 So today, we're going to talk about guys who fall in love too fast and other things to look for in a relationship and Before I begin today's broadcast. I just want to say something for everyone is I am not here to suggest or we're not here to suggest that we are the absolute role models for relationships Does that feel true for you? Every relationship is different. Yeah So I I say this because a lot of people look up to us and while I do believe we can be an Inspiration for those who are in midlife to connect as we did beyond line I am in no way suggest our relationship is perfect by any stretch of the means even though a lot of people think that Does that feel true for you? It feels true and also You know, he's the expert not me and people want to hear from me and that's great I can give my opinion but but I'm not a coach So, you know, it's interesting. You said the word expert and you know to that extent I've studied this for I've been studying human behavior and Relationships for almost a decade and a half. So I certainly have amassed a lot of knowledge But let me just say this the word expert repulses me So I thank you for saying coach because that's really what I am So I want to talk about this topic about guys who fall in love too fast because in some way When I met you I was smitten by you. I really was I was absolutely smitten by you from our Well, I mean we had fun on our first date and and we certainly Clicked and because we weren't total strangers when we met because we built up a little bit of familiarity with one another I felt that you were enchanting and dearing, you know glamourous And such so I was a bit smitten by you And and I wanted to differentiate between guys who love bomb and come on strong and put their picture of you up on their refrigerator Do you want to tell that story really quickly? I know you shared it before shared it before it was a guy that I met I went to breakfast with them, then I went to dinner with them and then the next day He's just blowing up my phone and I couldn't answer because I was babysitting my grandchildren and then he says well You didn't respond. You made the refrigerator and he had all these eight by ten pictures of me that he downloaded and put on his fridge. I Thought that was a little creepy. Yeah, I would think that now that wasn't love bombing But that's demonstrating that he's really into you really fast, right? So so I think there's a big difference between being so I've talked about this on videos before lust and limerence and infatuation and Enlightenment and actually falling in love with someone and I know in our relationship, you know, I said the L word before you did And I said it rather quickly and what did I respond? Well, you said well, you're loving like wait actually why now I can't remember the exact words What did you say? He said I love you and I said you love me right now Well, and in all fairness it was in a intimate moment between the two of us So I felt very connected and I think this happens for men that when we're physical we can we might feel like that is love Well women feel that as well Well, is it well, it's attachment. Certainly. I felt very attached to you but I don't know if it like I always say love is is Will you be there to wipe off the vomit from a person's face that's going through chemotherapy? That's real love in my opinion. Will you be there through the tough times? It's not being there through the, you know, the fun and juicy time. So to feel that I know I probably felt I felt I Don't want to use the word love, but I I really I thought it was love But I know I was ahead of you than me. I was ahead of you than you I'm very cautious You know, this was This was probably our fourth meeting. Yeah, I know I recognize that and and we did something a little unusual Unlike other people we did three days of you know, because we have a long distance really or did have a long distance relationship We did three days back to back where we just unpacked We unpacked our lives who put our cards on the table, which is a little different than most but my point is I believe that The relationships that are the best. This is just a perception I have are when a man when the man falls in love with the woman before she falls in love with them What do you think about that? Well, I'll tell you why Because okay, so and I want to differentiate between those guys that are feeling lust or Limberance and limerence is coming from a very needy Infatuation place. It's not really coming from a place of really knowing the other person But why I said what I did I Feel as though because I was having such strong feelings for you that it allowed me to be Pursue the relationship with more Intentionality than I would if I put you in the so-called maybe category Hmm. So I so you have something to say. Well, I just didn't you know thinking back I think it's possible you were in the maybe category for me because it's like, okay I'm just getting to know this guy and He's saying these things and as good as it may feel to hear things like that. Yeah You know, you're you're still trying to you know maneuver trying to figure out if it's creepy if it's So so okay, well, I hope it wasn't creepy because if we did Yeah, here we are together, but I feel as though that by me Feeling having strong feelings for you and I felt your reservation. We even talked about that I felt that you put me in that maybe category It probably made me try harder Now I want to preface this though You weren't putting such roadblocks that made it difficult for me Right. Okay. What you were that when I say that you had you were you probably put me in the maybe category you were still very Interested in pursuing a relationship. I was processing. Okay To use my term Well, what I mean to say is but you were also invested Yeah, it wasn't like you were you know, leaning back in your feminine energy You were processing you weren't necessarily fully giving me your heart But you were fully engaged in the process of getting to know me Correct I mean for for me giving my heart to somebody is not something that That happens that easily. Okay, so so I wasn't very cautious. I was just being cautious So this is something I talk about with my clients all the time to be what's called Uh passionate detach passionate and detach and what that means is passionate means being open to the possibility And detached to the outcome. I don't think you were attached to Yeah, no, I've never been attached to an outcome. Do you want to talk about that for a second? Can you? What do you want me to talk? Well, I think there is a value of recognizing that I don't think you allowed yourself to get overly emotionally invested with someone you kind of Acted a bit. Well, I've jokingly said sometimes you're the guy, but you you have a logical side to you a pragmatic side that doesn't overly invest emotionally And a lot of people do that and then they get attached sometimes to the wrong person Well, my fear was just that getting attached to the wrong person So so when I would meet somebody, you know, I've met some Incredibly good-looking men and they thought they were a god's gift to the world so and they expected to get this attachment from me and and Doesn't work that way for me. It just didn't I just don't um I just don't But at the same time you were still investing in our relationship You were making effort. You were making effort to fly out