 I'm Palmer Payne, WNEW News, on the Radio Theater. That's the theme from the Sears Radio Theater. Tonight's story is a comedy with Andy Griffith as your host. Here's a preview. I should think that by just slowing down your speech and carefully avoiding rhymes, you would soon get over this melody. That's what you do, but you're not me. It isn't that I won't or shan't. I would if I could, but I can't. The Sears Radio Theater will begin after this message from your local station. Hi, everybody. This is Janet Sarno, and I play Gracie and knockout at the Helen Hayes Theater on 46th Street. Won't you come and join us and WNEW in saluting Broadway this week? Hi, this is Bob Harris in the WNEW Weather Center, and we're gearing up for summertime so that you can have all the recreational weather information you need. Everything from the sunburn index to surf conditions, water temperatures, and the marine weather forecast. We'll even cover the weather in the Poconos, Catskills, and Berkshears. So when it comes to weather, just think of the big W, WNEW Radio 1130 on your dial. Each of us can do our share and care. This year, people of all nations are joining hands to improve the lives of the world's needy children. Through care, you can provide the families of these children with the means to grow their own food, to build medical facilities, safer water systems, and schools. Tomorrow's world is in our hands. Help make it a better place for all the children. Send your check room money order to care, Crusade for Children Overseas, box 576, New York 10016. This is Andy Griffith. I'm glad to say that we have something of a scoop for you this evening, because with us in the studio is the one man who is able to tell at last the story of the first recorded case of dysphemia glossopoiesis. Now, don't be alarmed by that term. It will be fully explained by Mr. Ned Keesey, the man I'm talking about. And here he is. First, may I say that I've been a great admirer of yours, Mr. Griffiths? Why, thank you. And it's Griffith, by the way. No S. Oh, I'm sorry. No damage. Would you start, Mr. Keesey? Right. My name is Ned W. Keesey, and I am the husband of Jane Keesey, who is really at the center of this story, so to speak. We've been married for eight years when suddenly we had an experience that was kind of hairy, if you know what I mean. Well, there are worse things I'm sure than what we went through, but when it's happening, you feel you're in the power of some strange force that will never let go of you. It all began one April morning. My alarm clock went off as usual at 7 AM. And so at 7 in the morning in the bedroom of Ned and Jane Keesey, an alarm clock goes off. And that's only the beginning of our story. Sears Radio Theater, a new adventure in radio listening. Five nights of exceptional entertainment every week brought to you in Elliott Lewis' production of The Sears Radio Theater. Our story, The Strange Affliction, by Norman Corwin. Our stars, Nanette Fabre and Steve Franken. The Sears Radio Theater is brought to you by Sears, Robuck and Company. Sears, where America shops for value. When I need advice, I go to my mom. Why not? It's free. Now that I'm married and moving into a new house, I want all the advice I can get. So when mom says shop Sears, I listen. You should. Sears is a great help on those big items you'll need for your new home. Major appliances like washers, dryers and refrigerators. They'll deliver, install and service. I always depend on Sears. You should too. Sears National Automotive Sale. Get big national savings on the Sears Die Hard. Only $49.99 would trade in. You save $8 on the maintenance free battery that starts nearly every card in need. And save on Sears Dynaglass Belted 28 Tires. They're on sale now at 40% off Spring 1979 general catalog prices. Plus federal excise tax. Dynaglass Belted 28 Tires, save 40%. At most Sears Tire Nottle Centers. Prices may vary in Alaska and Hawaii. Stop. And Sears. Strawberries. Stoneware with hand-painted strawberries. 45 B sets for extra serving bowl. Sears Strawberries. Sears hand-painted strawberry stoneware has delectably sweet country looks. And durable, this dishwasher safe stoneware is just chipping, cracking or fading. Even when exposed to your oven, freezer or microwave oven. Enhance your table with these pretty strawberries from Sears. Strawberries. Sears Stoneware with hand-painted strawberries. At most larger Sears Retail Stores. Whooo! You left us, Mr. Keesey, with the alarm clock going off in your bed. Right. We got up, dressed, and went down to have breakfast. It was kind of an unsettled morning. You know how it is in early spring. Jane made herself a couple of eggs sunny side up, and I was eating pancakes with molasses on them and reading a sports page while Jane was reading the news. More coffee? Mm-hmm, thanks. I've got a feeling it's going to rain. Here or on the plane in Spain? I didn't pay any special attention to that answer because she was obviously quoting from that famous song in the musical. You know the one that goes, um, the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane. Not a very good singer, but anyway, I'm sure you've heard it. Well, as I say, when Jane answered as she did, I didn't suspect anything out of the way. What does the weather prediction say? About today? Well, of course about today. I'm not asking about yesterday. Well, the guest today is showers towards the evening hours. And what about tonight? Probability of rain, but light. Then I'd better take an umbrella. Well, um, there isn't any. No umbrella, but