 Hi, this is Roseanne, sitting in for James on his podcast. I'm an enrollment and client journey coach with Project 90, which is one of the several programs we offer people to help them change their relationship to alcohol. I believe I have absolutely one of the best jobs in the world because I get to witness so many people transferring their lives inside 90 days, simply by putting alcohol to the side and seeing what happens. Today, I'd like to introduce you to one of those people that I watched transform. He's going to talk about a phrase that he coined inside of Project 90 called the Domino Effect. We have with us Danny Sabios, who is 57 years old from the Bay Area in California. Danny is an entrepreneur, executive coach and leadership strategist with Unleashed Consulting. Welcome, Danny. Great. Thanks, Roseanne. I appreciate the invitation. Delighted to be here. Oh, we're happy to have you. Hey, how many days alcohol free are you today? Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. So let's say 90 if I do the math, 137. So at about four and a half months. Congratulations. Thank you. Cheers. I want to start today with telling people about what life was like before you decided to take this journey. What were you struggling with? What was your decision point for taking action? Yeah. So I don't know if my story is any different than a lot of other folks. So it's well, it probably is in a lot of ways. So for me, alcohol was not an issue until it became an issue. And then all of a sudden, it would not go away. So as I've been going through this, I often think that there's something about. We can maybe talk about this a little bit. But the idea that that first drink is the first drink doesn't lie to me. It doesn't lie to you. It says, hey, if you drink me, you're going to have a good time and feel relaxed. The problem is the second drink that says, I'm going to be just like the first drink. And then the third drink, which is the same thing. And I found when those things started to happen, it was too late. So I was trying everything over the past three years, I think, to mitigate, to moderate, to fool myself, to gain myself, to do it. And nothing stuck. Nothing stuck. I had also come out of a really painful divorce, was starting, my business was starting to grow. There was all this stuff going on here. But I remember thinking back, I was actually thinking about this the other day. I was taking a walk with my dog, and I was listening to some inspirational podcast. And I remember thinking at the time, because it asked me to think of the one thing that was really getting in the way of my being successful. Like the one thing that you move that, release that, and it's like the dam will explode. And I was like, it's drinking. It's my drinking. It gets, it robs me of a number of hours every day because I've just lost and whatever. The next day oftentimes, not always, but oftentimes, was miserable. And as I shared with you, Rosanne, one of my first posts, how Mondays, it was great to get my Mondays back. So anyway, it was not an abrupt thing that happened for me. It was like, wait a minute, I'm trying everything. It's not working. And I'm having the same conversation with myself that I've been having for the past three years. So that's when. Did you notice any health effects or anything like that? Yeah, so yeah, it's really funny. So I've been, I was very much trying to lose weight, to get on top of fitness stuff, a whole bunch of health stuff. And was making progress, but I could not lose. I just kept gaining these few pounds back and just never lost them. And so that was one thing is that, once I cut 720 calories out of my day, I continued with this. I can attest that your face is much thinner. Right? Yeah, so I lost 10 pounds in the 90 days and I'm not a big guy to begin with. So. Can you say that again, I didn't hear how many, how much weight did you lose in the 90 days? In the 90 days and it stayed off, yeah. Which is, you know, it's fine, but it's significant for me because I didn't think I even had 10 pounds to lose. I thought I had just a few pounds. So that's great. And it's been done really healthy. So between that, and I mean, that was kind of the, you know, the obvious stuff, but just the lack of energy towards the end of the evening, I mean, it's things like that, that we're really getting in the way of my feeling good. And just again, that was Mondays, man. The Mondays, I'm realizing now, even though I haven't drank for quite a while, Mondays still suck, right? They're still hard. I tend to not have eaten well necessarily on Sunday and don't feel great, but I feel like a billion times better and much, much prefer to look at myself in the mirror now on Monday than I ever did in the past. So that was huge. How about relationships? Have you noticed any difference? Like what was happening in your relationships or was anything happening in your relationships as a result of? Well, I'll always, you know, going through a divorce was no fun. And, you know, to my dying day, I'll put blame on both sides of the equation. And... That's your shit. Yeah, exactly, right? Exactly, but I know that that was my drinking and his, so it's my ex-husband. So I've been an out gay man for many, many years, but both of us