 Murder by Experts. The mutual broadcasting system presents Murder by Experts with your host and narrator, Mr. John Dixon Carr, whose books have been translated into 17 languages and have sold over 10 million copies. An author of the recently published detective novel Below Suspicious. Good evening. This is John Dixon Carr. Each week at this time, Murder by Experts brings you a story of crime and mystery which has been chosen for your approval by one of the world's leading detective story writers. Tonight, our guest expert is the noted mystery novelist, Craig Rice. In keeping with the spirit of the holiday season, Ms. Rice, herself a witty and humorous writer, has selected a hilarious and suspenseful comedy mystery by Joseph Roscoe. And now we present Carl Eastman in The Case of the Missing Mind. Again, Mr. Andrews? Doc! Aren't we the troublesome patient? Oh, Doc, you're gonna believe me. It's all a mistake, a terrible mistake, you see, Doc? What's your angle, huh? I tell everybody the truth, the honest truth. So I'm a lunatic? What am I doing in a nut house? No, no. Now, look, our nice cousins are coming to visit all the way from two forks. So let's be a good boy and watch our excitement curve, hmm? Good boy, huh? This way till they show up. I'll tell them the way I got Shanghai'd here. They'll sue you for a million. They'll sue everybody. Meanwhile, if your hallucinations persist, those fantastic tales that alleged man you murdered... But it was all real, I say. You got cotton in your ears? All that abracadabra? Aladdin and the princess, Ali Baba. There was no Ali Baba? I never said anything about Ali Baba. Just Aladdin and the princess. I can't help it if nobody believes me. It's true every word. Now, we wouldn't like that at all, would we? Of course not. Pleasant dreams, Mr. Andrews. And remember, this is not the Arabian night. Oh, all this... all this can't be happening to me. Not me, Kenny Andrews. Everybody's known me before. I always know the right time. But I tell this story, they look at me queer. So it does sound screwy, so it's my fault. But I've got to drink this, buy it, I swear it. Listen to me somewhere, listen! All right. Only two weeks ago, everything's normal, see? Like always, I'm doing the best I can with an angle. Only the best wasn't so hot the last few months. I've been up the creek, the horses were dogs. My one unhacked suit was all ripped and torn by a Satan Broadway bookie. That is important. Keep your eye on that suit. I was absolutely from hunger, sitting in the lobby of a cheap hotel in the 40s. When low, this strange-looking character walks into my life. Good morning, friend. Do you ever dream? Just like that he began, this strange-looking guy with the purple hat. Do you ever dream, my friend? I'd noticed this character before shadowing me for days. On Times Square, I buttoned my shoe. How do you do? There he is. I lose him in Shoebot Alley and he's the man right behind me when I'm putting a slug in the automatic. And now his Mr. Queer's sitting beside me. Do I ever dream he wants to know? What is it you dream when you dream, my friend? I'm interested in wish fulfillment. Say, listen, pal, are you for real? What's the idea telling me anyway? Go take a long trap. I'd like a word with you. You see, Mr. Andrew... How'd you know my name? I am a mystic, sir. I know all. Oh, yeah? Maybe you know where I was born. Two forks, and now about your dreams, sir. Say, who are you anyway? Oh, call me Aladdin. Huh? Cut your kidding. Aladdin? Yes. Would you like to try my magic lamp? The guy is strictly from the nightmare, I figure. But let him talk. Look who's selling hood at Brooklyn Bridge. Answer, friend. You begin to rub my lamp the wrong way. Now look at Mr. Aladdin. Suppose you scram before I... Freeze, hello. Put up your hands. Reach for the moon. Suddenly, the crazy little guy had me covered with a little green gun. Reach! What is this? Stick up, you fool. To throw away good fortune when it seeks you out. For the last time, sir, what is it you dream when you dream? The theme that keeps returning. Your heart's desire. Like a nightmare. Watch your step, Kenny, I say to myself. You're dealing strictly with a query. Humorum, or you're a dead pigeon. Oh, okay, sure, boy, I get you now. I always dreamed that somebody suddenly handed me 50 grand and a beautiful princess. Ashkenasi! My gosh, I hardly get