 Good, good, y'all ready to laugh? We're not in class anymore. We're gonna be laughing, we're gonna be engaged. We got my boy Ernie G in the building. Let's give it up for Ernie G. So, Ernie G, he's a guest entertainer. He's one of the top Latino comedians in the country. He's been seen by millions on TV shows, such as Comedy Central's Make Me Laugh, BET's Comic View, and he's one of the original stars of the hit show, Kid Locals, hosted by that one and only George Lopez. Y'all know George Lopez? Yeah. So he's a graduate of Loyola Marymount University with his degree in psychology and a minor in Chicano Studies. Ernie was honored with the first ever Mario Moreno Cantin Flas Award for his work in the Latino community. He was the keynote speaker at UCLA's 32nd annual RASA graduation and spread his message of transformation through laughter as the empowerment committee for the Hispanic Scholarship Fund. And today, we are all lucky to have him here at Highline College to inspire us and keep us going with our goals today. So without further ado, I'd like to introduce my boy, my good friend. Give it up one more time. Highline, welcome for Ernie G! What's up Highline College! How you guys doing? You guys good? Yeah. Yeah, you excited to be here? Yeah. All right, cool. Give it up for Joe, man. Joe releasing his inner DJ. Joe's like an academic advisor. He's like, you guys ready to party? What's up, dawg? You can tell he used to be a DJ. All right, cool. So my name is Ernie G. I'm a Latino comedian from Los Angeles. I'm on a bunch of TV shows, nobody watches. I'm so famous, I have to tell you how famous I am. I was on a show a few years ago. What's up, buddy? How you doing, man? I love you. Look at that smile, brother. So beautiful. I was on a show a few years ago. Clap if you think you remember or maybe your parents used to watch a Latino comedy show called Que Locos. Does anybody remember Que Locos out there? All right, two Latinos. Two Latinos have cable. All right, cool. Awesome. Because you know Latinos don't like paying for cable. One dude in the neighborhood gets cable and then the whole neighborhood taps into that one box right there, right? And then we have the audacity to complain when our cable goes out. Hey, my cable went out. You owe me 50 bucks, dawg. You owe me 50 bucks. Que Locos was this English language comedy show that came out on Spanish language television. So you'd be watching what you think is Comedy Central and then they'd cut to commercial and it'd be all bienvenido. Look, la vision. You're like, what the heck? It was hosted by the number one Latino comedian in the country. We're my George Lopez fans. Got some George Lopez fans out there, yeah? All right, cool. I always like saying thank you to George for opening doors for us. I started my career with Gabriel Iglesias. You guys know Fluffy? I'm not that on Fluffy. You guys know Fluffy? So me, George Gabriel, we were all on that show called Que Locos. We traveled the country performing in places all over the country. But now I just have to call it Empowerment Comedy which is comedy with an inspirational message. And we're going to get to that in a moment but I just want to acknowledge really quickly. You're going to hear me say the word Latino pretty often in the next hour. So you're going to hear me say the word Hispanic pretty often because I'm Latino or Hispanic depending on what flavor of the month we're talking about here, right? But when you hear the word Latino and you hear the word Hispanic over and over again and you don't happen to be Latino or Hispanic, there's like this kind of underlying assumption that maybe I'm not really speaking to you. I want you to know if you can hear my voice, I'm speaking to each and every one of you, okay? Just like you don't have to be black to love Dave Chappelle, right? You don't have to be black to love you some Kevin Hart, all right, all right, all right, all right, right? You don't have to be Korean to love Margaret Cho, right? You don't have to be Latino to love Ernie G. You need two things to love you some Ernie G. A, you got to love to laugh. If you love to laugh, you got to love you some Ernie G. And B, you got to want to be inspired. So if you love to laugh and you want to be inspired, can I hear you make some noise? Is that everyone? That should be everyone, right? That should be everyone. I love being Latino. I'm proud to be Latino. People always ask me what's the G for Ernie G. Is it Garcia, Gutierrez, Gonzalez? My full name is Ernesto Tomas Grieczewski. I messed you up with that one. I thought you were Latino, stupid. I'm a Mexican-American, Puerto Rican, Russian and French Catholic Jew. I am this country, gosh darn it. My mom's from Mexico, born and raised in L.F. She's Chilanga, hasta las cachas, wait. If you don't know what that means, too bad. No, I just mean she's Mexican through and through all the way down to her pistol holders. My dad's Puerto Rican, so I'm mostly Mexican. I noticed Puerto Ricans are arrogant salsa dancers. You ever noticed that? If you've ever been salsa dancing, you'll notice that Puerto Ricans, Cubans and Dominicans dance also like, I know I look good. I know I look good. You wish you looked like me, but you don't. I know I look good. Mexicans, we love dancing salsa, but we end up mixing salsa with this other Latin dance called cumbia. We look like we're dancing the chicken dance. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. You clapped in your head right now, huh, bro? He's like, I love the chicken dance, bro. And here's the thing, y'all. I'm so proud to be here for, you know, I met Joe at Washington State University in 2008 when he was an undergraduate student, and now he's an academic advisor room right here, and he's the one who brought me here. I'm really proud of the fact that I have thousands of students all over the country that I inspired back in the day, and now they're all professionals doing their thing. I just flew in from El Paso, Texas yesterday. I performed at Stanford last Saturday performing, and now I'm here at Highline College in Des Moines, Washington, maybe, doing my thing. And it's beautiful because we have a diverse crowd here, and I love that because, you know, the whole point of it is that we're all the same underneath it all, right? So we're gonna laugh. You're gonna hear me say Latino a lot. And some of the jokes you're gonna really laugh at, some of them you're not gonna get as much, and you'll see the Hispanic kids going... And, like, those of you who aren't Latino are gonna be laughing at the Latinos laughing so hard at me, which is gonna be really fun. But it's gonna be, like, a reverse kind of dynamic because sometimes Latinos are in classes and all the Caucasian kids are cracking up, and the Latinos are like, I don't get it. I don't really get it. But dynamic is gonna reverse here today, which is a beautiful thing. I think what we want, right? And is it weird? Does anybody else feel bad for white people now? I feel bad for white people now, huh? Because they voted him in. They voted him in, right? So I feel bad for them now because, you know, he's not really doing what they thought he was gonna do, right? It's so weird because that term white people has become so divisive, huh? You can't even say the term white people anymore. It has, like, an edge now. White people. White people. You know what I mean? It's like, it's like, white people has become, like, the new N-word, you know what I'm saying? It's true. Have you noticed that? Like, you say, dude, how's it gonna be white people there? Shut up, dude, they're right there. They can hear you, dude. Don't be saying white people are right there. Dude, they can hear you, bro. You know, it's true. And por mi la cita, I feel bad. If you're a white person that's at my show, welcome. Thank you for being here, okay? I know we're probably on a similar page, right? But white people don't even like being called white no more. You know what I mean? Is your family white? No, my mom's from Ireland. My dad's from England. You're not white, okay? You're not white. No, we're not white. It's just all these negative stereotypes associated to that, you know what I mean? I feel so bad, you know? And just the whole point, the good thing is that we're all starting to learn that you can't put people in boxes. That's the whole point, right? You can't just assume that somebody's that way because of their skin, because of the way they... You're like, one of my favorite artists, India I read. I am not my hair. I am not my skin. I am the soul that lives within. You know what I'm saying? India I read. She's a beast. And the other thing too is, I think God is trying to teach us a lesson. I think God is trying to give us a gift. And the gift that God is trying to give us, the lesson that he's trying to teach us, is that when the races mix, when different cultures mix, the children always come out gorgeous. Have you noticed that? Have you noticed that? Like a black daddy and an Asian mommy. You ever seen that combo? Black and Asian? That kid's gorgeous, huh? Or Asian and Caucasian? You ever seen that combination? That kid's gorgeous, right? Or anybody in Latino? That kid is gorgeous. That's all I'm trying to say. That's all I'm trying to say, right? We got that Latin blood, baby. That Latin blood. Hey, hey. My girl over here, I asked her when she came in. I said, what do you mean? She said, I'm black, white, and Filipino. Hey. She's like, we're all going to look like you in about like 200 years. We're all going to look like that. Beautiful mix of all these different races. It's beautiful. What's up, bro? Paisas de las Cachas way, huh, bro? I love it. That's an insight, Joe. It just means I can tell this dude is very Mexicano, right? Are you Mexicano? A little mix. Because you could also be Peruvia, too. I just came back from Peru, Machu Picchu. Where's your family from? Oh. You want to go? Is that on your bucket list, too? I know. I just got back from hiking the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu, which is one of those. It's not one of the Seven Wonders of the World. It's one of the modern marvels of the world. But your family's from Mexico? De que parte? Oh, so you're Mexican chapín. I love it, bro. I love it. Cool. He's like, how do you know that? And look at their all. What does that mean? Latinos, it's weird. Like, we also have nicknames for each other. Puerto Rican or Boricuas, Guatemala or Chapines. And so it's just, you know, I don't like talking about race too much, but it's just there always, you know? Who's more racist against other Mexicans? Other Mexicans, huh? Black people are racists against each other a