 Hi and welcome to Dear to Dream. This is Debbie Daschinger and very excited to have you here today We're going to be having a conversation about love sex and relationships. Sorry. We're not delivering Just a joke because those are some of my favorite subjects And I really love them because they're kind of edgy when we talk to the right person and I have the right person here today I myself am a visibility expert out into the world I do media and specifically I help you write a page-turner book take that book to a guaranteed International bestseller and also learn how to be interviewed how to get results and how to be exquisite on your own Don't even need a publicist if you do it, right? So entrepreneurs love those kind of programs I'm in the middle of teaching the ultimate visibility formula Loving my class loving the people who come and how hard they're willing to work to get where they want to go and Dear to Dream is basically the number one transformation conversation on podcast We've been out here for 12 years award-winning syndicated And as always it is a pleasure to engage with you and hear your feedback on the shows So today is no exception and I want to first thank my sponsor Dr. Dane here H-e-r and access consciousness For supporting and sponsoring the show they deliver energy healing products and Workshops all around the world so pretty much anywhere their books are in your language and their workshops are in your town Check them out. Dr. Dane here comm as well as access consciousness comm So today I've got the amazing doctor Laura Berman here She is the world's leading expert in sex love and relationships And she's going to talk to us about how to reach your full potential in these subjects She earned two master's degrees and a PhD degree from New York University She helps individuals and couples to love and be loved and In addition to her clinical practice, Dr. Berman is the award-winning host of the nationally syndicated show Uncovered radio with dr. Laura Berman She's been honored with a Gracie award, which I know about that's amazing for best-talk radio host and Recently was named one of radio inks most influential women in radio. That's awesome. Congratulations Dr. Berman is also a best-selling New York Times author of eight books and hosted several television shows including owns in The bedroom with dr. Laura Berman the dr. Laura Berman show and Sexual healing on showtime Dr. Berman is a regular expert on love and relationships on TV and has written media and is on the advisory board of the Dr. Oz show you can find out more all about her and her books and her workshops at dr. Laura Berman dot com Dr. Laura welcome to the show. Thanks. I'm so glad to be with you Me too, you know, I met you at your house Suspicious and a few minutes of our beginning conversation You said things so cutting-edge and I thought this woman is a pistol I cannot wait to have that kind of conversation with you because it seems you're willing to go there Oh, yeah, I'm totally willing to go there and I really stink at small talk So that's well, you know, I really have a hard time with it So I just go straight there with people, which is why and also I could tell you would go straight there I think we literally like had just met and we were going all the way Going all the way in and it's amazing to speaking of going all the way in you just wrote a book called quantum love Which is interesting because quantum is speaking about particles and love is this is taking things on a whole new level I love to talk a little bit about your new book Yeah, I'm so you know, this is I've written nine books and this is by far my most personal and my most favorite Didn't ever expect to write it that this would be the subject that I wrote on And I kind of stumbled upon it during as we often do necessity You know as the mother of invention I stumbled upon it when I was in a really dark the concepts when I was in a really dark period in my own life and As with everything ever, you know my whole mom my home mantra in my life and when I try to teach other people About our difficult times is you know, you heal you learn you teach. That's what life is about You know, especially for me. He'll learn teach you'll learn teacher Maybe he'll learn help or he'll learn aid or you know fill in your blank, right? but I so that's how I came upon the whole field of quantum physics and Trying to kind of heal myself and then I realized because for me everything is about sex and everything is about relationships I immediately started playing with it myself and my own relationships with my kids and with my husband the things I was learning because I like to kind of systematize things and And then when I and then when I was amazed it was started happening there Then I put together a system for my couples I treat and then that's what led to quantum love So quantum love is really about applying the basic principles of quantum physics Which is the science behind what we know of as the law of attraction or the secret or things like that but applying the principles of quantum physics specifically to your relationship whether you're in a relationship or whether you're looking for love Because the bottom line is what most people, you know, don't realize and I know you understand this Debbie is that Our bodies are just pure energy even though they seem solid and we're emitting an energy You know it holds an energetic frequency that is unique to us. That's constantly shifting and changing But we're all affecting each other's frequencies. We're like human tuning forks that are constantly matching each other So when all of us are in a room together, we're kind of all finding the happy medium unless one of us is holding her frequency and Most of us don't understand that and it's so easy to do and so what I got into and started teaching people is how can you Change and move with your body's frequency using your thoughts and beliefs Which is what sets your energetic frequency to create the love life and the relationship and the sex life you want and it's like it's been mind-blowing to me because for someone who's been a therapist for 25 years to be able to do couples therapy with one person now is Kind of amazing because once you change what's going on inside you everything else starts to change as well For that. Yeah, 100% this is matrix stuff Right, so you're at the core of whatever is going on in the moment This changes all the threads that go out into the world Completely change and I love that idea that you can deal with one person and Their worlds and relationships and I remember the epiphany I had I kind of was like whoa because I've been playing with this and playing with my body's energy and noticing what it felt like to be in what I You know ended up calling home frequency, which is a very natural place. It's sort of when you're in that Higher frequency place, which is going to create more of what you want in your life Versus more of ego frequency. I call it where you're in those lower frequencies of despair Anger resentment hopelessness Frustration guilt shame, you know, those are all the