 CHAPTER XIII While I was thus afflicted with so great perturbation of the spirit, and when the only way of escape seemed to be for me to seek refuge with Christ among the enemies of Christ, there came a chance whereby I thought I could for a while avoid the plottings of my enemies. But thereby I fell among Christians and monks who were far more savage than heathens, and more evil of life. The thing came about in this wise. There was in Lesser Brittany, in the bishopric of Van, a certain abbey of Saint Gildas at Rue, then mourning the death of its shepherd. To this abbey the elective choice of the brethren called me, with the approval of the prince of that land, and I easily secured permission to accept the post from my own abbot and brethren. Thus did the hatred of the French drive me westward, even as that of the Romans drove Jerome towards the east. However God knows would I have agreed to this thing, had it not been for my longing for any possible means of escape from the sufferings which I had borne so constantly. The land was barbarous, and its speech was unknown to me. As for the monks, their vile and untameable way of life was notorious almost everywhere. The people of the region too were uncivilised and lawless. Thus, like one who in terror of the sword that threatens him dashes headlong over a precipice, and to shun one death for a moment rushes to another, I knowingly sought this new danger in order to escape from the former one. And there, amid the dreadful roar of the waves of the sea, where the land's end left me no further refuge in flight, often in my prayers did I repeat over and over again. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee when my heart is overwhelmed. No one me thinks could fail to understand how persistently that undisciplined body of monks, the direction of which I had thus undertaken, tortured my heart day and night, or how constantly I was compelled to think of the danger alike to my body and to my soul. I held it for certain that if I should try to force them to live according to the principles they had themselves professed, I should not survive. And yet, if I did not do this to the utmost of my ability, I saw that my damnation was assured. Moreover, a certain lord who was exceedingly powerful in that region had some time previously brought the abbey under his control, taking advantage of the state of disorder within the monastery to seize all the lands adjacent there too for his own use, and he ground down the monks with taxes heavier than those which were extorted from the Jews themselves. The monks pressed me to supply them with their daily necessities, but they held no property in common which I might administer in their behalf, and each one, with such resources as he possessed, supported himself and his concubines as well as his sons and daughters. They took delight in harassing me on this matter, and they stole and carried off whatsoever they could lay their hands on, to the end that my failure to maintain order might make me either give up trying to enforce discipline or else abandon my post altogether. Since the entire region was equally savage, lawless and disorganised, there was not a single man to whom I could turn for aid, for the habits of all alike were foreign to me. Inside the monastery, the Lord and his henchmen ceaselessly hounded me, and within its walls the brethren were forever plotting against me, so that it seemed as if the apostle had had me and none other in mind when he said, without were fighting, within were fears, to Corinthians chapter 7 verse 5. I considered and lamented the uselessness and the wretchedness of my existence, how fruitless my life now was both to myself and to others. How of old I had been of some service to the clerics whom I had now abandoned for the sake of these monks, so that I was no longer able to be of use to either. How incapable I had proved myself in everything I had undertaken or attempted, so that above all others I deserved the reproach, this man began to build and was not able to finish. Luke chapter 14 verse 30. My despair grew still deeper when I compared the evils I had left behind with those to which I had come, for my former sufferings now seemed to me as nought. Full often did I groan, justly has this sorrow come upon me, because I deserted the paraclete, which is to say the consola, and thrust myself into sure desolation, seeking to shun threats I fled to certain peril. The thing which tormented me most was the fact that having abandoned my oratory, I could make no suitable provision for the celebration there of the divine office, for indeed the extreme poverty of the place would scarcely provide the necessities of one man. But the true paraclete himself brought me real consolation in the midst of this sorrow of mine, and made all due provision for his own oratory. But it chanced that in some manner or other, laying claim to it as having legally belonged in earlier days to