 What's up lovers and friends? Joined by my ultimate lover and my best friend and my husband and my life partner and my baby daddy. But he wasn't always these things. No, there was a time that he was a complete stranger to me and I wanna take you through that journey. I actually, we moved and I've refound the original cell phone that I had when we started to date back in 2015. I thought it would be interesting to reread some of our old text conversations. Don't just say I hate your screensaver. You hate, you hate this picture. I'll show y'all, I love this picture. This video is brought to you by our friend, Zofran Audible. Audible is the leading provider of spoken word entertainment. I mean, they probably do have spoken word but I'm meaning spoken word entertainment. They got everything from celebrities. Not like spoken word entertainment. No, not like that. She kissed her lips, I licked her hips. No, not like that. But they might have that actually. They have everything under the sun. They got celebrity memoirs, best sellers, new releases, motivation, anything that you wanna listen to, they probably got it. I'm listening right now to The Course of Love because I'm doing a book club with my sister next week. I'm also listening to 48 Laws of Power and I'm listening to All About Love by Bell Hooks. How do you listen to three at one time? You mix it up depending on your mood and if you are in the mood to learn and to elevate yourself through audio, you can go to audible.com slash shan booty or text shan booty to number 500-500. If you're in the US. To sign up for a 30 day free trial. One more game, tell them Jay. You can go to audible.com slash shan booty or if you're in the US, just text shan booty to 500-500. Now go check them out. As a disclaimer, Jared is the one who selected these texts. So let's see what you decided to tell the story of our love with. Jared says, how'd you get all them condoms? MTV sent them as a welcome basket of sorts. My mom was confused as well. Why were there so many laugh out loud? Why am I reading it this way? I should read it like how I used to say it. Okay, go. MTV sent them as a welcome basket of sorts. My mom was confused as well. There were so many laugh out loud. That's so telling how MTV moves in the industry. You gotta say that last bit. Ah. At the end of the day, our relationship began off of a mutual passion for sex. Yes, having sex. More or less. Yeah, no, definitely. I mean, I loved that for one that you were using condoms and that there was a part of your job and that you got them for free. Yeah. And then also just like, there's something alluring about that, like a woman that is into sex because I feel like women are so shamed around it where they can't bring up their kinks and they can't bring up, not that they can't, but it feels like every time a woman is talking about her sexuality, there's like a pressure from the world that's like, you're not supposed to say that out loud or you're not supposed to do that. So the reason that I was so attracted to you was because you were so open about it. It was a turn on for me. And it's interesting because prior to you, people would always ask me like, do you think you're ever gonna find somebody because what you do is so intimidating? And I always just knew that for the right person, it wasn't gonna be intimidating, it was gonna be alluring. And I never ever felt like you were trying to compete with me, like you were trying to out-sex me, which I've felt that energy off of other people before, or that you were threatened in any way by the fact that I knew a lot in this area and was comfortable sharing that information. Can I also just say actually, one of the coolest things about you was your passion for condoms. From you never, ever, ever, tried to be like, come on man, just a chip. What's the big deal? We're only having sex with each other, like never. You always brought condoms. You always made it a part of the sexual encounter in a cool way. We tried different condoms together, which was my first time doing that in a relationship where I knew that I liked the ribbed ones. And I discovered that through you because you used to bring over the pleasure pack all the time. I said, hey, JMB, this could be a me thing, but the energy between you and I over the last couple weeks has been kind of off. This is my first time attempting this kind of relationship with anyone and I'm always open to learn how to be better added to suit you. A high priority for me in what we have is fun and connection. Like I said, you really have nothing to lose with me and vice versa. So we can challenge ourselves to be as honest as possible. Grateful to have spent time with you. Hope you have a great day. What I wanted to note about this is that because this relationship had no stakes, which is fascinating because JD always says that it's important to put the intention up front so you know what you're working towards. But because you and me did not know what we were working towards, all I cared about was enjoying my time with you. And so if I ever had a little bit of like, ah, things feel weird, I don't enjoy this, or like, ah, I don't like the