 Company, makers of those fine-fetched products, presentialist fey. You'll never know just how much I love you. You'll never know just how much I love you. With me to Alabama, let's go to Cured Hammy. David Hammy. And that's what I like about the style. Last week at the University of Southern California, the usual decorum of this venerable institution was somewhat shaken by the fact of one Phil Harris. While it's only an adult extension course, Phil is taking it very seriously. Last Monday was his first day in school, a day which began about 9 a.m. as Phil prepared to leave the house. Are you sure you have everything, Phil? Yeah, I think so, Alice. Well, let's check them over again. Books? Books. Fountain pen? Fountain pen. Briefcase? Briefcase? Briefcase? Bubblegum? Yeah, 27 pieces. And then I got a piece all broke in under the desk, too. And here's the putty knife to scrape it off my face. Hey, where's the button USC gave me to wear on my beanie? Oh, here. See, this is quite a slogan they have on here for next week's game. Will murder UCLA. Yeah, but I don't think they're too confident of winning. Why? Well, it's possible, and on the other side, it says, well, weather permitting. Phil's first week in college was a rather difficult one, as demonstrated by an incident which took place in class last Thursday. Professor Whiteside. Yes, Mr. Harris? You're going to have to change my seat again. What is it this time? Well, I can't concentrate. That girl behind me keeps dipping my curls in a rink well. A series of such incidents coupled with an inherent allergy to learning left our hero by Friday in a somewhat puzzle frame of mind. Phil, it's 9.30. Aren't you due down at USC? Yeah, honey, but I don't think I'll go today. Why not? I thought you were doing so well in your basket weaving class. Yeah, I was, but they gave us a test yesterday. How did you make out? Not so good, honey. After the test, they told me I was still two years away from the leather-burning group. Well, what kind of a test did they give you in basket weaving? Oh, the professor looked at everybody's work and then he gave each one a grade. What grade did you get? I didn't get no grade. He didn't give me one. When he came to mine, he just read a little poem. Oh, that's wonderful. What did he say? A tisket, a tasket. Who made this lousy basket? Oh, honey. Honey, if you were having so much trouble in school, my brother said he'd be glad to help you. Your brother? He's a tim-head, Incorporate. Brother. Don't be silly. My brother was a brilliant student at CCNY while he's got an MA, a Ph.D. and an LLD. Yeah, well, when's the bum going to get a J.O.B.? Mr. Martin, say Alice said the children were up here with you. Yes, they were a minute ago. I was giving them a little geography lesson. Oh, you were, huh? Hey, Governor, what's this big ball here? A globe, Mr. Harris, a map of the world. Yeah? How come you got a round one? Mr. Harris, the Earth is round. The Earth is round? No, kid. Hey, wait a little, Alice finds out about this. Well, I'd better get my things together. I thought I'd take the children outside for a little nature study this afternoon. Outside? Well, you better be careful. There's still a pretty strong undertow by the sundial. Well, Mr. Harris, I really don't mind your California weather. You know, we English have always been a seafaring people. Oh, Governor, you're really cooking with Marvel now. I knew that wasn't going to get that, and I knew it would. Say, you got a lot of books here, haven't you, Mr. Martin? Yes, I'm quite an avid reader in my spare time. Yeah. Hey, this must be a new novel. Here, this one, Annie's Lit on a Bicycle. Let me see that. Oh, no, Mr. Harris, that's analytical psychology. What? What is it? Well, it's a method used in psychiatry. As you know, a psychiatrist can often change a man's whole personality. Is that right? Oh, yes. Often they can take a shy, hesitant person and turn him into a strong, willed, domineering individual. Yeah, well, I think they overdid a little with John L. Lois. I thought you were staying home today, and then Sissy told me you went off in the car. Yeah, I know. I'm down here on Wilshire Boulevard. But, Phil, you had your hair done last week. No, I'm in the professional building. I'm going to see one of them psychiatrists, fellas. A psychiatrist? Yeah, Mr. Martin told me that they