 judging through red clay, dust coating her full lips and sweat kissing her forehead. She calls it Black Girl Love and I've taken back to my first time, pain coupled with pleasure licking the lines of uncertainty. She calls it Black Girl Love and I become consumed by the sway of her hips, the way her sweat smells, the hours of being bare, trembling fingers fighting to go through gates they are told not to go. She calls it Black Girl Love and I see myself in her arms, nestled against her breasts, whirling my fingers through her locks and masturbating to the rhythm of her breath. She calls it Black Girl Love and I find myself naked, exposed, shredding my costume, removing my mask, slipping into my weakness and embracing my ugliness. She calls it Black Girl Love and I relinquish my will to fight, surrender my heart. I talk in my real voice and I pick up my pen. She calls it Black Girl Love, calls it Black Girl Love. I just call it love. She came over last night seeking conversation of an intellectual nature. She actually said that. Conversation of an intellectual nature. You're here, aren't you? Yeah. Oh, you're just going to go touch it on my slipper? Second drill from the sink. Thanks. What do you want to watch? I'll ask you first. I mean, it doesn't matter. I'm here for conversation. Remember? Right. So what's on your mind? I'm okay. I'm actually trying not to think about the news right now. Girl, you're the one who just said you wanted a conversation of an intellectual nature. Yeah, I know, I know. Okay, shut up. I just read something for this class I'm taking that talked about how when we assumed that Black queer women are the only ones having sex worth creating discourse about we place the burden of sexuality studies on all Black queer women. And like, I never thought of that before. And like, it makes so much sense, you know? But it's also so surprising to hear because I feel like we're always talking about straight women. When a book, whenever I read stuff about sex, it really is always about queer sex. Uh-huh. Anyway, it's a weird kind of economy, you know? Because I feel like if we acknowledge the fact that we don't talk about Black and middle-class straight women and their sexuality as a part of our feminism, like, what have they become all that we talk about? Talk about straight people enough? You're right. I swear she smelled intoxicating as hell. But at the same time, I decay, you know? I can tell that it has, like, awakened something in her and she's getting to talk about something with me that she's never been able to talk about before about gender study stuff and sexuality stuff and all that stuff. Why are you touching my stuff? You're such a torrent. Why are you so far away? Wait! Open, so I hope. I'm going to read something that's not required. Yeah. I mean, if you like Toni Morrison, what else would you like? Have you read God Help the Child? There's something about silence being as close to music as you can get. That should make me get my own apartment to be honest. I feel you. I like having my own space, you know, tourist shit. Have you read me and McKenzie's joint from, like, 2013? What's it called? Mmm, somewhere we got free. No, no, I haven't read it yet. I've been pretty sure I bought a Kindle right when they came out. Well, you should borrow my cup. Tell me what you think. Yeah, good books, too. Books are important. John Waters, you know, the craziest white dude who made his friends? I don't know if he's cute or had any fairings with him, but he says something like, uh, don't date someone if they don't have any books. My mom also thinks you should date someone and they got in their kitchen, you know. I come to bed after and you go get a drink and they got roaches. How do you fucking imagine? Oh my God, I would die. Hopefully be butt ass naked. What are you thinking before? Should I be... And we fit together perfectly. She moved with me. So, uh, did you still need that intellectual conversation? It was a physical one, okay? Oh my God! You! Can we just have one time? Soon after, we became friends with benefits. Not just how you're thinking about, but good ones nonetheless. We switched nights. We both had keys. Come late. Leave whenever. We were friends. We were bed buddies. This is nice. Have I mentioned this is nice? I miss the cuddlery. Sharing your warm ass vibe. Hey! I'm not that warm. You're pretty fucking warm. It's nice. I miss the platonic test trace. Your hand on my hip in the morning, or warm air, when we softly and evenly from your thick lips. The ones you once thought were too big. I miss the joys of waking up on sunshine sheets shared by a mother. We made a plan. A good one. I'm not attracted to you. I mean... No! I mean, of course. Really, you're gorgeous. Stop fretting. What I mean is that... You don't want to sleep with me. Good. I will come over three nights a week. Oh, can we make it, too? I think you're great. My cats just get really upset when another woman turns up in bed. Okay. I will come over two nights a week, and you will change the sheets before I get there. Obviously, I have home training, thank you. And I'll come to your place twice a week. Perfect. We're just sleeping buddies. Just sleeping. I get a better night's rest when someone else is in the bed. Yeah, insane. This