lot of the time. My mom was so racist as a kid when I was growing up. Like, she didn't even realize it. Like, she'd go, Mijo, let's go to the beach. I'm like, oh, cool. We going to Santa Monica? She goes, I don't like Santa Monica. I go, why not? She goes, too many Mexicans there, too many Mexicans. But we're Mexicans. And she goes, we're not those kind of Mexicans, Mijo. I'm like, dang, mom, you know what I mean? I just think we need to hang out with each other. You know what I'm saying? I think it's a beautiful thing that we got to just hang out and get to learn from each other and know each other. I love being Latino. I'm proud to be Latino. But like I said, a name like Ernesto Tomas Grieczewski, I was never really accepted anywhere. Like, you know, it's weird. When you don't get accepted anywhere, you kind of learn to be accepted everywhere, right? Learn to kind of compensate and to kind of do what you got to do to fit in everywhere. It's a beautiful thing. You know, people that grow up in like, you know, a monocultural society, you know, they don't learn how to expand and to be appreciative of other people. And I learned to fit in everywhere. Because the Mexicans, the Cholos in my neighborhood, I grew up around Cholos. You guys know what Cholos are? You guys know what a Cholo is? For those of you who don't know, it's what most people refer to as like a Mexican or Salvadoran gang member. So Mexicans and Salvadorans refer to as family members, right? And that's not funny. There's one right there. Shut up. He is so not a Cholo. You're like the opposite of a Cholo, bro. You're like a fresa right there. More than anything. You look good, bro. You look good. He's like, I told you we shouldn't have sat in front. No, no, no. Because I'm going to go hide in that back jerk. I'm going to hide in that back jerk. Oh, look at you. So beautiful. Are you... May I guess? If I'm wrong, I apologize. Ethiopia? Awesome. So gorgeous. I worked with a bunch of Ethiopian girls at a restaurant. And they... Dude, you know what's so funny? Like, people like... Like, they'll talk behind your back, you know, in their own language. They would always go... They would like... Do you know what I'm talking about? They would do this Ethiopian thing. I'd go, I know they're talking about me, man. Well, they were so cute, man. I loved it. Aw, look at this. She's like, what are you going to say about me, jerk? No, no, no. I'm not going to pick you guys apart. Although I could. But... No, so here's the thing. So I was the keynote speaker. I don't want to be heard in my intro. I was the keynote speaker a few years ago at UCLA's Rasa graduation. So every year UCLA has their graduation, and then they have a Rasa grad for the Latino students, you know, with mariachis and pandus. You know, we do it. We'll say, oh, they should have had some pandus right here for us, huh? Man, I haven't had some conchas in a long time. Wow. Look at your faces. What's a concha? A concha is like a Mexican sweet bread or Salvadoran sweet bread. That joke gets bigger laughs because most people get that it's funny, but you guys are like, no, we seriously do not know. We have no idea what you just said. It's Mexican sweet bread. So UCLA had over 300 Latino students graduating at their Rasa grad. 300 Latino kids from all over the country graduate with their bachelor's degree. They had over 200 students getting their masters and their PhDs. So over 500 Latino kids graduating from UCLA, and then they had about 5,000 other friends and family at the graduation, right? Because, you know, one of our cousins graduates, the whole family shows up, right? I heard there was free panduce. Pa dónde voy? Pa dónde voy? Where do I go? I brought the foil in the bag to take some to-go. Let's do this, right? You ever be at a party and your mom be sneaking chicken in her purse right there, you know what I'm saying? You're like, don't be doing that, mom. That's ghetto. But give me the big piece. Give me the big piece. You ever complain that your mom did something and then complain she didn't do it for you? Don't be doing that. Did you give me some? Did you give me some? And when I told those UCLA graduates the same message I've been over here today at Highline College is that it's beautiful that you guys are here figuring out what it takes to navigate the terrain here in college and then eventually either transfer or graduate from college here. Why? It's not just the fact that you're here. The fact that you're here is beautiful but it's about graduating from college. A lot of students go to college not a lot or as many graduate. In the Latino community it's about half of the students that start their college education do not complete it. So it's about graduating from college. Why? The day you graduate from college, the day you can say I am a college graduate, you will instantly transform the perception that people have in our community. How many of you know what I mean when I say that when most people in the world hear the word Latino? When most people in the world, I'm not talking about us, I'm talking about most people in the world hear the word Hispanic or black or white or Asian but especially communities of color like black or Hispanic or Latino certain images pop up into their head as to who they think we are and I know in your hearts you tell yourselves that's not who we are that's who you think we are who we really are our beautiful, powerful, educated people who contribute to this country that's who we really are, right? Yes, you may clap, that's who we really are that's who we are, right? That's who we are so cute I saw I used to tend to go like this, go I think we're supposed to clap right now I think that was really I like that, right? So I know we've had speakers all week that you're probably not used to reacting but for me, reacting to pleads, okay? Or you can clap if you want to clap almost a laugh if you think it's funny let it out, okay? Sometimes you want to be respectful and quiet and all that stuff not here, not now this is a comedy show, okay? Empowerment comedy show so please clap it out clap it out everybody let it out of your system See that thing about me I don't want anybody to express themselves we are being taught as a society to suppress ourselves you know, I mean there's this thing about acting appropriately and acting professionally but I think a lot of us have interpreted as shut the heck up we have interpreted that as shut up you know, keep your head down work hard and shut up, right? We've heard that before, right? No, I want you to be yourselves I want you to be offensive I want you to be genuine really, there's a little still small voice within that knows who you are you know, like I tell students I perform in high schools all the time next week I'll be in Yakima and I'm performing at a bunch of high schools in Wabala in Sydney Pasco performing in small little towns like Maddoa, Washington while Luke High School that school is so small they don't have a red light they have a stop sign that's how small that school is and when I performed with the kids I was telling them I'm not here today to tell you who you are I'm going to remind you of who you already know yourselves to be you already know who you are you already know your beautiful, powerful, educated people but sometimes you forget sometimes we forget who we are because we get so caught up in life and start trying to play by the rules or live up to people's expectations and we forget who we are but if you just get restored back to who you know yourself to be then everything should be fine like you know how I know you know I want you each one of you right now to think of the person in your family who loves you the most the one who loves you unconditionally right for most of us it's grandma and grandpa right like they just love you a little too much sometimes you know you know grandma's like a little too sweet to you like grandma don't be nice to me I was mean to my mom today right or a lot of us it's nieces or nephews or so but he knows her so but he knows little brothers and little sisters and little cousins but when grandma talks to you she talks to the real you right she talks to the have you ever tried to be your professional self around grandma she's like don't do that in front of me I don't want to see that person right now I want the real you come put your head right here put your head right here right if you can pop your pimples and play with your ears and all that stuff right some of you got grossed out some of you are like oh my gosh let me see my grandma alright my grandma used to pop my pimples when I was 12 dude I loved it bro I go grandma come I gotta do it I gotta do it she's like hey yours are good Mijo yours are really good they really pop out I like these Mijo I'm sorry but those are my memories of my grandma and how it's so funny because half of you are going ugh the other half are like yeah me too me too and what happens when grandma talks to you grandma talks to the real you right and she says stuff like ah linda preciosa querida de mi vida you're so beautiful Mija you're the most beautiful girl on the planet Mija and in your heart you go like this you go it's true hey why doesn't everybody know you should tell everyone grandma hey you're like the only one who knows me now is grandma making up a lie about who you are no she's not trying to convince you of something that's not true to you to her you're the most beautiful girl on the planet now so grandma knows the real you and when people speak consistently with who you already know yourselves to be what happens a little bell goes off ding ding ding ding ding ding ding you got it grandma but when people say something about you or your race or your culture or your heritage or your community that's inconsistent with who you know yourself to be what happens you have a reaction you go eww what no and a lot of times we get mad we get angry you know I know you've heard this quote before but he who angers you controls you anybody who can say or do anything that has you reacting in a way that causes you to be not yourself but when you know who you are when you're steadfast and who you are you know next time you get it's easy to get reactivated nowadays please don't watch the news man don't watch CNN you ever been through the challenges you see CNN you see the dude and he starts talking you're like you know 30 minutes later you're like why am I still watching this you know it's because they know how to play into your brainwaves and they suck you in you know but you gotta be careful what you put into your brain let me get back to this whole UCLA thing but like I said they had over