 talk is called, from the inside out, who you know to self talk your community. So that's an old English, or middle English, excuse me, somebody challenged me to write my entire talk in middle English. You're welcome, I didn't have time. So, from the inside out, how negative self talks affects your community. Oh, there are some moving pictures. There are three of them, they're not flashing, so if that bothers anyone, I can give you a cue and tell you to close your eyes and then I will read the slides to you. All right, so, I'm Nona Zaraoui on most of the internet. My staff account on DreamWit is MsCat. I've worked with DreamWit Studios LLC, which is an open source blogging company. We have about 50 active volunteers across various parts of the project. About two thirds of those contributors are women and about 65% never coded before they touched our project. So, my actual job with DreamWit is community and volunteer support. So, I entertain these between the users and the developers, I point out bugs, I handle a lot of the end user documentation and interaction, and basically I'm just a friendly face. My other jobs are, I work with also aid insurance as a salvage and total loss rental coordinator. I also volunteer with the society for creative anachronism and manage about 30 scribes of varying skill levels. And then I also work with Kimbergens Kahn, which is a 6,000 member four-day convention. I'm one of the senior department heads for inter-department communication and liaison staff. All right, so, we're gonna get right into it. So, what is self-talk? This is a great example of self-talk, Barton, you dummy. So, how we talk to and about ourselves is our self-talk. Sometimes it can be internal, sometimes it can be external, and sometimes it's a mix of both, and it affects how you think about you. So, it can have a lot of effects on your community. Negative self-talk can mean you have fewer contributors, you have higher turnover, you have less innovation because people who think poorly of themselves are more afraid to take risks because they don't wanna look bad and people will do a lot of things to avoid feeling like they're incompetent. So, negative self-talk can display itself in many ways. The most common are listed here, but there's a lot of others that we're not gonna talk about today. But once you have a general idea of what to look for, you're gonna be able to see those indicators. Imposter syndrome, who here has heard of imposter syndrome? I love that almost every single hand in this room is up that is amazing. So, we're gonna talk about it anyway. Imposter syndrome is that sinking feeling that at any moment, everyone in the room is going to think that you're faking it. Hi, I have it right now. Just wanna throw that out there. So, it's pervasive. It goes across industries, it goes across locations. It does tend to affect more minority groups or perceived minority groups. It does tend to affect women more than men. There are social reasons for that. Women are told that we should be deferential to other people and hide back behind the shadows and let other people take the responsibility for things. It tends to affect intelligent people more often than it affects other types of people. It means that you have impossibly high standards for yourself because you know all of the things that you don't know. And you discount the things that you do know. So, it reduces the ownership of your successful endeavors. So, if something succeeds, it's chance or that was a lucky break. But if something doesn't work, it overburdens you with ownership with a failure because it's all my fault. I should have known better. I should have done something better. So, that reduces that risk-taking innovation that we were talking about before because being wrong means that you're being a fraud. Burnout and fadeout are other ways that negative self-taught can display. Specifically, too many brain cycles get spent on those what-ifs. And that means you've got a lot of brain weasels kind of jangling around and they're taking up time when you could be doing something else. So, those thoughts just won't go away. So, things like, I can't do this or this is too hard or I'm not smart enough, I'm not good enough. That perceived failure might not actually be a failure at all. So, if you think everyone hates me, it's time to go home, you might put things off and procrastinate and that can be really mentally exhausting. It takes up a lot of time to think that you don't want to do something. Who here is ever procrastinated and put something off? Okay, so everyone kind of knows what bucket I'm in here. So, it makes it really difficult to get back in once you put something off for long enough because you're convinced that you've burned every single bridge, nobody likes you and there's no easy path to get back. So, qualifying statements are another thing you can look for. A qualified statement expresses some level of uncertainty about its own accuracy. So, things like, oh, it was just a small patch or it didn't take me that long or sorry, I know this is a dumb question but or maybe you should possibly try it this way. Sorry, it didn't mean to bother you or I don't