 Hey everybody, it's Chris from the Rewired Soul where we talk about the problem but focus on the solution and this is a video that I've been debating on making for a very very long time and I don't know it's just it's a uncomfortable subject for me I'm still dealing with stuff but yeah August 23rd so just a few days ago as of recording this video was the nine year anniversary of one of my best friends slash ex-girlfriend Courtney and her passing away and I debate on making this video for a lot of different reasons but you know I'll be honest with you one of the reasons I debate on making it because I never want to exploit or feel like I'm exploiting her passing away but it's also one of my motivations for even having this channel is to help other people who are dealing with struggling or they're suffering or depression or addiction or anything like that and that's what helps me make these videos no matter what my brain tells me because I ask myself on a regular basis you know what are my motives and my motives today are to help any of you who have dealt with grief and loss or inevitably in the future when you're going to deal with grief and loss so yeah I'm going to share about my best friend Courtney and tell you about what our relationship was like what happened how I've healed from it since then because I'm a million times better than obviously I was when it first happened and hopefully that you can learn from this and maybe it can help some people out there so Courtney in my relationship it happened we met when I was about 19 20 years old it was when my drinking was starting to get really heavy those of you who don't know me I'm a recovering addict and alcoholic and Courtney and I we clicked because we drank the same you know I think I remember one of the first parties that we were at together everybody was done for the night and going to sleep or going home and we're like what there's still a bunch of alcohol left and you know we drank the night away and you know we hung out with each other and this eventually turned into dating because we drank the same and most of our relationship was anytime we were together we drank we got really drunk and you know back then I had a lot of emotional issues as did she and this was a it was a toxic relationship it was one of those relationships where we were on again off again on again off again but one thing was whenever we weren't dating she was still one of my best friends in the world one of the one of the reasons I love Courtney so much was no matter what was going on with me she had no problem telling me the truth telling me when I was acting like an idiot or a jerk or whatever and you know we we knew our drinking was a problem we both knew our drinking was a problem and there were so many times when we had just conversations just like we need to stop this we need to quit doing what we're doing we need to get better and we would say like should we go to rehab should we go to AA meetings we didn't even know what any of this stuff was and we would like talk about it but we never did anything about it and and it was it was messed up and like you know a lot of my hurt a lot of my pain came from the fact that you know anytime that we were together it was because we were drinking and I'm like does she like me for me or does she only like drunk Chris or like what is that and then I had to ask myself do I like her for her or do I only like you know her when she's drunk you know like there was so much confusion going on and I'm very fortunate I live in Las Vegas and I've driven drunk all over the city of Las Vegas in blackouts and thank God I didn't kill myself thank God I didn't kill anybody else and I remember one time Courtney got into a really bad car accident because of her drinking like she came this close to death it it messed her up she was bumped and bruised and cut open and everything and I think we weren't dating at the time and I remember going over to her house to just check in on her see how she was doing hang out with her and like I broke down in tears because like I had almost lost her and and she was just like that wreck messed her up and I remember us talking and I was getting upset she was showing me some of the cards from her other friends and her other friends like they were sending her like cards and saying like you know get well soon so we can go out drinking again and I'll get so mad at them like this almost killed her and you're talking about when you can go drink again but like I had to look at it too because when she did heal up and stuff that's what me and her did again you know and it was difficult because any you know anytime that we weren't talking I knew her friends were taking her out I knew there was a problem and I knew I had a problem too but what eventually happened was I ended up meeting my son's mother when Courtney and I weren't dating and you know my son's mother she obviously got pregnant and things like that and Courtney still was one of my best friends in the world and when my son was born I think he was maybe four or five months pregnant oh wait my son wasn't pregnant he was four or five months old and at this time you know my drinking was really bad and I knew I had to get better because I had a son and that's when I got introduced to pain medications okay that's when my drug addiction started and you know I thought I was better you know I'm not drinking anymore you know Courtney was off she was still drinking and going to bars and partying and things like that but I thought I was better because I was taking pills instead which isn't better my life was still a hot mess and my son was four or five months old or six months uh Courtney still being one of my best friends she wanted to come over and meet my son and I remember yeah it was it was July she came over and she got to meet my son and she hung out with my she hung out with myself my son's mom and one of my best friends we were