 So he's in the tub and he gets up and he'll reach to the toilet and go crack crack crack on the toilet seat But the first time he did that he about flipped out of the tub. I caught him and he Put him back in the tub. What does he do? Think about anything else you've done in your life. Oh I'm bleeding. I'm gonna do it again and learn from it. I Dislocated my my middle my ring finger here when I was 15 years old playing basketball It dislocated the ball came down like this and these two digits ended up on the third digit It looked like a lightning bolt So I go into the hospital and I'm walking around and this nurse is making fun of me like what's going on here? And I pull off the ice pack and she's like, oh god And they proceeded to give me two shots of numbing agent bend the thing backwards Pull it up over the joint and then jam it back together. They splinted me and said don't play basketball What do I do? I split I tied it to the pink. You know when play basketball Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a man. That's of course what I will do and if you look at the And if you look at the longitudinal statistics of men, here's the best part and then I'll move on the next slide, which is if you look at the death rates and The pen air that the amount of death split between men and women for certain diseases Trauma related is trauma related death the men are like way up here and there's tiny tiny little bit for women And then you get to like dementia And and Alzheimer's and other Alzheimer's over for the dementia and it's all women and there's almost no man I go well, this is easy to explain because all the all of their husbands where the guys said hey Hold my beer watch this and killed themselves in this first graph and then they just kept living and then could I have a devil age? dementia later So you do have to watch out for that, but you don't want to stunt that right you want your kid to explore you want your kid to To be in a safe enough environment to know just how serious some of these things are that he's dealing with are There's a great TED talk recently about this how like they intentionally this guy came up with a Camp for boys and like they're sick and they're like using power tools and using saws and driving cars and people's laps Because you have to learn the gravity of the situation you only do that by by doing it So, you know You're supportive and you keep a long leash on them. You don't want to be a helicopter parent But it's not a dichotomy. It's not either you're overbearing or you're totally absent and detached There's a middle ground of knowing that we all wanted to explore I mean you can't help but explore I was in the desert behind my house as a kid coming back with cactus needles in me and a Bad sunburn and you know running away from animals and you know all this kind of stuff And and he's gonna want to do that too and your kids are gonna want to do that too And you don't want to stifle that girls want to do it too That's actually I mean if you watch them at the playground girls play just as hard as boys just as hard And on top of that when they're young they're pretty damn strong too. So my playground There's this like it's a track you hang on it and go like a zipline like you're some sort of a secret agent or Black ops guy and the girls are doing it more than the boys. They grab on they kick their legs I'm like yeah, they go flying on the thing and at some point culturally we go that's that's not allowed That's not lady like and you don't want to stifle either of those because that's gonna set them up for a variety of things later in life So so definitely don't want to stifle that and then you end up with this. So this was a few weeks ago There's my wife. That's me Of course and my son you get through the first year and you're sort of like okay I think I've got a handle on this But every year is different because now now he's a toddler. He's almost walking and that gets in all sorts of other trouble He's opening up cabinets. He's throwing things out He is his teeth are coming in so he's so he has two teeth and your kid is just gonna cry and scream When these teeth come in now if you think about this like if you imagine razor blades pushing Through your your gums because you don't remember it your one That would pretty fucking hurt and that's what your kids crying about again. He's not had he's not giving you a hard time he's having a hard time and It's just wonderful. It's this very bizarre thing all of a sudden I can remember what it was like before I had a kid, but I wouldn't want to go back to that That's me personally. I'm not making a judgment on anybody else. Everybody's got their own life to live But I you know I wanted I did want to have a kid, but I didn't obsess about what it would be like like my wife did They're obsessed by comparison. She probably thought it was just normal amount of thinking about having a kid So you'll have to do these photos and that'll be great because as I said earlier the days are long But the years are short next thing you know your kid will be like five and like holy crap. Where's this little guy? It was yesterday. He was just born right and it's true. It's so cliche, but it's true and and so You know then the next adventure begins I could come back next year and be like fatherhood the first 24 months And it would be a whole different set of lessons And you have to understand that your thoughts can't be static in what you're attempting to do and parent and and being Caring and willing to change and be fluid is the best advice I can give you I hope some of that stuff was helpful some of the stuff I've talked about was helpful as far as thinking about a little bit more sort of high definition poop smell What what active birth actually looks like like breathing they can't talk to you They don't want to talk to you because it's agonizing pain My experience and Steve can corroborate some of the experience we had with having natural childbirth And if you don't want to do that you want to plan a c-section that's cool, too you know, but is to kind of be informative to tell you all about it and You have any questions Anybody got any questions for Skyler Tanner as as gross as you want guys. I'll ask Skyler do you believe it's possible to focus too much on trying to be a good father Yeah. Yeah, now there's a period of time where you need to it's a It's not an elimination, right if you think about it like a pie think about like a pie chart What you don't want is a spuriously stacked set of blocks Going up to the ceiling with with being a father of being the only supportive thing underneath and the moment that thing goes It all collapses that's way out of balance You want to think about it like a pie chart in which you're varying the amount of focus for periods of time I did say like that being a father