 Can a man change or is our relationship doomed? Oh my gosh, I hope it's not doomed. So in honor of Easter today is about resurrection. So I was thinking change represents resurrection. So we're gonna dive into this conversation about can a man change or is your relationship doomed? Now, there's an old saying, men marry women hoping they don't change and women marry men hoping they do change. Now I think this adage goes to the idea that men want women to look exactly the same as when they got married, it has to do with looks. And women want men to be more emotionally expressive, a more emotionally connected with them. And to some degree, we're gonna dive into that piece. And before we do, I want to share a story about what happened in my men's group yesterday. And I was with a group of nine men, five of them married, one in a significant relationship, two millennials, so they're just in the dating realm. And then of course, myself. What was interesting in the case, I was speaking to three of the married men yesterday and it relates to this conversation because one of the men I was sharing with them, how much when he got married, his wedding vows absolutely moved me to tears. What he shared about his wife totally had me in tears. I don't think there was a dry eye when he was sharing how much he expressed care, love, appreciation for his bride. And he's a good guy who hasn't done much personal development work, self-help and spiritual work. And so I've been kind of diving into his psyche because he said prior to meeting his wife, he was a serial monogamous. And now, mind you, he was married for about 20 years, had some children, went through a divorce about five or six years ago and had several one-year relationships before he met his wife. And he was sharing with me about the relationship prior to his wife. And I'm like, well, why didn't that work out? Why wasn't that woman the one? And he said that there was something that bugged the shit out of me with her. In other words, something that bugged the heck out of him with her. And he just never felt like he could go all in. And I thought to myself, and by the way, he didn't share what it was. Or if he did, I don't remember it, I apologize. But I guess what he said was he just knew he wasn't gonna go all in with her. And I go, why did you stay with her? And he said, there were so many other good pieces in the relationship that he didn't feel like that was enough to end their relationship. But he couldn't go any deeper with her. I thought, ladies, do you find yourself in a relationship with a man where there's something that's bugging you and this is possibly the block in your relationship? Is there something that's bugging you and is there a block in this relationship? And by the way, all the men were over 55 just to give you some context. There was a couple of 60-year-old men there, the married ones, a couple of 60-year-old men there, one in his late fifties, of course, myself included. And then there was two of them in their seventies. And the other two got married as well in their sixties. They met their wives and got married in their sixties. And what's interesting is we were sharing how that both of these couples, these other two men, that they're in relationship with women where they have some big differences between them. And I'm thinking, well, you've been married for seven years now, both of these men collectively. And he goes, well, we're still working on our stuff. We're still working on our stuff with our partner. So it occurred to me, and this is getting to the root of this conversation, can a man change or is your relationship doomed? Well, what's interesting in the man who said I was in a relationship with a woman who had just bugged me, he just knew that it wasn't going anywhere. And I said, how did the relationship end? He goes, it just kind of ran its course. With his now wife, they don't have this same friction in the relationship. Or if any friction that they do have, they work on it together, just like those two other men I was speaking up, how I shared with you those men that have been married for seven years. I think one was eight years and the other one seven years that they actually work on their stuff together because they got to the root, they get to the root of the stuff that's bugging them about each other. It is a fantasy to believe that you are gonna meet someone so perfectly aligned that you're never going to have differences. It's absolutely a fantasy. If you believe that you're gonna meet someone where it's gonna be absolutely perfect, it's absolute bliss. Now I recognize why this is a challenge because the first 90 days, the first six months of a relationship can feel like bliss because we are amped up on chemicals like oxytocin, testosterone, estrogen, serotonin, dopamine. All of these chemicals allows us to kind of bond with someone early on. And it isn't until those chemicals start to dissipate that we actually see the personality of another human being. And this is where the friction lies. So the question becomes, and this is the question you have to ask yourself, can a man change or is this relationship doomed? Do each of you get to the root of where your differences lie and are you willing to work on that together to come to some cohesiveness in these differences? Now, most women typically want men to change in the area of emotional expressiveness, emotional expressiveness. And oftentimes you come at it at a very violent way. And I use the term violet, but in a very hostile way, a negative way, a confrontational way. If, and by the way, there's a book right here, I'm recommending Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. There's