 Alright, last week we introduced a novel concept to a lot of our listeners, the idea of emotional bids. And we talked a little bit about turning towards versus turning away, the impact it has. This week we're going to dive even deeper into that with an amazing article here from the Gottman Institute, Turn Towards Instead of Away by Zach Brittle. Now John Gottman studied human bids for emotion for decades and he found that this is the key to lasting relationships and really building a foundation in marriage essentially that leads to 40, 50 year wedding anniversaries. Well how many people do we see coming through our programs who one of the things they're looking to do is strengthen their relationships and we're seeing more and more of it. So this is the key, this is the one thing right here that can really help you. So if you find yourself struggling in that situation, today's show is especially for you. Yeah, so his research has looked heavily at what makes relationships last and as we talked about last week, well this emotional bid concept is also the genesis of relationships, right? If we're not recognizing each other's emotional bids at the start, well there's no relationship that can form. So if you are unaware or unfamiliar with the concept of emotional bids, check out last week's episode, episode 719 where we do a great job defining it. This week we're going to delve even deeper into that concept. We're excited to kick things off by looking at why this works, right? Dr. Gottman had been studying relationships with longevity and looking at what partners do with each other in conversation, especially in those heated moments where maybe we're miscommunicating, maybe we're not on the same wavelength. Now an important part of Gottman's research on couples and emotional bids was his follow-up with each couple six years later. So in his follow-up, many of the couples that he had observed stayed together, many had divorced, but the couples that stayed married were much better at one thing, turning towards an emotional bid instead of away from an emotional bid. So at the six-year follow-up, couples that stayed married turned towards one another's emotional bids 86% of the time, whereas couples that had divorced had averaged only 33% of the time had they turned towards each other's emotional bids. So the secret to these thriving relationships is turning towards each other's emotional bids. Look in there about how much communication one set of married people are having compared to the turning away. That is, what is it, 50-some percent, that's a large number. There's a lot of communication that is being had or not being had. Obviously there's a huge disparity here and that difference in communication and your ability to connect with one another can foster resentment, which is what Dr. Gottman argues. When we turn towards each other's emotional bids, we're actually responding to them. We're giving them an opportunity to bloom. What we mean by an emotional bid is when one person offers up their emotions looking for your attention, approval, and acceptance. Obviously we've been talking about value for decades now here at the Art of Charm and how important it is for you to give the people around you those three things, attention, approval, and acceptance. When you get good at the skill, well, all of a sudden you're good at recognizing and responding to these emotional bids. As Johnny was saying, so many of our clients and so many of our friends and sometimes even ourselves struggle in relationships because it's easy to get caught up in your own emotional bids and what you want that attention, approval, and acceptance for. It's very easy to lose sight of your partner's emotional bids. This is the difficult thing about it. If you do not have ways of going about getting attention, approval, and acceptance in a positive, proper manner, it will manifest itself in other ways. And so a lot of times that attention, approval, acceptance, seeking comes from low value behaviors which rather than attracts the other person, it repulses them. And as you can imagine when these emotional bids are turned away from, resentment builds, that's an opportunity for cheating. When someone else walks into that relationship responding to your partner's emotional bids, well all of a sudden that attention is going elsewhere outside of the relationship. Think about it. Imagine, let's just do an analogy of fishing, right? If you're throwing your rod into one pool and you're not getting any bites, and then one day you decided to change it up and roll over here to this other section and all of a sudden the fish starting to bite. I mean, the fish is jumping in the boat. Then that's a very easy choice of what I'm going to do. All this effort over here for nothing or putting this effort in for a great return. And when we respond positively to these emotional bids, we're building closeness. We are being vulnerable, we're being present, we're allowing our partner, our significant other, our spouse, our friend to be themselves, to feel more comfortable around us. This emotional bid concept is something that when mastered, and it could be a lifelong mastery process trying to understand where people are coming from, and we're going to talk about this, I believe, next month when we get into empathy and the importance of building that closeness. But emotional bids are very often offered up at the start of the interaction. It's when that person is trying to win you over and they want a little more attention, they want a little more acceptance, they want a little more appreciation from you. Now, in the last episode, we talked about a classic example, right? Look, a beautiful bird. Your partner is calling you to the window because they're an avid birdwatcher and they want you to see something that is really meaningful to them. Well, the most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said. This is a great quote by Peter