here. For example, you were making effort on the telephone You weren't back like this You just emotionally held back a little bit to kind of catch up to where I was at But now let me ask you a question. Was I being overpowering? No Okay, no Have you experienced that from a guy that was overpowering in that capacity? Oh refrigerator guy. Okay, but that was like a brand new situation. So um, but in relationship, you know I think when a guy is clear that he likes someone and he's has strong feelings Then he is more apt to be Intentional in the process. He's more apt to be demonstrative effusive. He's more attuned to the person he's with and part of that includes you the Well, I'm gonna say the woman in this particular case not getting ahead of him. Like I always say it's like a pie it's a pie it's 50 percent, you know, like we always look at a pie at 50 50, right? But the but a woman should be like 49 percent holding back a little bit to really wait and see if he's really um legit or not I agree with that and I find it very sad and I've seen it in some girlfriends where they meet a guy and they think Oh my gosh, this guy is it. He's great and they They get so Attached to what they believe this guy is going to be The outcome the outcome. Yeah. Yeah, and then the guy didn't call me back and oh my gosh We were supposed to see each other this weekend and stuff I Was not like that because I thought to myself if it's meant for me it will be and But it's very sad to see you when when women are just So hurt Yeah, because they believe that that this is going to be their guy and then the guy is still playing around and not He's not really that interested It's funny I was just smiling right now because I'm thinking of the book by Steve Harvey act like a lady think like a guy And you know, I jokingly sometimes say you're the guy, but you're not in the relationship But I think that's one of the gifts you have and and while I don't subscribe to everything in his book I do like the idea that you had that capacity to be a little bit detached from the outcome And give yourself time to actually lean into this relationship Now I think a couple other things were important about this Which I said this is the topic when a guy falls in love too fast and other things to look for I I made notes here. I'll just share it with you. Okay. Okay. So I don't show her this ahead of time. I kind of spring this all on you. So, um trust Okay, you know trust and commitment I I think what oftentimes is truly lacking in relationships today And you and I were earlier talking about someone we personally know who is playing house with somebody, right? You know and what I mean to say is it's been going on for months And she hasn't really initiated a very strong conversation about where this relationship is going And I think it's critically important to have these deeper conversation of what does commitment mean to you? What does commitment look like to you? um Do you have anything to share on that? Um Well, first of all, I have to say not only do I not know what he's going to talk about Um, it's not that I'm nervous because we had some comments saying that I'm nervous It's just that if I Not sure what he's asking or what I'm so what I want to say that I just don't see anything at all I think you're processing I process a lot By the way, I do get her unfiltered processing all the time. Believe me. Marie can I was gonna say run at the mouth, but that's but that I didn't mean at that meat that crassly. Okay So but I I think when it comes to having deeper conversations This is what's lacking in a lot of of encounters today and I use the word encounters or dating It's there. It's great to like play house for a while But ultimately what's the point of being with someone if it isn't going to go the distance in my opinion? Yeah, I think um, I think what happens a lot is people get into the playing house and trying to be that um Play the good wife Um, you know, oh, I'll take your stuff. Say cleaner. Oh, you want me to go to the store? I'll do that for you and la la la and they get so involved in that because they want to be liked it all comes down to wanting to be liked be auditioning for this relationship Kind of reminds me of the chris rock comment You know people are showing up as the ambassador of themselves and yet one of the questions I talk about in my private coaching is to ask yourself How do you feel with this person? Like instead of saying how does this person feel about me? The real question is how do you really feel with them? You know, do you feel good? Does this person bring enrichment to your life? Or do you feel? anxiety because you don't know where you stand with this person and um You and I were watching a show the other day called love without borders Right and the the host of the show happens to be a personal friend of mine So that's why we're watching and we actually skipped a bunch of episodes Why I brought this up is this is a situation where This matchmaker sets people up who live in two different countries Like someone's in the united states. Someone is in ireland, dubai france What's the south american one brazil no no no panama panama, excuse me, and then there was gana And like here you're sent to this other country and then you live with them for your 90 day visa You know there is a 90 day visa Some of them I think we're longer depending on the country. So here you are you're living with them and you got to figure this out well What and by the way, almost all the the people were it didn't work out. Okay, the one guy the one guy from panama It didn't work out. But what what well actually a second go around But why i'm bringing this up is I really do believe there's value of thrusting two people together And really figuring it out sooner rather than later Because our current system of dating is a very long drawn out process of uncertainty for a long period of time But the situation with dating right now is if you're doing the dating apps, yeah um There unless someone really wants to build a relationship there, you know, they're They're swiping for the big next thing sitting on the toilet swiping When you're in the other room Well, not with you, but i'm guilty of that well, okay, so No, so i'm here to say that it's funny I was Someone made a comment on the channel about biblical relationships and I I thought i'm gonna google When was marriage when did marriage become a legal thing? And it wasn't but a couple hundred years ago that it was actually a legal contract, okay But I was thinking okay, let's go back to jesus christ time Back then marriage was if two people liked each other and they wanted to have sex together They were in a relationship. They were married, you know So today two people could like each other have sex together and there's no commitment whatsoever Other than maybe monogamy and exclusivity Well that that comes from Okay, men They're always going to go for the sex. Yes most men. I agree. Okay most men are going to go for the sex And you know a lot of women that's all they want as well Yeah If you don't express what you're looking for and if you don't set your own boundaries then Then how do you expect? To find the type of man that you're looking for you you have to set your own boundaries So refresh my memory. What did your dating profile say you wanted besides deeply connected relationship? I mean was it clear that you wanted? I just