive towards you whether that be physically or mentally you know when you start to be a prostitute and one man's nasty to you out of a bunch that are actually really nice he doesn't matter it goes over your head so when someone was horrible to me when I was doing that job I just kind of was like he's one out of just a few that are actually really nice to me and you know the fact that the only nice men that I have actually ever met they really shocked when I say this and I think a lot of people are quite disgusted but I found a lot of comfort in what I was doing because they were the first men that had ever been nice to me yeah they were leaving money at the side of the bed but a lot of them were really nice to me whereas the men that were meant to actually make me feel protected and I suppose in a way protect me from a lot of people think that people that use prostitutes are like predators or something a lot of them are just really normal guys but the guys that were meant to protect me I mean my dad and my boyfriends like my son's dad and my ex-boyfriend that I was with for years they are just three men that have caused me the most damage do you think that's where the abandonment issues kick in where you're being a prostitute people are giving you money but they're giving you that attention and you're making you feel good you might feel worthless after that I didn't feel worthless after that did you block that out some days I'd come home and I really couldn't deal with what I was doing but then I just like I thought fuck it what is did you start about 22 and what was the first experience like for you the first experience I didn't that wasn't great he was an Italian guy and I felt like shit I felt like shit after it but then I did another job I went on an alcohol and that's what it was like it was just you don't have time to think really I became a robot I wasn't Helen I was never ever Helen in the job but probably like a couple of times like if I had a drink which was very very rare if I had a wine or something and then I'd go and see a client I really relaxed and I kind of became Helen but I was such a I don't know you become like a robot everything was robotic from the minute of going into the room with somebody and the minute you leave you just switch off I just literally had the ability to be a completely different person I was so false like I'd put on a different a different voice I'd have a different voice I'd lie about my home life I'd lie about where I came from I'd lie about what car I drove like everything kind of I'd just taught to shit I wasn't Helen I was the person I was called on the website What was your name on the website? I'd never tell anyone I'm going to find that name I'm going to put it everywhere Steph I think it was like Chris Stahler Moe So what made you do it then obviously because you had the kid six then So what made you go to that side? You had a stripper or anything before that? I'd been a stripper I was absolutely shit I was the worst stripper ever Who's your name? I don't even remember what my name was I think it was like Nicole or something No I never had anything really tacky even though like it was so tacky but no I was a stripper I was really really shit and um you know it's such a I take my heart off the strippers that is such a hard job like you really really have to graft for the money and I just didn't have it in me I'd end up sitting trying shit to one guy and I didn't like how they were I didn't I felt so much more degraded stripping dancing in front of other people naked, ffaniad tits out and everything else in front of everyone else to see more that's when I started to think you know because that's when guys at the offer of your money they'd say do you want to come back to my hotel and stuff and I was always like no and then as time went on I just thought this is bullshit like I'm madly you don't earn that much money and your prancing about your flaps out in front of everyone else So is it my king of the party? No it's just no I was crap I was a really crap stripper and then anyway I was working an office job so I worked in an office and I was doing lap dancing as well and I got made a dungeon they made cutbacks in the office which at the time you know I wasn't anything special but I was kind of working my way up I thought I'd became I was under this accountant's wing to trading me out to do different things and I really started to feel really good about what I was doing with my life and stuff I wasn't earning big books or anything like that but I felt like I'd found a bit of a purpose and I felt like without me this this like little dog's body in the room I didn't care that was a dog's body someone needed me and that was a good feeling and then I got I got the boom which at the time was just like my life crumbled I thought I took a lawn now I I owed rent my landlord at the time was an absolute creep constantly trying it on with me asking you know you don't have to pay rent if you do this, that and the other he knew I did lap dancing as well so yeah obviously if that kind of thing happened now I'd bounce back from it I'd say to my landlord you know having your rent or whatever I had a lawn repayment I'd say you're going to have to work because I need to find a job or whatever but I didn't I couldn't do that at the time I just couldn't see the wood for the trees at all and my friend at the time I brought down to her on the phone I told her like what predicament I was in and I did kind of like massively over exaggerate it but it felt like really a bad time a bad thing at the time losing my job as a single mum I wasn't getting any help and she suggested why don't you do escorting so I was like do you have to sleep with them and she was like not all of them but like most so she said why don't you just do it for a bit I'm not like as much as I cannot stand this person that I'm talking about I'm not saying she forced me in so she didn't force my hand or anything she literally like my ears pricked up I was like okay so I can make quick money I can get out a debt and whatever so I went for an interview like a couple of days later and the lady was just like yeah you can start whatever and I said I'd do it for a week until my