 When we think about listening we tend to think about just the you know incoming process we think about hearing we think about you know How it's kind of a one-way thing, but the truth is listening is very much a two-way street It involves speaking and responding non-verbally as well as those incoming messages So in this video I want to take a look at some of the different listening Responses that we can use and some of the different ways that we can respond to somebody as a listener when we are the listener What are some ways that we can effectively respond and some considerations that we need to have in choosing an appropriate response? So we're going to take a look at a variety of different things including silence questioning paraphrasing empathizing Supporting analyzing evaluating and advising want to take a look at each of these as a potential response All of them really could potentially be an appropriate listening response Depending on the context depending on the situation and what's happening So it's not that one of them is necessarily right or wrong, but probably in a particular context or a particular exchange One of these is likely to be more appropriate than maybe some others So let's take a look at each of them see what we mean First of all, let's look at silence and remember that the word listen contains all the same letters as the word silent Sometimes silence is our best option and it is an appropriate at times an effective Listening response sometimes the best thing we can do is not say anything not really respond At all, but you know, we want to carefully consider using that as a strategy It's not always best, but but it can be effective So when we're thinking about silence, it can be appropriate in a variety of situations either You know, there's just nothing to say or nothing You can say really going to benefit the other person or you don't have anything positive contribute to contribute And and so as your mom said if you can't say anything nice, it's it's best not to say anything at all Right, so it can be the appropriate in a variety of different situations Even if you're going to be silent though, you do want to be present and attentive Silence shouldn't just be a matter of you know, you're quiet because you're not paying any attention We ought to find other ways to indicate that we are listening. We need to maintain eye contact We need to you know, maybe not or shake our head appropriately use non-verbal Components to be present and attentive, right? So we want to definitely use those non-verbal cues that I mentioned to indicate that we are listening and that we are we're focused We're there we're paying attention We can use even if we're using silence we can use what we call verbal back channeling just as you know really brief Yeah, it's not exactly silence, but it's the same kind of idea. We're not really contributing a lot verbally there But we're just using that kind of back channeling to indicate that we're still listening So you know getting silence may be your best option depending on the situation and not always but but it could be an appropriate option We can also question we can ask questions now when we ask questions So we need to make sure that we are asking Authentic questions these are questions to get the thumbs up here not bad question We want to first of all use questions to clarify meanings if there's something we don't understand either because of vocabulary Or because of whatever other you know, just we're not following something That's an authentic question a positive question of it contributes the conversation Feel free to ask questions that clarify meanings ask questions that learn about the other thoughts feelings and wants So keep those questions focused on them. What do you think about that? What do you how do you feel about that? What's your desire in this situation? We can use that to kind of pull information out of other people We can use questions authentically in that way We can use questions to encourage elaboration to get people to just to talk more Sometimes people are talking to us and and it's clear. They just need to to talk something out. There's not they're not really looking to us for any Input necessarily or specific advice or things like that. Sometimes they just need to get things off their chest Or they need help You know just verbalizing something to in order to think it out more effectively just to say it out loud so that they can Process it on their own so we can encourage elaboration. We can ask them for more information We can encourage them to go ahead and and keep talking about what that is And we can also use questions to encourage discovery Right to encourage, you know find out new information to to to again pull novel information out of them What would be new information? We can use it to gather more facts and details. So those are all authentic questions So right there are legitimate questions That that enhance the conversation that they're used positively in those types of situations What we want to avoid in terms of questions or what we call disingenuous questions Disingenuous questions get the thumb down Brian does not like those for Kevin does not like those brown bomb gunner It does not like those disingenuous questions These are good types of questions that might for example lead or trap the speaker So it's not really a question you're trying to force them into a corner push them into a particular answer That's not a that's not an authentic question. That's a disingenuous question a question that really makes a statement You know, well, you don't believe that do you you don't you don't follow this person or support that? That's really a statement in the form of a question, but it's not really a question you're really leading them You're making a statement with your own question. You're not looking for information from them. So it's a disingenuous question Questions that carry hidden meanings if I were to say to you, hey, what are you doing this Friday? You're in your mind. You may be thinking. Oh, well, there's something fun going on Friday And so you say, oh nothing. I don't have anything going on Friday And I say, oh great then you're available to help me move right to help me carry a bunch of heavy stuff And you know, so now you're kind of trapped right that carries a hidden agenda I'm kind of not revealing what my purpose is there. That's a disingenuous question. It's not really fair to the other person So we want to ask Questions that don't carry a hidden agenda We don't want to ask questions that seek a correct answer But you know when they give us the answer that they say, oh, no, no, that's wrong. That's not that's not right That's not what you should be saying or some if we're gonna ask you questions We don't make sure the other person has the freedom to speak their mind And we don't want to ask questions that are based on assumptions You know, we don't want to jump ahead jump to conclusions or make assumptions about that other person and ask questions You know based on well, I assume you're part of this political party or that political party You grew up in this area until you understand don't ask questions