don't remember right now I just can't remember the particulars, but do you remember how? How serious you were that you wanted something significant that either lived together Or do you remember? Um, no, I never mentioned living together because this is the first time I've ever even done that. Okay It was that I I wanted a deeply connected relationship that would lead to mutual trust and admiration. Okay So something that But you knew upfront you wanted a significant relationship Oh, absolutely And you made that clear right, but you can make that as clear as you want on these dating apps You're not going to get what you the people that are going to contact you barely even know how to read. I think sometimes true that And you know, they look at pictures and they're like, oh, yeah this one. Yeah and this one and so some of these guys, you know, the Mad hinges in the world, you know, they don't want a relationship. They just want Somebody to hang out with and possibly hook up with and They're they're not looking for anything. So I say this is where there needs to be clarity So if a woman idea of a relationship, I'm just putting my hand up here, right? Her idea represents this and his idea represents this In other words, it's something completely different By the way that space in between I call drama by the way as a joke Um, but it's but the thing is the word relationship can mean two different things to two different people Absolutely. Yeah And so being clear on what that looks like is a critically important question because without it How do you build trust? Well, and here's the other thing and and I've seen it in someone my girlfriends Yeah, they they know that he's here and she's there They think they're going to change them. Oh, yeah I think he's gonna come around If I just go pick up his cleaners and go shopping for him with all this He's gonna realize my worth and yeah So so before we take questions from the group I want to dive into something that I made a comment here for myself I think what can women do to change their outcome because yes, there are flaky men out there There are lazy men that are men that are fear commitment. What can they do differently? And that is they have a strategy. I mean have a real strategy I think and strategy includes putting out the best if you're going to use dating apps as an example or dating sites Is putting out the absolute best representation of yourself I've seen so many terrible mediocre profiles and everybody thinks theirs is good So one is having a strategy two is having Like part of my job as a coach is being their accountability person is being that cheerleader Motivating them to make that effort might mean emailing a guy first like what you did Um, and that was only because you lived 2,000 miles away So you were doing a search here, but you made the effort first and I I invite women to do the same Having a strategy because here's the bottom line I asked a client this today How many single eligible men? Call you out of the blue every day. She goes none How many single eligible men call you out of the blue every month? She goes none I go how often are you in front of single eligible men? She goes never So if your lifestyle is not predicated to being in front of people How can they see you to even ask you out? You know, that's true, but also You know, you were talking about putting your your best Effort into if you're doing the dating apps and that doesn't mean putting filters on that means being who you are Because guess what when you do meet this guy He's going to find out that you don't look like those pictures. So you want to It would it's actually even better a friend of mine told me this He goes just put some average pictures out there Because when they meet you then they're going to be pleasantly surprised that you look so much better than you think Wait a minute. So isn't makeup a form of filter? Well, makeup is makeup, you know, if women don't wear makeup, then they look You know, unless you've got just beautiful perfect skin and eyes and all that It, you know, you kind of look kind of just shoveled Okay, so what about the fact that I had some professional photos that were slightly photoshopped? Yeah, yeah, I wanted that photoshop guy Yeah See, I really I have a scar here that uh, you see, I don't have anything covering up But photoshop fixes that sort of thing. Um, my the thing is it's yes Don't don't exaggerate your looks. I'm certainly in agreement in that But on some level we all have a filter if you will Of of trying to at least putting your best foot forward. I'm a big proponent of that But I'm really talking about having a strategy because here look folks Here's a link to my coaching right my whole job is to help women get clarity on who or they are what they want Teach them how to ask better questions of guys So you don't waste your time with the wrong guy create a strategy so you can attract this person in your life And it's one of the reasons why I get calls every week from clients who have worked with me saying I met a great guy and they know the difference And so my point is listen We give you a lot right and by the way, he's really really great at it and listen to him all the time He's really great at it. Well. Thank you. I appreciate that Well, I'm here to say I can teach you all the we were talking about red flags earlier and all the things Worth not to look for Matter of fact, should we talk about those green flags really quickly? And then I want to just shift to q&a and the point is I did a I did a meme I posted a meme on instagram and it says green flags in relationship Um, they can genuinely apologize. This is men and women alike. They lean in and listen They don't diminish your feelings. Do I do that? No, okay, uh, they take responsibility for their actions It matters to them how they make you feel They want to grow together and find compromise and solutions instead of blaming you or someone else They respect you and make you feel safe when you want to express your feelings their words and actions align They're not scared for the hard conversations. By the way, let's see if I can put that up there green flags to look forward to It's on my instagram. So if you want to find it, uh, just there's a link below to get on my instagram These are the things I know a lot of the videos is about what not to look for now. You have something to look forward Yeah, I was just gonna say that that we are we're also focused on the red flags that you know What they're doing that that's you know, you're when you're looking for a red flag You're bound to find one anyway, but if you're looking for the good things in people then You know, I'm not I'm not saying not to look for red flags because you don't want You know an abusive guy or something like that but but look at these things then you have to weigh those things out that Um, I always tell my clients treatment is children just assume that way And focus on the ones who actually are grown-ups out of those children Well, okay like when I'm stressed out, you know, I'm a little bit. So when I'm stressed out she treats me like a child Uh, anyway, I think this would be a great place to take questions for everyone watching right now If you're not familiar with my format In the chat box below write The word question then post the question thereafter or you can purchase a super sticker super Super chat with the dollar sign in the