three all these students graduating from UCLA and the message that I was delivering there was the same message I'm delivering here it's that it's beautiful that you're here figuring out what it takes to get through Highline College and then graduate why because the day you graduate from college the day you can say I'm a college graduate you will instantly transform the way people listen to you you see I grew up in Seattle and I graduated from UW let's say and you say oh you graduate from college oh oh oh oh and you'll listen to you I don't know if you've noticed this before some of you have some of you have it you see I grew up in Federal Way or Tacoma and I graduated from college and I was like oh you graduate from college oh and the whole way that they relate to you shifts but here's the message no matter how much education you have no matter how much money you ever make no matter how much after what you attain if you grew up in Enradio if you grew up in the neighborhood you will always have a little ghetto inside of you right see I saw a bunch of you go like this a bunch of you went like this that's right what's up and a bunch of you went like this no stupid dumb I'm not ghetto and it's so cute some of the Asian girls are there like I'm not even sure what that means it's so cute see I don't mean chunty ghetto like our cousins okay do you guys know what chunty ghetto is see I have to like originally my jokes have to shift a little bit chunty ghetto we say that now in California Texas New Mexico Arizona Chicago they say chunty in Texas but not maybe not here in Seattle chunty ghetto it's like ghetto to the max like when you know you're ghetto and then someone else is chunty ghetto right there you know what I mean ghetto is that one cousin a lot of us have it's like oh they are ghetto what's my name what's my name you can't read you can't read my name right there you can't read that no oh where do I live I live right there do you know what I mean by ghetto fabulous class do you know what I mean okay a lot of you are clapping some of you are like just clapping to be polite I think you know what you mean right see I love being back here on the west side of the country and here in Seattle it's cool because a lot of Latinos in Seattle which is cool but I perform on the east coast all the time I was the national sports person for the Hispanic college fund I worked with the Hispanic scholarship fund and the college fund was housed in DC so I was always in Virginia Maryland and DC and I have to explain to the Mexican kids in Virginia what a taqueria truck is okay do I have to explain to you what a taco truck is no my uncle is one on Sundays here's his card here's his card he does quinceañeras weddings bodas your cousin gets out of jail boom taquero right there man he's part time taquero part time mariachi depending on what you need right you know as the Mexican kids I go where do you guys go from Mexican food they're like Taco Bell we're talking about real Mexican food with corn tortillas oh my god Chipotle Chipotle I'm like no dude I'm talking about a Mexican man pushing a shopping cart in an alley behind a car wash shh and there's a little white light dingling right there and you're driving with your dad and you're like ooh there's tacos over there and you pull into some random alley and you're eating tacos on a milk crate right okay see for those of you who have never been to an authentic Mexican makeshift taqueria see in LA I don't know if they do this here in Seattle but in LA there's all these entrepreneurs social entrepreneurs standing in front of their house they just go into some alley and they start cutting up meat and all of a sudden there's a line of 30 people waiting for tacos right and if you've ever been to an authentic Mexican taqueria a real Mexican taqueria the taqueros have figured out the guys that make the tacos have figured out but you gotta make the tacos with two corn tortillas I don't know if you've noticed this two little corn tortillas why because if you look at half your faces oh my gosh I do that I didn't realize I do that but I do that too see when you grow up around Mexicanos there's certain customs you were taught no one taught you that you were taught that you just did them because everyone around you was doing them and pinch lift till insert is one of them right have you ever seen a non-Latino eat a pan of tacos for the first time non-Latinos it's so cute like my buddy Craig blond hair blue eye Craig I was the best man that's why I go bro he goes dude let's get some tacos dude let's go let's let's ethnic out bro let's go let's get some tacos dude right so we go get he's used to eating tacos like in a Mexican restaurant with a mariachi and a sobrero and sitting down but I take it to a real taco truck I make sure we have to stand and eat tacos he's like what do you said bro I go get the milk cream right there and so I gave him a plate of four tacos right and he got to play and he goes bro dude just pick him up and eat him bro just pick him up oh let's see okay how do I pick these up let me see no forks okay wow third world country I guess but let me see let me see do I how about if I cut maybe if I cut the taco if I cut I go bro you don't cut the taco dude you pinch lift tilt it's certain dude and the tilt has to be just right pinch lift you have to tilt the timing of it and the angle has to be just right unless you might bang your nose a little bit right there so so mostly see these are all things you don't even think about do you think about tying your shoelaces no you just do them but somebody had to teach you how to tie your shoelaces somebody taught you pinch lift tilt insert right and if you're a real Mexican connoisseur a real Mexican taco eater you do pinch lift tilt and use your pinky to make sure the meat falls out the back of the taco right there pinch lift the so you're like stop it mister I'm getting hungry stop it but if you've ever had a taco that's made with just one corn tortilla the juice from the meat usually cracks the tortilla in half right and you do pinch lift tilt and the meat still on the plate right most authentic dacarillas have figured this out so you use two corn tortillas so you can do pinch lift tilt and insert but Latinos we like to save money at all costs right so when we go to a taco truck and then we separate each of the tortillas and make four tacos right spread the meat around you always end up with that one taco didn't get enough meat it's like a cilantro taco see the ghetto just popped out of half of you see see it's just it's so cute those of you that are cracking up are like and then those of you who aren't really getting it are like I do not understand this material this is not speaking or my culture I don't understand what's happening right now you guys I want to feel included I'm feeling very excluded in this moment embrace it just love it let it in just love it let it in listen to how it's not like you was feeling in the white classes okay that's not so it's like reversal reversal of the dynamic here it's so cute there's a lot of things that we grew up doing that we just automatically do but somebody had to teach us like if you had a grandma's house traditional Mexican soups we always like to eat them with a corn tortilla so we said grandma can I get a corn tortilla what does grandma do she opens that straw basket you know the straw basket there's always like 14 heated up corn tortillas for two people like two people grandma keeps heating up tortillas no yeah it's not Muslim we're fine no grandma has calluses on her fingers she puts her hands on the stove grandma your hands she goes oh she's like she can't even feel nothing no more you know what I mean you go grandma can I get a corn tortilla she opens that straw basket she hands you a corn tortilla how do Mexicans roll up a corn tortilla we pinch the bottle we roll that thing look at half of it you went or if you're if you're ever eating menudo or pozole we like to spice it up our soups we don't like bland stuff so we like putting oregano in our pozole oregano comes in the same container as the Parmesan cheese at the Italian restaurants right have you ever been to an Italian restaurant they're so patient now Latinos are so patient they're like it's barely coming out it's hardly even coming out is this thing plugged up it's not even Latinos we don't have that kind of patience what do we do unscrew the lid we pour it in our hands and we go like that we use our hands like grinders we grind the oregano with our hands of course we never wash our hands when we're done eating no one ever taught us that rule we're just like I'm out of here dude I gotta go and we go to church on Sundays and we're giving blessings to people may peace be with you and also with you may peace be with you and the pobrecita señora is like oh marihuana wow he smokes the marihuana oh I'm gonna tell your family I'm gonna tell your family you're like no no no I say no to drugs señora it's oregano te lo juro it's oregano she's like oregano I see too oregano if you've ever had a taco that's made with just one corn tortilla the juice from the meat cracks the tortilla in half right and you do pinch lift tilt the meat's still on the ground yeah so I already did that I already did that I already did that right so there's a lot of things like that that we grow up doing you know it's so funny some of you are gonna come up to me afterwards and go you forgot to get a move there's another get a move you forgot when you run out of toilet paper and you go to mcdonalds to get napkins you forgot that one you forgot that one you forgot that one so when you run out of toothpaste and you don't throw the ball away you cut the tube in half you stick the toothbrush in there you forgot that one you forgot that one you know my mom maybe used to do when we were kids we were so broke she used to make me use the same side of the q-tip for both ears and then stick it back in face up the white part face up so it looked like you had a bunch of clean ones so we were like this just went from funny to disgusting really fast really fast some lady came up to me after a show some lady was like you know you were so funny you reminded me of my first baby when I was so young I had my first child I couldn't afford the diaper wipe so I would go to puerloco to get the toilets you're so cute my mom didn't save enough there's girls that are saving up the toilets you know if you're in a hotel you'd just be saving all the soaps and stuff like that you got so many little soaps you're never going to use those but just in case just in case they're free might as well they're free they're free might as