 My principle of the dual mothership in the narcissist's shirt fantasy says that the narcissist and His intimate partner or friend or colleague doesn't matter the narcissist and the partner in the shirt fantasy convert each other into maternal figures in the search for Unconditional love and acceptance. It's like having a second childhood a chance Getting things right finally having failed in the original challenge But wait a minute many of you asked me where is daddy in all this? Where's the father? What is the father's role? Well fathers of course are very important in personal development and growth But at a much later stage after age three years Mothers of the critical figures between zero and three years old When I say mother let it be clear It's anyone in the child's life in the infant's life anyone who fulfills a maternal role Anyone with the primary care giver and the primary object Could be a grand for grandmother could be a neighbor in the absence of a mother of a functioning mother When the mother is what what is called in psychology a dead mother absent selfish seek Instrumentalizing by rentifying abusive whatever when the mother is not there There's always another person very often another person who takes over the maternal role and that person is the mother I'm referring to The narcissist and his intimate partner try to find in each other this maternal figure in order to resolve conflicts of early childhood That remain open and this is known as repetition compulsion father comes into the picture much later Father is what is known as a Socialization agent father brings into the picture Society it's edicts its expectations its scripts its beliefs its values and its injunctions now Everyone has can have daddy issues men and women alike People with mental health disorders such as borderline personality disorder and people who are completely healthy Anyone and everyone can have daddy issues When a woman has daddy issues when she has unresolved unresolved conflicts or problems with her father She she is in six later in life when she becomes an adult she seeks care protection approval acceptance understanding support validation adoration attention worship She seeks someone to tell her what reality is known as reality testing and Unconditional love now we all are looking for these things, but women with daddy issues are Looking for these things in a man who is much older and resembles a father figure men with daddy issues are looking for believe it or not pampering safety guidance instruction discipline Regulation of sense of self-worth grandiosity and unconditional love these are the percent and tenants of daddy issues in both gender a Father who is dysfunctional who is remote who is called with distant who is rejecting dead father so to speak Affects the process of socialization Culturation and the regulation of anxiety A dead mother on the other hand Does not allow the the child to separate from her and to become an individual so these are two distinct classes of problems when the mother is problematic Disfunctional instrumentalizes the child treats the child as an extension. There's a problem with separation individuation the child has never become a Person and the child would go through life Seeking to recreate and reenact the relationship with his mother so as to allow himself to separate and to individuate hence the Repetitive patterns in relationships with narcissists idealization devaluation discard now when The father is the problem There will be an attempt to recreate a father figure who would stand in For society would bring the world into the person so in both cases We are this we are talking about situations where the father or the mother the original ones the biological ones have failed have failed to act as fathers or mothers and The opposite is also true when the child is pedestalized idolized pampered smothered when the child Experiences emotional incest when the relationship is disproportionately and inappropriately close With father or with mother All these induces the same outcomes now People with daddy issues can simultaneously have mommy issues Narcissists for example, they have mommy issues So they are looking to come they want to convert their intimate partners into mothers and then separate from these mothers newly found mothers, but many narcissists also have daddy issues and They would tend to be falling and people pleasing to a figure who is Authoritative and father like a vascular if you wish so that would go through life narcissists of this type compounded narcissists would go through life looking for both a maternal figure and a paternal figure Substitute mother and a substitute father do not conflate and confuse these issues. They're not the same Okay, she fun pun him and she fun pun not Fun pun not means bunnies like in playboy and today we're going to discuss daddy issues daddy's girl Mama's boy going back all the way to that ancient and wise Jew Sigmund Freud and his father Complex Yes, may come as a shock to you, but men can also have daddy issues Today we're going to describe the whole panoply of the psychodynamics the reasons behind the etiology and the types of behaviors that Characterize these kind of people who never had a good enough father to start with and just to make clear I am not referring in this video to those sweet little things known as sugar babes and They they're looking for sugar daddies. I'm also not referring to these industrious Gold diggers who mine for older men the way other people mine for Bitcoin So I am not in this video I'm not going to deal with women who target older men for their money There's a name for this kind of behavior and for this kind of profession and it is far outside the remit of a channel which deals with psychology So today we're going to discuss with the psychological phenomenon Non-erroneously as daddy's issues now daddy's issues daddy issues Men use this to slut shame women Men berate and demean and degrade women by telling them you have daddy issues The irony of course is the daddy issues are much more common among men than among women That's not me That's Zygmunt Freud who coined the phrase father complex But before we go that there's something very important to understand It's called self-splitting and a proposed splitting It's time to introduce myself to those of you who had not been traumatized by me in the near past My name is some back name. I'm the author of Malignant self-love Narcissism revisited. I'm also a professor of psychology and today I am blue In shirt if not in mood The thing to remember before we proceed is a phenomenon which I describe as self-splitting The woman with daddy issues the men with daddy issues they tend to split themselves But just to refresh your memory Splitting is a primitive defense mechanism It's a defense mechanism employed by toddlers and infants and that's why we say that it's an infantile defense mechanism splitting also known as dichotomous thinking simply means that People see the world in terms of black and white evil versus good all wrong all right Dividing the world into two opposing mutually exclusive camps is splitting When you do the same thing to yourself You are self-splitting So for example a typical Woman with a borderline personality disorder She would tend to describe herself Simultaneously as a whore and a princess a slot and a diamond She would then slice off the bad aspects of the self-perceived Bad and shameful aspects of her personality and behaviors and she would say that's not me That's when I'm drunk That's just a phase That's just a passing state of mind at the core I'm pure at the core. I'm an Adulterated at the core. I'm honest and sincere. Yes. I've cheated on all my boyfriends and husbands But there wasn't me Well, this is a process of self-splitting Men with daddy with daddy issues would do the same They would say I have high moral standards except when I'm confronted or I have anger issues, but except for this I'm a swell guy or I Usually behave this way except when I don't so it's like splitting yourself in two. I call it self-states People with daddy issues have self-states and notice that I'm not using the word women with daddy issues Because as I've said, it's common among men even more so than among women Back to Freud What else this guy has put his finger on every conceivable issue in psychology It's it's mind-boggling the genius of this man is mind-boggling He got many things wrong and consequently he's not being taught in the majority of universities in the West But he got so many things right One of the things he got right is what he called the father complex now The father complex preceded actually what later came to be known as the Oedipus complex the Oedipal complex The Oedipus complex is a young boy's attraction to his mother and feelings of competition with his father a Young boy as he matures evolves and so on falls in love with his mother He develops infatuation and limerence with his own mother the only female around and of course He competes for her with the only other male around the father and this is known as the Oedipal complex now There are no studies No experiments and not tests that had substantiated any of this But it's kind of tends to reason. It's plausible Freud initially focused on boys and he said boys had daddy issues and then he later tied it in With the Oedipal complex it was young actually Carl Jung his disciple and then his adversary Carl Jung had suggested that girls had the same problem. He called it the Electra complex He said that the girls develop a Competitive streak with their mothers they fall in love with their fathers and then they compete with the mother Exactly as a boy falls in love with his mother and competes with his father a girl falls in love with her father and competes with her mother and The Electra complex and the Oedipus complex lead to severe problems with fathers in both cases in Freud's theory of psychosexual development both the Oedipus and the Electra complex Arise between the ages of three and five years old in other words during the formative years and Again according to Freud if this issue is not resolved by the end of this stage of development But the end but by let's say H6 children become Fixated on the opposite parent sex. So and according to you young Girls do the same so both boys and girls Become fixated on the opposite sex parent and competitive and adversarial with the same sex parent And so and this is a lifelong This is a lifelong condition a mother fixation a mama's boy and a father fixation which leads to daddy issues and of course this Reflects upon later life adult Relationships now we do have studies. There's a small bibliography in the description to this video down down Description is down. Thank you very much So there is a small cohort of studies that had shown for example There is a strong correlation between promiscuity promiscuity and sexual recklessness in both women and men by the way When the father is absent or when the father is not good enough will discuss what kind of father and genders These responses later in life. We discuss it a bit later, but generally speaking when the father is not there emotionally and physically People both men and women tend to develop promiscuity and sexual recklessness feelings of inadequacy a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem and a quest to find father Substitutes later in life. Mind you the promiscuity and sexual recklessness more common among women and the lack of self-confidence then this the quest for validation and For substitute father figures, that's more common among women men What do women with daddy issues? What are they looking for? What do they want? They want care including financial care, which is why it's very easy to confuse women with daddy issues With gold diggers or sugar babes, but gold diggers and sugar babes don't have daddy issues They have money issues women with daddy issues Also seek money from older men But they do this because it's a sign of caring. It's a sign of love Money is a love substitute. So if the men gives them money, he loves them. He cares for them protection approval acceptance understanding Sack or support validation adoration attention worship All unconditional love. This is what women are looking for in older men women with daddy issues But it goes even deeper Women with daddy issues would usually use older men as a kind of reality testing They would adhere to the way the older men views the world and this creates cult like situations where the older men is the cult leader the younger woman with daddy issues is a cult follower or a cult member Men on the other hand men with daddy issues. They are looking to be pampered They're looking for safety. They're looking to regulate the sense of self-worth They are grandiose many of them are narcissistic and they're also looking for conditional love In both genders men and women There's one commonality one common denominator What I would call a dead father not dead, you know quotation marks not really dead physically Andrei Green in 1978 