can change a guy's whole personality. Phil, I don't want you to change. All this nonsense about college and education was your idea. But, honey, I need something like this. After all, I've got to have something to fall back on when my youth and beauty are gone. Phil, it's ridiculous. You're going to a psychiatrist. Well, I don't know. Now, it might not be a bad idea. This guy may be able to bring out my personality. Bring out your personality? Look, Phil, if they brought it out any farther, nobody could stand you. All right, wise guy. Go ahead. Stifle the tender blossom of gentility. What? Oh, never mind. I'll see you later. Bye. An old proverb says, the beauty of the heavens is the stars. The beauty of women is their hair. Yes, and that's why countless beauty-wise women give careful beauty care to their hair with regular use of Fitch's Dandruff Remover Shampoo. Or Fitch Shampoo guards the loveliness of the hair, giving it the shining sparkle of exquisite jewels, leaving it soft and manageable, a real beauty asset. Whether you have blonde, red, brunette, or any other color, whether you have blonde, red, brunette, or gray hair, Fitch is the shampoo for you, for Fitch Shampoo is good for all colors and textures of hair. And if shampoo is so gentle, it will not harm even a baby's tender scalp. Discriminating women like Fitch Shampoo because Fitch is completely soluble in water and only an ordinary water rinse is necessary. Fitch Dandruff Remover Shampoo rinses out thoroughly and quickly in either hard or soft water, revealing natural highlights in your hair. It's the shampoo you can depend on for exacting hair beauty care. Fitch is spelled F-I-T-C-H. Wait for me, sir. Okay. Back to the line, back to the office. It's right down the hall. Thank you. Stars fell on Alabama We kissed in a field of white and stars fell on Alabama Oh, lady, say, didn't I run into you over at USC last week? That you did, you bomb-headed jobber now, and it was to shed myself of the likes of you that I quit my job and came over here, locked stock and bucket. Well, I'm very sorry, lady. You see, I just happen to be looking for a psychiatrist. Oh, a psychiatrist is it? Well, if you're asking me, it ain't a minute too soon. But, Miss Bucket... Ah, get along with you now before I wash your mouth out with the bottle of Clorox. Democrat. Here's Dr. Linebach's office right here. Well, Mr. Harris, one of the principles of psychoanalysis is for me to come to know you as well as possible. Now, suppose you begin by telling me a little about your background. For instance, was your youth a happy one? Oh, yeah, sure. My father and I were great pals. We'd always go out together. Yeah. Well, before we continue, I don't believe you told me your present occupation. Well, I'm a band leader. Ah, a musician. No, a band leader. I see. Well, to what school of music do you subscribe? Bognerian? Romantic? Impressionistic? Uh, gut bucket. A gut bucket. Well, perhaps if you continue talking at random about your background, perhaps if you continue talking at random about yourself, you will unconsciously reveal something else of value. Now, just keep rambling on and say anything that comes into your head. I can say anything. Well, let me see. Well, I remember when I started with my first band in Nashville, Tennessee, we had a sharp little outfit, too, Psyche. We was billed as Jeter Harris and his tobacco road playboys. Yes, sir, we was really ready. Now, we opened it a little joint on First Street. It is. Go on. Go on. Cohen Southern Ratskeller. I can hear that outfit playing now, Psyche. We had one number that was murder. Murder. And I sing with delight as I spend most the night in that billowy ocean with you. Last night I dreamed that I was down in the bottom of the sea in this sully water. And I met a maiden fair who had a cottage there. Of course, she didn't have it in her own name, but in a way she had it. And she had a tale of a fish for a train, but whoa, now whoa, how that gal did entertain. And what a time I had with Minnie, the mermaid down in the bottom of the sea. I lost all my troubles in amongst the bubbles while she was just as sweet as she could be. And every night when the starfish came out, I hugged and kissed her so. Whoa, whoa, what a time I had with Minnie, the mermaid down in her seaweed bungalow. Down in her seaweed bungalow. Whoa, whoa, what