debts were cleared and then naturally you see the money rolling in I could maintain a normal life I'd quit lap dancing and I could work during the day and still homes pick my son up from school and then I'd do like their job on a weekend or some weeks I wouldn't work at all and then it just spiralled really because the money became so kind of addictive it was it was I shouldn't say easy money but yeah much we making what was your first, much did you get paid like the first it was only like 200 quid like 200 quid must have been a fucking dear one no they were I know ones at 40 do you know what I mean speed dial Steven there's a number it wasn't a brothel it was there was an apartment with two bedrooms in it and one or two girls would work from there and then it was all mainly outcalls you'd just go in and I'd go and see someone and I'd just chat away keep talking and talking and talking I kind of got older guys really so from like 40 onwards I always got and I'd just talk and talk and talk and older guys tend to have a bit more of a story so they would want to talk back with you before you knew it and I was gone so there's your hour ticked off and then you could get another hour out of them or I'd just tell you'd have a driver that would take you around and whatever and I'd just you know I'd drive us some money and I'd just tell them to tell the agency I'd already gone home and then I'd just stay in all night with that person and you'd take all the money You tend to see though a lot of people who go into the strip industry what prostitution you tend to see they have got a lot of abandonment issues daddy issues and where they want that they kind of want that someone to give them attention I never knew that at the time but as I've got older I know I was searching for something I know for a fact I was definitely searching for something but as I got younger I was searching for some kind of male protection some kind of any man being nice to me was what I wanted so I went for it yeah I clung on to it whereas now I do the opposite like a man's nice to me and I'm like three texts in and I'm like fuck that because you know you're worth now you know you're worth, you know what you deserve no matter if you're a fucking prostitute no matter what you are in life everybody's got different circumstances to make them who they are at that certain moment that's the moment that probably saved your life as much as it can be difficult for people looking in nobody should judge in life we all fucking make mistakes nobody's perfect you've always been honest and open about your mistakes and no doubt listen you're going to make fucking plenty more mistakes obviously so what age did you stop I only did it for like two years I didn't do it for long but that two years in 2011 it came out with the Wayne Rooney stuff and that's what kind of gave you the celebrity status where everybody knew you I'd say celebrity one of Britain's most hated women stars really hated yeah I was really hated so who broke who broke the news about the Wayne Rooney stuff so it all happened we slept with him and I knew straight away getting in the lift after we'd slept with him I knew I knew my relationship with her was finished I could just the smirk on her face I could see the clogs turning in her head and I started to ask Lyca I started to tread on eggshells and I became everything that I'm not as a person I really did start to I had my tongue up her ass thinking I really need her to not go to the papers and a few months later the press came I'd gave her a wide berth I'd met my boyfriend who I didn't want him to find out what I'd been doing and I didn't want him to know that I'd slept with him anyway I ended up I did obviously tell him what I'd done for a job but cut along the story short the journalist came knocking and whatever I told them to fuck off and they listened first time and then they came back a year later and well a year after it had happened and they just weren't taking no for an answer and I was like how can they print something if they've not got proof that's what I had in my head and Jenny swore blind that I'm not going to say a name I'm not going to say a name but all along all these texts I was sending her she was showing the journalist so that was my admission I didn't think on my feet at the time well it wasn't that I didn't think on my feet at the time I didn't realise someone could be that fucking horrible I'm saying to her if that got out and everyone finds out that what I used to do I'll literally kill myself I can't have my son go through that like it'd finished me and she was like babe don't worry I wouldn't do that to you in all this and all along she was showing the journalist me begging her she turned her phone off she fucked off to my abeyer switched her phone off her messages through facebook just saying like her friend actually gave me the tip off that she would start with journalists and I was messaging her on facebook saying like I know you with them please tell me that they don't know anything about me and she was just like I can't talk Helen I can't talk that's all she kept putting back to me and it was just horrible like I just don't know how someone can do something like that but you know she has a reasons for being the cold horrible person that she is and I've learnt to deal with that but yeah so she was showing the journalists what I was saying so I was fucked basically because I then threw a mutual friend of mine and wins I was saying to him I'll go to court and I'll lie I'll say that we got to the room and you didn't want to do it you shouldn't have done it anyway because I've gone round telling everyone that we had this brilliant time in the bedroom and that he was buzzing no he wasn't buzzing at all and that shamed for me to even admit I don't know why he did it because he didn't seem to me like he enjoyed it like he chatted and whatever but he was uncomfortable he was uncomfortable with what he'd done I think he was anyway I think he already knew that he was balls deep in shit when that happened and obviously she painted this amazing picture that we'd had a threesome with a footballer and it wasn't anything like that anyway do you reel from what I was saying now what