is just to keep our heat most low and to help us get those eight hours. Nothing more, nothing less. You're just friends. Not attracted to each other. I mean, she's thicker than what I go for, typically. You couldn't handle me in any ways on skinny-ass girls' days. It was a perfect, simple, beautiful plan. Then it got complicated. Her skin was so suck. She had this patch on the right side below her 10th rib above her pelvic something. I noticed it when we were spooning. I was the big spoon. She sleeps better when we're spooning. I don't mind sleeping together. In fact, I prefer it. Plus, she always smells like this right out of the shower smell, you know? She smells like dove soap and coconut oil. Plus, a little bit of rosemary, maybe? At night, her bonnet would fall in front of my face and that clean, herbal scent always overlonged me. I was afraid my hands would shrink. When we were spooning, my hands would travel from the front of my thigh to the back of hers. I'm not thinking about her. Her smell lingered on me all day. Even after I shower in the morning, her scent would be stuck in my nostrils. Faces of her I hadn't noticed before. Motherfuck, buddy. How's that been? One night, I didn't get any sleep. And neither did I. My nephew's graduating today. I guess if he's over six feet tall, he can't be that little anymore. Yeah, not so little. I can't believe I traveled over 600 miles to get here. And I'm still late. I don't even know where my family is right now. Didn't know I'd be celebrating my nephew's graduation with a bunch of multi-couch strangers. I can't know what I'm doing. I'm slightly stressed. Why are you stressed? You want to talk about it? Well, okay. My flight was late. Then I couldn't get my rental car for some apparent reason. Right? And then this white school starts graduation all the time. So I'm even more late. I'm sitting in a bunch of strangers. I'm sorry. I dumped all my problems on you before I even introduced myself. I'm deep. Oh, that's okay. I'm naturally nosy. I agree, but my friends call me free. Okay. Well, the strangers call you. They can call me anytime. Okay. We all sometimes call free. Strangers call you anytime. Who are you here wishing the best for? Oh, my goddaughter. She's the one with the rhinestones on the top of her cap. Oh. You know you're going to have to pay for that, right? Oh, I know. It's my graduation gift to her. The cap, hopefully not the gown. You know, we spent hours last week making sure that the rhinestones aligned with initials perfectly. So you're the good godmother. You're the only fairy. Okay. Well, you are a good company because I am the best auntie in the world. Okay, I see. So what are you doing after graduation? We are doing a party for my goddaughter. I don't know about after. What about you? Oh, okay. I'm going to have the same. I'm going to hang with family until about nine and then I'm going to meet up with some friends. Or you're going to leave dinner. Oh, friends? Yeah. Yeah, I don't live here anymore. But when I do come to town, I hang out with them, dinner, dancing. I have your dose of reminiscing. Hang on. Do you want to join us? Dancing and dinner with strangers? This sounds like fun. Count me in. Okay. It's my number. Or text. And let me know when and where. And I will see you there. Thank you. This is Dee. We're going to meet up at the spot in about 30 minutes. Hope to see you there. Okay, okay. I will see you then. Okay. I just invited somebody I met at the graduation. Please be chill. I think she's family. You know you can't just say that without giving no details, nigga. She's single. What's her name? Oh, she is very cute. And her name is Brie. And I don't know if she's single or not. We like just met. Brie? Brie? Like the Brie we've been trying to tell you about. What? White skin Brie. With those braids and that Bastiat tattoo. Hi. Thank you for inviting me. I should have done it sooner, apparently. January 7th. Dear Diary. I saw her today. And she still has that walk that I love. She looked happy too. Unlike the last time I saw her. I hope she forgives me for that. I was going through some things and I didn't mean to take my problems out on her. Maybe I should just send her an email to say hi. Let her know that I saw her. I wonder if she's changed her email or phone number. I wonder if she's moved. January 12th. She wrote me back. I can't believe she wrote me back. She said next time I should stop her and speak. Maybe I should go back by there tomorrow. Oh, she hasn't been back by in the last three days. I wrote her back and I mentioned she wasn't dating anyone. I want to be better. January 17th. She still hasn't responded to my email. I mean, maybe I should worry. She does have a life, right? Maybe she's dating someone new. She was smiling with that girl she was walking with. No! No! She could tell me if she was dating someone new. I told her I wasn't dating anyone. Maybe she was sick. January 18th. I still haven't heard back from her and I called the hospital and the police department. I even called her mother, but she hung up on me. Doesn't she know that I'm worried about her daughter? I apologize, but her family can't stop me from loving her. She forgave me and she told me next time I see her to speak and she replied back to my email. I just