lower frequency emotions versus optimism hope joy love you know Excitement right so I was playing with this and I was talking to my husband and he was upset with me about something It wasn't a major deal, but he was mad at me and you know up until that point even though I would of course counsel my couples Otherwise I I'm as my husband often says I don't always practice what I preach So I was listening to him complain about whatever it was that I'd supposedly done I don't remember what the details were and and I was listening to respond Which is what most you know, many of us do who are a little defensive, right? So I'm listening to him thinking I didn't say that You know and I'm getting my response already, which was my normal pattern like what is he what how why is he Excuse me because I didn't mean that and that didn't really happen like that You know how we do that So I suddenly stopped and I was like wait a minute. You've been playing with this What would happen if you moved into you know home frequency now? You move and you just didn't say anything like because I do experiments on him all the time He has no idea. He's like my guinea pig So I move into home frequency move my body into that frequency and I can show you at some point during this Conversation an easy way to do that And then I was thinking you know as I did that you often match it with thoughts, so I'm thinking okay Here's this guy. Yeah, I'm pissed off at him He's being kind of an ass right now, but I you know I love him I can see this as a blip and the whole trajectory of our relationship, you know, and I wasn't changing my face I was still sitting there perfectly still listening, but instead of listening to respond I was moving my body into a different frequency now the interesting thing about my husband and really the reason one of the main reasons I fell in love with him is that he's so freaking smart But it's so frustrating Because I am used to being able to run circles around the men in my life up into that point and I you know by the end of the Conversation they were apologizing to me for something I had done to them But this one will not let me manipulate him to save my life, which I love and hate at the same time and He also I see even though he's not a lawyer could probably argue in the Supreme Court because he's just so good at that But this is what happened is we're having this conversation He's telling me and I'm now moving myself into home frequency and all of a sudden this man who this never happens to Loses his train of thought He just kind of looks at me and his whole body Relaxes and he sits down next to me and the whole energy between us changes and I rest my head on his shoulder We start having like the actual conversation that we probably should have had and then I was thinking okay now This is interesting and that's why I call it a Jedi mind trick for your relationship because as a woman with Three boys and a husband all of who are extremely high maintenance and have their own opinions and you know Wouldn't necessarily listen to my words at all Whatever I want it lines up for me when I move myself into that frequency Wow Yeah, so I do want to go there. I want to say that I had Something happen recently and I want to explore that because it's akin to what you're saying, but I'm clear what you're saying is Really deeper. I I have had a recurring something something with my boyfriend And it's you know on some level it's all never that important, but on some level it is And right it just sort of doesn't get resolved and so it's frustrating because I just want to be heard and Then I received news one night very recently that somebody in my circle of best friends has cancer again It's not good news. Yeah, so I immediately felt Yeah, I don't know how much longer I have her which broadened out into wow What am I doing? This is my love relationship and it keeps going to this place When he called me the next time I was a thousand percent in my heart and I picked up the phone instead of saying hello I said I love you And he immediately shifted right? Yes, and so did our relationship Yes, so I have some experience of what's possible. We're all doing that We just don't usually don't realize we're doing it You know consistently at exactly because the key is what happens when something else comes up And you just fit in this beautiful suit and then all sudden bang you're back into that situation. It's a little contentious Yeah, tell me about this Jedi way The shift so the other person responds well that you mentioned You know we just alluded to the key the key is in this is a natural place for us to go Physically and emotionally it is not a familiar place because we are born in this way And it gets conditioned out of us even with the best of childhoods Which let's face that most of us haven't had the best of childhoods in one way or another right and Even if you had a great childhood you you know it gets tamped down it gets controlled You know don't be so loud don't be so joyful, you know Mental health experts call it your upper limit, you know that kind of when you got too excited or too joyful Right like you would so that's the best case scenario versus abuse and trauma and neglect and all the other things But it is an innate to us this ability and so what I started figuring out is how it feels differently in my body To be in home frequency versus ego frequency and I'll take you on a little guided thing in a minute to show you But just to kind of illuminate how this works is that you know, it is not we I also get into In quantum love, you know all the different ways to shift because what you alluded to is like, you know, what we call what Michael's singer I don't know if you've ever spoken to him, but yeah, I love him so much. He talks about The thorns right he I love that idea of a thorn You know when you talk when you were kid and touched a cactus like we all did at some point At least most of us did I did you know you pull all the thorns out that you can see but then later on you Touch something and it hurts. There are those microscopic thorns that you can't see and You know, we are all covered in emotional thorns So when we have this kind of triggered reaction to someone it's because one of those thorns are being touched, right? So yeah, you move into home frequency You're in this yummy soup as you say and then guaranteed you're gonna get triggered again Guaranteed like all the time it's happening all the time So if you can just stay in home frequency 51% of the time your entire life will change if you can start noticing when you're moving in out of home frequency And get back into it sooner your whole life will change and if you move into home frequency and match it with the energy of your Intention, let's say you're gonna have it difficult conversation with your partner or you're going on a date or you're even stepping into an important meeting When you match the energy this is the place where the secret often goes wrong for people You can write yourself a check for a million dollars But a million dollars is not going to show up unless your energetic