Drucker. What's not said, right? It's not about the bird, it's about sharing that moment. And having someone else appreciate what you appreciate with you. So understanding this emotional bid concept takes some practice. We spend a lot of time in boot camp practicing, pausing the video, looking and breaking down at these little moments. And sometimes they're nonverbal. I know the example that we gave is verbal, but the simple fact of waving someone over, right? Get over here. I need your attention. These things can be subtle cues for you to start paying attention to the person you're in conversation with. Bids, however, can be very tricky. And it's important more than ever to pay attention. And I know Johnny and I love railing on this and the attention economy where we are bombarded with devices, ads, billboards, TV that are preying on your attention, trying, fighting their way to the forefront of your brain to get that attention. Well, and let's just also put together the work and studies and science that is going behind these attempts to get your attention. The some of the smartest people in the world are working in Silicon Valley right now to win that attention. And when you think about all the different ways that the people in your life could be asking for a bit of attention, when we're distracted, when we're on our devices, when we're thinking about work, when we're thinking about what we're going to do tomorrow, when we are internally focused, not fully present. Well, it can be very hard to recognize any of these emotional bids. And that's what we mean by turning away, choosing to put your attention, appreciation, acceptance elsewhere, whether it's on your phone where you're appreciating people's Instagram photos, whether it's when you're on your computer appreciating your co-workers response to your email in those moments where your partner, your friend, your significant other is looking for your attention and you're not giving it to them. It could be hurtful and it can really start to chip away at that relationship that you've built together. I think you said the magic phrase are chipping away. I mean, there's two people who worked together to build that connection to almost sink as one and a lot of different phases. And if you get caught up, I mean, let's life happens. There's a lot of suffering out there. You have work. You have a friend or family who might be sick. It's things like that, that grabs your attention in a way where it has to be there. You're trying to work through something. You may be a lifeline to have a working, to help a friend in need get through a hard time. So understanding how important your attention is to those around you will at least help make you a little bit more conscious of who needs it and prioritizing it. And for instance, I think you even said this week that you were done with the NFL for something. You're like, that's that's so much time of attention that I can be giving elsewhere and no doubt. I mean, with all the craziness that's going off there, I can, you know, and I think it was Jesse Itzler, exactly. I also mentioned who was like, wow, how much time am I giving away? And I believe this, this morning, working out, you said the last year you were in three fantasy football leagues. I made the mistake of joining a third league, trying to spread it around a little bit and it actually worked against me and my relationship with Amy in a number of ways, because you have to watch five days of football and you got to work the waiver wire and you're looking at the. And the thing is, is honestly, Jesse Itzler, inspirational interview we had with him and a really inspirational relationship that he's built with Sarah and that question that I had for him, asking him, you know, what do you do in your relationship, both of you having your hopes and dreams and these amazing careers to come together to build a stronger bond? And he said it is scheduling out time together. Got to. And I'll be honest, since that interview, Amy and I have done just that. And we've scheduled out Friday nights are date night. It's our time to not be on the phone to be present to get out of the house and not sit on our laptops and worry about work. And I'll be honest, work can take up a large amount of time. It's easy to get lost in it. It's easy to focus on that. But if you're not creating that space in your relationship for full attention, full acceptance, full appreciation of your partner, well, you can lose sight of the most important people in your life. I guess that answers the question why you didn't turn towards my memes that I sent you Friday night. Exactly, because my phone was off in my pocket. I apologize, I will give you more attention on Saturday, but Friday nights are dedicated to Amy. And we understand that this concept, again, can sound a little foreign. So we're going to link up the entire list of emotional bids on the Gottman Institute website. He does a great job of breaking down all of them. We don't have enough time to break down every single one. But we are going to break down a few of these examples today so that we can become at least a little more aware of all the signals that our friends, family, coworkers and significant others are putting out in our lives. Well, I I think it would be to a great service that we go through the list because I know when we're doing classes and I'm talking about it, and even this Friday when I was helping out with video work, we did what emotional bids that you miss. And through the beginning of the week, the guys were getting zero. On Friday, they were getting some of them, but they still weren't up to the standards that they would need to to seriously build a bridge and connection to somebody. Yeah. And with it, it's a new skill set. So going from never heard of this concept being completely unaware. And let's be honest, when we do struggle a little bit with social anxiety, where's the first place we go? We go