his monastery, my abbot of Saint Denis got possession of the Abbey of Argente, of which I have previously spoken, wherein she who was now my sister in Christ rather than my wife Eloise had taken the veil. From this Abbey he expelled by force all the nuns who had dwelt there, and of whom my former companion had become the Prioresse. The exiles being thus dispersed in various places, I perceived that this was an opportunity presented by God himself to me, whereby I could make provision anew for my oratory. And so, returning thither, I bade her come to the oratory, together with some others from the same convent who had clung to her. On their arrival there, I made over to them the oratory, together with everything pertaining thereto. And subsequently, through the approval and assistance of the bishop of the district, Pope Innocent II promulgated a decree confirming my gift in perpetuity to them and their successors. And this refuge of divine mercy, which they served so devotedly, soon brought them consolation, even though at first their life there was one of want, and for a time of utter destitution. But the place proved itself a true paraclete to them, making all those who dwelt round about feel pity and kindliness for the sisterhood, so that me thinks they prospered more through gifts in a single year, than I should have done if I had stayed there a hundred. True it is that the weakness of womankind makes their needs and sufferings appeal strongly to people's feelings, as likewise it makes their virtue all the more pleasing to God and man. And God granted such favour in the eyes of all to her who was now my sister, and who was in authority over the rest, that the bishops loved her as a daughter, the abbots as a sister, and the laity as a mother. All alike marvelled at her religious seal, her good judgment, and the sweetness of her incomparable patience in all things. The less often she allowed herself to be seen, shutting herself up in herself to devote herself to sacred meditations and prayers, the more eagerly did those who dwelt without demand her presence and the spiritual guidance of her words. Chapter 14 Before long all those who dwelt their abouts began to censure me roundly, complaining that I paid far less attention to their needs than I might and should have done, and that at least I could do something for them through my preaching. As a result, I returned thither frequently to be of service to them in whatsoever way I could. Regarding this, there was no lack of hateful murmuring, and the thing which sincere charity induced me to do was seized upon by the wickedness of my detractors as the subject of shameless outcry. They declared that I, who of old could scarcely endure to be parted from her I loved, was still swayed by the delights of fleshly lust. Many times I thought of the complaint of Saint Jerome in his letter to Acela regarding those women whom he was falsely accused of loving, when he said, Epistle 99, I am charged with nothing save the fact of my sex, and this charge is made only because Paola is setting forth to Jerusalem. And again, before I became intimate in the household of the saintly Paola, the whole city was loud in my praise, and nearly everyone deemed me deserving of the highest honours of priesthood. And I know that my way to the kingdom of heaven lies through good and evil report alike. When I pondered over the injury which slander had done to so greater man as this, I was not a little consoled thereby. If my rivals, I told myself, could but find an equal cause for suspicion against me, with what accusations would they persecute me? And how is it possible for such suspicion to continue in my case, seeing that divine mercy has freed me therefrom by depriving me of all power to enact such baseness? How shameless is this latest accusation! In truth that which had happened to me so completely removes all suspicion of this iniquity among all men, that those who wish to have their women kept under close guard employ eunuchs for that purpose, even as sacred history tells regarding Esther and the other damsels of King Ahasuerus, Esther chapter 2 verse 5. We read too of that eunuch of great authority under Queen Candace, who had charge of all her treasure, him to whose conversion and baptism the apostle Philip was directed by an angel. Acts chapter 8 verse 27. Such men in truth are enabled to have far more importance and intimacy among modest and upright women by the fact that they are free from any suspicion of lust. The sixth book of the ecclesiastical history tells us that the greatest of all Christian philosophers, origin, inflicted a like injury on himself with his own hand, in order that all suspicion of this nature might be completely done away with in his instruction of women in sacred doctrine. In this respect I thought God's mercy had been kinder to me than to him, for it was judged that he had acted most rashly and had exposed himself to no slight