frequency is that of a person who already has a million dollars and That is the secret behind the secret your energetic frequency has to match your intention and so I start one of the best ways that I have to teach us. I'll take you through it now if you want And everyone you know listening and watching can do it too Although obviously not if you're driving because you need to close your eyes But you know if you just kind of close your eyes which helps you sort of ground and grounding is super important I suggest doing this all the time especially for someone like me who's rarely in her body So you take some deep breaths and you imagine as you breathe in whatever light whatever color Appeals to you right now flowing in through the top of your head and Flowing through all of your cells and as you breathe out it goes out your tailbone deep deep deep into the earth and spreading out like roots of a tree and Like a tree your roots your grounding should be double the width of your branches reach Right. So if you're going to be speaking on a world stage You're going to want to root again and again really wide if you're going to have an intimate dinner with your partner You root a little differently, right? But taking a couple of breaths like that because we are energetic electrical beings. We want to ground our energy and Then after you've taken some deep breaths and grounded yourself This is the easiest way to show you how it feels Imagine think of a time in your life. Just the first thing that occurs to you. There's no wrong answer when you felt unadulterated unequivocal joy Unconditional love unconditional excitement and acceptance. Maybe it was when you walk down the aisle or kissed your beloved for the first time or held your baby for the first time or finish that big race whatever comes to mind and And the and you know, you can play with different scenarios, but just for the sake of example, let's follow this one and Go there in your mind's eye as if it is happening Right here right now. It is a reality in this now moment and Imagine employing all of your senses smell hearing taste vision But you're not watching yourself in that scene you are in the scene So if you're holding the baby you can see the baby in your arms You can smell it you can feel it right so you are there in first person as if it's happening right here right now and That is really important because your body and your brain don't know the difference between reality and rehearsal So what you're doing now is moving your body into the energetic frequency of that scenario that you're bringing to mind and Then as you're there for you know, just for the sake of time a few seconds You can do this as long as you want Notice what you feel in your body notice what you feel in your chest a lot of people report kind of a spreading or a bubbling in their chest a Relaxing of their shoulders a flowing through their system, you know, everyone experiences something different, but notice that And then when you're ready you can blink your eyes open So did you notice a difference and how it felt in your body to be in that scenario in first person? 1,000% my whole chest was wide open and it was a glorious experience. I kind of didn't want to come back And I call that the open-hearted Meditation for that reason because it is when you walk around with that open heart That is the ultimate energetic frequency that's going to create what you want in every aspect of your life And so when you choose a scenario, you know, let's say you want Your partner to be more romantic, right? You imagine a time a scenario where they were really romantic or you make one up Doesn't matter you go there in first person you set that intention To create more romance to call in more romance and you're literally putting that out there to the quantum field And then if you hold that frequency in the presence of your partner, they literally have no choice but to match you They don't even know what's happening. That's why it's like a Jedi mind trick because I mean you can tell them what's happening But if you didn't they wouldn't know they would just know it feels really good to be with you and I'm feeling really romantic right now Do you have a success story around this a client or a group that was using this that there was a huge life shift Oh, I have so many and I talk about a lot of them in the book Let me see but I can think of one in particular who you know Just along the lines of what we're saying who was really frustrated because every new year's eve They had little kids and every new year's eve It was like up to her to make the big hubble And now the kids were getting older and she got that she needed to stay home with them And so did the husband But it was like a symptom of a much larger sense of feeling like she was doing all the work to make life fun And she had been tired of nagging her partner and talking to him She didn't want to make a whole thing on new year's eve But she was feeling really resentful and we've been talking about these things And so I kind of coached her the process of a design in your mind's eye like the what would be the most fun Most playful most exciting Fun at home new year's eve the four of you could spend together And she sort of came up with this scenario and she moved into the home frequency And she sent me an email later that which I share in the book where she told me about it And she was saying I was staring out the window I was feeling really sorry for myself and then I moved myself into you know into this scenario and the next thing I know He's he's running out to do an errand with the kids and he comes back with like bags and bags from the Drugstore of silly string and streamers and all this stuff He'd been just inspired to go and get all of this stuff and it turned into this amazing new year's eve Right, I've had stepmothers who have a really hard time with their stepkids Moving into imagining these scenarios where they're all happy around the table where they're feeling heard and understood And what happens is especially with those that we're close to we now know We've been able to measure our energetic frequency up to 30 feet It reaches and probably much further. That's just what we've been able to measure But people who are in close relationships and spending a lot of time together Our atoms which we're made of are entangled. It's called the quantum entanglement So we're entrained to one another we match each other even more strongly We stay matched when two atoms are entangled They're spinning in exactly the same angle and direction and speed And if I took one to china and turned it the other direction The other would simultaneously turn the other direction and they're seeing this in the research with couples They there's all kinds of interesting research out there that is We are to each other which is a blessing and a curse because If you're not holding your own frequency If you're not holding your own frequency, you're just matching your what that's why when you walk in the room You know your partner's in a bad mood before you even see them, right? Or you're thinking of