not doing well with the booze. So, you know, I can think back of just some really horrific, technical arguments that would not have happened were it not for the martinis that we both became very, very fond of. So in that way, you know, it certainly impacted my relationships to get to the starting point. And since then, what I've noticed, you know, we're recording this during the pandemic and I'm not out and about a lot, but I have core friends and family that I continue to be with and associate with and they have noticed the change in my being able to be more present, more focused, more... Are you more calm by any chance? I am more calm. I am absolutely more calm. Yeah, that's something that's really interesting and kind of the psychophysiology of it really supports what happens is our brain is rewiring, right? In a lot of ways. So, you know, we start to, first of all, we start forming new habits, new neural pathways, all that stuff. But the other thing is that our brain is doing some things to help us go into the more thoughtful part of ourselves. So we're able to, you know, I talk often about the idea of the saboteurs and the sage and the saboteurs and the negative thinking and the sage as a positive, peaceful, calmer, more thoughtful part of our minds and I'm definitely, I can access that so much easier now. It's just, it's right there. It's right there for me to get to and we're drinking, it was always in a fog. It was some big distorted. I do want to go to that post that you talk about because that was just such a big wow for me to watch as well in your journey. So this was 12 days in and you are looking in the mirror and you're in your bathroom and going, wow, this is the first Monday in a long time where I am okay with looking in the mirror. You know, tell me about what's going on then and what you were thinking. That was a biggie and I'm so glad you remembered that because I keep forgetting about it. It was so impactful. So yeah, I hope you can share it with everybody else. Yeah, it was exactly what you said. So it was just this realization of, you know, wiping the steam off the mirror after a shower on a Monday and being like, okay, you know, you still look like crap, but you look like a lot better version of crap than normally. And I mean, significantly and that I could focus and that I could see and it wasn't cloudy and it wasn't, I didn't feel that sense of just lethargy and lethargy and tiredness and just didn't feel all that. So it showed in my eyes. So I looked right into my eyes and I was like, holy shit, this is working. Well, I think you mentioned that you were up earlier, that you were ready to tackle the day as opposed to this mindset like, oh my gosh, I have to make the first call and then this is what I mean. Yeah, I was missing out on, I was, yeah. It was just, it was not a proud, I think there were client calls, there was different things that I was rescheduling on a continual basis on Mondays because I was never able to be, or I wasn't able to, often wasn't able to be as present and as in touch as I wanted to be. So that particular Monday, I realized, first of all, I had gotten up early. I had, I was working on a morning ritual for getting to bed early and getting up early and it was working. And I was able to get my day started at 9 a.m. instead of 1 p.m. Definitely an upgrade. Huge, yeah, huge. So you are great with pointing phrases and one of the phrases that you coined and were challenging people with during your time there was recognizing the domino effect of what was going on during that 90 days. Tell me a little bit about what you were experiencing when you found or kind of recognized that phrase. Yeah, so I'm a big believer in the work that I do with clients and but also in my life around systems and appreciating how important systems are when we're looking at any kind of problem that shows up over and over and over again. So my drinking was clearly a system problem meaning that there were a lot of things in my life that were interconnected. It wasn't just whether I'm drinking or not drinking, it's that I was suffering in this part of my life or this part was frustrating and that was resulting in drinking and then the drinking would result in something else. So the domino effect says, there's one thing to recognize all that and understand why we engage in habits that don't work for us. But it's another thing to start realizing when they do work for us and start tracking that. So the domino effect says, basically for me, what it was saying is that, what happened when I stopped drinking? Well, when I stopped drinking, first of all, I saved a bunch of money, right? I totaled that up the other day and I've saved about a thousand bucks and that's one effect. My Mondays are back, that's another effect. I lost a few pounds, that's another effect. But beyond that, what else happens? That's just the first domino. Then what happens when I feel better about myself, when I have a bit more time in my schedule and a few more bucks in my pocket? Well, I started looking around for other opportunities because I wanted to do some other things with my health and fitness. So I stumbled upon a virtual 100-mile challenge, enrolled in that, started doing that, found that I had more energy in the