 The Voice of America presents the halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. This is Ronald Coleman. And Benita Coleman. Inviting you to join us again on the campus of Ivy College. To Ivy, Ivy College, that is, in the town of Ivy, USA. This evening, Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall is attending a Board of Governors meeting, leaving his wife, Victoria, to preside at number one faculty role. It's still early, and Mrs. Hall has found the right book and the right chair, well-prepared to spend the next couple of hours in gainful solitude, when suddenly she hears the front door knob turn, the door slowly open and close, and footsteps approach the living room. Who's there? Don't make no trouble, sister. This is an inside job. Oh, well, come right inside. You'll find the petty cash in the cookie jar in the kitchen, and the silver's in the sideboard. Pardon me, Vicki, but in the interest of accuracy, I must inform you that there is no petty cash in the cookie jar. I raided it this morning. I couldn't bear the pathetic spectacle of Professor Quincannon's three children staring hungrily at a passing ice-cream wagon. Well, that was very sweet of you. But what happened tonight? I didn't expect you for at least another hour. And there is no silver in the sideboard either. Mrs. Quincannon borrowed it. Yeah, but what did the Board of Governors do? It seems that a caravan of relatives from smack-over Arkansas have bivouacked for the night in the professor's backyard. They were footing up the tents as I passed by, and the fragrance of toasted marshmallows over the open campfire was overpowering. Yes, but what did the Board of Governors mean? You know, I am sometimes convinced that the seat of memory lies in the old factory organ. What do you mean the old factory organ is a ridiculous idea? Now, organs in factories, even in old factories, may be good psychologically, and increase production, but who knows where it will all end? Organs, brass bands, square dancing, people leaving their machines to form quartets in corners. The organists saying the can-can in the bottling department roll out the bottle, I mean in the canning department. And filthy and deep old barrel department, it's confusion. Victoria. It's chaos. Mrs. Hall. I suppose there might be a little swing on the swing shift, but I... Oh, excuse me, what did you say? I said old factory from the Latin, old factors, meaning the sense of smell. What about it? Well, I haven't the slightest idea what I started... Oh, yes, yes. What? I was about to say that to me at least certain smells have the power of summoning up nostalgic images. The spicy cinnamon scent of carnations, for instance, makes me think of the day we were married. You had one in your buttonhole. Yes, a white one. And there's a lovely smell of new moon lawns. Oh, I know. Our first day in this house, they'd just cut the grass. Yes, and the gentle and melancholy fragrance of burning leaves. The pre-football game Bonfire's the first autumn you were with me here at Ivy. And there is peppermint. It always reminds me of the little sweet shop in Yorkshire where we took refuge from the rain. And where you made the remark about Yorkshire pudding, the triumph of mind over batter. Yes, I... Charlie, do all these fragrances remind you of something we did together? You know it hadn't occurred to me, but I believe they do. Good heavens, it's as if I've been born the day we met, with no previous existence. I must have spent my youth with a perpetual head-gold. Well, now that you've recovered, tell me what happened at the board meeting tonight, which brought you home so early and so chipperly. Mr. Wellman's out of town, in Chicago, on business. So the agenda was greatly expedited by his absence, and the motion for adjournment was reached in record-breaking time. But, you know, we all missed, Mr. Wellman. Now, that breaks another record. Yes, he's been gone almost a week, and he hasn't telephoned once to ask me what I'm doing, why I am doing it, and please stop immediately. Well, this is out of character for Mr. Wellman. It mystifies me. Although I suppose I... Telephone is probably the Queen Cannon's wanting to know if they can borrow a sleeping bag. Do we have one? Well, I don't think so, but if we did, they'd be welcome to it. My policy is to let sleeping bags lie. Ask a peculiar question and get an exotic answer, I always say. And let me lift the receiver, dear. You've been working hard all day. I have? Or haven't you? No. Oh, good. Save your strength. We have a chess game to finish tonight. Oh, speaking. I know, I know, Dr. Hall. This is Clarence Wellman. Well, hello, Mr. Wellman. You were supposed to have a board meeting tonight. Why didn't you? Well, we did have a board meeting tonight. Well, how could you? I called the board office, nobody answered. And if you did, what'd you do? You threw too early. Oh, we'd disposed of all the business on the agenda. Oh, you did. What'd you do about the vacant post in the psychology department? The board agreed with your proposal that we leave it unfilled for the time being, Mr. Wellman. My proposal? When did I ever... I never... Oh, yeah. I