someone and all of a sudden they call Yes, I'm talking about entrainment and how we're so entangled with one another in our love relationships They've even done this. Yeah, I remember this university of washington study where they took couples in a loving relationship And they took one to one part of the building and the other to the other and when they shined a light in One's eyes the ocular receptors in the brain of the other lit up You know, we are so our heart rates synchronized our bodies synchronized We are so much more synchronized than we know we take in 40 billion bits of information into our brains every millisecond and only consciously process 2000 of them So there's all of this unconscious Connection and reaction going on that we have no idea about And this is part of the Of of that, you know the quantum love piece Well, you've said that there is no such thing as a sexpiration date anymore, which I love that's a great meme right there So how can we enjoy? Active passionate sex well into our golden years Yeah, I mean look as long as you can walk up two flights of stairs without chest pains and shortness of breath um, you know, you're in good enough shape to have sex and sex is such an important part of health and I mean from immune system to cardiovascular to depression anxiety I mean everything is so good for for your body, but also For your heart and for your relationship And so now that we're living such healthy lives and thanks to modern medical technology, you know people can have sex Until they die and it's it's when it's working in a relationship It's one important part of the working relationship. It's when it's not working that it can really start to cause a disconnection, but the good news is That um, yeah, you can be there's no expiration. There's no sexpiration date on your sex life And it can always get better. It can always be improved upon. I mean I have clients that are in their 80s I have them in their teens, you know all ages But is there a reason why sex dies off? I would think hormones can be One reason Certainly the emotional connection or disconnection could be another reason. Are there other reasons why sex wanes? boredom I sort of categorize it like when when when you have someone who when sex is sort of just You know disintegrated it's usually because one or both of you have low desire, right? That's kind of the umbrella term But that low desire could be caused by a million different things And there are kind of three categories of those million different things emotional ones like body image History abuse history Anxiety depression, you know those kinds of things can affect not only your response, but your interests Those are kind of the emotional factors Then there are the medical physical factors medications You're on aging and perimenopause or angiopause in men where our hormones are starting to decline and our sexual function And interest starts to decline as well or it can physically at least medications were on medical conditions like diabetes or heart disease So that's in kind of the physical realm and then there's the relational realm And they all interact with each other non-literally in a non-linear way, right so non-literally I just made up a word But um, you know like let's say you have a woman who's gone into menopause and now her desire is lower It's now impacting her partner and their relationship and now her partners withdrawn from her and she's that much less inspired to be sexual And so it kind of I look at these things like a picture puzzle where there are all these different pieces in the emotional physical and relational realm And you want to just address them all at once or as quickly, you know It's together as possible because they all impact each other Hmm So Is there something that you know about we don't If you could tell us yeah, you could really have an amazing sex life Even if it's really cutting edge, but that would open us up to having an experience we didn't dream we could Well, I mean, I don't know if there's one thing but I can tell you several things that can really Impact your sex life positively, right? One is the use it or lose it phenomenon sexual response is all it's about hormones and it's about blood flow and If you aren't right, you know getting aroused regularly Um, and that doesn't mean you have to have a partner to do that Then things start to atrophy. They start to harden just like the rest You know if you don't exercise your arteries harden, right? So it's the same thing So you definitely the more you use it the more Response you have it's same thing for prostate health men who have regular sex have healthier prostates Then men who don't so it's good to have regular sexual release whether that's by yourself or with a partner The other is to really you know anything that supports blood flow and hormonal health is going to support your sex life If you are over 40 Embrace embrace embrace the sex toy because You are going to need added stimulation. There is nothing wrong with it Only 30 percent of women as it is reach orgasm through intercourse and that's very much Yes, and that's usually because they're getting simultaneous clitoral stimulation And as we move into our late 30s and 40s Because testosterone is starting to decline. We have less genital sensation. And so we need even more already as it is Your average male if you're talking about heterosexual couples Your average male takes about seven and a half minutes to reach orgasm and your average woman takes 20 So that's within otherwise healthy You know younger couples under 59, right? So we already have an orgasm gap happening where lots more foreplay is needed to kind of move her along to Get to the same point, right where his orgasm doesn't happen almost 15 minutes before hers Because unless he Can get things working again. She's in you know, she's not in great shape But when you use a sex toy and there are small ones that can fit in between the two of you Then you're adding that's clitoral stimulation that not only closes the gap makes things more exciting I mean, I think there's so many things the main reason that I think sex starts to decline besides the physical reasons Is because it's just like been there done that you're in a routine. I do this to you You do this to me. We know it works. Okay. Good night. Let it out. You know, you're done and It gets boring after a while And so, you know, I'll have couples make a fantasy box where they write down all the fantasies. They'd like to act out together Um And share them with a promise not to judge doesn't mean they have to agree to everything But they come up with a common list that they can agree on They put them on little pieces of paper in a box And then once a month or twice a month depending on how adventurous you want to be you pull one out And the ones who fan whose fantasy it was kind of sets up the scenario Um, and I think you have to get if you have kids you have to schedule sex Or you will not be having sex because if you wait for it to happen spontaneously Um, it won't if you can foster Appreciation and connection in your relationship