coined the phrase dead mother to describe a mother who is not good enough mother who is absent selfish depressive parentify instrumentalizing using provides conditional love love conditioned on performance Etc. Etc. This kind of absent selfish mother Is also insecure and doesn't allow the child to separate from her to set boundaries and to become an individual There was a dead mother Similarly, I think there is a dead father. It's a father who is absent father who is selfish Father who is a walkaholic preoccupied with other things a father who doesn't know to express emotions and love or Doesn't feel emotions in love a father with an insecure Attachment style father who is avoidant paranoid dismissive fearful a father who is antisocial Psychopathic or narcissistic a father who is merely grandiose a father who doesn't interact well Socially with his own children and with other people that would be a dead father and Such a dead father would affect the socialization process of his children the main Socialization agents a mother in the early years and father after age six Father teaches his children both male and female how to function in the world anything from gender roles to sexual scripts to social scripts to proper behavior sublimatory channels behaving in socially acceptable ways Suppressing impulses urges and drives Etc. Etc. This all comes from the father. He also teaches his children skills and talents anything from playing baseball to fixing The electricity so the father is a conveyor Everything that society has to offer and a father who is not good enough Does a bad job of this. He doesn't socialize his children properly and this gives rise to anxiety People who are socially inept for example autistic people narcissistic people. They are psychopathic people. They're highly anxious The dead mother Prevents the child from separating setting boundaries and becoming an individual The dead father the father who is absent the father who is selfish the father who is preoccupied This kind of father prevents the child from developing full-fledged object relations object relations and the ability to Gainfully interact with other people self-efficacy autonomy and agency The dead father and the dead mother create stilted Arrested development children similarly a mother or a father Who are disproportionately close to the child extremely close Who are incestuous Whether emotionally or let alone physically This kind of fathers and mothers have the same effect ironically So being too distant being too detached Being unattached has the same effect like being too close for comfort breaching the child's boundaries violating the child in every which way especially sexually or erotically with incestuous undertones or overt insist This complex of dead mother and dead father Shatters the core beliefs the narratives That the children have children with dead fathers and dead mothers They have difficulty To maintain stable core beliefs about their identity. This is called identity disturbance About who they are about this sense of self-worth Consequently they're unable to trust other people and they feel that they are not in control of their lives and actions They have an external locus of control Because they are so anxious Because they are so insecure They develop repetition compulsions the the children of dead fathers Approach and then avoid or they become Abusive abuse is a way to test the resilience and veracity of a relationship children of dead fathers Girls women with daddy issues and men with daddy issues or mama's boys They have insecure attachment styles They have an impaired Reality testing, but they also have what Bianca Rodriguez the licensed marriage and family therapist calls Intimate an impaired intimacy template. They don't know how to do intimacy to cut a long story short They're likely to have what I call an intimacy cloud They're likely to spread their intimacy among dozens of people and not to get really deeply intimate with any one of them Which leads of course to behaviors like extra dyadic or extra marital affairs Cheating betrayal of all sorts Switching between partners rapid switching rapid cycling between partners Recycling of partners and hovering etc. Etc. The intimacy cloud is very common among women with daddy issues and Men with daddy issues Amy Rollo Which is a psychotherapist and owner of the Heights Family Counseling in Houston, Texas Says that there are three tests as to whether you suffer from these issues one You are being anxious when you are not with your partner To you need lots of reassurance that their relationship is okay Repeated reassurance number three you see any negativity as a sign that the relationship is doomed This is known as catastrophizing so if we have a whole Panoply a whole gamut of Behaviors, which are actually very common in borderline personality disorder It is an open question Whether what we call daddy's issues Daddy issues. I'm sorry. Daddy's girl mama's boy Whether this is not actually borderline personality disorder disorder a form of emotional dysregulation Narcissism borderline They may be facets of one and the same thing We are beginning to believe the recent research shows that overt narcissists are probably primary psychopaths and The only true form of narcissism is compensatory What used to be called covert fragile shy or vulnerable narcissists now the covert narcissists Is not easy to distinguish or differentiate from the borderline? I have a video which deals with this and so I Think it's a safe bet to say that most women with daddy issues and many men with daddy issues are actually grandiose borderlines either outright borderlines or Covert borderlines in other words. It's a borderline. It's a borderline issue Which involves emotional dysregulation affect dysregulation problems in relationships recklessness problems in regulating empathy and acting out Decompensation and so on and so forth everything that we usually describe When we when we discuss borderline personality disorder similarly the dynamics of the relationship of women with daddy issues resembled very much The carpman drama Triangle the carpman drama triangle. There's a video on this channel dedicated to it But generally speaking it involves three people does the abuser the victim and the rescuer or fixer or saviour and They interchange they switch the roles. That's that's what most people and Self-styled experts online don't realize the roles are switched all the time The victim becomes an abuser the abuser becomes a saviour the saviour becomes an abuser and the saviour becomes a victim That's the carpman drama triangle is very very fluid and very dynamic and it characterizes the relationships of women and men with daddy issues again Tension to bordering on borderline personality disorder when Do women and men develop? Daddy issues What gives rise to daddy issues? What is the etiology of daddy issues? I've mentioned already unhealthy close bonds Some teenage girls would tell you that they are daddy's girl and it would tell you this proudly. This is a In important determinant of their identity. You ask them who they are and daddy's girl These are favored. They've been favored. They're the princesses Daddy took good care of them spoiled them and bribed them very often there's inappropriate behavior between daddy's girls and daddy and It could spill over into seriously unpleasant situations even illegal Situations such as insist But that's rare. What is much more common is an incestuous erotic overtone Parentifying the girl the girl becomes daddy's second wife or first wife and Colludes with daddy against mommy. Mommy is the bad guy Mommy is the cause for father's pain and hurt and depression and the girl takes it upon herself To parentify daddy or to become his spouse his real spouse It's an exceedingly unhealthy dynamic this type of close bonds These girls as I said are put on a pedestal They pampered spoiled the worship idolized their princesses and they Feel that they resemble their daddy's the most Compares compared to the other siblings. These are golden girls golden children and they're rewarded by daddy They emulate daddy the imitate daddy that was agree with daddy. They support daddy always Never mind what and daddy rewards them for this very often with material goods They are also they tend to be also physically attractive They are treated by their daddies as a date or a romantic partner This leads to severe mental emotional and sexual issues later in life If it escalates to actual sexual abuse, it's detrimental to the woman's ability to Maintain a healthy relationship healthy adult relationship with an intimate partner of the opposite sex So unhealthy close bonds is the first reason For first part of the etiology for daddy issues the opposite I mentioned before is equally true a Daddy who is not supportive who is not attentive who is distant and remote and detached Who doesn't pay attention any attention to his girl doesn't provide her with any feedback and Doesn't constitute a male role model She would then seek attention compulsively with other men in her life Trying to make up for the attention deficit in early life. There's no validation No suck or no help No holding no containment no hugs no emotional expression It's like the father has never been there is absent preoccupied detached away selfish centered and so The two situations Bonds which are too close bonds which are too distant both of them lead more or less to the same outcome a Compulsive pursuit of male attention and male gratification Especially with older males, which is a good definition of daddy issues sexual abuse is the most extreme for young children are vulnerable They are they trust their parents They don't have appropriate boundaries their parents the parents are the one who should set boundaries to start with And so some adults cross this line. It could be a parent Parent they could be a parental figure and a vascular uncle a neighborhood authority figure a teacher These are all in the child's mind perceived as father figures and so sexual abuse of minors, especially by men Creates extreme emotions Disregulated overwhelming emotions and children not the least of which are shame and guilt children, of course Cannot blame adults for for anything that happens because adults are godlike Adults are divine adults are infallible. They never commit mistakes children are dependent on adults They are dependent on adults for life for food for shelter They can't afford They can't afford to perceive adults in their lives as evil. It's too threatening. Such children tend to blame themselves They take on the responsibility for everything that happens a divorce or a sexual liaison Children want to love these parental or paternal actually figures Authority figures or real family members They they want to love them. They want to spend time with them. They want to play games with them They want sometimes to care for them or to want to be cared for But the pain of the abuse the violation of the boundaries the fear the disgust They're there. They're always there and they impair Impair and hamper any ability to interact properly with fathers figure father figures that carries on later into adult life When these women and men are unable to interact with older men in Appropriate ways and so they either sexualize the relationship with older men or they become Defiant and reactant and Consumatious they hate authority and they attack all the men or they try to imitate and emulate Older men and they lose their identity altogether. They become copies or clones of selected older men The self-blame the guilt the shame the trauma the neglect all these carry on into adult life Absentee dads Deadbeat that's that's but also emotionally absent that's That's or never around fathers who are Work shifts or work away fathers with left the family drug addicts alcoholics dads who are physically distant or Workaholics emotionally distant emotionally unavailable. They live the same wounds as well Because they create an insatiable need for validation and attention later in life validation and attention from older men Women and men with daddy issues compulsively sick a substitute father later in life Women offer sex to older men in order to gain the feeling of approval advice company To somehow compensate for the lack of physical and emotional intimacy that she had craved as a child and was denied So there's a trade an explicit trade-off here Women with daddy issues offer sex almost instantaneously to older men They know that sex is a hook they're gonna captivate the older men get him addicted and then it's gonna function as a father He's gonna care For the woman with daddy issues. You don't know he's gonna offer money. There's a love substitute He's gonna protect her. He's gonna be around all the time adoring her and worshipping. He's gonna pay her attention He's going to solve all her problems Magically there's magic in the air with an older man because it's a regression to early childhood And a second chance to have a father who this time might be a good enough father