I was saying hard taxes so that's it I was liaising with one of Wayne's mates I was saying I'll tell Colleen and I'll tell the court that yeah we did go to the hotel but it didn't happen you know you shit it and we got there whatever I don't think anybody would have believed that anyway I know but it would have been my word again we could have always said at the time James I was desperate I was trying anything I was thinking I'll do anything to believe it or not I didn't want to hurt her and I didn't want to hurt him he's not doing anything to me but as soon as I went for meetings with his legal team and when I went there to blackmail them for money and they were like what do you want for all this you know I was like what and they went so you want to keep your name at the paper what are you going to gain from that I went you think I'm here for money I'm not I don't fucking want anything just stop my name from coming out and they asked me to sign this this piece of paper like this form with all bits and bobs on it and I ran it by a really good barrister that I know and he said because I said can I just take this form out and whatever so I rang my friend up and I told him and he went do not sign that piece of paper he said because they're going to go to court Helen and the judge is going to throw the book at Wayne because he's no doubt been fucking around with other people and if you throw the book at Wayne you can't make a single penny off it and your name will be everywhere and I was like but I don't want to sell it he went I know that to one side he said you're going to have to forget about that for a second because if the shit is the fan then you're going to have to do something you're going to have to basically make something from it so I started to panic then he said anyway he said don't sign the paper I've gone back in the room and said you're going to have to take my word for it I'm not going to the press I'm not going to talk to the press but I'm not signing that piece of paper until I know what happens in court with Wayne I've agreed to lie I've happily gone stand in court and you know lie as well that's fine anyway day after I think it was the day after the day after that and I got told off a journalist that he'd not been granted the injunction and that I would be in the paper the next day about 12 o'clock that night so so how was your head then I just I actually I don't know I can't even there was just no I don't know just panic straight panic so I said your thoughts like I fucking hate that I'm doing this it's okay like the fact that people think for a second that I ever wanted that how girls go out and plan to ruin someone's life and sleep with someone and think I'm going to sell this story I have no idea so I've got over the fact that everyone knew what I'd done for a job what I've never got over is the fact that people think I set out to hurt people I never did that so the fact that like I got told that I was going to thank you that I was going to be known as that it was just I couldn't stop thinking about my kid I just thought I've ruined his life obviously I haven't ruined his life like we've got the best relationship ever but taking it back to that point I'll never get over that feeling of knowing that I was going to be known as that and I couldn't even look I couldn't like obviously I just I ran away I went staying at my friend's house I locked myself in his spare room because the press were everywhere so I had to hide and I was told to stay away from my son because they chased me and stuff like that and they were outside his school like it was just fucking awful and I didn't see him I didn't see my son for over a week and do you know what I couldn't even I couldn't even look him in the eye even when I did see him he didn't have a clue he had no idea what I'd done but I just couldn't I couldn't get my head around how I had been so selfish because that's how it turned out I started to think what the fuck have I done like yeah no one knew about it I was living this secret life and then all of a sudden I became this really selfish person and I'm actually not a selfish person so to deal with that that feeling of thinking because of my actions I've wrecked my kids life I've hurt a woman that never deserved to be hurt and you know it wasn't about bringing shame on my family because I didn't give a shit about my family you know my best friend like she was pregnant and stuff and those who have a really really good best friend like what I had she was pregnant she went into labour with the news so she went into labour and then the day after it came out you know she had she had my godson and I didn't see him for like over a week which just some people people be like you know big fucking deal and whatever but she'll never know how much because she doesn't she's not programmed like me and she doesn't appreciate the things that I had at the time like a best friend like a son she has a child now so I'd like to think she wasn't such a cold hearted bitch but she probably still is but you know at the time when all that's going on you just I couldn't see a way out I couldn't see a way out and it took my friends to say you need to get out of bed and make some money and start feeling sorry for yourself it wasn't that I felt sorry for myself there's a big difference between feeling sorry for yourself and I didn't see the point in being alive anymore but it can be difficult for you people looking from the outside don't understand your upbringing first of all and then being this character I'm putting on that act doing that for two years you blocked it out but then it eventually came to the surface and then you probably looked at it and done what the fuck am I doing with my life it's probably made sense and as much as you can say married men are coming this and that it takes to always takes to you've got to also take responsibility for your actions the same as Wayne that's what I did when a lot of people try and defend me and obviously I'm grateful for people defending me but the worst thing that anyone could ever say is well you weren't the one that's married so it's not your fault and I go no don't say that I still did something wrong I can't say I didn't do I