 The Avid and Castello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service according to actual sales records. See if your throat and your taste don't make Camel the first with you two. Find out for yourself. Into the rhythms of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the Swedish and Swingy songs of Connie Hayes. And this being October 19th, we remind you that just 50 years ago tonight, the governor of North Carolina turned to the governor of South Carolina and said, Well, Castello, I just stopped by your mailbox and found a letter for you. Shall I read it to you? Why, I can read it myself. I'm a literate. No. Well, a letter from my cousin Corporal, Hugo Castello. It's a B letter. No, Castello, you don't mean a B letter. You mean a V letter. No, this is a B letter. He's putting a B on me for $10. And besides, Hugo's in the guardhouse again. What are you wrong this time? Well, he nailed a picture of a pin-up girl on the wall of his tent. Oh, nonsense. Why would they throw him in the guardhouse just for nailing a picture of the wall on his tent? Well, there was a sergeant standing outside. The tent was thin, the nail was long, and the sergeant was tall. Do you get the point? No. He did. Anyhow, I hope you're not going to send Hugo the money he asked for. Oh, yes, I am, Abbott. I went down to the bank to do out my 75 dollars that I made this summer working on Uncle Artie Stebbins Farm. Now, wait a minute, Castello. You can't draw that money out without consoling me. It so happens that I have a joint account. Not anymore, Robert. I just cleaned out the joint. Castello, you can't get away with this. Now, I want that 75 dollars right away. As your manager, I'm entitled to 10 percent. That means that out of the 75, I get 50 and you get 25. Well, that's okay. I mean, that's all, Abbott. I'm not trying to trim. I'm not trying to trim. Oh, certainly not. Wait a minute! Now, what's the matter? What's the matter? Are you trying to tell me that 10 percent of 75 is 50? Well, certainly you don't think I try to cheat you, do you? Well, you cheated me last night when we were playing Tiddly Wings. Tiddly Wings? That's ridiculous. How could I cheat you playing Tiddly Wings? You were using loaded Tiddly Wings. Castello, I'm going to prove to you right now that 10 percent of 75 is 50. Now, I'll do it by multiplying. Now, look. Now, 10 times 7 is 70. 10 times 5 is 50. 70 and 50 is 120. Now, of course, in California, half of everything goes to my wife. Half of 120 is 60. He deducts $8 for federal tax and $2 for social security leaves. $50 for me and $25 for you. I take it. You might as well take it. You've taken everything out. Now, that's ridiculous. I'm trying to help you lose. Abbott, you're loading the Tiddlies again. Oh, come, come, Castello. There are the figures right in front of you. And remember, figures don't lie. No, but sometimes liars figures. If I make corn a phrase... If I make corn a phrase... And I think I will. Now, I'll... Corn it. Now, just a minute. I'm going to do the figuring this time. Only instead of multiplying, I will detract. Now, now, 50 won't go into 10, no matter how much you shove it. No. So instead, we will use cubic feet, which is 2 feet to the foot. So, wait a minute. 2 feet to the foot. Yeah. How did you get the extra foot? I grew another foot this summer. All right, go ahead. Now, Abbott, please don't interrupt me. Now, to get 10% of 75, we divide by 3, bring down 4, hang up 6 and carry grand. Carry grand. Carry grand. He's getting kind of heavy. I think I'll unload him. Equals the sum of these days. I like that. Now, wait a minute. What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing, Castella? Now, you got me all mixed up. What was I doing? You were... Shut up. Quiet, not quiet. Castella. Look, Steve Frank, tell me the truth. Do you know anything about figures? Oh, I've whistled at a few in my day. Oh, that is... Please, that isn't what I mean. Look, to prove to you that you know nothing about figures, I am going to give you a very simple mathematical problem. All right, Abbott. I tell you, just make it a very easy one this time. All right. None of that stuff, too. All right, all right, all right. One and two is... Easier than that. Make that one and one. All right, all right. Very well. Look here. Here's the problem. Now, let's say you're 40 years old and you're in love with a little girl, say 10 years old. I'm in love with a 10-year-old girl? Yes, yes, yes. This one's going to be a pit. What do you mean? I'm going around with a 10-year-old girl. So, wait a minute. You've got a good idea where I'm going to wind up. All right, all right. Here in the nursery. Who cares where you wind up? Now, look. You couldn't marry this 10-year-old girl, could you? Not unless I come from the mountain. And now, look. Wait a minute. This little girl is hypothetical. She's what? Hypothetical. Keep her away from me. That stuff is nasty. Can you please let me finish the problem? You're 40 years old. This little girl is 10. You're four times as old as she is. So, you wait five years. Now, the little girl is 15 and you're 45. You're only three times as old as she is. Now, you wait 15 years more. Now, the little girl is 30 and you're 60. You're only twice as old as she is. Catching up. Catching up. Oh, yes. Catching up. You've got to notice those things. What page are you on? I don't know. Well, anyhow, anyhow, here's the big question. Here's the big question. How long do you have to wait