chat box all the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund In the name of my son connor asley. He's my son who passed away a few years ago There's a picture of him right there right behind marie And in his honor I donate to causes like the hoffman process or the hoffman institute and insight seminars And it's time to make a donation to them So please purchase the super sticker super chat. And if you're watching the replay, please, uh, purchase the super thanks So we've got some questions in the group. Let's see Uh, I saw some earlier bear with me everyone. That's the comments. Yeah, lots of comments All right, let's go to this one then If you wrote a question earlier, uh, cut and paste it and put it back where we're going to answer hillary's question There are emotionally uneducated men So do women wait for them to learn while they are getting to know you Getting to know them or vet and only choose those Let's show up that way That's an interesting question So I do well. Okay coming back to this tv show. We both watch the good doctor. Okay It's about an autistic man who is a surgeon And he's emotionally inept a little bit emotionally immature a little bit When I use the word immature he he struggles Because he's he's had to create a wall around himself for his emotions Okay, and he's fearful of touch. So he's he's got autism Now everybody knows this about him. Okay, so he might be what was the word she used emotionally uneducated and Because he has such a good heart because he's such a good person Um, the woman he's in a relationship with and he's he's engaged to be married We don't I don't know what's happening next. So don't spoil it for me because we're in season five of six seasons um, what we see is a progression of his Emotional growth and it is because of both the men and women in his life One is he has a mentor but two there are two women in his life that really helped him grow emotionally And each day you see him grow So I use that as a backdrop and I'd like your thoughts on this I think men when they're with the right woman that can lead by example A guy can evolve emotionally. Do you have any thoughts? I I completely agree I I think I mean not all men but the men that are open that they don't they've never had anybody Show them what it's like to love and be loved. Yeah, some men you You just lead by example for for example I mean I even with friends I've had friends that are not emotional at all and I decided I'm going to start Telling them at the end of a conversation I love you And guess what they start saying it back. Yeah, and so it those are baby steps but in a relationship you can you can teach a man how you Want to be treated by how you treat them? If it's the right man, well, and I think that's a great question So a lot of times women go, how do I know it's the right guy? I think first off you have to look at his character and is he a kind person And um, so I'm thinking of character in particular. I have one client who He's currently been living with a man for four years there. I mean, I think they'll get married at some point But they've met in their mid 50s and they're still um, they're they they share a home together One of the first things she learned about him was he gave a kidney to a total stranger Like who does that? Or some I mean, there are people do that But I think that was a demonstration of his character. So right off the bat She knew this guy was a bit, you know had a had a standard above most others in this capacity And what she witnessed was he's a kind man And not that he's emotionally inept. She's probably the more emotionally unavailable person Um, which does happen by the way ladies There are a lot of men that are really emotionally available and it's the women that are not um I think a lot of i'm going back to something you said I had a client tell me today. She's in her mid 50s And she goes I don't think I've ever felt loved and I don't think I've ever opened myself up to love And I believe there are a lot of people men and women alike that don't really know what it feels like To truly be loved for who they are beyond Beyond loving them for what they are but loving them for who they are Yeah, okay. Let me give you an example of what I mean You and I okay I'm embarrassed. I shouldn't tell all the reality shows we watch but we're watching the The desperate housewives of everly hills and I jokingly added the desperate part you you put that on I know no you were watching and then I started to watch it But anyway why i'm bringing this up is These are people to me that are all they care about is materialism And you know, yeah, they can pretend like they're all kind and loving that all they care about is their glam squad And their purses and these are the women and men are just as superficial in this group because they're choosing superficial people So they're loving people for what they are But not who they are on the inside And so coming back to your point Yes, I believe when you genuinely find a good man of good character and kindness who may be slightly Emotionally uneducated you actually can be the door opener to actually creating an opportunity to build Genuine love between two people because I always say women are the emotional Caretakers of the relationship men tend to be the physical caretakers and women are the emotional caretakers so I've I've met men that They have been taught to be macho and you know You don't show your emotions and then don't cry and and all that And when you start, you know having You know emotional conversations with them they some of them really It takes, you know a burden away from them that they can be Who they feel inside but they have to wear a mask to the outside And that especially happens in the hispanic community You know where men have to be macho and tough and all that kind of stuff Yeah, so So I you know, I can think of some some people in particular that you know, of course they they went and got some therapy And and realized that being an open um an available man Just made him more attractive I think you'd be surprised I think a lot of women consider men to be emotionally unavailable and all they need to do is feel safe With that person because trust has been built And we can talk about that a little bit later When that trust is built you'll be surprised men can actually gush a lot of emotions When they're with that person that they absolutely trust has their back And this is the problem with dating because we have a very drawn out process of dating instead of diving in Right in the deep end and saying are we a fit for one other? But that's for another conversation. Okay, hillary Thank you so much for your question. That was a good question. Yeah. All right. Dorothy writes question What do we do about men who seem to be great quality qualified men then months later after a commitment begins to sabotage it What do we do about that? Well, if someone sabotage a relationship, I wouldn't want to be with that person, you know, I mean now Typically though, some people sabotage a relationship because of fear um and sometimes either the fear that you will reject them So they sabotage it so that doesn't happen or that they clearly know they're not ready for something serious and they sabotage the relationship because I think a lot of people Sabotage relationship because they don't want to be the blame for it They want to create such chaos