 He checks all the boxes except for this. Is he still the one we're going to explore this in a moment? How many times have you said he checks all the boxes, but? There's no chemistry. He's still married Just lost his job hung up on another woman As a contentious relationship with his ex He has a child or children still at home. He's not he says He's not ready for a serious relationship He loved bombed me. I Make more money than him. He has no retirement plan The sex sucked He lives a thousand miles away He's got health issues and the list can go on and on so should you accept him the way he is? Oftentimes these are questions women ask themselves because he checks all the boxes Can I ask you something? What are the boxes? Like what are the boxes? Like why do we have these boxes? Okay, he's the right height, but he's out of work He still has hair on his head, but there's no chemistry He's got a great job and makes lots of money, but he's still married He's a creative type, but he's out of work You know these lists can go on and on so I want to explore this for a moment Let's go through this particular list because the list I created Tends to be the ones where there's a lot of Vassalation for women and I'm just gonna merely give you my perspective on the ones this Accept this he checks all the boxes accept this and decide how to best to explore this for yourself So one of the most common ones is he checks the boxes, but there's no chemistry This is a really tricky one because let's face it having physical attraction for our partner is rather important It's important to men. Certainly. It's the way we get our equipment up. Okay, but it's certainly important to women as well Let's differentiate between physical attraction and chemistry because Chemistry and physical attraction don't necessarily go hand at hand So sometimes when women say there's no chemistry what they're really saying is there's no physical attraction Over the years I've by the way, I've worked with hundreds if not thousands of women now over the years And I would say nearly one-third of them had said to me and I quote My guy and I didn't have chemistry on the first date And yet something changed now. I have a rule of thumb If you feel a connection Outside of the physical attraction and I jokingly say this to my clients So long as he doesn't have a beer gut the size of Texas or he's missing all his front teeth, okay? If you feel some level of energetic connection, even if you don't have physical attraction towards him You might find over a period of time. I said I didn't finish my thought earlier Nearly one third of women I've coached have said and I quote I didn't have chemistry with them on the first second or third date something changed if this person checks boxes and So long as the physical attraction doesn't feel like repulsive it doesn't feel like Quasimodo and I'm sorry to be this, you know Crass when I say this if he's a good decent guy, but he's just not your type You may want to give him a chance at the same time I want to completely honor that if there isn't if you just don't feel chemistry with someone that's okay, too You know, I think we have to honor our innate hits that we have within us And this is very tricky because sometimes our ego can cloud our judgment I've worked with women who have said to me who are five foot two in height and say I Refuse to date a man under six foot two. I refuse to date a man under six foot two I don't feel protected unless he is six foot two or greater You know, it's interesting They say I need to feel protected Okay, I get that. Do you know who Bruce Lee was? I Can't imagine he was much more than five six five seven or five eight I don't know his actual height, but he could kick the crap out of 20 guys all at once So so that feeling of protection was really more so and a rationalization To something that the ego wants six foot two You know, there are plenty of women who are taller than their guys and these are women Ridiculously happy in the relationship. So you have to ask yourself. Is this except this coming from the ego? Or is it genuinely coming from the heart? Okay, he's still married if I have to answer this one I This is like a deal-breaker. This isn't a oh, it's a red flag, but Jonathan. We have so much chemistry He checks all the boxes But he's married Okay, how would you like it to be in reverse? So I don't even want to spend any time on that one Let's just leave that is that's a deal-breaker run forest run. Okay? He just lost his job This actually happened to a client of mine who was incredibly Financially successful. She was a high achieving woman and the man he was with had just lost his job Literally right at the time they began dating You know, I would say that a man who's just lost his job is going to go through some emotional Trauma could even affect his identity. So it's probably not a bet best bet There's always exceptions to the rule I will tell you I've had that particular client and he went on they went on to move in together She is the primary breadwinner, but he's also started his own business and now he is equally as successful So there's always the exception to the rule but I would say that if a man is just lost his job or there's some professional crisis going on in his life a male's Identity is so wrapped up in their professional life That you may want to really revisit that then he's hung up on another woman. This is one that comes up frequently Hey, if someone is still hung up on another woman, but Jonathan he checks all the boxes You know if someone who has walls up someone who's in love still hung up on another person somebody who hasn't healed I'm putting this all in that same category for a moment It's going to be difficult for them to actually open your their heart up to you It's gonna be rather difficult to open your heart up to you their heart up to you and particularly if they are I Have observed men, you know when they love someone and they love them deeply Whether it's emotionally healthy love or it's contentious love It's very rare that they unless they've done some deep healing and They're in that processing. Are they ready to open themselves up for someone new This is why someone just ended a marriage or has just ended just gone through a breakup with someone It's very