 The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Kenny Baker and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens the program with, It's All Yours. The other day one of those inquiring reporters stopped me on the street with this question. Do you believe that men know as much about cooking as women? Well, I had the answer to that one and I said no, but they know plenty about good things to eat. And that I told them is why they all like Jell-O. And ladies, I'll bet your own experience has shown you how true that is, why everybody likes Jell-O and no wonder. That delicious extra-rich fruit flavor makes every Jell-O dessert a brand new and exciting treat. It's a fruit flavor that's rich in full-bodied and supremely satisfying right from your first tempting spoonful to the very last. And Jell-O is really doubly satisfying because it looks so delicious, so gay and cheerful and appetizing. It's a swell dessert, a dessert you can serve as often as you like for the family will always enjoy it. So look for those big red letters on the box. They spell Jell-O, and Jell-O spells a treat. Yours played by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, next Thursday evening, February the 23rd, the winners of the annual Academy Award for Distinguished Achievements in Motion Pictures will be announced. That's right. The audience of this great honor for outstanding performances on the screen will receive gold statues symbolic of their unquestioned ability. Yes, sir. So tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a man who hasn't a Chinaman's chance, Jack Benny. Well, Jell-O again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, that was very funny but uncalled for. Far were you, Mr. Wilson. I wouldn't be so sure about my not winning the Academy Award for the best actor. Well, Jack, you'll have to admit that your name hasn't been mentioned in that connection. It doesn't mean anything. I can always be a dark horse, you know. Can't I, Phil? Not with that gray mane. Now, wait a minute, Phil. Don't jump at conclusions. Did you see my last picture, Artisan Models Abroad? No, I didn't. Go ahead and fire me. Not gonna fire you, Phil. I'm just trying to bring out a point. That's all. Don, did you see Artisan Models Abroad? Well, to tell you the truth, Jack, I didn't. However, it was raining one night, and I intended to go. What happened? It stopped raining. Well, it's too bad because you sure missed a real tree. Hello, Jack. Hello, Kenny. Say, Kenny, did you see Artisan Models Abroad? Oh, sure. I went the very first week, and I took my girl along. Oh, well, what did you kids think of it? Don't ask us. We were neck and like 60. That's fine. You two always neck when you go to a picture, Kenny? No, during the good earth, we made mud pies. Well, you were younger then. I'm gonna find somebody who saw my picture if I have to start a contest. Anyway, fellas, my performance in Artisan Models Abroad is deserving of some recognition. I don't say that I'm positive of getting the Academy Award, but if I don't, it's a frame up. Oh, listen, Jack, I don't want to shatter your hopes, but there's a rumor that Clark Gable has an excellent chance of winning the award. Who? Clark Gable. Gable? Poof. A fine chance he's got. Not only that, I hear that Jimmy Cagney's liable to step right up and cop the prize. Cagney? Yes, Cagney. Poof. That little guy for what? For what? Did you see him in angels with dirty faces? Yes, I did. You call that a performance? I certainly do. Oh, why, you take that scene where he was electrocuted. He didn't get one laugh. Some performance. Well, for heaven's sake, you don't expect the guy to get a laugh when he's gonna be electrocuted, do you? Yeah, I'd have got a laugh. You'd have got applause. Well, Phil, if you're gonna make a joke out of it, there's no use discussing it any further. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. What are you all excited about? Plenty. Phil here doesn't think I have a chance in the world of winning the Academy Award. He does? And how does Don feel about it? Well, Don agrees with Phil. Oh, move over, fellas. And to hear this gang talk, you think I was a flop as an actor. Oh, Jack, you always get so upset when these awards are being given out. Last year you were jealous because Spencer Tracy won it. Me jealous of Tracy? I was not. You weren't? Then tell him what you did to his picture on the billboards all over town. All right, so I drew a few mustaches. Is that a crime? Me jealous of Tracy. Yes, and the things you said about him. Now, wait a minute, Mary. All I said was I wish I had my ability and his luck. That's all. Why, Jack, Benny, what are you talking about? Spencer Tracy's one of the greatest actors on the screen today or any other day. Oh, he is. Why, certainly. That goes for me, too. Down with Benny. Kenny, this isn't a revolution. We're just having a little discussion. Well, I don't care. Don is right. Listen, Kenny, I'm just as good a Spencer Tracy any day. All I need is a break. Oh, I can't stand this. Ladies and gentlemen, the next time you go to your neighborhood grocer, ask him for a package of jello. It comes in 60 list of flavors, strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. I'm going out for a smoke. Well, how do you like