until you and the little girl are the same age? Well, that's ridiculous. I mean, if I keep waiting for that girl, she'll pass me by. What do you mean? And if you wind up older than I am, then she'll have to wait for me. Why should she wait for you? I was nice enough to wait for her to marry me. I wanted to marry her. Oh, you are? Sure. Wait a minute. No. Then why should you marry a girl you don't even know? I mean, I... Ah, you... Ah, you dope. I mean, I'm... How can you expect me to trust you with her money? Oh, trust... You're so smart. Let me ask you a question. Certainly, ask me anything. All right. What's the difference between? The difference between? Yeah. Between what? See? He stuck already. Ah, I get it. Perhaps this isn't the right moment to be serious. Yet, any moment is the right moment to suggest to you that you try camels on your T-zone. That's T for taste and T for throat. Because what could be more important than giving your throat proper care and attention, including the right choice of a cigarette? Try the kind, cool mildness of camels on your throat. And see how your throat feels at the end of a long day smoking. And try camel's rich, full, fresh flavor on your taste. See for yourself how that flavor holds up, pack after pack, no matter how many you smoke. Camels, try them on your T-zone today. But Abbott may question Lucas Tello's mathematical ability, but we're sure no one will question the rhythmic talents of Freddie Rich and his orchestra as they play. I'll be seeing you. You just made an improper turn. You were driving on the sidewalk. You went through two red lights and you struck a pedestrian well gone. Sixty miles an hour. Sixty miles a minute. Can't give my friend a ticket. How did you know we wanted a lawyer? A little boy, they told me he said... Kitzel's no lawyer. I'm my chubby little cucumber. I'm going to defend you in court on a 90-90 basis. What's a 90-90 basis? Well, if we win, I get 90 dollars. And if we lose, you get 90 days. Gentlemen, I'll meet you by the court. Where are you going now? Oh, I got to go to my office and draw up my brief. You got to draw up your briefs? Yeah. Well, here's a safety pin. You can pin your briefs up right here in front of everybody. Cabot, you got me in enough trouble. I don't want this Kitzel for a lawyer. I think he's a phony. Oh, you heard me. The time is up. What are you going to do about it? I'll give you an extension. Something with me as your lawyer, Mr. Castello, you can possibly lose the case because we're going to plead insanity. Insanity? Uh-huh. But I'm not crazy. Maybe not, but I'm going to have in court why I handled such cases as meshers, slashes, and dead money cashers, pickups, pickups, and a few friends with hiccups, aidings, and beddings, and two-shot gun weddings, beneath the beezer and our gorgeous Kitzel. Not to mention hijackers, safe crackers, and mother-in-law smackers, robbers and crackers, and piggy bank shakers, forges and checkers, and Griffith park neckers, gyps, drips, and a girl with fat hips. He looks sweet. Apah. Important message from our Uncle Sam to his many loyal nieces. Some of America's finest young women wear the bright and flattering navy blue and gold, and they're proud of it. Now, more waves are urgently needed. The starting pay is equivalent to $141 a month, and with it go free medical and dental care, low-cost insurance, income tax exemptions, reduced transportation rates, theater admissions, all making the money side of being a wave still more attractive. So visit your nearest recruiting office now. Find out all about the waves. Now, our lovely thingies are Connie Haynes who is already to musically tell us is you in or is you away from our baby. Come on, Connie. I've got a man. The pictures of two lovely girls as easy on the eye as that song you just heard was easy on the ear. Two debutantes of Greenwich Connecticut, Renee and Cynthia Tebowl, who also happen to be busy workers in a war plant, and also both of them, Hardin Camel fans. My taste adores them, Cynthia says, and her sister Renee will tell you how mild and gentle to my throat. Millions of smokers say things like that about camels. Why don't you too try camels on your T-zone? That's T for taste and T for throat. The best place to find out which cigarette is best for you. C-A-M-T-L-S. Camels. They're mild yet full-flavored too. Here's now in session. This is the trial of the state versus Lou Costello. The state will now attempt to prove that Lou Costello is guilty. And I think we can do it, too. You know, Abbot, I don't like the looks of this place. Quiet, Costello. Here comes the judge. He's a tall, bald-headed man. What is this? The court of missing hairs? Are you in the court, Hardin? Then why are those 12 guys sitting over there at the counter? Those 12 men are the jury. 11 men and a foreman. We already got three guys. What are the three guys? He said there was 11 men and four men besides. That's 15 men. No, no, young man. There's only 12. 11 men with a foreman makes 12. 