It is therefore very crucial to have the right kind of father or not at all And this is a point that I've made in another video on this channel when I discussed the rules of fathers Now father is necessary. Can fathers be good enough mothers? If the father is an absentee father if the father is an incestuous father If the father is a bribing father if the father parentifies his daughter or his son doesn't matter The wrong kind of father better off without a father Either you have the right kind of father or no father at all in both cases Psychodynamic psychological outcomes are good, but if you have the wrong type of father psychological outcomes are seriously bad There were there are many studies and I I'm referring to a few of them in the description. Oh, there are many studies That showed that there are fewer behavioral problems in children who spend time with fathers, but The missing part is it has to be the right kind of time It has to be quality time and precious few fathers if any Offer this kind of time if you have a father in your life and he offers you a lot of time But it's the wrong kind of time It's an invasive time It's a demeaning and degrading time. It's it's time for criticism it's time for control power plays and mind games and if it's a father who is Reluctantly with you because you know he has to be with you. It's like a chore This kind of father would have a detrimental effect on your personal development and growth throughout the lifespan There's no healthy dynamic in it with this kind of father. It increases negative behavioral problems If the father is physically abusive, which a large proportion of fathers are That compounds the problem There's evidence pretty conclusive evidence that daddy issues can traumatize adolescents Can lead to anxiety depression and social withdrawal, which is mistaken for social anxiety or social shyness adolescents also tend to mimic aggression and violent behavior, so an Anti-social father an aggressive criminalized or violent father would breed the same behavioral outcomes in his son The daughter on the other hand would try to gratify such a such a father and inadvertently with slide into overt Sexuality, she would try to use or leverage her sexuality to kind of pacify and Placate a violent or aggressive father These dynamics are very sick Spending a lot of time with father is not always ideal Quality time of the right kind with a healthy mentally healthy dad whose behaviors are functional and Proportional, this is the key Father's involvement in children's in development can negatively act actually impact his children and The sad and bad news is that most fathers are dead fathers wrong fathers because society Society had indoctrinated men For example, society tells you that prevailing culture tells you as a man. You should never show emotions Or you should suppress certain kinds of emotions. You should never cry You should always be strong. You should never show weakness and vulnerability You should not pamper or spoil your children in any way shape or form so better be harsh and deductic and disciplinarian tough love Societal and cultural edicts and brainwashing had have rendered Most men Totally dysfunctional as fathers. They fail to find the balance and so they damage the children much more Then they help them in this power matrix between fathers and children The children are always disadvantaged There's a power symmetry The father is stronger Monologable as access to more resources and can deny them to the child children with Daddy issues both men and women tend to become passive life long They adopt a victim stunts a Position of victim would in a skewed power matrix. They even push their partners to abuse them Reactive abuse they use projective identification to restore the comfort zone where father was all-powerful and they were Meek and helpless When a woman with daddy issues teams up with an older man, she tries to recreate this dynamic when a man with daddy issues and obeys his boss or admires a role model or Defies authority. He tends to recreate the same power matrix that had characterized his adolescence These issue these issues carry forward. They characterize the totality of one's life Possessiveness suspiciousness Jealousy and control these are the hallmarks of daddy issue Relationships on both sides by the way the older men usually suspects the younger woman of Manipulation or deceit He regards her as a sugar babe or a gold digger. It's in his mind. He can't get rid of this suspicion He also assumes that she's playing the field cheating on him So most older men in these dynamics become highly possessive suspicious Constricting and jealous. It's all about control the women on the other hand with daddy issues Who are in relationships with older men? They tend to interpret money-giving and Jealousy as forms of love if he's jealous and possessive. He must be serious about me He loves me if he gives me money. He cares about me He wants to protect me. He wants me to feel safe and happy. These are of course extremely sick foundations for Extremely sick relationships that have no future separation in security Also known as abandonment anxiety in men and women with daddy issues Leads to clinging Coercion Regulation and emotional blackmail. It is the woman with daddy issues Who would display co-dependent and borderline behaviors? She would become needy Clinging she would try to coerce the older men into specific behaviors For example giving up on on his job and staying only with her never traveling She would try to constrict his life She would usually Triangulate with other men to get a rise out of him to provoke him to jealousy and to reacquire or reclaim her And she would use emotional blackmail to obtain goods and services. This all leads to drama Women and men with daddy issues are drama queens and kings In this sense again, it's very akin to borderline personality disorder Drama is a tool. It's a way to avoid loneliness Facing oneself. It's a form of self-harming and self-trashing The older men in a relationship with either younger men or younger women Romantic or business wise Educational any type of relationship the older men becomes weaponized He becomes the equivalent of a razor or a cigarette Way to self-harm a way to self-trash Self-harming and self-trashing has two functions one to drown out Negative affectivity to drown out pain and hurt and fear and anxiety when you self-harm You have no time to focus on what you what you're feeling what your emotions are and so The second function of self-harming is to feel alive borderlines describe Self-mutilation cutting for example as a reviving experience Experiences makes the field alive or come alive and similarly when they cut They also don't feel the inner turmoil in tumult that they're usually exposed to when they are not self-mutilating teaming up with an older men either romantically Educationally business-wise as a guru as a cult leader you name it any any Emotional investment in an older men any catexes in an older man is the exact equivalent of cutting or self-mutilation It is not the way of nature It is teaming up with death Impending death is all the men die sooner. It's a fact of nature that's teaming up with death in order to feel alive and This need to be closer to death in order to feel alive is Because in early childhood with the wrong kind of father The only way to feel alive was to sacrifice yourself to deny yourself to break your own boundaries to cease to exist Which is good definition of dying I Fully agree with you Yeah, I mean I couldn't have said it better empaths and narcissists Absolutely deserve a job. I mean I visited forums of self-styled self-aggrandizing so-called empaths and trust me Narcissists have a lot to learn from them Narcissists have nothing on these people. I mean they are more abusive than any abuser abuser ever ever come across anyhow I'm trying to remedy the situation with my very limited viewership But I don't think it's working because empaths feels good. I mean it's more morally superior. It feels like You've been wrong. It's a victim stance and a very rewarding victim stance And there are many people who make a lot of money from the empath industry They sell them books. They they provide counseling. They even academics have been swept into this graze And contaminated and corrupted by money. So you have professors psychology and others who propagate this anyhow, listen, I I got to go I Have a video to make so thank you for the news and We'll be in touch. I call you I call you on Thursday. I'll call you tomorrow. Okay. Bye There you are. I've been looking for you all over the place So first of all, I owe you an apology the In one of my previous videos I mentioned the book laws of human nature which I regard As a manual on how to become a psychopath a successful psychopath The author is Robert Green not Brian Green. Brian Green is a physicist a respectable physicist Robert Green is the author of the of the book He also wrote the art of seduction and other how to be a psychopath and how to be a narcissist manuals And he calls himself the new Machiavellian is exceedingly proud of it Bizarre what people are proud of nowadays, but he is proud of this So here's the correction Robert Green not Brian Green and my humblest prostrate apologies to Brian Green who is a great physicist and Has popularized physics and science to a large extent. I've just been appointed as Editor in the editor program of academia dot edu Academy dot edu is the largest academic portal in the world with more than 110 million professors as members So I'm in the editor. I'm an editor now and in the editorial board of academia dot edu And of course it gratifies me a lot and I must say I love this pandemic. It's exactly what the doctor ordered Plus I've been wearing a mask all my life Hell Narcissist the narcissist is the mask. There's nothing there Take away the mask and there's no face. You know the horror movies where does this faceless entity? Walking the chorus Creeping across the corridors and about to get you. That's a narcissist. There's only the mask Masses is Applying for this pandemic because they've been they have been masks. They've not been wearing masks They have been masks all their lives, you know, of course that the world personality Comes from the Greek ancient Greek word persona, which means Mask Personality is a mask that we put forward There have been scholars like Jung and Govman who describe how we put on a mask when we interact with other people Difference between the narcissist and a healthy person is that a healthy person takes off the mask and then there's a person behind it and Narcissist takes off the mask and there's nothing there Okay, enough with his sophisticated Bladderdash today. We're gonna talk about Narcissist sex and other pretty titillating hits and pieces Narcissist sexualized intimacy. They have something called sexual over perception. Now mind you all men have sexual over perception men tend to misinterpret female behavior and Regarded as a sexual invitation So if a woman is nice to you if a woman is kind to you if a woman brings your gift for your birthday It means she wants to have sex with you. This is the male brain and it's called sexual over perception But Narcissist takes sexual over perception to a whole new level because they sexualize everything They sexualize intimacy as well today. I will try to deal with with a fraught question Why is the Narcissist's sexuality so distorted? His personality is distorted and disordered His conduct is problematic. It seems that there is a kind of Metastatic process that had invaded every dimension in his life, which is exactly what the diagnostic and statistical manual says But sex is a different domain and has a different etiology Many narcissists grow up in families with mixed signals You could have for example mother who is asexual and a father who is promiscuous or Exactly the opposite a father who is anti-sexual For example highly religious or highly traditional or highly conservative and a mother who is a bit on the promiscuous and Histrionic side so they are mixed. They're mixed signals when The child gets to seriously conflicting signals about sex the child can't make can't make up his mind Many many narcissists had received as children the message that sex is dirty and that all women are sluts At the same time mother was subtly incestuous She touched the child in appropriately maybe or she confided in the child Rendering the child an effective intimate partner so she parentified the child or She reacted to compliments and or insults even inadvertent as a lover would not as a mother should So she reacted as a as an equal partner to anything the child said in other words She the mother entered the role of a companion She abrogated she abrogated her duties and Her role and her functions as a mother in favor of maintaining an interaction with the child which is Ambiently and emotionally incestuous and sometimes crosses the border into physical incest Similarly the father and of course the roles can be reversed