a link below to get all the books under books Jonathan recommends, okay? This is communication styles to actually trigger a man and woman's true, how should I say, their true core essence of how they genuinely feel about you when you use the proper language, when you request a need for closeness in a compassionate way, a man who genuinely loves you is going to want to meet your need and a man who genuinely isn't in love with you. And by the way, love is such an intangible. We can't just because two people have physical attraction doesn't necessarily mean they actually experiencing a deeper sense of love. Folks, I'm gonna tell you something, love is an intangible. It is such a radical intangible. You could be with someone where you feel incredibly attached to them but not in love with them. You can be unhealthily, unhealthy. You could be attached in an unhealthy way believing it's love, believing it's love and it may not work out. See, this is the challenge that we face. So the question becomes, do you genuinely love each other? Do you genuinely love each other? Isn't that kind of what this is all about? Do we genuinely love each other? Because when two people genuinely love each other they're going to want to meet their partner's needs, meet their partner's needs. And I'm gonna share with you in a moment what I think is required for that to happen. In fact, we'll call it the three ways a man knows you're the one. What are those three ways a man knows that you are the one? So if you've ever heard the phrase in real estate what's the most important things in real estate? It's location, location, location. That's right, location, location, location. So the three ways a man knows that you're the one is gonna be predicated on the following. It's gonna be appreciation, appreciation, appreciation. Now there's other words used for appreciation. There is gratitude and grateful. Gratitude, grateful, appreciation. But I prefer to call this three ways a man knows you're the one is appreciation, appreciation, appreciation. How often do couples actually express appreciation for one another? See, we could say something like, thank you for taking out the trash or thank you for taking me out to dinner. And that's certainly a nice way to represent appreciation. But we almost do the words thank you out of some sort of habit. Out of this, we say thank you to the barista, the coffee shop, we say thank you to the grocery clerk. We say thank you in a variety of different ways. But I'm talking about genuine heartfelt appreciation. And I think this is where so many couples don't meet one another in the dating, mating and relating realm in a sense of genuine heartfelt appreciation. In fact, one of the exercises I do for my clients and for my friends is to actually, even when I'm communicating with friends, I always say, can we share appreciation about each other to each other? Can we share what we appreciate about each other to actually use the words? What are you most grateful for? What are you, what do you appreciate about me? Now that might feel a little bit contrived to actually kind of request that. But I'm here to acknowledge that couples that make a practice to every day express appreciation for one another. It is a building block to building love. And here's the thing. If a man struggles to express appreciation for you, and you do this on a regular basis with each other, instead of things like, how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. The surface level conversations that many couples have in the dating realm is all centered about the present day experiences from a physical perspective. If you want to get a man to open up, if you want to get a woman to open up, if you want to build a closer connection with another human being, then actually expressing what you appreciate about each other goes a long way to building that. And oh, I almost got derailed, I forgot to say. So for the man or woman who's unable to express their appreciation or they struggle with it, it's most likely because they have a block to love. They have a genuine block to love. They have most likely been deeply hurt from their past experiences. And because of that, they have walls up. See, sadly, a vast majority of people in the dating marketplace have walls up. They have so much built up fear. And this is true for you ladies as well. There is so much built up fear around connecting with one another that it makes it difficult to actually, see, think about it. If there's walls up for just even being able to be in a space of appreciation, there's gigantic walls up for love. Nacy, sadly, we've been indoctrinated to believe that men must climb to the highest tower to rescue the maiden. See, what that represents, if someone is up in a high tower, whether it's a man or a woman, and you must rescue them for love, then they're not actually in a state of appreciation. You know what's interesting? Let's take the movie, Pretty Woman, okay? Now in the real world, Richard Gere would have preferred to keep her as a beck and call girl. Let's just be honest, this is a movie. But he does climb up because he recognized, he climbs up the stair, the, oh my God, what's it called? The outside ladders to our room. You know, I think she says something, you know, what happens when he rescues her? She says he, she rescues him right back. But in that space, what he recognized about Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, firescape is what it was, please forgive me. He recognized that he was appreciative of her until couples actually, and here's my invitation for everyone because here's, I will say relationships