needed to call me and let me know if everything's okay. I'm just trying to love her. January 20th. I can't believe she still hasn't called me. I went out of my way, took medicine and flew by her house. I even left a note to let her know it was me. You'd think she'd at least call to say thank you. So, I called her all this morning, and three times last night, no one answered. So I drove by her house last night, rang the doorbell, stood in the cold rain for 30 minutes and no one answered the door. Where was she? I don't know why she wants to play these games. She knows that I love her. Man, I'm sorry. I've changed. I even got my old job back on a trial basis, but I know I'll make it. I just need her to call me. Let me know she's okay. January 24th. I love her. I love her. Call me back finally. She said she got my care package, my voicemail, my emails. Apparently she was out of town. I mean, I'm glad she wasn't sick or anything, but she was still rude. She even ignored me while she was at home. I saw her moving around her house. I even watched over her while she's left. I've left her hundreds of cars this week. I even left a beautiful handmade one on her pillow today. I made it four, but I broke. They fired me for missing days because I was worried about her being sick. She made me lose my job, but that's okay. She'll make it up to me when we are together. I'll do all the cooking and cleaning while she's at work and we'll have a perfect house with kids and a dog. She's allergic to cats. January 25th. I don't understand why she can't understand that. I mean, I tried to explain, but she just wouldn't listen. She just would not listen to me. And I only held her down so she would just shut up and listen to what I was trying to say. She started screaming and hollering at me so I had to do something to calm her down. So I hit her, you know, like they do in the movies. Except it didn't work. She kept screaming and hollering at me. She kept screaming at me. Why does she want me to leave? The hard day had broke for her. Other roses. I picked for her all the pictures I took of her smiling and laughing with others. Never with me. Never! And tell me to leave. Do that. And she knows that. She's mine. I kept covering her face even after she stopped moving and I heard nothing from her. Cleaning for me to stop. No more asking me to leave. I kept my hands there. Long enough for her to listen to what I was trying to tell her. And then I just got too tired and I had to rest. She was all ready to sleep. Blame beside me and it should always be. Waiting for her to wake up so we could be together. I hope she knows. I'm just trying to love her. Of the shirt that she wore when I first met her. I remember because it was loud and not cute. I'm sorry babe. It was loud. Not cute. At least not on her. It's a little too tight and it had this overabundance of buttons and flaps and it made it look like some Cadet Kelly reject issue. Wow. I didn't know it was going to be about my fashion choices. I also noticed her eyes because when she smiled you could tell it was genuine because of her eyes. I stayed in town after we met and I started bumping into her everywhere I went. I even jokingly accused her of stalking me and from the way she laughed I think there might have been something to my accusation. She wanted to bump into me. I didn't know how to make it happen so I made excuses to text her and the occasional text led to us calling before each function to see if the other one would make an appearance which almost always led to car pulling so it was like a date sort of kind of but not. Yeah. We talked about everything. Politics, books, sex. Sex. Last night. Yeah. We just kept coming back around to sex. And you know it's always about the my overbundance and your and your laughter. Oh, oh, oh, hold on. I remember the conversation. I wasn't jealous though. Oh, but until you were and I remember the conversation I was talking about my latest whoever and you said if it was so great why call me after. You know if you wanted me you could have had me so then I said you don't even want to be with me. So why are you being like this? Well we sat on the phone in silence for five minutes. Five minutes is a long time. Finally I said I do. Out to dinner and on the surface nothing unusual happened. Um, nice try. We touched hands all night. When she passed her the salt our hands would touch and I'd pass her the butter our hands would touch and every time our hands touch like time stood still. And I remember I asked you what made you want more than just dinner that night? Purple. You were purple the first time I met you and then you weren't at dinner. Oh, so you did like my shirt? No. I just knew I couldn't get you or that color out of my mind until I got you out of this. No. Relishing in my corporeal self. I'm really loving having a body lady. You know, that's new for me. When I came out of genderqueer I didn't plan on making any physical or permanent changes to my body so I didn't think people would get it. You know? It was like I was having this huge internal realization and transformation but it was happening for me and I thought that I wouldn't be seen. People have been so empathetic and like I was saying I've heard they've been so empathetic and attentive and you know