upstairs. We go internal. We focus on ourselves and our own awkwardness and where we're putting our thoughts and feelings. Not very present in the conversation going on around us, not fully present and giving the attention necessary to turn towards these bids. So we love all the examples in this list, but the ones that we want to focus on are really important because these are the ones that our clients, as Johnny said, usually miss the most in video work. Well, with what's also a lot of fun with this is once you are able to start picking these up, now you have control of the conversation. You can gauge it in areas that you would be more more excited about if you're able to pick up the emotional bids rather than having to go with the ones that you did pick up or hope to have picked up or thought you've picked up. You want to have you if you hear the conversations rolling out and you've caught three, now you're in control. Yeah, and all of a sudden you're going to see a difference in the other person's attention. You're actually going to get more attention. It's the act of reciprocity. When you give someone full presence and their attention in return, they double down on that attention and they turn towards you, which is so amazing about this reciprocity. So the first one here, pay attention to what I say. Example, right? How do I look? How many times have you been in a relationship and heard that, Johnny? Oh, my God. And I think, you know, speaking for all the men out there, that's the one we all start freaking out about. However, once again, it's never about the facts of this. It's about the emotional context and here it is. Yeah, it's a bid for you to take a second, put down the phone, close the laptop, turn off the TV and turn towards your partner and give them some feedback. And as Johnny is saying, it's not a call for negative feedback. It's not a call for all the things that are wrong. It's a moment, especially now when we're fighting with technology. It's a moment for you to be present with the person in your life that matters. Now, when we give someone our attention in that moment, that is a form of value. That's what we talk about here all the time, giving someone our attention. So when someone's saying, pay attention to me, it's important that we reciprocate and actually follow through on that attention. And you're going to show through your actions that you matter to me. How powerful is that? When you, through your actions and your words, can show someone else in your life that they matter to you. Well, how good do you feel when you know that you matter to someone? It's fantastic. It lights you, it lights you up. And no, it allows you to know that no matter what is going on, there is somebody there who's with you that you can lean on. I mean, how powerful is that? And it creates security in that relationship, right? Insecurity builds when you don't know how significant you are to the person in your life that you feel very strong feelings towards. You know, I and here's an answer that I think a lot of people throw out there, this this is what gets them in a lot of trouble. I do it all the time. I know you do it. You hurt me. And what, which is you get the bid. Hey, how do I look? Or did you see the squirrel or patent? The bid is pay attention to me. And because you're finishing up a post on Facebook or are making sure you have the right filter for your picture, you figure if it's that important, they'll ask again. Oh, that is not. And because by the second and third time it's being asked. Yeah. And. And but you have to also know that, OK, if it's that important, they'll ask again. And so let's say that you do hit the second one or even worse, the third. How many times do you do that in a day or a week or a month by playing this game, which pushes the other your partner in a position that they have to double down on their vulnerability? You can only do that so much before they just start getting angry. And of course, now they're going to like, well, he does it to me. I'm going to do it back to that person. And now you can see the cracks and everything starting to form. And listen, we're not just talking about romantic relationships here. Absolutely. Johnny and I give each other emotional bids. He was busting me earlier before the show started. And we do this with the people we care about, period. It does not have to be romantic. And I know when we're hearing this idea of giving someone our attention, there are plenty of people in our life that are crying for our attention. Co-workers, family members, understanding that when we can turn towards them and give them that full attention, give them that appreciation they're looking for, give them that acceptance they're looking for. They feel more secure in the relationship and themselves, and they feel taken care of. Now, the second one here, responding to simple requests. How many times have I been asked, hey, can you take pubbers for a walk? And I'm like, not now. Those things add up. And in a relationship, we're building things together. We are going to need to rely on each other, lean on each other. And in those moments, if you're making small requests and feeling unheard, feeling unresponded to, well, then what about the bigger requests that actually matter? And just so we're clear here that you're not jumping through every hoop or at their beg and need for everything they ask. If you are busy in that moment, rather than answer with, hey, not now, or maybe I'll just wait to the second request. Answer with, hey, I'm here's what I'm doing. And I will handle that in five minutes now that the other person knows that you heard them and that you're willing to to cooperate and bite on the bid. But you are taking your time to finish something else. I feel that that at least has the other person feeling comfortable that we will be engaging. You heard everything I said and I'm working with you on that. There's no cooperation. I'm