 The Jack Benny program transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky Strike means time to back off richer tasting. Time to back off. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike. This is Don Wilson, friends. Why do you smoke cigarettes? Think it over a minute and you'll agree that you smoke simply to enjoy the taste of a cigarette. Sure, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And the fact of the matter is, Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's do taste better and for two important reasons. One, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Light, naturally mild, good tasting tobacco. Second, Lucky's are actually made better. Made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly. Yes, fine tobacco and a better made cigarette will give you better taste every single time. So if you go along that smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste, then be happy. Go Lucky. Because the fact of the matter is, Lucky's taste better. Get a carton of Lucky Strike and see for yourself. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike. Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Rochester dentist A. Bob Crosby and yours truly, Don Wolf. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight Jack Benny does another television show with his guest star, Bob Hope. But right now, we'd like to take you back to yesterday to the office of a prominent dentist. Sitting in the dentist chair, even as you and I, is our little star, Jack Benny. For heaven's sakes, Doctor, how much longer will you have to use that drill? I'm almost done, Mr. Benny. Thank goodness. All finished. Now let's slip them in your mouth and see how they fit. Okay. Say, isn't there some way you can make this removable bridge permanent? Well, I'm afraid not. Why? Don't you like removable bridges? Oh, they're all right, but sometimes I sneeze. You see, that comes loose. Well, we'll fix it next time. Say, I just read in one of the papers that Bob Hope is going to be your guest star on your TV show. That's right. You know, Bob is one of my patients. And so is Bing Crosby. Really? Yes, as a matter of fact, I had quite an unusual experience with Bing the last time he was here. What happened? I was drilling on one of his molars and struck oil. Now, let's see about your next appointment. How about two in the afternoon, June 14th? June... Oh, oh, I can't come on June 14th. Why not? Well, Doctor, have you any patients out in your waiting room waiting? Yes, quite a few. Good. Open the door, will you, to the waiting room? Well, all right. I can't come here on June 14th because that's the day I open my personal appearance tour at the State Fair Auditorium in Dallas, Texas. There's no sense wasting the plug, Doctor. One of your patients may be in Dallas at the time, you see. I'll call you when I get back. Okay. Goodbye, Mr. Benny. It'll be fun making a personal appearance in Dallas. See, from there, see, I go up north to Portland and Vancouver and Seattle. Then I'm going back to my hometown, Waukegan. I'm not making a personal appearance there, but they're having a testimonial in my honor. They're naming a sewer after me. It's supposed to be a subway, but the plumber hooked it up wrong. Gee, it's such a nice day, I think I'll walk home. So lovely, huh? Fairytales do come true. It can happen to you. If you're young at heart, dee-da-da-dum-boo, you can have a good time if you stay 39. And you're young at heart. I can go to extremes with impossible schemes. Think of Maryland, Monroe, though it's only in dreams. I'd like to hug and kiss her every single day unless de Maggio is there or on his way. Dee-da-dum. Gee, that's a great record that Frank Sinatra made of that song. Gee, I'll never forget the first time I heard Sinatra on a record. He looks so comfortable lying there between the grooves. Dee-da-dum. Dee-da-dum-dum. Gee, I've been walking fast. I'm almost to Beverly Hills. I'm glad I live here. Beverly Hills must be the classiest community in the whole world. Yep, there's the sign. You are now entering Beverly Hills. Gee, these rugs on the sidewalks are nice. I think Howard Hughes lives around here. Oh, yes, there's his house. His yard looks beautiful. It smells good, too. I wonder why it smells so. Oh, yes, now I remember. He waters his lawn with my sin. Gosh, Beverly Hills must have the classiest residential district in the whole... There goes the good humor man. I think that Beverly is so classy that... Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Huh? Oh, hello, Dennis. I was just over your house, but you weren't home. I know I was at my dentist. Gee, what a coincidence. Oh, were you at the dentist today? No, my optometrist. Oh, Dennis, are you getting eyeglasses? Yes, sir. Oh, are you nearsighted? No. Farsighted? No. Well, then you have a... A stigmatism? Yes. No. Why in the world are you getting glasses? Keep my mother from hitting me. You mean your mother's mad at you again? Uh-huh. What happened this time? Well, on one of my television programs, I'm supposed to be a magician, so I decided to practice up some magic tricks last week. What kind of trick were you practicing? Was it the famous one where you make an elephant disappear? Dennis, that trick takes years of practice. You can't make an elephant disappear. I know, and boy, it's our living room crowded. You have an elephant in your living room? Yeah, for six days. How can an elephant stay in a house that long? He brought his trunk. Come here a minute. Yes, sir. Dennis, don't ever pull such an old corny gag on me. I don't mind. Sure, now, what's going on here? There's nothing, officer, nothing. Now, don't tell me it's nothing. I saw you slap the lad. Yeah, and for no reason, all I did was tell him that an elephant has been living at my house for a week. Oh, oh, now, wait a minute. How in the world could an elephant stay in a house for a week? He brought his trunk. Shouldn't have slapped me. He's the one that said that. Oh, now come on, Dennis, let's go. You're always causing trouble. But do you want to hear the song I'm going to do on the program Sunday, Mr. Bennett? Not here on the street. Anyway, I want to give you some advice. Yes, sir. You apparently have so much time that you can walk around annoying people on the street. Why don't you try to better yourself? Well, what do you mean? Well, go to the library, get some books, read the newspapers and magazines. Find out what's going on in the world. I don't have to waste my time reading magazines and newspapers. Well, then how do you get information? I dial 113. But you said not on the street. I don't care what I said. I'd rather hear you sing than talk. Now go ahead. Yes, sir. Why do you leave it out in the hall? Yeah, it's quite a feature. I'll just because I'll answer the door. You get my lunch ready. Yes, sir. Hello, Jack. Oh, hello, Bob. Come on in. Bob, why didn't you call and let me know you... Wait a minute, Bob. Where'd you get that wonderful sunburn? Oh, the boys in the orchestra and I chartered a boat, and we all went fishing yesterday. Really? Sammy the drummer won the jackpot by landing the biggest fish. So I took a picture of it. Here, you want to take a look at it? Oh, isn't that cute? The fish is holding Sammy up. We're so cute with the spin around him. Yeah. You know, Bob, I guess it's hopeless, but I sure wish the boys in the band would settle down a little. Oh, they have, Jack. Why, in fact, Bagby, the piano player, has sworn off drinking. He's been on the wagon since last Saturday morning. Bagby on the wagon? What happened? Well, he was supposed to go over to Dennis' day's house because Dennis wanted to rehearse his song. Oh, and he wanted Charlie to accompany him on the piano. Mm-hmm. When he got over to Dennis's, he rang the bell and an elephant answered the door. Oh, yes, I know about that. An elephant's been living there for the past seven days. Wait a minute, now, Jack, you're kidding. Now, how in the world could an elephant live in a house for a week? Ask me that again, Bob. Well, ask you what? How could an elephant live in a house for a week? He brought his trunk. I ran into Dennis, too. Craft into these things. Why does it always have to happen to me? Once, just once. Coming, coming. Oh, my goodness. How did this ever escape from Dennis's? Oh, it's you, Don. What in the world are you talking about? Oh, nothing, nothing. Let's go in the living room. Bob Crosby is there. Oh, good. He'll want to watch it, too. Watch what? The sportsman quarteted during a guest shot on television. Oh, hi, Bob. Hello, Don. What time does this program go on? Oh, just a few minutes now. Where's your television set, Jack? Right here. It's the new Crosley. I'm trying it out on approval. You've had me that way for the last 20 years. Well, when you prove that you're good, I'll hire you. You know, sometimes... Achoo! Gesundheit, Jack. Don, when did you join the Elks? Those are mine! Don, that Dennis... Hold them in, Rochester. I want to watch something on television. Oh, there's a picture coming on now. Hey, it's nice