it's like the first time that I've really loved my body. You know? I don't know. It's like the people who loved me who still see me as a woman I just feel like I couldn't fully exist with them because they thought I was someone who I wasn't. But you know it's not like the actor saying I'm not a woman has changed how I live in my body but tell me if this is TMI. It's about sex. Yeah don't talk about sex it's about TMI. Okay. So like I'm having amazing sex. Like amazing. I mean okay they and I have always had the sex. Yeah obviously. Obviously. But it's like I don't know what it is if I'm just like breathing deeper if I'm less tense or more grounded. Okay. But like before I felt like I was kind of watching myself have sex but now I'm having sex and that shit is good. I'm really happy and sometimes it feels silly and childish. Yeah it is not. I love this day. I love you. Coming out is absolutely white supremacist life. I can't tell you that. Behave and I'll see you soon and no more barbecue on dates. I can't guarantee good behavior but I can't guarantee I'll have a good day. This is good. It is. I love you friends. I love you too. See you soon. Yeah see you soon. Bye. Who wants me to mentally fuck her pain away? Pretend we more than just a two night stand memories of a womblicker dry blood clot tender. So I've had this time while explaining why as she puts me once again on the sidelines catching drip drops of her and the hunger in me isn't being fed. Mental rumbles echoing in a space long ago occupied by her. So why even bother standing on the sidelines front lines of her life. It isn't something that interests me anymore. Did I mention I'm bored or should I stress we've been here before easing pain with band-aids of fake love fake one fake wetness seeping from pins of invisible ink and she says she says I understand her like no other I say she misunderstands me like no till silence finds us again time passes again and we part once again I'm hungry yeah When did you meet her and why am I just now She dropped me a line a few weeks ago on Facebook said she's seen me before I'm about honestly we've been talking a little bit more recently and she wants to hang up sometimes I wouldn't have even responded but I'm tired of sitting alone at home each night and and like I said we're just friends So when are you hanging out with this new friend? This weekend we're gonna check out that new sushi place that I mentioned to you you know the one that I asked you to go to so you're just deciding to tell me about it I didn't have to tell you at all it's not like you care what I do on the weekends anyway as long as I'm there when you catch five minutes away from her how can you say that you know I work hard to spend more than just five minutes with you on the weekend oh but damn phone we've been doing this for like six months now and I and I just started getting calls from you on the weekend last month and once again that's when she's not around I'm tired of this I'm sorry you're right you shouldn't be alone and you shouldn't have to spend the weekends by yourself I'm sorry I put you through this I'm sorry I'm too fucking scared to just break up with her I do wanna be with you I can't love you enough to give you up I'm sorry that this new friend can give you what you need something that I wanna give you I'm sorry I'm sorry too I love myself enough to let you go I need more D I'll break up with her tonight okay okay I'll meet you on fifth in about an hour maybe two depending on how this goes okay I'll meet you there don't disappoint me D okay we both have work too too much almost G is just a cake I didn't get you anything else you're so good at it baby thank you what kind of cake did you make too excited unfortunately I have a meeting to go to downtown at 8 30 on a Tuesday why would you say that babe it was just a joke we need to talk yeah talk about what I'm done with this with this this half ass relationship this pretending that we still care we both know we don't we're just existing and I'm tired of existing with you I want more from life I deserve more from life so I'm done I'm I'm in love I met her months ago we've been talking falling in love and she wants us to be together okay she deserves better I deserve better and I'm I'm ready to give her all of me okay besides I didn't even think you would notice whether or not I was here I mean we're barely we're barely existing together we wake up go to sleep just out of routine we don't even want to be I don't even remember I didn't remember our anniversary I don't remember the last real kiss we shared we haven't we don't even touch like the last time we touched was passing in the bathroom we haven't had sex in months okay I I want to get to know someone I want to have hugs in my life if that's okay dammit shut up you want out something for wanting more fake plans with someone and I think they might need some support I think they just broke up with their girl I'll see you then try to erase it until I gagged still not rich drinking from your well is something I can no longer do still thirsty from the last time as we tried be harder I think to grow my love to see yours the ground has grown dry bare and infertile as we pretend pretend that life is right and that we are doing right by being here