 Have you ever wondered how a man knows that a woman is the one the one the one the one the one? Well, when I think of the one I think of being in love So when does a guy know that he's in love? When does he know that this person he's with is the one he actually wants to make a Significant investment in that he wants to spend time with her and maybe consider a long-term relationship Is it on the first date? Is it on the third date? Is it in the first three months? Is it a year? Does it even happen can men actually fall in love as I know a lot of women that don't believe that? Well, I think this is a really tricky question because The reality is is most human beings are rather dysfunctional in their emotional maturity and relationship skills Let me say that most human beings and when I say human beings I mean men and women alike Okay There's this fallacy that men are the emotionally unavailable ones The emotionally Constipated ones and the ones who are unable to actually commit a relationship and while that might be true in many cases I can tell you women have just as many fears just as many Dysfunctionalities that make them less inclined to be in a relationship Well, let me just say in a healthy happy relationship because the reality is is dysfunctional people are in relationships every day today So what's the difference between the emotionally healthy person and the one who is like I said Constipated emotionally unavailable weak relationship skills Well, they've actually probably done some personal development work to heal childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that cause negative patterns and limiting beliefs in their life and And what I'm why is this so important because the reality is is we've all had some wounds in our childhood or wounds in our adulthood especially for those in midlife because you know the Demographic I speak to as midlife which is after baby making years and before retirement And the reality is is most people at this age bracket the 45 and up crowd We're talking about a divorced population roughly 75 percent of people over 45 or a single actively dating are divorced And by the way, do you realize that you know first marriage is in divorce 50 percent of the time second marriages end 65 percent of time and third marriages end about 75 percent of the time So what does that say about people? Why can't they stay together? Because gosh if you thought you met the one if you really thought you met the one that is the person that you would spend a significant time in It's because sadly humans are rather Unconscious to two critical components to understand about love and that is really love attachment style And also the amago the amago so I want to talk about two books for a moment One is the book attached by Amira Levine and Rachel Heller love attachment style basically I'm going to give you the cliff note version the way I view it Is somewhere between the ages of baby to two to seven or twelve We adopt an attachment style. That's either one of three types. It's anxious Avoidant or secure or repeat that anxious avoidant secure now within anxious There's different variations of anxious and with avoidance. There's different variations of avoidance And secure simply means that they trust love they trust what they're in is healthy The reality is is most men and women are either anxious or avoidant and while the book says 50 percent are secure. I think that's by the way I'm recommending this book so you understand it But I think the idea that 50 percent of people are secure as a crock of shit I actually believe that we all have a default of either anxious or avoidant So why is this so important to understand because a lot of time when a man thinks she's the one It's because he's experiencing love attachment style love attachment style Now the other thing I shared with you before is something called the amago the amago and if you haven't read the book by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt called getting the love you want I highly recommend reading this book and the amago is all on page Oh, let me just go to the back of the book to find it the amago starts on page 33 42 68 153 156 so forth and so on and the idea of the amago Is that we oftentimes choose people like one or both of our parents because we have a Unresolved wound with our parent and so we choose someone like one of both of our parents in relationship And have you you've seen this before I've seen this with men who have daddy issues They have issues with daddy. So they oftentimes choose older men I'm just using one example or men that have mommy issues choose Controlling domineering women in many cases And they don't understand they believe that this is love. That's the real critical thing to understand here is this This attachment to this human being you've just met Which is actually the amago means Image or what we're really looking at is an image of what we grew up with And on a subconscious level we're trying to heal the childhood wounds and traumas from that Wounding that happened in childhood. So when we think about the one Oftentimes we're either experiencing Love attachment or we're experiencing the amago and it's not genuine love The other thing that happens in the early stages of dating is lust and limerence Which is basically limerence is extreme infatuation And lust is just I want to fuck your brains out Men tend to experience lust more so than women but women also experience it on a first second or third date And this is why with the minute You have sex way too soon from a woman's perspective You can bond to a man because chemicals also are released from your brain like oxytocin As well as estrogen testosterone and all those Dopamine that's released that makes us think we're in love. In fact, this is what happened with men when they're on the prowl When they're on the chase You know, you all have heard how men love the chase, right? But what are we chasing is it I want to be in a relationship. I want to be in a relationship I'm going to chase the relationship Or are they on the hunt for sex with their bow and arrow and they're going to capture their prey Oftentimes that's what we're on the hunt for. It's not a fully committed relationship And and it oftentimes I'm repeating myself with the word oftentimes But I have to say this because I don't want to make anything sound like an absolute But there are many cases where the minute a man ejaculates All those chemicals of that lust and limerence disappear And one of the reasons why men bolt so quickly is because they realize they're not you're not the one They're not in love with you So how can you determine if a guy actually values you outside of love attachment style outside of the amago outside of lust or limerence Well, that's what I want to lean into in a few minutes And I want to share