we had two. I lost one, and so did you. Why are you replying to everything I say with a rhyme? Am I? Yes. Is that a crime? Are you mocking me? If you are, you'll rue it. Well, I didn't intend to do it. Come on now, will you cut that out? Please don't shout. All right already, enough's enough. Why should you be in a huff? Mock me once more, and you'll really regret it. See here, if you think, oh, well, forget it. No, finish what you started to say. Very well. Let me put it just this way. You threaten me once more, and I'll leave you flat. Look, I didn't want to have a spat. But damn it, you must realize that. You cannot treat me like a child. I don't begin to be beguiled by silly games like when you play at rhyming everything I say. Oh, my poor Ned. Do you know what you just said? Yes. See what you made me do? Why blame me? You're the one who spoke and rhymed just now, not I. But you induced it. I don't deny that I'm upset. Where are my glasses? You're wearing them. You spilled molasses on your vest. You've messed my morning up. I've got to go. I'm late. I'll call you from the office. Oh, great. You sound like a couple of teenage bards, like a couple of cheapy greeting cards. I'm sure there's some explanation why. Well, you find out what it is. Goodbye. As I drove to work, I could hardly keep my mind on the road. I was afraid to think in words lest they rhyme. But after a few miles, the sensible alarm wore off, and I felt free of any compulsion to rhyme. And so I tested myself by speaking aloud. When in the course of human events, the Dodgers dropped two to the Giants, now is the time for all good men. And suddenly, you know, the whole thing seemed to be comic. I figured that Jane, who really has a great sense of humor, had just been pulling my leg. That maybe she had practiced that routine, had worked it up into a sort of production. Anyway, when I reached the office. Good morning, Mr. Keesey. Morning. Morning, Ned. Oh, morning, Mr. Kestonbound. The first thing I did when I sat at my desk was to call Jane. Hello? Jane, listen. I'm sorry about losing my cool this morning. You know, I really didn't have enough sleep. And when I was dressing, I couldn't find my wallet. And then when I got to the table and read the bad news. What bad news? The Dodgers dropped a double header, and now there's six games back at the Giants. They're in a bad way. You don't say. And then when you started to make rhymes of everything I said, I thought you were playing some kind of silly mocking game. Just the same. No, no, let me finish. I should have realized that you were just exercising your sense of humor, right? Your sense of play, really, which at times can be frightening, you know. Frightening? Well, yes, I mean. Well, that's enlightening. You know what I mean is that it's sometimes scary how clever you can be. And what I should have done, and instead of getting all worked up and everything, was to relax and roll with the punches, so to speak. And I should have enjoyed your mimicking. I mean, you were giving me the hot foot, and so what? I reacted like a square, when I should have appreciated your humor and realized that you were poking. Just a minute, Ned. I wasn't joking. What? You heard me. You were serious? I was in my right mind. I was not delirious. Now, wait a minute, baby. After you left, I thought that maybe it would leave me. I had to speak to someone, and so I, like a dumb one, picked up the telephone and called the market to order food. I was appalled. Appalled? What happened? When I started to read the shopping list, the words all took a crazy twist. They came together in a sort of jingling. The clerk, I'm sure, thought, who's this dingaling? Why, what did you order? You really want to know? Yes. Well, I said to that jerk, I said. What jerk? The clerk. I said, I want a tin of salmon, a pound of brie, a stalk of winter celery, a can of clams, a bag of yams. Oh, and if you have some deviled hams from Poland, I'll take two. And did he? No, wait. I'm not yet through. A pound of peppers red, a loaf of pumpernickel bread, a bunch of parsley, a box of, oh, what's this? Oh, what do you call it? Latsas. A pack of Oriental teas, black olives and some feta cheese, a jar of marinated herring, at which point he started swearing. He swore at you? Yes. Oh, Ned, I'm really getting scared, the way that everything I say gets paired. Darling, something's very wrong. Stay right where you are. I'm coming home. I excused myself to the boss, told him it was an emergency. It's an emergency, Mr. Replogel. Yeah. And I left the office and sped back home over the freeway. And I mean, sped. I must have been going 65 when. OK, what's the rush? Emergency at home. What kind of emergency? Illness. What kind of illness? My wife can't stop rhyming. Say again? My wife can't stop rhyming. That's right. Did you call an ambulance? Oh, no, officer, it's not the kind of thing you call an ambulance for. That's what I was thinking, sir. Let's see your license, please. Oh, yes, sir. It happened only this morning. It just came right out of the blue. Yeah. It's so weird. I mean, whenever I said something, she'd answer with a rhyme. Anything like that ever happened to you? I don't know what you'd call it. Would you please take your license out of your wallet? You see? See? Call it, wallet. You're doing it. It was just like that. See your registration, please. Oh, here. You're still at this address? Yes, sir. That was all I needed. By the time I reached home, I was as rattled as Jane was. Jane? Jane? Jane? The bids are in for men's lightweight