let it be clear the roles can be completely reversed the father could have this we usually with the daughter but For clarity and simplicity sake I'm using a typical mother and father So the father could be could be highly conservative as I said highly traditional and so he and he could broadcast to the child that sex is bad Sex is corrupting sex is dangerous sex is unhealthy and So then the child is caught in the vice of these mixed signals because his mother Sexualizes him and his father is warning him Against anything with a whiff of sex with the remotest hint or association of sex So how to interpret mother's behavior is she an enemy? Is she trying to corrupt is she trying to destroy is she trying to infect is she contagious? Is it a contagion is she a virus? Or his father wrong any father is wrong About this maybe he's wrong about many other things So it undermines the father's authority and infallibility and the child's the two pillars Of the child's existence Crumble it's like Samsung Samsung with the temple, you know the two pillars crumble the temple crumbles the whole edifice The old edifice buries the child like in an earthquake or an explosion It's a very very traumatic State of things because the child doesn't know who to trust and who to believe and who to adhere to and who to follow And so this kind of children grow up to be adults and They develop Peter Pan syndrome that they refuse to to accept adult chores and other Responsibilities and they become commitment commitment fobs. They're afraid of commitment. We know all this but a very important thing to realize that This kind of children can relate to a woman again You can exchange the pronouns when I say he you can when I say she you can think he when I say he you can think she But I don't want to encumber this video So I'm gonna use he and she woman and man. Okay Don't go all politically correct on me and don't crucify me the feminist alone. So or the migtails or the red pillars or Whatever your your insanity of the day is insanity digital so This kind of child can be with a woman in one of two weeks He can be with a woman as a child. In other words, he can refer he can relate to the woman as a substitute mother If the woman is a long time life partner she gradually acquires mothering functions nurturing functions or The narcissist forces upon her Cajoles her coerces her to behave like a mother to become maternal And so of course with a mother, it's inappropriate to have sex. It's incestuous or vertically incestuous So the relationship becomes gradually asexual sexless So this is the first form of interaction that a narcissist from home where he had received mixed signals From a family that was dysfunctional in the sense that he received conflicting messages Such a child will grow up to be an adult and he will have a sexless Sexless relationship with a maternal mother like long long term intimate or life partner or companion and the second way he can relate to women is a from as a promiscuous incestuous But very stern and disciplinarian father So the woman in this case would be a disposable slot to be sexually dispoined and verb but at the same time as He sexually disposed the woman as he as he treats her as a Dispensable object as He actually and acts incest with her because he is her father in his mind He has a paternal mindset At the same time he verbally abuses her and he verbally abuses her to discipline her For her own good. It's kind of tough love coupled with sex So to summarize When a child grows up in a mixed message home He he grows up to be an adult and then he relates to women in one of two weeks Sex as he has a sexless relationship with a mother figure Or he has an incestuous and promiscuous relationship with a slut And then he verbally disciplines and abuses her for her own good. So when he loves a woman As he had loved his mother as a long-term intimate partner He loves her as a child He renders himself asexual or sexless in order to avoid incest And when he desires a throwaway woman a disposable woman a tissue woman, I call them Exactly like his father Told him that sex is his father broadcast to him that you should have sex only with dirty women Sex is dirty. You should have sex with street women with dirty women With low life women with low esteemed women with trash That's the only woman worth having sex with because you can't defile her More than she is. She's already dirty. She's already contaminated So when he when he desires this kind of adult when he desires a throwaway woman He transforms himself into a stern disciplinary and father like his father had been He hates women This kind of adult he hates women. He fears women especially promiscuous women especially sexualized women especially self um histrionic women seductive women flirtatious women teasing women He hates these women and he's afraid of them. And so he sadistically Dispoils them corrupts them defiles them dismantles them dismembers them And abuses them in every way He pushes these women away often towards other men partly to reaffirm his view of women And for the other should to drop This fully anticipates this kind of woman is going to cheat on you. So why not? Why not get it over with right now? sometimes these narcissistic adults marry get married establish a family and a diet um with first type of woman So they have a maternal relationship sexless maternal relationship at home and they dilly-dally and she'll shally with wayward String promiscuous women outside home And sometimes it's exactly the opposite They're married They're married to a promiscuous woman A serial cheater Someone who would betray them Someone who would affirm and confirm their dim view of femininity passed on to them by father And outside the marriage of the diet They would form a relationship with a matronly maternal figure with whom usually they will not have sex But narcissists always have two sets of women in their lives maternal and promiscuous Narcissists don't fantasize about sex but about humiliating Trashing Dispoiling degrading and demeaning debasing derating the woman alone or with others Narcissism sexual sadists group sex and threesome The narcissists doesn't derive pleasure From the sex act that takes place in an orgy or in a threesome He derives a pleasure from observing Observing the way his woman, his wife, his spouse, his girlfriend Is rendered a whole A slut By her lear zone with another man When he watches The woman in his life having sex with another man In such a setting Not as a cacold. He doesn't derive pleasure. The cacold derives pleasure The narcissists pleasure The narcissists gratification and edification Is from the from the debasement Dispoiling demeaning and besmirching Of the woman how she renders herself a slut At his service given the opportunity in the consent Some narcissists sexually assault They become aggressive and violent They engage in BDSM Usually it's consensual because they're cowards But it can easily you know cross the line when the woman for example is drunk Conventional sex leads the narcissists to boredom And many narcissists develop erectile dysfunction If they engage when they engage in traditional conventional possibly missionary sex And again they use group sex to spice up their lives Their sex lives but not in a good way They introduce other partners into the sex life not in order to bond more closely with the woman But or but in order to to finally be able to regard her with full justification as a slut To humiliate the female You see narcissists to women is what a pedophile is to children a sadistic monster And so this creates In every relationship with the narcissist it creates divergent expectations Most women cannot reconcile true intimacy and love With the narcissist way of relating to them, especially sexually The narcissist sex Broadcast to the women You're an object You are something to to destroy to despoil to dismantle I'm going to have sadistic sex with you. I'm going to I'm going to hurt you via my sex I'm going to make you do disgusting things. I'm going to force you to act against your will against your values your convictions your wishes I'm going to overtake you. I'm going to dominate you. I'm going to render you I'm in I'm thinking slut. I'm going to Make you so submissive that you will vanish And this doesn't sit well, of course We true intimacy and love And so the women are confused then There's a preclusion The narcissist sex precludes intimacy and love But it doesn't start this way indeed in the first stage in the first phase Women usually indulge the narcissist sadistic sexuality at first When the attachment and when the bonding are minimal because at the beginning they're minimal Women say okay, what the heck? I'll give him what he wants I'll play along It's a role play It will pass As we get more intimate as we fall in love as we establish a home As we create a family make a family Things will change and he will settle down Or maybe if I if I were to gratify his fantasies, he would no longer need them He will have he will have kind of realized his dreams And now he will be able to move on and become a full-fledged adult With adult sexuality which includes reciprocity and intimacy So women women engage in what I call malignant optimism They they keep hoping against hope That the narcissist's initial expressed sexuality is an aberration. It's not the real him It's just you know Maybe an artifact of infatuation or because because the woman is new to him and he wants to experiment with the body They tell themselves women tell themselves all kinds of stories and invented narratives and they indulge a narcissist sexually They collaborate They play along whatever he asks them to do. They realize all his fantasies never mind how repulsive to them and how they are disgusted by or even Um, never mind how morally reprehensible they find some of the requests And of course this is the effect This acquiescence this submissiveness this compliance This is the effect of amplify And solidifying the narcissist's attachment and bonding The narcissist says wow, I found the love of my life. I found the woman of my life She does everything I asked her to do Whatever my wishes whatever my fantasies she realizes it. She never says no She's wonderful She's the one I've been waiting for and he gets very attached and bonded with her precisely because she's indulging him Now she is indulging him because she hopes he will change And he gets attached to her Because he hopes she will never change That leads to the second phase. The second phase is when the woman Gives up the ghost and she says Enough is enough, you know, it's been one year. It's been two years. It's been three years We've been playing all kinds of dirty games You know anything from water sports to three sons and I've had enough I want to have normal loving reciprocated intimate warm accepting sex. Finally I want him to tell me. I love you with this body I don't want this anymore. I don't want the objectifying cold Calculated schematic sex that he has in mind. I don't want to to become an object I don't want to be used all the time And I want to enjoy a bit, you know, not enjoying this So As the woman gets as the woman gets more attached and more bonded with the narcissist, of course time spent together Time spent together Tends to induce attachment and bonding the more times she spends with the narcissist The more she bonds bonds with him the more she gets attached to him because she sees his tender side His childlike side sides aspects The childlike aspects of his personality. She sees, you know, no one is 100 bad Sometimes there are good moments Sometimes there are tender moments and and she gets attached. She gets bonded especially because she wants To get attached and bonded. She's so lonely. She's waited for so long and he looks to be perfect He looks to be the perfect partner. Don't forget. It starts with love bombing with grooming. I mean, she's she's absolutely within A shared fantasy and a shared psychosis. She doesn't see reality. She doesn't see the world and above all, she doesn't see him She said she sees not him, but what he represents for her. She sees herself in him She likes the way he sees her And so she can't let go. It's addictive. It's absolutely addictive and she gets very attached and very bonded unusually. So actually But when she does She really really wants to be loved She really wants to be held She really wants to be understood and listened to She really wants her emotional needs to be catered to She wants empathy. She wants Warmth. She wants acceptance. She wants to see in his eyes the glint of love And so then in this second phase women demand to revert to conventional intimate adult sex to reciprocate They suddenly refuse to have the narcissist kind of sex Which is impersonal, objectifying, dehumanizing, sadistic They want to put a stop to it. Enough is enough. No more three sons No more water sports No more disgusting acts, you know, I want to have I want to make love not to have sex And so the second phase While in the first phase the woman indulges the