 Jochim, this is an existential life-and-death-question conversation going on here. This is not something small. Yesterday, also like last week in Tiruvannamalai, I fall in meditation sitting here, so it's very strong. This meditation is given by you, or it's just happening through me? I only give what I'm sitting here and doing, which is answering questions. I see. Yes. Basically, I want to speak about my accident, which I had many years ago. It's not a nice story. It's okay. You can speak. I've heard very horrible stories. I'm sure yours is not as horrible as what I've already heard here. It's like a question of life and death. Take your time. I just have the confidence to ask you because you spoke in Tiruvannamalai with Shiva. I wasn't aware that you know so much about women, because I have that kind of story. Many years ago, I met one Tantric woman the last evening of my relationship with her. Many years back, she became angry, then she went to the balcony and were meditating. I fall asleep very deeply. After that, when I woke up 20 minutes later, I lost all my energy. Also, I was totally disconnected to my soul and also my heart closed totally, as if she sealed myself. Since then, I'm not myself anymore. Even today, even if I have very deep meditations, they don't have any meaning to me. Even the beauty, whatever experience has no meaning for me. I don't know how to solve this problem. Last year, I approached a healing woman, this Russian woman. She said to me, if I cannot solve that problem sooner or later, I will die. What I also feel, because my life has no sense anymore. How long ago was this actually? Like 10 years ago. It happened also here in Rishikesh also. So you feel sort of cut off from your actual soul in that sense. Totally. It became soulless, soulless actually. No, you didn't become soulless. The ego assumes that the soul is not there. You know what I'm saying? Before that event, it was just like one hour, I mean, I became lifeless. I never had this kind of feeling of disconnecting to life. When I say the ego assumes that, it means that something has been done to ensure that the ego takes over and obscures the whole presence that that living presence is. Firstly, it is important for you to just tell yourself that the soul is there. You just don't feel it, but it doesn't mean it's not there. You know what I mean? When I talk about the antaratman, I talk about a material presence, not a concept in your head of the cosmic presence with which you identify, but a real, simple, very material presence. And it is there because it's there with everyone. So if we can establish, if you can establish in your thinking that the soul is there, I'm just not in touch with it, but it's there. That's the first thing to tell yourself, are you ready to tell yourself that? I can try. Because then you would stop holding on to the idea that there is no soul, that you don't have that, because that's what you feel now. You feel that it's not there, right? Yeah, but also I feel I feel totally betrayed by life or by my soul. The soul is not your life. The soul is an observer. It is the guru, the antar guru. If you go to it, if you bend down to it, it supports the actions into joy. In your case, you were in a... You manoeuvred yourself, the ego manoeuvred you into a situation where you were cut off from the connection with the soul. Because the very fact that you were with such a woman is an action of ego. It propelled you in the direction of someone that brings you suffering. I agree. And all. Thank you very much. But now the question is, how can I get rid of that accident? I'll tell you, first I have to energetically make you feel this presence also. You know what I mean? Because you're conceptually absorbing what I'm saying, but you're not actually absorbing it. First, we have time, we have two and a half hours, so we will get there. So that ego manoeuvred you into a situation and it took away the connection. It grew so big that you don't feel it anymore. So now there's a very simple thing. It's not a complex thing. If you want to make it complex, then yes. But we can also make it simple. And the simple thing is that you're him, you have to bend. It's about surrender now. It's about surrender, bend, bend. If you hold on to this idea which the ego is beautifully delivering to you every moment that there's no need to live, I have no reason to live, this soul is not there, I've lost my meaning of existence, etc, etc, etc. You'll continue to feed the ego and its machinations. But if you make the decision, I'm going to bend. Even if I don't feel the soul, I'm going to bend down, bend, bend, surrender, surrender. It's the master, it is there for me, I'll bend, I'll bend. As long as you are ready to bend down, you'll meet it very soon. Since that incident has happened in your life, you have not been guided into surrender of any kind. You're holding on to the ego, you're holding on to the idea that you've lost it. You've lost that. You were told that death will happen if this doesn't happen and that doesn't happen. So now that's what you're attached to. Let go of those stupid ideas. Can you let go? Or would you like to hold on to it? I don't know. Well, then you have to decide. I mean, if you decide that