that? First time I've ever seen Don so upset. Gosh, even his favorite dessert didn't calm him down. Mary, do you think he was really mad? Yes, his chins were just quivering. He was. It's getting so a guy can't even express an opinion around here. I don't see why Don should jump on me. After all I've done for him. What did you ever do for Don? What did I ever do? Well, for one thing, I discovered him. That's what I did. Discovered him. Yes. When I first met Don Wilson, he was a barker in front of a side show. Valley hoeing for a lot of freaks. That's what he was. How'd you happen to meet him? Jack was a wild man from Waukegan. Now Mary, I haven't been around a freak show since I broke up with Princess Zaza, the snake charmer. So there. No kidding, Jack. Did you really go around with a snake charmer? Yes, Kenny. She was a lovely girl. But I couldn't stand that hissing all the time. And now if you've got a song ready, we'd like to hear it. Okay. Just a minute. Come in. Telegram for Jack Finney. Right here, boy. Take it, Mary. Okay. Here, buddy. Here's a nickel for you. Gee, thanks, mister. Now I can get married. Fresh guy. Who's the telegram from, Mary? It's from your father, Miami Beach, Florida. Oh, from Dad, eh? What does it say? It says, uh, my dear boy, everybody in Miami seems to think you're going to win the Academy Award. Well... But the sun is very hot down here. Oh, good old Dad. Always thinking about the weather. Sing, Kenny. Say, Mary, do you think Don is really offended? Oh, I dream in vain. In my heart there will the memory of those across the meadows of my heart. In the sky, the little star's cloud is reminding me that we're apart. Give me a song that will not love is now the start of stars. Yesterday, the music of my reverie, and I am once again with you. When our love was an inspiration long ago, now my consolation is in the stardust of a song. Stardust, an old favorite sung by Kenny Baker. And very good, Kenny, but what made you sing such an old number? Oh, I don't know, Jack. I guess I'm just sentimental. Oh. You know, a song like that brings back a lot of memories, believe me. Memories? Boy, those sure were happy days when I was just a kid and didn't know what it was all about. Well, well... Happy days are here again. Now, Mary, Kenny has just as much right to reminisce as anybody else. He can have his memories too. And how, brother? Kenny, don't be such a devil. And now, ladies and gentlemen, to get on with the program, I'd like to announce that next week... Hey, Jack. Here's Don. Oh, yes, our prima donna has returned. Hello, Don. Did you have a nice smoke? Yes, Jack, and I'm sorry I lost my temper. Oh, that's all right. Don, we can all make mistakes. I didn't make any mistakes. Oh. But when you said that you were a better actor than Spencer, Tracy, Clark, Gabriel, or Jimmy Cagney, it just nauseates me. That's all. Oh, it does. Well, did you hear that, Phil? Well, Don's right. You sound egotistical. Oh, I do. Gosh, I'm not the least bit jealous of Paul Whiteman or Stokowski. But you would be if you were a musician. You're a fine leader, Phil. You have yet to conduct a number where you didn't finish a minute ahead of the boys. Well, that's the trouble with them. They're no good in the stretch. Now, anyway, Phil, Don and I are talking about an entirely different thing. Now, in my picture, artists and models are broad. Your picture. Your picture. That's all you talk about. Well? Fred Allen was right Wednesday night when he said he saw you in forum. You can't act at all. Oh, he did. Well, let me ask you something. Did you see Allen in that last picture he made, his photo finish? Yes, I saw it. Oh, boy, how he tries to hog the camera. What do you mean? Well, any man that'll put a false face on the back of his head so he can appear in every scene. Well, and the way he photographs, what they have to go through to make up that pan of his. Quite a job, huh? A job. It's a government project. I'll never understand why Universal Studios spends thousands of dollars to make up Boris Karloff when they can use Allen in the raw. Boy, will he burn up when I win the Academy Award next week. How do you know you're going to win it? Because I deserve it. I'm an actor, first, last and always. You're a ham, baked, boiled or fried. Listen, Mary, there's nothing hammy about speaking the truth. Why, in my picture, artists and models abroad... Oh, this is disgusting. You said it. I'm going out for a smoke. Well, now, Mr. Baker has joined the ranks of the sulkers around here. You see down the bad example you set? And now, ladies and gentlemen, that Kenny is in the other room and there might be a little quieter in here. I'd like to make the announcement that I started five minutes ago. Next week is a special attraction. We are going to present... Now what? Come in. Well, hello, Andy. How are you, Buck? Andy, we haven't seen you for some time now. I was hoping you'd drop in last week for my birthday. Well, better late than never, Buck. Here's a little present Mom made for you. Well, thanks, Andy. Thanks very much. Here you are, Buck. I hope you like it. Well, gosh, look, fellas, just what I needed. A hand-painted sofa pillow. Say, that'll come in mighty handy. Yeah, you can put it in your pants in case you meet Spencer Tracy. Never