that the other person ends the relationship. Am I making sense? Yeah, you're making sense. But also sometimes relationships change people's situations change um, yeah, there was I dated somebody that that I mean everything was great But he had a different plan in his life and he was honest enough to tell me look This is what I want and so I don't want to put you through that nor did I want to go through that That's the person who put his career his job Uh, in other words, he recognized that his job was going to be such a priority that he couldn't invest in the relationship Now I do believe You know the question is did he know that before he started dating you or not? No, he didn't know that because that wasn't that This potential job was not on the table So he was just waiting for his two girls to go off to college and and then he would be free to to live anywhere or Um change jobs or whatever he wanted. He just needed that stability for his daughter's now I'm grateful that he ended the relationship. But do you think he ever he has regret? Possibly. Yeah. Yeah, we're friends Yeah, but I mean he's a great person So sometimes really good people can sabotage relationships because there's a fear going on or a lack of being able to fully commit And so those are just some examples and uh, dorthy. I hope that helped with your question. So thank you so much Gretchen says Oh, y'all look great together. Y'all. Oh, thank you. Uh, let's see. What else we have Uh question maria, right question Maria carolina aventura. Wow. Can you do that again? Okay question there is a man messaging me that is going through a divorce It's not final, but he said he is over just the paperwork needs to be finalized. What should I do? What would you do? That happens a lot But someone that's fresh out of a relationship Is looking to replace That you know, if they were married for a long time they They they either go one way or the other they want to be just like these crazy bachelors or just want to replace Find a new wife really fast. So I'd be careful about that So, you know, I think you get this is a really tricky situation and it's you know One size does not feel all or not fit all excuse me. I think there are a lot of men who The ink isn't dry yet or the ink has or the the papers haven't been signed You know until it's signed you don't know what could happen Like I mean a lot of things could happen He can go back to his ex-wife even though he said that he's not or I mean those are a couple things or he might Or drag out the paperwork that sometimes happens But I do agree with what Marie said Is that some men immediately attach themselves to another person? And some men the immediate as soon as they as soon as they are out of the house They're players and they're going to be players for a long time So I do believe so this becomes really tricky So the question you have to ask yourself Have you asked really good questions to determine if you're on the same page with one another and before you get Intimate with them or before you get to give your heart away I'd really want to make sure you're on the same page on your values your lifestyle and more importantly Is this guy even emotionally ready for a relationship and that again, that's what I teach in my coaching So by the way, there's a link below to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with the coaches right for you Do you have something to share? Yeah, I think it's important when I think everybody when they end a significant relationship They need to do some work on themselves. I believe that When I when I ended my significant relationship, I didn't date for five years Because I just decided I'm gonna work on myself. I'd never been alone and I traveled and made a lot of You know single friends to travel with I joined groups of solo travelers And I did a lot of things that made me happy Because I was hurting and so I needed to You know to slowly let go of all that pain So you have shared with me the the organization you went to it's called the naked divorce and naked recovery By the way, can someone really quickly if you contact a del at naked divorce or naked recovery and use my name or marie's name She's going to take really good care of you For those that have gone through a significant ending It's it really behooves you to do some personal development self-help spiritual work Kind of like what I talk about in my book what the heck of self-love anyway And and by the way, there's a link below to get all the books I recommend why it's important to do that and just like you when my significant relationship ended I really didn't pursue a significant relationship for almost five years until I met you Yeah I needed that time to heal So the question really becomes how much Introspective work has this person done this divorce guy whose paperwork hasn't been signed Because think about this A marriage is like this. It's a tapestry when you unravel the tapestry. There's going to be a lot of frayed ends And you know before this person can join someone else's tapestry. They have to heal their own Yeah, so those frayed ends. So that's what I'd be looking for maria So which by the way the naked divorce I it was a program that I did And I did it one on one and I you know, I happen to have gone somewhere else to do it But they do it online. It's it's a great program. In fact, if you go to their website, there's a testimonial about myself That is still up there. Yeah way back when and you were so cute Well because I was a mess when I went there and you know at the end it was like wow, I felt like A ton of bricks were lifted for me. Yeah So okay the naked divorce naked recovery. Okay. Thanks so much maria. Let's see Let's see. Wait a minute. What's this uh, jonathan Is it is that true that you're preaching of in-person dating mode home depot Makes their aisles a bit tighter so people can meet naturally. I mean if you look Lost in a construction area a guy a guy Come for you You know and she wrote to your rescue. I've never heard that actually that is a reason why their aisles I think their aisles are quite large by the way in my opinion, but I did get hit on at a home people Did you I did by the way, here's a woman who has her own tool belt. It's pink And you actually you put up a lot of stuff up in our house I was like amazed you pulled out the drill and you put stuff up. I know you were you had four children Well, no, I mean I I was raised in a household of mostly men I had three brothers and my father was Was very handy and so I just learned how to use tools. Yeah, so thank you to your dad. Okay Erica writes question. Do you think you can be in a relationship with a man who is 19 years older? Uh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, yes, you can in fact, um I where was I I was actually going back to biblical times. I think a lot of men 30 years old were marrying 13 year old girls So I know that's wrong. I'd buy today's standards Um, but yes, you can now here's where it gets tricky You share the interest in the same type of music Probably not probably not you share the same You know, there's probably going to be a disconnect Um with that age difference, but at the same time I can understand why a lot of women are choosing older men The men their own age aren't you may be immature They may not be established so I can see the benefit of that the real tricky part becomes as you age You know, I