will cure you of narcissism pretty quick But it's short term right at some point your kids are gonna become self-sufficient enough to where you don't have to pay as much Micro-attention you're sort of you go you go from micromanaging to macro managing and then you know, then you have your own lives I mean, uh, you I still have my own life like I'm here right now, and I don't have my wife or my kid here, right so Because there's that initial period of just really high high touch high high high and then you start to slowly back away And that's something culturally this is kind of the explanation of Anthony will like this What is the 21 convention? Well early on it was the under 21 convention It was how do you approach and pick up women and now it's become we live in a society that lets you it's a melting pot It lets you have any cultural Micro-cultural norm you want totally supportive the problem with that is we have no cultural norm to shepherd us into adulthood To shepherd us into manhood unless you come from a traditional background of your Jewish Or maybe you have some other your first generation and they're still hanging on to some of those cultural components We don't have that Simultaneously those cultural components serve not only to prepare the child for adulthood But also to prepare the adult for the child leaving the bar mitzvah is not just hey you're 13 you're an adult. It's Your kid is leaving soon. Get ready. It serves both purposes So that I tell my clients ago the 21 convention is now what does it take to be a full complete good man in America in the world and Part of that is sometimes putting as others and others needs before your own But understanding this case that those are your genes you were a rented vehicle You're now passing those things on you want those things to thrive That's the if I'm gonna be very biological the real meaning of life is that get your genes on the next generation anything else Is romantic get your genes on the next generation So there's a self-interest in that But on its face it doesn't look like a self-interest and eventually it is the the piety or ants itself And you're going back to your hobbies at a fuller clip So yes, you can Have too much of a focus on your children But there are periods of time where it's gonna look like that and the grand scheme of things It was the exact right amount of attention for the needs of the time. That's the being fluid part I talked about my second question Some people believe in when babies like really young babies they cried that they let them cry it out and They ignore them until they stop What do you think about that? So so there's a there's a couple components with that typically the cry it out sleep method is The idea that you just let your kid just wail in the crib is What some people take it to but if you actually read the sort of original proponent of kind of cry it out You can be present The idea is that you will give you give the kid comfort and kind of give them what they want if you pick them up And then they'll start become attached to only falling asleep on you or in your bed because like my kid slept in my bed My kills still has sleeping in my bed. I'll sleep six or seven hours. I'll get up in the middle of night I'll go grab and I'll come back and I'll fall right back asleep and he falls back asleep too So it's great, but he's sleeping more and more than night without us But early on he'd be crying you go You're supportive you're not ignoring him But he's going to cry until he stops crying in a supported way Some people take it like we're going to the store audios, bro, you know But it's not that that's not what it is. It's just you don't pick the kid up You don't you don't kind of coddle them when they're crying you but you're supporting them Thanks for the talk scarler. I Wanted to ask you more about how your relationship has changed with your wife and how that has affected your happiness in your relationship with her That's great because that's actually something I forgot to touch on and I wanted to and That wasn't a planted question either, so You you feel extra vigor. Thanks snake oil salesman, but So first of all watching my my wife give birth to my son man tough like my wife is so hardcore and It's you you gain a new appreciation for not only amount that she can suffer, but just how strong women are That there's this notion of the the fairer sex of the weaker sex not at all my wife is incredibly tough and Part of being in a marriage means you've agreed to a process and so this is a kind of a time in the process where We're both having to move through the same space and we have we've had to remind ourselves a number of times It's not I can very easily get focused on like the finances and on doing this and on doing that I'm supporting the family and we have to remind each other kind of on a regular basis We are a partnership in this and it's easy to think about I have to take care of them When really it's we are working together to maintain this household with our mutual strengths What I've what I've kind of come away with more than anything like like I'm attracted to her more than I've ever been before I Am also sure of what of her capabilities even more than before in fact I she kind of is too she like I've gone through that nothing is too hard nothing is too hard and I kind of feel like It's a bit like that high-intensity such I talked about with my kid it feels like my relationship with my wife is strong, but That might not be the same for everybody else in my case I feel like I'm in a bit even better place now I feel like we could suffer a whole lot in a marriage and go through really really much harder times as a result of this experience because this is having been a hard time between us But it's definitely a stressful and you're not paying attention to each other nearly as much So your ability to come together and really focus on each other. You can you can drop the other stuff real quick. It's an interesting kind of Yeah, absolutely absolutely and sometimes, you know, you'll go a couple days and you sort of like forget to check in with one another You're just sort of almost a roommate and then you're like hey And and and you get back to and it's beautiful So yeah, I mean I'm gonna she and I always I I've got to live longer than she does But she wants to live longer than I do so, you know, it's I don't want to be married to anybody else Here's all more dating advice from an 83 year old client of mine. He said he's been married 60 some odd years He goes you feel the same after an orgasm whether you're with Marilyn Monroe, right? He's 80 something years old whether with Marilyn Monroe or some other girl. So why switch horses midstream? You are just not gonna laugh are you? So so yeah, there you go awesome Skyler Tanner guys amazing speech. Thank you so much