it out of my mouth when it happened. Just got to believe me, you got to, I tell you. This weird character in the purple hat, he whoops out a huge envelope, he counts out $51,000 bills, he hands them over to me, he shouts. The princess, my friend, will come later. And he disappears out of the hotel. The honor on my mother's grave. That's the way it all started. Once in my story it sound like a hothead's fantasy. I don't blame anyone looking at me sideways. I even examined my own head listening to me tell it. Such things don't just happen. A strange character in a purple hat, a green gun, and there it is. First I don't believe my eyes. A guy like me, sharp, knows what time it is. He's strictly from Missouri. Still them green bikes look like the real McCoy. I stumbled over to the bank in a corner and up to a bank teller. I had to find out. Would you kindly mind breaking this bill for me like a good peller? Well, let's... The guy stared at the bill, stared and stared, and then at me, suspicious. Say... Goodbye, Kenny Andrews. Ten years' stretch. A thousand dollar bill? Well... He's casing it, but good. Easy, Kenny. Keep that heart still. Keep that heart still. Keep that heart still. Will he? Here it comes. Yes, I... You know, we don't get these very often at this branch. How would you like to have your change, sir? Clean. It was clean. Fifty thousand cabbages. A minute ago, I couldn't crash a knee to stand, and now I'm king. My head spun round and round. I nearly passed out. Next thing I know, I'm spread out on a bed, back in my crummy hotel room. I feel in my shirt. It's still there. I count the bills again. All there. Passports to heaven. Hold on to that green. Hold on. All the money in the world and the world at your feet. First buy a new suit. Don't answer. Get rid of these rags. It's sweet at the Waldorf. Ignore it. You're not here. Don't talk. It's yours. Guy in a purple hat, he came over to you, so it's magic. So what? I heard of such a thing. I read of such a thing. You're such a wise guy. Maybe I'm dreaming. No. No, not that. No, no. Hello. Oh. Mr. Aladdin? You are not dreaming. Oh, wonderful. I am? I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. Aladdin's my boy, see? No questions asked. Who cares about front when you're healed with 50 Gs? Flaws make the tin horn, but when you're a prince, that's how all my troubles began and headed me for this joint. When I can't resist anymore and go and tell the strange events to the boys along Broadway to give me the quick brush of roux. It was unnatural. Am I dreaming, I say to myself? All right, if I am, I'm going to get rid of the silly sequence. Things must go. I enter a ritzy dog shop. My good man? Yes. I was just torn to shreds on the stock exchange. You know, the Harley Boiley. Ah, I see, sir. Yeah, you know the bulls? I understand, sir. A new shooter. Yeah, I want to order about a dozen, and I want them out of this world. Something with a little dash supreme. Yes, sir. Well, now, if you'd like to consider these numbers here. But just then, my eye caught something looking in at me through the window. It was another eye that had a mad stare, and over it was a purple hat, and a pocket was aiming at me against the window, and went out seeing it at all. I knew it was a little green gun. These charming summer worsted, sir? Look, pal, what are you showing me suits for? Who said suits? I said overcoats. You said overcoats? With a fur collar. A fur collar? In July? Are you mad, sir? Why not? If I got to wear a coat to cover my past, it might as well have a fur collar. I always visioned being one, but only in my wildest dreams. So, next with a lot of haberdashery and gloves, and this and that, and a walking cane, I'm ready for anything. I'm out to live, see? Come what may. Even a dog catch it. That night, Manhattan finds me slummin' at a private table in a midnight casino, the classiest spot in town. Where before, I could never even afford the bar. You're the monsieur? I already had a few quickies all over the stem. By now, I am a god. Champagne, Charlie, and a bottle for every lady in a joint whose escorts would claim a purple hat. All eyes were upon me with admiration, including the most gorgeous little number at the very next table. Big pardon, monsieur. It's the way to smile and not be very polite. You forgot to check your coat at the door, monsieur. It is a rule