 The Jack Benny Program, transcribed, presented by Lucky Strike. And now, your attention, please. Our bow slips, so he isn't arguing with us, and now I'm with him out, but we've been sussed on with him, sussed on with him. Words promises double talk. A continuous stream of empty cigarette claims pours through your radio. But now this smoke screen of double talk is swept away by facts, not claims, facts. Here they are. A month after month continuing quality comparison based on tests certified to be impartial, fair, and identical proves Lucky Strike by a wide margin is the best made of all five principal brands of cigarettes. That's a fact. A fact verified by leading laboratory consultants. For example, Foster D. Snell, Incorporated of New York City, reports. In our opinion, the properties measured are all important factors affecting the taste of cigarette smoke. We conclude that Lucky Strike is the best made of the five major brands. Yes, Lucky's are made better. Always so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw, with no annoying loose ends to spoil their taste. A big reason why Lucky's taste better. So when choosing your cigarette, don't be misled by the smoke screen of claims made by other cigarettes. Remember the facts. Enjoy fine, mild, good tasting tobacco. In the cigarette that's made better, the cigarette that tastes better. Lucky Strike. Get a carton today. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, on Friday, November 9th, at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel in New York, the Friars Club is giving Jack Benny a dinner to commemorate his 20 years in radio. As we look in on Jack now, he's rehearsing his speech for the occasion. So in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for this great tribute. There, how did that sound, Rochester? Fine, boys, fine. Let's say, boys, this party they're giving you, how long is it going to last? Oh, it'll start about 8.30, should be over by 11. You call that a party? Rochester, I think that's long enough for a party from 8.30 to 11. With us, that's known as the children's hour. Never mind, just finish my packing. And Rochester, while I'm going forward all my mail to the Waldorf Astoria. You staying at the Waldorf? Yes. I made a reservation for you at the Acme Plaza. Well, just forget about it. Well, we can't, boss. We can't. Why not? They're holding two clean sheets for you. She, with a thing, won't do for celebrities. Well, we better write them a nice note. I'll answer the door, Rochester. You finish packing. Yes, sir. So, my darling, though we've parted, come back to whence who we started. Whence? Yes, whence. It's the poetic form of where. Oh, hello, Mary. Come on in. Well, Jack, I'm all ready. Are you packed? Almost. I would have called you, but I'm so busy with all these last minute things that I'm nervous to. Well, I don't blame you for being excited. Jack, I bet that banquet will be just wonderful. Well, it should be. Practically everyone in the business will be there, Milton Burl, George Burns, Jesse Block, Eddie Cantor, Fred Allen, Georgie Gessel, and a lot of people. Jack, they asked Fred Allen to come? Well, Mary, they weren't going to, but I insisted that he be invited. Ah, that was nice of you. And I hope you'll forget your silly grudge and talk to him at the banquet. Mary, these days, Allen doesn't need conversation. He needs food. Believe me. Well, Jack, it should be a nice banquet, especially at the Waldorf. What are they going to serve? Well, they left that up to me, and I told them I'd like something I usually eat at home, something like pheasant under glass. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. What are you laughing at? The closest you come to pheasant under glass is when your parrot fell in the fishbowl. Mary, don't be ridiculous. I wouldn't eat Polly. But boss, I saw you put it in the oven. Only to dry her off. Now look, Rochester, if you don't finish my packing, I'll answer the phone. Will you, Mary, please? Oh, sure. Hello? Hello, Liv. Oh, it's you, Phil. Yeah, but on a streetcar, I'm called Desire. Well, that's what happens when you write your own stuff. What do you want, Phil? Is the old man around? Yeah, Jack's sitting in the next room. Well, if the phone cord don't reach, call me back when he's closer. Oh, wait a minute, Phil. I'll call him. Jack, it's Phil. Thanks, Mary. Hello, Phil. Hey, Jackson, I just had to call you. I thought of the greatest joke that you ever heard in your life. Look, Phil. Hey, ask me why girls who live in the Rockies won't take sun baths. For heaven's sake, Phil, I haven't time for that corny stuff. I'm packing for my trip to New York. In case you don't know it, the Friars are giving me a testimonial dinner there. So what, Markster's giving me a testimonial next week? I almost cried when they gave me my gift. They gave you the gift already? What