passing on that hit this time why because because it's not a fucking answer what the fuck okay no I want an answer and I deserve it now D we've talked about this before there's no easy answer fuck that it's it's just it's time it's time to end this shit I mean we've been here before you've changed and I did not sign up for this oh so it's my fault you know what I'm coming over where is she I told you on the phone she wasn't here where is she you fucking her why was she here on a Saturday night with my girlfriend she's not here cause I didn't invite her you invited her all the other times you were fucking her the other times you started arguments with me to keep me away from here to keep me away from you what do you want me to say yes I invited her yes I fucked her but you know that already so why are you here I'm here to set a bitch in the face who cheated on me that's why I'm here so I'm a bitch now I'm the same bitch that carries your ass for six months when you didn't have a job I'm the same bitch that's been dealing with you trying to figure out if you're a lesbian or some other shit for the last year I mean what the fuck is genderqueer anyway but you know what I'm also the same bitch that knows you're sorry as cheated on me with my so-called best friend so I'll be that bitch but what should I call you what do you call a bitch with no gender you didn't want to be your car do you know so you get mad at me for asking questions but it's because you're not doing your own personal work and the silent resentment bullshit I'm not doing it I'm not do you want me to say anything I'm listening to you no I'm done talking I've been done talking I just do so much for you I come home from work I help you process your fucking day I cook for you I smoke you out when you're sad and nothing it's like you're taking my labor for fucking granted and I'm tired of it yo I need some damn action it is like you're not even fucking here yo you're being so aggressive right now and I need you to stop cursing kidding right now are you fucking kidding me nah I'm fucking serious watch your mouth I'm sorry that I haven't been showing up for you I want to be my best self in this so sometimes I don't want to cause you harm and I don't do anything I need to work on that I know I do I'm committed to that process okay but I cannot be afraid that you're going to blow our damn apartment up every time I fuck up I'm trying my best to show up to this table hungry breed every day I try to my best to show up and I have my shit to work on but to keep it completely honest you knew that I'm doing the best that I can oh my god see this is the shit that blows my mind about you do you really think that I might try my best or are you just being petty right now but I'm being upfront about my feelings I'm telling you honestly what's on my mind and heart and I'm still showing up for you I don't even understand how you can ask me if I'm really trying because it's about actions Kai not just saying and trying you have to do you have to be proactive in your life and what you want in this life and what you're willing to do to do get to it and it seems like quite frankly in this relationship and other aspects of your life you're not even doing that so yeah I'm asking you if you're even trying I'm just saying you need to take a look at yourself and see why it is that you actually resist closeness and growth how many times have you set expectations for yourself and you didn't make it because you didn't put in the work how many times have I reached out to you and you close yourself off on me or you get agitated when I check in you talk big talk but are you integrating any of that in your life in ours but yeah staying and trying isn't working anymore you have to do and yes there are things I need from you but you have to do it for yourself first you're right and everything you just said I can't deny it I literally just said I have my shit to work on Bree I'm not proud of who I am I don't like the fact that I have communication blocks and issues with consistency hell at this point I can barely keep a promise to myself I'm not used to being just connected with someone do you even want to be what we have one argument and you're ready to call it awesome I need to know where we stand in this I'm not trying to have you break my heart but I don't know what's going to happen Bree yes I like you right now and I want to be with you but I cannot predict the future I want to be in this I'm in this damn it I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry for yelling yell enough to last us seven years I'm sorry too I can communicate better I'm trying but I can try harder you absolutely could man shoot and also also I'm not one of your little friends man whoa those are not nicknames I consented to alright shawty so we good like you a lot guy I do and I love showing back I like the same thing too I feel you and I can do that but I need you to give me a little more time to do a shit on my own before I bring shit to you I want to share but you know sometimes it's like your mind goes ten miles a minute and you're so stressed about something that I've just processed so maybe I mean this in a loving way sometimes you gotta chill I don't know just slow down I'm right here she promised the last