and clear. Yeah, I'll turn up the sound. I know kissing. Don't want no gal to call me honey. Don't want my name in the Hall of Fame. Just want a big fat... Give me that almighty dollar. For that lettuce, hear me holler. Give me buckets full of duckets and let me walk around in Walla. In the zoom, I held an arrow. I want to be a millionaire. Give me money, money, money, money, money. I want that long green ammunition. That's the stuff for which I'm a-wishin'. Fill my closets with deposits. I'm a demon at addition. Give me shekels. Give me pesos. Let me see their spiraled facels. Give me money, money, money, money, money. I want to get me a suit that's made out of lute and whistle-aware and of the green. I've got that monetary hideous like to be just like King Midas. I want that golden touch is what I need. Give me that old double legal. Want a tender that is legal and financially, substantially, any sum I can and viggled. Want to live in regal splendor with love and legal tender. Give me money, money, money, money, money. And when the time comes for smokin', you will know that I'm not jokin' when I say there's really nothin' that can please me more than puffin' about that cigarette that's super. It's a regular super-duper. Give me luckies, luckies, luckies, luckies, luckies. I want a smoke I know is cleaner. That is kind for which I'm keener. Make it fresh and better-tastin'. And there's nothin' that I'll be wastin' so I've come to this conclusion Here's a lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky. I want a smooth cigarette. The best I can get. Tobacco that's always light and fine. The only smoke for which I'm carein' I've been tearin' and comparing. It's LSMFT I'm callin' mine. Give me that deep down smokin' pleasure. That's a treasure I can measure. Give me better-tastin' luckies. Let me smoke them at my leisure cause there's really nothin' finer than that smoke from Carolina. Give me luckies, luckies, luckies, luckies, luckies. Give me more. Jackson, if you'll break the seal on that new pack of luckies, we'll go on from here. I'm glad you let me know the boys were on. I thought you'd want to see them. Here's your lunch, Mr. Benny. Thanks. Yeah, it looks delicious. Oraches, you forgot something. Get me a napkin. I'm sorry, but I just washed them and they're not dry yet. Well, get me a paper napkin. They're not dry yet either. Say, Jack, we'll be off the air in a couple of weeks, and I wonder where you goin' on for your vacation this summer? Oh, I guess after I finish all my personal appearances, I'll probably go to Las Vegas for a couple of weeks. Oh, now, Jack, you wouldn't go back there after what happened last time. Look, Don, I don't want to hear about that. Why, what happened last time? Nothing, nothing happened. Nothing? Come on, Jack. Tell me what it's all about. Look, I'm not so... Look, you can forget it. I'm going to eat my lunch. Look, Bob, while he's eating his lunch, I'll tell you all about it. Oh. It was about four or five years ago, and Jack and I drove up to Las Vegas together. It was late in the afternoon when we drove up to the Flamingo Hotel. I'd already reserved my room by phone, but you know, Jack, he always leaves everything for the last minute. She's a beautiful lobby, isn't it, Don? Sure is. A lot of people here, too. Yeah. You wait here, Don. I'm going over and talk to the room clerk. This hotel really is... May I help you, sir? Yes, I'd like to get a room here. Well, it's quite an honor having you visit the hotel, Mr. Benny. Oh, you know who I am? Yes, yes, I saw you once in the movies. You did? Yes, you were sitting right next to me. Well, thank you. Now I'd like to get a room. Yes, sir, now let me see. Here's one, two fifty. Two fifty? Isn't that kind of expensive? Well, that's not the price. That's a room number. Oh, I see. It's on the second floor. Yes, sir. There's a beautifully decorated bedroom, magnificently furnished sitting room, luxurious dressing room and a huge entry hall. Well, that sounds nice. What's the rate on it? Sixteen dollars. Well, that I won't discuss at all. Now look, clerk, I've had a... Jack, what are you staring at? That cash register. I've never seen anything so beautiful. Well, that's a slot machine. A slot machine? Well, I've heard about them, but this is the first one I've ever seen. How do they work? Well, you put in a nickel and pull the handle, and if two cherries come up, you get five nickels back. Well, that's fair. And if three... and if three oranges come up, you get eleven nickels. Say, that's fine. Now, if