of the establishment. Yeah, we'll see about this. Call a headwaiter. I am the headwaiter. Oh, you are, huh? Go drop dead. Gentlemen, please. That luscious brunette with the creamy shoulders sitting alone at the next table. Pierre, your manner. You disappoint me. But he's wearing an overcoat. Silence. Why do you not take this gentleman's order? But it is a rule of the house. Rule? Rules are for the riffraff. Can you not see he is perhaps an eccentric millionaire that he is moreover to be my guest? Oh, so, princess, be in that case, princess, a thousand pardons your imperial highness. Go ahead, say it, tweet, tweet. Kenny Andrews got the DTs. All right, don't swallow it then. But will someone please solve it for me? I am lonesome young man. Won't you join my table? So this is the princess I was foretold. We made it a twosome, this royal doll and me. We killed three pardons, never taken our eyes off each other. Each was too entranced. Now what are we doing? We're sailing along 57th Torque Park Avenue. Her head on my shoulders. Oh, kenyusha. In the sky blue limousine driven by a little midget. You hurt me a little midget. Be kind to me, babushka. Here's a Russian that seems, princess Julie, from a branch without the head's cut. And she gives off like a rose. Promise you'll be very kind. Where we going, princess? Oh, you silly goose. Don't you remember? We are on our way to my apartment. Sit close. Morvotka, my darling. It is the champagne of the Volga. Sure, my love. And what about some delicious joyva? What's that? Joyva is the love candy of the Orient. Open your mouth, my little kenyusha. Oh, wonderful stuff. Oh, this ain't happening. This ain't really happening, is it? Oh, hash my life. Go on, tell me more of your philosophy. Where was I, princess, baby? Angle. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's all a matter of angle, see? I'm full of them, your highness. In this town, if you shop, cut your wits, never give a sucker an even break, one can rise to millions. Not taking two forks. Two forks? Who is two forks? In Oklahoma, where I was born. Out there, they don't even know what time it is. If I stood out there, you'd worship, I'd commit suicide. I ran away when I was 12. More vodka, kenyusha. You tell me about it, I must know all about you. Naturally. I live with my uncle Iggy, see? Well, a poor yokely spends all his time digging, digging in his backyard. Oh, what? Worms? Here, can you tie that? How clean to go. You're my cousin, Your Excellency. Just as dopey, Joe and Fanny and all the rest. The cows give a milk today? That stifles me, get it? There's no room for a smart guy with a niche in a place like that. You listen? Yes, drink up, my love. So I get my first angle. I organize a cousin's club. I like myself treasured. You'll buy me a ticket to New York and shake the dust forever. That's a pretty good hack. You're grace. You're grace is who the room is turning sideways. Come closer, my heart. Kiss me again. Kiss me. It's hot in here. Then why not take off your overcoat? Can you shut up? I'm all right now. So, Princess, whose cane is that over there by the piano? It's not mine. No, no, my sweet, it is my husband. Some music. You what? Don't be alarmed, Kenny. He's out of town. Oh, I hate him. I hate him, the beast. He abuses me so. How he does, huh? Oh, babushka, who am I telling you all this? Because always in my lonely life I am looking for someone. In my dreams I have seen him and he has caressed my cheeks. But the days go by and the years and he does not come. And yet, always I know that some day oh, oh, oh, what happened? At midnight's love, one glass. Oh, you're right, man. Do you feel that way, too? Oh, Kenny, you do love me. Oh, do I? Oh, Princess, I'm crazy about you, Your Honor. With all my heart and soul and it's a great privilege I never visioned. I do anything for you. You do anything? Anything, just to have you. Would you commit murder for me? Murder? Would you commit murder for me, Kenny? What's that? Speak low. This is the speaker. My husband, it's his knock. Your husband? I don't just... Don't you kill for me, Kenyusha. He's got his key. Oh, my God, take it. When he opens the door. Shoot. Do you love me, Kenyusha? Do you want me? Oh, my heart. Think only that monster stands in the way. What are you waiting for? Shoot, shoot me. Do you dream when you dream, my friend? I think I would be