with you a story Because this is kind of near and dear to my heart because even when a man makes all this effort That i'm about to share it could still not be the one and sadly Several months ago my son who my oldest son Had ended a relationship with a woman he'd been dating for about six seven months And he made they developed a really good friendship. I met her she met my ex-wife He met her family. They did lots of activities together. He spent time with his friends He really liked this person But for some reason He wasn't experiencing that feeling of love He wasn't experienced that feeling of love and as much as he kept trying Because he knows that this person is a really good human being in fact We're just speaking today how he misses this person. He genuinely misses her but for some reason He wasn't feeling love now my suspicion is is because we've been so adopted to the love attachment style or the amago That he hasn't experienced, you know, he probably Let go a really great woman because I met her. I think she's a really great woman but he's probably hasn't Developed enough experience with himself to demonstrate to recognize the difference because he's never had a really bad relationship in his life Well, technically his college girlfriend was a little bit bad But and I feel for him and why i'm sharing this with you is sometimes we can make a ton of investment And it's still not be right. This is a crapshoot the dating mating and relating game This is why i'm such a big proponent Of doing the inner work Before you actually put yourself out there in the dating realm This is why I wrote my book what the heck is self love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work All the books I recommend are listed below That's one of the reasons why I have a coaching practice to help you ask the right questions In the very early stages based on your personality because your personality is different from one woman to the next to the next So based on your personality and your needs of compatibility I helped you determine By crafting the right questions to ask men in the dating process And if you need help with that check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you So what are the ways men show you they're the one? And again, this is not a guarantee But this is just to give you some examples because you might recognize that you're in a relationship where this isn't happening And certainly when men are doing this you have a greater chance for relationship success So i'm going to put on my trusty glasses. We're going to put it up our notes And the first thing is he makes effort to spend time with you. That's a great sign I can't you know It amazes me how many women I talk to are in a relationship for six months and the guy sees you once every other week But jonathan weren't a long-distance relationship, but jonathan this but jonathan that no To build the roots to deep trust and trust isn't just fidelity trust means Can I count on this person to care about my feelings as much as my own feelings? That's really what trust is And it's difficult to build that trust over the telephone You guys spend more time on your smartphones than you are face to face And let me tell you in the beginning stage of dating it takes about 100 hours of face to face time And by the way, that's that's only eight hours in any given shot. Okay, and you can't count weekends Separate eight separate time together It's going to take at least 100 hours and why i'm saying that is most men who are in the short run Most dysfunctional men disappear in the short run This is why i'm such a big proponent ladies I want you to read my coffee muck that was made for me especially this is me This is the friend who made it for me. This is my book. But what it says right here now ladies What do I always tell you before the penis goes inside the vagina by two copies of the book eight dates by doctors jon and julie gotman this book And begin reading chapter one about commitment before you really invest in someone that you barely know because these days We're meeting total strangers Get this you're most the time meeting total strangers And if you're not familiar with the book talking to strangers by malcolm glad well, I highly recommend reading this But jonathan all you do is tell me to read books and I don't have time to read books Folks if you don't have time to read to learn this shit. What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results That's what it is I'm encouraging you to dig a little bit deeper than the surface because many of you are operating from the fantasy Way of relationships works and if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg. This is handmade Most of you focus on what's above the water line, which is attraction and chemistry But what's more important is compatibility shared values blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity and emotional maturity is actions matching words Victor consciousness not victim consciousness and here in the united states. We are suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness Everybody's a fucking victim Most everybody excuse me learning how to fight fair emotional maturity Empathy empathy doesn't mean I have I can feel your feelings empathy means I care about your feelings But I all and more importantly I care about my own feelings And lastly transparency and what that means if it's material to the relationship. We speak up to one another But I can tell you ladies you oftentimes don't speak up because you're afraid to lose a guy Well, that's only that's only shoving it under the rug And you'll spend months and months if not years with the wrong person because you don't speak up because you're afraid to lose the wrong guy And I'm only yelling to shake you up So a man Who genuinely sees you as the one? He makes effort to see you on a consistent basis. I think that's pretty obvious But it seems like a lot of you are fucking clueless to this By the way, I do use expletives to enhance the sentence So please forgive me for all those people that get bent out of shape because I curse I'm so sorry that this is so offensive words words words. They're just simply words They're really just sentence enhancers and look at I'm not here to suggest my advice is the truth You have to decide the truth for yourself I'm just a contrarian my advice is contrary to public opinion and traditional expectations Talk about the rant I had about who pays for a date the other day all right number two He introduces you into his life his family his friends his co-workers associates Essential people in his life a man who genuinely is starting to think you're the one will do this Now as I said earlier, this is not a guarantee But it's certainly a good start. So if you haven't met his family and friends and you've been together for