 I wanted to take a moment today to think about eating disorder recovery and my journey and a milestone which for me is quite significant and I know that I have many friends and people in my network who have kind of watched my journey over time and who do take an interest in how I'm doing personally so that is Mark say hello Mark say hello. So something quite significant has happened in terms of my recovery journey which is that I have gained a dress size which is maybe not that big of a deal I've done that a lot of times in the past few years gained many dress sizes. The significant thing about it this time is a it's to a larger size than I've ever been and b that it happened without me really noticing or caring or no that's not true it's not that I didn't notice or I didn't care but rather that I thought gosh some of my clothes are a bit small now I should buy a larger size that would be more comfortable and I was able to notice acknowledge it and deal with it without freaking out which is what would have historically happened and it's interesting to me I'm very curious about this and what it means and whether it's a thing about right now and obviously the current climate means that worrying about things like size seems a little bit odd and maybe that's what it is maybe I'm thinking well compared to a global pandemic what's the problem about being a larger size but actually for me it's never been about size I've never wanted to be kind of thin in an aesthetic way or anything like that it's always been about not wanting to take up space or not feeling like I deserve to be here or kind of quite deep and trench difficult thoughts but more than anything it's just that I had kind of certain rules for myself about what size I was allowed to be and what was allowed to happen and doing anything that went outside of those rules was not just difficult but actually not possible for me just not a thing I could allow to happen looks really delving into this deep moment so yeah it it was yeah an impossible thought for me like the idea that I could allow myself to be a larger size was about as impossible to me as the thought that I might wake up one day speaking Portuguese or but now it's just happened as a natural result like many people during the pandemic food has taken quite a central role in our lives and I've been really enjoying it which is again a good thing and quite a new thing that mealtimes become an actual pleasurable activity a real focus in the day and something that I'm just enjoying in a really uncomplicated way so I've been enjoying my meals and I've been doing a lot less exercise so I would normally be climbing two three four times a week and moving more than like a hundred steps a day now the only exercise is my long daily commute which is longer than most people's at the moment because I move from one house to the other because we have two neighbouring houses and I've also been doing quite a lot of gardening and those things get me out a little bit not a lot compared to you know hours climbing every week so yeah less active more eating larger size do you know it's fine like I yeah I feel fine about it and it feels strange even really talking about it and I totally get that in the scheme of things you know I'm a really healthy weight now and this is good and something to be celebrated and no one would look at me and go wow aren't you huge but when I think about where I am compared to where I've been at my illest or even where I am compared to where I maintained myself at a quote unquote healthy ish weight for years and years and years and years throughout my life it's just a whole different place and giving myself permission to just be is good and new and I'm proud I'm proud of where I am right now with it and there's lots about how I am right now that I'm really proud of compared to where I've been it's giving me the space actually to be the parent that I need to be as well it's very difficult to try and teach your daughters not to have body image issues and to be confident in themselves and to love themselves when those things aren't true for you yourself and just as I teach other people I try and do the fake it till you make it but you know what these days I see my body more as a machine something that needs to be fed and nurtured and which can do really really incredible things and I'm grateful for that I like the fact that I can carry boxes and dig deep holes in the garden and run around with my kids and all those things which I take for granted now really but couldn't always do because I used to be very weak when you don't eat when you're very underweight you're not really able to do much there were times when I was so weak I could literally not even sit up and it feels like I was going to say it feels like a lifetime ago I literally do not recall the feeling of that and many of you were there with me some of you literally many of you metaphorically and you may have more of a recollection of that I just don't and I hope never to revisit that again um and this is partly about that too I want to make a note to self it's okay you can do this you can be this normal healthy weight and the world will not stop spinning on its axis in fact your brain will be freed up for thinking about many other things and I'm making really exciting strides forward in other parts of my life because my brain is no longer entirely occupied with rules around food and weight and measuring and activity and all those things it's just a non-thing and honestly I never I never thought that could be the case and I feel a little bit like I'm tempting fate like by saying this by saying I'm at this really quite surprisingly good place and I can't remember ever being like this like I can remember being six and worrying about this stuff on some level and having obsessions and compulsions around food but no I can't remember ever feeling yeah quite this chilled about it and I think I should caveat that with you know I'm still freaked out by potatoes like I can't eat pasta in certain shapes but these things now I understand more in my wider context of they're not about calories that's about textures and I'm autistic and that's okay and relatively normal for me and I'm going to forgive myself for some things there are other things in my life too which are still all right but you know we learn to live with these things and yeah I'm really rambling this one's for you Terry you love my rambling videos so you got one yeah ramble ramble ramble yeah I'd be really I'm kind of I'm inquisitive about this and I'm finding I'm in a place where I can begin to ask myself questions and give myself honest answers and there's enough distance from some of the most difficult bits for me to be able to really openly explore that and I'm really interested if you're interested too remembering that when I share about myself it's just my story often my videos are sharing a professional opinion and you can extrapolate and stuff when I'm sharing about myself it's just about myself because I feel like this or because certain things have worked for me does not mean they'll necessarily work for other people but that said if you're someone who is currently struggling and lots of people are lots of people even who haven't struggled for a really long time are struggling now during the pandemic because it brings up all sorts of difficulties for us if you are struggling right now I guess maybe hopefully that even if what works for me might not work for you hopefully it gives you a little bit of hope because I was in that completely hopeless place where it didn't feel like there was a way out and I didn't even want to find a way out and now it feels like that will happen to another person so there is hope a change can happen yeah more another time if you want to ask your questions I will do my best to answer them honestly and yeah I'd really be interested to hear your experiences too if this is something that you have also been through and where do you find yourself and what for you were those kind of important milestones in recovery because yeah for me a biggie was just saying hmm I need new jeans I'll order new jeans in a different size that will be comfortable that was a big deal okay I'll quit rambling now see you next time bye