well Latinos in black love free we will drive 20 minutes out of our way to save 3 cents on gas but it's cheaper it's cheaper but the drive over there you waste the gas going over there that's not the point that's not the point I'm not going to give them more of my money that's not the point no rationale we just know like 1.99 is cheaper than 2.02 that's all we know that 1 right there I see the 1 and I get excited right there 2.03 that's like 2 bucks 1.99 that's 1 and change improvise that one that was a good one 2.02 that's 2 bucks but 1.99 that's 1 and change I just wrote that you saw me write that I never said that before I never said that you just witnessed comedy and action as we speak the creative process the gods are talking the comedy gods are speaking through me tonight it's a beautiful thing it's a come on, come on oh you want me to do your material now or what lady dang why don't you write this is my show lady not yours alright she goes I came to see the jokes that I think you should do I am an English teacher and I demand that I get treated she's so cute about the elotes do the elote job every other comedian talks about elotes I'm waiting for you to do it if you're not going to do it then what's the point I came here to get represented I need you to understand my connection to elotes it is a visceral emotional connection and if you're here representing us I want you to talk about corn so cute so many comedians do elote jobs I don't do any of that stuff I try to keep it unique forgive me forgive me I try to not do what everyone else is doing but I want you to talk about elotes there's a Latina with corns on the cob and she walks through everything it's like the ice cream man okay we hear elotes we're like elotes elotes elotes elotes it's so wonderfully disgustingly unhealthy for us we think it's healthy because it's corn on the cob but they put mayonnaise and Parmesan cheese and butter and sauce and tahini and chile and lime and they spray it with lemon salt and other stuff and by the time we eat it it's like a heart attack waiting to happen so feel better alright good that wasn't quite what I had in mind but I wanted you to make it satirical okay don't just explain it to them tell them why it's funny so cute I just I try to stay away from things that we've all heard before you've never heard of empowerment comedian Mexican American polar weekend Russian and French Catholic Jew trying to keep you unique so here's the thing you know and these are the same oh so UCLA's it's kind of where I was going with this you know I just like you know educating people on who we really are you know and trying to like present an alternative perspective on who people are because every single one of you in here knows that people think you are a certain way and you know you're so much more unique than that identity is fluid who you are has no box it's fluid and it changes every day and then we kind of adapt we're like water be the water you guys know what I'm talking about Bruce Lee you ever seen that video just google Bruce Lee water just google that thing Bruce Lee was a genius before his time man social media existed when he would have been president of the world Bruce Lee was a beast be the water the water adjust the water flow be the water well you could tell you could feel how real and deep that is I gotta write more about that I just watched the video recently and I was blown away by the brilliance there's so much brilliance around us brilliance is everywhere you ever catch yourself saying something brilliant like did I just say that where did that come from I just thought that that was my thought I think I thought that I think I thought that I think I thought that did I think that or someone taught where did that come from those moments you want to cherish them and write it down and remember it and snapchat it I guess right it didn't happen it didn't happen right that's like the new rule alright let me get back on track here let me get back on track you guys are so great see I teach leadership development workshops all over the country and I teach emotional intelligence to high school and college kids all over the country maybe next time I'll come back and we'll do some of that but one of the things I talk about is it's powerful speaking is a function of powerful listening you can't really have powerful speaking unless you have powerful listening and the listening in here is so rich it's so powerful that I want to share more with you like I just totally went off track I'm not even doing jokes I'm just talking for my life and a lot of lady right here and so let me get back on track a little bit here these are the same jokes I did at UCLA's Rasa graduation what was beautiful to me was the audience was laughing I'm a comedian I do jokes for laughs it was even more important to me more poignant it was a big show there was a big line of people that come talk to me and the line was filled with theas, theos, primos, cousins grandmas and grandpas abuelitas and abuelitos coming up to me to say thank you thank you for not only celebrating our child's accomplishment by graduating from UCLA but thank you for not letting them forget who we are where we're from and the obstacles we had to overcome to get them to even go to UCLA I said wow there's something beautiful about embracing every piece of who we are and that's one of my messages here today you gotta love and embrace every piece of who you are including the ghetto or the survivor within look if you don't like that word ghetto replace it for survivor because trust me if you're a student here today at Highline College you are the product of a survival story if I get it I'm serious if I get this mic and that leadership workshop that I do I have students reveal their story and it doesn't happen right away it takes an hour or two sometimes to get students to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable to tell their story but if I get this microphone to anyone of you it's to tell us what your dad had to overcome and go through to get you to be a student here today we don't start balling the real story not your elevator speech not the story you want people to know the story you don't want people to know but I ask you to share how many houses your mom has had to clean or how many jobs she's had to have or all the tragedies and drama that are going on in your families we don't start crying and then we'd want to share our story right so if you don't like that word ghetto replace it for survivor but as far as I'm concerned shoot if you're from the ghetto you get too if you're from the ghetto you get to be street smart and book smart if you're from the ghetto you get too but what time it is in the classroom and in the hood if you're from the ghetto you get to be proud of your education and of your culture so if you have a little ghetto and you can hear me make some noise a little ghetto and you feel good feel good some of you are looking at me going but we're not ghetto okay we have worked too darn hard to still be ghetto early we are trying to get out of the ghetto okay maybe not maybe what we need to do is embrace the ghetto within look if you're not feeling this here's the ultimate test if you think you might have a little ghetto inside of you when you run out of shampoo do you throw the bottle away no you pour the water inside shake it pour it on your head right right everybody does that everyone does that even the teachers are like we do that too we do that too that's actually not being ghetto that's being thrifty there's ghetto and there's thrifty and that's definitely thrifty but those of you with a little bit of money you guys fill that bottle up the whole way one time shake it pour it on your head then throw that thing away that's being a waste not us Latinos and black kids we fill it up a third of the way is that soapy water that's like three shampoos and one right there we fill it up a third of the way shake it put some on your head then you put that thing back then the next day you go in there you get the shampoo bottle you open it squeeze it on your head that soapy water is cold that water is cold okay only the really ghetto people are laughing now too then finally the last day you go in there you get the shampoo bottle you open it squeeze it on your head nothing comes out you're like shoot what do I do now like the good ghetto person that you are you wrap the towel around your waist go to the kitchen and get palm olive dish washing like a baby heck yeah let me have your faces you just crossed the line on that one mister crossed the line hey do a lot of you have to go to a class right now is that what's happening it starts at eleven aww so bomb the ending is the best the ending is gonna get deep so if you don't have to go or if you can ditch your class like this lady did right here for me please do because the ending is amazing so go ahead and take off if you have to but please stay if you can cause the ending is the best the ending is the best sorry guys did you had fun though you had fun alright cool alright can we do me a favor can you guys all come sit in the middle now please so I can have everyone up in the middle come sit in the middle just so I can have everybody the ending is the best don't leave if you don't have to if you can miss the class and get the notes do that cause the ending is worth it I promise the ending is worth it alright you don't mind thank you come sit in the middle you gotta leave aww nice to see you buddy nice to see you alright thanks thank you buddy thank you come sit in the middle don't leave if you don't have to Don't leave, don't leave, the ending is the best. The ending is what Joe wanted me to do. You just saw the jokes, you didn't see the empowerment. Please don't leave. I promise you it's worth it. I promise you it's worth it. Yes, yes, you're still here. The small crowd that could. All right, give yourselves a round of applause. Let's take it around. Thank you, you guys, I appreciate it. So that's the thing, you know, I go across the country and I tell students that I'm not here to tell you who you are. I'm here to remind you of who you already know yourselves to be. And you already know yourselves as beautiful, powerful, educated people. You know, and I grew up in a neighborhood where people always taught us, taught, try to tell us who we are. You know, when you grew up, clap if you grew up in a neighborhood where there were either Cholos or gangsters in your neighborhood and in your surrounding communities. Clap if you were in that neighborhood. So most of you will appreciate this. Those of you who didn't clap, you'll still understand it. See, when