remember. I did. Now I don't. I want to talk to you about that, Dr. Hall, but this is long business. Army distance. Very expensive. Listen as fast as you can. Are you listening, Dr. Hall? Yes, right here, Mr. Wellman, hanging on your every nickel. Well, then, we're arriving tomorrow at 6.30. We? Of course, we. Spatson will be with me. What will be with you? Spatson! Spatson! Dr. Asker Spatson, what do you think of that? Well, I don't believe I ever... Well, please make all necessary arrangements. Oh, over three minutes. Goodbye. Vicki, is there something I should know about a certain Spatson? Of course. It's a German pancake we used to eat at that greenie place on 14th Street. Why? Is Mr. Wellman going into the pancake business? You must have heard they have a rapid turnover. No, this is a doctor, Spatson. Mr. Wellman said, and I quote, Dr. Asker Spatson will be with me. Please make all necessary arrangements. What arrangements? For a doctor? Phanesthesia? Nurses? Who's being operated on? Do I get into a hospital gown? One of those monstrous garments? Here we go again. Made with fibres of the prickly pear and cut by a mad tailor. The delusion that the human race is made up of midgets who spend their days with spinal column exposed, comparing kneecaps and wandering down hospitals. And what did you think of Dr. Spatson, Mr. Maryweather? It's sort of what? Cute. Good heavens. What kind of a doctor is he? Oh, psychology. Well, thank you for calling, Charles. I... Yes, I'll tell her. Goodbye. Tell me what? That he's mad about you and that any time you get tired of me, just set fire to the house, and he'll be here on the first hook and ladder. But how about Dr. Spatson? Well, Dr. Spatson has arrived with Mr. Wellman, who is all smiles and full of old Heidelberg courtesies. Mr. Maryweather says Dr. Spatson speaks some 25 languages and has 32 degrees. He should drive a 64. He's freezing. Oh, he's basking in the wamps of Mr. Wellman's approval. He's obviously Clarence's candidate for the vacancy in our psychology department. Oscar Spatson, psychology. I should be able to place him Vicki. Lie down on the couch. It might help you to remember. Now, what's the first thing that comes into your mind? German pancakes. That's all I can think of. However, I believe the little bird will tell us himself. What little bird? Spatson, which is German for sparrow. Oh. So let's welcome this Dr. Sparrow, who has dropped into Ivy from out of the blue, for as Hamlet said, there's a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, it is not to come. If it be not to come, it will be now. If it be not now, yet it will come. The readiness is all. The Voice of America is bringing you this rebroadcast presentation of the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Halls of Ivy. It's the next afternoon, and Dr. and Mrs. Hall are expectedly awaiting the arrival of Mr. Wellman and his celebrated guest, Dr. Oscar Spatson. Did Mr. Wellman give you any more of a dossier on his partage? No, my sweet. At this point, Mr. Wellman is completely incoherent. All he can say is that everything is gemütlich, and that I will be delighted with Dr. Spatson's felt-unshawing. Isn't it a shame our only recording of the Blue Danube's broken? Yes. I have a feeling that this is an occasion which calls for suitable background music. And I have a feeling that I'd be much happier if I could identify Dr. Spatson. Yeah. I've checked with several members of the department, and they don't seem to know him either. But then, psychologists, specialists, and a raptor can find themselves to their own schools. You can't imagine, for instance, any self-respecting Freudian speaking politely to a young Geit. Even if the young Geit was gemütlich Geit? And yet, despite their violent differences in theory, there is actually a good deal of agreement on basic conclusions. Well, I have only one theory. If you have anything on your mind, get rid of it. You may wind up with an empty mind, but you won't have ulcers. Well, it's very good, Vicky, but psychologists are only concerned with what you have on your mind. Well, how do they know what I have on my mind? Well, you tell them. Well, how can I tell them if I don't know? But you do know. You just don't know you know. But if I don't know, I know. How can I get them to tell me? That's psychology. I am afraid I'd be a very dull subject for a psychologist. Every time I lie down on a couch, I fall asleep. Well, my darling, you are that rare person who is completely uncomplicated and possesses a delightful equanimity of spirit and a joyous consonance with reality. Well, thank you very much, duck. Anytime, dear. But leave me a couple of my little neuroses, though. There are one or two that are pets of mine, and every once in a while I like to take them out of my mental closet and dust them off and give them a pat on the head and put them back where they came from. That's exactly my point. You have my dear. Whatever I have, I hope it'll keep, because I think that's one of my big neuroses at the door now. Mr. Wellman is not a neuroses. He has a very simple anxiety, but I better answer the door before he becomes