will be doomed if there isn't a regular practice of appreciation for one another. In fact, I'm gonna make a suggestion that you make it a habit. Every single day to carve out three to five minutes to express three things you appreciate about your partner. And if someone struggles with this, if they struggle with it, then you probably have, or if they resist it all together, if someone resists, I don't need to share this with you, don't you know I already love you? Folks, I'm gonna hear, say something. This is really poignant. So let me give me a second to collect my thoughts. If somebody says to you, don't you know I love you? Say, I'm just a human being who sometimes has fear in securities. And I've had past experiences where someone claimed and professed they love me only to change their mind in the future. So I'd simply like to make it a practice that we express appreciation for one another. We use the word gratitude and appreciation or grateful instead of thank you. One of my relationships where I lived with somebody and we'd go shopping together at the grocery store or at Costco. And I made a request that whoever paid that particular time, because we used to take turns paying for things, actually taking turns is a sign of love when you're actually investing your resources in a relationship, whether it's a man or a woman mutually investing. I made a request and I said, instead of saying thank you, can we say I really appreciated that you treated this time? I really appreciated that you treated this time and I'm very grateful for your generosity. We actually made that a practice every single time as we were leaving the store. Now that in and of itself isn't going to build deep love. I'm just saying this alone isn't going to change a person or guarantee that your relationship isn't doomed, okay? But these are the building blocks. And in this context, in this video, I'm offering this building block for everyone to explore different ways to approach a relationship. There's another book. Everyone might want to read. How to be an adult in a relationship, five keys to meaningful loving. And again, there's a link below. Do you realize that most couples just rely on that amped up chemistry, that amped up chemistry to sustain the relationship? And why does it seem like they fade fairly early on or you might accept a behavior you can't stand but that means you're not going to go the distance. I think it's because couples don't actively have deeper conversations at the very early onset of the dating process. They're not having the deeper conversations earlier on in the dating process about really folks, okay, good. If you've been, okay, look at my channel is I'm a midlife dating coach. I say midlife is after baby making years and before retirement, okay? Roughly, I'd say most of my demographic is between the ages of 42 and 69, roughly speaking, okay? Most 75% of you are divorced, okay? I would bet 90% of you have had at least one relationship over one year long. And I've been sure to say that 80% of you have had two or three relationships that lasted one or years or longer. And each one of those has, there are, it gives you clues as to, it probably took off really well and then crashed and burned. And we oftentimes point the finger at the other person instead of looking inward and saying, how did I contribute to this ending of the relationship and really ask yourself, did we build the block, did we take the blocks and building blocks to build a significant relationship? Most of you haven't. I can honestly say when I got married, I was following program. I was told to go to college, get a job, meet a girl, get married, buy a house, start a family. That was the only building block I had. I had no recollection, no clue how to build a relationship with another human being. And it happened in my second relationship. And by the time I got to my third significant relationship after my divorce, I began getting better at it. And yet still there was a misalignment. And sometimes just like when I shared the story earlier about my friend who was in a relationship with someone, he knew there was something about her that bugged him that he wouldn't go the distance, but he was happy to stay in a relationship. Men oftentimes will nest into a relationship because it's easier to accept most of what you like, or excuse me, accept something you don't like and just kind of let it cruise its own course. Men can be rather lazy because they do tend to nest into a relationship. And I'm here to say, and I'm here to encourage every one of you to approach dating and relationships in your future with more consciousness, with more intentionality, by speaking up. And in particular, I want you to practice this appreciation exercise. And maybe you could do it like this. Every night before you go to bed, you get on the phone with each other if you're not with each other or when you're with each other. Do this right before bed and express three things you appreciate about your partner. Express three things you appreciate about your partner. And hopefully this becomes part of the deep roots of trust that you build with one another to explore a deeper, healthier, happier relationship. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. Post a comment below. I'd like to hear all your thoughts. As always, if you find value in my videos, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you could be notified of new videos. And always, if you wanna connect with me directly, right here's a link to schedule a discovery call with me. Links below to schedule a call with me to join my group called Midlife Love Mastery to get to all the books I recommend to follow me on Instagram. It's all in the show notes below. And I'd be honored if you start to share my content with your friends. Okay. For those that know my format, it's time for Q and A for the next few minutes, we'll be answering questions. If you're in the chat box, do me a favor, write the word question and post the question thereafter or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there. He's my son who passed away over five and a half years ago in his honor, we donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute and we also give scholarships to coaching as well. And there's a little dollar sign in the chat box. We already had a sweet lady, Margaret, who donated already. Where is it? Thank you for the $15 Super Sticker. You are an absolute angel. I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate your love, Margaret. Thank you so much. Virginia says, dopamine is my drug of choice then, weed. Virginia says, Jonathan is a good level of male emotional expressiveness. Yeah, some men call me a simple wimp because I can, but yeah, I appreciate that. Gigi says, Americans do not use words. Americans do not understand words. We just had a disagreement on Facebook about chicken. Is poultry, beef, pork, lamb, or meat? Yes, Americans oftentimes are really a lot of countries. I've observed that most humans do not know how to articulate their feelings. Most humans do not know how to properly articulate your feelings. And ladies, and I say humans, I mean women too. Ladies, just because men are stoic and don't express their feelings, you oftentimes vomit your feelings in such convoluted ways that we have no clue what you're saying. So let me be clear, just because you have a propensity to vomit all your feelings doesn't mean it comes out in a concise way. This is a fault of humanity, not a fault of men. That's just my opinion anyway. All right, let's keep going. Virginia says, for comparison, another dating coach recommended I be a waitress to attract men, feminine energy. You know, then might as well just hire a servant. You can get a maid to do all those things. I believe in a collaborative partnership and not a submissive nature as that might express. That's just my feeling on that. Virginia said, I'm really appreciative that you treated this time. I love that phrase. I once, folks, many of you know, I believe that dating should be a taking turn process, not that men are the provider protectors and they must pay. But Jonathan, I'm just supposed to sit my feminine energy. Folks, I'm gonna share the story about a woman on a first date, this was years ago. And on the first date, I paid for the first round of drinks at the bar we were at. We were actually at a dive bar on Halloween. And it came time to pay for the second round. For some reason I didn't leave my credit card. And she pulls out her credit card and says, I've got it. And I said, no, no, I got it. And she goes, no, I've got it. And I said, no, no, I got it. And she goes, I've got it. Now, many of the dating coaches will say she was in her masculine energy trying to control me. But here's what happened next. She put her hand on my arm right here and she looked me straight in the eyes. I said, Jonathan, I really appreciated that you treated for the first round of drinks. Will you allow me to show my appreciation and gratitude for you by treating you on this next round of drinks? Folks, I was floored in that moment. But you know what I recognized in that moment? In that one instance, she demonstrated partnership skills. She demonstrated reciprocity. She demonstrated appreciation. Partnership skills, reciprocity and appreciation. And I share that in a men's group that I belong with thousands of men in this men group. Over a thousand, actually 15,000 men in this men's group, a group on Facebook, and over a thousand men responded to my post about this. And you know what they all said? She's one of a kind. She's a keeper. She's a unicorn. Don't let her go. And while there were other issues that caused that relationship to end, this one simple act on a first date endeared me to this person because now some men will be so controlling that they wouldn't accept it. But let me tell you something. A man who can't accept your generosity and appreciation means he has a wall up. Maybe he has control issues. When you are appreciative and generous and grateful, if he can't accept it, that means he has issues. But Jonathan, I am told I will refuse. I will never pay on a date. It is a man's duty to date. Very, by the way, many of you say that just with that disdain, with that absolute disdain that men must do this. Do you realize that in and of itself is a block to love? Do you guys get that? That's a block to love. If you have that much disdain and expectation, I invite you to explore that within yourself, okay? All right, let's keep going. Stephanie says, that was so beautiful, Jonathan, thank you. I appreciate it. TS, how do I express to a guy I just met that I want to develop emotional connections first before physical connection? You just did it. That's it. I would prefer to develop an emotional connection with you before a physical connection. Now, the best way to do emotional connection is through social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family. Okay, so that's how you build emotional connection, but the best way to build emotional connection is asking deeper questions of another human being. There is this, check this out. It's called, this site got on Amazon. It's called best self-intimacy cards, best self-intimacy cards, or you can get the app. It's the Gottman app called card, it's called card