 So I'm going to share something about control here It's the the need to control situations control relationships control above all yourself this need we have to put sort of Standards on our own behavior and make sure that we're this type of person I'm going to talk about How we can kind of drop that and I'll talk about the motivation to drop it because In past videos one of the things I focus on is the Persona shadow kind of dynamic Everything that's good that we're attached to this this artificial kind of identity we construct for ourselves is Full of little sub personalities we have and one of those is the controller Okay, we the nervous system desperately feels like it needs to control All aspects of our own life our own behavior primarily, but other people we have all sorts of scripts for how they should behave Outcomes situations in our lives we desperately need to control it drives a lot of anxiety really So we're noticing, you know, that's going to feel that's going to lead to a lot of anxiety. It's going to feel stressful so the thing to remember about control this this controller Subpersonality that we have Which is in the persona we like to feel in control is that the shadow aspect of it is really very interesting So ask yourself. What's the opposite of? The controller It's this part of ourselves that we don't like we want to put away deny repress You know project even get rid of it as far as possible Ask yourself, what's the opposite of control now? The concept I use for this the shadow aspect of the controller Is the record? Okay. Now, what is the record the record is? Do you ever hear someone say something like I don't know what happened to me there. I just lost control I Lost control so this might be as a kind of an explanation for an angry outburst or I just went crazy Okay This record part that surfaces every now and then is actually the call is caused by the controller It's it's The attachment the need to stay in control primarily of ourselves in life is creating the record So an example what am I really talking about here an example would be let's say someone goes to visit their family for the holidays, right and They're promising themselves. Look, I'm not going to react no matter what gets said. I'm gonna stay calm and I'm not gonna say anything. So they really Have this idea of a look. I'm being very Accepting of other people when I go there But really all they're doing they're still attached to the controller because they're trying to control and maybe even repress Feelings of frustration or anger try to control themselves. Okay all the while every time we're attached to this part of the Persona the thing that's acceptable in our eyes and hopefully acceptable to other people we think We're really feeding into this record and this explosive outburst is just ready to come out. Okay, so It's not much use me talking about this if there's no solution, right? So there has to be a solution to it Now the solution is not for us to get rid of the record because that's where that's what we're all trying to do Anyway, we're always repressing it and denying it and trying to get rid of it, right hide it get as far away from this possible So that's not going to work the this will be solved by looking at our attachment and our Belief in the usefulness of the controller the alternative to the controller is Acceptance, okay complete acceptance So that person who goes into the family situation with their relatives Rather than trying to stay calm It involves much more self-awareness and just an acceptance of look I'm going to feel some emotions maybe in this in this experience with my family and And Okay, I may do certain things and may take breaks and maybe take walks I may step out if things get too intense for me, but I'm going to allow myself To feel whatever it is that's going to come up for me and I'm not going to condemn myself or judge myself for that Okay, I'm going to allow I'm going to accept it just as it is and just be curious about it Maybe I'm not going to try and control it though It could also be about controlling other people You know, we have all these scripts and the controller loves to have scripts about how other people should behave So it could be a part of it is about accepting other people sure it is, right? I'm going to drop my script that my parents should be unconditionally supportive of me for instance, or Whatever script it is we have about our siblings or our grandparents or whatever it is Okay, so it's just to go in and look at the Look at the control I am placing on other people and mailing myself in These situations and see if I can just drop that with acceptance or primarily acceptance for myself from my own emotional reactions See the issue is what's really happening here is all of this is coming from a nervous system Which feels threatened and it's it doesn't have to be rational. It just does may be based on past experiences So rather than trying to control that we need to actually try and try to calm it down and make it feel like it's okay I'm above all the first step in that is not condemning it for having the reaction because all that's going to lead to is repression and suppression Again rid of it. Yeah, and it doesn't go anywhere there. Just surfaces and next next year at the family dinner It'll be the exact same experience all over again. Okay So quick video hit today about this what what happens? Why do I have these angry outbursts? Maybe with family or whatever it is? Well, it's because of this sub personality of the need to control my own emotions primarily So rather than controlling them, we just work on Understanding them and allowing them to be there. Maybe you don't necessarily act out of it But you certainly don't judge yourself For feeling like that, you know, there's all these ideas about other aspects of the persona Which I should be the good person. I should be the considerate Son or daughter or whatever it might be So this is kind of the work really we have to do is to get out of this mindset of persona shadow Which is really just one is feeding the other into a different mindset and acceptance is a huge huge part of that mindset guys, I hope that was helpful and Maybe just bring some awareness to that if you're going into a situation like that Well, you feel like you're trying to maybe put a script on yourself or some other someone else or around your own emotional experiences Take care and I'll talk with you again soon