you know hanging out we were playing board games and I remember her and I went outside to go smoke and something that meant a lot to me at the time was she said like how proud she was of me. Courtney was telling me how proud she was of me because I wasn't drinking anymore you know and it meant a lot to me but you know I was doing pills you know like she thought I was doing well but I just switched from one substance to another and you know that day ended and you know that would end up being the last time I saw Courtney so on August 23rd 2009 I remember getting a call from uh one of our mutual best friends Brossney she's the one I went to go visit on my birthday this year in Long Beach she's the one of my best friends to this day and Brossney called me up and she said she said Chris you gotta come down to the hospital like uh Courtney's grandparents found Courtney and like uh she was having a seizure or something like that and they had to rush her to the hospital and my brain just starts going a million miles a minute like what happened what's going on what's going on what's what's happening and like I was telling uh you know my son's mom I'm like I gotta go Courtney's in the hospital something happened I don't know what's up and I'm like trying to figure out what I'm gonna do with Dylan and you know I'm trying to figure out how am I gonna get down in the hospital and before I could even walk out the door to get to the hospital I got another call from Brossney telling me that they ended up pulling the plug on Courtney and she had passed away and that was the first time I ever lost somebody that close to me and I didn't know what to do I didn't know how to feel still to this day I don't know the specifics of it it was a result of Courtney's alcoholism but I don't know if it was alcohol uh alcohol poisoning or I don't know if Courtney was trying to quit and the withdrawals is what hit her so those of you who don't know alcohol withdrawals can be deadly all right they can cause seizures uh cardiac arrest all sorts of things and yeah um you know I I took it really hard and you know we went to her service and everything like that and I think this was still back in the my spacetime before Facebook like really became a thing and I remember looking and seeing her friends especially after Courtney had just passed away and they were like let's go out and have a drink for Courtney let's go have a drink let's go to her favorite bar let's have the drinks that Courtney had and I'm sitting there and that anger came back like are you kidding me people this this thing just killed her now you want to go celebrate her life by drinking you want to go do the thing that killed her and I I hated her friends so much because I felt like her friends had enabled her but I still I had so much guilt too because I thought I could save her like maybe if I would have stayed with her maybe you know uh if I had been a better friend maybe if I would have got sober maybe I could have helped her and all this guilt and the loss and I never knew how to deal with my feelings or emotions and this is the first time someone close to me died so not only was I taking pills but then I started drinking again and it got bad it got so bad and the guilt and shame that I felt because of it I can't even put into words because this is what killed her and I knew she didn't want me to be doing this I knew she wanted better for me and like when somebody passes away I think something that eats us up is like how do we honor them how do we honor their memory right and because of my addiction and because of the fact that I couldn't stop I like I wasn't honoring her her memory like I was doing the thing that killed her and I knew she wanted better for me I was a father you know all these other things like I had the opportunity to get my life on track and so that guilt and the sadness and the grief it was just making things worse and it took a long time of dealing with this and I did so many things I remember just crying in my car and writing like emails to her and talking like to myself to her and just so many things I was taking it so so so poorly as most people would if your best friend or you know an ex of yours like had passed away and you know I won't dive too much into my story but it it took two two and a half years later for me to finally get clean and you know now now this is what I made this channel for you know we talk about the problem but focus on the solution and you know today not even today but early in recovery like early recovery is hard for any of you out there who are in recovery like you know you know this thing's hard and one of my motivations was like you know I'm doing this for her I'm doing this for her I'm staying clean for her I want to get high I want to get drunk today but I'm gonna do it for her I'm gonna honor Courtney I'm gonna honor remember I'm gonna stay clean you know what I mean like I would ask myself what would she want me to do in this situation what would she want me to do and you know I would laugh about it like I'm not a religious person or anything like that but I'm like if Courtney is up there she's probably laughing her her ass off about what I'm dealing with or struggling with or whatever and just stuff because that's just the kind of person she was she would make fun of me and I loved it like you would she was a great crap talker like she was amazing at that and like I imagine her laughing at my struggles but you know wanting me to learn from my lessons and the dumb things I was doing and early recovery and the terrible relationships I was getting into afterwards and stuff and you know I I stayed clean you know for a lot of reasons I stayed clean for my son and for myself and for my family and for my friends and all sorts of things but you know like one of the biggest things is today today one of the reasons I have this channel and the reason why I want to talk about this or