decks. It's called card decks. And these are questions to build deeper emotional connections. By the way, we don't know this shit. So let's go here to figure it out. Let's go here to figure it out. All right, hope that helps. Fair poet says, this is kind of embarrassing. Do guys tend to judge us girls who have lost a ton of weight and been having, have hanging skin and stretch marks yet tone muscle in other ways? I think some men, yes, that could be true. I think for some men that could be true. You know, by the way, it's women and men equally judge based on looks, okay? I believe that is part of our egoic. It could be part of our tribal way of connecting of, I mean, there's a variety of different reasons why. But yes, that could be the case, but not for all men. Not all men will feel that way. But yes, some men will. But I guess the question is, do you care if someone, do you care if someone judges you that way? And if you do care, rather focus on the right man appreciates my body just the way it is. Someone write that down. The right man appreciates my body just the way it is. Jonathan says, what a beautiful way to say that. Thank you. Virginia says, what do you do about losing our youth? You know, here's a dilemma for those of us in midlife. Many of us in midlife dating with 20 year old eyes. The reality, look at, I'm aging. I just, you know, I don't look as good as I did 10 years ago. You know, so what happens when you lose your youth? Here's, this is what happens. Self love. You know, my mother weighed 300 pounds by the time I was 10 years old. And she would walk into a room thinking she was the most beautiful woman on the planet. And she, by the time she passed away, I think she weighed 180 pounds. She was five foot five. Okay. When you lose your youth or your beauty, I think you really lose your beauty. Can you find the beauty within yourself? That's the real question. Okay. So let's keep going. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Margaret says, the right man appreciates my body just the way it is. Exactly. Okay. Jahalia says, I didn't have much disdain but if I have to pay for a date, it's a turn off. If I decide to treat him for a birthday, that's different. You know what? I'm offering advice. I'm gonna tell you that thousands of men view women differently when they actually mutually invest in the process. So if that's not something you wanna do, that's okay. Okay, that's okay. You don't have to follow my advice. But the truth is if a man made a request to have you contribute, it sounds like it's a turn off which is a level of disdain about the person. So I mean, Jahalia, I'm just giving you suggestions. You don't have to follow this, ladies. I'm just telling you ways. Appreciation is a way to build deeper trust with another human being when you actually invest your resources. And by the way, when you're married, don't you collectively put your resources together? And given how many men pay alimony, child support, that sort of thing. You know, and it's, by the way, they may not have the resources to cover the entertainment of a relationship. And you could be critical and say, well, if he doesn't have the resources, I don't wanna date him. Well, guess what? 80% of Americans in the United States don't have more than three months of incomes or resources in the bank. Should there be a calamity? That's 80% of Americans. So I'm just offering an alternate way of viewing things. You can accept it or not. That's just my perception. And you're very well entitled to your perception as well. Sandy says, I feel it's very important and I like to share and appreciate it when they allow me to pay. I think I'm gonna change the word allow because I don't like the word allow when they receive when I offer to pay, when they receive when I offer to pay. I just like that better. Hey, folks, I hope you found value in this conversation. Can a man change or is the relationship doomed? I think the way to build deeper connection with another human being is through heartfelt appreciation for one another on a regular basis. And that's my invitation for all of you going forward. That's my invitation for all of you going forward. Oh, Sally wants to remind Jehalia, or not remind but offer this. Isn't a partnership marriage an equal thing so you'd happily expect him to pay for you but you don't feel you should contribute? I love going 50-50 or Dutch. It just feels better to me. Again, I just, I believe that demonstrating partnership skills right from the very get go leads to greater success in relationships. So thank you for sharing that. I appreciate it. Okay, I'm gonna wrap folks. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this video. Please post a comment below. I do my best to read them all in the first 24 hours. As always, if you find value in my videos, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Hit that notification bell if you want to connect with me. As well, there's links below to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Join my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Follow me on Instagrams, get the books I recommend or my dating vows all listed below. All right, I'm gonna sign up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Johnathan Merrick of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow, and give inner them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Sandy and Tracy and Horse Lady and Fair Poet and Virginia and Jahalyah and Sally and Virginia Lu and Jocelyn and Gigi and Margaret. Thank you again for the donation. Johnathan, Fair Poet, TS, everyone, Stephanie, thanks so much, wishing you a super duper, wonderful, fantastic.