three years You might have a problem And you laugh you some of you are laughing. I'm like I get calls like this all the time I can't believe I can't begin to tell you the calls I get from women who literally Their their level of standards is so low and their boundaries are almost non-existent And I love the way brunet brown talks about boundaries. What's okay and what's not okay for me By the way, thank you Justin for the $10 super sticker. I really appreciate that um Here I got to put this on the board just to say thank you. I appreciate that By the way, you can purchase a super. Thanks if you're watching the replay right now. So, um, so coming back to He introduces you to family and friends number three He wants to hear how you feel he genuinely wants to talk about your feelings That's a great sign That he sees you as someone special that he sees you beyond the surface Most men and women date at a surface level because you're so I mean We're so indoctrinated in superficial things Ladies if you haven't heard about hypergamy Google it right now because oftentimes women are seeking men far superior to them Men are trying to find that younger model type We're in a dysfunctional way of dating because very few people date from a heart centered space and yet many of you think you do But I invite you to read the book if the Buddha dated if the Buddha dated This throws out the bullshit gender rhetoric and says how can we connect at a heart centered level? Instead of the superficial level most people are dating today He wants to feel he wants to hear how you feel. He's considered of your feelings. He doesn't stonewall you When you express your feelings. He doesn't try to avoid it Usually those men are avoidant or fearful avoidants. You can read about it in the book attached by amir levine and rachel heller folks Most humans are rather clueless to the mechanics of a healthy happy relationship and I speak for myself as well I got to be candid with you. I didn't know any of this shit until I studied it I got to tell you, you know, I've got married Really no clue what I was doing. I was following the programming just like my mom This is a picture of my mom and dad when they were in their 20s. I was following the programming go to college you know Graduate college get a job meet a girl get married buy a house start a family. I was following the programming Most everybody in the baby boom gen x generation. That's what we are programmed to do I was clueless it took me a listen I've only recently been working on this stuff to understand it. Maybe the last ten or Listen, I've been a dating coach now going on 13 years But even in the beginning I was just giving basic advice teaching women how to improve their online dating profiles I didn't really start studying this stuff Until I did the Hoffman process insight seminars just to name a few reading all these books And by the way, I'm still messed up. I still got issues folks. I'm not perfect I just happen to be a communicator. It's easy for me to communicate. Well, that's not true Because I had an issue with a friend the other day a female friend And I had a very hard time articulating my feelings because feelings aren't fluid feelings can feelings can be so confusing It's sometimes hard to put in words what you're feeling because there's mixed feelings going on This is why I'm here to say Stop thinking of relationships in the naive way stop thinking of it in the the disney way the notebook way the wedding crashers way I was watching a cute video on red wedding crashers And start doing the work because then you'll be able to attract A man who's more likely to actually lean into a healthy happy relationship with you because the next most important thing a man can do Is he knows that he knows you're the one he apologizes if there's a misunderstanding or conflict He doesn't get defensive. He actually has that ability to pause and regulate his feelings You know, it's interesting when john glenn orbited the earth The first man to orbit the earth, I believe Or was the russian now? I think it was john glenn the russian was the first people or first Humans in space but john glenn orbited the earth and they said his heartbeat never got above 100 Beats a minute talk about this you're being shot up in a cannon or a rocket and his heartbeat never went up above 100 That's actually because he knew how to regulate his emotions And yet most of us fucking are get triggered at every little thing and nowadays it's cancel culture getting triggered triggered triggered triggered How about learning how to manage our emotions? Instead of blaming others in fact like I said before we're in victim consciousness where we're pointing the finger at others But we're not looking at the three fingers pointing back at us So when a man apologizes for misunderstandings, that's a great sign He's a grown-up and sees you as the one and lastly he progresses the relationship forward meaning you're not feeling doubt You know almost everybody I've spoken to are in healthy happy relationships Every single woman I work with Or a friends with I have lots of female friends who are in great marriages or relationships And they all say the same they never felt doubt with their guy if you're feeling doubt That means something needs to be worked on in the relationship And what that means is you might want to read these books together to determine if you're actually a fit for one another Is this sinking in with you? Is it resonating? Please let me know say it's resonating with me in the comments Hit the like button share this with your friends check out the links below So I know this is resonating with you and I guess and all right folks I think this will be a great place to wrap up we talked about how a man knows She's the one just to repeat he makes an effort to spend more time with her He introduces you to his life family friends work associates essential people in his life He wants to hear how you feel. He's consider of your feelings. He does not stonewall you He apologizes if there's any misunderstanding or conflict between the two of you. He doesn't get defensive He progresses the relationship forward meaning you're not feeling doubt because if you're feeling doubt Chances are he's not feeling you're the one and it's a time to talk to one another Okay, I hope you got value out of this live stream If you did please give it a thumbs up. Please share it with your friends. Please subscribe to my channel Please write a comment in the comment section or in the chat box purchase a super sticker super thanks As well, and I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic jonathan barrick of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm asking to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives I want to thank Gina and holly and janet and elaine and t davis and