you grow up around Cholos or gangsters, you don't really fear them. They're just part of the neighborhood, you know what I'm saying? They're just, you know, it's like, imagine if a bunch of Cholos walked in right now, like six pelones, bald-headed white t-shirt, wearing what are les jons, what's up, eh? A bunch of you be like, security, what's going on? Security, security, are they your cousins? Are those your cousins? Are they here for a victory outreach car wash or a bake sale? Is there a bake sale going on? Is there carne asada? What's happening? I don't get it. But if a bunch of Cholos walked in right now, it'd be like, all right, cool, I got back up. We're straight, you know what I'm saying? I got a ride home right there. It'd be on a bike, not on a car, but I got a ride home at least, right? And it's weird too, because you know, I always tell students, be careful of what you put in your brain. Try not to watch the news. The news is just about sucking you in, making you fearful, and then throwing commercials at you so you go consume whatever commercial you're in, how are you gonna go buy that burger because I feel so lonely and afraid, right? And so, whoa, that went right over your heads, no. No, that's what the fear of Mongo, you know? News is all about making you afraid, scaring you. Have you noticed that? It's like that rape and molesters and car accidents and death. And then at the very end, oh, and a fireman saved the kitten, yay. You know, it's like, oh, I'm gonna watch this thing again tomorrow, right? And then they throw these commercials. Are you depressed? Are you lonely? And like, I need that, I need, I'm gonna go buy that. I'm gonna buy it right now as a matter of fact, right? But here's the thing. There's this show on the History Channel called Gangland. You guys ever heard of Gangland, right? I love the show because it's based in fact, right? It's based in court documents, but I don't like it because it makes us fear our own community sometimes. You gotta be careful what you put in your brain. I was watching it one time and it was all, some of the most notorious of all of LA's games comes from the small Mexican American community of Highland Park, where the avenues run the streets. I'm like, that's where I live. It's dangerous right here. I didn't know. Go to the store to buy milk, I can't, I might get shot. You know, it's a weird phenomenon too, because I perform in middle schools and high schools all over the country. And these little wannabe Cholos, you know these little wannabe Cholos, they're just basically little dudes that didn't play football, you know what I'm saying? Everyone wants to be on a team, right? They didn't play football or soccer so they joined the gang, you know what I mean? They can't kick a ball or throw a ball so they steal the ball and end up in a gang. And my heart goes out to these kids because if you listen to the news, they're always exaggerating. The media is always like, some of the most notorious of LA's criminals, some of the most notorious of Seattle's gangsters. I'm like, notorious criminals? No, it's not. That's my cousin Nacho in his home, he's right there. He's not notorious for nothing, that guy. You know what I mean? He's notorious for his not having a job and eating my mom's food all the time, man. You're gonna come over and eat recent tortillas. Ali, he's full. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a total bad. I did, you know what's crazy to me? I can't believe there's total problems in Washington, man. I performed in Yakima all the time. I performed at some tiny high school called White Swan, high school on a reservation somewhere in Millinoware. And there's gang problems in Madeleine. Madeleine, Washington doesn't even have a stop sign, a red light, it has a stop sign and there's a Norteño-Sureño problem, North and South problem in this little town. I'm like, what are you guys fighting over? Apples? Red apples, green apples, red apples, green apples. Some little cholo comes running in. Jerry's home's Jerry's. Come on, dude. Give me a break, bro. I live in LA where the Mexican mafia runs the streets. Crips in the blood just to run stuff, but now we kick them all out. Now it's the Mexican mafia and Salvador and Salvatrucha down there, right? You know, I know you can get killed in Yakima, too, but in LA killings they're like everyday things. You just don't even hear about it no more. And it's weird because I wanted to get cholo bad when I was a kid, dude. You guys don't see that movie, Grease? Everybody's singing Grease, right? I got chills, they're multiplying and I'm losing control, whoa. Look at the girls who want to go, you're the one that I want. He says, oh my gosh, you're always singing I want to karaoke. Remember the drag races in Greece? Remember when those cars raced in Greece? That was along the LA River. Now the LA River is not really a river, it's just a bunch of cement with a stream of water in the middle of it. But we're telling the LA River in Dodge Stadium where the LA Dodgers play baseball. There's a little body right there. The Cholos are running that part of town called Frogtown. It's the name of their creek, Frogtown. On the other side of the LA River over here by General Hospital, a lot of your parents watch that soap opera General Hospital. The Cholos are running that part of town they're called Dogtown. When I was a kid, Frogtown and Dogtown didn't get along. I never understood that growing up. I'm like, we're all Latinos, why don't we get along? They said, cross the river, see what happens. I said, I ain't going over there, dude. Those Dogtown dudes were bad, too. Dogtown dudes walk around the neighborhood intimidating people. Dogtown fool, what's up, whoop, whoop. Dogtown fool, what's up, whoop, whoop. I was like, I ain't bad. Couldn't imagine what they were saying on the other side of the river. Frogtown fool, rivet, rivet, rivet. Don't make me get my rivet on dog. I was like, ay, pobrecito. All I knew was Frogtown and Dogtown didn't get along. When I was a kid, I wanted to watch them rumble. Look at their faces. Oh my gosh, she fights like my T.O.A. Whenever they were going to throw down, it was going to be a rumble. Going to be a rumble at the river. Shut up, dude, let's go. There was something about it that was exciting. Feel it in the neighborhood. The kids would be running inside. They'd be slamming all the doors. Grandma, stick her head out the window. Ya metan se babosos. I love the word babosos. Baboso sounds like grandma's cursing at you. Baboso. Baboso just means slobbering idiot. That's all that I need. You know when you fall asleep in class, right? You have saliva hanging from your mouth right there. Those are called babas, right? And if that ever happened to you, then you're a baboso, okay? Back in the day, Cholas, they didn't have cars to go to the rumble. They used to go on their huffy bikes. We're gonna get these fools. We're gonna get them dog. We're gonna get them fool. So he's a one dude. He couldn't afford a bike. He just had a skateboard and a rope. Slah, dude, slah, nah, nah. Don't turn it off, don't turn it off. The dude on the handlebars, he goes, the police, they're called fool. Psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh. And when you're a Chola on the way to a rumble, you gotta be hard, right? You gotta represent. You can't stop your bike with a handbrake. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. How do we stop our bike back in the day? With the heel of our shoe. We're gonna get these fools, eh? Like, yeah, I wanna be one of those dudes. Those dudes are bad. Until my mom found the comb. And my pants. You know what comb I'm talking about? That round plastic Cholo comb, it's like your finger and like that. You guys ever ever seen those before? You never seen it? You have it in your pocket right now. Don't lie, don't lie, don't lie. He's so cute, he's like, dude, I'm not a Cholo, dude, I'm not a Cholo. I'm a skateboarder, dude. I used to hide my gangster pair of vanilla from my mom. I'm not that bad as in my Cholo Combs, but I forgot my Cholo Combs in my pants. And my mom was doing laundry. And she found it and she said, ¿Qué es esto? What is this? My son wants to be a Cholo? Mi hijo quiere ser Chola. Ernesto, vente pa' acá, vente pa' acá Ernesto, you get your butt over here, mister. I'm going to show you what Cholos feel like. Dude, I was scared. I ran, I stood at attention. She put that Cholo Combs on, she was like, ah, I had indentations on my face for a week. Turns out I was more afraid of my mom than I was the Cholos, dude. I used to get protection from the Cholos, from my mom, dude. The Cholos, they beat you up once to get you into the game. My mom was always trying to teach me lessons, you know what I'm saying? Anybody else get a lesson teaching from them, huh? Look, nobody wants to admit it right here. I don't want to put my mom on blast, I don't want to. I'm pretty sure they're mandated reporters, I don't want to put my mom on blast today. She was trying to teach me lessons and I was really good at blocking her teachings. My mom was trying to teach me something, pow, I block it, boom. Safe. She got mad when I blocked it too, because I got good with it. She be like, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow. I got all kung fu panda with my mom, pow, pow, pow. I got so good at blocking her teachings, she came up with alternative ways of teaching me things. I came up with a sneak. Anybody's mom do the sneak, she broke that? You be hanging out with your friend, she comes up behind you, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow. I, I didn't even see that one coming. You gotta give me a warning at least. Mom, mom, mom, look, look, look, look. When you warn me, at least I can clinch. I didn't even get to clinch on that one. You got me all goosey goosey. That's not fair. One time I caught my mom slipping, she did the wind up, she went, mom ever do the wind up, like, why did you see your mom's blood starting to boil? Don't worry, the empowerment stuff's coming. This cannot possibly be the empowerment stuff, right? You ever be hanging out with your mom and you see your mom's blood starting to boil? You know, you say that one thing you're not supposed to say, you say, ah, your mom goes, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow. Sigue hablando baboso, which means keep talking, slobbery idiot. What are you be doing? You stare at your mama going, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I caught my mom slipping, she did the wind up, she went like that. I had time to react though, I was like, no. Pobrecita, she's so cute. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm gonna get to it in like five minutes. You guys wanted to do this material before I get to the endings of Best Park. But I know I'm talking about my mama. She's giving me lessons. You ever get chased by your mom with that? No. No me muevas, baboso. No me muevas. You make your mother sweat. I swear to her. She gets her chancla. I love the chancla. You know why? Because my mom had bad aim. She's giving a chancla and she's like. Psh. How you missed? Can I have your shoes? Uh oh, you found it. She gets her other chancla. Like psh. How you missed? Oh, you got t-shirts. And your shoes. That's not fair. Go to school to tell your friends. You want your friends to go, sorry for you, huh, bro. You want them to console you. You want your dude, my mom, hit me with the chanka. You want your friends to go, no way, really? That's messed up. Now that's our high school, no. You go to our high school, you'll be like, dude, my mom hit me with the chanka. What do your friends say? Oh my god, you should tell my daddy, pull out the cinto away! The cinturón! And not the little skinny ones from Walmart, no, no, no. The big fat dick ones from Tijuana! With the matching botas, we all dance with Nectuca, we dance with Nasa, we dance with Nectuca, Tuca, Tuca, Tuca, Tuca, Nasa. There are some rancheras in the house. They can get their own crack, and they'll be like, Oh my gosh, they played it on my kids and yeah! My driver's permit. I'm almost there, I'm almost there. You guys are lovin' it, I didn't think you were lovin' it. High school kids love it. College, half the time they're like this, this is inappropriate. This is inappropriate. You guys are like, Because after, oh, do you know what my mom's weapon of choice was? Her teaching stick. A long yellow plastic whiffleball bat. A plastic baseball bat. I can hear that thing coming. I can time it because of the wind. One time she missed it, we let this one. My mom was right there. My mom was like the Latina Darth Vader with that thing. Come over to the dark side and that's like, I am your mother. After a while, your mom's gonna have to touch you, huh? She just gives you the look. You know that look? Dude, the look is worse than the touch, huh? The touch? You know what's coming, that look? You don't know what's coming. You ever be at a party with your family like, Hey, cuz, you wanna see my mom get mad right now? Come here. My mom's nice, she's not nice. Then you go do that thing you don't have things to do. Your mom doesn't even have to touch you, huh? She just goes, Watch, complete the second half of the statement. Watch. You're gonna see what happens when we get home, huh? And what do you be doing the whole rest of that party? You be kissing your mom's butt, huh? You're my favorite mommy. My mom's like, I'm your only mother and you're still getting him when we get home. Like, dang, mama, you're mad, mama. I said, where are you from? Oh my God, you're so cute. You ever get too old to be getting a lesson? You're 12 and you're taller than your mom. That was the idea of the fellas. Dude, when I was 12, I had to go to my mom. My mom was like, that one time, all I did was stand up. My mom was like, all you, all you, all you, all you. I said, no, no, no, I'm not gonna do nothing to you. Just don't do it to me no more. Ya no me pegues, okay mama? Ya no me pegues. My mom was like, no me hablas así, baboso. Don't talk to your mother like that, baboso. Dame tu cara aquí, gimme your face right here. You ever have to give your mom your face when you know you're getting a lesson? Okay, go mama, okay go. No, no, no, no, my whole pompis, my whole pompis. I have more cushion here than I do there. I prefer this area, please. Oh my God, after a while too. You ever get to talk back to your parents? Oh, one time my mom went like that. I went, stop it, I'm gonna call the police on you. You know what my mom said? You know what she said? She said, good, call the police. I'm gonna do this in front of them. That way everyone in this neighborhood. That way everyone in this neighborhood knows what kind of little boy I have living in this house. I said, dang mama you bad mama. I said, where you from mama, where you from? Mama said, don't worry about it. They say I'm from nowhere. My mother does not speak like that, okay? It just makes the joke funnier, that's all. Look at some of your faces. Dang, honey jeez mom straight up hood ride. My mom's like, tell them I'm a hood ride, I don't even know what that means. Just tell them, I don't care. Pa que aprendan, so they learn, so they learn. You know what's so cute? I've done these jokes all over the world. I was in Japan, entertaining our truth with these jokes. I just performed in Stanford a few days last Saturday. Now I'm here at Highline College, seeing it in the morning while she's here. And it always gets the same mixed reaction. Most of you, there, that was like 50-50 years, like 25% of you guys are cracking up with, oh my God, that happened to me. But the other 50% of you, and a lot of the teachers at the high schools when I performed, they're staring at me with their arms folded. They're with a blank stare on their face. Who approved the budget for this person to come? Is this, are we paying for this to be? And I'm sure a lot of those of you who don't, who aren't related to this are sitting there going, oh my God, did that really happen to these people? Oh my gosh, you guys, that is not okay. Under no circumstances is that ever okay. You guys, we are at Highline College. We have counselors available for you. We can write you a referral note. You guys do not need hits, you need hugs. All we ever got in my house was a timeout. I wish I could get a timeout when I was a kid. I know you get timeouts when being disciplined. I know about timeouts. There's some soccer and basketball, you know what I'm saying? My mom would have been teaching me that. Timeout. Timeout. Okay, we'll also go. Timeout. 28, 29, 30, timeout. Look, I share this with you for one reason and one reason only. I am not up here condoning corporal punishment, okay? I'm not saying it's cool that our parents did that to us. I am saying this. The only reason our parents ever did that to us is what our grandparents did to them. You do what you're taught. If you're taught by the hand and you teach by the hand. If you're taught by love, then you teach with love. That ended up being the greatest gift my mother ever gave me to have me respect her more than I did the streets. The streets wanted me. That was a pull. I wanted to be a total bad. You know, I always have principals and administrators come up to me. Are you sure that this material is appropriate for our high school age students? Are you sure that our middle school? I first performed yesterday at Isleta Middle School on the border of Juarez and El Paso. Like, you could see Mexico from the playground. And those kids, man, I'm like, are you sure it's appropriate that they... Have you seen the memes on their smartphones? I'm not teaching them anything they don't already know. But here's the true answer to that question. That, you know, when... I've talked to judges, behavioral health specialists. What makes something abuse? A lot of students have suffered real abuse. What makes something abuse is the context. It's the anger. It's done out of anger with the intention to harm. That makes it abusive. But what our moms, it was to teach us a lesson. She did it out of love, right? Isn't it weird that the horror your mom hit you the morning and she loved you, you know? She got a good one in one time. Blah! My mom loves me on that one right there, right? See, that ended up being the greatest gift my mother. When you have suffered real abuse, you lock yourself in a dungeon in your own mind and you think, no one can relate to me. Nobody knows where I'm going through. Or you get depressed. But when you come to a show like this and people are cracking up, maybe you realize that you're not alone. That ended up being the greatest gift my mother ever gave me to have me respect her more than any of the streets the streets want me. There was a pool. I wanted to be a cholo bad. I wanted to get a spider tattoo, a teardrop tattoo. Three dots for me. Vida loca y que we. But I was literally more afraid of my mom than I was the cholos in the hood. Had I listened to the cholos in the hood, I would have ended up dead or in jail. I listened to my mama. I ended up being a college graduate. So I thank my mama every day for loving me that much. Thank you, mama. Let me just wrap up by saying this. My mom, your parents are the reason you get to be who you are today. Your parents are the reason you get to be. You don't have to. You don't have to come to school. You don't have to do well. You don't have to study. You don't have to do your term papers. You get to. You get to go to school. You know how many students would love to trade places with you? You know how many people who are 19, 20, 21, they're like, ah, I should have gone to school. Why am I here digging this trench? Why am I here cleaning this job I don't even like? They would love to trade places. You get to go to school. And you have your parents to thank for that. When it was time for me to go to high school, the conventional wisdom of the day is the teachers would tell their parents in the black and alfino kids. Back in L.A., the teachers would tell their parents in the black and college kids. Since your child's probably not going to go to college, they should learn to work with their hands, develop a skill that will help them in the workforce, mechanics, electronics, wood crap. Gardening would be wonderful for your child. So they're probably not going to go to college. The rich kids that got encouraged to go to St. Francis College Prep. It wasn't even called St. Francis High School. It was called St. Francis College Prep and the expectation was you were going to go to college. The rich kids college prep, the brown kids trade tech. Now if you're sitting there thinking, hey, my dad went to trade tech, my brother went to trade tech. I'm not discouraging trade techs. That's a great alternative for people who don't want to go to a four-year college. But I'm encouraging all of you to graduate from a four-year college. Highline is a great school, two years, and I know now you have some four-year programs. But get yourself into a four-year school and graduate with a four-year degree. Everybody here deserves that. My mama said, no. Those kids can go to St. Francis. My son's going to St. Francis. I think across this board of fair and square, my son, my mom's stuck over here when she was nine years old, minutes to California, boom, safe. It