getting complaints about all day with Aladdin's lamp. That raggedy bum with the fur coat in July? Casey, I want him picked up and put in the cage. He's right here now, Chief. He wants to see you. Oh, my gosh. Okay, wild eyes. I can't stand it anymore. I'm going to give myself up. Casey, don't go away. I don't want to be left here alone with this lunatic. What's up? He says he just bumped off a guy a half hour ago. What? Who did he bump off? Aladdin. Aladdin? Ain't that a hot one now? I don't know what they be doing. I'd kill them in cold blood. I don't know what come over me. But she's absolutely in a clear eye to you, and I'm willing to fly alone. Hold on there. She. Who is she? The princess whom I was doomed to meet. The princess? Why, sure. I don't give me any more that Arabian knights. What the devil are you wearing a fur coat in July? I think you're crazy. I'm beginning to think so, too. Shut up. Stop shaking. What about that 50 grand fairy tale? It's gone. After we killed him, we ran out of a apartment. I felt my shirt, and it was gone. We killed him. Where's the princess? She had an appointment with a hairdresser. What? Sit down. You mean that murderous- What? Murderous. I absolve her. I turned her head. For once in my life, I'm going to act like a man. I killed him. Well, I can't stand it anymore. My conscience has been haunting me. It's like a nightmare. You expect me to swallow that hocus pocus? What do I look like? I swallow it, but please solve it for me. Where is the corpus, if any? Why are you dead and to be? All right, let's go. But if you're dragging me along on a wild goose chase, I'll put you away in a padded cell. Now, come on. It's vacant, bare. No one even lives here. Where do you see a body? I can't understand. My gosh, officer, I was just here, but now it's empty. Hey, what are you trying to pull on here? Can I help you, gentlemen? Who are you looking for? Who are you? I'm Mrs. Podoski, the janitor. Well, who lived here last? You know a princess, Julie? A princess, which? I'm afraid, miss, that you got the wrong building. No one been living in this apartment for the last six months. What about it, Pierre? You're the head waiter in this nightclub. Do you ever know or wait on such a dame? Your princess, your princess, Julie. Yeah. But no, miss, your inspector. She is utterly unknown, and this is definitely one. That's a lie. You remember Don Welch just a couple hours ago? My fourth coat. She was sitting at the next table. Yeah, do you know this eccentric jerk here? Take a good look at him. I have never before seen him in my whole life. Get back in my car. You're headed for the jerk princess, Julie. Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait. I remember something now. She gave me a piece of paper somewhere. A phone number. Look, look, look. The phone number. Her hairdressers were where I was to call her. Instead, I gave myself up, and it's, look. Let's see. There's a phone in that store. Go ahead, call it. Ask for it. See if I'm crazy. All right. Kenny, just one more chance I'll give you. But if you're giving me the business again, I'll tear you limb from limb. Come on. Is this a hairdressin' pilot? What's that? A ravishing boomer. Shut up. This is Inspector Ross, police department. Is this a hairdressers? My dear fellow, this is a private sanitarium for the insane. What? Dr. Bennett speaking. Tell him a tita like a pile. Shut up, you. Sorry, Doc, I guess this is just a bum steer. You see, I got a prisoner here. It told me that a princess, Julie. What's that? What's your prisoner's name? Kenny Andrews. Kenny Andrews. That's him. Don't let that man away. Get him right back here. He's an escaped lunatic. What? Well, I'll be. Now this makes sense. Look, Doc, give me your address quick. I'm delivering him myself in person and it'll be a pleasure. Is the princess there? What do they say, huh? What do they say? Brother, you're going home. Is this your man, Doc? Yes, that's him. He escaped from here two days ago. I never see you before in my life. Entertainment, give me a hand, quick. I'll be alone. What's your one? Hey, please, this is a terrific... Thank you, Inspector. It's lucky for the community you found him. Yeah, and am I glad to unload this baby. What a ride he took me for. What an imagination. He's definitely a schizophrenic, poor lad. Too bad. Well, of course, we'll just keep him