that does Huge amounts especially for women's libido because we are in large part and long-term relationships Inspired to want to be sexual Because we feel close to someone that we're going to have sex with and if we're talking about men They feel close to someone through the act of sex Primarily so if for women we feel really emotionally like sex is part of it But for us it's the cuddling talking sharing spending time together You know, that's all great for men But that comes As a secondary to sex And so if you keep your sex life going and if you try to have sex Even if you'd rather be doing another thing on your to-do list You find that you enjoy it and it nurtures the connection between the two of you And then of course there's quantum sex, which I have a chapter on in quantum love Which I really love and that's once you start Um playing with your body's energy you can start moving because sexual energy is like Really high frequency high manifesting energy and I you know how I teach women often about the sexual manifestation meditation So like if you're self stimulating you can actually move yourself into an intention of some anything you want to create in the world And then your arousal and orgasm helps kind of cement that Um, so it's really a cool way to do a little manifesting meditation But you will feel especially for women I mean I had people do this men and women Through self stimulation first because it's much harder to do when you're taking another partner into account But as you feel that sexual energy and stimulation just the sensation which is a kind of energy You can imagine pulling that up So you're breathing that up just to your pelvis, you know And flooding your pelvis and then breathing it out and then breathing it up and breathing it out You can move it all the way up your body You can do what the daus call the microcosmic orbit where it goes up your back and over your front You can play with the tontric techniques where you're exchanging energy with your partner and you're creating a circle But as you start to play with this and you're aware of it, it's amazing seven shot for orgasms. What can happen? Oh my god, I want one I sign me up. I'll have some of that, please That really sounds orgasmic In concept, I am um super psyched to find out more We're going to come back in just a minute You are listening to dear to dream radio and podcast watching as well You can become part of the dear to dream podcast team by donating to the show at patreon.com Slash dear to dream you have a big purpose to fulfill. So I ask what would you do if you knew that you could not fail What would it take for you to feel completely free and bold in your life? Dear to dream is always going to be free to you and we welcome your support of the show at patreon.com Slash dear to dream It helps us take care of the many business aspects that it takes to run this business And allows me to bring on the best quality guests. So for one dollar or more You can make a difference. This is podcast number one transformation conversation Go to patreon.com slash dear to dream And if you're just tuning in after we've started i'm debbie dashenker. This is dear to dream I'm interviewing dr. Laura burman at dr. Laura burman dot com So I want to pick up a little bit. You mentioned toys I've been experimenting And I I purchased stuff and some some of them work and some of them don't I just recently got a sonic There's sonic waves for me like I I couldn't figure it out gimmicks Yeah, and you know what people usually do is they go into the store or online or they look at reviews and they're like, what's the Best vibrator out there and it's something with 20 buttons and ticklers and ears and rotating things and you know and or What I see often happen, you know, especially in couples, you know in heterosexual couples is because males and females feel very differently about what's appealing sex toy wise so Historically, although that's rapidly starting to change Males have been the main purchasers of sex toys and then they're thinking like a guy What would I want if I were a woman? Oh, I want the biggest most realistic thing, you know So he comes on with this giant Gildo, you know, that's bigger than his arm, you know and thinks that's going to be what stimulates her clitoris I mean, I so so it's really important to know You know what you're trying like I I actually have a line. Did you know I have a line? I'll send you a care package. I have a line of sexual aids and devices Oh, they are designed for women And there are all different purposes, you know I sort of like I I liked and I have a little quiz that I you know give women But I'll ask them, you know, are you because if you're interested in having a g-spot or a gasm You're going to want one sort of toy if you're looking to have an orgasm during sex or up your arousal You're going to want another if you're looking to spice it up Maybe another, you know, so They're different toys for different purposes Um, but they're definitely worth exploring. I actually now am creating two new products that I'm so excited about one is It's sort of started as a sexual healing line for women who have either sexual trauma or Really want to release toxic past relationships that they feel are still kind of stuck on them And on an energetic level they kind of are when women in particular have intercourse, you know, you're taking that energy into you So there is an energetic hangover of sorts to sex So I actually well first a rose quartz wand because rose quartz absorbs energy and it's the frequency of love And so I have a whole guided meditation that comes with it Where you take a bath in this beautiful sea salt bath and you kind of create the sacred space and you Use the wand to absorb any negative energy I've had such an amazing response with the women that have used it mostly women who have had sexual trauma But I think it can be great for any woman and then I also have a product called yoni silk Because I've been so mad that there are no really amazing lubricants that are completely organic and natural because your vagina And your anus or your rectum are mucous membranes. That's like your the inside of your mouth, you know, it's absorbent tissue I want to give an addendum here for people who don't understand the import of what you're saying That the majority of things we know and products named products We know out there that we are supposed to use to put inside and outside of our bodies Have things that go into car radiators and chemicals that are so detrimental and metals and Carson things that are carcinogenic, but um You know, it's bad enough that we put that on our skin, right? But putting it In your mucous membranes like the inside of your mouth the inside of your nose the inside of your eyes Your rectum and your vagina are you know, it's so much more absorbent than your skin itself Those mucous membranes are so it has been driving me crazy I've been a huge proponent of anyone who will listen to me of just okay forget the over the counter lubricants Just use organic coconut oil that you would cook cook with like that's great So