 Hi there lovers and friends. I plan to be all smiles and joy in this video because I am feeling much much better. So I want to share knowing that for many people this will cause eye rolls we'll talk about that but I want to share that from December to mid-march I went through one of the if not the worst time in my life. Hey tomorrow's gonna be week 13 and I still feel so terrible. I just wanted to like get up and be productive and start life I feel like I I don't know I know I just you feel like you let people down like you're indefinitely feel like I let my kid down I can't even tell anymore if I don't feel good or I just I don't know if it's my mental or if it's the physical. After my last pregnancy I thought to myself that I had complained too much and I was like oh I wish I focused on the positive more but the real truth is it fucking sucks. Thank you. It is even difficult to fathom this now because I feel better but every single day all the time I was nauseous I had a headache my hormones were all over the place and there was so much change happening in my world and what made it difficult is during that time the people who work with me the people who love me were going through really big shifts of their own and you know their own individual things so it felt like the way that I felt was inconvenient for sure it was counterproductive to what everybody else required of me absolutely and it it felt like I didn't have no spaces to turn to which is why having a therapist during this time was really helpful because it was just somebody to be totally honest with you that I could just be like blah here is an accumulation of the things I've been feeling and so in this video I want to talk about three things that I learned in therapy so I just finished filming that video and it's uh it's heavy at times and I hope it doesn't offend anybody that I care about but that is my truth right now and I feel empowered to share it thanks to the sponsor of this video which is BetterHelp and BetterHelp offers licensed professional therapy um anywhere you are worldwide they have 20 000 therapists and counselors in their professional network to ensure you get the right match for you based on what your individual needs are I've been using BetterHelp now for a couple of months I've changed therapists a couple of times which you can do absolutely free to ensure that you find the right fit for yourself the reason I'm shooting this on my phone is because the entire process from signing up to communicating with your therapist is done on your cell phone so it's about finding therapy that fits you your unique needs and your crazy schedule BetterHelp has financial aid and they also have payment plans and best of all if you sign up for BetterHelp using my promo code booty you can get 10 off your first month of professional counseling and therapy enjoy the rest of the video all right so let's do the giant I roll together what do you mean this was the hardest time in your life what do you mean you hated yourself during this time and I had family members who felt that way too I had people who would call me and they'd be like you know three months into the pregnancy after hearing me talk a lot about what I was going through it would be like hi so how are you and I just got to a place I was like what do you want me to say and they'd say well I want you to say that you're amazing because you have a great life and you have a beautiful home and a great husband and amazing child that's what I want to hear you say and I say cool let's go with that then you know if my truth is too heavy and inconvenient because it's not unfortunately was at the forefront of my mind right now I am comfortable with what makes you comfortable and it's all relative and I acknowledge that it can be very difficult to hear somebody in my position you know go through a specific period of time of unwellness and then really go through such despair over that when some people live in chronic despair and are in much worse conditions but again everything is relative I remember in my first pregnancy that was my first time going through that much unwellness and I was struck by how privileged I usually am to wake up every day and feel good 90% of the time so to wake up to go pee and be struck with nausea and a headache to have bouts of insomnia to never no matter what you're eating doing experiencing just to never feel good in your body was something so extreme and so something so rare for me and I made a video about that last time and I saw a comment the comment section that was like girl stop being so dramatic everybody's been through morning sickness I still went to work like people like it's not that big of a deal and I acknowledge the strength of that person and I'm very happy for you and I acknowledge that to you you know given these circumstances in your life it might not have been that big of a deal I also acknowledge that now that I went through that awful time again and I genuinely think I was more sick this time I was definitely sick for longer it took me 19 weeks I'm at 21 right now took me 19 weeks to wake up and be like I don't feel like shit but I I was watching somebody else's Instagram who's pregnant with their first child and just again just talking about how their whole world has been rocked by this unwellness and it's like one of those songs you know where you start off with a wrench and then it's like a wrench on top of a balloon and then a wrench and a balloon and then a hamster and then a wrench a balloon a hamster and a light you know like one of those songs and that's how pregnancy can be for many people where the symptoms keep compounding on top of each other so there's somebody that I know by that experience and they're just talking about like how tough it is how rough and I was like try doing that when you've got a one-year-old around who doesn't understand doesn't care so we're all guilty of doing this like but I think that a big part of my lesson in all of this was to ensure that I don't do that to other people and to check myself when I do because also too there's just things we can't compare you can feel nauseous and I can feel nauseous and your nausea is from your toes all the way to your soul and mine is just from my torso to my upper lip right so I can't compare experiences even if we have comparative symptoms and so we can never look at somebody else and be like you don't deserve to feel unwell you don't deserve to be unhappy you don't deserve to go through periods of time where you just don't feel inspired to be here um that to be said a big thing that happened during this time of unwellness is I realized I hated myself I would literally wake up and just disgust I yeah I just genuinely hated myself I didn't like who I was I didn't like how I felt I didn't like the experience of being in my body I didn't like my interactions with other people I didn't like the way that I interact with myself like just all of it I just hated and I actually was doing a course on positive psychology in line with when I was going through like the worst part of my pregnancy which was a beautiful