is it? A baton with a corkscrew on the end of it. Gosh. Yeah. I got a little deal with the arranger from now on. He's writing a nothing but outbeats. Look, Phil. Too bad you can't be there, Jackson. You're going to miss my speech. Oh, are you going to make a speech, too? Certainly. Hey, look, how's this sound? Guests, friends, fellow musicians, and policemen. Oh, you invited the police? No, but they'll be there. They'll be there. Oh, they're bound to be. Look, Phil, I like to stand here and talk to you about your soiree, but I have to finish packing. So long. Now, wait a minute, Jackson. Wait a minute. I want you to hear that joke I called about. Ask me why girls who live in the Rockies won't take some baths. All right, Phil. Why won't girls who live in the Rockies? Rochester. Rochester. Just a minute, Phil. I better answer the door. Never fails. Whenever I'm in a hurry, there's a million interruptions. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello. Come on in, kid. Well, Dennis, I suppose you came over to say goodbye. Yeah, how did you know I was going away? Oh, are you going away, too? Uh-huh. As long as I got a few days off, I thought I'd go to Waxahatchee, Texas. Oh. Are you going there on business? No. Oh, then you have friends there? No. Relatives? No. Rochester, be sure to pack my tuxedo. I'll eat it for the banquet. Yes, sir. Dennis, if you're not going on business. Mary, don't get into it. Please, don't stop. We're starting on a trip. Let's be happy, go lucky. Jack, I've got to ask him. Dennis, if you're not going on business and you have no friends or relatives there, why are you going to Waxahatchee? The name fascinates me. Well, Dennis, for you, that's a good reason. I remember once you went to Philadelphia because your mother wanted cream cheese. How are you going to Waxahatchee? By train? No, I'm going to fly. Oh, you're flying. What plane are you going to take? No plane. I need the exercise. 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Dennis, Dennis, what are you doing? I'm counting up to 10 for him. He's so mad he can't talk. Well, maybe ought to do your song. Yeah, I think, gee, look at the way his eyes stick out. I better sing. Yes, I'll say you better. When you talk to me, I get so mad. Then when you sing, it's the most wonderful thing in the whole. Jack, he went out. No, he walked into the closet. Lock it, Mary. We're not any long, too, Jack. OK, Mary, I'm sorry we're not going on the same plane. Well, I can't go to Tuesday, but I'll see you in New York. Yeah. Come here and kiss me goodbye. OK. They'll be all right by the time I get to New York. Goodbye, Mary. Goodbye, doll. Gee, she called me doll. Now let's see, what was I doing? Say, boss, do you want to take your violin along on the trip? My violin? Say, maybe I'd better. See, Cliffton Fadiman invited me to appear on the Lucky Strike television program. This is show business. And they'll probably ask me to play. Want a bet? Look, Rochester, you don't have. Oh, no. Answer the door, will you please? Yes, boss. Hello, Rochester. Mr. Benny in? Yeah, come right in. Boss, it's Mr. Georgie Gessel. Well, Georgie, nice to see you. What are you doing here? Well, I had a few minutes between banquets, so I thought I'd drop by. Well, this is a pleasant surprise. I didn't expect to see you till we got to New York. Well, Jack, I had a reason. I've been thinking about your dinner. About the testimonial dinner? Yes, and I thought that instead of having the usual type of speeches, it might be a lot nicer if I told them the story of your life. Say, that's a pretty good idea. At the dinner, huh? Do you want me to write it? No, I wrote it myself, but I want your approval of it. Oh, about my life. Hey, well, go ahead, let's hear it. All right, OK. Now, after the preliminary speeches are over, the lights will dim down. I'll stand up, and there'll be a big fanfare. Ladies and gentlemen, our story starts with the birth of Jack Benny in the year 1894. Just 39 years ago. The little town of Warkegan, Illinois. The proud parents gazed with delight, and the blue-eyed baby. And it was at this moment that Jack Benny's voice was heard for the first time. And Papa, he's so cute. Yes. We'll call him Jackie. Doctor, I want to ask you something. Oh, I know all parents think their children are unusual. But honestly, Doctor, isn't our Jackie different from most babies? Oh, yes. Little Jackie Papa, he's got your mouth. And he's got your nose. And he's got your eyes. And he's got your ears. And look at his hair. That's mine. It slipped off. Now, Mr. Benny, about my feet. Don't worry, Doctor. Just mail your bill, and my son Jackie will send you a check. Well, thank you very much. Your son here, Jackie, he's only a few minutes old. How can he send me a check? I don't know how he did it, but he already saved $800. And so the little baby began to grow