actually taking notes on that one. I like the timeframe. Yes, it's it's telling the other person that I hear you and there is immediacy to your request. And I just need to finish what it is that I have in front of me. Now, if you're going to drop that, you big caveat. You better do what you said you're going to do because then it's now placating and those words now mean nothing. However, if you do respond in a timely manner, just like you said, well, then that will always be the case in the other person. As long as that happens, knows you're listening. You're there. Tensions coming. I'm picturing it right now. I say that and Amy says, Siri, set a timer for five minutes. You're on the clock. You got five minutes and then buffers is going on that walk. Because it's so easy to just table it to push it aside. OK, yeah, great. Got it. Totally. I hear you. And when that happens, the other person is sitting there going, no, you don't have it. You don't hear me. I'm unsupported in this. Why are these simple requests going unresponded? Now, if we comply with the other person's request, as I said earlier, this builds reciprocity, right? The small things add up. The small things matter. And it again creates security in the relationship. Security in the relationship fosters the right feelings instead of resentment. Now, turning away from that emotional bid is ignoring that request, is tabling that request with no time frame, as Johnny said. Yes. Yeah, Puppers can go on a walk on his own. Puppers can figure it out. I'm busy. I got no time for you. Well, look, think of that. It's like, yeah, yeah, I got it. I'll be taking them out. So you go back to doing what you're thinking. Now you have two people pissed at you. Puppers is looking like, I heard walk. Why are you moving? And now Amy's looking and going, oh, is he placating? Or is he going to get on this? And for every what minute that there's no movement, it just boils over, right? And then, of course, it's three hours later and there's a pot thrown across the room like, hey, how do we get here? Well, very easily. Let me show you every step on how we got here. There was three emotional bids previously that led here. I can point them out for you if you want to pay attention now. Now you're hearing me. Now, the other thing about the the beauty of reciprocity is that both sides feel better when we are doing small favors for each other. We are scientifically proven to feel better. We feel more connected to the other person and we feel better as a human. So small favors, these small, simple requests go a long way in a relationship. And we end up liking them more. Yes. Think about that. We actually end up liking the other person more when we respond to simple requests. That's why it's such a powerful emotional bid to respond to. And I mean, there is a there is a anecdote and well, and a phenomenon that has been labeled the Ben Franklin effect that many people, especially even in sales salesmen, all know how this works. Yeah. So break that down for us, Johnny. What's the Ben Franklin effect? Well, supposedly the story goes that if I have it correctly and correct me if I'm wrong, I believe Benjamin Franklin wanted to get the attention or wanted to win over some people in an organization that was that he felt that he wanted to belong to and knew that some of the people there and because he was young wouldn't give him the time of day. And so what he had asked for was to borrow a book of one of the people he looked up to. And because of that, the person allowed him to borrow the book. And because now that there was some some communication dialogue between the both of them and he had brought the book back, it opened up the other person into bringing him in or and and started a foundation of a relationship. Yeah. And this person was actually adversarial. So he knew going in and he was going to have to win some people over. And by simply asking a small favor, he was able to do so. And the reason goes like this. If I'm doing a favor for a person, therefore, I must like this person. That's what we feel. So these small favors and the favor trading that go on in these relationships go a long way towards increasing your likability, increasing that connection. And ultimately, you end up liking the other person more. So it's a very powerful emotional bid. Well, and think of any time that you didn't want to give the person a time of day, but they asked for such a small favor that you felt that you would be an obvious jackass if you didn't go along with it. So you should did it anyway. And of course, the person's coming back. They have a big smile like, I really hate this guy. I'll be again. Absolutely. And it works very well. And it is something, if you're not familiar with, that you should practice and see it for yourself. And you'll start to see people get one over through this simple Benjamin Franklin effect. Now, number three here is a slightly different nuance, right? Number two is a favor. Number three is can you help me? So can you work together on something, right? Let's prepare dinner together. Can we go on a walk with Puppers together, right? It's now not doing something for the other person. It's participating in something with the other person. So slight nuance here. But by working together towards the same goal, well, naturally, we're going to feel more connected. Of course. You think about teammates and sports. When we're working together towards a common goal, you naturally feel more connected. So in a famous study by psychologist, Musifer Sheriff, two rivaling summer camp groups set their differences aside and actually befriended each other after working together to resolve problems that were affecting both summer camps. So by working together, even though they were rivals at the start, they formed a connection and they were able to befriend each other. And this is a powerful, emotional bid in a relationship and even at the genesis of a