censure, whereas the thing had been done to me through the crime of another, thus preparing me for a task similar to his own. Moreover it had been accomplished with much less pain, being so quick and sudden, for I was heavy with sleep when they laid hands on me and felt scarcely any pain at all. But alas, I thought, the less I then suffered from the wound the greater is my punishment now through slander, and I am tormented far more by the loss of my reputation than I was by that part of my body. Or thus it is written, a good name is rather to be chosen than great riches. Proverbs 22 verse 1. And as St Augustine tells us in a sermon of his on the life and conduct of the clergy, he is cruel who trusting in his conscience neglects his reputation. Then he says, Let us provide those things that are good as the apostle bids us, Romans 12, 17, not alone in the eyes of God, but likewise in the eyes of men. Within himself each one's conscience suffices, but for our own sakes our reputations ought not to be tarnished, but to flourish. Conscience and reputation are different matters. Conscience is for yourself, reputation for your neighbour. He thinks the spite of such men as these my enemies would have accused the very Christ himself, or those belonging to him, prophets and apostles or the other holy fathers, if such spite had existed in their time, seeing that they associated in such familiar intercourse with women, and this though they were whole of body. On this point St Augustine, in his book on the duty of monks, proves that women followed our Lord Jesus Christ and the apostles as inseparable companions, even accompanying them when they preached. Chapter 4 Faithful women, he says, who were possessed of worldly wealth went with them, and ministered to them out of their wealth, so that they might lack none of those things which belong to the substance of life. And if any one does not believe that the apostles thus permitted saintly women to go about with them, wheresoever they preached the gospel, let him listen to the gospel itself and learn therefrom that in so doing they followed the example of the Lord. For in the gospel it is written thus, and it came to pass afterward that he went throughout every city and village, preaching and showing the glad tidings of the kingdom of God, and the twelve were with him, and certain women which had been healed of evil spirits and infirmities, Mary called Magdalene, and Joanna the wife of chooser Herod Steward, and Susanna, and many others which ministered unto him of their substance. Luke Chapter 8, Verses 1-3 Leo IX, furthermore, in his reply to the letter of Parmenianos concerning monastic zeal, says, we unequivocally declare that it is not permissible for a bishop, priest, deacon or subdeacon, to cast off all responsibility for his own wife on the grounds of religious duty, so that he no longer provides her with food and clothing, albeit he may not have carnal intercourse with her. We read that thus did the Holy Apostles Act, for Saint Paul says, have we not power to lead about a sister, a wife, as well as other apostles, and as the brethren of the Lord and Cephas? 1 Corinthians Chapter 9, Verse 5 Observe foolish man, that he does not say, have we not power to embrace a sister, a wife, but he says to lead about, meaning thereby that such women may lawfully be supported by them out of the wages of their preaching, but that there must be no carnal bond between them. Certainly that Pharisee, who spoke within himself of the Lord, saying, this man, if he were a prophet, would have known who and what manner of woman this is that touches him, for she is a sinner. Luke Chapter 7, Verse 39 Might much more reasonably have suspected baseness of the Lord, considering the matter from a purely human standpoint, than my enemies could suspect it of me, one who had seen the mother of our Lord entrusted to the care of the young man, John 19.27, or who had beheld the prophets dwelling and suchaning with widows, 1 Kings Chapter 17, Verse 10, would likewise have had a far more logical ground for suspicion. And what would my Columniators have said if they had but seen Malchus, that captive monk of whom Saint Jerome writes, living in the same hut with his wife? Doubtless they would have regarded it as criminal in the famous scholar to have highly commended what he thus saw, saying thereof there was a certain old man named Malchus, a native of this region, and his wife with him in his hut. Both of them were earnestly religious, and they so often passed the threshold of the church, that you might have thought them the Zacharias and Elizabeth of the Gospel, saving only that John was not with them. Why finally do such men refrain from slandering the Holy Fathers, of whom we frequently read nay, and have even seen with our own eyes, founding convents for women, and making provision for their maintenance, thereby following the example of the seven deacons whom the Apostles sent before