suits. And the offers from Sears show prices are down. Way down. What a time to buy during Sears spring suit clearance. The prices are low. The value is high. And you can wear these handsome lightweight suits right now. Choose from vested suits, four-piece suits, and more. Not all styles in all sizes. So hurry in while quantities last. Sears spring suits for men. Now a very good investment. Watch the birdie. Oh, that's great. Your baby's wearing Sears sleepin' play suit, right? And that baby stroller with the shovel handles from Sears too? Right. Why Sears? Because Sears has what I need. Take Winnie the Pooh sleepin' play suits. They have double fabric toes, a must for my infant dynamo, and a stroller. That shovel handle lets me move the stroller easily with just one hand. But why the questions about Sears? Well, my wife's expecting. Oh, we get the picture. I sell seashells by the seashore and by my swimwear at a Sears store. Look beautiful by the sea or anywhere under the sun in swimwear from Sears. Sensational one-and-two-piece styles in Mrs. and Junior sizes. Some in pulsating prints, others in sizzling solids. Colors of the dazzle look terrific with a tan. Come on in. Their fashion's fine in the sportswear department at Sears. All items available at most larger Sears retail stores. I found Jane sitting in the den staring at the wall. Jane, are you all right? No. I'm a fright. Now, don't worry. Whatever it is that's disturbing, you will track it down. In the meantime, just remember that it's bearable. How do you feel? Terrible. Do you have any idea what triggered it? No. This morning, I figured it was just a passing flurry of rhymes. But now, I worry that I'm stuck with it. Have you tried deliberately not to rhyme? Yes, but I had no luck with it. You know what I think? Maybe a shock would stop it. Drop it. I don't fancy being electrocuted. No, I don't mean a jolt of power. Oh, you mean like a cold shower? Exactly. I hate cold showers. But you won't be under it for hours. Isn't it worth at least a try? Well, all right. I suppose it's do or die. Do you feel any better? No, only wetters. Well, stay under it some more. Is it easing? No, Dan, and I'm freezing. Just give it a little more time. No. I'd rather rhyme than freeze to death. Here, dry me. Oh, it's so easy for you to try me under the cold tap. I feel like ice. Rub me harder. There, that's nice. Well, so it didn't work. No, dice. I'm really beginning to despair. Oh, come now, Janie. Come. There, there. We've only just begun to fight. Do you think I'll ever be all right? Of course. There are all kinds of ways out. I want one before the day's out. We'll soon discover just what goes on. But first, suppose I get my clothes on. We tried other things. Jane stood on her head for 10 minutes at a time. She didn't speak for a whole day. We jogged. We swam. We abstained. We lifted weights. We tried fasting. Nothing worked. Then I suggested putting marbles in her mouth. I had read somewhere that the great orator, Demosthenes, did that to cure himself of stuttering. So I fed her a dozen little glass Aggies. Wait for heaven's sake. That's all I can take. It makes you sound uncouth. What's so funny? I could break a tooth. Why are you wearing that silly grin? How long do I have to keep these in? We'll give them a chance to prove their case. Was that nice to spit them in my face? Shouldn't have consented in the first place. All the while, my jaw was buckling. You stood there chuckling. I'm sorry. It just looked so funny, Jane. I did, did I? You give me a pain. Well, it took her quite a while to get over my having laughed at her discomforture. Can't you find it in your heart to forgive? Not as long as I live. Well, what can I do or say? Nothing. Just go away. But after a spell, she calmed down and went back to being miserable full-time about her problem. She had justifiably blamed me for laughing. But who could blame her for crying? By now, it can be assumed that I am doomed. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. This has to be only a temporary affliction. An affliction of my addiction. Ah-ha. Say that gives me an idea. I think what you should do is go to a speech therapist. I imagine it's the sort of thing a therapist deals with all the time. Maybe I can find one in the yellow book. Oh, well, anything. Go ahead. Look. Really not a matter for a speech therapist, Mrs. Keyesie, you seem to speak without impediment, but in a pattern that seems to say the least very curious. I'm so angry with myself, I'm furious. Oh, you mustn't blame yourself. Whatever else it may be, it's, uh... Involuntary? Correct. I couldn't begin to hazard a guess as to the cause of your complaint, but I would suggest that you see a psychiatrist. The problem lies more in that field, I should think. You mean to see a shrink? Yes. The investigation might have to be extensive. But wouldn't that be expensive? Very possibly. But can you afford to go around indefinitely speaking No, nothing could be worse. As a suggestion, have you tried trapping yourself into words or phrases or sentences that would be difficult, if not impossible, to rhyme? Time after time. That's hard to believe. I should think that by just slowing down your speech and carefully avoiding rhymes, you would soon get over this malady. That's what you do, but you're not me. It isn't that I won't or shan't, I would if I could, but I can't. Well, I'm more certain now than ever that you should see someone in psychiatry. The problem's bigger than it looks. There's nothing like it in the books. Did you hear