11 and four is 12? Four is 15, but the foreman is just one man. Sometimes the jury has 12 jurymen. The foreman, too? Certainly. Let me smell your breath. All my ears at the bar. A little less time at the bar, you wouldn't be so stupid. You proceed with the case. Lou Costello, you are charged with resisting an officer. You are charged with driving the wrong way on a one-way street. You are charged with going 60 miles an hour on a 25-mile zone, endangering the lives of pedestrians, and going through two red lights. What have you got to say? None of us is perfect. Young man, I'm beginning to think that you're nothing but an imbecilic nincompoop. Your Honor, I resent that. You mean you deny it? No, I just resent it. Silence, Costello. Officer Hulahan, present the evidence. What is she like? Tell us your story, madam. Well, my name is Jennifer J. Walker, and I'm a sweater girl. You're a sweater girl? A big, skinny girl like you? How can you be a sweater girl? I don't wear them. I knit them. This next line, I object. Wait a minute. Why do you object? She's getting bigger laughs than I am. Young lady, please tell the court where you were when this young man's car struck you. I was on my way home from work. I was hustling to catch the bus. Where did he strike you? Between a hustle and a bust. This is a farce. But since this is your first offense, Mr. Costello, I'm willing to let you go with a warning and a suspended sentence. Thank you, Judge. I object. You can't dismiss this case without a fair trial. Yes, I demand a fair trial. Haven't heard your side of the case yet. Yeah, don't. We're going to fight this thing through if we have to drag you through the supreme court. Abbott, you're loading the tiddlies again. Quiet, Costello. We're going to present our character witness. You can't do that. You mean you have no witness? I have no character. Never mind that, Costello. I've dug up a witness for you. It's your own little brother. Not little Sebastian. Yes. No, not him. Yes. He is a character. Yes. Come here, Sebastian. You realize it's a serious trial where your brother's very life might be at stake. I'm ashamed of you, bitterly ashamed. Sebastian, why do you do these things? Take the witness stand. I don't want to take the stand. Young man, do as you're told. Sit down in front. Now, young man, what is your name? I said, what is your name? Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth? Or would you rather be a mule? Let me handle the boy. Look, Sebastian, do you know what will happen to you if you don't tell the truth? Yes, Uncle Bud. I won't go to heaven. And what happens if you do tell the truth? My brother goes to jail. No, no, no, no, Sebastian. I want you to tell the judge what a wonderful man your brother, Louis, is. I ain't talking till I get my 50 cents. Oh, yes, you will. Even your little brother refuses to testify in your defense. Ah, don't pay any attention to my little brother, judge. I hate to say this, but he isn't all there. Are you sure? I should be. I'm playing both parts. Evidence in this case and your lack of defense. It is my painful duty to sentence you to 90 days at hard labor. Court adjourned. Well, old pal, see what I did for you? That's a real pal. This guy wasn't going to give you anything, but I fought for you. I got you 90 days, didn't I? You certainly did. But you could have fought a little harder and got me to chair. You want to go back? No, no. Come here, Sebastian. Come here to your brother. Now, look, what do you want, little Sebastian? I can take it. Thanks to the Yanks of the Week, tonight we salute lines of Winston-Salem, North Carolina, where of the bronze star for bravely inaction in the initial landing on Saipan. In your honor, Lieutenant Hines, the makers of camels are sending to our fighters overseas 400,000 camel cigarettes. Each of the three camel radio shows honors the Yanks of the Week by sending free 400,000 camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camel sent free each week. In this country, the camel caravans traveling from camp to camp have thanked audiences of more than 4 million Yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcasts to go out to the United States three times a week, a short wave to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Jimmy Duranty and Gary Moore, Monday to Bob Hawking, thanks to the Yanks, and next Thursday to Abbott and Costello. And now, a few final words from Bud Abbott and Luke Costello. Thanks, Ken. Well, Costello, now that you've got yourself out of jail, let's go home. Not now. I gotta get my uncle out of jail. What's he in for? Oh, it was a frame-up, that little sub-assion. He framed my uncle up. What do you mean? They accused him of stealing a tub of butter. A tub of butter? I gotta get him out right away. What's the hurry? We're all out of butter again. Ah, stop. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Good to see you next week for another great Abbott and Costello show. And remember, try camels on your throat and your taste. See for yourself how camels' mildness, coolness, and flavor click with you. You don't do your pipe smoking on a desert island. There are folks around you when you smoke. And you really ought to think of them as well as yourself when you pick a pipe tobacco. If you want to make both you and the folks around you happy, why don't you pack your pipe with Prince Albert? That swell aged in the wood aroma is as welcome to people around you as it is to you. And that flavor, mild, mellow, yet rich and full-bodied. Because Prince Albert is no bite treated. And it's crimped cut to pack firmly, draw smoothly, and burn evenly right down to the bottom of the bowl. You'll find just about 50 pipe folds in one red two-ounce Prince Albert package. A thrifty-fifty. Start PA today. The Abbott and Costello show for camel cigarettes was directed by Dick Mack. And this is Ken Niles, wishing you a pleasant good night from Hollywood. This is the National...