what I did is I created the base is organic fractionated coconut oil But it also has damiana vitamin E a heavy dose of CBD And it is amazing. It is it's called yoni silk. So I'm really excited about that Um, so I'm always kind of creating products that I want and know that mostly for women But obviously women in all kinds of relationships But I I uh, I really try to cater to our population because we've been so underserved When it comes to really optimizing our sex life in a healthy way You're creating sexual alchemy Yeah sexual alchemy I love this and you mentioned also That there's products that we can use during intercourse and I'm fascinated by that because it's kind of hard when you've got two bodies Well, you could be facing different ways, but you've got two bodies. So, you know, how do you get a You know, if you're flush against each other, obviously It's hard, but even if you're there's some distance between you, you know, we could get technical here But missionary position or the woman, you know, you on top or spooning or doggies thumb And there's a million different ways where you could have access to your clearest, but um So the two that I find and just speaking from my line, but it could you know, you can find anything You want something small. So like I have one called, uh, the Athena Which is a very small cylinder. They're all named after goddesses A very small cylinder kind of, uh, vibrator So it just is for external use on the labia and clitoris and around the urethra And so your partner can be inside you and it depending on your position You can use it you or your partner could use it on your clitoris The other one that is really popular For couples during intercourse is the aurora, which is a hands-free It's like a little silicone Holster for lack of a better word a ring with a holster on top that a vibrating bullet can slide into And then the ring goes around the penis So the vibrator is at the base of the penis the vibrating bullet with a remote control And so as you're in, you know up against each other And and he's penetrating the vibrator is up against your clitoris And what is your feeling about things like a sibling or a motor buddy? Do you think those are positive and effective? I mean everyone's different. There's it's fine to try. I mean, I'll always think of Howard stern when I think It was Carmen Electra, right Why does she agree? I mean look if you're into it and you want it I think there's only this is what I you know people are always I speak all over the country all over the world And the most common question I get in every audience is You know, how do we spice it up? Which is an really important question, but you know What I'm what I tell them is look I can and I will and I'm happy to and I've written lots of books You know, I could give you 365 toys positions fantasies role plays kinky things to try to spice it up and in a year or two a year and a half You'll be back to me asking for more and so I think all of those things are great Have fun play with them, but that is not what we're really looking for when we're looking to spice it up Is intensity? Yeah, it's the sense of intensity That we're looking for because things start to feel a little Boring predictable, right? So we think oh if we increase The the unknown right if we if we do something that's either really taboo or we've never done before That's true. It will create more dopamine in your brain. It will create more excitement But when you really focus on the energetic piece You can't help but be aroused. I mean my husband god bless him I do experiments without him knowing all the time and I remember when in the early days I was thinking, you know, and I'll sometimes do experiments for both of us Sometimes I'll do one just to see what happens to him and on this occasion I was bringing energy. I decided to bring energy and light through the top of my head through down through my chakras And out my vagina into his penis and I was just breathing that energy through and breathing that energy through just because I wanted to You know, I was just curious and I was having fun in it But the last thing that occurred to me, which was kind of stupid of me is that not only would he feel it Um, which he did. I mean, he doesn't know what's happening I call him send your root chakra because he doesn't even believe in this stuff but he's always at the effect of it and um, but I Could not believe what happened inside me Because basically I was bringing light all through my body and like oh, I think what was I was just like totally opening these channels I was just focused on what was going to happen to him and the next thing I know You know, I'm swinging from the chandelier So he was enjoying it too or I'll make you know, so there's all these things you can play with inside your body And moving that energy that creates what we're trying to create with the sibling or the next crazy sex toy or whatever it is That we're trying to do which are nothing wrong with those but that will only take you so far Speaking of fantasies that you put in a box and pick out from I have one. I haven't executed yet, but I'm very excited I want well My boyfriend and I met at a really nice restaurant bar near where I live for the first time And I want to without him knowing invite him back there to meet me Except what he doesn't know is I'm going to walk in as though. I have no idea who he is Myself and sit down with him as though we are on our first date Yes Are you going to be someone else or are you going to be you as if you first met? Great question. I'm totally going to be me Okay, except I have mad designs about how that first date is going to go Yeah, Tennessee to date in a very reserved way So this is going to be a very You're you're not in this like oh, I can't come on too strong because he might you're not having any of that energy You can be like a total I I'm so attracted to you. I want to take you over tear your pants off Exactly and then I will Then I'm sure that's how the night will end but I'm very excited because I'm sure he'll be baffled at first about what's going on And where are you coming from but then Yeah, that's a great idea. See that's the kind of stuff That keeps things interesting and you don't have to do that every week or every day or every date But just you know once in a while Yes, even thinking about it makes me very excited. So Yeah, the execution will just be the cherry and you mentioned also tantric sex I am obsessed, but I've never done it, but I would love to see some Yeah, absolutely. I I teach women that all the end men that all the time But here's that you want a little easy one that you can play with a little experiment You know one of the basic tantric principles is that men uh achieve kind of take sexual energy in through their penises and share it through their hearts And women take that energy in through our hearts and then we share it through our genitals It's like what I was saying before that we're inspired when we feel that closeness and connection, right? So our energy comes in like this and goes out and theirs comes in through the