took my mom 20 years before 9-11 to get her papeles, to get her papers. Now, since 9-11, it's almost impossible to get your papers. It cost so much money. There's so many in Doc. You guys know about the undocumented dilemma here, right? It took my mom 20 years before 9-11 to get her papeles. Mom was a proud citizen of the United States of America, but it took her 20 years. So can we open our hearts and our minds to my undocumented dream students out there? My Doc and dream students, yeah? All right, cool. Last thing is this. So my mom said, you're going to St. Francis, but it's a two-hour drive, and I can't take each second. I get up at 3.30 in the morning, take three buses, okay? So I took three buses at St. Francis College Prep. All boys, Catholic High School. There were three Latinos in my freshman class. There were two black dudes, too. They're running back in the quarterback of our football team. You know what I'm saying? Prep schools don't recruit, right? Oh, my God. I got crickets in here. I usually get to chuckle at least. You guys are like, that is not funny or right, right? It's true. In LA, they're not supposed to recruit, and they always recruit like two or three brothers to play on the football team. I guess that doesn't happen in Seattle. We're all liberals here. Okay, fine, whatever. So anyways, I'm going to St. Francis College Prep, and that's where I met Miss Donna Huckabee. Miss Donna Huckabee is my one guidance counselor, that one mentor, teacher, or coach that looks at you in your heart and looks at you in your soul. It says something to you you didn't even know about yourself. How many of you guys have ever had a mentor, teacher, or coach say something in your face and in your heart you go like this. How do you know? You don't know me. You know that feeling? Don't talk to me how comfortable you don't know my life. That was Miss Huckabee. She said, you're a leader. People love you because you're funny. Where are you going to college? I said, I don't know, where'd you go? You know when someone's trying to love you too much, they don't even know you. Hey, sweetheart, how are you doing? Where are you going to college? I'm like, I don't know, where'd you go? She said, I went to Loyola Marymount University. It's a small Jesuit private Catholic university. I think you'll fit right in. Oh, well, then I'll go there. I took the SAT once. I applied to one school. I don't recommend students do that. But because of the love of Miss Donna Huckabee, I got into Loyola Marymount and became the first person in my family ever to go to college right after high school. Thank you. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Yeah. How many of you, when you graduate from college? Not if when you graduate would be the first in your family to do so. Do we got some first gents in here? Give yourself some love. That's an amazing feat. That's an amazing feat. Why do young people become gangsters and cholos because somebody influences them too? No little kid wants to be a cholo. You see these little cholos at the mall? They're like two years old. They have like, you know, a little wife beater and a raiders jersey or something, you know? You ever seen that? And you feel like that kid doesn't even have a chance, man, right? Why do young people become college graduates because somebody influences them too? For me it was Miss Donna Huckabee. I got into Loyola Marymount. And what happened? I got scared. I didn't have a lot of resources. I didn't have a lot of people teaching me. I didn't have a lot of love of people telling me this is what you're going to expect. This is what's going to happen. I just showed up. And all of a sudden it was all these people with more money than me. I started drinking, started partying, started hanging out. I managed our basketball team. So if you're a basketball fan, you'll love this store. If you don't love basketball, I still appreciate it. I managed the highest scoring basketball game in the history of NCAA Division I basketball. Loyola Marymount University beat U.S. International 181 to 150. Most points ever scored in the game. Why am I sharing this with you? Because my parents were never married. See, the leading scorer on our basketball team was this guy named Hank Gathers. Hank Gathers led the country in rebounding and in scoring. No player had ever done that before him. Only two players had ever done that before him. He was a third ever. So he was on ESPN all the time. So I used to see him around campus. And see, my parents were never married. I am the result of a noche divertida. My dad went salsa dancing. Nine months later, boom, Ernie G, right? And so I didn't have a male role model in my life. So when I met Hank Gathers, he was one of the strongest dudes that I've ever met in my life. And I go, yo, Hank, my name's Ernie. I'm the master of the basketball team. He said, hook up some towels, yo. Trying to clown me, right? I said, no, no, no. I'm the master of the basketball team. I just wanted to do this myself. He said, hook up some towels, yo. He grew up in the project in South Philadelphia. He didn't know I grew up in the north of East L.A., Highland Park. He didn't know that. I said, hey dog, you scratch my back. I'll scratch yours. He said, all right, then come on, dog. You'll bother me. We started shagging. Bam, we became boys. To this day, I still have Hank Gathers. He says, 13 rebounds. There's number 44 practice jersey. He has Loyola Marymount hoodie. Why? Listen, the whole thing about Hank, my parents were never married. So when I met Hank Gathers, the most powerful guy I ever met in my life, you know, I felt connected to him. But I never used to share that on stage. I wouldn't tell people my parents were married. After a show, some cholo came up to me, a gangster. He goes, hey, Holmes, can I talk to you for a second, dog? I said, what did I say again? He goes, hey, Holmes, can I talk to you for a second, dog? I said, what did I say again? I said, no, no, no. I said, no, no, no. I want to respect the Holmes. I can't believe you put yourself on blast like that, homie. I'm like, what do you mean, dog? He goes, hey, my parents were never married either. And until I heard you speak just now, my whole life, I thought it was a mistake. But after listening to you, I realized, maybe I'm not. I said, God doesn't make mistakes, bro. Your job is to figure out why God puts you on this planet and give your life over to that. He said, which will respect the Holmes? So now I tell people my parents are never married. So when I met Hank Gathers, the most powerful guy I'd ever known in my life, he became my boy and we were friends until March of 1990 when he went up for an alley of dunk on national television and dunked the basketball, had a heart attack on the court and died. The most powerful man I'd ever met in my life was gone in an instant. If there's any old school basketball fans out there, you've heard this story before. Hank Gathers is a really well-known dude who died in the court. When Hank Gathers died, I started drinking, started partying, started hanging out, got put on academic probation. You know what that means? You got to get a 2.0 to stay in school. You got a C minus or a D now, but you can work it out next semester. You get on academic probation, you get a C minus, they kick you out. I went to my biology class. I looked inside and I was like, you know what, these people have no idea what it's like for me, man. They don't know what I go through. These rich kids, they have no idea what I struggle with. You know what, forget this. I'm out of here. Went to my bed, put the blankets over my head and knocked out for three days. I slept for three days in my dorm rooms. You know how hard that is to do? Well, I did it and got kicked out of college. The first person in my family to go to college to be coming another Latino statistic, a dropout, and it was devastating for me. I went back home and my mom was like, what are you doing here? I said, they kicked me out of school. She said, oh, they didn't. You go back and you tell me you want to go back. I said, I can't. They kicked me out. She said, Mijo, I came over here from Mexico when I was nine years old, and all I ever wanted was for you to get your education. You go back and you beg them if you have to. But get back to school, Mijo. I said, I can't. They kicked me out. That kind of box. Went to my bed, put the blankets over my head and knocked out. You think I slept for three days this time? Oh, no, no, no. Not at my mama's house. 5 a.m. the next morning, my mom was like, be good for something. Take out the trash. I get the trash. I walk outside. I'll never bring it this day. My foot hits the pavement. It went from no rain to rain. I fell to the floor. I was holding trash. And it was raining. I started thinking about my life. I had got kicked out of Loyola Marymount University. I owed that school $26,000 in student loans. And I didn't even graduate. I got arrested for drunk driving in the state of California versus at Ernesto B. Jepsen. I told my car in a car accident. I didn't have a job. I didn't have money. I didn't have a pot to pee in. I was sitting on the floor. I was holding trash. And it was raining on me. Now, I've never been addicted to alcohol or drugs. Thank God. But that was my rock bottom. I hit rock bottom. I looked up to God. And I was like, what do you want from me? What do you want from me? Now, three days later, my Thea got sick. Now, my Thea and my aunt is that one aunt. We all have that. Christmas is always at your Thea's house. Thanksgiving is always at your Thea's house. If you ever hungry, there's always a pot of beans or a pretty hollies at your Thea's house. I called her at the hospital. I said, Thea, are you okay? She said, no, Níjo. There's something wrong with my blood. They're going to do some testing. I said, can I come visit you at the hospital? She said, your mom's really mad at you right now, Níjo. I said, Thea, I want to come see you. She said, quedate con tu mamá. Stay with your mom. I'll never stop regretting that I didn't go visit my aunt. Why the next day, my cousin called. She's dead, cuz. I said, what did you say to me? My mom rose. I said, Thea, she's dead. I said, no. No. What's the phone number I'm doing? God. I ran up the street. No. And in that moment of all people, Miss Donna Huck could be popped into my head. She said, everybody knows that rage. Everyone has felt that anger. When you feel that rage and that anger, don't take it out on people. Don't take it out on things. Get yourself a pen and a pad, and write your feelings out onto the page. I got a yellow pad and a pen. I started writing. What is the