narcissist In the second phase phase. She cuts off his kind of sex She no longer collaborates with his sexual fantasies and demands And this leads to stage three At this point the narcissist Is pissed off He feels deceived He feels furious Because for years or for months she had given him exactly what he wanted Every fantasy was hers. She shared is every king Is every predilection She agreed to be tied She agreed to be subjected to various physical acts Which are unmentionable, at least on YouTube And so suddenly she cuts it off That's unfair He feels that she had been manipulating him and deceiving him So he develops sex aversion or even erectile dysfunction He doesn't want her anymore. His body is rejecting her His mind is furious His body is becoming dysfunctional And he can't do it anymore. He doesn't have erection to cut a long story short The relationship is rendered increasingly more and more sexless Sexless and disintimate There is a vein of aggression, underlying aggression As the narcissist begins to digest the things are not going to be the same That she is an independent autonomous entity Person, a person with her own wishes and fears With her own preferences With her own predilections and her own proflivities And this separateness is very threatening to him because it implies abandonment anxiety And of course it's a vicious circle Because of this he withdraws As he withdraws Intimacy declines Sex seizes altogether and now she has an incentive She definitely has an incentive to find an alternative For example, to cheat on him The attachment and the bonding weaken Not only on her part, but on his part Because the narcissist begins to put distance between him and the woman He begins to realize that he's going to lose her That she's going to hurt him and abandon him and cheat on him So he begins to preemptively abandon her and reject her He says to himself, I'm going to reject her before she rejects me I'm going to abandon her before she even thinks of it She's going to cheat on me, I'm going to cheat on her It's a bit like borderline And by the way, I'm not the guy who suggested That borderline is failed narcissism That was a scholar by the name of Rothstein I'm just quoting him So narcissists have these borderline features Preemptive abandonment and so on and so forth And so when a sexual chill sets in Because the woman would no longer collaborate in his delirious wishes It is then that the narcissist begins to withdraw And he begins to regard the relationship as a chore And the woman as a nuisance Why? Because he's not getting his sexual needs and desires met That by the way is a totally normal reaction Everyone would react this way And then the stage 4 Cheating or breakup or both The narcissist is still attached and still bonded If there are enough maternal elements in the mix Even a promiscuous woman can be very maternal So it's always a mix Even a maternal woman can cheat There's always a mix But the level of maternal I mean, what's the percentage of maternal elements Determines the extent of attachment and bonding So at this stage, which is the last stage Stage 4 The narcissist is still attached He's still bonded He still refuses to let go Of the woman Of the expression of her maternal instincts She takes care of him He is loved in his mind unconditionally And he refuses to let the woman go free He refuses to set her free And it is at this stage that many narcissists become erotomanic stalkers Or very jealous Romantically jealous They begin to spy on their spouses They begin to micromanage In micro control of their spouse's existence and being They limit the freedoms that the hitherto had given their partners And so Stage 4 is a very conflicted stage There's attachment and bonding Abate They go down They go down on the part of the woman Because she feels that the narcissist's sexuality Signifies a lack of intimacy and a lack of true love Bonding and attachment abate with the narcissist Because if he is frustrated If he is aggressive If he is deceived When the woman refuses to cater to his sexual fantasies And so with both of them There's a reduction Reduction in phase 2 attachment and bonding It's not what it used to be The couple And many times They try to break up the narcissist and his woman They try to break up They agree on a period of separation Or they agree to an open marriage Or they effectively separate The narcissist upsends himself He becomes, I don't know, or alcoholic Or the woman starts to travel a lot Or go on separate vacations I mean there are attempts to somehow wind up the whole business But these attempts are not working Well, mainly As a narcissist is residually attached to the woman As a mother As a mother And what let go And similarly The woman is residually attached to the narcissist Owing to the paternal disciplinarian Strict and stern emanations And communications from the narcissist The woman has daddy issues The narcissist has mommy issues And they complement each other perfectly They cater to these missing parental figures in their lives And there's always the hope that this time is going to work This time is going to work Because mommy loves me And daddy just wants what's good for me Tough love is okay As long as it's love And so women stay And narcissists stay And they try again dysfunctionally And it only gets worse with time And of course some women are exploitative in the They remain in the relationship for financial reasons They render services But they are free Otherwise they behave as virtual singles They are free to cheat serially and indiscretly Or they triangulate ostentatiously Or they try to terminate their stalking By teaming up with other men or and so on But all in all Narcissists are forced to choose between Loveless sex with dispensable disposable women Or sexless love With true intimate partners and companions But these partners and companions are actually substitute Substitute mothers In both cases Loveless sex and sexless love The narcissist is likely to endure Mortifying betrayal It's a very sad situation The narcissist cannot exit from the matrix And the template of his childhood Nor can his woman, his wife, his spouse, his partner We are all, when we interact within romantic relationships We all hark back We all rely on these internalized templates And we can't truly get rid of them And there's no exception with the narcissist and his partner And the narcissist doesn't have really other options Because the narcissist doesn't have a healthy sex drive The most narcissists are not actually promiscuous And they're not actually addicted to sex Even somatic narcissists whose whole life is sex You know, they are sexual braggers They brag about how many sexual events It's actually not about sex, it's about conquest It's about narcissistic supply And so narcissists' relationship with sex is very confounded and problematic Most narcissists, I would say, if I had to generalize Most narcissists are actually asexual Even somatic narcissists That you do something that you engage in and act Doesn't mean that it reflects internal motivation or relevant psychodynamic The, it's very important, the etiology, the psychological reasoning is very important Why does the somatic narcissist, why is he so preoccupied with sex? He doesn't see the women he sleeps with He doesn't see them For him, there are sex dolls And if it's a woman, there, the men If it's a histrionic woman or a seductive, a flutatious The men are animated dildos The somatic narcissist masturbates with female bodies Watch the previous video that I posted today It's very relevant These narcissists reduce their sexual partners to body parts That's why narcissists are humongous consumers of pornography It's in pornography The participants are reduced to body parts And 40% of pornographic imagery in films Focus on body parts, not on the entire body or let alone personality The narcissists are asexual And so if you are a cerebral narcissist, you will use faithfulness as an excuse Why you're not sleeping with women I'm faithful to my life That's why I'm not interested in women They're intimidated They fear women They hate women They, they dread female sexuality And, and, of course, they are biological entities So they're also attracted There's always a conflict And so their solution, the solution of narcissists, both somatic and cerebral When they can't reconcile the physical biological attraction With their state of mind of hating women Fearing women, dreading women, female sexuality When they have to put these two together Their solution is sadistic despoiling They confuse sadistic despoiling with sex When children get a new toy Or a new radio, you know, at the time They dismantled it They wanted to see what's inside They broke it apart Narcissists do the same to women They dismantle them They want to see what makes them tick Where's the inner mechanism? You know, they despoil the woman They dismantle, dismember the woman They confuse and conflate sadistic Despoiling with sex Despoiling with sex But that's why sex with the narcissists Resembles rape psychologically It's about power, subjugation, hatred, fear and envy There's no trace of love or intimacy The narcissist reserves love and intimacy For other types of interactions within their relationship Even when the partner is loved And even when there is intimacy When the partner is intimate The narcissist would segregate, sequester, isolate The sexual aspect from everything else He could be, the narcissist could be loving And intimate and supportive And the most wonderful partner When it comes to other issues But when it comes to sex And true adult intimacy He is a child in the worst sense of the world Sex Excluding masturbation or despoiling kink Sex is a physical activity with attendant dimensions For the narcissist sex induces creates performance anxiety And so he has to relate in sex to another full-fledged organism And it makes him very anxious He is also always comparing himself with others It's very typical of a narcissist to ask the partner How many orgasms do I give you? Did you ever have this before? Am I not the best you ever had? So many narcissists finally settle on masturbation It's a fully controlled object You know, their own bodies And so with this fully controlled object They could have regulated, well-regulated sexuality And the poor narcissist Is not even really interested in casual sex You know, casual sex is a pressure valve It's an interim solution between regular partners And in this sense, it's very laudable I'm all for it I just regret that people think of casual sex as meaningless Because sex is never meaningless But casual sex, one night stand or whatever Is a great solution At least biologically and physiologically If not psychologically But it's a great solution when you don't have a partner But the narcissist is incapable even of this Even of this Why? Because casual sex first of all requires investment You have to invest Even if it's one hour Even if it's a few drinks You have to invest You have to pretend that you're interested in the pot You have to listen You have to talk a little You have to have some good time You know, casual sex doesn't happen in the air Unless you go to some sex club Or some impersonal setting Where actually everyone masturbates Using other people's bodies It's not sex But casual sex with a partner requires investment And the narcissist for the narcissist To invest in other people is wasteful He feels that his time is wasted His resources are wasted He feels that it's very unjust And it irritates him That he has to invest in other people Also, it's impossible with a casual sex partner To realize any kinky or humiliation fantasies Literally impossible I mean, of course You may come across accidentally One in a million sexual partner who are like you Or if you go to a specific club They're BDSM clubs and so on There you can pick up the appropriate partner But generally, on a typical rendezvous Of casual sex, when you go to a bar And you pick up a woman She's very unlikely to collaborate with you in your Basist Basist, most humiliating and degrading And dispoiling and demeaning fantasies Very unlikely So it's all gratifying And it causes narcissistic injury Causes narcissistic injury Because after the casual sex you are disposable The woman doesn't want to see you again Doesn't want to talk to you again It's humiliating So narcissists are not natural candidates for casual sex There's body, personality, sex, sexuality Are not satisfied They need to dominate the female They need to reduce the female to unthinking submission Brought on by unrequited and tantalizing craving They need to make the woman act in ways That she would find shameful, hurtful Denigrating and guilt-inducing And obviously none of these can be accomplished In a brief, almost anonymous encounter Grooming requires time, effort, careful planning And preparations, repeated exposure Regular relationship sex with a partner Requires intimacy and inordinate and wasteful investment Of resources, so it's also a problem The sole interest of analysis Lies in