them to secure food and take care of the women? Acts Chapter 6, Verse 5, for the weaker sex needs the help of the stronger one, to such an extent that the Apostle proclaimed that the head of the woman is ever the man. 1 Corinthians, Chapter 11, Verse 3, and in sign thereof he bade her ever where her head covered, Ibidem 5. For this reason I marvel greatly at the customs which have crept into monasteries, whereby even as abbots are placed in charge of the men, abbesses are now given authority over the women, and the women bind themselves in their vows to accept the same rules as the men. Yet in these rules there are many things which cannot possibly be carried out by women, either as superiors or in the lower orders. In many places we may even behold an inversion of the natural order of things, whereby the abbesses and nuns have authority over the clergy, and even over those who are themselves in charge of the people. The more power such women exercise over men, the more easily can they lead them into iniquitous desires, and in this way can lay a very heavy yoke upon their shoulders. It was with such things in mind that the satirist said, There is nothing more intolerable than a rich woman. CHAPTER XV Reflecting often upon all these things, I determined to make provision for those sisters and to undertake their care in every way I could. Furthermore, in order that they might have the greater reverence for me, I arranged to watch over them in person, and since now the persecution carried on by my sons was greater and more incessant than that which I formerly suffered at the hands of my brethren, I returned frequently to the nuns, fleeing the rage of the tempest as to a haven of peace. There indeed could I draw breath for a little in quiet, and among them my labours were fruitful, as they never were among the monks. All this was of the utmost benefit to me in body and soul, and it was equally essential for them by reason of their weakness. But now has Satan beset me to such an extent that I no longer know where I may find rest, or even so much as live. I am driven hither and yon, a fugitive and a vagabond, even as they accursed Cain. Genesis 4 verse 14, I have already said that without were fightings, within were fears, to Corinthian 7.5, and these torture me ceaselessly, the fears being indeed without, as well as within, and the fightings were so ever there are fears. Nay, the persecution carried on by my sons rages against me more perilously and continuously than that of my open enemies, for my sons I have always with me, and I am ever exposed to their treacheries. The violence of my enemies I see in the danger to my body if I leave the cloister, but within it I am compelled incessantly to endure the crafty machinations, as well as the open violence of those monks who are called my sons, and who are entrusted to me as their abbot, which is to say their father. Oh, how often they have tried to kill me with poison, even as the monks sought to slay and benedict! Methinks the same reason which led the saint to abandon his wicked sons might encourage me to follow the example of so great a father, lest in thus exposing myself to certain peril, I might be deemed a rash tempter of God rather than a lover of him, nay, lest it might even be judged that I had thereby taken my own life. When I had safeguarded myself to the best of my ability, so far as my food and drink were concerned against their daily plottings, they sought to destroy me in the very ceremony of the altar by putting poison in the chalice. One day when I had gone to Nantes to visit the Count, who was then sick, and while I was suchining a while in the house of one of my brothers in the flesh, they arranged to poison me with the connivance of one of my attendants, believing that I would take no precautions to escape such a plot. That divine providence so ordered matters that I had no desire for the food which was set before me. One of the monks whom I had brought with me ate thereof, not knowing that which had been done, and straightway fell dead. As for the attendant who had dared to undertake this crime, he fled in terror alike of his own conscience and of the clear evidence of his guilt. After this, as their wickedness was manifest to everyone, I began openly in every way I could to avoid the danger with which their plots threatened me, even to the extent of leaving the abbey and dwelling with a few others apart in little cells. If the monks knew beforehand that I was going anywhere on a journey, they bribed bandits to waylay me on the road and kill me. And while I was struggling in the midst of these dangers, it chanced one day that the hand of the Lord smoked me a heavy blow, for I fell from my horse, breaking a bone in my neck, the injury causing me greater pain and weakness than my former wound. Using excommunication as my weapon to coerce the untamed rebelliousness of the monks, I forced certain ones among them, whom I