know a lot of women who have married younger men So excuse me the other way around younger women and their husband passed away and they're still in their 50s So these are just some things to think about but the answer is yes, you can do anything you want um But I would be mindful of some of the differences and also the the health issues that come to play Any thoughts? well, my thoughts are just that if if the man is 65 and You're what in your 40s um It's not going to be long before he's going to have some health issues in the matter. How buff and how I'm not that old. I still have health issues. So and you And by the way everyone I want to give a little props to Marie right now She has had some shoulder problems could each one of you do me a big favor and send her a lot of love and prayer She's going to have some shoulder surgery We hope soon, but she's in pain and she's a trooper to come out for today. So I really appreciate it. I'm on drugs But thankfully you're not too loopy. So so anyways, please send her some prayers I'd really appreciate it because all the prayers can help speaking of prayer for peace. You two look good together. Thank you so much Uh, let's see what we have here Dorothy writes vetted Found good quality men who who committed nearly a year later. He is sabotaging. What do I do now? I think we answered that question for you earlier um Rose says question. Why do men say they want a commitment but end up being a player? Yeah, I think a lot of men like just like what we were talking about they get divorced and suddenly You know, they think they are a god's gift to the world and they want to date every single woman on the planet. Yeah um They say they want a commitment but They really I don't I don't know that they that they know what a commitment is because they So You mind if I jump in? Yeah, go ahead. So I have a couple theories because you know, I was a serial dator after my divorce I really wanted commitments But then I would date someone for about six weeks to three months And I get scared because I wasn't ready for commitment because Here's the thing for a lot of men in midlife We've been programmed as us baby boomers the early state early gen xers Go to college get a job meet a girl get married buy a house start a family. That was our programming What happens is when we go through a divorce a lot of people are deer in the headlights They don't know what commitment looks like because they've got children. You've got children They don't know if they want to you know be a dependent, you know have someone dependent upon them Those are a couple things but also with player types They finally feel like they can be kids again This is the guy that gets out the Ferrari or the Corvette and you know, I I know look at I turned in a little bit of a Kid for a while Um, especially if they got married young Yes, they didn't have the financial resources and now they do have it Yeah, and so they they decided to go out and buy the toys and the boats and they The Harley and then they want the younger women, you know, so these are the reasons why the real question is Why would you want to date a player? Now? Here's the thing. I'm not saying you Intentionally go out the player but women traditionally can be attracted to the bad boy the guy who has all the toys the Harley the Right, you know the and they think they're going to change them And you can't change anybody look at the what about the women who date? Leonardo DiCaprio Like I mean this guy has a new girlfriend every day of the week So I mean don't you think they his reputation suggests that they're a player, but they all think They're going to change him And then there was uh, George Clooney. Yeah that dated everyone under the sun and then this spectacular woman That is so successful. She didn't need a guy like him And that's the one that he felt for. Yeah so um So show up as your best self and don't give your power away to a man or just a couple things to think about Thanks so much for that question. I really appreciate it. I want to give a little props to leaf right now She says everybody, please hit that like button right now. It helps Jonathan out Please share this video when it wraps up. Please subscribe to my channel if you're brand new So thank you so much. Um I do want to thank Linda Thompson for the $50 super sticker. Where is that? Look at that. Isn't that sweet for the Conner as a scholarship fund? Thank you so much So let's keep swimming here uh Erica says thank you so much for answering my question sending Marie many blessings and prayers You both are the past. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. Catarina says sends you prayers candy sends you prayers Michelle sends you prayers Margaret does All right, that's fine. Hey, I want to give props to my group called midlife love mastery. There's a link below This is my private group that gives you access to me on a direct basis Go check out the link and uh, if you want to have direct access to me on a regular basis The link below to midlife love mastery Pamela, I want to give you your props prayer. Thanks for the prayers. Pamela. I appreciate that um Someone says Can you please post the name if the naked divorce coach her name is Adele? A d e l e did I get that right? How do you pronounce the wrong? t h e r o n yeah t h so Adele took her own. So I hope that helps And mention both our names Uh, Pamela says if you ever catch me at home depot looking for a man or building supplies Do me a favor and shoot me the name just near You're a crack up Pamela. All right Ralph's a Ralph says question Should I ask him to move in after two months to save money? He's messy but always busy What do you think of that one? Because she's initiating asking moving in Hey, look at we we did this quickly Yeah, we did. Okay. Officially we didn't move in together until our fifth month, but But we talked about it in two months This is the first time I've ever lived with anybody. So it Actually now I lived with my ex-wife first I don't think I think that should be either a joint conversation Yes, or coming from him not you suggesting let's move in together to save money If it's to build a relationship then that's important But if it's just to save money, I don't think that's the right reason to move in together So I have a couple mixed feelings on that Uh, I think right before I met you I went to a uh speed dating event And during that evening I met a woman who was a therapist And she we're chatting a bit and she said oh, it wasn't speed dating. It was a speed It was a singles mingle. I should say it was a mingle And she was telling me her practice is booming right now and she said it's all men I said why and she goes well, I've got men who have moved in with women because of covet They decided to save money and commingle together because everybody was stuck during this time And now he's dealing and she was telling me how they're dealing with the problems of the relationship Again, I have mixed feelings in that maybe just like the the reality shows we watch love is blind Married at first sight all the others there's a value of moving in together because it requires you to for lack of better word Excuse the exponent shit or get off the pot And you can see you really don't know someone until you live with them Well, she already knows he's messy Uh, and he's busy and he's busy, but it's only two months Listen, it's probably