point of writing? Who cares about school, or study, or anything when you can just take people from us? Hank Keller's is dead. Then you took my Thea. How could you take my Thea? She was the most beautiful woman on the planet. She walked with a grace and dignity of an angel, anybody who ever met my Thea loved her. I'm gonna miss you, Thea. Rest in peace, Thea. I love you. And all that rage turned to so much love. And I remember going to her funeral. And at her funeral, the priest was saying a few words, but he didn't know my Thea. He was saying stuff like, I'm sure Rose is a lovely lady. I'm sure Rose is a wonderful person. I'm sure people really cared about Rose. What do you mean I'm sure? Who is this dude? I don't care if he's a priest, man. People need to know who my Thea was. Somebody needs to give a proper eulogy to my aunt. People need to know that it was always Fricolez and my Thea's house, man. The priest said, do you feel so passionately? Why don't you say something? I said, oh, oh, oh. And in that moment, theme is Don Huckabee. Always trust yourselves. We're not saying you can trust the world in Highline College, but you can always trust yourself. I looked out to the audience and I said, oh, to a Rose. Why did my Thea die? God take the one angel. We still had to live it on this planet. I don't know why she died, but I promise everyone here, I'm not going to let her death be in vain. I ain't going back to Loyola Mary. I'm not going to graduate in her honor. And I ask every one of you, do that thing that you know you're supposed to do. Dance that dance. Sing that song. Construct that poem. Get your grades up. Get into the college of your choice. Graduate from the college of your dreams. If not for me and my Thea, then for the people you most know and love. And then I said, I'd like to end this eulogy in a way that my Thea most remembered me by, and that is with a joke. My family's like, no, no, no. You don't do that in church. Ernesto, Ernesto. I said, no, it's okay. My Thea loved me for this. I said, how many roses does it take to make violets blue? I said, of all of us here today are violets. It only takes one. Rest in peace, Thea. I love you. And I was silent like this. And my uncle was sitting right there, bro. He stood up clapping and crying. And then they all looked at him. And they started clapping and crying. And they all went... And I went, whoa. I never felt that before. And in that moment, I captured for myself what Miss Donna Huckabee had seen in me, that I'm a leader. Not on time to tell you guys the whole story, but the short version is this. There was a big long line of people that come talk to me. I thought the line was to give bendiciones a mi Thea, blessings to my aunt in the casket. The line was to come to me. They said, how did you know what to say? How did you know what words to use? You said what I was feeling. I just didn't know how to express it. I said, I just trusted myself. And in that moment, I committed to getting back into college. Now, the short version is I went to a school very similar to Highland College, Pasadena City College. I was committed. I'm going to take four classes. I aced them all. I took four more classes. Aced them all. I got eight A's. I went back to LNU. I said, can I come back here? I got eight A's. They said, come back in two weeks. We'll review your records. I showed up later with us. Two weeks later with a suit. Ready to be re-accepted to LNU. The dean of my college with a lot of the other deans at this big long table. You know, the dean and sister of none, Monha said, after reviewing your academic records, we suggest you pursue your academic endeavors elsewhere. I said, no. No, no. I'm doing this for my Thea. She died. I got eight A's. What more do you want? She said, good luck. And I had a moment. Commit or sell out. Commit to my education, which once I have, no one can ever take from me for the rest of my life. Or walk out feeling like a loser. Walk out in shame and sell out. I stopped. I looked back. I grabbed that sister's hand. I squeezed it. I said, with all due respect, sister, nothing stopping me from graduating from LNU. I'll see you again soon. I walked out of there going, I'm going to hell for sure. I'm going to hell for sure. Here's the weird thing. The moment you commit, the universe will conspire to support your commitment. What did I just say? I said that the moment you say in your heart, in your soul, in your gut, if it is to be, it is up to me. All kinds of doors will open for you that would not have otherwise opened. So please repeat after me. If it is to be, it is up to me. Nice and loud, everyone. If it is to be, it is up to me. The moment you say that meaning with every ounce of your fire in the universe will conspire to support your commitment. The long story show, I got a random phone call from the dean of the psychology department, Dr. Renee Hurang, who I had never met before. She said, hi, Ernie. I heard you wanted to come back to LMU, and I'm going to help you. You are. Who are you? How'd you get my number? What am I going to do? Train for the marathon? I'll meet you at the track at 5 a.m. I don't care. Let's do this. She said, no, sweetheart. I was just going to prove to them that you're serious. Long story short, I went to Pasadena City College, Santa Monica City College, UCLA Extension classes to take statistical methods for the third time in my life. Went to Cal State LA, took 14 classes, got 12 A's, two B's, 10 letters of recommendation from every teacher that gave me an A and with the love of Dr. Renee's hands on my shoulders got re-admitted for my senior year. I made the Dean's List my last two semesters in honor of my Thea, and on June 14th, 1994, I walked up onto that stage, got my college degree with my name on it, looked out to the audience, hold on, and I said, Monk Rose, I did it! I did it! I did it! And that is a feeling that each and every one of you wants to feel. The day you graduate from college, you will forever, for the rest of your life, be able to say, I'm a beautiful, powerful, educated person. And if you're like me, you'll always have a little ghetto inside of you. Hey, I got two parties here, so really quick before we go. Really quick, this one. I brought one of these for all of you, okay? This way here. I've never been married. I don't have any kids. I'm college educated. I'm pursuing my dream. I have a heart of gold. Basically, I'm a catch. The problem is, I'm looking for a beautiful, powerful, educated woman who has a little ghetto in her, okay? I want the kind of girl I can sneak food with into a movie theater, okay? I want the kind of girl that's turned on with a coupon, right? Or who's in love with the allotment lady. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. But this year from Valentine's Day, they even took out a date. You know what I took out from Valentine's Day? I took out my mom for Valentine's Day. That's right, boy. That's right. I had a good time, too. Took her to the movies, went to dinner, went to the theater after. And I didn't spend a dime, boy! My mom knows how to treat a man. My mom was good to me. She didn't even pay the tip. I'm like, at least the tip, mom. Save your money. It's a joke, people. I took my mom. I paid for my mom. But to honor my mom, that's the way I know how I decided to name my first comedy CD, Mama's Boy. People always ask me, is that really my mom to cover my CD? I'm gonna hire a model to be my mom. She'll kick my butt. It's 52 minutes of clean comedy. I know college students are broke, but if you all buy one, then you can put it on Pandora and sell it and all that stuff. Anyways, just kidding. You can look me up on Pandora. It was an Ernie G channel. Please don't leave without getting one of these. I gave this to a girl eight years ago when she was a sophomore in high school. I was gonna go to a local community college maybe. She shot for the stars. Got a full ride to Stanford. Graduated from Stanford. She just graduated with her master's degree in education from Stanford. She took a picture of this and posted it on Facebook. And she said, when I forget who I am, I read that and it reminds me of who I am. It's my parting gift to Highland College 2017. Thank you, Joe, for bringing me out here. Man, I look forward to coming back every year maybe doing a leadership workshop with you guys. That'd be fun, right? My parting gift to you is this. And let's stick around. When we're done, can you guys come down here? We'll take a group picture, a group selfie. And then if anyone wants to have lunch with me, I'm getting hungry, so we'll go ahead and try it. I don't know. Pinch, lay, tell, and serve. Right? My parting gift to you is this. If you've heard the movie, if you saw the movie Coach Carter, you've heard this quote, if you saw the movie Akilah the Bee, you've heard this quote, but you probably never heard it quite like this. My parting gift to you is this. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It's our light, not our darkness, which most frightens us. And that's not the way we think, y'all. The way we think is I'm afraid I might not be good enough, I'm afraid I might not be strong enough, I'm afraid I might not be smart enough. That's not what you're really afraid of. What you're really afraid of is how awesome and amazing you might actually be. We ask ourselves, who am I? Who am I? It's a very Latino thing to say. Quien soy yo? No, no, no, por favor. Quien soy yo? Fabulous. Actually, who are you not to be? You were a child of God and you were put on this planet to make manifest that glory of God that's within you to let your life shine, bro. I had a little girl just like you, Miha. She came up to me after the show one time and she said, Mr. Ernie, you were awesome but you kind of made me feel bad. I said, why do you feel bad, Miha? She said, I feel bad because I get straight A's. I said, excuse me? Why do you feel bad for getting straight A's? Because my friends and cousins get season D's and you're playing small, doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightening about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. You are meant to let your life shine as children do and when you let your life shine you unconsciously give permission to other people to do the same as you were liberated from your fears. Your presence automatically liberates others. So I just want to say highlight college. Please continue to let your life shine and thank you for letting me let my life shine. Awesome. Thank you. Thank you, bro. I appreciate that, man. Oh, a little standing ovation. Alright, come on down. Come on down. Take a picture here, man. Here, man, before you go.