relationship. As you can imagine, when we're working together on something, well, things are going like gangbusters. All of a sudden, I instantly feel connected to you. Well, I I know for myself and for a lot of people out there, we've all walked into situations, social situations that were not quite comfortable. And when we do, it's easy to walk in the room and have our emotions get the best of us and think, look at all the douchebags in this place right out of the gate. And it's and it's you have to recognize the thought process of what just happened for you to come to that conclusion. And then step above that and say, wait, I don't know anybody here. Right. Think about how difficult it is to work through that. Yeah. To then actually befriend someone. And of course. And then, you know, it's always then somebody maybe comes up to you and says, hey, cool hair or a nice shirt or I like your boots or whatever that gives you attention. It gives you attention. Like, oh, you started chatting with this guy. You're like, OK, well, this guy's all right. Everyone else here. I don't know about it. But how bad do you feel when you're like, oh, I can't believe I wrote everyone off. I can't believe I was such a judgmental jerk. And these are reflexive things. Humans, by nature, are tribalistic. Yes, it's very easy to put people in the other group, in the out group and all of a sudden write them off. But these emotional bids bridge the gap and form the connection that we're looking for. And when it comes to relationships and actually feeling good about your partner, well, does it get any better than working on stuff together? Not at all. In fact, I mean, the it's wins all around. I mean, there's the emotions of completing these tasks together, working together, Bill, it's yeah, I mean, this is what you want to be doing. In fact, being able to think about going on a day where both parties are going out to a dinner comparatively to when you're cooking your meal together. Cooking your meal together. It's a totally different experience. And that's a great second, third date when we talk about where do we take the people in our lives that we're interested in participating in something together, working towards a common goal. And that common goal could be hiking, running, it could be going up a mountain. When you guys are sharing in the same goal, working towards the same goal, well, connection happens a hell of a lot faster and it deepens existing connections. So you can imagine in a relationship when your partner is saying, hey, can you help me with this? Well, this is a pretty important thing to that person. Now, this other one, chat with me. I mean, that one obviously is important to your significant other. If you guys are not talking to each other, if you are not responding to that chat with me emotional bid, then we're really having problems. Well, it always comes back to making sure that there's dialogue between the both you. I believe I mentioned this in the last episode where a parental technique is just being around your child, especially when they get into the development age of their teenage years, where they just look at you as the old stuffy parent, right? The out group, it's definitely the out group. But by being in their vicinity, especially going on a walk or something where there is nothing else going on, except you two hanging out, eventually they'll start to loosen up and want to start talking. And it's and it's in that time is where you're going to eventually start to find out how your child is feeling and what they're going through. But until you can get to that point, it's going to be a bit rocky. And the other thing about it is there needs to be a lot of patience there for that to happen. You the worst possible thing that you can do is to force your child to tell them what's wrong. You are getting anything. Oh, little Billy, I think we need to sit down. Why don't you tell me what's wrong? Go stuff it. Well, I remember vividly my dad would ask me often, hey, let's go grocery shopping together. Hey, let's go take a ride. Yeah. And obviously there was no iPhone back in those days. So I was not farting around on Instagram in the front seat of the car. He had my undivided attention, right? I'm I'm not on say, good Genesis play in Mortal Kombat. Yeah, yeah, cool, dad. Totally gotcha. We're in the car. We're driving and he's like chat with me. I want to hear what's going on. I want to just talk to you a little bit about Michigan football. Those moments create a clear bond, obviously, in relationships where your partner wants to have a conversation and you're turning away from that conversation, you can imagine the resentment that's going to form. Now, I would love to hear from the audience what their experience was like growing up, where we weren't fighting over devices for attention. I mean, I know that parenting now I can't even imagine. I'm thinking about what I would have to do. Take him to the dead zone, go up in the hills where there's no service. Like, how do you disconnect from Wi-Fi and cell phones? Well, I can tell you and you've met my dad. Had I turned away towards some of his emotional bids? Oh. In fact, it was it was it was we knew the rules and if my dad had asked me to take out the trash, there was no, hey, I'll get that in five minutes. Or, hey, yeah, yeah, I heard you. There is none of that. Yeah, I heard you there. In fact, by the time I don't by the time I was eight or nine, I knew that that wasn't an answer. The answer was you get up and you do. I remember vividly I was asked to do something and I have my friends over. My dad had bought Mortal Kombat and he didn't know about the blood code. Oh, right. So all of my friends piled over my place and they could play it with the blood code on. So we're in the middle of a Mortal Kombat throwdown and my dad asked me to do a chore. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it. I'm on it. And I remember he came straight into the room and without even glancing at us, just unplugged the Genesis in the middle of the match. Yeah. Loud and clear. Got it. The message. Trash went right out. It was probably the fastest to trash everyone to the curb. And I can only imagine and I even know that I wouldn't even, I won't even, I wouldn't even look him in the eye after something like, I know I'm in big trouble and I just better do what he asked and just give him some space to. I'll tell you one thing. It was so intimidating that my friends are like, you know what, we don't need the blood code. We got Sunny D at our house. We don't need the blood code. Just gritting it out, AJ. They don't want to be around for the aftermath of that. Well, to go along with that about people sharing those experiences from the 90s and perhaps, listen, if you're raising children now and with all these devices, I would like to hear how you're getting through that and some of the tactics you're using to get to get their attention in this economy. To win back their attention to get your children to turn towards your emotional bids. And I'm sure a lot of our audience is in that situation. If you have great tips or tactics in parenting or some fun stories of what your parents did to get you to turn towards their emotional bids, hit us up questions at the Art of Charm. As always, we're going to be answering those questions that you submit to us as well. Questions at theartofcharm.com. Now, this one. Share the events of your day with me. How many times have you been asked this question? What have you been up to today? And it's it's small, right? It doesn't seem that significant, even if your day is boring, but it's that moment where they're asking you to elaborate a little bit so that there will be that reciprocity because they want you to ask them about their day. They want an opportunity to share how their day has gone. Well, and it also once again, it greases the wheels to get some conversations started. I think all of us who come home, I think we all want to unload. And I know that for myself, there's sometimes we're coming home and wanting to unload. I have to think twice about it because perhaps I don't want to just blurt all of my everything that was stressing me out onto the other person and have them deal with it. So by asking for that allows me to feel much better that I have this opportunity to vent and and everybody needs to be able to vent. Everyone needs to be able to get stuff off their chest. There is a reason why talking therapy is important and that it works. And if you don't have somebody that you are able to vent with, it will be difficult, you know. And this is where the attention economy gets difficult because you will always find somebody who is willing to give you that attention, approval and acceptance that you're seeking. And it might not be who you want it to be. Who you might not be coming from places that you want to have it. Yeah. And the thing is when we're sharing, it's about disclosing something from ourselves, too. It's not just listening to what the other person has to say. You can't form that connection if you're not disclosing a little bit. So you can imagine when your partner, your friend is asking how your day went, you're like. Nothing. Yeah. Zero zilch. If we're not being vulnerable back, our partner, our friend, our significant other again is going to feel turned away from in these moments. And that's a that's a lonely feeling. Now, the more vulnerable we allow ourselves to get, the more closeness we can potentially create. So I know a lot of us just want to celebrate the winds. We just want to talk about all the amazing things going on in our lives. But in those moments where things aren't so amazing, when you can share that, that's actually the vulnerability that we're looking for here. It's not tooting your own horn. Well, there's a benefit to that, too, of getting a different perspective that maybe you're not able to see because you're so stuck in what is going on. And the other person can not give you that if you don't share your perspective now. How many times has this happened to you, Johnny? You crack a joke, dead air, nothing around here every day. Why do we tell jokes? We tell jokes to get the laugh. We don't tell jokes for radio silence. So when someone is throwing out a joke that you care about someone that you want to build a relationship with, well, definitely responding to their joke is going to go a long way towards building that connection. Without a doubt. And also, I mean, to two people when they meet, they're coming in and you're exploring a lot with them. You're exploring their values. You're exploring their beliefs. You're exploring their politics and religion. But when I say that, like the things that you chase in life or how you see the world put together. But also being able to share and explore each other's sense of humor is so powerful because it just it goes a long way and being able to look at things that are happening and being able to laugh at yourself and the situation because there is nothing better that's going to get you through rough times than that sense of humor that you developed. And if you're able to have that same sense of humor between two people, that it makes anything that you're involved in easy, especially a relationship that is in turmoil and a sense of humor is vulnerability. Yes. Right. Throwing out a joke is vulnerability. And you can imagine that if it's unresponded to if you turn away from the joke, you ignore it. Well, something to go along with that. When we do video work, how many guys do we know who come through who might have a very dry sense of humor or a very dark sense of humor who let it fly around the gate or turning people off or freaking people out? Because much like it's almost like coming in to have a conversation where you're flooding them with vulnerability. Right. It's it's it's one in the same. So by able to understand