objectifying, humiliating, degrading And dispoiling the woman Sex is just one way of accomplishing this Sex is the physical equivalent, the bodily equivalent Of verbal abuse It's a form of abuse So as far as analysis is concerned Sex is just another mode of abuse He has no interest in sex Except when and if it lets him corrupt the woman Denigrate her, humiliate her Or use her body to masturbate with and then dump Otherwise sex totally fails to arouse the narcissist And so that's why sex withholding sex is another form of sexual sadism The aim is to frustrate and to hurt the woman By rejecting her, by humiliating her to the core And when the woman makes demands When she criticizes, disagrees Gives advice, gets too intimate, too comfy With the narcissist It destroys the sex drive Because it makes true sadism impossible And remember, narcissists are into sadism Not into sex Sadism requires unmitigated domination Sadism requires information, asymmetry And distance So making demands, talking, interacting Criticizing, arguing, knowing the narcissist Getting to know the narcissist Up close, humanizing the narcissist All these imply equivalence They imply equality And equality is the antidote to sadism You can't be sadistic with an equal partner And so this is stage four And some women immediately cut off the narcissist As a sexual partner Others cheat Others remain in the relationship But abandon the narcissist effectively with another man Others become service providers Business partners, roommates There are all kinds of arrangements Even open marriage sometimes is agreed All kinds of arrangements But in any case, whatever the arrangement is Attachment is gone, bonding is gone And the two parties are actually absent They're absent either physically or emotionally And typically both And women try everything before they reach stage four Some of them even try to spice up the sex life With group sex and so on I've seen women do women, not men Do absolutely everything In the narcissist's mind It is okay to foster expectations And then frustrate them It is okay to promise commitments And then not keep the promise It's okay to affect other people's lives irreversibly And irrevocably And then simply disappear And withdraw and ghost them Why it's okay? Because it is sadistic It is proof positive of the narcissist's power You see, she's after me She's talking me She's addicted to me But demands So this is expectation Demands, real intimacy They destroy the sadistic fantasy And they make sadistic practice impractical Many narcissists actually prefer sadistic supply To narcissistic supply They would sacrifice narcissistic supply If they can get sadistic supply Sadistic supply implies a much bigger power asymmetry You're more godlike You're more godlike when you have the power to hurt Anyone can love Anyone can, you know, but few people can truly cause pain God can cause pain God punishes So sadistic supply is of a higher grade Higher quality than narcissistic supply So you see many times Narcissist, for example, gives up sex A woman offers sex And he rejects her He wouldn't take the sex Even if he's attracted to the woman very much He desires her Craves her badly But he would still frustrate her Because not having sex with her Is sadistic supply Having sex with her Is run of the mill Narcissistic supply Slow grade High grade heroine Is sadistic supply And a woman to the narcissist is a figure An artifact, an object And again, this is very similar to the way that pedophiles Are attracted to immature children's bodies The woman's body is a fetish Watch the video I posted earlier today About fetishes and fetishism The entire human body is a fetish To be ruined, degraded, played with, toyed with Is mantle, soil, dispoil I mean, it's an object to be tossed around Bumped and bounced And the entire body becomes like a single object It's like a classic fetishist They admire, I mean, they are sexually attracted and aroused By body parts So classic fetishes would be around by feet Or by boobs Or by shoes Or by panties or bras The narcissist fetishizes The entire body of his partner The body becomes a fetish And the narcissist is sadistic Not only sexually, that's the problem He's also a psychological sadist So the sexual sadism is an echo It's a reflection and a resonance of much deeper Psychological trends and tides and rivers And streams You can't dissociate, disengage and disentangle the two When we are faced with a classical sexual sadist Many serial killers are actually sexual sadists Honeyball Lecter types Their sexual sadism is pretty segregated Pretty separate from their general psychological makeup And so the sexual sadism can be isolated and tackled With a narcissist is a much bigger problem And in this sense, by the way, Honeyball Lecter is a narcissist Because Honeyball Lecter is a psychological sadist He derives a huge amount of pleasure From the way, from the preparation For the sex, before the sex, from the foreplay So in the narcissist is a confluence of psychological sadism and sexual sadism How do you treat this? Withholding is a form of sadism Coercion and imposing are forms of sadism Taunting, tantalizing, teasing, frustrating All of these are forms of sadism And there are, and this sexual sadism limits the space of possible sexual partners When it comes to a lifelong partner or intimate partner The narcissist is promiscuous Anyone who can provide him with supply, with narcissistic supply Can become the narcissist intimate partner It is a myth, nonsensical myth That narcissists are attracted only to specific types of women Co-dependence, or this is total trash unsupported by research Narcissists are attracted to absolutely anyone And everyone who provide them with narcissistic supply Or has the potential to provide them with narcissistic supply That's why many narcissists end up with other narcissists in a couple But when it comes to sex It is true that there is type preference, this mate selection Narcissists react to two types of women in sex Women who are submissive and are already deeply in love Or irresistibly infatuated with the narcissist And these women require grooming to be brought to this stage But having been groomed These are, they become, they are rendered sexually attractive The second type of women, promiscuous, masochists This kind of women you can find in sex clubs, private networks, or even in bars It takes a lot of effort to find these women If you also insist on fulfilling your fantasies And there are huge risks involved, medical and personal So narcissists usually go for type one, not for type two They groom Women in casual sex, as I said before, would never agree to realize the narcissistic sexual fantasies Such women also demand equipotence, negotiated power symmetry They want to be gratified in sex They have demands So most narcissists actually avoid casual sex And one night stands It's very narcissistically injurious, it's unfulfilling And it provokes performance anxiety And finally the narcissist is discarded The woman doesn't want to have anything further to do with it So it's humiliation, it's perceived as rejection So narcissists look for number one A woman who can be groomed into infatuation Via massive sublimation That's the clinical term Problem is that a woman who can be groomed requires an intimate, committed relationship And the narcissist is not willing to embark on such a relationship Or truly provide it So he fakes He lies, simply False promises Pretensions of commitment And then it creates approach avoidance repetition compulsion He approaches Then he panics He avoids He runs away Comes back, runs away He's looking for an admirer A playmate A lover mother He wants a shared fantasy He's not looking for a wife He doesn't want to become a father He doesn't want to establish a family And he doesn't want to buy a home He deceives the woman He makes false promises, to the contrary In order to secure the three s's Sex, supply, services And yes, sometimes a narcissist will be as far as getting married to such a woman So as to secure her cooperation But then the marriage is a sham And so This is the Background The background to the narcissist sexuality Add to this the fact that the narcissist has no empathy And that the narcissist is amoral Has no morality In other words, the narcissist has not been socialized To internalize Moral and social Morays and addicts Edicts and so on The narcissist in other words Is not constrained He's not religious He's not moral He has no values And if he's psychopathic, he's merely goal-oriented Add these into the mix And narcissists become seriously dangerous Seriously dangerous Because what you see is not what you get All women, even extreme subs, submissive will Hate sadistic sex They're disgusted by it And all of them, ultimately, will want something deeper And so at some point The narcissist is going to be trapped by his own Promises and the expectations he had fostered And then they would project Would externalize his aggression And will punish the woman for rebinding him That is a liar There's no winning in this game You must understand this Do not think that anyone can teach you any strategy or technique No contact if you can It's painful, it's heartbreaking Better to be with a broken heart than with no heart at all The narcissist is a phantasm It's a phatomorgana, it's a mirage It's not there There's no water in the oasis And the palm tree that is growing is a figment Don't rush or the desert will swallow you Okay, it's time for another video about daddy issues From the daddy of the narcissistic abuse field Another video you say What has happened to the previous one? It's still on my YouTube channel And to save you the search Just go to the description and click on the link If you dare Today we are going to discuss what types of fathers produce narcissists There are 11 of them or 12 And these kinds of fathers come late into the play And yet have a profound impact On the way pathological narcissism evolves and manifests in later-day life in adulthood And I propose daddies and issues and narcissists My name is Sam Vaknin and I'm the author of Malignant Self-Love Narcissism Revisited I'm a former visiting professor of psychology And currently on the Faculty of Sea Ups Daddy, here I come First to clarify something Pathological narcissism forms in the first 36 months of life The child inborn infant develops primary narcissism And then when the child's developmental trajectory is thwarted and obstructed The child is unable to separate from the mother and individuate When I say mother, maternal figure Anyone who fulfills the caregiving functions of a mother It could be a male, but the maternal figure When the child is unable to separate from the maternal figure And thus become an individual It disrupts the constellation, integration and formation These are big words of the self So, a child becomes selfless without a functional ego And this gives rise to pathological narcissism To learn more about this process, I encourage you to watch the videos In the playlist titled From Child to Narcissist on this channel But it's important to emphasise That the first 36 months of life are the breeding ground For pathological narcissism later on throughout the lifespan And during this period of 36 months The towering, dominant, almost exclusive figure is the mother Again, when I say mother, it doesn't have to be biological mother It doesn't have to be the mother of origin Anyone who fulfills the role of a mother could be a grandmother Could even be a father Anyone who fulfills the maternal role The mother is critical during this period So the formation of pathological narcissism is entirely up to the mother Period There is no father there Father comes much later Father's role, father's contribution, father's psychodynamics Father's molding of the child They come much later, usually ages four onwards Northwards, four, six, nine, etc The father of course is a crucial figure But not when it comes to the emergence of pathological narcissism That's the domain, the unfortunate domain of the mother The dead mother, metaphorically speaking Again, watch the videos on from child to narcissists playlist So what does the father do? What's the contribution of the father to pathological narcissism? How does the father's presence, role, actions, decisions, choices, temperament, character and personality How do all these affect the trajectory of pathological narcissism in the child? Well, the father has a profound impact On the way pathological narcissism manifests On the way the pathological narcissists Expresses his or her pathological narcissism as a child We're going to see, we're going to discuss this in a minute So when the father comes on the scene, when the father enters the scene, when the father starts to contribute To the psychological development of the child To the evolution of the child's skills, capability, to social capability, and so on and so forth The father already finds a ready-made finished product The child is already imbued or infected with, if you wish, pathological narcissism