that are based on assumptions So in short ask authentic Questions also ask real questions positive questions that move that conversation forward not disingenuous questions that kind of limit and hem a person in So we can ask questions though questions are a great way to Respond in a variety of situations. They have a lot of utility if they're authentic We can paraphrase and paraphrasing is simply relating what you think to the speaker or what the speaker said Restating what you think the speaker said using your own words and that using your own words is important And we'll talk about but restating what you think the speaker said using your own words So when we paraphrase we want to first of all be sure that we are changing the speakers wording If we're not changing the wording if we're just repeating back exactly what they said, that's not paraphrasing It's what we call parroting because that's what parrots do right there But parrots don't really understand what they're saying parrots can repeat sounds and mimic sounds But they don't really understand the meaning behind those words And we don't want to be parrots if we're going to paraphrase we need to change that person's word Wording so that we can indicate through that that we understand that we can demonstrate Understanding or conversely in doing so demonstrate that we don't understand it Maybe we need to hear it in a different way. So when we're paraphrasing we want to be sure we change the person's Wording that speakers wording We also want to offer an example. Maybe that's a great way to paraphrase So, you know, here's what I hear you saying or is this what you know this type of thing what you're getting at We can offer an example again to make sure that we're on the right track that we're on the same page Is that other person or we can reflect on the underlying theme You know a person's talking to someone paraphrasing so so what I hear you saying is this is what's bothering you You know this or this is what's happening in this situation We can kind of paraphrase and reflect on you know Not with all the details, but this is kind of what I hear you saying is that accurate and we want to you know Again leave room for the the fact that we may be getting it wrong And that's helpful in paraphrasing as well to kind of let the other person know that you're not following Could be just as useful but but in paraphrasing we want to change that wording who want to think about offer an example Maybe reflecting on that underlying theme But paraphrasing a great response and just a general open-ended question or when you're receiving directions or instructions on something paraphrasing is an extremely valuable tool Empathizing it is another type of response empathizing this is perspective taking responses that demonstrate Identification with the speaker so in empathizing we're putting ourselves in the in that other person's shoes, right? So we're taking on their perspective trying to see it from their view doesn't mean we have to agree with it Doesn't mean we have to endorse whatever they're saying But what we're trying to see things through their eyes and put ourselves in their shoes And we do that then to identify with the speaker to demonstrate identification with the speaker to demonstrate that I hear you I understand what you're saying. I'm I'm feeling what you're saying Again, not necessarily agreeing or endorsing but I can see how you would feel that way I can see how that would be frustrating. I can see how that would be joyous for you I can you know identify with the feeling that you're having I can identify with those emotions So that's what empathizing is in general when we're empathizing we want to be sure though that we're being genuine We don't want to you know Say we can see things their way if we don't and we don't want to just you know Start throwing platitudes at them. So we want to be genuine when we're empathizing It should really come from a place of truth and and and from our heart Empathizing could be something that's brief or could be more extended when we talk about that We could just say something very simple like yeah, I hear you I feel you I understand why you would feel that way or any of those things, right? Or we could talk a little bit more maybe share a story about how we've experienced that ourselves and Until we really can understand that because we've experienced it and lived through it ourselves But it could be brief or it could be extended But we want to avoid Non empathetic behaviors while we're empathizing we shouldn't be doing things that are non empathetic By this we mean things like denying that person's right to their feelings Everybody has a right to their feelings whether we agree with them or not whether we think they're silly or not Everybody has a right to their feelings and we shouldn't just say oh, no, that's what you shouldn't feel that way You know, that's a non empathetic behavior So if we're trying to empathize we want to be sure we'd not we're not denying that person's right to their feelings We don't want to minimize the significance and say well, that's just such a small thing Why would you let that bother you again? We're empathizing we want to see things from their perspective and allow them to see that in the significance that they see fit We want to avoid blame We don't want to just point our finger at that person or anybody else really we're not we're not there to Assign blame in that situation. We don't want to rain on their parade. We don't want to somebody brings us good news We don't say oh, yeah, that's great, but you know, this could be a problem or just let them be happy for empathizing Right if that's what they're looking for sometimes They just want somebody else to be happy with them or happy for them and so forth So just be sure we're not raining on their parade either But empathizing great response in the appropriate context when you're just trying to connect with that person identify with that person Empathizing can be a really effective and wonderful listening response Other times we may get into supporting And this does take a next step beyond empathizing here. We're demonstrating support for that speaker situation We're not just saying yeah, I can see it from your perspective I understand we're saying I agree with you and let me do what I can to help you in this situation It's what we're offering as support for that person And if we're gonna be supporting somebody want to make sure that we're in agreement again We are tacitly when we support someone we are we're saying not only do I see things from your perspective, but I agree with you This is appropriate and you're on the right track here. So we want to To make sure that we are in agreement with that person supporting does all Include usually an offer to help whether that's just help Emotionally or help psychologically or help in some sort of tangible way We can offer that offer to help. That's a good form of support Another is praise we can offer praise for that person. Let them know that they're doing a good job that we That we believe in them that they're they're performing well and doing things right We can offer reassurance