you want to die, that's also fine, you can also die. Two or three people will cry a little bit and the world will keep on turning. But if you decide, no, this life is quite something to embrace. Let me bend down now, let me feel the soul, the master. Not to identify and say, I am the cosmic soul and all that is happening is an illusion. And I'm not this and I'm not that. And those are conceptual journeys which can take you into something but not really actually give you that experience of surrender. Are you ready to bend down? It's only about surrender, physically bending down, emotionally bending down, conceptually bending down, not bending to the ego and its ideas that it's filling your head with, that you don't have a soul, you can't connect with it, you're going to die. Why? Why? What is the need for this thing to die unless the time is there? And why? Why? Why can't you bend down? Isn't it beautiful to just bend down? Isn't it something powerful to do? You know what I mean? By teaching I understand, like also from Rishikesh, from Tiruvannamalai, that I have to surrender to myself. Yes, to what else then? I can surrender to you, for example. That whole idea of surrendering to the other, to the Guru and so on is too difficult for most Westerners. Yeah, but I did, that was my practice all my life. Yes, and the final destination is anywhere there. Even if you, as much as you surrender to me, finally I'm going to throw you back on yourself. So why not take the short route? If you have anyway done it all this time. Jochim, this is an existential life and death question conversation going on here. This is not something small. And you have to make that decision now. This is the last two weeks I'm going to be available in public for a long time to come. Make the decision. Yeah, I made, since Tiruvannamalai, the decision to go to Vipassana to surrender totally to myself. Then why do you have to go to Vipassana for that? I feel the world is too much distraction. So that's what I feel. It's all a lot of conceptual gymnastics and pirouettes and it's simplification now. I understand, so then also I can take any room, I lock myself in my room and then I surrender to myself. But why do you have to lock yourself in a room to surrender to yourself? Why can't you surrender to yourself walking on the road when you go to buy some fruits at the fruit vendor? Why can't you surrender to yourself then? Surrendering to yourself means what? It means discerning between the action of the ego, between this loud shouting, clamouring, demanding ego and the quiet impulse, the subtle impulse of the source. That's what surrendering to self is. It's not locking yourself. Why is this locking up and forcing and pushing? It's a light sweetness. Surrendering is a light sweetness to this master, which is in action always. You go to the fruit vendor and you have to decide between an orange and an apple. That's when you surrender to soul. You stand there and you say, soul, soul, should I take an apple? You get a, no, it's a binary impulse that comes from the soul. You don't have to go into conceptual self-enquiry. It's not enquiry, it's asking a question. It doesn't sound very exotic, but it actually is a very sweet, very quiet, very tough sadhana and you're a tough guy. If you're tough enough to do vipassana, you might attempt this. It's much tougher than vipassana, but it's worth it because you'll start to connect with your soul rather than sit there and meditate for hours and hours and thoughts and this and that. You've done all of that stuff. You're not 25 years old, starting out on a spiritual journey. Stand there at the fruit seller and ask, soul, am I to buy this apple? You get a yes, you buy the apple, you get a no, you don't buy the apple. That is this sadhana, this practice. And then you ask, is it the right thing for me to take a walk on the Ganga? Yes. Then walk. No, then stand there. That's the sadhana. And if you focus on your soul, why would you be thinking of dying and that woman and she did this to me and that to me and you can cut her action in one second by starting to discern. Nobody can hide the soul from you if you decide to feel it. It's not a conceptual thing about, I'm not this, I'm not that. I am the soul. All this is an illusion. Neti, neti, neti. All of those things arise along the journey. They are not things to start out with. But then I understand. Start your sentences with and, not but. Because when you say but, then it's already, you've already negated what happened before. Just say and, so it's included. But I feel still the out, this was the outward. End, I feel. End, I feel. Yes, tell me what you feel. If I connect more deeply to myself, then why I should go shopping or whatever. Oh, you think that the soul is going to feed you or what? Put food in your mouth also. That also the soul has to do now. Even that you don't want to take responsibility for. What? The soul is your guide. It's the impulsing force of your existence. You don't have to identify with it. You simply have to be its servant. Flow with it, moment to moment. That is the purpose of your life. You said you have no purpose. The purpose is to be a servant of the soul. Just an instrument. To perfect yourself as an instrument in