yourself just now? Wow. Hear what? You spoke in rhymes. Oh, come, nothing of the sort. I'm afraid your time's up. I'm sorry. I wish you the best. And I hope it's not too long a quest before you find relief. Good grief. Why, what's the matter? Suddenly, I feel quite busy. Well, now that'll keep you busy. My husband caught it the very same way, but he got over his. Good day. Oi. Vey. Here's Radio Theatre. We'll return after this message from your local station. You've changed, Bernard. You're not the man I married. What do you mean, Francine? Remember the way you were, a vulnerable? You made mistakes. But now look, you're confident. Everything you do turns out right. It's that book you sent away for. It's just a catalog from the Consumer Information Center. It lists more than 200 federal publications you can send for on building, fixing, eating. Buying, selling, working, playing, living. And more than half of them are free. Yes, Francine, the man you married is gone. All right, Bernard. But would you make just one more mistake for old time's sake? All right, for you, I'll just replace that window glass like I used to. Whatever you do, learn to do it better. Send for your free catalog, just write Consumer Catalog Pueblo Colorado 8109. Francine, send for their publication on first aid. What was that address? Pueblo Colorado 8109. Miles now, sure wish I'd started this about 20 years ago. Take it easy, Pugsley. Hi, Mr. Kessler. Hello, kids. Say hello, Pugsley. Okay, about four more blocks and we're home. Time to sprint, let's go, Pugsley. Over a year ago, Tom Kessler had a heart attack. He never misses his nightly run these days. But before his heart attack, the most exercise Tom got was pushing a pool cue. Regular exercise alone won't guarantee that you'll never have a heart attack, but it will increase your blood flow, relax you, make you feel better. Don't wait until you have a heart attack to start exercising. See your doctor this week, and the two of you can come up with an exercise program that's right for you. For more information, contact your American Heart Association. We're fighting for your life. They told me what happened to the therapist. I began to worry all over again. Why, Mr. Kessler? Well, man, because I had sort of blocked out that I had caught Jane's trouble from her, I had convinced myself that it never happened. But after the therapist, there was no guarantee that I might not catch it again and get a relapse, so to speak. And if that happened, how could I show my face at the office? I see what you mean, but go on with your story. Well, I didn't pick the psychiatrist out of the yellow pages. I made an appointment for Jane with Dr. Ludwig Garmisch, one of the top men in town. Most interesting, most interesting. I have, of course, seen many cases of dysphemia, which is a neurotic disorder of speech, but nothing which fits this description. I once treated two patients who spoke in reverse. One of them, Dr. Fürbisch, sent me. The other, a quack sent. Do all psychiatrists speak with an accent? Mostly in place, my dear. However, yours is the most peculiar case. Fantastic. I would first like to make a little test, yes? I give you words you answer quickly before you can think. There's something I will know by this. What do you hope to show by this? Well, rhyming is not that easy, you see. Most people, when you ask them quick to give a rhyme for a word, they have to search for it. Now, it's one thing to end a sentence with a rhyme, but another to give them right away without thinking a rhyme. Do you follow? So, you are ready, yes? More or less? Remember, answer quick. Now, first word, army. Pastrami. Dimple. Simple. Pimple. Jacob Gimple. It just one word is enough. Christmas. Isthmus. Aristophanes. Get up off your knees. Pot pot. Scuttlebutt. Radio. Hadyhoe. Appeal. Schlemio. Lostock. Vladivostock. Nicholas. Tickles. Borsaitisis. Worsaitisis. Ogretten. Latin. No, it's French. Wench. Tally. Finale. Well, I guess finale is a good word to end on. OK, remarkable. Tell me, was your mother ever infatuated by some dog girl? Oh, she never knew a dog that well. I see. Was your father by any chance a poet? Not that you'd know it. Was your childhood happy? No, rather scrappy. Did you enjoy to skip the trope? Nope. Were you ever visited by Cupid? Oh, I think that question's stupid. Let me decide, please. Are you very fond of sewing? Dr. Garmish, where's this going? Well, let me be frank. You are suffering from an acute form of dysphemia, which is unprecedented. So I am going to give it the name dysphemia glossopoiesis, from the Greek glosso, meaning tongue, and poesis, meaning poetry. You see? I have given a new word to the language. So I have glossopoiesis. At least that's my thesis. Now, rhythm, you see, if you bear with me, rhythm is part of the natural order. But sometimes it gets very close to the border of angst or anxiety, should there be such of it as you have been having and having too much of it. Now, I'm fully aware that whatever you do-do, with rhymes, I'm now doing as you do. To layman, of course, this may seem outrageous, but scientifically, you're contagious. I think for this reason, you should be confined until we can find what goes on in your mind. Confined? Dr. Garmish, you must be kidding. Then you're not serious about ridding yourself by whatever degrees of your disease? Please. Let me call up your husband. Where does he work? Cast and bomb, grackle, and burk. Dr. Garmish persuaded Jane to go to a psychiatric institute for tests. He had gotten over his glossopoiesis almost