three bells come up, you get eighteen nickels. No kidding. And if three bars come up, you get the jackpot. Well, that's sensational. But supposing I put my nickel in and none of those things you mentioned come up. Well, in that case, you lose your nickel. Well, that's ridiculous. A thing like that will never catch on. Believe me. Come on, Jack, let's go. Just a minute, Don. Now look, clerk, I'm willing to stay here if you'll lower the rates. Let me speak to the manager. Very well, he's right here. Mr. Benny, this is Mr. Schiller, the manager of the Flamingo. Oh, I'm pleased to meet you, Mr. Schiller. How do you do? Look, Mr. Schiller, I want to get a room and get some rest. I just drove all the way from Beverly Hills to Las Vegas. Well, Mr. Benny, if you'll give me the keys to your car, I'll have the Bell Boy Park. It's at Maxwell, right out in front. Oh, is that your car? Yes. Well, then we owe you an apology. We're using it to mow them on. Well, leave the grass in it. It'll make the seats softer. Now look, Mr. Schiller, I'm very anxious to stay at the Flamingo, but it seems that your clerk and I can't get together. He's so stubborn. Don't you have any less expensive rooms? Yes, we have some for $5 and some for $7. $5 and $7. Gee, I don't... I'm sorry, Mr. Benny, but there's nothing I can do for you. You see, I have no authority to change the rate. Well, there must be somebody I can talk to. Well, here's the general manager. Oh, Mr. Chappelle. Uh, yes? Do you mind talking to this gentleman? Why, not at all. How do you do? Uh, how do you do? I'm Jack Benny, star of stage, screen and radio. Oh, Jack Benny, certainly. I saw your last picture. Really? Did you like it? No. Have you ever heard me on radio? Yes. Oh, do you like me? No. Have you ever seen me on television? No. Good, good. Now look, Mr. Chappelle, the reason I wanted to see you is because Mr. Schiller is trying to tell me that the lowest rate you have here is $5 a day. Well, Mr. Benny, $5 a day for a room is very reasonable. $5 a day, but I intend to stay for about seven days. Well, I'm sure you'd enjoy staying at the Flamingo. It costs $6 million to build it. Well, what are they trying to do? Get it all back from me? Come on, Jack, I'm leaving. Everybody in the place is looking at it. Don, this won't take long. Look, Mr. Benny, I'm a very busy man. I've got a lot of things to do. I'll give you a room for $4. You're fated. I mean I'll take it. Well, here's your key, Mr. Benny. Thank you. Come on, Jack, let's go. Just a minute, Don. I have a nickel here. I'm going to put it in the slot machine. Yeah, I hope I win. Jack, you forgot to tip the bell boy who brought your bags in. You take care of it, Don. I haven't got any change. I will be back in a minute to tell you about my television show, which goes on tonight at 7 p.m. over the CBS network with my guest star, Bob Hope. But first, a word from the sweet heart of Lucky Strike. Hi, friends. This is Dorothy Collins. You know, I'll bet that if someone asked you why you smoked, what it was exactly you liked about a cigarette. I'll bet the important word in your answer would be taste. Because, gee, isn't good taste what everybody wants in a cigarette? Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And the fact of the matter is, Lucky's, there is, that's true. In the first place, L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Naturally mild, good tasting tobacco. And second, Lucky's are made better to taste better. Made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly. And that, friends, is the whole story. That's exactly why Lucky's taste better, because Lucky's are made with fine tobacco and because they're made better. Why don't you try a carton soon? Be happy. Go Lucky. How about it? Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky's strike means fine tobacco. Richer, tasting, fine tobacco. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky strike! Lucky strike! Ladies and gentlemen, as I mentioned before, tonight I'll be doing my last television show of the season. And my guest star will be that very fine comedian, star will be that very fine comedian, Bob Holt. Also Rochester, the sportsman quartet. And if there's room on the stage, we're going to put in Don Wilson. So we'll be seeing you soon. Good night, Holt. Jack Benny's show tonight was written by Milk Joseph Bird, John Packaberry, Hal Goldman, Hal Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Mark. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. This is the CBS Radio Network.