time before the last time that we would see counseling and sort of treatment I made an appointment she didn't show it wasn't her fault life and living how does it happen to be really busy she promised once to apologize to my mother for abusing her daughter she wrote it down worried for word what she was going to say mail it I said no this has to be spoken face to face I didn't ask for that I didn't expect it I wasn't surprised when it didn't happen the letter or the apology she promised me the sun moon and stars and delivered me to the hospital we are more than once I accepted it as my worth I accepted that I needed to love her more accept her better I tried I tried to anticipate what would make her happy sad but most of all mad I remember the first time we fought it was a simple push really after I said something that she didn't like we were both surprised with her reaction I apologized she apologized and I took it as a one off thing that it wouldn't happen again and until it did the second time was a push again followed by a slap again me more than her she apologized again but she added that it was my fault and I needed to watch my mouth I slightly agree maybe if I shut up more her hitting me wouldn't have happened I believed that until the fourth or fifth time she hit me up if she was having a bad day and I was standing in the way at the door it was there to give her a hug instead I got a shove and a punch in the stomach I didn't greet her at the door anymore I don't do much of anything getting more we argued one night after I hung out with friends I was 30 minutes late she greeted me by crowding my neck she dragged me to the house by my hand she chews me of cheating and made me strip naked to smell her on me she says then she took what I didn't want to give anymore the part wasn't due she normally wanted sex to enforce her point I cut my hair she told me that my mother was trying to separate us after she questioned us about the bruises and the weight loss I told her that my mother loved me loved her and loved us it didn't want us apart she disagreed she beat me every time I visited my mother I don't visit her anymore you talk on the phone when I'm at work I'm not allowed on the phone or the computer when we're home together it took a while we were bruises and broken bones I didn't like it anymore she didn't believe me she told me to sit my ass down before I could even open my mouth she hit me in it making for matters becoming easier and easier I took the hitch and then maybe that followed the sex after it made it easier easier to shoot her and then she went in the head you know TV and movies like the blood splatter wasn't that intense oh that look she gave me though that was intense she looked scary and surprised at times then I looked like that eyes and mouth wide open wanting to say whatever I could to prevent what was to happen I never worked for me and it didn't work for her I told her I no longer loved you I'm tired tired tired of loving you you would never let us go I almost asked her what was it about it was too late for her not how heavy my arm how cold it felt in my grasp it was smart to put the bullets in early so I wouldn't shake it out it's the simple things to hook her up gently push on her shoulder and a kiss on her neck it turned open lesson at lesson slinging would have been next but the gun stopped her free spring it could have been should have been so different for us I pulled the trigger and died I put two bullets in one for her and one for me I didn't use mine but it really wasn't a need to anymore I really didn't expect it all my planning I pictured that they would find a spread out here instead they will just find her I think I'm gonna disappear for a while time and a long time if they find me eventually it can't be any worse than what she did to me Mama will understand Daddy beat her until she couldn't take it anymore I guess blood tells about is you and sometimes that's not a good thing in the middle of pain filled silences it's visual representations of me and you eyes flooding close to the truth of being you no more though I see you trying and I hear what you're saying echoing between words already spoken loudly so I move left and you move right and we not dancing we just stepping up shit piles of love trust hurt pain love trust hurt pain relationship hurtling in this fridge we built not purchased winter approaching inside and out wrapping myself in blankets of you but in the end all I ever think about is you have some miso soup no tofu yakitori really light on the onions do you have that gluten free soy sauce okay let me get a go-go roll extra masago sauce and a glass of water okay oh wait one pot of the mitre tea got it thank you hurry up and decide on what you want I am starving wait you know how always get the same thing here so the only one holding you back is you you need to be more adventurous try a different side dish okay are you buying ooh no uh-uh they say that they own it I missed you yeah missed you too bud tell me what's that wear a skirt no pennies and those heels that I like well wait wait water more thank you so how is she she is fine better much better well let's take the time to better explain what I wanted really what is it that you want use your phrase pain is pleasure