each moment in surrender, in surrender, in surrender, in surrender. Even if you don't feel anything, you still can ask the question, it's not going to hurt. Because you are not alone. You want to be alone, but you are not. If the soul is with you, you can't get rid of it. You're not alone. You don't really want to, you would like to hold on to your ideas that you're going to die soon. I mean, if you want to die, please. But you don't seem to be someone who wants to die. And you won't die if you start bending down to the soul. This is the ego in action. It's pushing, pushing its way through. Have you gone and bent? Do one thing, I have a great idea. Today is Shivaratri. Go to some Shiva temples and do a Sastanga Namaskar. Do it in front of a cow. Do it in front of... Choose three people here and say, excuse me, can I please do a Namaskar in front of you? Start bending to the soul in the other. Bend physically. Bend down your hem. It's sweet surrender. It's a beautiful state. But I don't get it. Again, maybe it's a habit. May I introduce you? We have another butt over here. Say. Basically, I have to surrender to myself, but not to the outside. You can surrender to everything, but surrender. Bend down your hem. When did you last do a Sastanga Namaskar? Actually, a flat out like that. When did you last do that? Yesterday. Oh, good. Where? Here. Oh, were you here yesterday? Ah, you came to the front. Oh, after I left. See, after I left. But at least it's a start, it's a start. I'm saying that that bending down is not about to the guru, to the temple, to the deity. If you're 25 years old, it's a different story. Now it's bending to everything and everyone, to her and her and her and her and her and him and him and her and him. It's that. It's sweet surrender. Bend down. Bend down to your master. Bend. Bend. Bend your hem. Bend. Bending outwards is surrendering to myself. Bending inward, outward, backward, leftward, rightward. It's all surrender, but it's bending. It's sweet surrender. See, see, see how, see what? It's this, it's this, it's this, it's this. It's just bending to your soul. The soul is your, it's the final destination. I still cling to the idea to make vipassana retreat because I was also quite successful. In the morning, I listened to the Shiva-Pavati story. It was mentioned how much Sadhana-Pavati made to gain Shiva. Then I was thinking, I have to make a severe... But your Sadhana may not be the same as hers. Maybe your Sadhana is a different one, you know? You also don't look like her. You're him, you're him, you're him. You are clinging to all your ideas. I'm trying to tell you something and you want to do things. I want to do vipassana, I want to do this. I'm saying the only thing to do is surrender, just bend down. I was also confused in the morning because Pavati was surrendering to something outside of her. But later she became one, so then for me also... Hmm, now I wonder what that meant. Could it be the same thing I'm saying? Could it? That if you surrender, you become one with it all. The process is simple. It is that if you take on your identity, you are your him. Your mother's son, born in whatever place you were born in, you take on that slim little identity, not more than that, just that. And this your him is in every moment trying to... His meditation is to disown... Is this action coming from the truth or is it coming from the ego? That's all. And when it's coming from the truth to go with it and to try as much as possible not to act from the ego, that is the sadhana. That's all there is to it, that's the sadhana. So then what happens is at one point you start to go more and more and more with the truth, more and more. The system becomes an instrument perfecting itself more and more and more as an instrument of the truth, your him. And then at one point your him disappears. Everything disappears, it's just this instrument aware that it is acting from the impulse of the soul, aware and acting, aware, doing in awareness that it is an instrument. This, this, this. That's what the meditation is and the sadhana is and the self-realization process is and the deepening of self-realization is. If you take up a meditation that deepens that process of self-realization, wonderful, a meditation that brings you to this present moment to discern between the action of the ego and the impulse of the truth. If that's your meditation then you're getting more and more in touch with the soul. If any kind of meditation is going to take you into an active doing awareness and connect with the soul then that is what is going to bring you here and now to this. And you'll feel your soul. Anything that takes you into a spaced-outness, moon experience, Mars experience, sun experience, cosmic experience will take you away. It will not bring you to this, it will take you away. But this I don't understand, like yesterday here I fall just in that meditation with you and it's mind-blowing but in a normal life I'm not interested. So I am interested only in that higher consciousness? No, you're just interested in escaping the pain. You're not interested in higher consciousness. You just don't want this life that you have to deal with people, you have to deal with money, you have to deal with job, you