that even though maybe things didn't go well They couldn't the future go well and and we still have faith in that Or we can offer them a diversion sometimes, you know, if your buddy breaks up with their Significant other and you just need to take them out or you know go play around a golf or play some darts or do something to get their Mind-off play play some video games Sometimes support can come in the form of just taking their mind off things for a bit may not solve the problem But we can divert their attention for at least a little bit to get their mind off of it So lots of ways we can offer support for somebody as a listening response as well We shift gears a little bit. We can we can move into what we call analyzing Analyzing a response is that offer an interpretation of the speaker's message in order to help them see alternative meanings of a situation So again, we're not to the point. We're offering judgment not offering advice anything like that or evaluation We're just saying, you know, this this could also be happening Here's a different way to look at this perspective if somebody comes with you to you with a problem They're having with a co-worker. You could say well, you know, maybe they're just having a bad day Or maybe they maybe they just don't know you well enough yet to Know how to speak to you or treat you or whatever. So we're offering alternative meanings We're not we're not saying somebody's right or wrong We're just offering alternatives here if we're gonna do so first of all we want to do so in a tentative way We don't just want to come in like we have absolute knowledge of this situation and say well, this is what's happening We should say, you know, yeah from my perspective and what you've told me Here's something that might be happening might might explain this or might be a different way to look at this We want to offer it in sort of a tentative way Again, we're not we don't know everything. We don't want to come across like we do If we're gonna offer an analyzing response, we ought to be reasonably correct or we ought to be silent if you don't have a reasonable Analysis and something that is is that could be realistic and could be helpful something constructive to add here Then don't offer any analysis. We need to be reasonably connect or we just need to leave it alone And we need to make sure first of all that our analysis wanted if somebody's not looking for analysis Maybe they're just looking to vent. Maybe they're not looking for any help Then then we don't want to wade into that if that's not what they're looking for So just be sure that that your analysis is wanted we can ask it and again offer it in a tentative way But we want to make sure that our analysis is wanted in those situations Another response that we could look at is evaluating Evaluating our responses that evaluate the speaker's thoughts in a favorable or unfavorable way It could be their actions as well their thoughts or actions In a favorable or unfavorable way, so we're giving a thumbs up or thumbs down here Evaluating what they did telling them whether it was the right or wrong thing to do So when we're evaluating we want to make sure if I can that it's wanted that that that person actually is interested in our evaluation And we're not just offering it despite their wishes So, you know, not everybody's looking for an evaluation of their behavior or their thoughts or whatever So we just need to make sure that that's welcome in that situation and wanted in that situation Evaluation should also be sincere. It should be something that's intended to help the other person and and should be Offered out of you know thought for their benefit And that should be constructive it should be something positive that they can build on something they can correct something They can do differently or do better. It should be intended to have a positive impact on their life Finally we have advising Advising is where we have responses that offer a speaker of resolution to their problem or situation So we're offering them input here now that could help them solve Whatever that situation is help them fix whatever they have going on So when we're gonna advise first of all when it's it's safe to advise again when they ask for advice because again We don't just want to wade in with this stuff. We want to be sure that it's welcome and wanted when somebody asks for your advice That's a good sign that they that they're open to that that they want to hear that Also when the speaker is willing to listen if you know somebody well You probably know when they're you know, not in listening mode themselves and when they're it's not gonna be productive You know for me if I'm really upset or frustrated or whatever it's not the time to talk to me about solutions It's the time to let me cool off a little bit And because I'm not willing to listen then and nothing's really gonna to penetrate or get through there I'm finally when you're when you're confident in the advice being given That's a good time to advise as well when you when you're like I've had this happen I know what's happening here. I'm absolutely certain that I've got this When you're confident in the advice being given then that's a good time to offer it And finally when you won't face blowback if it doesn't work out You want to be cautious about that that if you know, you give this advice and you tell them how to fix this What if things go wrong? What if it goes backwards and they end up being hurt in that situation or having something negative happen? You know, it's not that you should never risk things when you when you think it's going to help somebody you care about But you want to be cautious too and make sure that If you're not certain and you think there's going to be blowback then it probably is not a good idea to offer that advice So you can see there's a variety of different responses that we can use in different situations And probably the bottom line though is that listening is a two-way street. It does involve responding. First of all So choosing which of these then is the key question. Which of these is the most appropriate? Response in the particular situation that you find yourself That's a big variable, right? Every situation is different every person is different and so you need to consider what that situation is Who you're communicating with who are you as a communicator? Are you somebody who offers a lot of advice? Or are you more that that that you know Shoulder to cry on and more the empathetic responder You need to know who you are and and then apply the appropriate response in a given situation It takes time and practice and trial and error to figure that out But do remember that this is a part of the listening process If you have questions about responding or anything else related to listening Please feel free to email me. Love to hear from you there in the meantime I hope that you will I can just really consider the role of responding In your behavior as a listener and the importance that it can have there and the importance of choosing the appropriate response for a given context or situation And and just how that completes then the listening process