a time I had with Minnie, the mermaid down in the bottom of the sea. I lost all my troubles in amongst those bubbles while she was just as cute as she could be. And every night when the starfish came out, I hugged and kissed her so. Whoa, whoa, what a time I had with Minnie, the mermaid down in her seaweed bungalow. Whoa, whoa, down in her seaweed bungalow. Many brave hearts are asleep in the deep. So beware. Yes, Phyllis. What do your children want? Oh, nothing. We just wondered where Daddy was today. Well, Alice, your Daddy went downtown to see a psychiatrist. What's a psychiatrist? Well, a psychiatrist is sort of a doctor. Oh, is Daddy going to have a baby? Oh, no, of course not. He thinks the psychiatrist will bring out his personality. Oh, Murd. Phyllis, you stop that. Mommy, is Daddy still going to school to college? Well, I don't know, Alice. Why couldn't he take lessons from our tutor, Mr. Merton? Well, honey, a grown man like you would never know if he could study the same lessons as you children. Yes, he could, Mommy. We'd go slow until he caught up. Why, with that mind of his, your father's liable to set the car to be back 20 years. I'd love to hear a little of that conversation. Well, Mr. Harris, listening to you talk about your past life and delving into your subconscious made this a most, shall I say, unusual half hour? In fact, I've learned a few things about human behavior that I never even suspected. Yeah, Doc, I was a dog, wasn't I? That's not exactly the psychological term, but it will suffice. Now, about this Frankie person you mentioned, your guitar player. I take it he's an old friend? Oh, yeah, Frankie. Why, me and him been cutting up touches for a hundred years. You know, I'll never forget the first time I ran into Frankie. He was singing and playing his guitar down on Rampart Street in New Orleans, and I happened to be walking by and the guy he was really... You are my sunshine. Right, buddy, you know, you play a pretty good guitar there. How come a guy... how come a guy like you is desperate, pal? Was either this or Lombardo. Well, don't knock it, kid. There ain't no tin cup in his outfit. Well, I like your style pretty well. Say, why don't you quit this racket and sign up with my band? Yeah? What's your name? Phil Harris. Mr. Harris, our most significant episode. Now, I understand you are married. Suppose you tell me something about your wife. For instance, how did you meet her? Well, she was in the great big show in New York. And I thought she was the most beautiful girl that I'd ever seen. And for three weeks, I stood outside the stage door every night just to watch her come out. I see. I see. And finally, I prepared a beautiful speech to say to her. Then one night, my dreams come true. She spoke to me. Excuse me, Sonny. I've noticed you standing out here every night for three weeks. Tell me, was there something you wanted to say to me? Yes, Miss Faye. I... Well, this is all very interesting, Mr. Harris. But when did you actually propose to Miss Faye? Oh, well, that was a few years ago. You see, we were parked down by the ocean at Malibu. And I reached over and I took her hand. Oh, it's a lovely night, isn't it, Phil? Yeah. Sure is, gorgeous. Phil, have you ever parked out here with any other girl? No. Of course not, honey. Well, since I met you, I haven't even thought about another girl. Really? Oh, that's awfully sweet of you. You know, that moon up there tonight, this is the perfect setting for something... something I want to ask you. What is it, Phil? Will you marry me, Paulette? Oh! This has all been very helpful, Mr. Harris. Now, as you know, we psychiatrists attach great importance to dreams. Do you ever have any unusual dreams? Yes, sir. Yes, I do, doctor. You know, I keep dreaming I'm on a gold bandstand in Carnegie Hall with a diamond baton. I'm leading an orchestra composed of 100 men and a girl, and each one of those men is Phil Harris. I see a nightmare. When they play, do you enjoy the music? I don't know. It's always so lousy it wakes me up. Ah, that's very interesting. But tell me, in your dream, who is this girl? That's the awful part of it. She's Petrello. Well, Mr. Harris, you've been very helpful in this little interview. Of course, I shall consult my colleagues on your case, but, offhand, I'd say that your mental processes reveal to me what