 Hey there listeners. I'm Rifka Slatkin. I'm Shlomo Slatkin, and we're founders of the Marriage Restoration Project.com. You might be listening on our podcast. You might be watching a YouTube video and whatever the case is today we want to talk to you about boredom in a marriage because we have a lot of readers writing to us of things like I love my husband and he's such a great dad and he's a great guy, but I'm bored. What can I do? Should I leave? And so we want to address this topic. We're approaching our 18th year together. This is not a personal. So let's talk about boredom in a marriage. Okay, boredom. So what are some of the things that what are the signs of boredom or and or what is it that you actually think you should be doing? I think a lot of these ideas about what we should be doing in a relationship or whether we're bored or not is it's based on what we see on social media. So people are looking on Facebook and they see that you know so-and-so went to vacation somewhere, look how much fun they're having, and of course looks can be deceiving because in you know behind the scenes they could be hating each other's guts but look like they're having a great time or they could be going on exotic vacation. So all because you see other couples doing things doesn't mean that they have a good relationship. Doesn't mean that somebody's not cheating or that someone's going to be getting divorced tomorrow. I mean, I sure hope not, but just want to put that in perspective. So kind of getting outside of that external world and thinking about inside of me, do I really-what is it that I really need to have in their relationship? Yeah, that's an interesting point because it can be really easy to fall into that trap of you know what society is posting or talking about and it seems like everybody else is having this or the fear of missing out syndrome, FOMO, and it seems like as we get busier and more bigger lives, then it's like the space grows bigger that we need to fill in the boredom. So I'm just thinking for instance, you know, when I was a kid I never saw anybody posting about like exotic vacations in Italy or the Dominican Republic and I never really even thought of those places as attractive destinations, but now I see everybody posting about Italy and everybody posting about Dominican Republic. Well, maybe not so much now, but and it's really widened my horizons and it's widened you know the things that I want because it's just like out there and I see it now. Right, and then they they should be attainable and then why are we not doing that? This is a question and sometimes we need to think well, first of all how old are these people? You know, someone's been working for 40 years. They've retired. They've amassed wealth You know, they might be able to do these types of things. They don't have the same type of responsibilities as a young couple that's raising children. So you have to look at reality as opposed to what you're just seeing out there. And then also again, we're not saying that you should be bored at home and you should just be doing like making lunches and doing folding laundry all day and going to work or whatever, you know, you do depending on who's working who's at home or both you know, it's important to spice up your relationship. It's important to have excitement It's important to do fun things together and that's one of the things that we encourage couples to do and we have exercises where we actually plan fun or how boring but because people are not having fun, we need to actually schedule it in and make sure that you have a weekly a weekly date a weekly high fun activity that you can do together with your spouse so that you can have it. So it is important but it's it's also just important not to think that because I'm not doing this or because my relationship that my relationship is over that maybe I should marry someone else because you know, if you have responsibilities, you're not going to be able to have you know, your life's not going to be all fun and games so you have to deal a little bit with reality and you know, think about what's doable and then what can you do to spice things up? That's a really good point and I'm thinking also about, you know, the things in life that are that get you results that are worth having so going to the gym, you know, I want to lose weight. I want to lose 30 pounds and going every day It's not that fun. It gets boring after a while, but I know that the results will be worth having so I plug away Um, so it's kind of like delayed gratification because our society is so much based on instant gratification Like I want to get what I need what I want now has to feel good If I don't get it, then it's not worth it. But what you're saying is that you have to think about what are the important things in life and what can I do to invest my time in that and that's also understanding if you have everything else in your relationship, if you have a caring spouse, a great parent, a loving partner and You know, they're just a little bit too boring for your taste. Is that really reason to rent a relationship or Is there something that you could do to work together to spice things up to make your relationship fun? You married this person. They probably weren't that boring when you married them. So Or if they or they're probably they're probably the same person in many ways. So It's not like you somebody kind of pulled the wool over your eyes. You knew what you were getting into so Work with it If your spouse is reasonable, I'm sure they and they love you. I'm sure they want to work on it