can't say that I wasn't part to blame because I was so when people do kind of jump to my defence and say that I very quickly say no I'll never say I didn't do something wrong because I did and you know after it I turned really really bitter and I was again very very angry at the world and stuff and yeah I did sell my side to the story but I sold it a week later after I basically spent a week in bed being sick and feeling like shit and feeling like there wasn't really any point in going on and everything did come to the surface I remember lying there thinking like you're just a massive massive fuck up and you've not only fucked up like your life it was more what I'd done to it it's more what I'd done to my son really because I'd been selfish that was the hard thing to grasp was thinking because of my actions my selfishness what I chose to do for a job I've now damaged other people and that's what I really found hard to bear everything has a replific so if you're doing bad stuff and you might not see it and I've got a lot of friends in the porn industry they will block it out you will become a character but you take the cameras away you take the prostitution away you're still doing an act of because if someone's married and they're coming to you on that side of the family obviously people need to look at it from your side you've got your kid, your upbringing but then you look, have you ever spoke to a Colleen or was there ever any messages or was it just no no I'd never speak to the press were vile when it all happened they were really pushing for us they'd find out where she was on nights out and they were offering thousands for us to go and Jenny went to Liverpool she was out somewhere in Liverpool and like the press were like we found out where she is would you go in there and I was like what the fuck is wrong with you people like why would I do that to someone and you know she did go there, she went on a night out and loads of her friends fucking chased her down the street like throwing the shoes at her and stuff like that and I just can't get my head around like why you'd actually want to add salt to the wombs so people obviously say it will still say now so why are you still talking about it if you don't want her to I don't talk about that my books about everything and that's why I've done the books so when people say but you're dragging it up well two things I don't ever drag it up people drag it up to me this was ten years ago and it's very rare that I go 24 hours on social media without seeing a comment about what I used to do or a comment about that family so it's alright for the public to bring it up but I'm not alright to bring closure on it I don't defend it there's nothing to defend but I'm not allowed to bring closure to it by writing a book and by proving that that thing, that tiny tiny snippet of my life is insignificant where anyone who reads the books someone wrote a belting review last week they said this book is not about Wayne Rooney in fact it's anything but about Wayne Rooney it's about everything else and it's really opened my eyes to what life's really like for some people and I thought that's exactly like what I want people to see it's only very small minded people that are like oh if you don't write a book on Wayne Rooney and I'm like well actually no because I don't want people to fucking fall asleep it's nothing really for me to write about I've written a book because I've had this stigma now for 10 years and I'll probably have it for another 10 about something that I used to do and something you know who I did it with and I'm hoping that the book and more people that read it will actually never look at me in that light again Do you regret that night with Wayne Rooney? Yeah I'd say I regret doing that with him but have I Has there been a silver lining after it? Yeah Like lots of good things have happened since that It's changed your life but again in 2011 you're also attacked Was that because of everything that came out in the past? Yeah that came that happened because of what had happened That's what I mean it wasn't a safe place to go out anymore I wasn't safe to go out anywhere became a hermit I couldn't leave the house because of it because as much as I'm a confident person at the time because obviously I felt guilty of what had happened and I'm not this cold horrible person that walks around thinking that I'm constantly in the right and I've done nothing wrong I was the total opposite I just found it easier to stay in and avoid places because people just hated me for what I'd done and especially women I was some of the earth to married women especially If you broke up a married family home you can understand what I'm coming for but to act violent to watch is not right I think five girls on one accompanied by one of the dads is a bit much really I can understand a girl walking over and giving me a smack but five girls to do that to one person and then the dad record it you know I don't think anyone deserves that Definitely not How did it make contact with you? Was it an agency or was it you personally direct? How did it contact with you? It was from a night out It was only one time So how did that moving forward for your life then? When did you realise that it wasn't for you to be a prostitute and escort whatever name you want to give it? I met someone and I started to feel really bad like I am I don't know why I felt bad though because he was up to God knows what well I know what he was up to he was seeing his ex at the time and I was doing that and it kind of just worked I thought he's lying I'm lying fine I don't know if I'm going to get with him properly but then when I really really to like him I just thought I can't do this is this shit so I just told him what I did and then I just quit I stopped what I was doing I just said I'll go and get a normal job but that's see again that's one of the worst things I ever did I stopped I went and got another job and I was so skin because he never paid for anything and because I told him what I used to do he kind of started to look down on me and he changed towards me a bit and all of a sudden everything that I earned was going into running a house and I didn't have a life anymore I