complicated. But don't bother, darling. Louise has got it. Greetings, Dr. Hall. Ah, Mr. Wellman, come in. Good afternoon to you, Mrs. Hall. Well, good afternoon, Mr. Wellman. Yes, it is. It certainly is. Well, here we are. Dr. Hall, Mrs. Hall, it is my great privilege to present to you a man who, an international scholar, which the distinguished psychologist, Dr. Asker Spatzen. Ah, you too, Dr. Spatzen. Ah, freut mich sehr, Gnédia Frau. Ah, one of my so cherished memories of London, an evening in the theatre illuminated by the radiance of Frull and Cromwell. Really? Ah, nice. What play was that, Dr. Spatzen? Ah, play? Ah, the play was nothing. It was only The Leading Lady. Oh, quite a pleasure. May I kiss your hand, madame? Thank you. And, Herr Dr. Hall, I consider it a great honor. Well, thank you. I have been an admirer of yours for years. Your essay on The Crisis in Modern-day Education is, shall I say, at Classicus, a magnum opus. Well, thank you. I, I, I... I just really meant it. See? You see, Dr. Hall, what did I tell you? Old world, counter-diffle. This is, on occasion, a red letter, and an historic, which I will all remember the day Dr. Spatzen crossed our thresholds. Ah, please, Mr. Wermen, you flatter it. No, no, you're much too modest, Spatzen. For a man who's been everywhere, Stuttgart, Zurich, Vienna, Baden, Baden, Baden. Please, only two baths. Baden, Baden. Well, I thought there was a health resort, a spa. Yes, and it would be a fine location for a psychologist. Yeah, we had a clinic there. Kratzig, Zettenzau and Spatzel. Kratzig, not Otto Kratzig. You know him? Well, naturally, I've heard of the great Dr. Kratzig. Unfortunately, I've never had the opportunity to... Oh, it's talking about Kratzig. Dr. Hall, wait until you hear about Dr. Spatzel's merry-go-round. It upsets all the... from the ground up. That is, I mean, go on, Dr. Hall, tell them about it. Merry-go-round at Baden, Baden. Did you have a carnival there, as well as a clinic? They're good, Mrs. Hall. We, if we had more carnival in our life, we would have left clinic, nicht wahr? But Mr. Wellman is referring to the Spatzel psychology theory by which I mean the mind is a kind of merry-go-round. A carousel. Carousel, Spatzel, carousel. Oh, yeah, thank you. A carousel. A carousel with mirrors reflecting the world above. Well, that's a novel portrait of the mind. And I suppose whenever you have a good idea, it's like catching the brass ring. Yeah. Also, it is like a telephone exchange. Like a telephone exchange receiving light reflexes, that is, light reflexes, and then sometimes it is the Trübung des Meerweider, the muddy ocean waters, which reflect on the super ganglia. But all these are mere details of my basic theory of einfühling and zeitgeist. In feeling and world spirit, am I correct? Yeah. Maybe I'm dizzy from riding on the merry-go-round, but when did einfühling and zeitgeist get on? This is no time for jokes. Oh, I just know a joke, Mr. Wellman. It is brilliant. Simply brilliant. The carousel must stop for the einfühling, or we have no zeitgeist. As we say in Latin, vubistulis, vubistulam. Yeah, yeah, vubistulis, vubistulam. My very word, but that's all right. I was through with them anyway. Well, die um höllungs-trikot-sire-wo-spinal-flüsse-skite in every living marine culture is sometimes mixed with microscopic exatitio-spiritualia militaria, which Lehmann simply calls a headache. Nothing but any silly aspirin couldn't handle. Yeah. Manna est veritas et prevalebit, or, as a French put it, on his Swahimali pance, or in Old Greek, or made-a-rice antropos-ou paidoite. Well, the Greeks seem to have had more than one word for it, whatever it is. I suppose a rough translation of that phrase would be that unless a man has been pushed around a bit, he is not educated. Am I right, Doctor? Yeah, but I did not realize you were a Greek scholar, Doctor Hall. Oh, I'm not a qualified polylinguist, such as yourself, but I have. I've picked up a phrase or two here and there. Oh, excuse me, gentlemen. Hello? Oh, yes, yes, he's here. It's for you, Mr. Wellman. Thank you. Yes, yes, what is it? I thought I told you. Well, you did? Well, tell him I'll be right over. Oh, you have to leave, Mr. Wellman? Yes, the way they depend on me the minute I step out, everything goes... Well, if you'll all excuse me... I will come with you, Mr. Wellman. No, no, you stay here. Talk, get acquainted. Doctor Hall, will you see me to the door? Why, of course, Mr. Wellman. I'll ask a thing, Peter. I need a thing, Oscar, has it? Impressive, isn't he, Doctor Hall? Well, Mr. Wellman, I must concede... Feel like I ran into him in Chicago. He seemed to take a liking to me right away. Now, this is what I suggest you do. Tell him about the opening in the psychology department next year. But don't offer him too much money. Charm him, Doctor Hall. Charm him. A lot depends on how you handle it. Oh, yes, Mr. Wellman. A lot depends on how I handle him. So, you see, Doctor Hall, it was really in Zurich that I did my most important research work. Ah, such a lovely city. Tell me, Dr. Spatson, since you spent so much time in Zurich, you must know Professor Emil Grausbach. Grausbach? Oh, Emil, oh, dear friend, marvellous man. Of course, our theory is conflicted somewhat. Oh, naturally, since he's not a psychologist. His field is medieval history. History? Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. That's such a fine companion. We spend many wonderful nights together in our favorite cabaret. Now, would that by any chance be the delightful place in Zurich called Das Puppenspiel? Das Puppenspiel? Yeah, you know, the very long call from the Hansversgasse, you know. Oh, Das Puppenspiel! Das Puppenspiel! Never can I forget the schnitzel and the holster. And the street of Alster. Yeah, and the house of the violin player. Well, Dr. Spatson, you mentioned Professor Grausbach for another reason. After all, wasn't he the brother-in-law of your associate, Otto Kratzig? Was he? Oh, yeah, yeah, brother-in-law. And the Brausbach married Otto Kratzig, yeah. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, it was Clara Kratzig who married Emil Kratzbach. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It couldn't possibly. Ah, yeah. Imagine, I forget. I shouldn't find the whole things a little complicated. But Clara Kratzig. Oh, do you miss Vienna Bloom? I remember the first time I ever saw her. Early once summer in the Bavarian Alps. I was a guest of the Geheime Staatsrat of Heilbrunn, 1937, that was. Heilbrunn, 1937? Why, we must just have missed you. We were there that summer. Yeah, no wonder Clara looked so beautiful. She'd just met Grausbach. Yes. Yes, and it would have been a glorious marriage. Wouldn't it, Dr. Spatson? If there had ever been a Grausbach or a Clara Kratzig. But I do wish there'd really been a poop and spiel. It sounded so nice and so shown. Yeah. What a pity. Yeah, I see. Well, you have been so kind. I must be going. There's no necessity to leave so quickly. No. Mr. Wellman. Mr. Wellman wanted me to talk to you about the vacancy in our psychology department. Of course, with your background and credentials. Credentials? Well, unfortunately, they were destroyed during the war. Also, there's trouble with the foreign exchange at my bankers in Amsterdam. Well, I'm sure that Mr. Wellman would appreciate your difficulties, perhaps in advance from him. Oh, no, no, no. He has already. Dr. Hall, I have many qualifications, knowledge of languages, infinite experience in many fields. I could wash your car, please. Or Mrs. Hall, maybe you need a butler. Well, if you really want to stay here. Yeah. Then I can see that you're a very versatile man. Oh, yeah. You might have an opening. However, it's only... Oh, the only is unimportant. Anything. I'm a psychologist, but also a philosopher. When you're hunting for your supper to try for venison is admirable. But to settle for rabbit is reasonable. So if you do not get what I hope, I hope I like what I get. Well, Mrs. Spatson, if I make quotes, your famous compatriot, chance and good luck often correct many a mistake. And who knows what brief encounter may open the door to unexpected palaces. Like as fast as I could, Dr. Hall. But where's Dr. Spatson? What have you done with him? He's gone, Mr. Wellman. Gone? You mean to say? Slept right through your fingers. After all, I... He's gone to work, Mr. Wellman. Well, I've gone to work. Where? Here at Ivy. It's impossible, Dr. Hall, that the psychology department isn't open until next year. Well, he's found an opportunity in a new field, and he seems to be very happy. New field? What new field? What are you talking about? Mr. Wellman, your friend felt that he wanted to do some research here at Ivy. And when I suggested a certain project, he accepted my offer with an acuity. How much would you have to give him? Oh, I think you'll find it a very reasonable salary, Mr. Wellman. Well, I'll go into that with you later. I have to run an arrangement reception for Dr. Spatson tonight, you know. You're coming, of course. Well, we wouldn't miss it for the world. There you go. Well, I'm glad you appreciate my choice, Dr. Hall. Dr. Spatson is going to be a great asset to Ivy. See you tonight. Goodbye. Goodbye, Mr. Wellman. Oh, God. We should have told him. He would just pop when he finds out. Well, I think Oscar will be able to cope with him. He's a very imaginative and ingenious and perpetuates a glorious tradition of unabashed prevarication. Oh, I think he's great fun, but, Toddy, the reception for him tonight. Well, why not? We'll be greeting a newcomer to Ivy, a scholar in the art of storytelling and a psychologist in the art of knowing just how long he can get away with it. And the fact that the good Dr. Spatson has just been appointed third assistant gardener in the Ivy Maintenance Department will only make the occasion the more historic one. Nothing like a new broom to sweep away your belch mats. And if he has any gratitude at all, he'll go out tomorrow and send us a dozen long-stem neuroses. Dr. Spatson was Fritz Felt. Tonight's script was written by Barbara and Milton Merlin and Don Quinn. Music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. Can Carpenter speak? This production of The Halls of Ivy was broadcast with an actual audience present in the studio.