know, maybe you should try it. It's just an idea that I had. I mean, I don't know, I'm sorry. I'll just go back over here, thanks for listening. So, these type of statements, these qualifying statements are intended to soften the impact of what you're saying and it reduces that ownership of the statement because it increases deference to the opinion of the person that you're talking to. It decreases confidence in not only the statement itself but the other person's confidence in the speaker and so it creates this kind of negative feedback loop that can be really difficult to break out of. So, the basis of negative self-talk is a disconnection between the way you see yourself and the way that you're seen by other people. So, we need to make a better mirror. Create a positive, reflective environment. Doesn't need to be upbeat, if it's too upbeat it kind of seems a little stepford wifey and like little boxes made of tiki-taki and you don't want to go too close to it because everyone's a little bit too perfect but just be positive and encouraging because the external validation will lead to internal validation. So, the things that other people do to you or do for you can affect the way that you feel about yourself and you can see this in a lot of different environments. You can see it at work, you can see it just among your little pod of your coworkers, you can see it at home, you can see it in the greater world, the way that you interact with other people will affect how they think about themselves. So, just keep that in mind when you're talking to somebody on the street. So, we've got some action items here. We have things that we can do to help other people feel better about themselves and you can do this either as an individual or maybe as a manager of a larger group. So, things that other groups do are give kudos or positive feedback, both tangible and intangible. So, maybe like a literal cookie or just like a figurative cookie, either one. So, the archive of our own is a nonprofit organization dedicated to archiving fan works from across the web, provides like an orphan's home type thing for works that may have been abandoned by their creator and also creates a new place for innovation and for increasing the popularity of certain fan works like fan pick and vids and that sort of thing. So, after you've read an awesome thick, there's a button at the bottom of the page. It's just a button, you click it and it sends a note to the creator saying, hey, this person thought your thing was really cool. And that's all you have to do. It's purely qualitative because people thought it was good. You get that message and you're like, okay, cool, somebody liked my thing, that's really great. That's amazing. And then it's also quantitative because if you get a lot of kudos and you can say, wow, not just one person liked it but 3,000 people liked it. And that can make you feel really good about yourself and about the way that you're doing things and helps increase that positive self-talk. At work, we have Tots tokens. So Tyler Otts is my manager at Allstate and he has monopoly money with his face on it. And so the monopoly money gets given out or Tots tokens for meeting baseline metrics. So if you meet your call, whatever, and customer, whatever, or he can give them out just because he thinks you're doing a good job and he sees that you're working really hard. So once you get a certain amount of Tots tokens, you can trade them in for stuff like bouncy balls and silly putty and these little rubber duck things. They're super great. And they don't really have any inherent value but they have value to the person who earned them. So I have on my desk at work, I have a couple little ducks. I have my little sticky hand that I got out of the bin and it makes me feel good because I can see that, yes, I did in fact do something good. I did something right and I am valuable and worthwhile because I have these things. Once you get a certain amount of Tots Tots, but these, you didn't have what I'm saying there. So with DreamWidth, we have DreamWidth points. One of our contributors, Momiji, calls them fake DreamWidth money and it's hilarious to hear her say it. So they're given to volunteers for doing stuff. So sometimes it's trivial stuff, sometimes it's big stuff and you can use them to buy icons, lots of paid time on the site. Again, they're not physical, but they are still meaningful. Additionally, DreamWidth support has an indicator on your profile that just has the number of support requests you've answered. Older requests have more points and newer ones have fewer points and it's nice to have that lovely round number. Again, that's purely quantitative. It doesn't say I did a good job, it just shows that you did something, which a lot of days, that's really all I need is just to show that I have in fact done something. DreamWidth also does code amnesty, which is to proactively ask people if they're still working on stuff. If you're not, no harm, no foul. We make it very clear. We're gonna say, okay, we have code amnesty time, if you have something that you've been meaning to work on and you just haven't gotten to it yet, that's okay. Just tell us and