feeling of interacting with Jared, I just called you out on it. Because I wasn't like, you know, I gotta like put up with it because I'm trying to make this work for the long haul. I was like, if I'm not enjoying it in the moment, I'm gonna call attention to it and if it can't be addressed then it's time for us to part ways. No, you do that a lot often, you know, throughout our situationship or friends of benefits or whatever we had. I remember having multiple conversations throughout it as it progressed or whatever came up. If you had a feeling or something that you expected out of me and I didn't show up, there was always a conversation. As soon as it was feeling weird, we were like, hey, should we practice or should we keep this going? Yeah. Which I think we benefited from. I think so too. I actually remember one of the first times that I did that is early on in our communication, I think you text me because you had a day off. And at this time, mind you, you were working like 17 hour days, it was when that Trails Talk will first launch. So you were working many long days and consistently. So you had a day off and you were trying to see me but you were also like falling asleep all day. So you would hit me up in the morning like, hey, I'm off today. And I'm like, cool, what's up? What are you doing? There's like no response. And then you hit me in the day like, ah, just getting up, gonna get some lunch, go to the studio, hit me up afterwards or something like doing later. And then I wouldn't hear from you. And I remember hitting you up the next day like, hey, I don't ever want to communicate that way again. If you're busy on a day, just don't reach out to me. But I don't want you asking me what I'm doing. And then I tell you, and then there's no responses for hours on end. If you have the time to communicate with me, then communicate with me. If you don't, then don't. And that was my first time saying that. And I felt like, oh, he could get overwhelmed by this and think it's really pushy. But how did you receive that? I enjoyed it because I don't like communicating on the phone already. And I think I felt that I was obligated to, even when I was busy or whatever, maybe because of past or what I've been through with other women. I knew I was busy, but I'm gonna text her anyways, just so she feels like she's not being forgotten. So when he said that, I was like, cool, we're on the same page. We're good. This actually makes it easier for us. And it makes it easier for me because now I know if I have time, I will hit you. Yes. Which is great for me. And I'm sure it was great for you. I don't know if you like the style of constant communication. Oh no, I don't. I mean, I like fun and I like joy and I like ease. I don't like waiting. I don't like being left on red. I don't like being in suspense. And I was also acutely aware that those feelings would create an environment where I would fall for you faster. And I didn't want that. So when you start doing the whole casino thing, like sometimes I respond, sometimes I don't, like the inconsistent reward. And I was just like, no, I'd rather, if I'm not hearing from you all day, then I just assume that you're busy and that's fine. When you are free, you reach out. And if you're interested, then I know that you're reaching out for that reason. What I realized during that time was that confrontation was unavoidable. We are two different people with different lives, different needs, and we're on different paths sometimes. And so confrontation is going to happen, but the choice was, was I going to be confrontational to you in my head or was I going to give myself the benefit of actually expressing it out loud and seeing a change occur? I think in past relationships, I would be confrontational in my head until it exploded into a big confrontation with that person. With you, I was just like, something bugs me. I'm going to say it and we'll see what happens. Yeah, no, that, I mean, it worked. It worked for me. I don't know if it would work for everybody because I think sometimes people want to kind of decipher what they feel before they bring it out. But I think for us, it really did work. And it aided in managing my expectations in yours as well while we were developing. I think for me, it was just, it was very important to understand what you would tolerate and what you wouldn't. Which you made that very clear without it being like, if you're going to be like this, then don't see me. You know what I mean? It felt more conversational than it did confrontational. Yes. I don't like being low on sleep. You know what? I'm not okay. Like at all. And you can't help me. So I just need a lot of space. Mind you, I'm low on sleep and I've been bleeding all month and I'm infected and covered in bites and not rational and emotional and unstable and crying uncontrollably. And I'm sorry in advance. Have a good day and get well. That's not fair to me. Text me what you need and I'll drop it off. You didn't reply. Going to the store now. What is it that you need? Stop. I've been at the store. I do not like to create conflicts where they don't belong. So don't take this on, please. Just