together with you as well I think it's also so easy to stop being grateful Because we compare our lives with other people and gratitude Who said was it Oprah Winfrey said like just keeping a daily gratitude journal Helped her to become the person that she is in you know in riches personally and emotionally and also financially just We forget about the small things like If your husband loves you that is huge. That's something to be grateful for that's a massive thing Do you know how many people are in relationships where it's not Mutual and that is so painful. So like even starting to look at the things that are small But that you can be grateful for will change the way you view life And you know, like I find it with myself even, you know, we have five beautiful children And I'll find myself getting annoyed at them or wondering why can't this one be more like this? Or why can't this one be more like this? And then I think to myself Can they walk can they talk can they breathe because not everybody has that Yeah, it's just so it's so hard. You know, we just have this We're almost like bias towards being negative So to looking at what we don't have as opposed to what we do have And we'd be much happier if we would focus on all the good things that we have You know instead of taking things for granted and if if you really take a moment to think about it It's like it's unbelievable Speak for myself Unbelievable how much I take for granted You know, just the ability to wake up in the morning to to be able to be healthy to breathe To do something I love doing to have a family all of these things It's just so easy just forget about because I think we're just in our society. It's like We're so spoiled. Thank god. We have the most, you know, we're living at least, you know Let's say in the western world those who are listening in the western world You know, we're living probably one of the most affluent societies of all time Even if we're not rich, but we have just we have basic necessities running water I mean, it's not even a question, you know, our air conditioning broke our power went off like We can't handle it for a few hours What did they do before air conditioning was inventive was the world, you know Maybe global warming it's hotter now, but it's like thinking about these things So even the little thing bothers us, you know, we're not living in like War-torn countries. We're not living in going through, you know Our ancestors came from, you know, they were being persecuted in in russian pogroms and they had to escape To escape not to be drafted in the army. I mean, we're not dealing with these things at all You know, so we have just a higher level of like what we expect and then if we're not getting Getting that then we're all upset So it's just the more that we can think about what what we have the less some of these things will bother us And I bet you if you did think about your if you feel like your spouse is boring That's the only problem you have if you start As we're saying keep a graduate journal or just start thinking every day What are the things I appreciate about my life about them? It probably won't bother you as much Yeah, and I'm not saying to gloss over it like if there's real problems then, you know, get help Seek a qualified marriage counselor. We're always available on we're available online So we're here to help you regardless of distance So I'm not saying cover up a problem But I'm saying you can actually change the way you view life when you start becoming more grateful And then the problems will die down a little bit unless there's something major going on But if everything else is great and it's just that you feel bored But your husband loves you or your wife loves you and they respect you and they provide for you and they care for you Maybe it's time to start thinking about some of these things that we're talking about So I hope that helps Your question all of you readers out there wondering what to do if you're bored in your marriage again We spoke about definitely scheduling fun and doing things that will spice up your life Whether it's a weekly date night, whether it's a quarterly getaway whether it's vacations Without the children. Yeah, do those things by all means Um, we also talked about Thinking about what's realistic thinking about what you're seeing let's say online or you're seeing other couples doing and then wanting them And then feeling a void or a lack and realizing that you know in our abundant society What we can get is so much bigger Um, and perhaps thinking more realistically about who those people are and how they're able to afford those things and Maybe they're retired like Shulmo said and and realizing that you are comparing apples to oranges um and then finally being grateful and Counting your blessings what you do have and not focusing on the negative especially if you do have so many So many wonderful things because there's so many other couples who are really struggling dealing with really severe issues uh betrayal of abuse of You know substance use That are very difficult to work through and they're still committed to do it, but it's very hard So if this is the only issue that you have Again not to invalidate it because obviously it doesn't feel good But to focus on what you're getting the positive things and then Being able to go to your spouse in a safe way and telling them, you know How can we have more fun and working on on doing that together? Yeah Well, thank you for listening and thanks for watching if you're watching and stay tuned for the next episode Take care now. Bye. Bye