never had any spare money and he got a kick out of me saying can I have some money for this which makes my fucking toes crunch now saying it like I hate that I was ever I ever needed him I ever needed to ask him for money but he didn't pay his way so he had an abusive relationship I've only ever had one proper boyfriend my son's dad how long was that? 4 years I can't sit here and say that it was all him because I'm fully aware of what I'm like as a person I'm a wind-up merchant and I knew how to push his buttons but it was toxic on both parts like he took the piss with money staying out not coming home and stuff like that so I do things back it was just tipped at but it was the mind games with him and the it was just very nasty in what he'd say he was very critical of appearance and he but then he soon changed his tune when he went to jail all of a sudden I was the person that he needed getting used I was basically someone to you know I was his base I was there for postal orders and someone to go and visit and you know that's it it feels as if you've been abused and abused your whole life Helen but it's good to see you eventually taking your reins because no matter what you've been through you've got your shit together in 2014 and you absolutely fucking smashed it and it shows you that even though in your mind sometimes that people might be judging you it clearly shows that you're liked as well you're very well outspoken like I've said earlier but you won the show how did that experience come for you I absolutely loved going on it it was brilliant and when I came off the response from people it was weird really like without going back too far because when you're used to people not being very nice to you you don't know how to deal with people being really nice to you so like when I was a kid I didn't like parties or anything I didn't like everyone being nice to me I'd like crying you know react really oddly to it and I still do it at this age like I couldn't deal with how nice the public would be and I found it very very uncomfortable I'd rather someone want to pick a fight with me than someone actually want to sit and be that's because you've been feint in your whole life yeah so when people were actually dead nice to me and like I came out and I met like some of the housemates families and stuff and they were literally like so nice and so loving and stuff like that and the nice things that was said big brother did a massive thing for me in respect of it taught me how to start blocking out like really shit comments and I started to really like pick up on the nice stuff and really run away with the nice stuff so although I didn't respond to a lot of the nice comments because I felt like a dick when you know when someone is really nice to you on twitter and they send something really sweet and whatever I'd just like like it but if someone called me a slag or whatever I'd be like because you're used to that defence mechanism but if someone was like dead nice I'd just be like yeah I'll just favourite that comment actually like say anything dead nice back but deep down I was like that's so nice you know someone to say but it did me massive favours in that respect that I started to really notice the good and I really started to pay attention to really nice people and block out really shitty people who didn't have any interest in liking me well big brother it gave you the opportunity to show your character and show that you're not a fucking wrong and this and that and what the press can make out in black and white people read sticks so it's good for you to get the opportunity and then when people start liking you and you want to show then it gives you the confidence that you're not a bad person getting told for 20 odd years that you're a waste or you can't do this and that and then you just prove everyone wrong and it goes to show that no matter what you fucking do in life you can also make good of it you can also progress from it one big brother wrote your book life's fucking good life's fucking good I've nailed it don't use that word so after big brother how was life then fine I didn't do the typical strike while the iron was hot I was advised to be in London and go around with people that were on reality tv and mingle as much as a coach basically go to the opening of a fucking envelope do it all and I didn't I came back and that was it I just I turned my back on it all I didn't have anything to do with anything were you scared of what? getting in the ring light oh maybe a negative no I just met a lot of wankers yeah it wasn't for me I did a couple of events and I just I started to think Helen you need to take responsibility for the positions you put yourself in and I'm not someone that can be in a room with people that I don't like and not say anything so it just kind of made sense for me to not go I went to one an event which was quite amusing really I thought I did really well with my online columns like I think I was one of the most successful ones that they had at the Daily Star so lots and lots of people read it but I also wrote about a lot of people and and I went to this one event and everyone that was in the room I'd based it to all of them and I asked all of them in my columns and I was like drinks are free I'm going to drink them all so I drank about 25 porn star martinias I was fucked and I was just sat in the corner on my own and I just thought this literally just sums up why I don't really fit in in this world because I did sit I was like oh there was one Chloe Lewis off she sports me she was lovely actually the most beautiful girl in the room with the most nicest personality as well so down to earth but everybody else I just thought I did sit there watching them and I thought to you know understand why people come to these things but I can't really get my head around it and I just ended up pissed it's fake as fuck so as it's all an illusion people might look at the outside and think and do you know what people don't realise is like I'm not going to name this because that's not fair but I know a lot of people in the limelight who are absolutely you know sniff coke every day they're really depressed they're not very happy people they're really stuck