have to deal with house, you have to deal with paying the rent, you have to deal with the landlord. You're not interested in all that, you're interested in that. That is true. That's why you want to die. Yes. I'm saying if you don't want to die then this is the ishman. If you don't want to die then this is the way. If you want to die then that's the way. Obviously your meditations away from life have taken you into a need to leave the body. So if you don't want to leave the body, if you're not supposed to leave the body then you have to come back to this and deal with this because you haven't dealt with it. Face this one, face that one, ishman vavah. Face this one, face that one, face the other, face the landlord, face the wife, face the girlfriend, face the partner. Be here and now and transform the pain by acting from the truth. Not by detaching, ishman vavah. Not by detaching. I cannot find any joy in dealing with people, society, circumstances. So then what I do? Because for this life I don't need any feeling now hard and also no soul. You don't find the joy because you're not acting from the truth. You're going into everything from an ego state. The moment you start to feel your own soul you'll start to love. You're not able to love the other because you don't feel your own soul. You don't experience love within. It is not possible to just stand there and say, oh, I love you. If you don't even connect with your soul, how? If you take off into meditations that take you away into cosmic states of experience into samadhi states, they are not corporeal states. They are not material states. They are not terrestrial states. So obviously you won't want to deal with what's going on here. It was not my wish to go so far, but sorry, when I connected to my heart and I meet people, immediately they are asking my question. So there's no sharing whatsoever with my feelings. Obviously because you're not terrestrial. That's what I'm trying to say, screaming from all the rooftops for the last 20 years. Whenever you take up practices that take you away from here, from now and from this, at one point you can't deal with this anymore. And this can't deal with you anymore because you're a space cadet. People can't relate to someone who's not terrestrial and corporeal and present, who's a space cadet who's in a space suit out in the cosmos, in a space suit of meditation, of actual dissolution of identity. There's no you. So the reintegration into your system means you have to start to bend down to the soul. And then slowly you'll be able to understand the other. Now you're just seeing people asking me mind questions. I'm spaced, I mean I'm in a cosmic experience. I'm in an experience of oneness with presence and neti neti and all of this is not me. I'm not the doer. The doer is this, but I'm not that. These are all movements away from the reality of your existence and the this-ness of your existence. You have to come back to reality. That's why you're talking about wanting to die and saying this woman did that and someone else did that. No, you are allowing this to happen. It cannot absolve responsibility. But for me, life is totally painful. It's only painful because you've been going with ego. Tell me one thing. If you are in an enlightened state, so-called enlightened, you're in a cosmic state, you don't really feel the contours of your body so much, you're just in deep meditations. And you're more and more feeling like that. How are you going to deal with this? You'll have to come back at one point to deal with this. Ramana Maharshi had to do it. Sri Aurobindo had to do it. Anandamayima had to do it. Ramakrishna Parmasa had to do it. X, Y and Z had to do it because enlightenment is not the actual engaging with the materiality of your being. You have to engage with this. And this means, yes, it's painful, but it's painful because I've been away for 10 years. Now I'm coming back. I have to clean up the house. There are cobwebs everywhere. Everything is filthy. I have to take off my spacesuit. I don't know what to do with it because it's a big mess and I can't wash it because the washing machine is too small. Then put it aside. Then I have to clean all the cobwebs, take out everything. I have to repair all the furniture because it's broken down. I don't have a bank account anymore. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. Of course it's painful if you've been spacing out for so long, which is why I say any practice that's taking you there, I am that and this and that and that and that, is finally going to force you to become an I am this story, which is when the pain starts. Those things have to be cleaned up. You have to buy a vacuum cleaner to do it. And a broom and a bucket. You're him. This is the bell ringing. It's a love bell. Start to surrender to love. Not surrender to that. Not assume I am that, but surrender to love. Now you can sit down. There are many hands up. So I have to wait for the next immersive. You should have come to the immersive. Go further into that. So I wait for you. Thank you very much. You can donate all your money so that we can write our things faster. That might be an expression of surrender. Nice big fat donation. Money on the table. You're him money on the table.