we're gonna put it back in the bin so somebody else can work on it, no harm, no foul. And it provides that reduced guilt environment which allows other people to free up their mental space. There is no such thing as a guilt-free environment, but you can make it easier for people to say, I'm sorry, I can't work on this right now, I don't have time. So instead of saying, well, why not, you say, okay, we'll love to see you when you come back if you come back. Minimal group paradigm is the minor connections which we make with other people based on arbitrary characteristics such as shirt color. So in this picture here, the blue guy walked in and stopped and was like, yo, stripes! And the red guy started nodding and was like, stripes! And then they sat together just because they were both wearing stripes. You can thank Tumblr for this that showed up on my dash a couple months ago. And so this is the minimal group. So these are those minimal connections that people will make with each other. Oh, I'm from Seattle too. Oh, cool, where in Seattle are you from? Oh, I'm from this one place, I don't actually know Seattle at all, sorry guys. I'm from this one place that has fish in it. Oh my gosh, I've totally been there too. And then you start talking about it. Well, did you go to this one restaurant? Oh yeah, I totally went there. Or no, but I went to this other restaurant and you talk about all these things. You make these like little minor connections and one might be really tenuous, but five or 10 or 15 are really strong. And they help you create this community bond with these other people who you might really have not a whole lot in common with, but you do, because you just haven't thought about it before. And so one thing that you can do is to do icebreaker exercises. I know they're ridiculous. Nobody likes doing them, but guess what? Nobody likes doing them. That's one of your connections. You can talk about how stupid this is. And this is ridiculous and I can't believe they're making us do this. I know, right? And then you can bond over that, go have some coffee and then you can work together more in the future. Ta-da! So maybe you could have a dislike of icebreakers club. That could be kind of fun. So by creating those minimal groups, what you're doing is creating safe spaces for people, which will allow for success and for failure. And then it also creates more ownership of your group because you feel a responsibility towards those other people. And people might not wanna take care of themselves, but everyone wants to take care of other people. So you can also encourage stretch positions. So promote from within and encourage responsibility. I'm sure everyone's heard that before. My suggestion is to use short term projects. Don't make it this big overarching thing that's going to affect the end result of the company. And if you fail on this, then everything's done. No, have it be something really simple. Tricky maybe to do so that you can feel a sense of accomplishment once you've actually done it, but relatively simple. And then create active mentoring while it's going on. So do one-on-ones or do sit-bys or check in. Say, hey, how are you doing with that? Do you need any help? And then review what they're doing and say, okay, that sounds great. Can I give you some feedback? And they'll say, yes, in which case you tell them, okay, so there's this one thing that you did that's really awesome. Have you thought about maybe trying it this way? Or they'll say, no, and you say, that's great. I'm gonna be right over here. If you need something, come on over, I'll be there. And then just check in. And it's gonna vary by person, but being able to have that active mentoring environment will foster that sense of community and will help people feel a little bit better about their own competencies. So be receptive to that feedback that people are giving you and encourage self-evaluation. So don't make it about, well, I think you're doing a great job. Ask them, do you think you're doing a good job? What do you think you do better? And we're gonna talk about that a little bit more in a minute here. But the most important thing here is to specifically state that it's okay if this doesn't work. That's why it's a minor project. Something they can own, but if it doesn't work, that's okay. So in the immortal words of Captain America, and here's the picture warning, so close your eyes if this is gonna bother you. I used to be really very hard on myself if I thought I wasn't accomplishing something or reaching a certain level. Be with your failures. They're just as educational and just as opening to the process as the success is. Your failures are okay too. Flashy picture warning off. So your failures are okay too. They're okay. So allow for graceful failure. Allow for ungraceful failure. Allow all failure in your community. Encourage it to be quick if you can. Encourage people to experiment, to do rapid cycling and try something. Try it for two weeks, try it for two days. Try it for two hours. And if it doesn't work, and it looks like it's really not gonna work, then that's okay, let's move on to the next thing. We'll try something else. And eventually