there there needs to be some time to heal I've always said for Every three months that the relationship, you know has been going on you need almost one month of Healing for every three months of the relationship In addition now if it's a ten-year relationship It's not three months, but I would say a good one to two years of healing After that by the way, I want you to think of a relationship as a tapestry and unraveling that tapestry Requires some individual healing and if he's still even communicating with that woman. Oh my god That could be very problematic if it's incessant communication versus the occasional. Hey, I wish you Merry Christmas or happy birthday. Okay? Jonathan he checks all the boxes, but he's got a contentious X. This is a tricky one. This isn't an absolute deal breaker This is one of those, you know It will bleed into your relationship and it depends on how emotionally healthy how Emotionally mature this person is if you haven't seen my chart on emotional maturity and relationship skills not a fact It's merely opinion about 20% of the population as clinical issues And if they have a contentious X it's gonna be rather problematic and while I say 20% of the population is emotionally healthy I'm being rather generous most everyone is dysfunctional so If an emotionally healthy man has a contentious X I would say your relationship has a fighting chance if he is dysfunctional or clinical in his weak weak emotional maturity or weak relationship skills Then I'm going to say that a contentious X will be rather problematic Okay Next one. He has a child at home for many of us who are baby boomers or Gen Xers Many of us are empty nesters and we ideally like to find an empty nester as well We did all the heavy lifting, you know prior to this point in our lives You know our children ideally we'd like to have them launch so we can if we're single in midlife We can begin anew with someone else and yet some people are still raising children I've heard this from women many time. Well, and the tricky part is sometimes men use their they use their children as a crutch Oh, by the way women do it too. So they use their women excuse me The men will use their child particularly if it's a daughter as a crutch or worse His daughter especially if it's a daughter Oftentimes becomes the emotional support person in his life. This can be rare very tricky I'm not saying this is an absolute but this can be very tricky If you haven't done some research on emotional incest Or covert incest, okay, I highly recommend googling that okay What happens this happens to women with their sons and this happens to men with their daughters Where that child becomes their primary emotional support person And it's rather unhealthy now. I'm not saying this happens all the time this happens It certainly happens enough where they've written articles on it But you have to be mindful of that or do they use their child as an excuse to keep a buffer between you and them Because they always have and by the way, you're a very sympathetic person children always come first, but if you're beginning a a relationship with someone you have every Every right to ask for Being treated as important as everything else important in their life Especially ladies if you're having physical intimacy with someone you have every right to ask for that Now the next one is a really tricky one Is he says I'm not ready for a serious relationship. Okay. This is really tricky because a lot of people in midlife Are afraid They're afraid of making another mistake. They're afraid of getting too close with someone Some are incapable of actually being close to another human being So it's understandable that there could be this reservation Now most dating coaches will tell you if a man says he's not serious ready for a serious relationship That should be a deal breaker I certainly believe it's a red flag now red flag simply means asking deeper questions because They might say it Cavalierly in the sense that They just don't want you to get attached to them too quickly. That might be a reason I went to a wedding last year with a man who said I'm not looking for a serious relationship And he ended up getting married after dating for a couple. They've been together for three years So there's always exception to this rule. This is a tricky one So you have to get into the real you have to get granular Why aren't you ready for a serious relationship because it just simply might mean he's like look I don't want to give you false hope with me. I don't know if I like you yet So I'm gonna say I'm not ready for a serious relationship with you Or is it that they definitively don't want to get remarried. They don't want to live with somebody Okay, so I would say when someone says I'm not ready for a serious relationship that to me You know Is a red flag. It means asking deeper questions Um, and then you by the way, you then simply share. I want a significant relationship I want a significant relationship. I want to get remarried an honorable man Who knows he doesn't want those two things will cut you loose I think most men can be virtuous, you know an honorable man A dishonorable man a user or a spender will take advantage of you This is where you have to be a bit of your own detective By the way, there's a link below to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you My area of expertise is all based on discernment Getting more granular being more inquisitive in the early stages just like we're doing in this video So you don't find yourself getting attached to somebody who isn't capable of a relationship Okay, the next one. He loved bomb me. Okay, this is a tricky Jonathan. He checks all the boxes, but he loved bomb me Okay, this is tricky because I've loved bomb women and I think I'm a pretty good guy so Love bombing. Okay. So you have to really get to the granular intent of the love bombing Was he just trying to get in your pants or was he just overly excited? Just remember that lust and limerence limerence is extreme infatuation Is oftentimes chemically driven. Okay Should it be a deal breaker? I think, you know, there's an old saying men are the gas women are the brakes. Okay This is the one where I would slow the pace and then see how genuine and again if you're not asking those deeper questions