and make rapid progress. At the age of six months, he astounded medical science because he had 32 teeth, all uppers. Our little Jackie was a happy little child. And all day long, he used to sit in his crib playing with his toys. As he grew older, his parents gave him everything he wanted. But Jack wasn't an only child. He had a younger sister named Florence. Today, he has an older sister named Florence. He passed, and finally, Jackie ended school. As a student, he was exceptionally bright, particularly in arithmetic. And now for the next question, I will call on Jackie Benny. Yes, teacher. Now, Jackie, if you loan $10 to Albert and $5 to Irving and $15 to Tommy, and they all paid you back at once, how much money would you have? $31. I'm sorry, Jackie, but the correct answer is $30. What about the interest? Yes, I forgot. And that reminds me, Jackie, I'll pay you the money I owe you Friday. Good. Good, good. Then I'll give you back your wristwatch. It was easy to see that there was something about Jackie that was different from other boys. In his class, there was one little boy who lived near the stockyards. There was another whose home was above a livery stable. Still another who lived next door to a glue factory. Yet Jackie was the only kid in the class called Stinky. However, somehow, he seemed to know that he was destined for a musical career. And for the next few years, he took violin lessons regularly. How many times must I tell you? Smoothly, smoothly. I'm sorry. We'll play it again. Only this time, hold the bow with one hand. You're not Ty Cobb. Hi. Not today. The lesson she is over. Oh, well, goodbye, Professor. Wait. You did not pay me. Huh? Mr. Benny, I want my money. But Jack was persistent about his violin playing. He took lessons. Year? Mr. Benny, my money. After year. Mr. Benny, my money. After year. Please, Mr. Benny, my money. Finally came the day of his graduation from elementary school. Oh, it was a proud moment for Jack and his parents. That was the day that he put on his first pair of long pants. They look kind of bulky over his diapers. However, as he was about to leave the house, his parents looked at him proudly and said, Jackie, we're proud of you. Thanks, Mother. And I'm so excited. Look at him, Mama. Doesn't he look handsome? Oh, he should look handsome. He's got your mouth. And he's got your nose. And he's got your eyes. And he's still got my hair. Get it, you'll get it. Let him graduate first. He's going to play a violin solo. Teachers and fellow graduates, your kind reception to my musical offering has filled my little heart with joy. But I don't deserve all this applause alone. Some of the glory must be shared by my music teacher. That wonderful man, that brilliant genius, that great. Never mind the compliments. I want my mommy. Jack Benny's schooling and violin study was interrupted by World War I when he entered the armed forces. He was really much too young to go, but his father was on the draft board. And so early in 1917, we find Jack Benny no longer a boy but a man, ready to enter the Navy. Goodbye, Papa. Go already. The war was over, and Jack went home, but his parents had moved. So he decided on Vaudville as a career. It was about this time that many changes took place in the entertainment world. New innovations had come along, the radio talking pictures. And at one picture called Lucky Boy, a handsome young leading man named Georgie Gessel scored an immediate smash hit when he sang, one bright and guiding light. That talk came wrong from right I found in my mother's eyes. Those baby tales she told. Georgie. Macarote, all paved with gold. Georgie, me, me, it's my life story. I'm sorry, with the advent of a radio, any new stars were made overnight. And one of the brightest was the man who always opened his show with. Hello again. From this, he became a star. But when Jack realized that he was a big hit in radio, he decided to get his own program. And first, he looked for an announcer. He didn't have to look far because Don Wilson was everywhere. So you want to be a radio announcer, eh? Yes, sir. Have you had any experience? A little. Well, before I hire you, I'd like an audition, please. Yes, sir. Listen to this. LSMFT, LSMFT, Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco. Very good, very good. Friends, we say luckies taste better than any other cigarette. And you have a perfect right to know why we make that statement. Well, we certainly do. So here are the facts. The taste of anything depends on two things. First, what it's made of. Second, how it's put together. Well, that's logical. Now to get better taste in a cigarette, you must begin with fine tobacco. That's right, there's no substitute for fine tobacco. And don't let anybody tell you different. Oh, I won't. I won't. And take your knee out of my stomach. So LSMFT, yes, Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco. And