as quickly as I had, although every now and then, I thought I detected a little relapse. Like when he asked me whether I had tried ways of getting rid of Jane's rhyming, and I answered, yes, I tried many things, but all in vain, man. One of the first things we must do is make a brain scan. You see what I mean? Vain man and brain scan. But these lapses were few and far between. Anyway, Jane, who is getting pretty depressed by now, agreed to enter the Harold G. Squamous Junior Institute of Neurological Symptomotology. Well, let me tell you, they gave Jane every test known to science and a few that weren't. It seemed like every branch of medicine ran right through her room. Besides a squadron of psychiatrists, there was a teratologist. Everything it checks out fine. Right down to your feet. So now can I eat? And a hematologist. Your red counts normal, so is the white. Uncontrollable delight. And a traumatologist. We can find no precipitating cause. Applauds, applause. And a cytologist. We can't fraud a single cell. Swell. And an endocrinologist. Your system's A-OK down to the last gland. Strike up the band. You couldn't blame Jane for feeling bitter. Here she was, a sort of prisoner in this institute being treated like a guinea pig. She got tired of them trying all kinds of things on her, and she finally rebelled. Here's some sodium amatol. I won't take a damn at all. You ought to get daily steam baths in a sauna. Well, I'm not gonna. We propose to put you on a liquid diet. I don't buy it. Why not try it? Quiet. After a while, she got tired of resisting, especially since she wasn't making any progress. And so they resumed experimenting. They tried sedatives, tranquilizers, narcosynthesis, antihistamines, hot compresses, cold compresses, but nothing made the slightest difference. Do you feel any change? No, just strange. How are you today? Go away. And when none of those things worked, we tried bringing in various people outside of medicine and psychiatry. There was this faith healer, the Reverend Vocal Richards, who came with a small choir that sang a few numbers, and then the Reverend went to work on her. Dear one, dwell not upon the affliction of words that hath afflicted thee, but look up to heaven and trust in thee word, and thy name will be wrote in the book of life, hallelujah. And all that man uttereth, yay, and that goes for woman too, all that they uttereth is but vanity, praise the Lord. And all the words uttered by man that are born of woman, all of them are as the dust of the field. Yay, barely they are as the sands of the desert, hallelujah. And they are like unto the words that come from out of the mouths of babes and sucklings, hallelujah, and are as the drops of water in the sea. But what has that got to do with me? When the Reverend didn't get to first base, someone suggested a witch doctor who happened to be in the city because he was part of a touring dance group from Africa. And this witch doctor came in with a lot of feathers and stuff, and he went into his magic chant. Ah, haramagong, barabukan, gumbu, yorabalinga, torawengi, coolongalook, durandura, warabihini, tuambalong, walamolo, turambulayurambi, and also nelungalu, kamgalula, gerilderilukakurajong. I have spoke. Now I sing. Ula wagula, gumbula, koko uku, bamdo uku, pangako, mukuke bumako. I have end my song. Do you feel of some change? No. Can you sing home on the range? Well, so nothing seemed to be of the slightest help. The Institute kept giving us a lot of double talk, and because it was so expensive being a patient there, Jane insisted on going home. By now, the fear of contagion had passed, because although some of us, like the speech therapist and Dr. Garmesh and I myself had caught the symptoms, we soon got over it. But not poor Jane. She began to think of herself as a sort of typhoid Mary. I'm just a jinx. This whole thing stinks. Of course, we couldn't keep it from the neighborhood forever, and I must say people were nice about it. They made various suggestions, none of them of any use, until my brother-in-law blew in from Seattle to spend a few days with us. His name is Harry Krill, and he runs a diner that he calls Krill's Grill, which is worse than anything that ever came from Jane. I just have to say that. I was listening to the radio one evening when Harry popped up with a notion that stunned us both. Ned, we turned down the radio. There's something I'd like to ask you. Wait a minute, Harry. I want to catch this commercial. All across America, folks are saving at the Sears Prememorial Day Sale. We picked up Sears Easy Living Flat and Ceiling Paints for only $8.99 and saved $4 per gallon. And an Easy Living Semi-Gloss Paints, too. These are Sears' best quality paints at a great price. I got rugged Sears Weather Beater Paint for only $9.99 and saved $5 a gallon. That's a 30% savings on durable Sears Weather Beater Paint. It's the Sears Prememorial Day Sale. Available at most Sears retail stores. Prices may vary in Alaska and Hawaii. It's graduation time, so give your graduate a scholar. I've always wanted a smart girl for my son. I mean the scholar electric typewriter at Sears. The perfect gift for son or daughter at only $169.99. That's $30 off. The scholar features power return, power repeat backspace, power shift, and more. Keyset tabulator and touch set margins plus carrying case. The scholar electric is really my son's type. That's my type of deal. $30 off till June 9th. Prices and dates may vary in Alaska and Hawaii. The bids are in for men's lightweight suits. And the offers from Sears show prices