coincidence and in that they were talking about the concept of self-compassion and self-love and there was an amazing aha there in me in that for me in which it talked about how many people have self-love based on the best parts of themselves so if I asked you right now and I'm going to ask you what do you love about yourself in the comment section below right just don't even don't think about anything further why do you love yourself if I was to answer that question a few months ago I would say I love how productive I am I love that I can support and be there for my family members I love my lightheartedness I love my energy I love my determination so when I didn't have access to any of those traits because I was literally getting out of bed in the morning was enough for me I would wake up in the day and I would just say just get back here like I first of all sleep was awful I had such crazy insomnia and I would wake up multiple times a night and I would wake up sick and I would wake up tired I wake up with a headache but even that just being able to lay down and have nobody require anything of me and not to have my phone go off and feel like I was disappointing people just to be like still was my favorite thing in the entire world so I would wake up in the morning and I would just think to myself just get back here like I just want to blow past the day I don't there's nothing I look forward to so if in that state that's where I'm at there's nothing about myself that I love that I have access to so yes I naturally turn to disgust and disdain for myself and my therapist said this very small line that was such a beautiful aha for me in many of us go through life congratulating people for being human doings very few of us just honor people for being human beings and I realized that I look at myself and very likely other people through the lens of human doing like I regard people as a human doing not as a human being and when I had to rewire my definition of self-love from I love what I do to I love that I do what I can you know I love how I look to I love that I show up for myself even in times when I don't recognize myself in the mirror just creating a space where it's not conditional again going back to unconditional love and it's not based on my optimum self it's just based on who I am at my core and what my intentions are despite what my output is and that was like a beautiful beautiful shift for me the second thing I've been talking about with my therapist is boundaries don't you just love that term it's such a buzzword and I'm grateful for that and sometimes I feel nauseated by that not really but you know what I mean it can get overkill at times but my favorite definition of boundaries comes from Ashley C. Ford who I've had on this channel multiple times Ashley C. Ford's the best-selling author and she said boundaries people think of them as ways to keep people out like if I set a boundary with you as a community member it's me telling you like this is how close you can get to me but instead it's giving guidelines to keep you in I'm trying to give you the rulebook to how we can stay close and have good communication because if obviously you're constantly in conflict with the boundary I have to remove you all together so you actually have to care about somebody in order to put a boundary in place and so when we do that they're not negative again they are a sign of affection they are a sign of actually liking somebody so we don't care to put boundaries in place with people that we don't have interactions with because we don't really care we'll never see him again that to be said I again at this place of extreme low capacity I can't tell you guys this is really funny quote I watched this Aziz Ansari special and he said that he went up to Frank Ocean and said Frank like how do you do it how do you only work when you want to work how do you only make music when you want to you show up when you want to and then you disappear for like months and years on end like how do you like have this dream career and then Frank said to him yeah like you just got to be cool with making less money because he's like that's not the answer I wanted to hear I have made so much less money so much less just because I am less I have less capacity I have less time and with wellness not in the picture I had less energy so I was disappointing people left right in center I used to be like an all-star person to work with I think especially as a woman of color who just felt extreme gratitude for every opportunity I was given I would go above and beyond I would hit every single deadline this video coming out right now is already past this deadline I would hit every single deadline I would go and get every target I would read the script or read the contract make sure that every deliverable was above what they were asking for and then all of a sudden I turned into this person who was flaky who was constantly making excuses who was pushing things off and I couldn't do above and beyond I could barely do bare minimum and so through this not only was difficult people I existently worked with to acknowledge the shift in me and to accept it I think for new people I find that I don't get the same glowing reviews that I used to I don't get the same glowing affections of like it was so amazing to work with you because it probably wasn't and it probably isn't and I have to be okay with that but when you don't communicate to people what you're going through then they can't make accommodations for what you're not living up to and I thought I felt sick and I needed to sit down people needed to know why I needed to understand why I was late on projects and people needed I needed compassion so I had to be extremely honest the last thing I've been talking about with my therapist which is like it is such a difficult thing to start but once you do it it becomes intoxicating almost and that is forcing people to say the things when you are at limited capacity you need a lot and you have to know concretely who can and cannot provide what I spent a lot of time in my places of despair getting really mad at people for not showing up for me to help for not extending for not reaching out people who I felt like I have gone above and beyond for and people who I feel like I would have done the same for them and maybe people who I just expected wrongfully expected you know to to step up in those ways and they didn't know that to me and that's totally fine too so I went through this period of time of just feeling getting really resentful right like oh man like I just I don't have the people to rely on and on top of that because I was halfway hoping that these people would fantomily just do what I was hoping that they would I wasn't looking for additional resources because I was just waiting to see like if I stretch myself super thin if I'm really sick if I am really pathetic at that point are they going to do something and I got to a space I remember this very particular day so it was 17 weeks of pregnancy my mom had been assuring me that by week 16 I would feel better because last pregnancy by week 13 or