time to do that. So what happens when I did that? Well, once I did that, I started getting into other kinds of health and fitness. Like there was just this domino effect that ultimately resulted in better relationships with my family and friends, better business, better business opportunities. I mean, the list could, there are just, there are a thousand different things that happen, but they weren't necessarily, the thing with the domino effect is that it's not just the one thing that happens. It's the things that happen from that, and then the things that happen from that. So it's, there's a, I love the idea of, if you've ever played Jenga, the game Jenga, where you're pulling out all the different pieces and only one, you know, you pull up this piece, nothing happens. This piece, but one or two pieces, you pull it and the whole thing gives way. And I feel like stopping drinking was that Jenga piece for me. I pulled that out and then a whole bunch of things came from that that I didn't anticipate. That's what's really cool about this. Like, you know, you can think about stopping drinking and like, okay, if I did that, then, you know, this would happen that, but there are a lot of unanticipated benefits that are the results of the domino's following that you don't see until you look back at them. Right. So, yeah. I want to be pretty honest with people because not everybody, this isn't always puppies and kittens and rainbow. It's 90 days. It's not like you enroll and it's like, well, so tell me about some of the things that weren't so easy for you. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, there's, you know, one of the coaches in this program or the main coach, his name is Kevin and Kevin has this great expression that I never heard before about, you know, it's not all rainbows and unicorns or it can be all rainbows in here, but there are even dark colors in the rainbow. And I was like, oh my God, that's it. That's it. Like everything is great, there are certainly dark colors. So things like, you know, it's not the, you know, you still run into problems. You're still, you know, there, you know, no matter where you go, there you are kind of thing, right? So it's not like I cleared up everything by not drinking, but it puts it into a clearer focus. It certainly takes the edge off of a lot of things so that I can be clearer in that focus. But no, it ain't all, you know, that's the one thing is that we start selling ourselves on that, you know, everything is great. And it's, no, I mean, there's life still happens. There's still, you know, I'm not gonna get political, but there's still, you know, the world is shifting and changing and that's still out there. So how we react to that, I think changes in a great deal, you know, it's changed for me in a great way, but it doesn't necessarily, you know, there are still those problems out there. So there will, you know, all those things will still be there. So, yeah, is that what you were getting at? That's- Well, I wanted to know if there was something that you, if there's anything that you can think of that you could share where you really hit a bump in the road and you're like, this isn't easy, but got through it, you know? Yeah, good point. Yeah, so I knew that when I reconnect, so my ex-husband and I are still very good friends, but we had, it was, you know, it was a pain in the ass to get to be friends. We finally got to be friends, but I realized a good portion of when we'd get together was still around drinking. So I was terrified of that, not terrified, but I was very worried about that, that we wouldn't be able to get through that. And I found out it was, you know, that was more on me than it was on him and for me to get through it. So to kind of push through that, even if it was uncomfortable and knowing that there was something that I could lose, I mean, there are all these things that one may lose when one doesn't drink anymore, relationships, dependencies, you know, habits, you know, socializing habits that we've had in the past. So, you know, you may need to give up some of those things, but it's, the trade-off is well worth it. So that was one thing was getting through that bump. Tell me how you did make it through though. I know, I know, because I walked through this with you and I remember it being very difficult, but am I sharing what helped you get through it? Yeah, I think there's, yeah. So to have a plan, so I had a plan when I went to visit him, this was for, he lives many, many hours away from me. So we were gonna spend a couple of weeks together, actually, and having a plan for what I would do in the moment was good, right? Just to have it, even though it wasn't a perfect plan. And then to be able to, during, while we were together, to be able to turn to this community, the P90 community, and just get inspiration and motivation and support from folks that have already been in this place. And to have, you know, a frank conversation with him about, you know, I'm not doing this and this is the reason I'm not doing it. It's all fine, you know, it's not about T-totaling and it's, maybe it's not even forever, but for right now this is important for me and my health and happiness. And so I think, you know, there's just a lot of value in having