are down. Way down. What a time to buy during Sears spring suit clearance. The prices are low. The value is high. And you can wear these handsome lightweight suits right now. Choose from vested suits, four-piece suits, and more. Not all styles in all sizes. So hurry in while quantities last. Sears spring suits for men. Now a very good investment. Available at most larger Sears retail stores. OK, Harry. So what's your idea? Has there been any publicity on Jane? Oh, hell no. Harry, we've done everything we can to keep this out of the papers. That's all we need people calling us up to hear Jane speak in rhymes. Don't you know you've been missing out on a bonanza? What do you mean a bonanza? Well, you've both been looking at this thing entirely the wrong way. It's a talent, not a liability that Jane has. How many people in this whole world can go around rhyming spontaneously? Yeah. Garmish said there's never been a case like it. He even had to invent the name for it. Glossopoiesis? Well, there you are. Instead of getting Jane all kinds of doctors, you should have gotten her an agent. An agent, yeah. I know a guy who knows Sam Weisbord, the head of the William Morris Agency. Well, what could he do? Line up interviews? Line up some guest appearances? Advised and consent? Maybe even Jane could get her own TV show. Harry, are you out of your head? But Jane has never been on TV. So what of it? How about those people on those game shows? They've never been on TV either. And look what they get. Yeah, what do they get? Rich. Oh, I don't know. Why have you let me handle it? Well, for one thing you'd have to persuade Jane to begin with. Listen, she's the most sensible girl in the world. I know my sister. If she understands that she can be respected for a special talent and then will get paid for it instead of being looked at like some sort of weirdo or avoided for fear of contamination, do you think she'll hesitate for a second? Well, you ask her. And he did ask her. He persuaded her. And the first thing you know, there she was on the front page of The Times under a big headline. Rhyme comes easy for Mrs. Keesey, followed by an interview with a female reporter who came to the house. It was a long interview, just chock full of Jane Keesey rhymes. And now a final question, Mrs. Keesey. Do you find that the prospect of spending the rest of your life automatically making jingles, do you find this depressing? I did once, but I think of it now as a blessing. Well then, I'm glad for you. I am too. Thank you, Mrs. Keesey, for letting me call. Not at all. Well, that interview really stirred things up. We got calls from all over, including the Poetry Society, The Guinness Book of Records, People Magazine, Scientific American, Psychology Today, and Verbal Quarterly. Every male brought a new proposition. Take a letter to Mrs. Keesey. Do you spell that name B-I-S-S-U-F? No, I have a cold, M-R-S, Mrs. Would you like to write a book about your experience? We would pay with advance against royalties and furnish you with a qualified ghost writer, should you need one. We have had very good success with ghost-written books. In fact, this company proudly boasts. No, I don't believe in ghosts. Next, dear Mrs. Keesey, in close, please find in this crate an epic poem which I have written about the march of womankind since the dawn of civilization. I would like to have your opinion of it. It now runs 3,627 pages, but I am thinking of trimming 15 or 20 pages to tighten it up. As I want to get this off to a publisher real soon, I would appreciate your writing something immediately that I could quote on the back of the jacket. Perhaps you could point out how my handling of the subject is comprehensive, lyrical, sensitive, and even tender. Return to sender. There were nibbles from TV and radio news programs wanting to come to the house and talk to Jane and me. Look at this, Jane, from CBS. Is it better than the one from PBS? Well, I don't know yet. And here's one from the BBC. As well as Canada, look, the CBC. Gee. NBC asks, do we wish to be interviewed? But isn't it rude not to mention a fee? Don't you agree? Or is it not their policy? No, it's not. By the way, the mail is piling up. You've got to begin answering soon because this pile grows so. Yes, I suppose so. And then of all things, Dr. Garmesh asked for a percentage of whatever action might develop as a reward for having invented the term glossopoiesis. When he proposed this, I said to him, aren't you being a little greedy, doctor? You're not exactly needy, doctor. Ah, but have you never heard of the importance of packaging? Once you give a name to something, it has identity. It takes on a whole new life. You know what is a logo? Yes. It can be very influential. Listen to how beautiful it sounds. These femur glossopoiesis. Even if people are not interested in the phenomenon of a lady who cannot stop rhyming, they will find themselves attracted by the unusualness of those words. They will say to each other, they will say, did you see that program about these femur glossopoiesis last night? And they will be proud to be able to pronounce it, let alone to know what it means. In this way, my dear Mr. and Mrs. Kesey, especially Mrs. Kesey, the condition of which you have the distinction to be the first known living case will become as famous throughout the world as fine flu, at least foot, tennis elbow. But as you well know, all of those names are simple to spell. And more than that, what really counts is that they're easy to pronounce. Whereas this femur. Are you telling me that