and that all of a sudden made everything better no everything better can I watch thanks we I'll fuck it but we do lunch my breath when I get home why should she be smelling your breath but she should be smelling my why is it that we always talk about sex yeah I don't know somewhat no pennies no pennies good wait here ready for the chat yes you exude thanks alright I wanna hear all about your sex life you say she's better how so be specific we're only leaning into the span top by the top amen explore voyeurism free please don't you have to believe that thank you you're resistable okay anyways this is the plan let's do it again three months from now lunch sounds about right bye see you soon I'll spoil you sometimes it's going well Peggy says I might be up for a promotion oh congrats yeah thank you ooh I need that extra cash I think I need an attire on a car and I can barely afford maintenance as is well you will deserve it yeah I know I'm working hard do you know about when you're done again nah I don't know I'm just gonna keep working do my thing do to take care of us how was the food I loved it oh yeah where'd you find the restaurant I know you didn't find it it was Peggy I knew it I don't even know what to find I don't want to wait I'm not waiting okay safe word banana good girl have you missed me yes good girl you ready yes grown folk shit about bending scratching fighting spanking ooh strapping licking eating ooh things like roses are red and nipples are meant to be bitten and shit like when she smiles the sun comes up but when her ass is up hopefully the shades are down ooh late at night when the dogs asleep and the cable bill ain't been paid and it's dark as fuck we fuck slowly naked wetness seeping sweat dripping friction causing reactions making fuck faces to the sounds of for only two payments of $19.99 this can be yours we fuck poetic nonsense that only makes sense to her and I never seen by this man being gay was so damn easy for you you you wore your rainbow gear like a badge of courage and shot the finger to everyone who didn't agree I didn't know if I would ever be there I wasn't there yet you were convinced that my mama and my family would be okay with us with it and you barely met my mama how would you know? it felt like you were trying to force me to be you a lesbian or type whatever you want to call it so I bounce you just kept pushing this idea of what being gay was onto me and I didn't want to hang with your gay friends I didn't want to come out at work but you dropping by demanding a kiss before leaving sure as hell wasn't going to keep it that way I didn't even want to go to Bride I was still trying to figure out what the fuck Bride was but you wouldn't stop so I stopped I figured you'd be okay I figured that gay coalition would help you get over me or whatever it's not like I was your first your mind and love doesn't cure everything but all your exes were always around ready to jump back into something with you anyway who the hell is friends with all of their exes lesbians okay Brie so let me get this straight instead of just flat out saying that you didn't think you were gay or you weren't ready to just leave instead of saying I'm not ready or you're rushing me you just up and leave so you told me you didn't like my friends because they were messy not because they were gay you told me that your boss didn't like it when partners came into the office because it disrupted workflow or some shit like that and I believed you I only asked to kiss you in public once and I thought that maybe if we went to Pride and we held hands in public and you saw other couples like us making it work maybe but no you decided to just up and leave with no call no email not even a fucking text message you didn't tell me shit all you wanted was your pussy angry to be out before anyone noticed you in the morning and I still tried I thought that maybe our love could weather this storm that we could make it work do you think you're the first person to realize that they weren't straight and come out of the damn closet and yeah my exes they kept saying she won about shit and I said no no she's scared so scared that you up and leave like the punk ass that they said you were I banged your mother for your number I drove to her house in your apartment until I thought they would call the cops on me and no to bang you and nothing and I hear you stand two years later like nothing ever happened like you didn't just up and leave like the punk ass that you said you are that you are so yeah I'm wearing my rainbow badge with pride here's a fuck you no you know what sit down sit down sit down I'll do it with the kids I love the feeling of your fingers in my scalp I love it next time you don't even attempt to draw your hair you don't have to figure this shit out you got it yes okay good do you want me to braid your hair would you turn around let me see let me see baby you smell so good baby your skin is so sweet and soft baby let me take away your stress let me taste you just a little one promise to help the kids more I didn't clean the kitchen you found a snake it was just a garden snake I didn't dry my hair okay listening speaking accepting that black girl tells them now and then she's supposed to be in half in the middle of the night as we do