you will stumble upon something that's going to be functional and is going to work for you. The purpose of these stretch exercises are exploration and development. And really the project itself is secondary. You're working with the person, not with the product. So you as a leader and manager in your organization can fail publicly. You can set an example when something goes horribly wrong or even just a little bit sideways. Just talk about it. Talk about it out loud. Tell people I screwed up and this was spectacularly bad. And that's okay. That's great, actually. You want to do that. So we actually have a whole wiki page called Things Real Dream With Developers Do. And this is an entire page of the really dumb things that we've done even though we are actually dream with developers. So we make mistakes. We forget how really simple things work. We break things. We break things on the dev hack. We break things in production. We break things in production multiple times. And then we have testimonials from the various project contributors. They're all self-contributed. So these are the things that our contributors have identified as really dumb things that they've done that they're willing to put out there and to tell other people about. So when they make those mistakes, they know that they're not alone. So one of the things that I have on the wiki page is I legit can't answer certain support requests without looking up the doc or referring back to my notes. I've only been doing it for five years. I should know these things and I don't. And that's okay. I still work there. I'm still a valued contributor of the project. And if I have to look at my notes, it doesn't mean that I'm not a good person. It doesn't mean I'm not confident. It just means I need to look at my notes a little more often than I probably should. So by showing that, even the people who are showing you how to do things are making mistakes, you can laugh. You can move on. You can tell people that the sun always sets and it always is gonna rise. And what looks smooth to you might not actually be smooth. If you have a duck floating across the surface of the pond, they're all graceful and smooth. Just remember that underneath the water, they're paddling like hell. So it's all gonna be fine. It's okay to be grumpy and just tell us about us in IRC and I promise that we will commiserate. Remember those minimal groups? We're creating more of those connections and strengthening your community and strengthening your individual contributors. Try as hard as you can to reduce qualitative statements. It's never just a patch. It's something you worked hard on. It's something you put effort into and it's something that you did and therefore it is valuable. Every contribution is valuable and important. So when those sorts of situations happen, just validate the contribution. So if somebody says, sorry, I thought this might work. I don't know, sorry. Just say, thank you for pointing that out. I appreciate it and I can definitely see where you're coming from from that. Thank you. Or if someone says, this is really dumb. It's not really that important. You know, look at it when you can. I'm sorry to bother you. It didn't mean to get in your way. Just say, I appreciate you taking some time to do it. I can tell you, put some thought into this. Thank you. Or ask them, is there something else that I can help with? Do you need anything? How do you feel about this? And kind of get them to get that feedback loop starting. So don't invalidate or correct their statement. That's a really, really big one. I cannot emphasize this enough. If someone says, this is a dumb thing, don't say that's not dumb. Because by invalidating the statement, you're invalidating the person and their opinions and that is so hard to hear. You might not think about it consciously, but your subconscious is, all they're gonna hear is, you are wrong. You are wrong. You did the wrong thing. Even if you're just saying, no, the thing you're saying that is bad is actually good, they're not gonna hear that. They might hear it like up top here, but down and below, it's not gonna necessarily click all the way through. So avoid those while actually statements. Those invalidate and belittle and they devalue the usefulness and they can also be unnecessarily argumentative. So encourage self-care. This is one of my favorite pictures. I have it up on my cube. Stay up late, get up early, keep going into the lack of sleep, causes an emotional breakdown that sends you spiraling into the dark abyss. No, how about we don't do that? Let's try not doing that. That sounds great. If someone needs to take a break from your project, that's okay. Strict breaks are good. We did one of those earlier. Everyone got up and moved around a little bit and that's great. Vacations are also good. If someone needs to step back and just take a minute and take a deep breath, that's okay. That means that they're a lot more likely to come back from their vacation later. So as self-care cat says, self-care isn't selfish, but even if it was, it's okay to be selfish sometimes. And as the cutie little dragon dude says, I don't wanna be too mushy, but I think you're