A bad mother, a mother who is not good enough A dead mother to use the phrase, a metaphorical phrase Of Andre Green, this kind of mother gives rise To a narcissistically pathological, a child with a narcissistic pathology And then the father enters the scene The father starts to socialize the child The father introduces the child to various behavioral scripts The child, the father helps the child to acquire skills And so on and so forth But at that stage it's too late The child is already clinically speaking A pathological narcissist All the tools, all the capacities, all the skills That the father conveys to the child Become instruments at the service of pathological narcissism There's nothing the father can do about this So fathers, mothers create pathological narcissists Fathers teach pathological narcissists How to leverage, amplify their pathological narcissism How to manifest and express their pathology This is the division of labor, the unfortunate division of labor Now there is a variety of fathers who would amplify, magnify, legitimize pathological narcissism Fathers who would push the child to become even more narcissistic than he or she is Fathers who would create an ambience, an environment within which pathological narcissism flourishes Or an environment where pathological narcissism is the only way to survive A survival strategy, a form of self-efficacy The child expresses his agency or her agency through pathological narcissism In the relationship with the father These kinds of fathers, and we're going to discuss all these, all the varieties, all the subspecies and variants of dysfunctional fathers These kinds of fathers collude with the child And in a way embellish the child's narcissistic tendencies, style, personality and disorder pathology They become integrated, these fathers become integrated Into the narcissistic narrative They become inextricable collaborators In other words, the fathers form a shared fantasy with the child Within which the father figure becomes a source of emulation This is known as modelling in social learning theory The child begins to imitate the dysfunctional or seek mentally ill father The child then becomes more and more enmeshed with the father To the point that the child suspends his or her own identity And adopts the identity of the father, which is a great way to describe a shared fantasy So what types of fathers enhance the child's pathological narcissism rather than suppress it? What kinds of fathers legitimize the narcissistic pathology rather than frown upon it? What types of fathers create an environment where pathological narcissism flourishes Rather than an ambience that inhibits pathological narcissism What kind of fathers teach the child to become asocial or antisocial Rather than prosocial, communal, sublimated and empathic What kinds of fathers, in other words, continue the work of the dead mother Of the mother who is not good enough in Winnicott's term As I said, there is a variety and we start with the dead father The dead father could be a collapsed something, a collapsed narcissist, a collapsed histrionic, a collapsed borderline, a collapsed paranoid Someone who has gone through a collapse, a psychopath, someone who has gone through a collapse Someone who has failed in life Someone who has tried very hard and then endured defeat on a regular basis Someone who has been frustrated and thwarted Someone who is constantly faced with losses A loser, in other words, someone who is inadequate, a collapsed person That's the first type of father within the dead father category You could also, another type of father is the narcissistic, self-centered, egotistical father The absent father, neglectful, ignores the child, pretends the child doesn't exist Regards the child as a nuisance or an annoyance Fends the child's attention away Pinalizes the child if the child dares to demand attention or to insist In a variety of ways, some of them dysfunctional by temper tantrums This kind of father is frustrating It could be a depressive father So all these types of fathers, the collapse, the narcissistic, the absent, the neglectful, the frustrating, the depressive, all these types of fathers are actually dead fathers They are unable to carry the paternal functions They are unable to perform That are unable to provide the child with a path forward To engender a trajectory of evolution and development in the child Of growth through experience These kind of fathers actually creating the child A deep yearning, a fear of abandonment known as separation insecurity And encourage the child to cling, to become needy, which is the codependent solution Or to delusionally withdraw into fantasy, which is the narcissistic solution Where the child becomes their own father They aggrandize the false self And the false self becomes essentially a parental figure, mainly a paternal figure So this is the dead father Another type of father which fosters narcissism in the child Or continues to enhance the child's nascent narcissism Is the shameful father The child is ashamed of the father Because the father is a failure, a loser, a daydreamer, a fantasist Someone, everyone mocks and ridicules, criticizes, a criminal, etc When the child is ashamed of the father This shame resonates with the child's own shame You remember that pathological narcissism is a compensatory reaction to shame Because the shame is overpowering, disregulating, overwhelming The child rejects emotions and rejects reality Reality is a constant reminder of the shame And emotions come entangled with, fused with, shame The child is unable to experience emotions without experiencing shame And the child is unable to function in reality without being reminded of his or her shame Narcissism is a defense against shame And when the child is ashamed of his or her father This shame resonates, this external shame resonates with the internal shame And creates a perfect storm, a firestorm, which consumes the child Then in order to extricate himself or herself from this firestorm The child transmogrifies, changes itself, shapeshifts Into the invulnerable, invincible, godlike, perfect narcissist that he becomes later So being ashamed of your father is the pathway to compensatory narcissism It's another element, another figment of reality Which the child has to reject Because these emotions of shame are life-threatening And not only overwhelming but life-threatening So we have encountered, encountered the dead, dysfunctional father And the shameful father The next type of father, which eggs on narcissism, promotes narcissism in the child Is the intermittent father It's a father who engages in splitting I'm all good, you my child, you're all bad Some hate, hate and love, hot and cold Come hither, go thither It's, this is the intermittent father The father that is not predictable, that is not reliable, that is not rock solid That is not stable, in other words, a father that is not a secure base Although clinically speaking a secure base is only the mother I think fathers can and do serve as secure bases It's time to revise the theory But this kind of father, a father who cannot be relied on To be, to function in a stable predictable manner Can never serve as a secure base And this creates in the child approach avoidance Which reflect the father's own intermittency The father's own approach avoidance This approach avoidance cycles feed on and off each other And encourage the narcissistic child To develop an insecure attachment style This also challenges the child's sense of self-worth It becomes, the sense of self-worth becomes labile Fluctuating in a way dysregulated if you wish The signaling, the father's signals Amixed, the messaging is unclear, ambiguous And the child is hard at work trying to decode and decipher The father's intentions, moods, wishes, demands And usually the child fails And this constant failure, the father's constant displeasure Visible ostentatious disappointment in the child The father's approach and then avoidance Which signal to the child that he is a bad object Something in the child is wrong The child is inadequate somehow The child is not attractive and not lovable All this undermines the child's ability To regulate his or her sense of self-worth This kind of child resorts to the outside Resorts to other people in order to regulate He is in her internal environment This kind of child doesn't have innate mechanisms For self-stabilization The child in this case is not a secure base to himself or to herself The child then outsources regulation This is known as external regulation Outsources regulation to other people And then based on the feedback from other people From the input from other people known in narcissism as narcissistic supply The child then is able to somehow generate a kaleidoscopic Hive-mind picture of itself and regulate itself somehow At least in the short term And all this comes from the maternal end The paternal absence later on in life But I by Paula so to speak father Father who is never one person Kind of multiple personality father It's very difficult to generate The child is unable to generate a fixed picture Of the father and of himself or herself in relation to the father The next type of father who brings out narcissistic tendencies And dimensions of personality in the child Is the antisocial entitled father This is a father whose consummations rejects authority Is defined in your face See if I care kind of father Antisocial rejects society Its mores its rules laws anything men made This kind of father feels entitled to special treatment To accomplishments which are in commensurate with the father's Investment or commitment hard study hard work This kind of father is usually also lazy or indolent expecting everything to fall into his lap Effortlessly So this kind of father is a bit psychopathic And the child via the process of modeling Imitates and emulates the father The child learns that society is a bad thing Rather than socialize the child to become a useful member of society Rather than a culturally the child introduce a child to the dominant culture Rather than inculcating the child Scripts behavioral scripts social scripts sexual scripts This kind of fathers teach the child that society is the enemy The adversary how to get him the world is hostile It's a jungle and that the only path forward is by force Power guarantees survival goal orientation is the way to go Gradually these kinds of fathers the antisocial entitled fathers Convert the child from a budding narcissist into a malignant narcissist A combination of psychopathy sadism and narcissism The next type of father who is likely to breed a narcissist is the fantasy prone father That's a father who is rejected reality Usually because of failure constant repeated regular failure This kind of father prefers to live in a daydream in a fantasy In a paracosm in a virtual reality in a world of his own making And he drags his child into this world into this fantasy The child become becomes the father's number one fan Support a colluder collaborator and so the child is introduced into a shared fantasy With the father and they thrive within the shared fantasy As long as the child is obedient and submissive And the father is dominant and infallible never wrong When this kind when this kind of child grows up He learns that fantasy is far preferable to reality And that the only way to interact with people is via a shared fantasy He also learns that it is legitimate to coerce people To force them to cajole them to become part a part of the shared fantasy He knows no other way of interacting with people All the interpersonal relationships of this kind of child Who has had a fantasy prone father All these interpersonal relationships are nothing but make belief Pretensions movies theta plays theta productions Next is the harsh critical and rejecting father So father who is impossible to please You can never do right You are always as a child inadequate and worthy A loser and a failure The child is unable to develop even a modicum Of sense of self-worth self-esteem and self-confidence Because the father won't allow it The father competes with the child for scarce narcissistic supply The father is always more always better Better accomplished A bigger victim Whatever the child may come up with as a self-identity The father is always more always been there before always done it before The child can never impress the father The child can never elicit the father's gratification and satisfaction Let alone gratitude The father becomes an external harsh critic An externalised sadistic superego Always putting the child down humiliating degrading demeaning chastising castigating Harsh critical rejecting This kind of child already exposed to a dead mother Already in the throes of emerging pathological narcissism This kind of child becomes a covert narcissist Maybe an inverted narcissist which is a subtype of covert narcissists A people-pleaser, a codependent, clinging a needy Emotionally blackmailing controlling from the bottom It's a form of narcissism of course So