so Don Wilson was hired. Even though at that time, Jack was on for jello. But one of the freshest things about Jack's show was the new talent that he always found for it. And he usually met these supporting players in unusual places. For instance, one day while he was shopping. Oh, miss, do you have dental floss? Yes, the May Company has everything. And say, you have all uppers, haven't you? Hey, you notice everything. You're pretty cute. How about having dinner with me tonight? I'm sorry, but I never let strangers buy me dinner. Good, good. You're my type. Look, mister, you better stop annoying me. Hey, Mary, you want me to come over there and punch him in the nose? It's all right, babe. I can handle it myself. Yes, and that was how Jack first met Mary Livingston. He took her away from the May Company and made her a star. Then one day, Jack was crossing Vine Street. He stepped off the curb and whoops, sorry. I almost tripped over you. I didn't see you. I didn't see you either. I was face down. And so Phil Harris joined the show. Now that Jack had an orchestra, he needed a singer and he auditioned dozens of them. One day, he listened to a newcomer, a shy, apple cheek young lad with the face of a cherub and a beautiful voice. And when he finished singing, Jack said, So your name is Dennis Day. Yeah, you want to make something out of it? Hmm. Jack hired this talented young tenor. And after four or five years, with no outside help, he almost drove Jack nuts. Now with his cast completed, Jack decided to move into a new house in Beverly Hills with his faithful barit, Rochester. Boss, this house is sure beautiful. Yes, it is Rochester. But you know, I've been thinking. About what? Well, a house isn't really a home without a woman. Want me to get married? Never mind. And so Jack moved into his new home, which he still resides. The house is located in Beverly Hills. The day he moved in, his next door neighbor exclaimed, About the fence, Benita, do you honestly think that 20 feet will be high enough? Oh, distinguished guests and ladies and gentlemen, that brings us up to the present here at Jack Benny's testimonial dinner. And while we have kidded him tonight about those various characteristics he has assumed on his radio programs merely for the purpose of making you laugh, you who know him best will say of Jack Benny that he is a fine comedian and a fine man. I thank you. Well, Jack, that's the speech. How do you like it? Gee, it's beautiful, Georgie. Really beautiful. Well, I'm glad you like it. Well, I've got to be running along. I'll see you in New York. So long, Georgie. So long, Jack. Well, have you got the bags all packed, Rochester? Yes, sir. Well, you can take them out to the airport now, and I'll meet you out there as soon as I finish my television show. Say, that's right. That is tonight, isn't it, boss? Certainly, I go on in a couple of minutes. OK, boss, I'll take that. Wait a minute, what's the receiver doing off the phone? Huh? Oh, my goodness. I was talking to Phil, and I told him to hold the wire. I wonder if, hello, Phil, are you still there? Yeah, go ahead, Jackson, ask me. Girls who live in the Rockies take sunbaths. Because the mountain peaks. Mr. Lettsgard. Luckies taste better. Yes, luckies taste better. And one big reason is they're made better. Conclusive new proof reveals that Lucky Strike is the best made of all five principal brands of cigarettes. This is not a claim, but a fact. Verified by leading laboratory consultants. Earlier, you heard the report of Foster D. Snell, Incorporated of New York. Now, listen to the report of Frolling and Robertson of Richmond, Virginia. It is our conclusion that Lucky Strike is the best made of these five major brands. Yes, this authentic new proof sweeps away the smoke screen of empty claims made for other cigarettes. Double talk, like this. Our bow is still so used in arguments. That's the alarm with the mouse. But we can say so and it can say so long as it can. Words, empty promises. Don't be misled by them. Remember the facts. Remember LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Remember, luckies are made better. Remember, luckies taste better. Be happy, go lucky. Be happy, get better. Taste me happy. Go lucky. Go lucky, strike. Thank you, Georgie Gessel. Ladies and gentlemen, in just a few minutes, when this program goes off the air, those of you who haven't had enough of me can see me on television. So I'll see you in a few minutes. Good night, folks. This is Don Wilson reminding you to listen to your hip parade with Guy Lombardo every Thursday night presented by Lucky Strike. Consult your newspaper for time and station. The Jackman program is heard by our armed forces overseas through the facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service. This program is transcribed on the CVS radio network.