a plan, doing some preparing and having the resources when you're in the moment to be able to turn to should you need them. Good. Well, speaking of not, and you did make it through that trip and then I think another and I think the other, the second trip was far easier for you. Yes, good memory. Yeah, very good memory. Yeah, I love watching everybody's journey. It was a lot easier, a lot easier and there's just more value in the relationship now because we're past that, so it was, yeah. Well, and I think that is a certain, there's a valuable lesson that you're sharing with people is that, you know, having a plan, making it through and knowing the second time will be better and the third time will be better than that. I want to transition, you know, to your 90 days because most people, like, there's something that happens, right? And for me, it was maybe at day 75, like, yeah, I'm done. I don't want this, you know? But for you at nine, you're like, still wondering what's in it for me and I think, where are you today, by the way? Yeah, that's what you didn't ask me before. Ah! Yeah, yeah, I am still not, I'm not signing off on the lifelong commitment to anything. I just don't, I'm not gonna do that. It's really clear to me, so a couple of things, a few things have happened over the past few weeks, right? One is, I'm with you. I believe there's a switch that happens for people and it happens, it tends to happen in the 90 days and for me, the switch has just gone much slower. It's gone outside of the 90 days, but the switch is definitely coming, and what's happening now for me, that I find really interesting. I was just talking to somebody about this. It's almost an irrelevant question of should I drink? Will I drink? Well, I'm not, it just doesn't have any, it's like, well, I have mayonnaise today. That's, like, it's, well, maybe I will, maybe I won't and why are we even talking about this? It's like, it just doesn't feel like it needs to occupy the bandwidth. So, yeah. And I do feel that this is how we're taught in Project 98 is the best way to think in terms of, hey, here's what's going on for me today. It's pretty darn cool. Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. What, when I reach for that, is it gonna offer me something I don't have today? I don't know about the future. I think that it's too hard to think about the future. So we try and do it in three months at a time. Yeah, that's exactly. And that's where I am exactly right now is thinking about it three months at a time, and it's super helpful. I also think there's something about when one's mind starts to move towards that I'm going towards something as opposed to moving away from something, that that's a big deal for me, right? So it's almost like, yes, I'm 137 days alcohol-free, but I'm day one of the rest of my, not to get too hollyannish about it, but I'm kind of in day one of this next thing that I'm really looking forward to because I'm not drinking. So instead of like, I'm celebrating the fact that I'm avoiding drinking, it's, no, I'm kind of celebrating the fact that there's something else that's coming that I'm moving towards. I'm being compelled towards as opposed to moving away from. Does that make sense? Totally. As a matter of fact, from an enrollment coach's point of view, sometimes it's the hardest thing to explain to people. Yeah. Is when you take off the ball and chain that I call it, there's this horror and this existence about you that people want to be around you. Like, oh, you're cool. Like, I wasn't cool before. I may not be cool now, but I mean, You were and you are and you always will. No, but there's this sense of calm and joy that's uninhibited, whereas those saboteurs that you're talking about to come in, really hard. And when you kind of clear the path of that ball and chain and that internal conversation, you're like, what other part? What other part of the world can I visit? And I don't think either of us would want to put the brakes on that, you know? Exactly. Because there's something, exactly. There's a whole new thing out there that's calling to me, but it is that flip from staying away from something which can occupy a good portion of energy instead looking forward to something and kind of knowing it's there, knowing it's there. Maybe I don't know exactly what it is, but it's getting clearer and clearer. So there's also some really interesting, I think, kind of brain psychology around some of this stuff too, that there's something called mirror neurons in our brain. And there are the neurons that reflect. So if you're exuding calmness and grace and thoughtfulness and all that, my mirror neurons will pick up on that and I want to do the same thing. I want to behave the same way. So likewise, so they say in my language, like your saboteurs will ignite my saboteurs. So if you're hyper-vigilant. Negative, yeah. Exactly, it'll ignite mine and we'll go into this vicious circle in this community of complaint and it'll all figure. And likewise, the opposite is also true. So when I'm closer to my sage, my inner, deeper, wiser part of myself that I really had a hard time accessing, really hard time accessing when I was drinking, a lot easier now, that that will, your mirror neurons and yourself will reflect