understand my state. And at the moment, I just need solutions. Understandably, you don't have any because you got your own shit. Take care of you. I mean that in a loving and accepting way. It is what it is. It's me who has to adjust. You know that the context of this conversation? You know, it's the bed bugs situation. So what basically happened is I was going through hell at the time. My immigration was running out at the time. I was really low on money. And then all of a sudden I got a bed bug infestation in my apartment. Not only that, I was allergic to the bites. So I got infected all over my body. My internet randomly went out at that time so I couldn't work either. So it was just like this really weird scenario that I was in where I couldn't sleep because whenever I fell asleep, I'd wake up covered in bites. I couldn't really work. I couldn't do anything. And I had called the exterminator and they couldn't come till Thursday. At the time this was on the weekend. So then Jared calls me up and was like, I'm so tired. I gotta go to work later. But I had the morning off. Like, do you want to just go and get muffins? I can't remember what you said. No, I said let's go on a hike. I remember. And then I was like, I can't go on a hike because I'm going through hell. But you can come over and help me through this. And then you were like, I kind of have work later. Yeah. And I was like, pah! I'm not hanging around no bono. That's a no-no. I never liked that. And at the time of my life, my life was bad bugs. But not literally bad bugs, but the hell that you were going through was 24-7 for me. So in my head I was like, okay. But it's also fair to say that isn't the responsibility that I feel is left on me given our relationship status. Yeah. But I do believe that that scenario made you really reassess and think I do want to be that person. Yeah, because it was like, you know what? Why not? I do actually like this person. I had put you in a box and I wouldn't let you climb out of that box. And it was like not making any sense at that point to not let you climb out of that box or not let the relationship unfold the way it should. Because I actually did care for you and I actually did care about your well-being. But I felt like just like sleeping over that was going to elevate the relationship and potentially in the relationship. Yeah, which is interesting because you did that a lot. You stopped us from progressing because you felt that the progress would mean the end. You did that all the way down to even moving in together. Where your immediate response was no. And then when I asked you why, you were like, I like what we have and I don't want it to end. This text came off of the telling of the tweet that you put out. What was that tweet? I said, I'm learning so much about love not being an arrows love. Our love isn't romantic. But do you love me? First of all, let me just say that that was a jump that I was not knowing that you were going to go there. Really? Yes. Cause I don't think arrows means love. I think it means romantic. It means, but I said, I'm learning so much about love not being in love. So then how would you not expect me to go to but do you love me? I get it, but I'm just saying it was. Were you caught off guard? Yeah, it was a jump. It was like, I was like, all right. And I had to think about it. Then my response was, yeah, I do. Enough to get jealous and not say anything. But you have all the say, I love you too. You matter more than anyone. I just didn't know anymore. When you say you're not an arrows love. So that's why I asked if we have romantic love or not. In many ways, you've made me feel like I'm not allowed to love you like that because that's not what you want. My relationship with you has been as much about feeling for you as it has been controlling how I feel for you. It hasn't been bad. It's been kind of an experiment for me, which because I'm part robot, I've been interested in in any ways. So know that conversations like these are important because I probably don't know. So backstory, when you tweeted arrows love, I had no idea what that was. I Googled it and then I saw that it was romantic love. And I was like, huh, I think that we have romantic love. What's actually interesting about this conversation, like I said here, our connection was as much about feeling for you as controlling and managing my feelings for you based on the status that we were in. It wasn't as if we had this, I love you conversation and everything changed. We actually didn't start saying, I love you to each other like consistently, probably until a few months after that. And it didn't change the style of our relationship. I think it just informed us that, okay, cool, like we're operating on the same page. And I think when I look back at what we shared, it goes to this advice that Dr. Berry, who's my favorite psychologist, said to me that healthy intimacy is about taking one step at a time, seeing if you feel comfortable, checking the other person and then deciding what to do from there. It's not about rapidly moving towards the finish line. It's like the slow enjoyment of progressing or maintaining