not best. You have to have some real radical honest question You know conversations you need to lay your cards on the table and really there and also I don't want to use the word protect yourself But be prepared if it doesn't work out. We have friends that moved in together Rather quickly Yeah, we don't think it's gonna work out That's not fair. I think it will work out. I'm optimistic. Um, but at the same time Better to To jump in and it not work out then drag it out for three or four or five years only to be at the same place Oh, I agree with that at especially at this point in our lives I mean, do you really want to invest? A long period of time of your life and then find out that it's not gonna work Yeah, just like the person we were talking about it's playing house right now You know, I'm I'm not a big proponent of dragging out the dating process Especially for those of us in midlife and what I mean by dating the word relationship um You know, you have to define not only what it is, but what's the purpose of doing this together Are we doing it for the long run? Are we doing it for the short run? We talked about the long run very early on and i'm a big proponent of that So anyway, thanks for your question aralps and and rebecca says jeez. Hell. No, okay, so that's her response to you All right, uh Wait, you said our house. What is it? Oh, I do you say oh, yeah, we live together leon. We do live together um And we act like we're married Um, but we just live together. Let's see question. Okay. Here we go starshine Jonathan and marie if you break up while you're in a long-term relationship and the guy moved away And now you want to get back together. How do you get him to come back to you? You can't get anybody to do anything that they don't want to do if he moved away It's not If he moved away, he moved away. He's got to want to come back I I think a lot of these You know dating coaches that sell you on the deal text your ex back or get your you know He broke up with you get him back listen There's nothing you can do to well You can say you're pregnant. Maybe I have to get and I'm just joking but be manipulative Uh, which I don't recommend. I'm just saying you can do manipulative things But there's nothing you could do to change a person's mind. They have to want To want you they have to want that so if the relationship didn't work out I'd really try to assess why didn't it work out And really have yourself an honest conversation because I suspect star shine You're experiencing attachment to another person. You're very attached to this other person That's why you have a desire to want to work it out. Um, I'm going to grab a book here You know what and another thing is be aware of there's a lot of relationships and it happened to me where You're broken up and yet they kind of keep you on the hook like they dangle a carrot There because they know you're still emotionally involved and And that's not fair to you and that's that happened to me with my significant relationship that you know I ended up going to a delt for the um Naked recovery because of that and but if it keeps you Thinking maybe it will but maybe we'll get back together. Maybe it'll work until you finally say wait a minute. No he Ended this. It's done You said dangle a carrot You know, I I wonder if that's not a form of abuse I'm going out on limb here by saying that but I think that's emotional abuse when a person has ended I'm not I'm not saying all cases. I'm just I'm saying in some cases when somebody You know ends a relationship for whatever mediocre reason that they do because it tends to be somewhat like that um I think it's emotional abuse to dangle a carrot because you're you're it's almost a narcissistic And I don't know if Adele said that to you but there's also a bit of narcissism to try to keep someone on the hook for your benefit A relationship is a two-way street and let me just say this trust isn't just about fidelity Trust is they have the other person's best interests. You know in other words I have always your best interest at hand I really and I hope you feel that within our relationship and I feel that with you and so When someone ends it And then they dangle a carrot that's not their best and it's not your best interest They're serving their best interest. Well, there's also a term for that. It's called paper clipping. Oh, yeah Yeah, where they just you know pop in just to check in how you doing? Yeah, how's it going? And you know You know, I chose to put a stop to that because it doesn't do me any good So I am guilty of being a paper clipper I've done that with women stay connected because and this is going to sound terrible, but um When you've been intimate with someone you have a connection And then you're back out in the dating marketplace and you're like, I'm feeling kind of depressed I'm feeling kind of lonely. Oh, I know so-and-so will take my call Oh, so-and-so will hook up with me ladies establish a standard for yourself Don't go back to a guy who dangles a carrot Uh, and you know and don't be with men who just play house, but that's another conversation I want to see if there's any other questions that came in All right, uh All right, here's from one of my members from midlife love mastery Why do men on dating apps tell me that they want to be friends first stop contacting me? Stop contacting me the next day or contact me two or three times a week Then finally stop contacting me my profile states. I'm looking for a long-term relationship that leads to living together a marriage I think they're bored. Yeah, I mean it's boredom. It's uh, you know a lot of people on the Listen men or women alike a lot of people are thirsty for companionship connection sex And because of the internet, it's kind of like the paper clipping. We have this easy tool to connect with people Well, we might be flirting when I don't meet my someone might be flirting with multiple people It's kind of one of the blessings and curses of internet connection and so Go ahead. Well, I noticed that Um when I was on the dating apps It was always men that had their kids that weekend and the kids were off with their friends or something and so that's when they decided to just make phone calls and And just fill their time Yeah, which you know if I had nothing to do I'd talk to them too Well, I think men and women alike are thirsty for connection and so this easy medium of connecting with someone I say a lot of times people aren't dating. They're just therapists to one another because they just want Connection with another human being but they're not capable of something deeper. This is why I do my coaching Again, we you have to have a strategy And have real clarity otherwise What's the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results? So why does this happen because men are Men are lazy. They're bored. Um, they are Horny, I mean it's just the list goes on and on and by the way women do a version of this as well It's not singular to men. Women can be just the same with men or women put Men in the friend zone just so they can have someone take them out to dinner It's very easy though with the internet. It's just so easy to just You know hide behind a keyboard or a phone. I think we treat people disposably Yeah, that's not right. I'm not saying it's right. It's just what happens So set a higher standard for yourself. So thank you for that question Hillary asked a