fantastic. Self-care is okay and you're fantastic. So live by those words. Got it? Are there any, everyone understands that? Great. Okay, we're gonna move forward now. So that's all great, but what about internal validation? Clint Barton, ladies and gentlemen. So my mid-year resolution was to stop making qualifying statements. I will immediately restate whatever I said without qualifiers. It means I'm a lot more assertive and I seem a lot more bossy, but Honey Badger really don't care. So, sorry. I'm not actually sorry at all. I have found, I have found myself to be a more effective advocate for other people who might not be in a position where they can take those steps themselves. I have white privilege. I recognize that. I let people fight their own fights, but god damn it, if you need something, I'm gonna be there and I will kick shins like nobody's business. So, I'm important and you're important and we're all important. And while it might be polite to dim your praise and say, no, that wasn't good, guess what? It totally was. So deal with it. Okay, thanks. Politeness can bite it, as far as I'm concerned. I'm not always right and I don't always do a good job, but I am right more often than I think I am and I do a good job more often than I think I do. Or at least more often than I actually do an actively bad job. And it's okay to admit that. So if you make a mistake, just apologize and move forward and try not to do it again. Listen to feedback and only apologize when it's actually warranted. Being more assertive has led to better opportunities for me and I know it will lead to better opportunities for other people as well. So instead of saying, hi, sorry to bother you, but I was thinking about this thing that I guess it might work. I don't know, I'll go now, thanks. Just say, hey boss, let's look at implementing this new process next month. I did some research and other people have had great results. Let me know when you've got some time to talk about the logistics and review the data with me. Thanks. I actually did exactly that. I sent both of those notes to my manager, more or less verbatim and guess which one worked. The second one. So in case you didn't guess that out of the context of the talk. So yeah, clearly it's been working pretty well so far. I have run into a little bit of pushback because I'm really short and people don't expect this amount of aggression from a short chick, but you know what, that's your problem, not mine, honestly. So do you guys remember that feedback loop that we talked about earlier? It works for you just as well as it does for other people. Do things outside of your brain? You're gonna do good things inside of your brain. That is not a 100% true statement, but it's accurate more often than not. So be a person. If you're sitting down and you've been coding for six hours, do people things rather than computer robot things. So get up and move around a little bit. You don't even have to stand. All you need to do is take your hands off of your keyboard and go like this or like this or like this. Just do one or all of those things real quick or get up and stretch, like actually stretch your body. If you're hungry, go grab something to eat. If you're thirsty, drink some water. Actually, if you're not thirsty, probably drink some water anyway. If you're frustrated with something, put it in the naughty corner. Put it in the naughty corner and let it. Think about what it has done and ponder it and it will think about it. And then you, as you are away while the thing is in the bad corner, ponder it. Think about why it's frustrating and then you can come back to it later. You can't necessarily abandon every single thing that makes you frustrated, but you can help redirect your own thinking so that you can come back to it later in a more productive and positive environment. So to that note, everybody get out your writing utensils. It's an interactive section. We're all excited. Or you can use your computer or you can do it in your head, but I recommend writing it down because I feel like the visual is really helpful. And I'll give you all a couple of seconds to do that. I'll take a stretch break. All right, so the 321 technique is a productive and constructive way to guide yourself thinking. So I want you to think about your most recent project. It can be something like making dinner or making travel plans or it could be something code related. It could be how you figured out how do you get to the conference today. Anything like that. And just write it down real quick. Doesn't need to be full sentences. We're not gonna share this. So, everyone's got their thing. I want you to think of three things that you did. Three things that you liked, that you did well, that you're proud of, that create a positive and happy feeling about that thing that you just did. It has to be three. I'm just gonna take a second and write all those down or think about them in your brain. Three things that pertain to that project that you did. So, I will do mine. So I made travel plans. I managed to get myself from Minneapolis all the way out here. I am really proud that I managed to remember to put in my mileage number into