that and dialing it back, you're able to open up the funnel a little bit more and also getting people to get comfortable with you so that maybe you can share that darker sense of humor and they'll be more comfortable with it. And both you can go down that road of who can be more more roast than the other. Right. But it starts with that first laugh, right? That's what paves the way for your on ramp to the dark humor that Johnny's talking about here. But if we come in right out of the gate, blasting someone with sarcasm or biting humor, it can be very off putting to the other person. What we're talking about here is when the other person's offering up a joke, are you laughing or are you just letting it float on by? And in those moments where we're letting it float on by, we're turning away from that emotional bid. Well, that other person is going to feel pretty judged and they're not going to feel comfortable being more vulnerable later. So you're basically short circling that connection. You're cutting it at the Genesis. And humor is a difficult thing as well. It's not easy for somebody to show vulnerability through humor, especially in a day and age where your sense of humor could get you fired. It can get you in a lot of trouble, get you in a lot of trouble. And it's I see it on social media all the time. Someone throws out something that they feel as humorous to themselves and maybe a handful of people that they know. But everyone else sees it and loses their mind. And everyone's like, hey, back off. It's it's my joke on my thread. Yeah, but you just put it out there for everybody. I don't you know, it's like you would you have said it that loudly in a social event if you knew that everyone outside of the five friends that we could hear it comment on it, probably not. And what we're talking about here is genuine laughter. Right. If it's a fake laugh, it's turning away from the emotional bid. People know genuine laughter versus fake laugh. So we're not saying laugh at everyone's joke, even if it's lame. But if it's heartfelt and it's meaningful and it has a sense of humor to it that you can get along with, then laughter goes a long way towards turning towards that emotional bid and allowing the other person to feel connected. You know, something to go along with that and you had mentioned it, you don't have to laugh if it's insincere. Just being able to lean in and go, you know, that was pretty bad. You missed the mark on that one. That's enough to allow the other person to know that you're with them. And they're still paying attention. You're present. Absolutely. And that you're needing the other person. It goes with a lot of that sort of conversation that guys have where they can rouse each other that only deepens the relationship. Yeah, busting each other's balls. I mean, we do this with the people that matter most. A lot of us don't realize that these are the moments that create new connections, that create opportunity for new friendships, for new relationships. Now, this is a big one. We've all been stressed, stress is a big part of modern life, whether it's work, family, finances, whatever the stress may be. When your partner, your friend says to you, look, I've been doing something all day. I'm exhausted. I've been cooking all day. I'm so tired. I've been working all day. I'm so tired. Well, that stress and them sharing that stress, that has a level of vulnerability tied to it. So helping your partner de-stress, take their mind off of it, not focus on it to at least get their focus away from whatever is stressing them, is that turning towards the emotional bid that allows them to feel more comfortable around you. And ultimately, we know that stress kills. Well, and what is the one thing that you're able to do to help somebody de-stress? It's just what we talked about in the one before. Here's an opportunity to get some humor going that you've developed amongst each other to help the other person de-stress. Yeah, or a shared experience that, you know, takes their focus away from it, allowing them to turn away from that stress, right? Get their mind off of it. I mean, ultimately here, when we help the other person de-stress, we are showing them that we care. Obviously, we care about their health, we care about their emotional wellbeing, we care about them when we turn towards that emotional bid and allow them an opportunity to de-stress. The last thing we wanna do is be adding stress onto that stressed out person. That is turning away from that emotional bid and hurting that relationship. Oh, and you had mentioned about the medical reasons behind de-stressing as well, which is extremely important by adding on to it or not allowing somebody to de-stress. That builds after time. Now, this one's a big one. And this one is the romantic emotional bid we're talking about here. Be affectionate, right? The example, come cuddle with me while I read. When the person in your life that matters most to you, your significant other, your spouse, is craving touch, is craving intimacy, is craving your presence fully physically. Well, that's a very powerful emotional bid. And if we turn away from that, imagine how they feel. So recognizing these moments, even if it's small, come here, give me a kiss. Hey, come here, hold my hand. These small moments of affection go a long way towards building that closeness we're looking for. And touch, if it's done right, means I feel comfortable around you. And I wanna share with you, there's a lot of nonverbal communication that it lays out. And for both of those people, I mean, to be able to cuddle without any sort of communication, without anything else going on, just shows the comfort level that each party has with each other, which goes a long way in feeling safe in the relationship. And we know scientifically that touch allows the release of oxytocin. And oxytocin is the love molecule. It's what builds closeness. In fact, mothers, after giving