the same thing and it will become a virtuous cycle as opposed to a destructive cycle. I need to look that up because that's the scientific way of explaining what I'm trying to tell people. Like, no, I swear there's something that happens, jobs become easier, people see, yeah, you can kind of wipe away the negativity that's coming from another being and not always taking responsibility for it. There you go, exactly. Yeah, you know, I'd like to think for me, I'm a, you know, as you said, I'm an executive coach and I like to think I'm a kind of a Rocky Road, blue sky coach. So I'm very much, I love the idea of things like the law of attraction. And, you know, if you're familiar with that and what, you know, what I, what I put out to the universe is what I'll bring into the universe. But I'm also, I mean, there's physiology, there's neurophysiology to support a lot of that. So yeah, this, these mirror neurons are part of what, it's like, oh, it's not just, you know, Northern California, woo-woo kinds of kinds of, it's got some, it's got an edge. It's got a Rocky Road to it too that has to do with our physiology. Yeah, well, I, I mean, if you talk to James and it's like, what exactly are we doing? He's using some of the latest and greatest neuroscience concepts to change habits, right? Right, yeah, I love that, exactly, exactly. Yeah, one of those things, and you and I just talked a little bit about this in another forum was that, you know, that, you know, 90 days is not just an easy number to remember. It's a great number for solidifying a new habit. So, you know, kind of the old way of thinking about habit formation was it takes 21 days and it turns out that's not even close, that it's closer to 66 days, but even more so, you know, to really reinforce it and make sure that we have something that we can go into autopilot around in a lot of ways, 90 days is a good mark. So that's part of, I think what's in James's mind is he didn't make it a 60 day program. He made it a 90 day program for some good reasons. Yeah, I do think the pop comes later. So, those people that are working on the 30 day program, yeah, 30 days and reflect on what's going on and commit to the next 30. Yes, there you go. And commit to the next 30. Yeah. Because each one is progressive. That's right, and there are different tools. I mean, it's not only learning the tools at the beginning, but you know, you need some time to be able to apply them to work. It's like being trained in a kitchen and saying, okay, here's your knife and your fork and your blender and your bowl. Now go make a souffle. And it's like, well, what's that? You can't just give me the tools. The tools are great, but I need some time and to be able to master and apply and put some sophistication around you. So, yeah. Oh, Danny, we just loved having you in this program. You're just a delight to listen to with all the science and application and then everything else that is kind of going through your brain and then you take the time to teach us. I thank you. My pleasure. I want to kind of close out. I was going to ask you about like, well, what's the one thing that you learned? But we talked about so many things. Yeah. Why do you believe that community? I guess we can talk about community because we know why was the community so important to you during this process? Well, I'm realizing now actually through some additional kinds of research stuff that I've been doing, that there's good habit formation often depends on community at some level. So that's, you can't do it on your own. You can't, well, no, there's a small, I think about people who are quit drinking on a bell curve, right? And there's a small fraction at the end that can do it all on their own, but the majority of folks are in the middle where you need a few things. One is a plan, two are the tools, three is support, and four is community, whether it's, so that's, and now, and I'm realizing that as I, again, on this latest bit of research I've done that most good habit formation is really dependent on a community, right? It's easy to rise and fall with a community. So I so value that we have that. And from all over the world, different, sorry, my dog. That's okay. That community is an essential piece of the new habit formation that needs to happen. So again, it's all part of the whole system's thinking and how different things support, but this community is really cool, right? This community is from all over the world. It's crazy, right? I've just never interacted with so many people around something so personal and private from around the world, around the world. So different perspectives, different ways of looking at things, and it's pretty cool. It's actually very cool. It is cool. Well, Danny, I got to let you get back to your job. I could talk to you all day long. That was fun. I really appreciate the time you gave us and all the insight that you shared about your journey and it's just been a privilege to watch you grow and teach us as you grow. So thank you so much. Thank you, Roseanne. It was a real pleasure. I really enjoyed this. Thanks so much. Thanks for listening to the Alcohol Free Lifestyle podcast. I want to load you up with some free stuff right now. 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