genitals And goes out through the heart So when you're having intercourse and it's easiest to do if you're face to face at first You can start imagining because where attention goes energy flows You'll start to realize this when you play with it and you imagine the energy, you know Coming from his heart into yours and you sharing it through your genitals into his and then it's circling up around Out his heart into yours You can also do soul gazing So even before you have sex you sit in what's called the yab yum position If you're comfortable enough where like in your case The larger partner or him in this case the male would sit with his back against, you know, the wall or the headboard or whatever Um, and then you straddle him Okay, and you don't even you can even sit face to face cross-legged before you even get sexual But you can do this during intercourse, right? So you're on top of him He you know sitting on top of him and then you stare into each other's left eye the eye above your partner's heart and you stare deeply deeply deeply into that eye while you place your Hand over their heart And so each of you have a hand on each other's heart and you're looking into the eye above the heart and then you're synchronizing your breath and your heart rates will start to synchronize And then you can add on the circling energy at the same time, right? So once you get the soul gazing down then build in that circling energy on top of it and It's quite something You follow what i'm saying. Yes, ma'am. I'm feeling it already. That's Right, so that's the kind of intensity i'm talking about right? That's not necessarily sybian intensity, which would last one or two times and then You know been there done that right? This is a different kind of intensity and each time is different You know and it feels different and you can play with it You can do the soul gazing You know before you even start fooling around and you'll notice that when you do fool around The connection and the intensity between the two of you is so much deeper Because especially for women because it takes us a while we say that if like men are a microwave oven women are slow burn and stove It takes us a while to kind of stop our multitasking minds and get present You know and if you do this beforehand you're skipping all of that because you're really present That's beautiful because I don't like to be called a crock pot No Gotta be so you know they can go from zero to 60 really fast when there's the opportunity And you know, I always say to men who complain that they're part You know, they're ready and they're partners. I'm like you got to keep her at a 30 all week long Emotionally and energetically so that when there's the opportunity it's not such a distance for her to get to 60 This is so huge because for somebody like me whose love language is Verbal affirmation and physical touch That doesn't exist if it's I love by the way when you said you were so attracted to your husband You fell in love with him because he was so smart I so get that and also for me to be with somebody so smart. Sometimes they're so in their head There's a disconnect here And to not for me to not have my partner forget like you must keep Talking to me because man, it's going to show up in the bedroom or if you're affectionate, let me tell you it's For a 1k plan, you know, you're going to make sure what you want is going to happen And what I love about what you're saying and which is the most important thing is that you understand what you need And you're able to articulate it and ask for it and that's 90% of the game And then, you know, it's like, I don't know if you ever have had pets and I don't mean to compare men to dogs But you know, it is like a training because if it is something that doesn't come naturally to him When he does talk to you or when he does not that he doesn't talk to you But when he's making an effort to talk a lot or cuddle or touch in the ways you like You not only ooh and ah and appreciate it verbally, but like you sexually reward as well Because part of the what will happen like I was saying earlier. There's this sex romance stalemate, right? So he probably doesn't even get to talking and sorry. Let me just let the dogs stop Are those men dogs too? Are those boys? I'm not very well trained I've met them So he'll start um being more touchy and talkative Through the act of having sex then he feels more attuned to you and close to you So my guess is after you've had sex. He's probably a lot more talkative and cuddly Then ironically before you have sex, which is when you need it the most We understand so He's so the more sex you have the more he's going to be inspired to talk and touch the more he talks and touches The more you're going to be inspired to be sexual Yes, this is this is very important how it can work together or not Yes Okay, and you mentioned 30 percent of people having orgasms in a course, but That's a majority of even that 30 percent They're being stimulated during intercourse Um, I've always been jealous of the few women. I know who can actually You know, it's like why have oral sex, you know, it's so great. I I have an orgasm. It's like god, that must be amazing I'm not one of those but but are there ways to actually turn that around so that can occur Yeah, and I think you know look an orgasm is an orgasm if you can have one There's no bad orgasm and it's certainly when I did the research on what the most sexually satisfied women I did national research with random with the most sexual sexually satisfied women had in common It wasn't even the orgasms they had it was the intimacy and connection they felt with the person They were having sex with that predicted the most for how satisfied with the sexual encounter. They were they were but Certainly lots and lots of foreplay first. So if you're wanting to have an intercourse an orgasm during intercourse What you're looking for is G spot stimulation, right? So first you want to figure out how to have a g spot orgasm on your own And the g spot is about a third of the way into the vagina on the belly button side And so you get, you know, so I have like we were talking about my line earlier I have g spot stimulators in there, which are kind of curved, right? So it's like a vibrating dildo that's curved at the end Because it hits that spot in the vagina So, um, you figure that out on your own either with a vibrator or with your fingers You do that kind of come here motion, but in reverse on yourself If you know, you're in the right spot because the g spot is right next to the urethra So very often when you are in the right spot, you'll feel like a little bit of the need to pee And that's a sign that you're in the right spot assuming you've actually peed recently Otherwise you might just have to be And so you stimulate that you figure out how to give yourself a g spot orgasm And then you bring it into the relationship with your partner and um And so because once you figure it out for yourself, you can understand really the best position if you're talking about heterosexual Intercourse for a g spot orgasm is what we call