birth, have a massive amount of oxytocin released. And that's why you will often see them holding their child, and it creates such a close bond. So when we can work touch in to show that affection, we can build trust, we can build comfort. Now, touch is a scary thing. Chris, our producer, was laughing. Some people just don't like to be touched. Now there's a gradation here. It's not give the person a bear hug. It's not swarm them with your touch. But simple light touch goes a long way towards fostering these warm feelings that we're looking for, whether it's throwing your arm around them, right? We do that with friends, whether it's a light touch nearest arms. So just lightly touching them to make your point allows the other person to feel more connected to you. And that's what these emotional bids are crying out for. It's just like, please connect with me. Please, I want to feel that affection. I think the most solid in relationships and couples is going to be being able to communicate without speaking. And it's going to be through touch, which is going to allow that. Yeah, I mean, you look at holding each other's hands. You look at pulling each other close, even on Friday's date nights, these little acts of across the table holding hands, pulling her next to me to sit next to each other so we can be lightly touching and caressing. Those moments of affection go a long way towards allowing the other person to feel good. The opposite, right? What happens? We're unreceptive to touch. Well, obviously it builds resentment. There's a coldness to that relationship. You think about marriages that are falling apart. There is a great distance between the couple. I think in every relationship that I've ever been in, where I realized there was a problem is when I went for a touch and it was taken away, I was like, did I do something wrong? That's where I think God's like, oh. Oh, I'm in the doghouse. I'm in the doghouse. And then it's like, well, maybe if I pry, I'll find out what it is. No, because if it's at that point. You missed it three emotional bits ago. You missed it. The other one simply play with me, right? Couples that are nurturing, friendships that are nurturing, you play together, whether it's games, sports, activities, understanding the power of participating together creates that emotional connection. And these are subtle things, right? Playing cards, board games, puzzles. It doesn't have to be athletic feats of prowess, but understanding that couples that play together form lasting relationships. That's what Dr. Gottman's research has shown. Well, I love that. And especially to be able to strengthen a relationship by having those games, whatever they might be, it's unique and special to your relationship. So no one else is privy to those. So it's your own secret language, your own secret fun. And the last one on the list I absolutely love, join me in learning something together. Let's go to that improv class. You know, Amy and I were in Thailand and we took a cooking class. And the moment that that created allowing us to learn the recipes together as Johnny was saying, it's now a powerful memory in our relationship. That ability to learn a skill with your partner, with your friend creates a closeness and a bond. And we've covered a lot of different emotional bids in the last two episodes with you. I hope through all of these examples that we understand these small moments where the other person is asking for our attention, our appreciation, our acceptance go a long way towards starting the relationship and strengthening the relationship. And I'd love for you as we end this episode to take a minute and think about the five most important people in your life. Yes. Whether it's your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, whether it's your family or your friends. And think about all these little moments that we listed out where they're seeking emotional bids from you. They're seeking you to turn towards them instead of turn away from them. And just do a small tally mentally. Do you find yourself ignoring these emotional bids, brushing them to the side, not taking puppers on a walk, staying on Instagram all night instead of being affectionate with your significant other? In those moments, you are making a choice. You may not realize you're making a choice, but you are making a choice. And that choice has an impact on the quality of the relationships that you're in and the quality of the relationships that you're hoping to create. And understanding this concept of emotional bids can go a long way towards creating the connection that we all crave in our lives. Or fixing one that is broken. And to Johnny's point, the clients that we work with and now we work with females as well, I know we talk a lot about our male clients, but women also struggle with these emotional bids much like men, as Dr. Gottman realized in his research, both ends of the couple struggle in these moments. Understanding, recognizing and responding and turning towards people's emotional bids foster the relationships that we all crave and look for. Now, when we show the other people in our lives that we care, not only through our words, but our actions by turning towards them and giving them affection and giving them that acceptance appreciation and approval that they're looking for, well, we've unlocked the ability to form deeper connections than we've ever felt. And the clients that come through the bootcamp who are struggling in their relationships, they can be repaired. So I don't want you to look at this and total all of these things and say, you know what, I gotta ditch this person by raising awareness and being conscious of your decisions instead of turning away, but turning towards, you can repair and foster a deeper connection in relationships that may have hit the rocks, that may be struggling right now. And that's something I really hope all of our listeners take away from this episode.