you would be willing to change glossopoiesis to something vulgar, something common, like stiff neck or water on the knees, something ordinary and even cheap? Oh, for heaven's sake, why don't you keep? Something which has no style, no cadence, no euphony. You know what you can do for me, leave me alone. I've earned the right to profit from my talent to make money off it, if money's to be made. Besides, you've already been paid. Oh Ned, Jane, have you no loyalties? Not when it comes to royalties. It got bigger and bigger. There were gifts, requests for Jane to lecture, invitations to attend the opening of supermarkets, requests that she serve on various committees. None of which she accepted, of course, because we didn't want to overexpose her. We wanted things to build and they did build. Things got so that there were rhyming ads in the newspapers and even book titles started to run. She got to enjoy all the excitement. She thrived on her celebrity, so to speak. And then she was asked to meet with some top network executives, the big brass, about a program series to be built around her. And she met with them and charmed them all with her wit and rhyming ability. Now, in order to get the whole country alerted and excited about you, we're gonna start you off in an appearance on the Calvin Fox program. It's before a big studio audience and everybody watches it. Yes, we at first thought that people would think it was all too much of a gag, so we took a poll and we were all more than gratified when we saw the results of the gag poll. In other words, you ran it up the flagpole. That's terrific, that's a real, that's a real. And so it was arranged. A contract was drawn up, a wonderful deal, great money, residuals, all kinds of extras that I won't go into. And to kick things off came the interview with Calvin Fox. We were all there in the studio on the big night, Garmish, my brother-in-law Harry, Sam Weisbord, even the witch doctor. As our very special guest, the woman who was attracted so many headlines and aroused so much curiosity among scholars, scientists, and laymen both in this country and abroad, the little woman who was taken over the headlines from inflation, energy, and politics, Jane Keesey. Yay! Welcome, Jane, it's good of you to come. Welcome to our show. Well, thank you, there was nowhere else to go. Well, apparently the reports are true about your sense of humor. Oh, is that the rumor? Well, that was one of them. Is it true, Jane, that you've been rhyming like this nonstop for some months now? And how? And that at first, you were distressed about your inability to stop rhyming so persistently and wildly. To put it mildly. What did you do to try to stop? Well, suppose we begin at the very top. All right, let's go back to the beginning. When did you first notice that you were applying to everything said to you in the form of rhyme endings to sentences? It happened at breakfast one morning. My husband asked me if the weather report called for rain and I said that it did. Go on. And he noticed that every time he said anything and I replied it was with a rhyming partner to what he had just said. And he thought I was mocking him so he resented it naturally. And you started to quarrel? Yes. As a matter of fact, he got quite angry and I tried to explain that it was, I wasn't doing it intentionally, you know. I see. Mrs. Keezy, are you conscious of the fact that you haven't spoken a single rhyme since you started to explain what happened? All right. I haven't? You were not aware of that? Well, no. Are you kidding me now? No, really. I wasn't aware that I had stopped rhyming. Well, no, I... Now, no, wait. Hold it, hold it right there. I must say to those in the audience who booed just now that Mrs. Keezy is not faking. I can see that she's very disturbed. I really am. And I'm sure it's only a momentary aberration. Surely, Jane, after all these months in which you've been unable to speak without rhyming, the ability hasn't suddenly abandoned you, has it? Well, I don't know. Perhaps it's just that you've never been in front of cameras in a studio audience before. Perhaps all it'll take is a little priming to get you back in the rhythm of things. May I give you a few lines to get you started again? Oh, yes, please. Listen, my children, and you shall hear of the midnight ride of... Mario Andretti? No, no, no, no, Jane. Now surely you must know that famous poem by Longfellow. Oh, yes, it will. Never mind. I'll try another. A Dillard, a Dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar. What makes you come so soon? You used to come at 10 o'clock, and now you come at... 12? They cancelled the contract. People called Jane a fraud and they made jokes about her. It was disgusting. I believe I can explain what happened, Mrs. Keesey. Don't bother. You see, there is in the multifacic personality a phenomenon in which the hypoglossal impulse is stimulated within the infidibulum of the pituitary. She really doesn't want to hear this, you know? But there's no charge for what I am telling you. Thanks just the same. Well, all right. I was just trying to be helpful, that's all. Jane took it hard for a while, but well, then we realized that only a short time before, we both had been praying that she'd be able to stop rhyming. And we realized also that although we no longer had that great contract and a career in show business to look forward to, we had each other. And so, Mr. Griffiths, when all is said and done, I guess the way it came out could really be called a happy ending, couldn't it? Oh