week 12 I felt better and it just wasn't happening I just felt almost in worse and increasingly nauseous and there's something that happens to your brain when you expect to feel better and you don't that just makes you exist in so much more despair and then of course the fear that this is never going to end I'm here at week 21 to tell you it did so I'm very grateful so it was 17 weeks and I was like I still don't feel better and then all of a sudden I had this magical day where I woke up and I'm like I sat up and I'm like I got a drink and I was like and for a few hours I felt like myself and then the headache came back and then I started to feel extreme fatigue and it turns out the next day that Ryu who has been going to the park every day my one-year-old daughter you know had caught a cold and she had passed it on to me and so now it's like I've finally got to a place where I thought I was coming out of it and then I was like shoved back down and again just kind of the mental yo-yo of that just really made me in despair and so that day I woke up and I'm like I cannot look after Ryu today like I can't I am my body just needs to rest I need to do nothing I need to just be not needed which you know again like it's it's been increasingly difficult to feel so sick and then to have a baby who needs so much and is so delightful and energetic and who doesn't understand and doesn't need to understand because there and it doesn't be way too much time to ask them to leave mommy alone and there were times where I was so sick that I would have to ask that and it felt awful like that would almost make me feel worse so this day in particular I was like I'm willing to take on all the guilt I cannot be available to anybody else's needs or expectations of me so we found somebody to watch Ryu from 11 a.m to 6 p.m and I'm feeling tister super terrible and during this time rather than resting I went on a rampage and called the people who I felt had let me down and just was like what the fuck is up just say it right like if you don't care I need you to say that and it was yeah like I said it was they were gruesome and they probably weren't done the best way and this is not like advised by my therapist or any other expert it was just in the space of despair that I was in but through that I had some really enlightening conversations that inspired me to take action in different ways and people got to be honest with me about what they can and can't do based on their capacity or based on their desires which they are entitled to and I think I was putting off those conversations because I felt that it would feel worse if they just plain flat-out said like I don't feel inspired to make myself available to you but it actually was the opposite feeling I felt I felt energized by those and I felt action-based and from that point on we started to make different decisions around our life I had those hard conversations with the people that I work with too right like you know if this what do you want and what is important to you and what makes you wake up every day if this isn't in your list of top three or top five then you know we should reevaluate because I do think that I am in a space where I can't ask that people want to joyfully show up for me and I want to also joyfully reciprocate to those individuals and that exchange you're deserving of waking up and doing what inspires you and I'm deserving of waking up and being around people who are inspired by the work that we're doing and not just doing it because it's a job or because they feel like they should be helping but they genuinely want to so having those tough discussions I think overall one they have actually led to better relationships in those areas because one of my favorite quotes the key to happiness is managing expectations and number two I'm actually now in a place where I've forced I've been forced to make some interesting to make some investments in myself and that was the aha that I had to throughout all of this despair that I was going through is a lot of people go through the same things of feeling unwell feeling stretched thin and also feeling resourceless or feeling help like they're not getting the help and support that they need but what sets me apart from those individuals is I have disposable income and yes I could have a scarcity mindset where I'm like I'm not working as much so I should be saving more but my quality of life and also what I'm able to provide and give mainly to my daughter and to my husband like those matter and that time matters and that's worth that investment so going forward uh yeah we're hiring somebody full time and when the second baby comes I am going to be no like questions asked I am hiring you know a full time person to help out and I'm really excited about those choices and I'm excited that I'm clear about what I need to do to create balance in my life thank you so much for watching this video making these always feel weird to me in the moment these like more complaining ones but to be honest I love them looking back and actually when I was in the last pregnancy when I ended it I thought to myself I gotta really make an effort to complain less because I felt like it wasn't a good look for me to be so negative about pregnancy and then when I was in the throes of negativity of this pregnancy I found myself combing through my old content desperate to find the relativity to find myself to know that you got through it and I went through this already before and I wanted to hear the depths of how shitty it was I wanted more complaints and more honesty so maybe you don't but if you're in a space that you do and you're in a space a relativity you will get through this whatever this is and find your balance fight for your balance whatever resources you have your wellness and your mental health and your joy those are worth everything that you have and do whatever is in your power and I don't know what that is but more power to you and please share in the comment section I always love when I get to read about you and you feel like more than just a viewer you feel like a community member and a friend and a person who's gone through their own things and I draw so much inspiration from reading the comments that include personal stories so thank you as always to being vulnerable and to anybody who's ever shared those trust me I have definitely read them and I truly do value them if within your power of capacity you think you have the means to invest in professional help from a licensed therapist I do think you should consider looking into better help which is more financially affordable than most brick and mortar therapy offices and also they do have payment plans and they have financial aid I have been using better help for a couple months now I've changed therapists to find the best fit for me and I think it's a good flexible program I like the interface definitely give it a look to see if it could be right for you and if you do feel like it could that's when I used my own code you should use it too it is betterhelp.com slash booty to get 10 off your first month of professional therapy