the reason why I have my job at a rehab center and help people with mental health is because you know I wasn't able to save Courtney you know and I eventually accepted that but maybe I can help somebody else who's dealing with the same pain and suffering that she was dealing with that couldn't stop her from drinking you know what I mean that's why you know my my career is at a rehab you know helping others who deal with depression and anxiety and PTSD and all those other things that's why you know in my off time I do these YouTube videos and stuff because I knew her pain but I didn't know how to help it and educating myself and you know going back to school for this thing like my goal is to just help others and you know even talking about grief I know some people are still dealing with the grief or loss of their friend or family member and stuff like that and I have to share this story to let you know that it doesn't get better like the thing is this never goes away the pain never goes away it doesn't but it gets better it gets better over time I can look back and understand that my pain that I felt nine years ago was way more than the pain I feel now like I still miss her all the time I have dreams about her there are things that remind me of her Courtney and I you know we dated and we're best friends in the city that currently live there's places I drive around town I remember there was a casino here I can't remember the name of it where she worked and I used to go visit her because she worked the graveyard shift and I would go there just to hang out with her and get food and my friends would go in there and you know and and they tore that casino down and I remember that that hurt me and it killed me because it felt like they were you know taking part of her away from me you know and I had already lost her because I used to drive past it and but you know there's still so many other places here in town but you know it does get better and you know something else is that you know Courtney was one of the the first people that I truly loved you know that relationship and you know when she passed away and then my my my son's mom and I was split up I thought I'll never love somebody again I will never find somebody again like Courtney and you know I didn't I didn't for anybody who knew Courtney Courtney was one of a kind but I I learned that I can love again I have a beautiful girlfriend right now who I love with all of my heart and she's amazing but I I think it's important because you know when we lose somebody we think that we'll never experience those emotions again so although my girlfriend now is nothing like Courtney I have that same love for my girlfriend Tristan and I think that's important you know especially just even looking at breakups and things like that you know because we think we're never gonna find anybody again or never gonna experience those emotions but you can and you will when you go out there and do these things but you know the biggest thing is like on a regular basis I'm just trying to honor my friend's memory and you know I'm I'm glad that I'm sober and clearheaded to help my other friends you know every year when the anniversary comes up and things like that and you know my my best friend Brossney who called me when Courtney passed away like it I know it means so much to her that she didn't lose two of her best friends because I got clean because I got sober and you know that's that's another reason why I do this thing and Brossney does a great job telling me how proud she is of me and stuff like that there was a time when Brossney thought she was about to lose another best friend and that's that's terrible you know not only did my mom think she was going to lose a son but my best friends thought they were going to lose their friend Chris and all that kind of stuff so I do a lot of what I do in memory and in honor of Courtney and my suggestion for any of you who are dealing with grief and loss you know ask yourself what can you do to honor your honor their memory ask yourself on a regular basis what would they want you to do when I get into that depression and things like that and I want to isolate and curl up in a little ball or not spend time with my son or something like that just because my emotions are hitting me I'm just like what would Courtney want me to do like I live my life in honor of her I do it because she didn't have that opportunity and I'm I'm going to link a video that I did in the last three years I've lost over 70 people just that's the nature of the disease of addiction and working at a rehab center and knowing a bunch of other people with addiction and you know something I do is I live in honor of them I live my life to the fullest every single day that's something that brings me joy and happiness because I know all these people whose lives ended way too soon like Courtney was only 24 years old like I live in honor of them and I experience life and I'm present for life and I'm present for my emotions like whether they're good or bad like at least I get to feel them and every day I wake up with a smile on my face because at least no matter how bad my day was before at least I get to try again today and try to become better because there's so many people who will never have that opportunity and I'm starting to ramble but I really wanted to make this video and I hope it helps some of you people out there um but yeah like I don't know I don't know this is a purely unedited video and I just want to be honest and open and hopefully provide y'all with some hope and hopefully let you know a little bit more about me and why I dedicate so much time and effort to helping other people with mental illness and their struggles and their pain and their suffering because I've been there many many many many many times and I'm here to help all right so thanks for watching I'll be back with some more upbeat stuff and I'll see you next time