my airline thingies. So I've got my mileage points, which is awesome. I remember to pack everything that I needed and did not forget anything other than business cards, which is awesome and like a huge coup for me. Seriously. And I made arrangements for a place to stay that was with a friend that I hadn't seen in a very long time. So now write down two things that you're not happy about. I waited to pack until the day I was leaving. That was not my best plan ever, but that's what it is. And also I didn't book my flight early enough so I wasn't able to get the exact flights that I wanted. So those are the two negative things that I'm not happy about that I wish I had done differently. And then I want you to write down one thing that you're going to do differently next time. And this is going to be your action item. Next time I'm gonna make a checklist. That's what I'm gonna do. And I'm gonna make a checklist with dates and make sure that I stick to it. All right, so everyone's got their little three, two, one there. I just want you to think about for a second as I'm talking how it makes you feel to have everything written down and have it right in front of you or in your brain, however you chose to do it. So some of the results I've seen from using the three, two, one technique are increased participation, increased quality of work and improved self-awareness because you're creating a better mirror because it is more accurate. It's a lot more introspective than a lot of the feedback that we tend to get. So it's not what do they think of me? It's what do I think of me? How do I feel about the things that I did? And other people's opinions of you are really truly less important than your own opinion. If you think you're being awesome and you think you're doing a great job, then they're gonna probably think you're awesome too. So once you've done this three, two, one, what do you do with the information? You've identified your sticking points. You have the option to do nothing, especially if you're doing this with a group of people that you're working with. So I often do this with the scribes that I work with one-on-one on a regular basis. When they give me a new piece of work, I'll say, okay, give me your three, two, one. And they'll say, I did this thing really well. I did this thing really well. Give me two things that they're not happy about and one thing that they're gonna do differently next time. I can choose to do nothing with that information. I can say, thank you for doing the three, two, one. That sounds great. I appreciate it. And then kind of leave them up to their own devices. Because I mean, they know what's gonna happen. That last item is an action item. It gives you a way to move forward from what you just did. If they ask you for feedback, just give the feedback on the negatives. So don't let their pride stand. So allow them to be proud and happy about the things that they're proud and happy about. Don't say, well, you know, you actually didn't do that good of a job with that. Because that is mean and unnecessary and rude. So just gonna throw that out there. So then just apply those external techniques as necessary. This is really an internal tool to help limit negative self-talk or guide positive self-talk for that matter. And you can do this without ever sharing your results with any other person. Don't force other people to share, but be open if they do choose to share. Be willing to have that dialogue and meet people where they are. So three, two, one is really important to me because there's a lot of science that backs it up. I'm not gonna talk about science of course today. But because it is self-guided and it uses the things that your person is thinking, it means that there's no external judgment. It's all internal. And it helps to sandwich that criticism, which limits negativity because the positives outweigh the negatives. You have three things that you're happy about and one thing that you're gonna do better next time. So those are positive things and they're sandwiched around that, those two chunks of negativity. And by couching those difficult to think about things between good things and giving yourself a path to move forward, it does create a more positive thinking environment because it gives you a little bit more structure. The three, two, one has a lot of applications. You can use it with art, you can use it with code, you can use it with your weekly management, with your daily management, anything that you need to think about in your life. So big projects mean big issues. You can get really overwhelmed when you've had a big project and there's a lot of things that went wrong and all you wanna think about are the things that you did wrong and you'll sit on those and you'll spiral and you'll just go down and down and down and you won't think about the good things that you did, all of the good things because the things that you did right aren't necessarily the things that you're gonna remember tomorrow. All you're gonna think about are the things that you did wrong. And fixing problems can be really hard and can lead to procrastination and abandonment, especially if you feel overwhelmed, like there's