here under observation until he's committed elsewhere. You know to fight his relatives? Yes. They're on their way now from Oklahoma. They haven't seen him since he was a child. I hope they won't ask for his release. That would be tragic. It'd be bloody murder. Well, he's a menace. I'm sure glad you're taking him out of circulation. That's my story. See, the whole truth. I swear it, it all transpired. Listen to me, someone. You don't believe it, then at least solve it for me. I'll be out, you hear me? Open this door and let me out. Just while my cousins get here. That's Sorbo's alias. They tell the honest truth that we shouldn't have been doing. Who again, Mr. Andrews? Aren't we the troublesome patients? You just wait till I get here. Your cousins are here now. Let's calm down so they won't get frightened. So we can go home with them to two forts. Otherwise, we'll spend the rest of our life here. That's the boy. This way, please. Kenny is ready to see you now. Oh, I'm glad you guys came. If you only knew... You! Where is it you dream when you dream, my friend? Alive. You're dead! No. Cousin Joe. Alive. I promise you will be very kind. Can you shut up? Princess Julie! Who'd you rather? No, cousin Fanny. You're crazy. But my golly, what is this? Am I still seeing things? Hey. Hey, you two been taking me for a sleigh ride? Oh, no, cousin Kenny. How could we? Yokels like us take a sharp guy like you. Not your dopey cousins from two forts, Kenny. The cow's giving milk today. Oh, my golly, what's your angle? I don't get it. I don't get it at all. You will, Kenny. You remember Uncle Iggy? Diggin' and diggin' in his backyard. For what, Kenny? Wives. Right. Uncle Iggy died two weeks ago. You know, from what, Kenny? What? Heart shock. You know what? Give him heart shock, Kenny. He struck oil in his backyard and became a millionaire overnight. You know who he left a six million to in his will, Kenny? Who? You. But you're not gonna enjoy it, Kenny, because you're non-compassmenace, get it? You're crazy. And that's where we come in, Kenny. You see, his will also reads that when you die, all go crazy. The fortunes to be split among your other cousins. He always did suspect you'd suddenly do one or the other, Kenny. Wait a minute. Wait a minute! This has all been a frame-up. Sure, sure, I get it, everything. I've been framed. You wanted to make people think I don't hate wire. So you put up this whole, this whole mishmash. How did you know where to trail me? Easy. For a smart guy with a niche, only one place for him. New York. And who met up with a certain bookie, the rest was easy. Oh, for the headache. I've got things pounding in my ears. That gun I plugged you with. Blanks. That waiter at the casino. Cousin Georgie. The shorebones. Cousin Hank. The midget. Cousin Lou. The janitor. Cousin Fessy. Oh, this should happen to me! You crooks, you swindlers! You admit it! You stay there and admit it all! Why not? I'll lose now. Who could do such a thing to your own cousin? You remember the cousin's club, Kenny? Now you angle your way out of this, baby. Come on, Fennie. He'll weep. Let's go. Make with the paper dolls, Kenny. No! Don't listen to your robes! You can't pull us on me! Never! You'll never get away with it! You'll see! You think you're pretty slick, huh? These guys. Make with the paper dolls, huh? Oh, God, I'll never keep me here. That Kenny Andrews. Such a thing shouldn't happen to a dog! What'll I do? Spray me someone? Listen to me? If you do something funny that you're sitting for, this thing's funny? Then so the curtain falls on the case of the missing mind, which was chosen by guest expert Craig Rice. Ms. Rice is the author of Having a Wonderful Crime. Next week at this time, Murder by Experts brings you a story of a New Year's Eve masquerade party, with death as a guest in disguise, selected for your approval by one of the foremost leading mystery writers of the world. Until then, this is your host, John Dixon Carr, hoping you'll be with us again next week at this time. Case of the Missing Mind was written by Joseph Rusko. In our cast were Carl Eastman and Shepard, Bill Zuckert, Ralph Komargo and Bert Collin. Music under the direction of Emerson Buckley, composed by Richard DuPage. Murder by Experts is produced and directed by Robert A. Arthur and David Cogan. Though talking speaking, this is the mutual broadcasting system.