yes, Mr. Keesey, it certainly could. I must confess that I listened to your story with the greatest sympathy and appreciation for both you and Mrs. Keesey. Thank you. I admired the way from day to day you stayed at her side and when she cried, you tried and tried to ease her mind. And through it all, you were so kind. And well, I see that I've been hit. Oh, you'll recover, bit by bit. But just don't try to hurry it. Thanks a lot. I hope you're right. We know we are. Good night. Good night. Generations ago, families dined by the warmth of the open hearth. Today, Sears rekindles this spirit with its open hearth dining room furniture. Faithfully rendered early American designs and careful workmanship give it an heirloom quality. The satin glow and warm highlighting of Sears open hearth take 26 steps to achieve. There's no shorter method to bring out the beauty of the wood. And like all good furniture, open hearth is made to last for a long time with sturdy tongue and groove and mortise and tenon construction. Choose from 16 different pieces of open hearth at most Sears retail stores. Oh, here I go again. It's time to rent one of those steam type carpet cleaners. Why rent? Now Sears puts power in a carpet cleaner you can own yourself. The power spray from Sears for easy home carpet cleaning. Power spray sprays hot water into your carpet, then sucks up the dirty water. You can see the dirt you get out. Dirt you didn't even know was there. The power spray carpet cleaner, a convenient carpet cleaner you can own yourself. Available at most Sears retail stores. Kenmore. Solid as Sears. Sears National Automotive Sale. Get big national savings on the Sears Die Hard. Only $49.99 would trade in. You save $8 on the maintenance-free battery that starts nearly every card in need. And save on Sears Dyna Glass Belt and 28 tires. They're on sale now at 40% off Spring 1979 General catalog prices. Plus federal excise tax. Dyna Glass Belt and 28 tires. Save 40% at most Sears Tire Nottle Setters. Prices may vary in Alaska and Hawaii. Stop. Help Sears. Sears Radio Theater has been brought to you by Sears Roboc and Company, where our policy is satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. Sears, where America shops for value. The Strange Affliction was written, produced and directed by Norman Corwin. Ah, forgive the intrusion, my dear Mr. Gilmore, but if you don't mind, I have still more rhymes just a few at the close so we can end this program right on the nose. I am the author, Norman Corwin, and I wouldn't have had to be doing this join if I'd written it to exact dimensions. But you know how it is with good intentions. Well, now I see that I don't have to kill more time, so back to you, Mr. Gilmore. Your host was Andy Griffith. Our stars were Nanette Fabre and Steve Franken. Featured in the cast were Fletcher Markle, Byron Kane, Mary Jane Croft, Parley Bear, Mel Wells, Richard Erdman, Drew Boardman, and Janet Waldo. The music for Sears Radio Theater was composed and conducted by Nelson Riddle. This is Art Gilmore speaking. Associate director of Sears Radio Theater is Ken McManus. Sound effects were created by Bud Tollefson. Mark Trella is production supervisor. And the recording engineers are Joe Wachter and Hal McDonald. The Elliott Lewis production of Sears Radio Theater is a presentation of CVI. Who are those people in the uniforms over there? Oh, that's the Salvation Army. Oh, sure. I've heard of the Salvation Army before. Everybody knows them. Yeah, they're noted for helping people. You know, my father once told me that the Salvation Army operated service units during World War II for armed forces. He never forgot them for that. They were really helpful. I wonder if they help people in other ways. I'm sure they do. Let's ask them. Excuse me, sir. What are some of the services available at the Salvation Army? Well, throughout America, the Salvation Army operates daycare centers, adult rehabilitation centers for alcoholics, summer camps for kids, even senior citizen clubs and programs. Oh, the list goes on and on. Well, thanks a lot for your time. I appreciate it. The pleasure's mine. Have a nice day. Gee, I had no idea the Salvation Army provided all those services for people. The Salvation Army cares about you. If you need help with a problem or can't help, call your local Salvation Army today. Here's a tip from your better business bureau. Are you looking for a nursing home? Well, here are a few tips. Start by getting a list of the licensed facilities in your area from your local health department. Find out whether they are certified to receive Medicare and Medicaid payments. Also, talk to your friends and talk to your neighbors who've placed a family member in a home. You see, it's important to visit a nursing home to check the facilities and the services. For example, food handling, patient care, in-service staff training, housekeeping, and patient activities. Now, before you sign an admission agreement, you read it carefully, including the fine print, and ask a lot of questions about what's included in the price. A number of nursing homes charge extra for such items as wheelchairs, air mattresses, and personal laundry. A tip from your better business bureau. Barrow Sears Radio Theater will be a mystery with Vincent Price as your host. Let's listen. I've given up everything for you. My husband, everything. Come now. You and your husband had separated long before we ever met. Your taking is also a matter of fact. You don't know what it is to love. So be sure and tune in tomorrow to Sears Radio Theater.