mind that. She is so nice and soft. Be sure and thank your ma for me, Andy. Well, you better thank Pa, too. He got an awful cold in his chest on account of that pillow. He did. Yeah, Ma stuffed it with his beard. Oh, so he cut Pa's beard off, eh? What was the big idea? Well, Ma thought he was making faces at her and she wanted to find out. I see. Well, I'm surprised your Pa let her do it. Is he better looking without it? Oh, he's handsome now. He is, huh? Yeah, when Ma was shaving him, she ducked a dip in his chin. Well, gee whiz, that's something. It's too bad about him losing his Adam's apple vote. Well, well, all that trouble for this little pillow. Anyway, thanks again, Andy. I'm going to keep this in the living room right next to my melodian. And now, folks... Oh, Jack, Kenny just came in. Oh, yes. Well, Mr. Baker, did you have a nice smoke? Yeah. That's good. Boy, am I dizzy. Well, it serves your right. And now, folks, once more, I'd like to announce that... Say fuck! What are you laughing at? Did you hear Fred Allen Wednesday night? Oh, him again. Why? He said you were so cheap you put your long underwear away, soaking wet, so the mug would catch cold. Oh, he said that, eh? Well, how would you like to know that Allen doesn't wear any underwear at all? He doesn't? No, when it gets real cold, he just pins his shirt tail around him and lets the rest of the world go by. So he better shut up. Well, Allen can say anything he wants to about you because you called him a rat. Why, Mary Livingston, I called him nothing of the kind. You didn't say he was a rat? Definitely not. All I said was that the Pied Piper ever came to New York and walked down the street, Allen would join the parade. That's what I said. Oh, then you didn't refer to him as a rodent? No, and the fact that he's partial to food of Groton is just a coincidence. And now, ladies and gentlemen, now that I've put Mr. A in his place, we will have a number by the orchestra. What are you going to play, Phil? Yes. Yes, you mean now or after the number's over? Andy, stick around. Phil's going to rip into a selection for us. Okay, I can stand it if you can. Hit it, Maestro. Ready, boys? One for the money, two for the show. Nuts to Benny, and here we go. How cute. How cute. It was either Jeepers Creepers or This Can't Be Love, played by Phil Harrison as orchestra. Did I guess right, Phil? No, the name of that was whole tight, but you were close. Thanks. You know, Phil, I've been wondering for some time, why do you have two piano players in your band? Two, I only have one. Well, who's that little guy with the mustache at the other piano? Oh, he's lost. He thinks I'm Guy Lombardo. Well, good heavens, don't tell him. You know, Phil, one thing I've noticed lately. Pardon me for interrupting, Buck, but I think I'll be running along now. I got work to do. Okay, Andy, see you later. So long. So long? Oh, say, Buck, I meant to ask you, did you really get a polar bear for a birthday present last week, or was that just a gag? Gee, it went way low on that. I wish it was a gag, Andy. Believe me, I've had plenty of trouble with that polar bear haven't I, Mary? Yeah. Tell him what happened when you were training him the other afternoon. Oh, that, say, that could happen to anybody. Training him? What are you training the bear for? Jack wants to be ready in case Vaudeville comes back. That's not the only reason. Anyhow, let's forget about that polar bear. Oh, no, what happened when Jack was training him, Mary? Go ahead, you little tattletail. Well, I dropped into Jack's house the other day, and there he was all dressed up as a bear. That's so. Go on, Mary. Well, when the bear stopped laughing... He wasn't laughing. I had him scared to death. Anyway, Jack cracked the whip and made him sit up and said, nice bear, give me your paw. And what happened? Jack got it right in the kisser. Well, I could hardly feel it. Anyway, I got him tamed now, and he knows who his master is. Jack, do you think you know who sent you that bear? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Jack, do you think you know who sent you that bear? I don't know, Don. At first, I thought it might be Fred Allen, but I'm positive now that it wasn't. Why? Well, I had Allen's program on last Wednesday, and the bear turned it off. Now, he's a pretty intelligent animal. Hey, Jack, what are you going to do with that bear anyway? Are you going to keep him? Well, I'd like to, Kenny, but it's so expensive. He eats fish like mad, and he's so fussy, he won't eat what I give him. No wonder. Jack put tails on carrots and told him they were goldfish. Now, what's the difference? They're good for him. Hey, Buck, I got to go now. See you later. So long. So long, Andy, and thanks again for the present. Oh, you're welcome. I hope you get the Academy Award, Buck. I don't know why that should be so funny. You might all be surprised. And now, ladies and gentlemen, as I started to announce so many times this evening, next week is our feature attraction. We are going to present the year's supreme effort by the Benny overestimated art group. None other than our version of Daryl Zanik's 20th Century Fox production, that dynamic screen classic, that gripping melodrama, that thrilling and sensational triumph, Jesse James. Thank you. Now, owing to the importance of this great feature, tonight we are going to present a few of the highlights from this tremendous attraction. First... Pardon me. Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny, this is Rochester. Look, you'll have to call me back later, Rochester. I'm right in the middle of an important announcement. Okay, boss, I'll just leave my resignation on addresses. Yes, do that. Your resignation? What are you talking about? Now, look, boss, I don't mind opening doors, running airs, driving your car, and cleaning the house. But when you expect me to be lady and waiting to that North Pole kitten, I quit. Don't get excited, Rochester. In the first place, you can't quit this minute. I haven't paid you yet. That's all right. I'll just take some spoons. You'll do nothing of the kind. Now, tell me, what's the matter with Carmichael? Carmichael? That's the bear. What's wrong with him, Rochester? Well, every time I meet him, he wants to rumble with me. Oh, well, he's just being playful. Why don't you dance with him? I did this morning, and when we got through, he applauded. Applauded? Well, say, that was cute. Cute? Nothing, my head was between his paws. Oh, that's too bad. I'm all scratched up like a nearsighted berry picker. Well, look, Rochester, you should have done what I told you to. I told you to put that polar bear in the garage. I did that a half hour ago. That's no good. Why not? I looked out the window just now, and he was driving by in the car. Rochester, are you sure it was him? I'm positive he waved at me. Then it was Carmichael. My goodness, Rochester, how are you going to get him back? Don't worry, boss. He can't go far. Why not? The car's nearly out of gas, and he didn't take any money with him. Well, I'll be home pretty soon. We'll go out looking for him. Okay, so long. So long. Oh, say, boss. Yes? If you win the Academy Award, will you give me a raise? I certainly will. You'll get a nice substantial increase. Man, I sure wish you was a better actor. Now, wait a minute, Rochester. Just for that, you're going to get her... What's that? Well, blow me down. Here comes Carmichael up the driveway. I bet he got a ticket. A ticket? How do you know? He's got a policeman in his mouth. So long, boss. So long. Say, you know what, fellas? I got a regular gold mine in that bear. He can dance, drive a car, and everything. Gee, if he could lead an orchestra, you could shoot Phil Harris. Hey, there's an idea. I'll get him a baton tomorrow. Oh, yes, our half hour is nearly up, so right now, ladies and gentlemen, we are going to give you a preview of some of the highlights from next week's attraction. Jesse James. Drama! Now, listen, Mrs. James, we're going to run a railroad through your land, so I'm giving you just 10 minutes to pack your duds and get off. Well, I ain't getting off. Oh, Jesse! Jesse! Yes, Maul? This man is trying to take our farm away from us. Oh, he is, eh? Yeah, what are you going to do about it? Nothing now, but you wait till next Sunday night. Action! Oh, hey, you. What? I'm with your hands. Stick them up. Quick. Okay, but you're wasting your time. I haven't got any money. You haven't, eh? Well, I'll give you just seven days to get some. Romance. Oh, Zarelda. Zarelda, will you marry me? No, Jesse, I can't. You have no sex appeal. Well, I'll get some by next week. Jello! Don't shoot him, Jesse. Don't shoot him. Why not, Frank? Oh, he said to count six before you lose your temper. Okay, strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. These are just a few of the thrills that will come to you next Sunday night. So be sure and tune in. Playfield. You know, a holiday is a grand excuse to have company for dinner, and I think everybody enjoys that. So here's a swell idea for a Washington's birthday dinner. A delicious new fruit salad made with cherry jello. You can serve it as your salad and dessert course all in one, and it's easy. Here's how to make it. Dissolve one package of cherry jello in a pint of hot water and chill until slightly thickened. Then fold in one half cup of seeded canned white cherries cut in quarters and one half cup of diced canned pineapple. Serve on crisp lettuce with plenty of real golden mayonnaise, and believe me, you've got something. For a cherry jello has a deep glowing crimson color that's mighty tempting and a delicious extra rich fruit flavor that just can't be topped. Combined with white cherries and tangy pineapple, you get a colorful shimmering salad that's really a picture and tastes just as good as it looks. So ask your grocer tomorrow for some cherry jello and try this delicious new salad. The last number of the 21st program in the new jello series, and we will be with you again next Sunday night at the same time. So be sure and listen in, folks. Jesse James will be our feature attraction. See, Mary, remind me to stop on a market on the way home. I want to get a can of sardines for Carmichael. One can for that big bear? Yes, and one sandwich out of it for me. Good night, folks. J.P. Salfelt ball. Kenny Baker appears on the jello program for the courtesy of Mervyn Leroy Productions. Included on today's program was Irving Berlin's We'll Never Know and It's All Yours from Stars in Your Eyes. This is the National Broadcasting Company.