 I'm a huge fan of 80s and 90s action films like con air, broken arrow, face off, demolition man, you name it. What I'm not a big fan of, muscle cars and Vin Diesel, but I'm going to be fucking impartial when I do this Expendables 3 vs Fast 6 review. Yes, that was an uncensored swear word, because this is a PG-13 episode of Movie Feuds. So we're allowed one f***, see? Newcomers a cluster f*** of actors in these movies with the expendable side of things playing closer to the senior citizens. Stallone reprises the role of himself leading this ragtag team of expendables through another adventure. Jason Statham returns as Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren as Dolph Lundgren and Terry Crews as Terry Crews. Newcomers to the franchise include Harrison Ford as Harrison Ford and Kelsey Grammer as, you guessed it, Kelsey Grammer. I'm not knocking the fact that these guys are essentially just playing all their action stars from the past, but you can tell some of them are trying a bit harder than the others, such as Antonio Banderas as Galgo and Wesley Snipes as Doc. We have a third wasted opportunity from Arnold Schwarzenegger, who at this point is just stumbling through scenes with a giant gun yelling lame phrases from his glory days such as, get to the chopper, no, get down, it's not the tumor. Okay, that one's not in there, but it should be. Then there's Jet Lee, who's in the movie for maybe 20 seconds and he doesn't throw a single punch. How do you get an expertly trained martial arts master of multiple different fighting styles into a film and not let him throw a goddamn kick? You don't give him a gun, you give him a ladder, you give him a hose, you give him something that's just totally ridiculous, that he can spin around his head 20 times, rotate, take out guys, jump off the back of shoulders, kick more guys in the face, use the hose, spin it around the neck, clip a guy over there, bring it back this way. I mean, come on, it's not hard. I just wrote you the script. That's a 10 minute fight sequence. Fuck. No. I'll get back to this cast, but I better talk about fast six before some random YouTuber comes by looking for Vin Diesel conversation and loses his fucking mind. The whole gang is back. Vin Diesel plays Vin Diesel. Dwayne Johnson reprises his role as badass CIA agent Dwayne Johnson. Ludacris plays a rapper turned actor. You see where this is going. And Paul Walker is back as well as Brian O'Connor. He does a nice job. Alright, look, I joke a lot on this show, but Paul Walker's death was just plain shitty. And if you're a fan of Fast and the Furious, it stings all the more. The lovely Jordana Brewster takes a backseat in this film until the final act, which is a bit of a drag. Yeah, car puns there for you motorists, for you gearheads. Those are terms, right? I'm not going to lie to you though. Love me some Michelle Rodriguez. She's a bit subdued, unfortunately. I like her over the top Rodriguez in your face with attitude. But the good news is she does rock a minimum of three beaters. So we can't forget Tyrese Gibson, Sung Kang, and Gail Gadot. I seriously can't believe she's going to be Wonder Woman. She's like 90 pounds soaking wet. There's a couple of UFC slash wrestling slash kickboxing slash whatever the hell you kids are into in these films. Two ladies, Gina Carino, In Furious, and Rhonda Russey. Or Rousey. I don't know how to say it. She's an expendables three. She's terrible. I mean, she's a kick-ass fighter. She could definitely beat the shit out of me, but her acting leaves a lot to be desired. Jean, on the other hand, fares a little better since she just usually nods and smiles and then, you know, kills a person. There are plenty of more expendable new class characters, but I just can't be bothered to say much more. Mel Gibson is definitely the better villain between the two franchises as the crazy warlord that has a bit of a torture porn vibe going for him. So in other words, Mel Gibson plays Mel Gibson. Luke Evans plays Shah, and he's a bad guy. That's really it. I have to go expendables in this category, but that's only for Banderas, Snipes, and Gibson. They do, however, get canceled out by Rodriguez and her three wife-beaters, so it's a tie. The crew is done. They're finished. They're out of the game. That is, until one more job, one final score falls on their lap. And there's an offer they can't refuse. And it comes with a price. A fallen comrade risen from the grave to seek revenge. What film am I talking about? Oh yes, both. There are, of course, nuances in the expendables and furious in the stories, but they really are both about tracking down a fallen teammate and getting justice for past actions. The appeal of watching my old action stars play dress up for one more hurrah is tired out. How about trying to make an actual good film now with a real script, real budget, and genuine care put in. These guys are called expendables, yet barely anyone dies or gets hurt. Terry Crews is in the movie for 15 minutes. What was he doing? Did he have other things going on? Give me something darker and something smarter and for f*** sake, give Stallone a Michael Bay's worth of budget. He's earned it. I was not a fan of Fast and the Furious one. There. Said it. The film looked like shit, like there was a layer of petroleum jelly over the top of everything. It was ugly. The acting was awful. The storyline was stupid as hell, and the action, frankly, wasn't that gripping. I didn't waste my time with the other films that followed, but I was told that it gets much better by the fourth installment. Heard there was more action and a bigger budget, and that tickled my dick just right. So calm down, Fast Hards, because I had fun with Six. It's really stupid, but it keeps things moving and interesting. Expendables moves quick too, but when I watch those, it feels like I'm just watching something cheap. It's like Ianetta McDonald's when there's a perfectly good Wendy's across the street. They both have very competitive pricing, but Wendy's has apple smoked bacon on their junior cheeseburgers. They have five-piece spicy chicken nuggets, or ten-piece if you're hungry. They have junior frosties. They have specialty burgers with the pretzel bun, and I'm off track again. We'll do food feuds sometime down the road. I'm giving this round to Fast Six because I thought they did more interesting and creative things with the script. Now let's Tokyo Drift into action and effects. Expendables 3 is a pretty big letdown in this department, especially since 2 was a major step up from the first. The creativity is lacking. The introductory prison break is a mess to watch, with ugly close-ups and shaky cam to mask the low-budget and shoddy effects. The whole franchise is starting to look like a Me Too Fast and Furious joint. I mentioned how the film looks like it's on the tight budget, where there are some great scenes worth mentioning as well, such as kick-ass hand-to-hand fights from Statham, Rusi, and Banderes. The motorcycle up the side of the building is the money shot of the flick, and there's of course the classic knife throw sprinkled in for good measure. And the big rivalry with Stallone and Gibson ready to throw down is a huge disappointment. It's a major letdown. I was expecting some rocky level shit, but I got Rocky V level shit. So it's uninspiring and short-lived. Which is also what I assume my tombstone will say. Fast and the Furious 6, Christ, there's six of these already, it has some incredible car chases. The whole movie just looks big budget, and that's half the battle for me. The highlight is the tank down the highway, complete with a Vin Diesel matrix jump to catch my girl Michelle on the other side. The final showdown inside and outside the airship is pretty intense too, and you can tell the special effects team blew their wad with that final plane explosion, and the results were spectacular. The expendables should easily win in this department, but just doesn't have the energy and enthusiasm that Fast and the Furious appears to have. Let's shift into a faster gear and talk music. I feel like I'm going to bring in a whole new audience to the show now with all this technical talk. Fun fact, only 15% of the Movie Feud's audience makes it this far into a review, and I don't give a shit about music in either of these movies. Even though Fast 6 is pretty much better in every single department, nostalgia will always triumph over muscle cars, so I pick expendables all day of the week. But I don't knock you for going Fast 6, it's a fun ride. So leave a comment, vote below, let me know your thoughts on these movies. More than just reviews, this is Movie Feuds. There's five people left watching right now. 5% by this point.