too much. So the three, two, one is structured to limit that negativity as I talked about a moment ago. So if you wanna talk more about the negative, so more about the things that you did wrong, guess what? You gotta come up with three more positives and one more action item. You have to couch it that way because then you have this positive feeling and everything moves forward in a positive way rather than moving backwards or sitting and spinning. My internal monologue is more of a scrum or mosh pit. I don't ever have any sort of structured stuff in my head. And so those structured rules help me be able to organize my thinking and really sit down and process the things that I'm experiencing. So I do a lot of checklists. I do a lot of calendars. I do a lot of post-it notes because having those action items and understanding of the things that I did wrong last time and having a way to move forward is so, so, so helpful for me. And it produces a more productive thinking environment just in your whole life. So in conclusion, negative self-talk is a thing. It's gonna happen. What matters is what you do with it once you've noticed it. And you have a lot of new tools in your toolbox now and you're gonna find other tools that are gonna work for you that I didn't mention today. And they're gonna work for your team. And just remember that every person and every group is different. And so it's not always gonna be perfect. So just keep swimming and things will eventually work out as long as you keep moving forward in a positive direction. I have faith. You can do the thing. Yeah. So I will take a three questions from the audience if there are any questions. If there's no questions, that's great too. So, so in a lot of ways the question was about how to fail gracefully. I find personally for myself if I noticed that something is not going right, the best way to fail gracefully is to admit it upfront. Be like, okay, I'm really having trouble with this. I'm really struggling with this thing and make it really clear what those things are. I do a lot of three, two ones myself when I am struggling with a project so that I can identify those action items and hopefully turn things around in the middle. But if I can't just be open and transparent with what the issues are and with what you're gonna do to do it better next time if there is a next time. And I feel like that allows for more graceful failure going forward. Yes. Um. So I'm really lucky. I don't have to run into that a whole lot but I know a lot of other people do. I would say in that type of a situation try to bring it back to the numbers. So if there's a way that you can quantitatively show that something isn't working maybe like by production numbers or by some sort of a metric that doesn't necessarily have to do with the person themselves and be like, okay, here's what we got going. Here's what I'm seeing. Here's the problems that I'm identifying here. What are you seeing? What problems are you seeing? And how do you feel like we might be able to get this turned around? We really need to improve these numbers. And the answer might be I'm working as hard as I can and the answer also might be that they really don't think that they're doing a good job. They've just put on this big costume to make themselves feel better because a lot of times when people are really insecure they can be really boisterous and puff up their chest and strut around and they don't actually feel good about themselves at all. So just identify that. I think that the three, two, one would also be a good option there because if they can self identify those negatives and they can say, well, I could be doing better at this. You can say, you know what? That is something that I would really love to help you work on. Let me move forward with that. Does that make sense to everyone? Okay, one more. Yes, okay. So the question was how can I as an external person help somebody else accept their failures and then I'm sorry, what was the second chunk there? Okay, and then the second part of the question is internally how can you come to terms with a failure? Unfortunately, that second part you can't force that on anyone. I do feel like the three, two, one can be really helpful because it does provide that positive motivation because you will find the good things that you did and you can build off of those to move forward next time because there will always be a next time the sun is always gonna rise in the morning. Really helpful because it does provide that I am a really big proponent of Marvel pictures and I send them to people and they're like, Captain America says you can do the thing. Or Iron Man says, well, you didn't blow it up this time. So that type of stuff I find is really positive and you can't force people to be comfortable but what you can do is say, I understand that you had a really bad time and this was really tricky and difficult and I appreciate that you worked really hard to get this fixed and I know it didn't work but I'm not mad at you. I'm not mad and I don't hold this against you, even if you do. All right, so that's it. That's all we got today, folks. I hope everybody has a great day and enjoy sludge.