up their own ass because they've now got a blue tick but then you see them on Instagram and I'm like you fake fuck you're not that person I've been in the room with agents where you know these people are ringing them up demanding pay for this room do this do that I need this I'm not going there and I'm like I'm going to be an agent I'd be like go and fuck yourself but then obviously I see the people on Instagram and I'm like that's some talent there to put that show on when that's not you split personality so it is and yeah I see a lot through the bullshit as we're in again that's the society we're in we live in a social media world where we can fake our life but when you see these people and you see the cracks and go oh wait a minute that's you know what I mean we'll touch on it but sorry if I've come back to it but the girl Janey Thompson was the girl who exposed that but yeah she's in the papers yesterday saying you're calling her Harry Nipples and this and that but how she saying you're bringing it to the surface when it was her that started that exactly she doesn't like the fact that all of a sudden 10 years on I decided to tell it's not about this and the book's not about that but she's saying I'm dragging it up to bring cells to rub together I would advise us to read the book I'm not even sure if she can read those to be honest but how can we get the book first of all oh shit why haven't I brought a copy you dirty bastard I've not brought a copy what a bell end I've got loads in my fridge how can people buy the book first of all so it's available on Kindle for now but it's also going to be on the shelves and Amazon are driving me mad I can't give a date out because it should be this week but it will be out this week very good but yeah she's saying I'm bringing it up and whatever she did the whole every time I do something I went on big brother and she went on big brother and said I used to bully her and it's like why did you hang around with a bully are you sure I bullied you or was I the person that you know I was the shoulder that you cried on because you knew your life was just as much of a mess as mine but I could deal with it slightly better we were both very similar people in that way I was very fucked up but yeah she tried everything she went on I don't even really want to talk about it because that's what she loves but yeah every time I've done something she's gone on TV and Helen's not a nice person she said that I was a bully well if I was that much of a bully why did you go to the newspapers knowing why would you sell information on a bully if I was that much of a bully was there a lot of jealousy when big brother do you know what the most stick I got from anywhere was my home town so people often say like why do you hate bulletins so much why do you live there if you don't like do you know what bulletin isn't that much of a bad place but it's a very small place with a lot of small minded people in it so when I go to a city or I go abroad I don't face the nobeds now if I go out in bulletin and I go to a restaurant in bulletin or the pubs where all the clicks go then I can guarantee something was that there would be some kind of kick off because people just have chosen to get over things that I've done so I just divide them places it's just easier but there's no give you criticism if they are doing well with their own life they're always beneath you people who criticise and point fingers and judge you'll see even on twitter people who've got profile pictures of football players a cartoon characters just talking shit for me that's the worst kind of people so yeah it's always the same people I always get trolled by like there's a woman who you know she I've ended up blocking her now because I was so bored of seeing her shit but every time I go abroad she'd like right under my pictures why are you not at home with your son and I just wind people up I'm like oh he's fucking fine on his own I've left him with some fingers pancakes and he's got a fibre on the side I'm like you fucking prick you're so bored and you're like oh I'm at home with them I'm at home with my kids I'm like fucking clean some shitty asses and get off my case I don't care this is the thing and I've said things to this woman and then people said you shouldn't say things like this because of mental health and I'm like fuck yourself if someone wants to come for me like that I don't care I care about mental health but don't sit there for a second I'll always stick by this if you go for someone if you pursue someone and you are going to be a dick and you're going to say things that are going to rattle someone's cage don't act the victim when that person comes back and rattles yours a lot more you're not a victim you've not got mental health issues you're not depressed don't come that crap because someone's responding to your shit people are using words now racist, fascist, fucking mental health just down again but be careful and don't give your energy away too much because where your focus goes your energy flows and you've got that defence mechanism where you're constantly defending that's one thing I've got used to I don't do it off I like to I like to kind of use witty responses now because it just winds people and Australia sent me 5 messages last week on Instagram so I read them all and I was just like what a weird person and I just thought do you want a signed copy of my book and she was like you're a fucking dog do you know that you're going to get everything you deserve I was like you're in Australia like what are you doing there's so much to do in Australia I would imagine probably a lot more than bulletin and here's me not giving a shit what anyone else is doing but she's in Australia on my Instagram doesn't follow me she's sat there reading articles about me jealousy wow just get alive they're the biggest fucking cowards in the world these are the ones who are doing nothing with their life they're absolute westerns if you're doing so well with your life you don't need to judge others I don't judge anybody like I met someone recently actually and he sent me a message I met him in a really weird situation anyway something happened with the police and he sent me a message the