with somebody. But I feel like most people are just like, I want love, I need love. What are your intentions? What do you wanna do? Are you trying to have kids? Are you trying to get married? People get into relationships and they write the finish before they really even begin. Or they get the beginning rush of feelings and they're like, oh, I know this is Disney. This is how this is gonna end. And so they start to really force everything in the middle. And they force this storyline on this person who was never really actually meant to that happily ever after. And with you, we wrote the story as we went. And I said that in the Jubilee video that I learned that very quickly with you and I that. I feel like a lot of people think they know the ending and anything in between that starts to send you off that course, you're like, mm-mm. Put it back on the track because you know what we're trying to do. Instead of letting somebody be a human and getting to know them as they're going and not falling in love with that potential of that ending. Falling in love with who they are right then. So anything that they do. Or falling out of love with who they are right then. Exactly. So that's what I'm saying. You release the chains at that moment. You release the chains that we're chained together because we both have the same goal. But just because we have the same goal doesn't mean we have to be together. Do you think it's valuable to listen to love stories knowing that you're never meant to duplicate anyone else's but to create your own? I think it is valuable because we as humans go through life learning from every human that you come in contact with in every other area of our life. We might run into somebody as a kid and see the way they dress and we're like cool, I wanna start dressing like that. You might see somebody, I've seen people change their laugh because they're like someone's laugh. You take little pieces from people that you run into. So why not do that same thing with the story of love? You take little pieces from our story. You take little pieces from another person's story. You take little pieces from everyone that works for you and you create the story that is meant for you. That's why I think it is valuable. What about you? I think it is valuable for the exact same thing. When I see people say like I hate couples goals or I don't pick relationship goals, not that you should make anybody your blueprint because again, you don't even know what your blueprint's gonna look like in the end. You're gonna be making that up as you go along but I do think you can take little bits that inspire you that you think would inform what a joy-filled connection would look like for you. So I do think there's value in filling up your world with love stories but I think that you should open yourself up to an array of stories that way you don't feel like you're on a track. You know that there's options for you and that there is no one way that leads to a perfect connection. It's to me about the enjoyment throughout and the authenticity and honesty of the partnership from the jump that makes something good or versus something that's not really designed to be modeled. Yeah. So that be said, if you wanna fill up your head with some love stories, you know who has some incredible love stories to tell? Audible. You knew that. If you haven't checked them out by now, I don't know what you're doing. Also, if you haven't listened to Shan's audio book, The Game of Desire, read by Shan, I don't know what you're doing. Right now, I'm actually re-listening to David Goggins. Are you really? Yes, I feel like whenever I start getting loose with my self-discipline, it is a great audio book to listen to, gives you that pump up that like nothing can hurt you. Get it together. You're being a whiny little bitch. Go work out. And so yeah, yeah. I think I'm gonna re-listen to The Art of Subduction too. I'm re-listening to The Course of Love right now because my sister is doing a book club on this and I love, this is, Elaine DeBond is one of my favorite philosophers and this is a fiction book but really it has a bunch of non-fiction lessons on love in it. So those are recommendations. If you are interested in any of them or any audio book of your choosing plus access to Audible Plus's originals. What's really double about Audible Plus is that like, if you're a member, when you're on Audible, you get one credit and you get one credit a month. You can use that on any book. When you use that on a book, it gets to stay in your library but in your Audible library, which is dope. But Audible Plus doesn't require any credit. You can download all day if you want. So that's the thing that's dope by Audible Plus. It's new, it just offered it. I think it makes Audible so much more worth it. If you're sold to get yourself a free trial which is not selling at all, if you wanna get some free shit, go to Audible.com slash Shambudy. If you live in the States, you can text the word Shambudy to the phone number 500-500 and that will give you the link to get your stink on. Again, it's Audible.com slash Shambudy or you can text Shambudy to the phone number 500-500.