question. Can you recommend books to help a man express his feelings and thoughts? Yes, I can hold on Folks if you haven't read the book Nonviolent community here put it right there nonviolent communication by marshal Rosenberg Someone write that in the chat box. This is an amazing book to learn how to communicate In a more effective way, whether you are a man or a woman nonviolent communication by marshal Rosenberg All right. Thank you so much for that question. Hillary. Let's keep Oh my god, we have so much Um, let's go back this. I know I'm probably driving. Let's see. Uh, we already had that Okay, I'm gonna go here Leaf says el, please put a question before yours so jonathan can see it. It does make it easier for me Susan says check out the book secret language of your body by inna single Segal it might help your shoulder. Oh I hope you feel better. I love jonathan is dressing better since meeting you. Oh, thank you for that susan I thank you for mentioning that I think he looks great too. Oh Would you do me? That's a joke we have okay Uh question for marie Uh, is it difficult to live with someone no matter how lovely? Yes. So lovely after many years of being on your own I feel like I need space always. Thank you Um, you know what I'm very chill And I don't think you know it just It feels okay. I mean we're we get along really well. It's nice you know after Living through covet. It's very nice to have someone to just bounce ideas off of and just sit and talk and We have our morning coffee routine where you know, we talk about stuff and and now you're shooting videos And now I'm shooting videos. I and I swore I'd never do this So people thinking that I'm doing this to start my own channel. It's never gonna happen So I want to say something um, we happen to be We're both kind of we're both chill. I think we're both pretty laid back I think we're both can be a little bit of homebodies at times um I think we are very aligned And I think it's because we laid our cards on the table right from the gecko that really helped us Kind of assess are we really a good fit for one another and because of that we are together practically 24 7 and we get along really well um And I want to break it down to this one thing We are good friends to one another like I think we're like well, we were friends before like That was the question someone asked and And I think building a friendship really helped so well There was the we built some familiarity ahead of time But what I mean is we actually became better and better friends As we got to know one another because I'm going to say this we just like each other You know, I like her unique, uh, quirks. I think she accepts my unique quirks Uh, or we accept them both, but we genuinely like each other You know a lot of people are in relationship The people they don't like yeah, so anyway, that's just my my only quirk Is that if I could have it my way We'd be in a different country every every week. Yeah, we'd be traveling every week and doing Air b&b's all over the world. So but anyways, thanks so much for that question katerina. I appreciate it All right, let's keep swimming And hillary wrote the book non-violent communication by marshal rozenberg. Yes Uh, okay. Here's one question. I'm interested in a very kind seven-year younger man I live in a small town limited prospects is seven years difference I don't see a problem with that. I don't see a problem with it either My last significant relationship was a woman 10 years older than me and my last significant relationship He was eight years younger than me Oh that one. Yeah. Yeah So yeah, I don't think there's a problem with that Uh KS says marie is a fantastic addition to your podcast. Thank you so much. Thank you Katerina says I love your answer. I love your answer. Thank you so much. All right This will be the last question of the evening. So Question I'm approaching 40. I feel like men I've met are just out for sport Should I date older men got a lot of these older men kind of questions? Well, I do believe that a lot of men in their 30s. They're still Um Hooking up is the sport so Given that roughly about 75 percent of people over 45 years old are divorced The 70s right at the cusp. I think if they're never married They may be ready to settle down. They may not want a family But they may be ready to settle down if they just got a divorce at age 40 like I did I got divorced at age 40 I was I was a train wreck And I wanted companionship connection and sex under the guise of relationship But I was a train wreck. I wasn't capable of it. So just be careful When was their last significant relationship? Did they go through a divorce? Are they still dealing with the divorce? Do they have a contentious x and just to remember The more money a person has the more Possibility that they might become players. So look at their lifestyle. Are they buying the car? Do they have the Harley and then no disrespect to that? But are they reliving their childhood kind of thing? But there's also the other side of it. There's also the other side of it. What's that? I think that there are some men that um That like being in a relationship, especially if they didn't initiate a divorce and wanted to work it through and Oh, and those are the men that you know good guys that That you really want to catch them before they They can well, there's only one yes and except and I'm not the challenges coming back to the guys who are You know, they need to attach themselves to someone else. So this is really tricky I think doing some you know doing some everybody should do some therapy Everybody should do some personal development self up and spiritual work By the way, all the books I recommend are below because without doing some work You're just setting yourself up for the next There are a lot of good guys out there. Yeah, there are a lot of good guys out there They may not be the right for you. I met a lot of wonderful people Just they weren't my they weren't for me, but they didn't change that they were they were great people But they weren't maybe ready. All right. Here's the last question of the evening Yeah, I want you to read it Can you two please do a video from Rome or floras? Oh that sounds like a Done we're gonna do that All right, eventually and leaf says, thank you Very much marie johnathan everyone here marie you are you you're in healing prayers johnathan take good care of her or else All right, I will thank you folks. Thank you so much I hope you got value from this conversation men who fall in love too fast and a bunch of other things I think it's really critically important to get clarity on who you are And what you really want and ask really good questions to determine if you're on the same page with a guy It's a good boundaries. It's a good boundaries. I know your standards All right, i'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do when you're on here Can I give you a big gigantic johnathan bear hug? aww Take it one back. Yeah, that's your shoulder. Oh, thank you sweetheart. All right, everyone. Thank you so much I want to say good night to we're gonna say good night to lisk and happy and rebecca and jennifer and leaf and flowers and nicole and catarina and happy lady and One of our facebook group members and elie and uh hillary and margaret and snow star everyone Thank you so much. Lots of people. Thank you. Have a great evening. Good night. Good night now