is known as a mignoline. Hiya, gorgeous, you laughing boy at home. Hello, honey. What are you so happy about? Oh, nail me down, kid. I'm riding high. I'm happier than Tom Brennan with an old lady from Fiori. You must have done all right with that psychiatrist. All right, man. I was dynamite. Well, tell me about it. Oh, I really laid it on him, kid. First, he talked to me for a while, then he gave me a lot of tests, and then you know what he said? He told me that he was involved with a powerful Narcissus complex. The psychiatrist said that? Yeah, that alone was worth a 200 bucks. Don't forget you got a hundred of it now. The doctor was so excited, he called in six of his buddies to look at me, and they said they'd never seen anything like it. I can imagine. Then another one of them psychics measured my head with a pair of ice tongs. Sure, he said he wished some guy named Darwin was alive, or Darwin. I kept asking for a guy named Darwin. Oh, Phil, they didn't actually measure your head. They did, too. And you want to know something? It's grown five inches since I had my own show. Only five inches? Sure. Hey, get your mother on the phone with you. I can't wait to tell her all about what them guys said. Well, wait a minute, honey. Now, this isn't exactly the sort of thing to tell my mother. Anyway, she's not home. Sure, she's home. She always gets through at the roundhouse by three. Phil. Go on, call her now. I'll make her take back some of them things she said about me. What did she ever say? Well, she said my eyes were set too close together. For one thing, and she also told everybody that our marriage wouldn't last. Phil, mother never thought that at all. Then how come after we were married she parked in front of the house for three weeks with a motor running? Then here by yourself with the lights out. Oh, honey, leave me alone, will you? But what's the matter? What's the matter about me? Against the wall. Well, I can't help it. He told me all that stuff the psychiatrist said means that I'm conceited. Now, you know that ain't true. Well, you'll have to admit you are rather fond of yourself. No, more than any other beautiful creature. Well, I can't help it. Them doctors were saying mean things about me. Well, I don't care what they say, Phil. I think you're pretty wonderful. That's the way you are. Do you, honey? Of course. I consider myself the luckiest one finding a boy like you. What did I do to deserve a break like this? You're a bundle of joy, a barrel of fun, a hundred percent IQ. You've got everything. And I've got you like a duck. Takes to water like the flowers take to do. Like a Latin takes to a Latin quarter. I'll take to you like a fish takes to swim. Like the Irish take to stew. Like a Scorchman takes to his pipe and slipper. I'll take to you like sweet and low. Yes and no, like garlic, gosh and oh, jeez. They all go together and a honey. So do we. Like a sharp haze to straighten. Like the French to Hollywood. Like a southern takes to a few mid-Julips. I'll take to you, baby. I'll take to you when it's so big. Like a star takes to gleaming. Like a moonbeam to the blue. Like a lover takes to a night of dreaming. I'll take to you. Back in just a moment. Have you ever heard a person described as one who really know that could well apply to anyone who uses pitch dandruff remover shampoo to keep his or her hair dandruff free, refreshingly clean. 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I went to college to get some education and I saw that psychiatrist to try and improve myself and, well, everyone's against me. But, Phil, how many times have I told you in spite of whatever happened, you'll always, always have me? I know, baby, but money isn't everything. Tune in next week when the F.W. Pitch Company again brings you the Pitch Bandwagon with Alice Faye and Phil Harris. This program is written by Joe Connolly and Bob Mosier, directed by Paul Phillips with original music composed and conducted by Walter Sharp. Included in the cast were Janine Roos and Whitfield and Elliot Lewis. Alice Faye appears to the courtesy of 20th Century Fox. Pitch is ideal hair tonic daily. It makes your scalp tingle with that feeling of new pep and light. Pitch's ideal is not sticky or greasy, so pep up your scalp and give your hair that well-groomed look with Pitch's ideal hair tonic. Phil Foreman speaking.