other day saying I don't know whether you'd want to hear from me still but I've got a bit of a colourful past blah blah blah and I just said don't justify yourself to me as long as you're not a pedophile or a murderer I'm not asked I'm not bothered like don't justify I would never ever go off the whole what someone's done as a past you can't nobody can do you know what I mean everybody's got a past nobody can but me more than ever I'm fully aware of that I'd never deny that of course and the last person that could ever look at someone and think I wouldn't put yourself down too fucking much you've done that for a couple of years Foxy I'm not putting myself down but I think because I am known because of it the difference between me and other people is everyone knows what I've done whereas everyone fucks up and no one really knows about it a lot of people can just brush things under the carpet what was the actor who did you sign what was that called what was that agreement what was the agreement super injunction I didn't even read it what is that a gagging order why the fuck would they call it a gagging order don't know cos that sounds quite good so was that true then about an actor that's true but I didn't read it because what happened was I was under Max Clifford at the time and I sang like a canary when I went to him and I told him like how shit everything had been with the Wayne Rooney thing and he said you do understand that you now talking about Wayne Rooney if you've had any other clients they're going to be quite scared that you're going to sell information and I was like well I'm not going to I'm not going to do that blah blah blah and ah god like a knob I fell right into his trap he was like if you is there anyone that's like quite a high profile so I told him and this is how he used to make his money he's gone back to that person who is a lot more well known and bigger than me has a lot more money than me massive legal team behind him he's gone and acted like basically like he was doing them a favor and he was like Helen's planning until it's selling a story so they just slapped an injunction on me like that was there a lot of celebrities a lot of high profile names used to come to it it was mainly sports football players yeah it was mainly footballers so what's the script then for going forward now 2019 what's the plans for Helen Woods it's a great second name by the way for your older isn't it? I think there's lots of things I want to do I've got lots of ideas but I'm one of those that I'd rather just keep it to myself in case I'd really like to do something in fashion why don't you? well I already am, I've already got the ball rolling in that world but things are a bit difficult at the minute because I care for my mum and that's put the things on the back burner at the minute so I think things are going to be changing with her needs in the next 12 months so what's up with your mum just now? she's got Alzheimer's so she's with me like four nights a week so things have just slowed down a bit because we haven't got very long left with her until she goes into a home so I'm just taking it out for now, I've got the time to take out I've slowed down with work I don't travel as much with work anymore so that I can do this which priorities? so for the next few months that's going to be the main thing but I've got to crack on and do other things because money doesn't just grow on trees so I've got to still work and do other things as well but now that you've got the book out I don't make a fuck all from that I've got 5,000 copies I've got to sell before I make a penny that's so fucking silly so you've got the book what about trying to make it maybe a documentary film there's other things now piddling I'd love to do something like that I'd love to I don't know I'd really like to kind of give something back because I have bounced back from it as much as I've sat here and sounded like the most depressed individual ever I'm actually really not and I'd like to use coming out of the other side a very shitty situation and helping people that need help and naturally want to help people now whereas I never used to want to be like that and I find a lot of when I talk to people who message me on Instagram a lot of people email me I find a lot of enjoyment and fulfilment like speaking back to these people and thinking this maybe I didn't have this years ago because I never reached out and spoke to anyone because I didn't think there was anything wrong with me so when people actually do come and speak to me about things and take the time out to trust me with what they're saying you know, I kind of find that a blessing really and I want to do something with that in the long run because you became a much stronger person through all your pain and you've utilised it to your advantage so again listen people might say things about you being a prostitute but I know plenty of girls out there are sucking dick to get their fake Rolex and attracted by this is what I say all the time when people say things like I don't have an issue whatsoever with women going out being prostitutes and whatever obviously and actually I wouldn't have a problem but what I do have a problem with is I don't have problems with women that just want to go out and actually I do I think it's really really shit that a lot of women I know a lot of women that are in relationships because they wouldn't dare leave because their lifestyle had changed so you're a glorified brass you get in bed with a guy you shag a guy who you don't really love but you paint this pretty picture that you love you slag him off non-stop to your friends but you like the watch you like the red souls and you like the fucking car you're driving and without him you haven't got it so you're funding a lifestyle so that's the form of prostitution as well the only thing is some people admit it and don't have a problem with it like I don't have a problem with it I don't have a problem with it still but you always find there the judgy ones are the ones that kind of are in very denial they're in denial of the fact that they're living something quite similar when was the last time anyone ever offered you money for sex happens quite a lot pastas