this is the outcome of a harsh critical rejecting father This kind of child is also very likely to become emotionally dysregulated And suicidal, suicidal ideation Very closely aligned, very closely aligned to the harsh critical rejecting father is the unjust sadistic father What's the difference? The harsh critical unrelenting disappointed always rejecting father Believes that he loves the child He believes that this is a form of tough love Is doing all this for the child's sake He is criticizing the child in order for the child to attain and accomplish more He is rejecting the child because the child needs to learn about loss and rejection about life as it is He is critical of the child because he is truthful This is all about tough love The unjust sadistic father doesn't bother to pretend He enjoys inflicting pain on the child Torturing the child, taunting and tormenting the child He enjoys injustice, inflicting injustice on the child He enjoys totally confounding the child By providing the child with the wrong type of input When the child is nice, the child is punished When the child approaches the father, he is rejected When the child is evil, the child is rewarded And so on and so forth The rewards or reinforcements are incommensurate with the child's actions and speech acts So this kind of father creates mayhem and chaos within the child He does not allow the child to develop what we call an internal working model A theory of mind about what makes other people tick He does not allow the child to adopt social norms and mores as guiding lights He does not allow the child to sublimate, to convert internal drives and urges into socially acceptable actions and manifestations He doesn't allow the child to function And he enjoys the child's egodistony, discomfort, agony, anguish and pain This kind of father creates psychopathic narcissists The dysregulated father is a father who is probably a borderline but not necessarily We find dysregulation in other mental health disorders such as for example bipolar disorders Paranoid personality disorder, schizotypal personality disorder and so on The dysregulated father is unable to control his emotions His moods, his moods and thereby his emotions overwhelming, threatening to drown the father And the father reacts by acting out, by decompensating, by losing it, by crazy making In this type of environment the child is busy most of the time Trying to make sense of what's happening and on the other hand, parenting the father Somehow ameliorating and mitigating the father's distress The child assumes responsibility for the father's evident despair, depression, anxiety and misbehavior The child feels that he is guilty or she is guilty somehow for what's happening Or at the very least responsible and that she has the power, this is magical thinking She has the power to re-regulate the father, to restore the father's peace of mind, inner peace And happiness, to put a smile on the father's face These are the parentified narcissists, the narcissists who play the role of a mother A maternal figure in the shared fantasy The next type of father is the incestuous father The incest could be ambient, could be emotional And could be physical, of course, in extreme cases Now incest and childhood sexual abuse, CSA, they usually result in borderline personality disorder Or in extreme cases of rape and so on, in dissociative identity disorder It is extremely rare for CSA to lead to narcissism And that's precisely why therapies that are more or less effective in managing some behavioral aspects of narcissism Therapies such as schema therapy or transactional analysis or my own cold therapy They are rarely, if ever, in the case of cold therapy, never used in childhood In people with childhood sexual abuse background These people are likely to have a borderline personality organization And therapies that involve, for example, retraumatization The Foa Nozak therapy, the Sam Vaknen cold therapy These therapies are dangerous to such people So people with childhood sexual abuse are contraindicated in retraumatization therapies And in certain types of therapies that are very, that are efficacious With, as I said, some aspects of narcissism And so the incestuous father converts the child's nascent, emerging pathological narcissism Into a borderline variant Into a dissociative variant This kind of father, the incestuous father pushes the child to become a borderline Or someone with the equivalent of multiple personality disorder There are many variants, so it's DD and so on And therefore the incestuous father falls out of the remit of this video He is excluded from this video because it leads to other mental health issues Which overshadow the original pathological narcissism Although they retain some aspects of that early stage narcissism They retain, for example, the grandiosity element The parentifying father is a father who is ostentatiously conspicuously overtly helpless Self-sacrificial, needy, clinging Demanding, emotionally black-making And forces the child to fulfill parental functions, to take care of the father As if the father were the child and the child were the father It's an inversion of roles, it's wrong reversal And it has profound effects on the child This gives rise to a type of narcissism that is unencastic Narcissism that is concerned with perfectionism With rules, with obsessive-compulsive elements With rigidity, narcissism that is hyper-moralistic This would be a pro-social or communal narcissism Who would statistically subject his flock, his followers, and so on and so forth To all kinds of demands which are inflexible and set them up for failure The parentifying father generates a narcissist who feels deep inside that he is never good enough Because what child can fulfill the parental role successfully? No one, no child can do this The child keeps failing, the father's expectations keep being frustrated Visibly frustrated, the father becomes aggressive And so the child feels that he always has to cater to other people's needs Somehow he's always short of the mark, always a failure And to compensate for this The child turned narcissism becomes rigid, moralizing, demanding, perfectionistic And punitive, punishes people, up to the point of becoming a sadist actually The next type of father is the instrumentalizing father It is a father who uses the child to realize the father's unfulfilled dreams and wishes A father who instrumentalizes the child in order to obtain narcissistic supply A father who flaunts the child, brags about the child A father who uses the child as a badge of honor There's a process of co-idealization This kind of father idealizes the child at least in the eyes of others And at the same time idealizes himself, it is my child If my child is perfect, this means that I'm a perfect parent If my child is successful, that means my genes are superior So this is self-aggrandizement through the child's agency The father uses the child to garner supply The same way one would use a statue symbol, a flashy car, or an amazing smartphone The child becomes not a source of narcissistic supply, but a trigger for narcissistic supply Now the same father could idolize the child, idealize the child, and pedestalize the child When he interacts with other people And at home humiliate the child, berate the child, criticize the child Harsely impinge on the child's boundaries Reach and frustrate the child's expectations, reject the child So the child learns about intermittent reinforcement The child is exposed to two conflicting messages The father tells everyone that the child is perfect While treating the child is a lot less than perfect As imperfect to the point of shame and frustration And the child cannot form a cohesive sense of identity When father tells the neighbor that I'm perfect, is this the truth? And when father tells me that I'm a hopeless loser and failure, a bad object and worthy of love Unlovable, is this the truth? What is the truth? Because the child has these two constant streams of information Which are conflicting, mutually exclusive and contradictory The child cannot put the two of them together Modeling is disrupted and the child's identity never coalesces Never gets integrated or constellated And this is a child who grows up to have an identity disturbance A major feature, especially in borderline personality disorder But also in narcissism The pedestalizing father, in any case, is clearly isolate the child The child from reality The child becomes an object The child is objectified Child is not allowed to interact with peers Not allowed to be exposed to failure and loss Whenever the child misbehaves The father justifies the child Teaches the child that it's okay to misbehave That this is normative This kind of child develops an impaired reality testing Cognitive distortions including grandiosity And antisocial psychopathic behavior And finally there's the submissive, codependent Covert or inverted father Inverted narcissist father Covert narcissist father It's a kind of father who is passive aggressive Who is always pivish Who is always self-deprecating But in a humiliating manner Self-humiliating manner And as I said, submissive and codependent This kind of father broadcasts to the child That the only way to prevail or to survive In an interpersonal relationship Is to act as a doormat To give in, to succumb, to accept And the child adopts this As a manipulative Machiavellian strategy It's known as control from the bottom It is narcissism, make no mistake about it This is what's known as covert narcissism Usually when the mother is dominant Yet dysfunctional Mother who is dominant and narcissistic Dominant and borderline Dominant and absent Dominant and hateful and rejecting Etc When the mother is dominant And the father is submissive Obedient, codependent And reasonable Kind of a ridiculous caricature Of a man and of a father When this contrast When the child is faced with this contrast The child learns that There are only two models in the world Either you suspend yourself Your needs, your wishes, your dreams, your priorities You un-become They become someone else's extension Catering to the needs of someone else All the time in return for Subverted, covert control That's one solution That's the father modelling the father Or modelling the mother In which case the child becomes Rapacious, irruptive Overt, grandiose Psychopathic, often Antisocial narcissists So in a household Where the father is Recessive, submissive And the mother is dominant And both of them are dysfunction The child grows up To be either of these two solutions Both of them are narcissistic One is a covert solution One is an overt, in-your-face Psychopathic solution As you see The father's contribution is not small Nor is it minimal The father does not contribute to the formation Of pathological narcissism The father is not the reason The child adopts a narcissistic solution To trauma and abuse The father is not the cause of Shall we say the emergence Of the narcissistic personality Or the false self The father comes into the game Enters the scene much later than this And finds the finished product A child who is already a narcissist But then it is up to the father To somehow redirect this kind of child A narcissistic child It's up to the father to determine How the child's narcissism Would manifest in adulthood, in later life It's up to the father to somehow ameliorate And mitigate the narcissism Or redirect it in socially acceptable ways It's up to the father not to exacerbate The condition and make it much worse Drive it towards psychopathy, for example It's up to the father to provide regulation Stability A secondary secure base It's up to the father to provide a model For emulation, become a role model The father can do so much To prevent the initial infestation With pathological narcissism This functional solution to trauma and abuse The father can do so much to limit it To render the child a much more functional And happier individual later in life To allow the child to experiment With separation and individuation Without hurting itself or others In adulthood It's all up to the father Because the father is the main agent of socialization And is skilling And yet fathers who are as mentally disturbed As their children Are not up to the task These are dead fathers Collapsed Narcissistic Absent Neglectful Frustrating Depressive Inadequate fathers Shameful fathers Shameful fathers Failures Losers Intermittent fathers When gauging splitting Approach avoidance Bipolar Antisocial fathers Entitled fathers Fantasy prone fathers Daydreaming fathers Harsh Critical Rejecting fathers Unjust Sadistic fathers Disregulated fathers Insectuous fathers Parentifying and instrumentalizing fathers Pedestalizing fathers Idolizing fathers Submissive Co-dependent fathers Who are essentially covert narcissists All these type of fathers Are going to make the child's narcissism Much much worse A child who is born to a family Where the mother is a dead mother And the father is Any of these types that I've just mentioned Is doomed