earlier on Then you're going to be setting yourself up for failure. I make more money than him Okay, this is one where okay First off, I don't consider that a deal breaker. It might be a red flag I certainly think that two incomes are better than one I certainly think you may want to get a sense of his past relationships If he has a propensity of choosing women with money and then using them then try to do your due diligence But I don't think that should be a deal breaker and then on himself, but Jonathan, you know, he might Get intimidated by me, you know, I'm tired of this intimidation You know an insecure man is an insecure man. You do haven't done anything to make him insecure. Okay But I would say on that particular one ask deeper questions Understand that money is an important component in a relationship If you haven't read the book eight dates by doctors john and julie gotman I highly recommend going to page four or or chapter four Chapter four right there the cost of love Work and money Read this chapter because it relates to the next question as well. Jonathan. He has no retirement plan. Well, guess what? At midlife, we have to contemplate these things. So you have to ask yourself um Because there is a financial component To a significant relationship whether we want to address it or not You know for a lot of men in midlife. They got wiped out. I got wiped out at age 40 I had to rebuild my life and it took me a decade and a half before I could build Any semblance of you know wealth at this point in my life. I had to rebuild at the age of 40 And thankfully I feel like I'm in a good place and for some people they're in a real building That doesn't mean I don't think that should be a deal breaker because again I believe two incomes two resources two households are better than one. I certainly think it deserves more Curiosity and questioning. Okay, here's one The sex sucked man That's a tough one. I mean that's a by the way. I I've been in that. Oh my gosh I've been there. I know some of you have been there as well You know, I I think It like sex can be improved. Okay. They check all the boxes, but the sex sucked um Boy, I I really don't know how to counsel you on that one. That's kind of an individual choice um If it's if it will be an inherent problem and physical intimacy is an important common stone for a relationship for you Then I understand your reservation for wanting to to move forward with somebody Where the physical intimacy sucked at the same time a relationship is more than physical intimacy I guess the question is is good good enough. Okay If if if mediocre is good enough, I'm sorry. This is a tough one I really don't even know how to counsel anyone on this one because I know I know You know Some people would be happy with mediocre sex than no sex at all. You have to ask that one for yourself He's got health issues That's a tricky one too You know, I guess the question is does is he on his health issues? You know, I'd be candid with you. I have hypertension. I think it's partly due to my eating habits Um, I probably you'll have a little bit too much salt in my diet Um, but I I go to cardiologists. I go to my doctor on a regular basis You know, I guess it depends on is he on top of his health issues or does he neglect his health because neglecting his health Is probably for those of you that value health someone who neglects their health That's probably a deal breaker versus he's on top of it and he's managing it And the last one for today, he lives thousands of miles away Jonathan he checks all the boxes, but he lives several hours away thousands of miles away Well, long-distance dating is a pain in the gigantic but and I'm here to say That long-distance dating if you don't have a game plan very early on It takes it takes a tremendous amount Of emotional maturity To make a relationship work when it's long-distance And first off it's long-distance dating at first But then eventually if you don't create a plan in a very short period of time to take the distance Into, you know, the same zip code It's going to be very problematic because long-distance relationships have an inherent bubble associated with them There's a lot of great juicy stuff happens when you're together and when you're apart You get to live your own life and stuff like that and then you come back to the bubble ultimately A lot of these relationships implode so they are gigantic. It's not a red flag It's not a deal breaker But boy you could be going down the path with the wrong person and spend years with the wrong person And again, if you if you take that distance and move it closer apart and it still doesn't work out That's okay, too But at least you're not invest at least you're approaching it with a sense of consciousness And I invite everyone to have a plan when they do a long-distance dynamic so he checks all the boxes, but Is he still the one? Ultimately dating is a vetting process dating is an experience to decide if you choose to want to be in a relationship with And a relationship is an experience where you have to decide if you want to be in partnership with one another Most relationships do not work out statistically speaking The odds are against us because of a lack of emotional maturity a lack of intentionality There's a multitude of reasons but the end of day Hey, it's your journey Go at it with a sense of consciousness. Go at it in the sense of objectivity And recognize that every experience that you've ever had is preparing you for that juicy delicious Healthy happy relationship in the future and I invite that in for everyone going forward Hey, listen, I love to hear your thoughts on this video close to comment below if you have something to share As always if you found value in this video, please hit that like button Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit the notification bell And also if you want to connect with me check out the links in the show notes in the first comment to schedule a discovery call Join my group called midlife love mastery check out the books I recommend follow me on instagram as well And i'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic jonathan barack of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm asking you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye. Bye