sex but for like get a lot of money pigs asking you if you can do stuff a weird shit like for socks and nickers which you've been doing during the night steven oh you've got a face for socks and pants for like socks nickers for abuse they might have meant that love being verbally abused it would be a dominatrix I have no dominatrix and she fucking loves it I know it's someone yeah just dominant fucking because it's not actually sex she's just ripping the shit out of a guy so before we finish up we'll touch on the book again so writing the book did it bring back a lot of emotions for you yeah I didn't like even though I've just cried in this I didn't cry right in the book though it did and it played like a lot of it played on my mind but I'm really glad that I've done it because it's not good to harbour stuff it's better to get things out and that's what I've done yeah it's a good book it's called a man's world but it's actually really suitable for men to read because of the stories that are in it some of it's funny like it's not doom and gloom there's a lot of stuff in there that is really funny and I've not left any single stone unturned like everything's in there to the point where I was like typing it and then going delete and then typing again and I was like fuck it get it all in there I've got to get it all in yeah what the fuck are you thinking from it do you know what I mean you can't have a biographer and it not be a biographer exactly you've got a lesson there's going to be people give it the shit she says that but fuck it man do you know what I mean so would you ever do a follow up? a biographer nothing else to write about I don't think I do, I want to write I want to write an erotic book aye? yep I'd love to do something like 50 Shades of Grey but mine would be better mm that was amateur so your call them as well what was your call them about? everything it was really good so I only got a six week contract and then they kept me on for like three years so that was booming and it did really really well but it was about everything I think because I am very honest and I don't have a problem with writing about things to do with myself that's one of the reasons why it had to come to a head though because I'd signed the contract to do a book and I thought fucking hell it's not going to be anything left me to write in the book I need to like slow down and like papers were losing money and stuff and so yeah papers are fucked now but it was really good that did me a lot of favours as well the call them don't get me wrong I had a lot of people going absolutely mental on a weekly basis but again I just ran away with all the good stuff like people loving the call them and saying when I finished people that were like really really gutted that I'd finished have a get back into it? doing a call them I'd love to I'd like to do a blog or something I think I'd like to do a vlog more than anything so why don't you do a podcast then set a podcast up to yourself I'd like to do, I know it's getting people on though I've got plenty of contacts I'll get you a few of mine get you started you think that you're playing with a lot of people but a lot of people listen to your story it's something you should maybe dip your toe into because there's not many female podcasters out there that shows their shit so there's a massive market for you to maybe get it in, speak to women and just fucking shoot the shit man speak about life, speak about everything that you spoke about there because people are going to be watching this and not really understanding your story and then it'll make sense and go fuck me she's a lot stronger than what she is because sitting here and telling your story it's brave man, it's very brave and then to be involved in your life everything you've went through winning big brother writing your book, raising a son single parent you've not shied away from the fact that you've had fucked up relationships you've not shied away from the fact that you've fucked up yourself I think everybody is in one way or another very few people have it absolutely perfect do they I mean what even is perfect doesn't exist, it's an illusion doesn't exist I think it's a lot more damaging to portray a perfect lifestyle like I did a question and answer thing the other day on Instagram a lot of people were talking to me about my mum and I thought I need to be honest there because people were saying you're amazing you're this, that and the other listen some days my mum through a shoot me the week and told me to fuck off and stuff like that and for a split second I looked at her and I thought you were a shit mum you were a shit person and I had to go in the back garden I went in the garden and had a fag because I felt anger towards her she's ill, she's got Alzheimer's but for a second I looked at her and I thought fuck you like I got really angry I did answer the question and I said I might paint some days that I've got everything sourced but I really don't some days I have to ring carers and say I need extra help and I have to ring and say I need an extra day because I can't be asked with her I can't be asked with the disease I don't understand the disease, this is some days not all the time, the majority of the time I massively empathise with what's going on in her head but some days I can't because I'm not a bloody expert on it but I think that's important to admit that and I admitted that on the thing the other day I thought whoa do I give off this impression that I'm some like Florence Nightingale because I'm not again that comes back to the thing you don't like people being nice to you if you get a gift you'd probably make shitty jokes do you know what I mean? but you probably wouldn't accept it because you think yeah I wouldn't I'm not someone that could ever take a gift very easily no I've never really had it so for me to start getting it would be very weird for me but listen we're here we're here to tell the tale anything you'd like to finish up on no just buy my book please we'll get the links in all of the subscriptions check the link below to buy the book fucking great girl great story and all the best for the future thank you, thanks so much for having me as well you're welcome