particularly feared, to promise me publicly, pledging their faith or swearing upon the sacrament that they would thereafter depart from the abbey and no longer trouble me in any way. Shamelessly and openly did they violate the pledges they had given and their sacramental oaths, but finally they were compelled to give this and many other promises under oath in the presence of the Count and the bishops by the authority of the Pontiff of Rome, innocent, who sent his own legate for this special purpose. And yet even this did not bring me peace, for when I returned to the abbey after the expulsion of those whom I have just mentioned and entrusted myself to the remaining brethren of whom I felt less suspicion, I found them even worse than the others. I barely succeeded in escaping them with the aid of a certain nobleman of the district, for they were planning not to poison me indeed, but to cut my throat with a sword. Even to the present time I stand face to face with this danger, fearing the sword which threatens my neck, so that I can scarcely draw a free breath between one meal and the next. Even so do we read of him who, reckoning the power and heaped-up wealth of the tyrant Dionysius as a great blessing, beheld the sword secretly hanging by a hair above his head, and so learned what kind of happiness comes as the result of worldly power. Cicero, fifth Tusculan disputation. Thus did I too learn by constant experience, I who had been exalted from the condition of a poor monk to the dignity of an abbot, that my wretchedness increased with my wealth, and I would that the ambition of those who voluntarily seek such power might be curbed by my example. And now most dear brother in Christ, and comrade closest to me in the intimacy of speech, it should suffice for your sorrows and the hardships you have endured that I have written this story of my own misfortunes, amid which I have toiled almost from the cradle. For so, as I said in the beginning of this letter, shall you come to regard your tribulation as nought, or at any rate as little in comparison with mine, and so shall you bear it more lightly in measure as you regard it as less. Speak comfort ever in the saying of our Lord, what he foretold for his followers at the hands of the followers of the devil. If they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you. John chapter 15 verse 20. If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you. If ye were of the world, the world would love his own. Ibedem verses 18 and 19. And the apostle says, all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution. 2 Timothy chapter 3 verse 12. And elsewhere he says, I do not seek to please men, for if I yet pleased men I should not be the servant of Christ. Galatians 1.10. And the psalmist says, they who have been pleasing to men have been confounded, for that God hath despised them. Commenting on this, Saint Jerome, whose air me thinks I am in the endurance of foul slander, says in his letter to Nepotanus. The apostle says, if I yet pleased men I should not be the servant of Christ. He no longer seeks to please men, and so is made Christ's servant. Epistle 2. And again in his letter to Arcella regarding those whom he was falsely accused of loving, I give thanks to my God that I am worthy to be one whom the world hates. And to the monk Heliodorus he writes, you are wrong, brother, you are wrong if you think there is ever a time when the Christian does not suffer persecution, for our adversary goes about as a roaring lion, seeking what he may devour, and do you still think of peace? Nay, he lieth in ambush among the rich. Inspired by those records and examples, we should endure our persecutions all the more steadfastly, the more bitterly they harm us. We should not doubt that even if they are not according to our desserts, at least they serve for the purifying of our soul. And since all things are done in accordance with the divine ordering, let everyone of true faith console himself amid all his afflictions with the thought that the great goodness of God permits nothing to be done without reason, and brings to a good end whatsoever may seem to happen wrongfully. Wherefore rightly do all men say, thy will be done, and great is the consolation to all lovers of God in the Word of the Apostle, when he says, we know that all things work together for good to them that love God. Romans 8.28 The wise man of old had this in mind when he said in his Proverbs, there shall no evil happen to the just, Proverbs 12.21 By this he clearly shows that whosoever grows wrathful for any reason against his sufferings has therein departed from the way of the just, because he may not doubt that these things have happened to him by divine dispensation. Even such are those who yield to their own rather than to the divine purpose, and with hidden desires resist the spirit which echoes in the words, thy will be done, thus placing their own will ahead of the will of God.