the coital alignment technique or the cat So if you imagine like the missionary position He's she's on he's on top and she's on the bottom right and there's penetration And then he kind of lifts lifts up and forward so that the base of the penis is against the Clitoris and the pelvic bone and then he doesn't do this. He doesn't you know go in and out. He's rocking Back and forth keeping that pelvic contact. Wow Oh my god I gotta send you a care package. You got to read my book loving sex It's a book for couples in a loving relationship all sorts of ways to have g spot orgasms to spice things up to do All of that kind of positions illustrations all that good stuff Oh yum and just so my listeners are clear You do you teach a tauntrick workshop? I teach all of it. I do in fact, um, I just recently uh in may did an ecstasy on leashed weekend for women In venice california, you know in la where I taught a group of women all about tantra accessing the divine feminine Quantum sex all of that. I love to teach that so I do workshops all the time. I do private groups I you know, I love teaching that I do videos on it. I do courses on it. Yeah Okay, so there's so much of the global where can people hear your radio show It's called uncovered radio with dr. Lara burman. It's all over the country syndicated on terrestrial regular radio But I think it's like in 55 or so markets So it may or may not be playing near you You can go to if you go to my website dr. Lara burman You can find the link under radio or you can go to uncovered radio dot com and you can get You know the best of show The in case you missed it show you can listen to it live streaming You know, so there are lots of ways to listen to it online if it's not playing in your area And people can call into your show. Yeah, you can call in even if you don't get the show in your area It's one of my favorite things about doing the show because everybody always has a question, right? And if you don't get whether you listen to the radio show Live in your area or on online or whatever you can call Eight five five five on cover any time day or night the phone lines are always open and if you don't get me Um, they will call you back and get you on the show Yeah, okay, fantastic. So folks if you want to connect with her live or otherwise You've got the number now and you could do so and dr. Lara. This is dare to dream What are you next dare to dream? What are your future dreams and goals? Well, um, my future goal That I'm actually putting into action now is to really start creating more video content because I've mostly concentrated on Written and everybody keeps asking me for more videos. So I'm doing more videos But my big dream is to really Start creating a much larger active live streaming community around sexual pleasure and quantum love and sexual health I want to start doing events and Speaking events and women's events that are that you can attend digitally as well as in person I'm going to pick your brain about that actually because I think you're going to want to play with me in this space But that is actually, you know, I really want what I teach To be available to everyone whether you can pay for therapy or not You know, whether you want to read a book or not I mean, I'll never forget. I was doing this huge event at Kripalu and I was doing it with It was me Gabby Bernstein and teal swan and There were 400 women there and Many of them were coming up to me in between saying, oh my gosh We had no idea most of them are under 35 um, we have no idea who you were and You know, how where can we find you and I was like, well, you know Because I'm not I used to do the Oprah show and all that stuff where they saw, you know Where their moms probably saw me and they maybe saw me But I'm like, well, I've written nine books and they're like, well, no Videos we can't find videos and so I'm realizing that you know, it took After that I realized it took me a while to get my act together that You know, there's a huge population of people that really need this information and just digest it that way So I really want to create more content for them as well Awesome. How how exciting And I'm excited to see your journey in that Absolutely. What is a ritual? What is a practice that you use daily that keeps you grounded that keeps You allowing and receiving the things you really defend most I really I meditate. I do transcendental meditation I want to say every day, but I be lying almost every day. I try to every day Um, that has really changed my life. I've been doing that for about 10 years Um, I ground myself in the way that I showed you earlier Constantly not necessarily with the visualization just ground ground grounds because I do tend to just forget about my body And be all in my head all the time Um, I Have started and it has really shifted so many things beautifully in my life to really cultivate the creative more So even though I'm by no means an artist. I am painting. I'm making terrariums I'm, you know, making all jewelry. I'm doing all of these things with you know, rather than watching the latest Hg tv show or whatever it is with the kids that they're watching You know, I go and do something like that and it's really opened up A lot of creative channels for me in other areas of my work in life And I'm really grateful that I've been investing some time in that so that's been a newer policy Oh, and I make it a point really really important especially for women to spend time with other women Um, and so I have it all I mean this has been probably for 20 years at least once a week Pending to my schedule is an hour or more with a sole teacher friend who I love Where I get not to be mom wife therapist and can just be a dork And next and our divine feminine that's really important for our energy stores um Those are probably my mainstays Beautiful Thank you so much for coming on the show and I'm going to pre-invite you. We do this again Because it's a zillion more directions we can go in and questions I know and you'll come on mine too I would love that. Thank you. Dr. Laura I'm going to end the show with a quote from dr. Laura burman, which is Let your love of connection become greater than your fear of rejection Next week on dare to dream on featuring brandy gilmore whose expertise is on how to heal yourself After making her own astonishing recovery healing herself from wheelchair bound Chronic pain to pain-free normal functioning brandy who's just beautiful You can't even imagine the photos of her When she was in the wheelchair and who she is today. My goodness She's generating attention worldwide on her revolutionary and miraculous methods for how you can get out of any pain emotional physical spiritual mental in record time tune in for this transformation conversation next week Subscribe to dare to dream so it goes right into your inbox. Give us a review go to youtube.com slash Deb on the radio and also we're in all the major podcast sites You can subscribe and receive these every week Thanks for joining us today and remember that this is secret of success Is having the courage to begin in the first place